Intro Nobody ever asked me to create a cookbook. However, if we wait to be asked to do things, we may never get anything done. I am in possession of some pretty amazing culinary creations. So much so that it would be a disservice not to write them down and share them with you. I have had no formal training nor I have I spent any large amount of time perfecting these recipes, but I feel like they are pretty good. So yeah.
About the Author Allison Reuben is a copywriter and a self-well-respected chef. Her recipes are inspired by her friends and family. She believes that food is the most powerful tool we have. Food is how we sustain life, how we connect to each other and we experience joy in its purest form. She does not like to be known as a chef but as an architect of happiness.
Please note that Ms. Reuben’s cookbook should be taken with a grain of salt. This is not in reference to the blandness of most of her recipes but due to the fact that none of them have been checked for accuracy or health reasons. It is our recommendation and the recommendation of health professionals everywhere that you do not develop a diet solely based on the recipes outlined in this book. Again, it cannot be overstated that the following foods should be prepared with extreme caution and discretion. Thanks and good luck, The Food and Drug Administration
When I was in college I dated a boy named Steve*. I knew from the moment I met him I wanted to spend no more than a year of my life with him. Sure enough, a year to the day that we started dating we broke up. After a dramatic night that would rival a Riverdale episode, I called my parents for some solace. My mother, having seen too many Law and Order episodes, suggested I get a police escort to walk me the 5 minutes from his dorm to mine in case Steve wanted to slay me for revenge. We debated several minutes on this before mutually agreeing that the police wouldn’t be called, but I would run fast back to my place. I was about to hang up, when an unlikely hero came on to the phone and bestowed upon me such a powerful piece of advice that I almost instantly felt cured of my heartache. In fact, I look forward to the day when I can pass it on to my children in their times of need. The hero was my father and his profound piece of wisdom went like this, “Al, go get yourself a piece of breaded chicken.” Then he hung up the phone. So, should you find yourself reeling from deep emotional heartbreak, I present you with a recipe for instant relief -breaded chicken. *Names have not in anyway been changed.
BREADED CHICKEN
Ingredients 2-5 pieces of boneless chicken (depending on level of depression) 2 eggs ½ Cup of grated Parmesan cheese 1 cup of flour 1-2 cups of breadcrumbs 1 tablespoon of your own tears 3 tablespoons of olive oil Dip the chicken in flour then eggs then bread crumbs. Then fry it up. After you have gotten excess oil off with the paper towel, eat the chicken while you cry and wonder if you can ever love again. By the time you finish, you will realize everything will be fine.
Chicken Slop is a dish passed down through generations of my famiglia and their famiglia. My bisnonna was in the kitchen one day and my bisnonno wanted dinner. It was the war so food was sparce. They ran out of polenta. Okay full disclosure, I’m not Italian. I used Google Translate for that previous paragraph. I’m Jewish and this recipe was created probably 10 years ago when my mom, sister and I screwed up trying to make chicken cacciatore.
Editor’s note: To all Italians, we know we’re sorry. We’ve donated a portion of Allison’s Bat Mitzvah fund to an Italian charity.
CHICKEN SLOP Ingredients 1 packages of boneless chicken 1 green pepper 1 red pepper 1 package of broccoli 3 cloves of garlic 2 onions 1 package of pasta 1 bottle of Rao’s sauce (No substitutes) Cook the chicken in a pan. Then cook the vegetables in a pan. Then put the two together and put Rao’s over it.
We all have that one friend in our lives who imprints on our heart and connects to our soul. This bitch Allison I roomed with in college was the exact opposite of that. I came to Lafayette College with nothing but the clothes on my back, the 20 suitcases in my parents’ car, a brand new apple computer, and the recipe for my famous Puffins and Chocolate. It was a recipe I perfected during several late nights in high school . It was born out of an insatiable appetite and profound laziness. Anyway, back to this backstabbing scum, Allison. She was my freshman year roomate and a total psycho. I won’t go into details, but it was so bad I decided to leave and move in wth a sex-addict in an all-girls dorm that was above a dining hall. Which meant it was riddled with rats and mysterious smells. Still better than living with Allison. Why the deep hatred you might be wondering? Well this low-life did the unthinkable. She told two to three people in our dorm that Puffins and Chocolate was her creation!? I know, please take a minute to catch your breath and absorb the harrowing betrayal I experienced.
PUFFINS AND CHOCOLATE Ingredients 2 Solo cups ½ solo cup of plain Barbara’s Bakery Plain Puffins Cereal ½ solo cup of Ghirardelli Chocolate Chips Mix the two ingredients together. Shake it up with the two cups so they are combined. Watch your back.
To some it may just be some vegetables, chicken and a few bouillon cubes. But to me it’s my mom’s soup. I’m 85% sure her soup can cure the common cold, allergies, pink eye and loneliness. Sure the FDA has time to critique my book but when it comes to verifiying the medicinal properties of my moms soup “I’m calling too much” and “soup isn’t a medicine.”
MOM’S CHICKEN SOUP I don’t make this, my mom does but here’s what I think is in it A whole chicken Bouillon cubes Water Onions Whole peppercorns Celery uncut Carrots uncut Secret ingredient, which may be one of the following- unicorn tears/love/crack cocaine/tomatoes?
Prep Go home, swing open the door and scream in a defeaning tone, “Soup!!!” If that doesn’t work, come to my house. My mom will make you some. Please put your bowl in the dishwasher when you’re done though. This isn’t a restaurant.
The incomparable chef Ina Gartner once said “store-bought is fine.” I trust Ina with my whole heart so that’s why I’ve included this delicious store-bought, boxed brownies and Mac and Cheese recipe.
Editor’s note: If you’re above the age of 18, please allot 3-5 business days for your stomach to return to normal after this meal.
BROWNIES AND MAC Ingredients 1 Box of Kraft Mac and Cheese Original Recipe 1 Box of Betty Crocker Fudge Brownies Follow instructions on the boxes. Eat Mac and Cheese first and eat all of it. Left over Kraft is gross people.
My mother is the CEO of a toilet paper company, mother of three children and a philanthropist. If I had to guess, I would say her crowning life achievement is her chocolate chip pancakes or her “chocolate chippers”. Much like other famous chefs, she has spent tireless hours cultivating and perfecting her recipe. It starts with a box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix. She follows the directions on the box closely except for the milk. One time she audaciously decided to reject the suggested ¾ of a cup of milk and put at least 1 ½ cups of milk into the recipe. As if these milk shenanigans had not already established her as a maverick, she also decided to use mini chips in lieu of the regular sized chocolate chips. Well you can imagine what happened next. A revolution. My brother started to wake up before noon. My sister told all of her friends to come to our house instead of her going to theirs. As for me? I like plain pancakes, sorry mom.
CHOCOLATE CHIPPERS
Ingredients Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix 1 ½ Cups of Milk 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil 1 egg Mini Chocolate Chips Combine the ingredients, get flipping. If you find yourself with friends who won’t leave, which is a guaranteed side effect of these pancakes, I suggest telling them they should join you for a homework/Degrassi marathon. Before Drake was here, he was at the bottom as wheel chair Jimmy.
Every cook* has that one dish that he or she is famous for and puts them on the map. What I am trying to say is that my dad asks me out of all the cooks in the family to make the pasta. So that’s a huge deal. In his words, “Al you always perfectly cook the pasta, it’s always all dante”. I have come to assume he means al dente, the Italian word for being cooked to a firm bite. I know the old adage warns that a magician should never reveal his/ her secrets, but I have inherited my mother’s reluctance to adhere to social norms. So here’s my secret recipe.
*
Allison cannot legally refer to herself as a cook
PERFECT PASTA Ingredients Pasta Start by selecting a box of pasta, my favorite is penne. Pour what you think is the appropriate amount for the people you are cooking for. Nope that was too much. Starting at five minutes before it’s expected to be done, sample the pasta. Every minute, try a new piece even though you know it’s not done yet. Finally, you will try it and it will be done.
FUCKING RICE When I was 22, my cousin got married at the Pierre Hotel. I arrived to the event very single but beautifully dressed in a BCBG dress pulled right off a Lord &Taylor clearance rack. I felt regal. That is-until I bumped into my cousin’s 93 year old great aunt. She was wearing the exact same dress. And she wore it much better. (It sat better on her collarbones). Anyway, not one to shy away from an akward situation, I gracefully noted to her that we were twins and suggested we get a picture together. She gave me a head-to-toe evaluation and then swiftly rejected the idea. A woman with terrible cataracts and nothing to lose refused to be seen in the same dress as me. And yet, this rejection pales in comparision to the utter shame I feel every time I try to cook rice. Not once has my rice approached edible. It’s either too soggy or extremely crunchy. I don’t get it, people have tried to help. I follow the recipe on the bag/box. What do you want from me? Fuck you, rice. I can’t do it. Somebody, please tell me what need to do. I’ll do it.
Ingredients Rice Water A freaking miracle
I was born a year and a half after my sister. From the moment I was born an obsession start to bloom. What started out as flattering imitation quickly evolved into flat out identity theft and plagiarism. That’s what my sister says about me. According to her and tons of hard evidence, I have taken phrases, jokes, mannerisms and so much of her personality and masqueraded them as my own. Totally unrelated, I personally developed a fantastic recipe for stove-popped popcorn.
ALLIE’S POPCORN™
Ingredients Popcorn Kernels Salt Pepper Garlic Salt Parmesan Cheese Canola/Vegetable Oil Pop the popcorn. Put the seasoning on. Enjoy, you’re welcome.
It’s time to talk potatoes. The humble potato sits among its brotheren in a depressing sack. Most people would walk by it not knowing its capabilities and potential. One could say I am much like a potato in this sense. I’m referring to a specific scenario in Kindergarten when I forgot to talk. This led to my teacher believing I was a mute. She didn’t think to clear this up until the end of the year. She taught me the whole year all the while believing I did not have the power of speech. Anyway, the potato. I l ove potatoes because whether they are mashed, baked, roasted, fried or boiled, they are a fantastic superfood. Much like me. (?) Perhaps theperfect iteration of the potato is the Latke. The potato latke is a Chanukah staple and our family recipe is derived from the oldest known cookbook known to man. Or it just looks that way.
LATKES Ingredients 6 potatoes 1 onion Flour Eggs Baking Soda/Powder? Oil Peel the potatoes. Mix the stuff together. Fry the mixture.
Thanks While many people asked not to be mentioned in conjunction with this book, I couldn’t help but take a moment to show my gratitude. First I’d like to thank David Alan Grier. No explanation necessary. I’d also like to thank my family and friends. Except for Allison, my freshman year roomate and Steve. You guys suck. Finally, I’d like to thank Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck, and Ina Garten. You were/are the best in your craft and an inspiration to all. I consider myself your peers.
“For 9000th and final time, the answer is no!” - James Beard Foundation
I’m torn. We’re good friends but more than one of these dishes gave me food poisioning. -Amy Lai “I thought every recipe in here was fantastic!” - Allison’s Mom