Daloo3a Zine #01 - Eating Disorders

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What is Daloo3a?

Daloo3a (pronounced Dal-loo-ah) in Arabic refers to a girl who is precious, delicate – even a little princess-like. However, when used conventionally or contextually, the term has several negative connotations.

Unlike the definition, those who are referred to as “Daloo3a” are depicted as over-dramatic and hypersensitive. When used, the word almost negates how a girl may be feeling, instead causing her to question her own emotions and her right to feel the manner in which she does.

This series of zines was named Daloo3a to demand attention to the various circumstances that are typically shrugged off, stigmatised, or where women’s emotions and hardships are invalidated. The zines also serve as a firm reminder that expressing pain and distress does not make you overdramatic or hypersensitive, it makes you human.

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A letter from the Editor Dear reader, I am writing this with an open heart, one full of trust and preparation to spill whatever deep secrets, pain and fear that once consumed every curvature of it. For over a year now, I’ve been dreaming of designing my own zine, and here it is.

Growing up, “daloo3a” was the one word that spilled out of every loved one’s lips to describe me, and I seldom understood why. All I knew was that I hated that word with every inch of my being and desperately sought to detach it from my identity. Despite my efforts, I kept hearing that word as often as I heard my own name.

At 17 years old, my hatred for the word has finally extinguished. I understand now that being called “daloo3a” was not due to there was some kind of mistake, some kind of flaw, or some kind of missing piece within me. There is nothing wrong with me being sensitive, or for me to take things to heart and feel emotions and swim within them. I should never be ashamed of feeling things, when that is the most human act there is.

Around the time that my relationship with food began to confound me, my parents, siblings and loved ones often called me “daloo3a”. I ended up developing Anorexia Nervosa.

That very word was used to undermine all of the gargantuan

6 anxiety that began to subjugate me at the thought of food. It was used to undermine the entire situation, to infantalize it, to diminish it.

My Anorexia Nervosa flourished, expanded and consumed every aspect of my life until it became who I was.

This zine is for every Anorexic girl, every recovered girl, every dieting girl, every girl who thinks she needs to lose a bit of weight, every girl who scrunches up her nose at the sight of her reflection, to all the girls who sometimes hide in their rooms instead of going out because of how they look, every girl who skipped a meal today, who purged, who binged, who exercised for far too long, who wished things were different.

This is for you.

With love,

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contents 8 Tell Me 11 Untitled 12 At Home and Hopeful

20 Once Upon A Time

23 Stop Looking Past Something That is So Clearly There 26 Invisibly Abnormal

17 Self Portrait: 28 This Nonexistent Body Positivity: Self The International vs. Regional Case

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Tell Me

9 i need someone to grab me by the shoulders, shake me hard and tell me that i do not have to be skinny to be beautiful. that i do not need to change who i am and the way i look to please others and try to exceed their expectations of me. that i am good enough the way i am.

skinny or not, i am valued. i need someone to hold me and tell me that i am worth it. that i am just a human being and being human is not a bad thing at all. i need someone to hold me tight and teach me how to accept myself just the way i am. how to love myself unconditionally no matter how much i ate that day or how uncomfortable i feel in my skin. i need someone to teach me to be myself and embrace all my flaws and be content with who i am. i want someone to convince me that my thighs don’t need to have a gap between them so that i could wear those black skinny jeans i liked, but am unable to wear because i think i look fat in them. i need someone to tell me that i don’t have to have a flat stomach to be able to wear a two-piece to go to the beach with my friends. that i don’t need to have the tiniest waist and thinnest wrists to be happy. that my ribs don’t have to stick out when i stretch and my spine doesn’t have to pop out of my skin when i sit or bend my back. i need to understand that there is no race to be the skinniest

10 friend. i need someone to teach me how to truly look at myself in the mirror without comparing what i look like with other girls i see on the internet. i need someone to tell me that i don’t have to look perfect all the time. that my hair doesn’t have to be straight and soft every minute of every day. that i don’t have to pluck every little hair that grows in my arms before someone sees it, for it is a shame and a disgusting sight to be a girl and have hair on my body. i need someone to tell me that i do not have to have big breasts to be attractive in the eyes of a man. that having tiny breasts or even a flat chest does not make or break my femininity. and most importantly, i need someone to tell me, keep telling me till it’s engraved deep into my heart and mind, that i am not my body, that i am way way more that what the eyes can see.

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Untitled YASMEEN AMR

i am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me, the sound of the wind carrying my burdens as i let go of them, to learn life is more than to worry i am loving the scent of my mother’s cooking, to feel its warmth envelope my heart rather than have it feel like a bullet to the chest, because i’m too afraid i might possibly start to love it too much im learning to love the sensation of my stomach being full, for it to mean i have energy, rather than being weak-willed and disgraceful, i’m learning to love the warmth my body radiates: it shows that i’m alive and that i’ve had faith i’m learning to love the sight of my body in the mirror, to wait patiently as it becomes stronger, possibly bigger, i’m learning to accept the sight of myself, and to learn to love me, because i have nobody else.

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At Home and Hopeful FATMAH AL-QADFAN

I sit here by a large window, the room awash with that bright winter light that I adore. I sit here writing this piece wrapped in a plaid wool blanket, mildly distracted by the soft music and the glow from the fireplace. I sit here invigorated after my quick stroll through an inconspicuous North Carolina neighborhood at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains. I sit here knowing that if someone were to point a camera at me, I’d smile. I sit here knowing that I wouldn’t suck my stomach in or instruct the photographer to find my good side. I sit here after who knows how many cups of coffee and several pieces of crunchy, sugar-dusted French toast.

I sit here knowing that if I get hungry before lunch, I’ll take my pick from the snacks that I brought with me on this trip.

I sit here without a sense of guilt for not exercising enough, without silently questioning whether I’ve earned any of this this food, this rest, this slow pace, this glorious vacation. I sit here without a compulsion to count calories or steps, without the need to shop for special ingredients for a specific diet that I convinced myself is totally flexible and has more food than I can actually finish. I sit without the ableist fear of most millennials that I won’t be strong enough to play with my

13 great-grandchildren because I am not pushing my body to its physical limits today. I sit here knowing that this is my life - I haven’t fallen off any bandwagon, I don’t have to “bounce back” to a prescribed way of eating and moving after vacation. I sit here in gratitude for the learning that has given me this peace of mind. I sit here in awe of my privileges, my friendships, and my surroundings. I sit here, at home, in my body.

I am keenly aware of how absurd that first paragraph might sound to someone who is in the throes of their disordered eating, to someone who has known nothing but endless doubt and criticism. Yet I hold hope that everyone can enjoy the ease I describe: having awareness of the body and its needs, without being obsessed with it.

I believe that through self-exploration, mindfulness, and education, one can develop a kind and trusting relationship with their body. This is because I primarily work with individuals who fall somewhere on the eating disorder spectrum and I see warriors claiming their life back with every choice they make.

In my roles as therapist, educator, and advocate, I support folks whose relationship with food and their body has become disrupted by complex reasons. A preoccupation with exercise, body image, and food can be unhealthy and can also be a sign that one is trying to stifle difficult emotions or memories. Thoughts and behaviors around food and the body (that often start out in the pursuit of health) can very quickly spiral out of control, taking precedence over social FATMAH AL-QADFAN

14 connection, work, leisure, and hobbies.

Disordered eating is dangerous. It impacts people of all ages and is detrimental to one’s emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. In my practice, I encounter individuals who cannot see past the next meal, who cannot look at photos of themselves without harsh criticism, and who bounce from fad diet to cleanse to workout phenomenon, chasing that brief high and sense of superiority for going without sugar, for losing fat but not muscle, for putting butter in their coffee or drinking their way through a small celery farm.

As an Arab woman, I get it. I was born and raised in a dichotomous world of rules, of “right” and “wrong,” “good” and “bad,” in a culture of “success” or “failure,” of “healthy for your gut/brain/toenails” vs. “this dessert will straight up kill you.” And like many incredible individuals that I have met along the years, I slowly learned to deconstruct, veer away, even defy these constraining systems. The last place I expected to run into during this exhausting, polarized thinking is at home, in my very own body. But the body simply swims in diet culture.

Yes, I got the same memo as my clients: certain bodies are good, some bodies might be tolerable if you squint, and most bodies must change pronto to fit the first category. The message is subtle at times: my favorite clothing boutiques only carried smaller sizes, friends celebrate and congratulate each other’s ability to stick to Whole30 or go keto, and girls being likened to models (read: tall and emaciated), as FATMAH AL-QADFAN

15 though that’s an accomplishment. Most other times, the message is blatant, and frankly cruel: a girl being called a cow by a classmate who imitates and exaggerates how she eats, people laughing at fat jokes (people rolling their eyes at being called fatphobic: ugh, can’t we joke anymore? why is everyone so sensitive?), a mother snatching a snack from her daughter’s hand, telling her she’ll be grateful one day, a doctor sternly administering weight loss to someone who is secretly binging and purging, “The Biggest Loser,” and every fat character in every show, movie, or book. The list goes on.

The message is clear: your body is a project, your body is to be stretched and toned and sculpted, your body is to be analyzed and evaluated. But don’t you dare get sick trying.

Don’t you develop a form of disordered eating that’s not culturally acceptable, don’t you dare feel anxious or avoidant or angry. And of course, don’t you go getting depressed when your weight plateaus, when you weight cycle, when your relationships disintegrate.

I sit here wondering how all these words tumbled out and who will read them. I sit here amazed at my ability to express.

I sit here reflecting on my role as a therapist, as a sister, a friend, a daughter. I sit here knowing in my heart that I am a woman of strength and vulnerability. I sit here allowing myself to feel angry towards diet culture and its insidious messages about weight and size, handed to women across generations. I sit here with hot tea and a piece of chocolate.

I sit here, breathing in and out. I sit here hopeful that we can break out, break free. I sit here proud of the people who speak up, who demand to be seen. I sit here writing words, writing change. I sit here, at home and at ease, in my body.

FATMAH AL-QADFAN

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Self Portrait: This Nonexistent Self Razan H. Al Zayed This painting aims to display the artist's personal experience and view upon herself amidst a crucial period of bulimia and anorexia, being unable to perceive her own existence mentally and physically. Thus, portraying a nonexistent self, a non-entity, a constructed idea of an image.

She has created this painting among many others in a series devoted to raising public awareness on mental health disorders, entitled Pretty in Pink. The objective of the series is to illustrate and display the significance of all attributes pertaining to that of mental health, or basic raw emotions kept hidden from the public eye, in aims to maintain the image of a pretty and pink visage.

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photo credits: Fahad Al Gharib // fk.algharib@gmail.com

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Once Upon A Time ZAINA

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Once upon a time, I was a buoyant soul.

I had a twinkle in my eyes that would illuminate skies further than what my physical anatomy could comprehend.

I would float on oceans beyond our solar system, lighter than air.

But I cannot hold the universe within me anymore.

You see I’ve become too weak: My fingertips are too cold, they’d freeze the soft petals of spring The streams of blue have become too prominent, and I simply cannot stop outpouring rivers.

Once upon a time, I was praised.

How lovely had it been, Being so small.

So small that I only had the mental capacity for numbers One, two, three steps then a few thousand more.

Three, two, one bites and a lot less…

ZAINA

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Once upon a time, I broke down.

I let out the suppressed storm; the rivers cascaded and flooded the empty rooms.

I no longer hold frozen lakes, but warm springs.

Ones with with water lillies and gleaming rays.

I’ve yet to regain the twinkle in my eyes.

Until then, I will hold on tighter to the warmth of the ground When I feel the merciless storm tugging at my cold limbs.

ZAINA

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Stop Looking Past Something That is so Clearly There.

24 As MENA women, our progression and our ability to prosper to the highest forms of ourselves, to others at least, is not only measured by our personal growth or our successes and failures, it is also measured by our body image.

Of course, there is the universal charade that the world chooses to play along with, in which we are all accepted and given an equal share of the world’s attention to put into existence what we would like to achieve. We are made to believe that there is no preferences, no biases, no superficialities when choosing who is and is not heard.

We know it’s not true but we keep the cycle of false hope spinning to make ourselves feel better about not being able to fulfill the utopian ideologies of acceptance we spread around while supporting the same stereotypical images of how successful women, proud women, fulfilled women are portrayed.

It is so hard trying to claw our way up to get to the same level as the pedestal that we put women with ideal body types on. Women, as a collective, have a hard enough time as it is without being objectified and degraded to these subcategories depending on our exterior appeal. What this is doing is making women who struggle with body image feel like they are not on par with everyone else, and it leads women who have no trouble with themselves or their self image to developing very consuming body image issues of their own.

This overwhelming desire for us to look a certain way from the society we are encompassed by, plants in us this

25 subconscious inclination to try and change ourselves to match their unrealistic expectations. We want to be noticed, but in a different way than we are now. We want to be noticed for our character and potential as opposed to what we physically, tangibly represent in our appearance.

There is a long list of very relevant, significant factors in our lives that can result in eating disorders, but for a lot of women, this, in particular, is the most significant, and many continue to sturggle with an eating disorder for the duration of their lives. It acts as a constant reminder in the back of our heads that we are not what they want to see, they do not want to associate with the image of ourselves that we put forth; and so these eating disorders act as coping mechanisms for our inability to provide what society expects from us. We put ourselves in these positions, telling ourselves that we are just doing what they are indirectly asking us to do. The stigma of talking about eating disorders is a big factor of its normalization; it is often overlooked and, at times, even encouraged.

For there to be a change or at least a widespread understanding in all of this, we need to stop sliding things like this under the rug because they make us feel uncomfortable.

We need to move past these issues being taboo to spreading awareness about them. If no one is educated on how big of a problem, not to mention a setback, this is, it will just continue to grow without repercussion.

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Invisibly Abnormal

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how is it that the thought of eating sends shivers of disgust through my limbs, yet the instant i sense the smell of food my nose automatically takes a whiff, as if inhaling every fleeting atom of food-scented oxygen, even if it were food i despised... how is it that the thought of having food in my stomach scares me to the point of tears, yet i deeply revel in the sight of people eating the most outrageous desserts with chocolate and caramel oozing with every bite... how is it that the sight of a girl with a frail body, whose bones are visibly sticking out, does not appeal to me at all (in fact, it disturbs me into wondering the secrets behind such an appearance), yet the first thing i do in the morning is touch my hip bones, the skin over them gradually thinning. i then bend my back in front of the mirror, getting a surge of energy upon the sight of my bulging spine and rib cage, which is now visible as i stand, without my body needing me to stretch it... what is wrong with me? where have i cut the cord of connection — of being a normal, sane human?

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Body Positivity: The International vs. Regional Case Dana Al Rashid

“Body Positivity” is a term we often hear on social media, and in casual discussions between us girls in the region, where videos and images of average or “overweight” girls challenging the images presented in media have been getting millions of views from all over the world.

In case you missed it, Body Positivity is a counter-cultural movement that has originated in the United States as a response to the unrealistic - and unhealthy - beauty standards the media has presented of women for many decades - even centuries. It has roots that go back to the earliest versions of feminism, when women in the Victorian Age refused to wear corsets and pushed for allowing women to wear pants.

Body Positivity promotes the notion that the human body (particularly the feminine form) comes in all shapes and sizes, and we all have the right to celebrate and enjoy our bodies the way they are. It also strives to put an end to bodyshaming, whether someone is considered “too skinny” or “too fat” in society’s standards.

As you may already know, the images of models we see

29 every day are altered through heavy photoshopping. Models go through extreme diets, surgeries, and wear a lot of makeup to attain that image. Is the final result really “beautiful”, or have we just gotten used to it because this image has been forced down our throats for a very long time? Regardless of the answer, this still puts a lot of pressure on the average female viewer, and makes the standards of men unrealistic towards women.

I believe that the pressure the media puts on us is tremendous, and it has contributed in increasing the number of eating disorders worldwide. Girls as young as elementary schoolers are showing dissatisfaction with their bodies. Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight.

But I feel that the scales have tipped a little too out of balance in the west in favor of obesity. Obese models like Tess Holiday are on the covers of very famous magazines such as Self and Cosmopolitan. I find this to be as unhealthy as the images of the skinny cover girls many are striving to be like. The problem here is that the body positivity narrative - at least in its current form - is still promoting self-objectification and seeking self-worth from praise on physical appearance.

In most Body Positivity videos, women are trying to prove that they can still be “beautiful” while overweight. They are also still submitting to the beauty norm by trying to be as close as possible to it with overdrawn lips and overprocessed hair, such as the Buzzfeed’s Plus Size Model Dana Al Rashid

30 Remake video.

Whether it’s innate biology or social conditioning, being beautiful and accepted is mostly a feminine concern. We don’t see too many men in the Body Positivity campaigns and it is probably because of the matter-of-fact attitude most men have, so if a man is overweight, he will either hit the gym to lose the weight or accept that he is “just fat”. But then again, men are not judged on their appearances half as much as women are.

However, obesity has a terrible effect on your health.

According to the National Institute of Health, obesity and overweight together are the second leading cause of preventable death in the United States, close behind tobacco use. It is medically called “morbid obesity” for a reason.

We also need to realize that these mega companies are also using the Body Positivity trend to make more money rather than to empower anyone. If advocating plus size and natural beauty acceptance is getting them more money, they will do it. It is simply business at the end of the day.

It seems like Body Positivity is taking a negative turn in the West. And because of the extremes and irrational behavior of the Body Positivity activists, many people are no longer taking it very seriously. A simple YouTube search will give you a long list of videos either criticizing or mocking the movement, with few videos supportive of the cause at the tail of it.

This is all happening in America and the Western World.

Dana Al Rashid

31 Meanwhile, what is happening in the Arab and Gulf region in regards to Body Positivity?

I feel that we are still far off from reaching body acceptance.

Plastic surgery is at an all-time high, and the availability of money in the GCC is making it easier to make such impulsive decisions without reflecting. Surgical body alterations are made and flaunted by local social media celebrities, which is quite shocking considering how conservative our culture is.

Regardless, it is now widely accepted and even sometimes encouraged to make such alterations, especially for married women, all under the shallow argument of “attracting her husband and keeping him around”.

Being a close-knit family and tribe-based society, the pressure is huge. In family gatherings, expect that the first comment you’d be greeted with would be related to your weight. There is less privacy and individualism in our societies, and therefore relatives and friends feel that it is “okay” to make comments about how you “inflated” or need to grow some “feminine features”, conducting how you should lay off the cake or put more rice onto your plate.

In fact, I have once discussed this phenomenon with some colleagues and they find it useful to get “notified” when they gain or lose too much weight, just to keep them in check! But I am sure that others - such as myself - find these comments to be rude, intrusive and uncalled for. We have mirrors at home and we already face quite the pressure without them adding anything to our plate, if I may use the pun.

Dana Al Rashid

32 Another problem is that we mostly bond and socialize around food. While this can create a joyful atmosphere and lead to intimate bonding, it can also create a very unhealthy relationship with food, making it a favorite past-time especially for girls who are very limited in their whereabouts and what they are allowed or not allowed to do.

The ideals that were once presented in Western media are being blown out of proportion into an exaggerated, almost cartoonish ideal that is even harder to reach. In these womanly social gatherings, there is a lot of comparison and competing.

In Kuwait, huge billboards everywhere have various plastic surgery clinics advertised. Some are quite vulgar; I am personally embarrassed to think that my male relatives and colleagues are seeing them every day. High-rise towers entirely designated for plastic surgery have been mushrooming all around the country, and it is almost too easy to become a practitioner. There have been mortifying cases of plastic surgery gone wrong, where the patient suffers dire, permanent consequences. But these stories barely get any media coverage, simply because they want to keep this lucrative business going, such is the case worldwide.

It is no wonder that eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders are a silent epidemic, festering away at young girls in particular, and implicitly encouraged by the society around us. What makes it more problematic is that there is still a stigma around any psychological disorder or mental illness in the region. You are instantly labelled as “insane� and asked Dana Al Rashid

33 to simply tough it out. Therefore, many people would rather suffer in silence.

We direly need to import a refined Body Positivity movement and make regional adjustments to better suit our society and culture, all while learning from the shortcomings it has faced in the West.

Let us take that first step together.

references (reference: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/media-eating-disorders )

Dana Al Rashid

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Contributors Razan is an architecture student, aspiring artist, and advocate for mental health, using herself and her art as her main means of expression and vocation.

Dana Al Rashid is a writer and artist from Kuwait. She writes in Al Jarida newspaper and has also published a few English poems and articles in various magazines. In her blog: “Reflecting Moon”, more intimate poetry and articles can be found.

Fatmah Al-Qadfan is a drama therapist. She currently works in Kuwait with clients with eating disorders, trauma, anxiety, and depression. She loves dark chocolate and rainy days.

Her cat is in charge of everything.

Under her pen name ‘Zaina’, the poet behind ‘Once Upon A Time’ is a 16-year-old Emirati girl who is an advocate for mental health awareness, and is on her journey to recovery.

She uses poetry as a tool to shed light on controversial or taboo topics in a conservative society.

Yasmeen is a 16-year-old whose aspiration in life is to love herself. She loves to write, draw, and help others. Other hobbies of hers include sleeping and playing with her cat. @daloo3azine @unoothamag www.unootha.com // contact@unootha.com founded, edited and designed by @wtfa6ma

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Acknowledgements Gratitude must first be expressed towards all of the creatives who took the time to contribute to the first issue of Daloo3a. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest, for sharing your story, for speaking your truth. The world needs to hear it.

To Rouda, for being my biggest support system (and biggest fan).

I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for you. I love you all my heart.

To Omar, for being the greatest editor a writer could ask for.

You’re also not horrible to be around. Thank you for making me the person I am today.

To Mariam, thank you for always giving me honest artistic advice.

Being around you makes me feel inspired. You’ve also shown me I have reasons I should love myself.

To the Unootha family, I could not ask for a better team of women to work with. Thank you for always encouraging me and for being endlessly kind.

To my Anorexia Nervosa, for not only tearing me down completely, but teaching me how to rise back up. You’ve shown me the power that I possess and taught me what it means to be alive.

Thank you.

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A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.