THIS WORK IS ALL COPYRIGHTED ITS ILLEGAL TO STEAL IT
© this is not a legit copyright but pls don’t copy my work (thanks) Unfortunately, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this (which is lame and I know) so please respect that. Also disclaimer, none of the quotes are real, there is -100 fact checking happening. Please don’t sue me @ Gandhi and everyone else that’s been potentially, ever so slightly misquoted. i
Dedication
To whom it concerns,
To my supporters,
This is a simple dedication, I won’t waste
You know who you are. You know what
your time more than I already have. This
you’ve done. I don’t hate you for doing it.
one goes to anyone that has had the
In fact, I rather appreciate it.
pleasure and misfortunate to call themselves my friend. In one or more senses, you make things worthwhile. Please continue to be my This is your one year gift of still being my
supporters. If you’re feeling brave, then
friend even after I did something really
continue to be my friends.
weird and random and somehow you all still love me. Much love always. I wish you all happiness. Good luck for your future, I wish you the best with having to deal with me. AP
Ron.
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Foreword
They always say that the second book is the hardest, and honestly, I thought it was all just ridiculous. Yet a year after the immense success of Alz Petez’ Life Hacks when I had no strong idea to run with, I realised it was true. A follow-up novel is hard. No matter how legitimate said novel is, (or isn’t). No matter how hard you try to make it look effortless, there’s always a lot of effort that goes into the work and whilst that is quite lame because I’m putting my time towards satirical how-to guides, I feel like it is worth the blood, sweat and tears put into it. I also had to do quite a bit of research because it turns out I don’t know much about being a good friend. (None of said research is referenced because this is NOT a university assignment thank you) (shoutout to WikiHow). This guide is going to show you 10 ways to maintain friendships over the years, form new ones and strengthen older ones.
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1 Text them random things at random-er times of the day
“You gotta keep your friends on their toes” – Gandhi
This is a true measure of friendship, your
why one reaches a conclusion on their
ability to discuss whatever, whenever,
preferred type of peanut butter reflects
however and for no real reason. The most
immensely on their personality. Everyone
important conversations are the ones that
needs to spice up their lives and interact
aren’t beneficial at all. These build your
with those different to them, such as a
bonds and help you to establish a
smooth Peanut Butter human being friends
friendship that could sustain the pressures
with a crunchy (ew) PB person. Hit your
of time. For example, you could discuss
friends up with the big questions at the
the merit of crunchy vs smooth peanut
early hours of the day, to see if they’re
butter. It is clear that the method how and
really worth your time and friendship.
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2 Make them feel really bad on their birthday
“We didn’t actually forget about you, it was all for the surprise party!” – Obama
This method is useful for multiple reasons.
person with a genuinely good surprise
Firstly, you don’t want them to get too
party planned. AND hopefully, you haven’t
cocky. Sure, it’s their birthday and they can
already given it away accidentally. If you
have SOME attention. But it’s not a
have screwed it up already, acknowledge
realistic portrayal of the reality, so make
that you’re a terrible friend (acceptance is
sure that you are there to gently bully them
the first step) then keep on reading to
so they can’t forget the truth. A simple way
make sure that you are able to get through
is to pretend you don’t know their birthday
this rough patch in your friendship and out
is coming up and then surprise them with
onto the grassy boundless plains (similar
a surprise party. Hopefully, you’re a good
to the parliament lawns) of the future.
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3 Be your weird self, so they are ok with their (less) weird self
“If you’re weird and you know it, clap your hands” – Joseph Stalin
Being weird has developed a bit of a
about your slightly abnormal passions
cringe-y reputation, thanks to the
such as making haul videos or listening to
self-confessed “weirdo” Jughead Jones
orchestral music for pleasure. These
from Netflix’s show Riverdale. But this isn’t
things, whilst they are weird, they are YOU
referring to “my dad is part of a gang and
and as a friend, you need to be yourself so
is currently being charged with assisting a
that you can inspire and encourage your
murder and I'm a loner and don’t have
friends to also be their weird selves.
many friends” weird, it’s more a casual sort
Though, not from personal experience, but
of weird; a variance from the norm one
it is possible that you are the weirdest
might say. I encourage you to speak out
friend in the group but don’t be alarmed.
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4 Try to connect with your friends on a deeper level
“My friends and I share a love for melodramatics and The Bachelorette” – Charles Darwin
It is easy to be a basic level of friendship.
Throughout the years many methods of
A Basic Friendship is defined as, by me, a
achieving this have become apparent. It is
friendship is mainly formed due to a need
my firm scientific belief that the strongest
i.e. you don’t have any friends in this
way of forming said Deeply Connected
tutorial and don’t want to sit by yourself for
Friendship is to bond over music. For
12 weeks so you will become friendly with
example, finding another human being that
someone who looks approachable in your
was obsessed with 5 Seconds of Summer
class. It can be hard to take a friendship
throughout middle school and is now
from this level to what psychologists (me)
deeply ashamed, instantly throws you both
call a Deeply Connected Friendship (DCP).
into a DCP due to this spiritual connection.
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5 Be their #1 fan in whatever they do
“You’re doing great sweetie” – Adolf Hitler
WikiHow lists 6 ways to be a supportive
#1 fan, supporting them through their
friend. This includes things like; giving
highs e.g. a weekend-long TV marathon or
thoughtful advice, giving space if they
their lows e.g. having to do a shit tonne of
need it, helping them with their struggles
assignments in one weekend because they
and more. Sure this sounds good, but it’s
spent the previous one binging TV. You
not good enough. If you want to be the
don’t get to question what they’re doing,
best mate possible you need to be there
you just have to support them. As a wise
100%. Friendship is a go hard or go home
person once said, there’s always going to
scenario if you’re not in it for the long haul,
be another mountain, and you have to
you’re not in it at all. You need to be their
support them up that uphill battle.
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6 Pretend you don’t know them when they’re doing weird things in public
“I came here alone, I don’t know those white people rapping loudly in a bar” – Muhammad
Even though according to Hack #5, you
themselves to the establishment. Making a
need to support your friends no matter
fool of yourself with friends can always be
what, like any rule (@maths & @languages)
a fun bonding activity. But when your
there are some exceptions. The exception
friends, not naming names, decide to blast
to this rule is when your friends are making
Kendrick Lamar’s song, Humble, and rap
a complete fool of themselves in a public
along, whilst in a respectable bar, that is
space. Now, at this point, one must make
when you pretend you don’t know them.
the decision to whether they, a) join in or b)
An easy way to do this is with body
refuse any acknowledgement of said
language, give them the cold shoulder and
friends and pretend they came by
turn your body to face away from them.
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7 Insult them daily so if you are ever genuinely nice, its more meaningful
“Surprise bitch, I actually care about you” – Abraham Lincoln
You’re talking to your friend, passing some
one day I can assure you. It also means
light banter between the two of you and
that on the rare occasion they do
you can’t think of anything nice to say? Go
something worth a compliment, if that ever
ahead and say whatever you’re thinking
happens, they’ll know you’re being a
anyway. You want to make sure you’re
genuine, honest, truthful friend and they’ll
building some impressive resilience in your
appreciate this sincerity more than
friend, that’s part of your job as their
anything else. As the ancient proverb says,
friend. Life is like a bull. Sometimes you
it is better to give someone one nice
have to catch the horns. You’re preparing
compliment than to give them ten fake
them for the future. They’ll thank you for it
compliments.
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8 Become BFFs with their parents and prefer their family members over them
“I came over to see your cool parents, not you loser” – Jesus
Meeting the parents isn’t an early stage of
over to your mate’s house with the express
most friendships. All friendships progress
purpose of visiting them. If it was possible,
at different speeds, of course, no two
and not weird, you’d probably add their
friendships are the same. But it is a
parent(s) into the group chat or call them
guarantee that everyone has that one
up for a chat. Another symptom of
friend that has the coolest parents.
preferringtheirparentitis is when the
Someone popped straight into your mind,
prospect of going to hang out with them
didn’t they? Now you don’t want to insult
becomes more exciting when they mention
your friend of course, but their parent(s)
that, unfortunately, their parent(s) will be
are THAT cool that you find yourself going
home. It’s definitely no hardship for you.
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9 Apologise even when everyone knows you’re not wrong
“Fine let’s agree to disagree then!” – Aristotle
Someone very wise once said to me,
tea. There can never be two winners in a
variety is the spice of life. That is very true.
debate so, at some point, one member of
An element of variety in one's life is their
the friendship (and it may even have to be
friendships. One can have many friends
someone who believes that they right)
that have a variety of beliefs, opinions and
needs to accept the loss; wave that white
ideals. This is A-OKAY, but sometimes
flag, claim game over, sigh with defeat or
differences in personalities can lead to
collapse on the floor crying. Any of the
clashes. These clashes lead to arguments
above methods work perfectly, but
that may involve many people debating
anything is possible as long as everyone
political topics in a kitchen over cups of
can tell you are dropping the argument.
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10 Share some wacky and funny inside jokes
“Are you even friends if you don’t stop breathing from laughing so hard?” – Albert Einstein
Inside jokes are the cogs that keep an
that you stop trying so hard to produce
intimate friendship running smoothly. They
one. A forced inside joke never ends well
are the glue that sticks the pieces of
but it is hard to describe when one knows
friendship together. Without an inside joke
an inside joke has formed. An average
between you and a friend, life can seem
singer described the feeling of realising
meaningless and your friendship can seem
that you and your friends have created a
empty. It is hard to know where to begin to
banger of an inside joke in one of her more
form an inside joke, but the scientifically
famous songs, titled Bubbly; “It starts in
proven trick is that they will appear
my toes/ And I crinkle my nose.” You too
naturally in your friendships the moment
can experience this feeling one day, friend.
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