NCSF MISSION STATEMENT

The NCSF is committed to advancing the rights of consenting adults in the BDSM-LeatherFetish, Swing, and Polyamory communities through education, advocacy, and outreach.

The Foundation of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (FNCSF) is NCSF’s 501(c)(3) charitable foundation. It provides educational programs related to our mission. Taxdeductible donations support the projects of our foundation.

The SEXuation:

Mary and Mark are admittedly newer to the lifestyle, having about eight months under their belt when they meet Jessica and James on a lifestyle dating website. Jessica and James are even newer to the lifestyle, but the foursome hit it

Unfortunately, the fun did not last for Mary. James could not maintain an erection, and when James returned to Jessica to get some head, Mary noticed James’s enjoyment of watching Jessica with Mark. Mary got in her head and instantly felt rejected. All this while Mark was having sex with Jessica. Jessica appeared to be enjoying herself, which only dug that knife deeper. Mary was so stuck in her head with her feelings of rejection that she ended up sitting out, and while she sat off female/female play based on conversations over text prior to the date. The night begins with drinks; despite some shyness and nerves, they end up in the bedroom, and Jessica is giving James head when Mary asks if it is okay for her to touch Jessica. With a “Yes” from Jessica, Mary proceeds to touch and caress Jessica, bringing her to orgasm. Mark and James suggest the girls move to the bed, where Mary notices that Jessica is not reciprocating and seems to be a “pillow princess.” Soon, the men join them on the bed, and the husbands swap wives. Mary felt it was a natural transition. off in their DM’s and then moved to exchanging texts. They schedule a date for dinner followed by drinks and then possibly playtime. Mary tells me about the evening; she says that Jessica is listed as “bicurious” on their profile, and she knows that Jessica was interested in to the side, she began to get increasingly frustrated with Mark. Mark had not noticed her at first but did, however, return to Mary as soon as he saw her and left Jessica without creating a more awkward situation. As Mary tells it, it was too little too late; she had sat stewing in her emotions for too long by this point. Mary tells me that she and Mark go through great efforts to find couples who want full swap from both parties, not just the wife, and that the four of them had had a conversation over drinks that they expect everyone to be involved. Mary walked away from this situation feeling totally rejected by James, used by Jessica, and questioning if she wanted to continue in the lifestyle.

There are so many points within this encounter that Mary could have easily changed to improve her sexuation. Starting first with the lead-up to the date. If you have ever read or listened to any swinger “how to” or 101 info, you know the resounding message to all couples is that you must have good communication! The oxymoron is that that message seems to fall on deaf ears. Now most people hear communication and believe that means between partners or significant others; however, I’d like to stress that communication has to be clear between ALL parties involved. Those early text messages or DM’s these couples exchanged were prime times to clarify what they were seeking in the bedroom and cover expectations. I don’t think it’s enough just to say, “It’s important to us that everyone is involved.” Be specific about what that means and what that looks like. When Mary says everyone needs to be involved, I think foursome vs. swap, and by no means did this sound like it was headed in the foursome direction. If you and your partner are particular in how you want the playtime to play out, you need to s-p-e-l-l that out to the other players.

Now, communication to the side, the next hurdle is the female/female play and those expectations. Addressing the label of bi-curious, first, there are several labels that lifestyle women (and men) use on their profiles that are terribly confusing. For example, you might see women labeled as bicomfortable, bi-curious, or bi-sexual. These are not terms that are used synonymously with LQBTQIA+ terms such as pansexual, polysexual…and the like.

The terms lifestylers use in their profiles are more to give others an idea of where their preferences lie. There isn’t an exact definition for these terms, and a lot is left up to your own interpretation.

Unless, of course, you have communicated well with the person who used one of these terms and clarified what it meant to them. Oh boy, there goes that communication stuff again; you can’t escape it! It is my understanding that Jessica likely did not have a lot of sexual experience with females, leading me to believe that it’s entirely possible that she had no idea where to start or how she might reciprocate for Mary. Maybe she indeed was a pillow princess and didn’t care to return the favor at all, but either way, my answer is, “Never give with the intention of receiving in return!” If you get a return on your “investment,” that’s great, but if you don’t get the same returned effort, be happy knowing you pleasured someone else, do not hold it against that person.

That brings erections. lack of erection attraction to the woman he is with. Men get the short end of the stick here; they can’t hide it. There are plenty of times I was totally turned on, but you wouldn’t know it due to a lack of my moistness. I’d slap on some lube, and we go at it. The lack of an erection doesn’t mean the man is not turned on. It just means his brain and his body haven’t made that connection yet. As a woman in Mary’s sexuation, it is not easy to stop yourself from going into self-defamation talk and getting down on yourself, but that’s the opposite of what this sexuation needs. James did the right thing; he returned to his partner when things got hard, or umm, didn’t.

He knew his partner would be helpful in getting him hard, and he is allowed to, and encouraged to, return to his partner in this scenario. It was Mary’s response to this that really set the tone for the rest of the experience, and it is so avoidable. When a man can’t get hard, the partner with him in that moment should take their time to help him come around. Try a blow job, kissing, a hand job, or caressing his body. Allow him to go back to his own partner or just get out of his line of sight and let him watch his own partner enjoying herself. He may just need a bit of time to come around. If he needs more time than you are willing to give, you may join in on the other interaction to take the pressure off, make it a threesome, find a place to get involved. Caress the other female, kiss her or your partner, touch your partner, and chances are that the less pressure that man feels to get hard, the quicker it will happen. However, there is the chance that it may not happen at all. Be prepared for that possibility as well. There are many aggravating factors that may make it exceedingly difficult to nearly impossible to maintain an erection, things like stress and alcohol or drug consumption, to name a few.

On another note, there is likely a component of jealousy on Mary’s part that she was not the center of attention. Those feelings should be discussed between Mark and Mary, and sorted through so that they can set boundaries and possibly even safe words that can be put into play in their future sexuations.

I also want to briefly touch on expectations as well. For Mary and Mark, the expectation that a very new lifestyle couple would be able to bring the heat in the bedroom was pretty far off base. Realize who you are getting involved with and line up your expectations appropriately.

A soft penis is not the end of the world! Men can please women with more than just their penis. We each need to learn the best way to work around it. Approach each sexuation with a positive, “can do” attitude and look for the places where you can make the exchange sexy and fun for yourself as well everyone else.

Living an alternative lifestyle means you’re not tied down by traditional expectations and you can begin to focus on what’s truly important to you. It means finally getting to be my true, authentic self This, in turn, has lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying life. It takes so much strength and willpower to lead an alternative lifestyle. This is why most people choose not to. It's also why most people do not ever feel truly fulfilled in life!

HOWLONGHAVEYOUBEENLIVINGANALTLIFE? WHATATTRACTEDYOUTOIT?

We began the BDSM lifestyle over 10 years ago, and the enm lifestyle 2 years ago. We are very sexual people, who enjoy exploring and fulfilling those needs together

HOWWOULDDOYOUDEFINEYOURALTLIFE?

EXCITING. EXCITING. EXCITING.

We get to explore and discover new places, people, and things together every single day!

WHATISYOURFAVORITEVANILLAACTIVITY?

Watching Watching Watching Live

MUSIC. LIVE MUSIC. LIVE MUSIC.

I am a drummer and music fanatic and I adore and appreciate all artists so much!

WHATISYOURBIGGESTTURNON? PERSONALITY PERSONALITY

WHATISYOURBIGGESTTURNOFF?

WHATISONELESSONYOUHAVELEARNON YOURALTLIFEJOURNEY?

Communication is everything! No matter how small or silly it might be, speak up!

SPEAK UP! SPEAK UP! SPEAK UP!

WHATISONETHING ONYOURBUCKET LISTYOUHOPETODO THISYEAR?

BLISS BLISS BLISS

CRUISE CRUISE CRUISE

NO SENSE NO SENSENO SENSE OF HUMOR OF HUMOROF HUMOR

WHATSYOURGUILTYPLEASURE?

REALITY TV REALITY TV REALITY TV

WHATISYOURFAVORITEFOOD?

BBQ BBQ BBQ