OCTOBER 2015 Brought to you by the mind of Alyssa Wigant
THE FOURTH ISSUE Everything in this digest is original work by Alyssa Wigant. Alyssa is a college student who has a lot on her mind. She stays up late sometimes to write, hand-letter, take pictures of herself, and much more; all as a means to get feelings off of her chest. She is an artist who is facing many doubts and fears (as many do), and she is tired of being stuck. She wants a change of pace and heart, and whether you read this or not, she’s headed in that direction. Disclaimer: She uses curse words for emphasis.
October 2015 (c) Alyssa Wigant alyssarevolution.tumblr.com alyssawigant.com
A BRIEF INTRODUCTION Welcome to What I Got So Far, also known as WIG. This acronym was intentional considering my last name is Wigant, and this digest acts as a platform to share my notes on what I got so far. This is yet another one of my ongoing projects made to inspire you, but mostly to make sense of my thoughts and experiences. You can expect writing, art, photography, videos, late night thoughts, and whatever else I create within the specified month; all made for the sake of cracking the code of life and its struggles. This is about me, but take away from it what you want. My name is Alyssa Wigant and I’m tired of this rut.
REMEMBER: YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID BECAUSE THEY ARE YOURS. THEY DON’T NEED VALIDATION FROM OTHER PEOPLE TO MATTER TO YOU.
JOURNAL
YOGA MEDITATION COMMUNICATION EMPATHY SURPRISES PRACTICE NEW BEGINNINGS VULNERABILITY FRIENDSHIPS SLEEP COMPANY
Some days I don’t feel like myself. It is usually when the weather starts to change, as if my mood is parallel with the placement of the sun in the sky. As it sinks low, my heart becomes heavier. The moon tries to console, but my mind needs neither. I am detached, feeling the same pull of gravity push me away from what I need. I feel distant. Like a magnet repelling, or the moon pushing the waves, I stand away from what is meant to be close to me I feel safe, but at the same time I feel a gaping void. If I look down I might see a hole in my chest. Limbo wasn’t made to be comfortable.
GRIEF: In the midst of grief, everything else seems so trite and petty. Nothing else really seems to matter, which is understandable considering the amount of stress, overthinking, and insecurities one undergoes when grieving. While everyone grieves in their own way, I think the most constant factor in healing is time. As someone who is trying to comfort two grieving people, I need to support them but also give it time. No one heals overnight, nor am I expecting them to heal overnight. When I think back to my losses, I specifically remember the feeling of constantly being on the verge of a mental breakdown combined with the feeling of static–the feeling of nothingness. There was a void that took a long time to disintegrate. I’m not sure if they’re completely gone, but the combination of letting time work its magic and consciously doing things to distract me and make me happy helped a lot. I’ve gotten to this point today, despite my losses, by being honest with myself. I wrote everything down. I was constantly checking in. Now I’m even able to see a therapist who helps ease my stresses. We are all so capable of healing. No matter what the situation is, things will get better in time and love and support. Trust yourself. Trust in your support. You are loved–you are so loved.
I NEED TO BE HONEST WITH MYSELF AND BE TRUE TO MYSELF. WHAT DO I WANT? ONCE I KNOW WHAT I WANT, I CAN START PLANNING TO ACHIEVE THAT. I WANT FREEDOM. LIBERATION. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.
I YEARN TO CREATE SOMETHING EVERY DAY. I NEED TO DO ART FOREVER. I NEED TO TAKE FIELD NOTES. RECORD EVERYTHING. NOTICE EVERYTHING. BE CONCIOUS OF WHAT I FEEL. ACCEPT IT.
3:55 PM: I’ve been feeling off-center lately. I haven’t been as grounded as I like, I’ve been crying every night at the thought of how much work I need to do but can’t seem to accomplish, and I can’t find myself to genuinely smile. It’s been a rough week. But I’m starting to see the light again. I realized that I haven’t been centered because I haven’t been reminding myself what it means to be centered. I need to breathe, meditate, find calmness–every day. I need to establish a ritual to help me manifest the life I want. The less control I give myself, the more chaos I let in. I need to physically write in my journal, find time to draw, and create solitude for all of this manifesting to happen. I also need to stop saying “need” rather than “will”. I will make these changes, not I need to. Getting back into yoga will help a ton, too.
11:54 AM: People make mistakes–we all have. No one is perfect. When people do things we don’t agree with, then that’s it! It happened! Forgive, forget, move on, what have you. No one will be the exemplary perfect person for you. We all change, we all make mistakes, and we are allowed to every once in a while.
DECISIONS: It blows my mind that, in a few months I’ll be making some of the biggest life decisions I’ll ever have to make. There will come a point where I have to choose where I’ll be working, and where I’ll be living in order to accommodate for that career choice. Assuming I’ll have more than one option, it’s intimidating to think that, no matter what choice I make, a different lifestyle will correspond with it. I, along with my fellow peers, are on the brink of a new life. On one hand, I am extremely excited for new opportunities, but on the other hand, I’m extremely terrified. What if it doesn’t turn out the way I plan? What if I don’t get any job offers? What if I worked this hard through school for nothing? That’s impossible to answer and think about right now.
What makes you excited about life? What is it that will make you feel full, complete, and happy? Find that passion and kindle it. Let it grow and manifest it, for the universe will find a way to draw you to that place. Never stop believing in your dreams and passions.
INVOLVEMENT STARTS WITHIN. I’ve always been drawn to being part of the show, or even “behind-thescenes”. In middle school I was part of student council and ran the morning announcements. I remember attending those as a student and I then became part of the team in front of those students. In high school it was the same thing: I wanted to lead my fellow students. I was once attending monthly school masses, and then I wound up in the liturgical band running the music for the service. I was once the editor of my high school’s broadcast journalism team as the video editor, then wound up in front of the camera as a news anchor. Now, as a senior in college, I’m realizing how much I’ve been involved in here: hall council, the hackathon, creating Galentine’s Day and helping with culture fest. Im working with my school’s IT department and designing apps and graphics that are displayed at school. I’m the type of person, and I’m realizing this now, that simply needs to be involved. I want to put myself out there. I feel compelled to share whatever part of me can be useful to the cause–that’s just who I am. I am dedicated and competent. I am talented and willing to learn. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to keep this momentum going.
SOMETIMES LIFE HITS YOU IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK. DON’T LOSE FAITH. I’M CONVINCED THAT THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING WAS THAT I LOVED WHAT I DID. YOU’VE GOT TO FIND WHAT YOU LOVE. AND THAT IS AS TRUE FOR YOUR WORK AS IT IS FOR YOUR LOVERS. Steve Jobs
As I go through the pictures from my Pacific Northwest road trip with Brandon, I am overwhelmed with excitement and memories, but I noticed I wasn’t this excited or “wanderlusting” during the trip. I talked with Brandon about this and he made a good point that it’s really hard to be mindful when you’re doing something really different than what you’re used to. It’s hard to be mindful when you’re too busy being attentive to where you’re going, where you’ve been, where you’re going to stay that night. This phenomenon is really interesting to me, but it makes sense. I noticed that vacations are mostly exciting because of that unpredictability, but also equally terrifying. I’m going to try to embrace the scariness next time. The trip taught me a lot about not only road-tripping, but also finding the beauty around me. Nature is taken for granted so much, yet it is the most beautiful and timeless feature on this planet. After watching breathtaking golden Oregon sunsets and waking up to foggy rainy mornings in Washington and feeling piercing California winds from the tops of hills, I think I’ve seen enough to feel fuller than I was before the trip. There is so much to see in this world–so much. Traveling is something I want to keep doing in my life, especially in times of creative ruts and doubt. I needed this trip, and I’m hooked for new adventures.
Sometimes I don’t want to hold your hand, to be touched, to be affectionate.
Sometimes I need a break. I need time to recharge. The energy you seek is not available when it’s also being stolen from the next person. It tkaes too much out of me when I want to put myself out there on a limb, limb by limb
I start with my arms – reaching out to console for mistakes I’ve made. Then it goes to my legs. I brace myself ro run. Then it goes to my chest; the nervousness consumes me. Lastly, my heart, which makes me feel heavy.
It’s hard when I give my all because most of the time, I get taken for granted and I’m left losing a trace of who I am.
I am confused, and tired – I don’t want to hold your hand.
THANK YOU FOR READING! A new issue of WIG will publish on the first of every month.
August 2015| Issue 4