Intro Nobody ever asked me to create a cookbook. However, if we wait to be asked to do things, we may never get anything done. I am in possession of some pretty amazing culinary creations. So much so that it would be a disservice not to write them down. I have had no formal training nor I have I spent any large amount of time perfecting these recipes, but I feel like they are pretty good. Trust me.
About the Author Allison Reuben is an aspiring copywriter and a self-well-respected chef. Her recipes are inspired by her friends and family. She believes that food is the most powerful tool we have. Food is how we sustain life, how we connect to each other and we experience joy in its purest form. She does not like to be known as a chef but as an architect of happiness.
Please note that Ms. Reuben’s cookbook should be taken with a grain of salt. This is not in reference to the blandness of many of her recipes but due to the fact that none of them have been checked for accuracy or health reasons. It is our recommendation and the recommendation of health professionals everywhere that you do not develop a diet solely based on the recipes outlined in this book. Again, it cannot be overstated that the following foods should be prepared with extreme caution and discretion. Thanks and good luck, The Food and Drug Administration
When I was in college I dated a boy named Steve. I knew from the moment I met him I wanted to spend no more than a year of my life with him. Sure enough, a year to the day that we started dating we broke up. After a dramatic night that would rival a Dawson’s Creek episode, I called my parents for some solace. My mother, having seen too many Law and Order episodes, suggested I get a police escort to walk me the 5 minutes from his dorm to mine in case Steve wanted to slay me for revenge. We debated several minutes on this before mutually agreeing that the police wouldn’t be called, but I would run fast back to my place. I was about to hang up, when an unlikely hero came on to the phone and bestowed upon me such a powerful piece of advice that I almost instantly felt cured of my heartache. In fact, I look forward to the day when I can pass it on to my children in their times of need. The hero was my father and his profound piece of wisdom went like this, “Al, go get yourself a piece of breaded chicken.” Then he hung up the phone. So, should you find yourself reeling from deep emotional heartbreak, I present you with a recipe for instant relief -breaded chicken.
BREADED CHICKEN
Ingredients 2-5 pieces of boneless chicken (depending on level of depression) 2 eggs ½ Cup of grated Parmesan cheese 1 cup of flour 1-2 cups of breadcrumbs 1 tablespoon of your own tears 3 tablespoons of olive oil Dip the chicken in flour then eggs then bread crumbs. Then fry it up. After you have gotten excess oil off with the paper towel, eat the chicken while you cry and wonder if you can ever love again. By the time you finish, you will realize everything will be fine.
“We all make mistakes but sometimes they can turn into something amazing” – My mom after having my brother. Just kidding Drew, you weren’t a mistake. However, our popular family recipe was born and perfected by endless mistakes made in the kitchen. Chicken Slop was supposed to be chicken cacciatore. My sister, mother and I wanted to prepare the popular chicken dish but none of us felt like looking up a recipe. So we threw some vegetables and chicken in a pan and covered it with our favorite tomato sauce. We then assigned this meal the questionable name of “Chicken Slop”.
CHICKEN SLOP Ingredients 1 packages of boneless chicken 1 green pepper 1 red pepper 1 package of broccoli 3 cloves of garlic 2 onions 1 package of pasta 1 bottle of Raos sauce (No substitutes) Cook the chicken in a pan. Then cook the vegetables in a pan. Then put the two together and put sauce over it.
The story of Puffins and Chocolate is filled with betrayal, shame and ultimate tragedy. To put it lightly, this story is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. This delicious treat was a baby of mine. I spent upwards of 5 minutes creating this recipe in the pantry of my kitchen when I was in high school. One late night I was craving a snack that would both satisfy my hunger and my sweet tooth. I ingeniously thought to combine the subtle flavors of Puffins cereal with the heavenly sweetness of Ghirardelli milk chocolate chips. Although this concoction could have made me an easy millionaire, I decided to pursue higher education to keep myself grounded. As I matriculated to college, I decided to share my recipe with all on campus who desired it; about 3 friends. Well, one friend, my freshman year roommate to be specific, ended up doing the unthinkable. Her name was also Allison and she spend her days talking to plants, locking me out of our room when I went to take a shower and throwing hard objects at my face while I was taking a nap. It was a tough decision, but after one semester I decided to move out. We lost touch until one day when I checked her Facebook wall and noticed her friends had posted about how much they loved her delicious Puffins and chocolate creation. Before we continue with the recipe, I understand if you need to collect yourself after that harrowing story. If you want to write me letters of support or tweet me, my information is at the back of the book.
PUFFINS AND CHOCOLATE Ingredients 2 Solo cups ½ solo cup of plain Barbara’s Bakery Plain Puffins Cereal ½ solo cup of Ghirardelli Chocolate Chips Mix the two ingredients together. Shake it up with the two cups so they are combined.
If the books I read as kid aren’t lying, chicken soup soothes all types of souls. If a piece of breaded chicken can’t cheer you up for some reason, my mom’s soup will make you feel better. Even if you were feeling great before, you will feel better. In fact, in second grade we had to make mother’s day cards for our moms. We had to write what we love most about our mothers and I wrote “Mom I love your soup. Thanks.” It was a beautiful sentiment and made it abundantly clear to my mom that her parenting skills were only as good as her last soup.
MOM’S CHICKEN SOUP I don’t make this, my mom does but here’s what I think is in it A whole chicken Bouillon cubes Water Onions Whole peppercorns Celery uncut Carrots uncut Secret ingredient, which may be one of the following- unicorn tears/love/crack cocaine/tomatoes?
Prep Go home, revert to infantile tactics of speaking like a baby and making your face look cute. Then beg your mom to make you soup. If that doesn’t work, come to my house. Again, I don’t make this. I would suggest yelling “Mom can you make me some soup” really loudly. Please put your bowl in the dishwasher when you’re done. This isn’t a restaurant.
This meal will elevate your taste buds to a culinary level one can only experience by dining at a triple Michelin Star French restaurant. It’s a beautiful mix of processed ingredients and butter. I dedicate this inspired meal to my life- long friend, Lauren, with whom I perfected it every Friday in 8th grade. Better than a French wine, this meal is often excellently paired with a game of Mario Kart N64. Always pick Yoshi for racing and Bowser for battle levels. It’s important.
BROWNIES AND MAC Ingredients 1 Box of Kraft Mac and Cheese Original Recipe 1 Box of Betty Crocker Fudge Brownies Follow instructions on the boxes. Eat Mac and Cheese first and eat all of it. Left over Kraft is gross people.
This recipe is another homage to my mother. My mother is the CEO of a toilet paper company, mother of three children and a philanthropist. If I had to guess, I would say her crowning life achievement is her chocolate chip pancakes or her “chocolate chippers”. Much like other famous chefs, she has spent tireless hours cultivating and perfecting her recipe. It starts with a box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix. She follows the directions on the box closely except for the milk. One time she audaciously decided to reject the suggested ¾ of a cup of milk and put at least 1 ½ cups of milk into the recipe. As if these milk shenanigans had not already established her as a maverick, she also decided to use mini chips in lieu of the regular sized chocolate chips. Well you can imagine what happened next. All out mania. My brother started to wake up before noon. My sister told all of her friends to come to our house instead of her going to theirs. As for me? I like plain pancakes, sorry mom.
CHOCOLATE CHIPPERS
Ingredients Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix 1 ½ Cups of Milk 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil 1 egg Mini Chocolate Chips Combine the ingredients, get flipping. If you find yourself with friends who won’t leave, which is a guaranteed side effect of these pancakes, I suggest telling them they should join you for a homework/Degrassi marathon. Before Drake was here, he was at the bottom as wheel chair Jimmy. His acting was nothing short of room clearing.
The way that my mom is known for her chocolate chippers pales in comparison to the fame I have garnered for my pasta. What I am trying to say is that my dad asks me out of all the cooks in the house to make the pasta. So that’s a huge deal. In his words, “Al you always perfectly cook the pasta, it’s always all dante”. I have come to assume he means al dente, the Italian word for being cooked to a firm bite. I know the old adage warns that a magician should never reveal his/her secrets, but I have inherited my mother’s reluctance to adhere to social norms.
PERFECT PASTA Ingredients Pasta Start by selecting a box of pasta, my favorite is penne. Pour what you think is the appropriate amount for the people you are cooking for. Nope that was too much. Starting at five minutes before it’s expected to be done, sample the pasta. Every minute, try a new piece even though you know it’s not done yet. Finally, you will try it and it will be done.
SHITTY RICE Um I feel like I have been great about providing recipes, so it’s only fair that I can ask for help right? I know by now you are wondering which prestigious cooking school I studied at or which famous chef mentored me. Well bombshell time. I am mostly self-taught. Or if my mother and sister are reading this, you guys taught me everything thanks! Anyway, who cares right? You are probably thinking, it doesn’t matter how she gained her skills, it seems like there is nothing this girl can’t cook. Well thanks. It’s not true though. We all have our Everests. I can’t cook rice at all. Not once has my rice approached edible. It’s either too soggy or extremely crunchy. I don’t get it, people have tried to help. I follow the recipe on the bag/box. I can’t do it. Somebody, please tell me what need to do. I’ll do it.
Ingredients Rice Water A freaking miracle
I feel like my reaching out for help for the rice was so brave of me. Now that I dove deep into myself to expose a crippling insecurity, I would like to discuss a recipe that will elevate me again to culinary excellence. For me to talk about this recipe, I should start at the beginning. I was born a year and a half after my sister. I can only assume that from the moment I was born an obsession start to bloom. What started out as flattering imitation quickly evolved into flat out identity theft and plagiarism. That’s what my sister says about me. She is not wrong. According to her and tons of hard evidence, I have taken phrases, jokes, mannerisms and so much more of hers and masqueraded them as my own. Totally unrelated, I developed a fantastic recipe for stove popped popcorn. How did I come up with it you ask? I think it just came to me in a dream one night.
POPCORN
Ingredients Popcorn Kernels Salt Pepper Garlic Salt Parmesan Cheese Canola/Vegetable Oil Pop the popcorn. Put the seasoning on. Enjoy, you’re welcome.
We’ve talked pasta. Rice ugh whatever. My popcorn recipe. Now it’s time to talk potatoes. “Potatoes are the cornerstone of life.” – Abe Lincoln. He probably didn’t say that. The humble potato sits un-assuming in a depressing sack. Most people would walk by it not knowing its capabilities and potential. One could say I much like a potato in this sense. This metaphor works perfectly in many instances in my life. Perhaps the earliest example was in kindergarten. One day my babysitter came to pick me up and my teacher pulled her aside for a brief discussion about me. My babysitter was initially worried until Mrs. Betch assured her I wasn’t in trouble at all. In fact, she was truly inspired and up for the challenge of having a mute in her class. After clearing up the confusion with my teacher, my babysitter tried to get to the bottom of my vow of silence. She never really found out why I didn’t’ talk but all parties moved on. I can now reveal my silence was deeply political and religious in nature. Or it was because Alana Crystal told me I was stupid for suggesting to Franny that she use a purple crayon. Then I decided for the rest of the year my opinion wouldn’t be needed. Anyway, the potato. I l ove potatoes because whether they are mashed, baked, roasted or boiled, they are a fantastic superfood. Perhaps the perfect iteration of the potato is the Latke. I will now go into a story about how I’m like a Latke. No just kidding. The potato latke is a Chanukah staple and our family recipe is derived from the oldest known cookbook known to man. Or it just looks that way.
LATKES Ingredients 6 potatoes 1 onion Flour Eggs Baking Soda/Powder? Oil Peel the potatoes. Mix the stuff together. Fry the mixture.
Thanks While many people asked not to be mentioned in conjunction with this book, I couldn’t help but take a moment to show my gratitude. First, I would like thank Jcrew and Banana Republic. It is surreal how skewed your sizes are. No matter how much weight I gain, I’m always the same size. Thank you, I wouldn’t eat the way I do if it weren’t for you. To my brother and father, your reluctance to cook has made you surrender to my recipes. To my mother and sister, you are the true heroes of this book. I basically stole all of your recipes and claimed them as mine. Finally, Mikaela my art director partner and friend, thanks for making everything pretty and for eating ungodly amounts of candy and Thai with me.
“Once in a lifetime, a chef comes along and changes the landscape of cooking forever. Allison Reuben is an insult to that chef.” - NY Times “I just got out of the hostpial today. I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with the recipe I prepared from this cook book?” -Amy Lai “I thought every recipe here was fantastic!” - Allison’s Mom