OTHER HELPFUL WAYS TO BUILD AND FOSTER INTIMACY INCLUDE:

Make each other a priority

One of the most important things you can do to strengthen intimacy is to start by taking a step back to assess if you ar making your partner(s) a priority. Making each other a priority means setting aside time to connect, being aware of each other’s needs, making an intentional effort to meet those needs, and checking in regularly on the current functioning and quality of the relationship. In every type of relationship, your partner(s) should know they matter to you and are a priority in your world.

Engage in regular “check-ins”

Part of making each other a priority includes the necessity of creating time each day for shorter check-ins and time each week for longer check-ins. It is helpful to come up with a list of questions that get discussed at the longer check-ins, such as:

- Are your needs getting met in our relationship?

- How can I show up for you better?

- What are you most proud of this week?

- What was your biggest struggle this week?

- What do you think is going well for us?

- Where could we improve?

The daily check-ins can certainly be shorter and more concise but are still crucial for maintaining connection. However, the weekly check-ins should be more detailed and deliberate and should result in asking follow-up questions, as well as working to gain clarity of your partner’s experiences.

Use communication skills that help your partner(s) feel seen, heard, and validated

It can feel impossible to share hard things when we feel dismissed, misunderstood, or as if someone is constantly offering solutions instead of listening. Learning how to help our partner(s) feel seen and heard, is one of the most impactful things we can do for our relationships. In order to do this, we need to ensure we are reflecting, validating, and exploring our partners’ experiences. When your partner shares something with you, gently reflect back in your own words what you heard them say. Ask if you understood them correctly; if not, ask for further clarification. Secondly, provide validation by demonstrating empathy and understanding for their experience and emotions (even if you feel differently). Third, explore by asking follow-up questions to better understand their experience, as well as what you can do to ensure they feel seen, safe, and supported. Putting this all together might sound like, “I’m hearing you say that you don’t feel like we are spending enough time together, which sounds like is causing you to feel hurt and disconnected… is that right? What are some things I can do to help you feel like a priority, so we can work towards reconnecting?”

Express gratitude to each other daily

When someone in a relationship starts to feel taken for granted or as though the relationship is not reciprocal, this often becomes a breeding ground for hurt and resentment. This hurt and resentment can result in disconnection and a lack of safety. One way to prevent this disconnect is by ensuring you are expressing gratitude to your partner on a regular basis. Try expressing gratitude or praise to your partner five times more often than you provide feedback or make a request. This gratitude should be specific and clearly labels what you are thankful for. For example, instead of just saying, “thank you” after your partner serves dinner, try instead something such as, “thank you for making me such a delicious dinner tonight.” Being consistent and specific in expressing gratitude shows your partner that you notice their hard work and commitment to you.

Surprise each other with thoughtful gestures

As relationships evolve over time, it is very common for partners to stop engaging in behaviors that are demonstrated early on in a relationship, such as giving gifts, love notes, and surprise gestures. Yet, this is one of the most effective ways to remain connected, because it creates excitement, novelty, and the awareness that your partner is thinking about you even when you are apart. These surprise gestures don’t have to be expensive or extravagant, but rather are intended to be sweet and thoughtful. This can include leaving notes on each other’s cars, doing a task for your partner while they are at work, or even bringing them their favorite candy.

No matter what age, gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle, etc., all romantic relationships require mutuality, time, attention, and intentional efforts towards fostering all five types of intimacy in order to prevent discontentment and disconnection. Intimacy is truly the glue that holds a healthy relationship together and is a required and essential component for a successful relationship.