Common Ground: When Ethical Non-Monogomy & BDSM Collide

Common Ground

When Ethical Non-Monogomy & BDSM Collide

By: Cadence Rayne

Let's Face It you either identify with one or both sides of this divide. And yes, I said divide. While both lifestyle choices look very different, at their core, they both fall under the alternative lifestyle umbrella. One might think that this would mean that both lifestyles could play together nicely. However, over time, misconceptions and assumptions have increased the chasm between the two. It is our goal to provide some perspective to both sides so that we can, in fact, find common ground. We are all fighting the same fight of being judged for our choices, being outed to our families or employers, and facing custody battles just to name a few. We should band together, but to do so, we need to understand one another.

Misconceptions are common from both perspectives. For many of you, the mention of BDSM elicits some sort of immediate response. In some people, you might feel immediately turned on and excited by it.

Did you know?

The terms 'top' and 'bottom' are often used in BDSM. The 'top' is the instigator and the 'bottom' is the receiver. These terms are often used interchangeably, but are slightly different than 'sub' and 'dom'.

source: wikipedia.com

For others, it might immediately turn you off.

It’s not my goal to change your level of participation in BDSM but rather to provide you with information that allows you to see that we are not so different. Let’s start with what BDSM is not. BDSM is not weird or all about pain. Those that participate in BDSM activities are not different from you or me. A participant does not have to wear leather or latex, nor do they have to participate in activities that they deem unsafe. Participants are not abused, nor are participants abusers or mentally unstable. I could go on and on, but these are some of the most common misconceptions. As for assumptions, let me paint you a picture… you are logged onto your preferred site to find other ENM people and come across a profile. As you scroll through the pictures, you identify that they are wearing a collar or maybe someone is tied up in some intricate rope. Or, maybe their pictures don’t paint a picture of being into BDSM, but you see a few buzzwords like “kinky” or “submissive” in their profile. Now, let’s say that up to this point – you haven’t stuck your toe in the BDSM pool.

What do you do next?

If you answer that you are passing that profile by, you’ve drawn an assumption that they require that style of play or that you aren’t into the same things and, therefore, you aren’t a match. Remember, as an ENM person, it’s part of your responsibility to know your boundaries and then communicate them with your potential partners. In this instance, you could have passed on a potential match simply by assuming that their style of play is required of you rather than discussing it. On the flip side, because of those assumptions, many folks that practice BDSM leave those details out of their ENM profiles because they don’t want to run people away because of preconceived ideas of what that means to a potential partner.

As a person who identifies with both sides, it doesn’t feel good to hide who I am from people who might push those buttons for me just because I don’t want someone who isn’t into it to pass the profile by because of it. We can do better! So, how can we do better – let’s find our common ground.

Mutual Respect

I’ve been known to use a phrase regularly: “don’t yuck someone else’s yum.” And at the end of the day, that’s all you need to consider in terms of treating other alternative lifestyles with mutual respect. You’ve chosen one (or several), but maybe someone else is on a different path. That is okay, but it isn’t your place to pass judgment, just as you wouldn’t want them to pass judgment on you and your alternative lifestyle choices. It could mean that you aren’t compatible for play, and that is perfectly okay – just don’t yuck their yum.

Connection

Let’s face it – at the end of the day, both communities are looking for connection, and neither ENM nor BDSM would exist without it. It takes two (or more) to tango, right?

However, the connection looks different. On the ENM side, we’re all looking to fulfill some sort of sexual gratification – it could be just simply because variety is the spice of life and this lifestyle allows you to have that sexually, it could be that you present daily as a heteronormative person or couple when one or both of you identify as bisexual and need to explore that, or maybe you are seeking to fulfill a fantasy. The possibilities are endless.

However, on the BDSM side, there are equally as many possibilities

It could be that someone enjoys pain and seek someone that enjoys giving it, or perhaps you might be interested in dominating someone else in some psychological fashion, or you want to dress and be treated like a horse. The sky is the limit. At the end of the day, no matter which side, we all seek a connection with someone who can give us what we are looking for.

Consent

Participants in varying alternative lifestyles all operate with consent as a guidestone. That being said, this is the area that I personally believe creates the biggest divide. Those participating in BDSM activities do not operate under the guise of implied consent. Meaning by virtue of being in a dungeon or around BDSM activities at a party, etc… you are not providing any form of implied consent that you are open and willing to participate in these same activities. Consent is taken very seriously, even as it relates to things as simple and vanilla as a hug for a greeting. However, historically, in the ENM world, there tends to be an underlying tone of implied consent.

I’m guessing that some people either immediately disagreed because that hasn’t been your experience, or maybe you are on the opposite end of the spectrum because you feel called out. Body autonomy has not been something that has been held in high regard within the ENM community in the past. Some participants take liberties in that an ENM person is assumed to be comfortable with some level of touch without permission. And to a degree, an assumption is made that body language and nonverbal cues provide consent.

Consent is taken very seriously even in Vanilla situations

Unfortunately, this type of behavior is unbecoming of the ENM participants when they find themselves immersed in a BDSM environment. This is where, as a community, we can do better. A simple inquiry asking permission in advance for any kind of touch will go a long way toward bridging the divide.

At the end of the day, Consent matters to Everyone

Touching without permission, to any degree, should not be tolerated. You ultimately have the responsibility to hold others accountable and give consent to who touches it and how it is treated.

Ultimately, at the core, the overall tone of both ENM and BDSM is the same – do what makes you feel good and respect one another. We all know that bad apples exist, but don’t be one of them. When you find yourself in the company of other lifestyles, remember that we all are fighting the same fight under the guise of alternative lifestyles. The vanilla world doesn’t truly understand any of us – and it’s up to us to respect and protect one another.

Did you Know

BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Dominance and Submission. BDSM often takes place during a specific period of time agreed to by both parties and is referred to as a "play", a "scene", or a "session." Sexual penetration may occur within a session, but is not essential. For legal reasons, such explicit sexual interaction is seen only rarely in public play spaces and is sometimes banned by the rules of the party or playspace.

source: wikipedia.com