6 minute read
Growing up in the Lifestyle: How different cultures embrace sexuality
from January 2023
Growing up in the Lifestyle
How different cultures embrace sexuality
By: Pineappleupsidedowncake
I still remember that cold winter day, the tone of my mother’s voice and those words being spoken by her. I was 14-years old. My parents were both high-energy people, always working and trying to fulfill our dreams. My mother was a nurse, and my father a welder; we were considered upper-middle class. A typical blue-collar family, as they say, in America. I was baptized a Roman Catholic and went to communion. My parents were not huge into religion, but they ensured I knew what it was about. My upbringing was very different from what was considered to be “normal” in the United States.
Growing up in Germany during the 90s, everything was different. Europeans in general are more open about sex, sexuality, and the human body. I vaguely remember going on vacations and women being topless, smaller children being naked in the sand, building sandcastles, and burying themselves. No one had a care in the world about anyone being naked, it was natural (it IS natural). No one was ashamed of themselves. No one looked at each other with disgust or judgment. I still recall the cool breeze and laughter. I never felt different from anyone else, and I never felt ashamed of my body. No one was bothered to see the breast, nipples, or penis. You could often catch them on regular TV channels during programs and commercial breaks. Soft porn after midnight was normal. Since there was no actual intercourse shown, you could use your imagination. It was more of seductive soft porn to get your mind going. People just looked at sex in a completely different way.
It was not taboo; it was not forbidden and not portrayed as close-minded or secretive like it is here in the U.S. and other countries. Growing up on the chubbier side of the female body, I was never ashamed of being naked; children didn’t laugh during sex education when a teacher or nurse mentioned a word that made them feel uncomfortable. I believe this is why I look at swinging or ethical non-monogamy differently. For me and the culture I grew up in, it is natural.
Back to the night I learned about the lifestyle. We had a big blizzard and my parents were trapped at work. As I had done many times before, I called them when I woke to check in and start my day. This time it was different. Instead of answering the phone with a quick “Hello,” she answered with “R1 Erotic Club, How may I help you?” You can imagine how confused I was. Up until then, they did a great job of hiding their lifestyle from me. I seriously had no idea that there was even such a thing as swingers club.
The conversation was quick, but my curiosity was getting the better of me. Mom explained to me that a swingers club was an adult bar. I just could not wrap my head around it so I snuck into their bedroom and started snooping. I found flyers and magazines hidden in their closet. Articles about sex and why it is ok to feel comfortable in your body. I discovered pictures of playrooms, various advertisements of different clubs and what they had to offer along with things and objects people liked or preferred, things that could be used to stimulate your individual kink or spruce up up your sex life.
Sex was never a taboo conversation in our home. Children are educated fairly early in Germany. Before a young girl is at menstruation age she typically already knows about sex, reproduction and how to “be safe.” For me, that age was eleven. It was important for my parents to let me know that I was a woman and that I could get pregnant. At 13 years old, I was already on birth control.
The day after I found out about my parents, my mother sat me down and explained to me what they were doing. She reassured me that being a swinger was ok, as long as it was consensual. She said both partners had to be in agreement, that there should be boundaries set and that it was ok if you were an adult. At the age of 16 (which is legal age for consensual sex in Germany), I had my first real boyfriend and was sexually active. I found myself more and more curious about the lifestyle.
When my parents were “working” I would sneak into their bedroom and read pretty much any magazine I could find. I found the lifestyle enticing and intriguing, I was certain it was for me too. The older I got the more I discovered which kinks were turn-ons for me and which were an absolute no-go’s for me. The openness about sex and sexuality in my childhood prepared me and molded me into the person I am today. When I go to a club or event I am never uncomfortable or anxious. It is like a second home. Growing up in the lifestyle taught me to be comfortable in my skin, even when I was a chubby girl. I did not grow up with body shaming or an idea of what made the “perfect” body. Instead I grew up with a sense of confidence and comfortableness in my own skin.
Through sex education and the open upbringing my parents established, I have a better understanding and acceptance of the entire sexual spectrum as a whole. This includes swinging, non-monogamy, polyamory and BDSM to name a few. I grew up knowing and feeling that being different is ok and that everyone has a right to have their own sexual freedom and desires. Being able to openly talk about sex made it less seductive, less secretive, and less intrusive. Swinging is still alive and thriving in Germany. It is practiced by more people and is often like going to a regular bar. There is no judgment, there is no one size fits all. It is a community based on communication, consent and boundaries. Growing up in the lifestyle taught me that being different doesn’t mean it's bad or wrong. It means that everyone has a right to be as sexually free as they choose to be. If you have taken nothing away from my experience, I want you to know this…acceptance starts in your heart and not in your head!
