november 15 2016
This is story about depression, anxiety, and suicide. During my junior year of college, on November 15, 2016, I experienced my first and last suicide attempt. I was in dark place for years and thought that taking my own life would be the only way to finally feel some light. Thankfully, I am surrounded by family and friends, who truly love and care about me. It was through their support and warmth that I was able to push through this difficult time.
With that said, this project is not intended recreate wounds or induce trauma. This project is of service. There is a stigma surrounding mental health, and often it is not talked about in communities of color.
I understand that it is difficult and something that will probably affect me for the rest of my life. However, with photography and poetry, two art forms that I cherish, I can share my story in a light that is healing for me and hopefully for other people who share the same struggle.
I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone.
Sometimes I forget what my face looks like
used to be the stories that spoke of the pain
I lose the beauty that they tell me is there
covered up by sleeves no one could really know my story
while everyone gleams at me with pride
swept up in storms of hate and anger
like last year, when life was so tense
then passes me off like a shiny product
worn out like an old rug Trapped in darkness.
america showed her true colors protesting in a bubble,
or action figure here to save the day
and silenced by fear
lighting an endless fire with no water to soothe the flames
and sometimes i do want to save the day
enthralled in pain, anger, and confusion i wrapped a belt around my neck.
to be a hero
where is it born? Trapped in darkness. and silenced by fear where is it born? is it from the bullying i experienced as a child. she never liked my hair too long she never liked my skin too dark she never liked my height too tall she never liked my talent too smart too much or was it the self hatred running straight to the bathroom everyday after school trying to erase my face in the mirror
to be of service
i stood in my closet. half empty and half full.
be of purpose
threw the belt over the pole.
how do i save myself
and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled
but first
how do I release how can i be born again? fresh
and
clear
kept pulling
new eyes,
until all i could understand was my breath my heavy breath
with a kinder heart
then i thought of toni morrison, sethe, with those gray eyes paul d with that bit on his mouth i started
warm as the sun fiery as the spirit as beautiful as the photo as telling as my pride
hearing my breath.
of my mothers pride
make those stretch marks go away
listening to my breath
my daddy’s pride
make this dark skin go away
feeling my breath.
where do i begin?
make this sensitive heart go away
wanting my breath
i beg you
make the curiosity go away
i was still alive in color haunted by my own light i was still alive
please
make the awkward go away make these tears go away girl let me tell you i am invisible. the cuts on my arms
you know, sometimes i cant feel my own strength so i assume i am weak.
don’t let me end.