The Great Kei Tatler December 2017 by Aly Verbaan

GREAT KEI

Tatler BEACON BAY

We know where you live.

GONUBIE

he Mtentu Bridge between Durban and Coffee Bay is set to knock the Bloukrans Bridge off the pedestal of being the highest bridge in South Africa and one of the highest in the world. An essential part of the South African National Roads Agency’s (Sanral) N2 Wild Coast Toll Road project is the construction of two record-breaking megabridges over Eastern Cape rivers. One will become the highest bridge in the southern hemisphere, and the other possibly the longest cable-stayed suspension bridge in Africa. According to Sanral communication manager, Vusi Mona, the bridges will offer visual and engineering delights to citizens and tourists alike. Construction is expected to start early next year and be completed in 2021. The first mega-bridge will cross the Mtentu River just outside Xolobeni, south of Port Edward. The second will cross the Msikaba River near Lusikisiki. The Mtentu Bridge will be one of the longest main-span balanced cantilever bridges in the world, and the first of its size in South Africa. Reaching heights of around 220m, it will become the highest bridge in Africa and the entire southern hemisphere. The current highest is the Bloukrans Bridge, which has a 217m deck height. The construction of the 1,1-km-long bridge in a remote location is a major undertaking requiring specialised engineering skills and building techniques, according to Edwin Kruger, Sanral’s bridge network manager: “No South African firm has ever done a balanced cantilever bridge of this magnitude before, which is why South African tenderers have joint ventured with international firms to bring skills and expertise into the bridge’s construction.” The second mega-bridge, the Msikaba Bridge, will be 580m long. “This bridge will cross the spectacular Msikaba river gorge and will be the longest span cable-stayed suspension bridge in South Africa — and possibly Africa,” says Kruger.

CHINTSA

HAGA HAGA

DECEMBER 2017

FREE

MORGAN BAY

KEI MOUTH

KOMGA

OFFICIAL OPENING OF IXGARHA CRECHE

GUEST COLUMNIST

CHINTSA EAST BREAK

PAGE 10

PAGE 16

Dreams finally come true

PAGE

Ben Trovato — Under the Influencer

We’re all equal before the wave

Bridging the divide

ARCHITECTS’ ILLUSTRATION The 580m new Msikaba Bridge near Port St Johns is set for construction early next year.

“Cable-stayed bridges are distinct in their use of towers and cables to support the bridge deck. This single span bridge will be anchored back into rock on either side of the gorge.” The bridges form the backbone of the Wild Coast project, and is a national priority coordinated and directed by the Presidential Infrastructure Coordinating Commission. Kruger explained: “Extending from Port Edward through

Port St Johns, this section is a brand new road and without the bridges we cannot complete the highway.” The project is one of the government’s 18 Strategic Integrated Projects to support economic development and boost service delivery in South Africa’s poorest provinces, such as the Eastern Cape. One of the environmental requirements is that Sanral does not touch the unspoiled Msi-

kaba gorge at all. According to Kruger, “the cable-stayed design will ensure that the construction of the bridge will have no direct impact on the environment in the gorge”, almost 200m below. Environmental lobby groups have expressed concern related to the project’s impact on the Pondoland biome. But Sanral says it used specialist studies conducted during the environmental impact assessment (EIA) to ensure that the route avoids

the most sensitive areas of the Pondoland. In addition, rehabilitation measures include a search and rescue programme for threatened or protected flora species. A biodiversity offset agreement has also been established with the Eastern Cape Parks and Tourism Board. This is intended to ensure that the Pondoland biome is preserved for generations to come through the declaration, rehabilitation and ongoing protection of some 15 000ha of new conservation areas. According to Craig McLachlan, Sanral southern region’s project manager, “conservation measures are put in place before any work begins on the highway. Before we start any construction we will send a specialised team into the area to retrieve bulbs, succulents, and other plants that can be relocated. “We have set up nurseries that then preserve and further propagate these plants. These plants are then used for rehabilitation, and if we have an excess they will be translocated into protected areas such as the Mkambati Nature Reserve.”

[Cont. on p6]

Fill up with Confidence at Express Halt; Express FillMeises up with Confi dence Crossways; at Express Chintsa and Kei Mouth Meises Halt; Express Crossways; Chintsa and Kei Mouth

DECEMBER 2017

LETTERS

IN YOUR OPINION

You will notice that this month we have (somewhat unfortunately) had to switch to standard newspaper print paper, which is closely related to toilet paper. This is due to a number of factors: firstly, we at the GKT have to eat (and drink), but mainly due to the rapid development of having to double our circulation due to popular demand. It is indeed a case of quantity vs quality (of the paper, not the content), a decision which we did not expect to have to make so soon! The upside (and there always is one) is that the new paper is more eco-friendly, and can be used to line hamster cages and wash windows, due to its higher absorbency. We trust you understand the predicament!

Entitled to my view

EDITOR Aly Verbaan CONTACT 060 700 0542 aly@thegreatkeitatler.co.za

ADVERTISING Duane Botha CONTACT 063 743 9463 ads@thegreatkeitatler.co.za

Regarding your recent article (TGKT: Throwing caution to the wind?; p1, November 1) on the proposed Haga Haga wind farm, I feel the answer is not necessarily blowing in the wind. Whilst it is — sadly — true that established forms of energy production have some negative environmental impacts, are wind farms as clean, green, cheap and friendly as they are portrayed to be? When they are not working they draw from the grid to maintain their electronic functions. Around here the wind is highly fluctuating and unpredictable. And it seems to me that the groundwork required for construction and maintenance would be highly invasive in this very hilly, river-cut terrain. Then there is the high visual impact. Is the Wild Coast, beloved for its natural beauty and “wildness”, the right place for these gigantic machines? Especially given that tourism is a mainstay here. It is no secret that participating landowners are paid handsomely. How come? Would this be necessary if these things were not so prominent? And is it fair for participating landowners to inflict the sight and sound of wind turbines on nonbenefitting neighbours? In my opinion, if you can see any part

of that turbine, you should be getting a proportionate part of the money! Some folk find wind turbines beautiful. Well, each to his own, but I don’t want them in my backyard — and neither do millions of other people worldwide who have dreamed of living “away from it all” — only to find themselves amidst turbines regardless. It is true that Eskom’s performance has been dismal, but are wind farms the only answer? What about fixing Eskom? Even if wind turbines are the way to go, there is simply not enough legislative control on their placement. The Public Participation Process and Environmental Impact Assessment are in my opinion mere window-dressing. Other factors will shape the outcome of this proposal, not local opinion. I believe that residents everywhere are insufficiently protected by current legislation. I encourage readers to go online and become informed. See, for example, wind-watch.org and windpoint.co.za Thank you for a most interesting and well-written newspaper! — Connie Oosthuizen Haga Haga.

Refuse and recycling update To all the residents of Morgan Bay and Kei Mouth, we would like to say a big thank you to you all for all your support with the recycling project we are establishing in our two villages [TGKT; Hope for Kei Mouth dump site, November, p5]. With the holidays coming up, I thought it was time for an update and reminder of the process. Household collection of waste remain the same, namely: Place all your non-recyclable material in a black bag. Place recyclable material — paper, plastic, cans, (rinsed but not wet) in to a green or yellow (or any other colour) bag. Put both bags out on collection days and the municipality will collect them and take the bags to our transfer station, where the recyclable material will be sorted into specific categories by waste entrepreneurs. The importance of rinsing is so as not to cause harm to those people sorting it. Our partner, DNF Waste and Environmental Services, will collect the sorted recyclables and pay the entrepreneur. It’s a win-win situation! Glass recycling bins will be placed around the villages and all your glass can be placed in these bins. The money gener-

Komga cows More mining info needed

INTERN CONTACT

Sipho Sigege 066 333 1065

I have been living in Komga for nearly two years now and love the pretty village with its stunning gardens. The village people are warm and friendly and very helpful, too! I love living here and would like to become involved in village activities soon. My first project will be to try to stop the village cattle from coming in to town and poohing all over the place — on the pavements, in the streets, and eating, breaking and destroying the beautiful shrubs and plants that hang over fences and verges. Such a shame! — Barbara Hart Komga.

The media’s work is guided at all times by the public interest, understood to describe information of legitimate interest or importance to citizens. As journalists we commit ourselves to the highest standards, to maintain credibility and keep the trust of the public. This means always striving for truth, avoiding unnecessary harm, reflecting a multiplicity of voices in our coverage of events, showing a special concern for children and other vulnerable groups, exhibiting sensitivity to the cultural customs of their readers and the subjects of their reportage, and acting independently. Should you feel that we are not living up these standards or are compromising these ethics, feel free to contact the press ombudsman and lodge a complaint. We welcome all feedback.

Re your front page of October [TGKT; Kei dolerite mining outrage], I am myself outraged that Foster Sikolobo refuses to divulge his plans for Kei Mouth. We are a community, and as such, if people are making radical plans to our town, I think we should know. He is not the chief or mayor here, although he might be friends with them, and I find his attitude arrogant and infuriating!

Furthermore, we have heard of his “plans” before, but they never happened. Now he says he has the money to implement them. Is he doing something that we need, like a new hotel in Kei Mouth, or tarring roads, or is this just another of his guessing games?

— Anne Gillham Morgan Bay.

I’m seeing black

on in our broader district. Keep up the good work.

What is going on with the electricity in the Great Kei Municipality? Or, should I say, what’s not going on with it? One can understand the outages when it’s raining or lightning has struck, but what about all the other random times that we are left without power — and without explanation. Yes, I am aware that “we live in the Eastern Cape” but why can’t we rely on having the basics for which we are paying? And if the proposed wind farm goes ahead, the electricity goes into the national grid, so it won’t help us, who have to live with it.

— Sally and Pieter Haak Kiepersol Place.

— Lynne Hofmeyr Komga.

— Lihle Mbokazi Kei Mouth.

Good work — thanks, Tatler! Congratulations on your wellproduced Great Kei Tatler. We enjoy the broad coverage and interesting topics. It’s good to know what’s going

ated from these collections will be used to repair the vandalised building in the transfer station. A secure building will allow us to store and use the baling machine on site. Secondly, the funds will be used to purchase different coloured recycling bins for the school recycling project we are in the process of establishing. These bins cost R4000 each and without them the schools will not be able to collect recyclables and benefit from the funds created. Yellow bags are available from the Morgan Bay Hotel, and green bags are available from SaveMor in Kei Mouth. Pamphlets with information on what is recyclable will be available for you to put into your homes and other accommodation that you may be letting. Please ensure you have two bins in place for ease of household collection. Any queries please contact: Anne Gillham on 083 225 9850, Kathy Raven on 084 965 3949, Barry Gerber on 083 400 1703, or Cor Janse van Rensburg on 082 555 0192; email morkeigro@gmail.com or find us on Facebook.

DECEMBER 2017

gxara Village has been waiting with bated breath for their new crèche — and now, thanks to Sue WarrenSmith, Robert Hussan and the residents of Ngxara — they have it: A safe place for the toddlers to play and learn. Thursday, 2 November was the inaugural event that saw the efforts of their labour come to fruition. Sue is passionate about the education and upliftment of the future generations — and now she has made her dream — and the children’s — come true. Says Sue: “We made it! We made it! We started this endeavour in tents, but eventually the challenge was too much and we moved into the community hall while the logistics of building the crèche were finalised. But I knew that we would — when I made a decision to start an education centre for the little ones, I knew we could do it. Robert, who was a teacher back then, helped me, and we used our spare time to find sponsors for building materials.” Now, after backbreaking labour, not to mention the concomitant red tape, Ngxara Crèche is ready-set-go. At the opening, the crèche was dubbed ”Siyazama”, meaning “we are trying as hard as we can!” The crèche was created by the community, with no help from the government, and has been a vision of Sue Warren-Smith for as long as 50 years! “It was a challenge finding sponsors and volunteers and helpers who understand the importance of educating the future generation. “Of course, I didn’t manage this all on my own — good heavens, no! Robyn Hewson, a teacher, dragged me off to workshops, and encouraged me all the way. “And then there was Pep Saunders, who helped with the fundraising and Christmas parties for the kids, where we raised money too. “Debbie van Rensburg helped me with the social media, so we had a lot of help.” There are currently 47 toddlers at Ngxara Crèche, and it is a fulltime job for the principal Eunice Dywashu and teacher Ivy Nongqayi. Says Eunice: “They understand this is their place now — parents must get involved and keep it running. I want to see engineering and lawyers and businesspeople come from this area!”

Ngxara Crèche brings hope for the next generation by Aly Verbaan and Sipho Sigege

NEW GENERATION Minentle Xolo is getting a good start.

ALL SYSTEMS GO! Teacher Ivy Nongqqayi, principal Eunice Dywashu, and Sue

THE FUTURE Aphesona Jamani

ATTENTIVE Ilungelo Komani

Warren-Smith do the honours.

EXCITED Lungelo Xolo

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS! Said Sue Warren-Smith: “The day dawned and what a peach of a day it was. Umbrellas were erected and the people started arriving in true African spirit— festive, colourful, and vibrant. Sipho Sigege, an intern at The Great Kei Tatler was introduced to recite a poem. This quiet, unassuming young man preformed and recited a poem in his mother tongue with great passion. He then spoke to the parents and children of his message of capturing the essence of what the crèche is all about: a sustainable facility to educate the children of the village in Morgan Bay. He wowed the crowd with his rendition and was duly applauded. We wish him great success in his new venture, in his studies and improving and extending himself.” Photos by Sipho Sigege

The

Green Lantern DOLPHIN VIEW

COMMUNITY

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SECOND NATURE We go out on a limb for you

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DECEMBER 2017

CULTURE

‘What happens on the Mountain, stays on the Mountain’ by Sipho Sigege

t is once again that time of year for the controversial, and sometimes illegal, ulwaluko, more commonly known as ritual circumcision of Xhosa boys. This culture marks the transition from man to boy, and is an ancient rite in Xhosa culture. It involves the partial or complete removal of the man’s foreskin as he arrives at the boma. In times gone by, circumcision was performed under the full moon of June, but now, with mass migration across the country, many important rituals have been shifted to December, when people are on leave and with their families. This ritual is so laden with meaning that an adult man who has been circumcised might described himself as “having four ‘izilimela”’, as opposed to stating his chronological age (ie. the number of years that have passed since he was initiated.) Ulwaluko was traditionally intended to be a kind of teaching institution to prepare young males for the responsibilities of manhood. Therefore, initiates are called abakhwetha in isiXhosa: aba means a group, and kwetha means to learn. Due to the law of consent and the passing of the Children’s Act of 2005, ulwaluko is now regulated by government and no child is permitted to be circumcised — legally, a boy must be 18 years old to partake in islimela. The months beforehand are filled with deprivation: no junk food, no fish or any meat organs, and certainly no pubs or social gatherings. This is to keep the candidate out of fights and minimise all contact with girls — sex is an absolute no-no. There must at all times be a trusted man along to keep an eye on the initiate-to-be to keep track of his every movement. Besides any other moral or medical issues with the concept of ulwaluko, there is its economic kicker: each initiate is required to spend between R15 000 and R20 000 for three goats (R1 500 each), two blankets (R300 each), formal clothes (R4 500), shoes (R3 000), as well as to pay the traditional practitioner his fee of R500, plus the prerequisite quantities of alcohol for all for the afterparty. People who simply cannot afford these expenses often have illegal circumcisions performed by someone with little experience and in unclean facilities. Obviously cleanliness is paramount, but sadly, these regulations are often not thorough enough even in hospitals, much less in villages, whicn canleading to infection, septicaemia and death. Over the last decade, 1000 initiatives in this province alone have died due to botched ulwaluko, with countless losing their genitalia. Three days before D-Day, the boy is given a stick as a shield, and he and the other initiates

IT’S CIRCUMCISION TIME — ONE HOPES FOR FEWER FATALITIES THAN IN JULY

BOYS TO MEN Abakhwetha (initiates), wrapped in nontolo blankets, waiting for the day they become men. Below, the deed done, they may now wear men’s smart clothes. Photos: supplied

sing “umnguyo” to their relatives and tell them they are going for circumcision. When the day dawns, a white goat is slaughtered for the ukugcama, a sacrifice believed to convey blessings. The boy’s hair is shaved and burned to prevent birds from building nests with it. The time of ritual purification is characterised by prescribed diets like undercooked mielies. The boy-to-become-the-man is painted with mud and gets little sleep as he must ensure the fire does not burn out during the night. After seven days a second white goat is slaughtered and the initiate is allowed to eat meat. Any women who have ever given birth are strictly excluded: if a boy’s mother visits him, the boy will be egged on to kill her. Only men may visit and advise about manhood. During the ritual process the traditional surgeon (ingcibi) severs the foreskin using an assagai (sharp knife), after which he says, “You are a man!” The initiate shouts in reply, “Ndiyindoda!” (“I am a man!”). The foreskin is then swallowed or buried, due to ancestral beliefs. A period of seclusion of about one month follows and is divided into two phases. During the first eight days, the initiates are confined to a hut, and certain foods are restricted. This phase culminates in the ukonjiswa (goat braai) rite, during which the food ban is lifted, marking the transition to the second phase, which lasts a further two or three weeks. During these phases the initiates are looked after by the

ikhankatha (traditional attendants). Conclusion of the ulwaluko period of seclusion is marked by the “new men” racing down to the river to wash themselves. The huts and the initiates’ possessions are burnt. Each initiate receives a new blanket and is now called ikrwala (singular) which means new man, or amakrwala (plural). At least 1 000 initiates have died from complications resulting from the ritual since 1995. Again, it is not only the surgical side of the tradition that is cause for concern. Boys may go through initia-

tion simply to obtain a permit to drink alcohol in front of and with the elders. Says an initiate of 17 izimela: “Often we have seen these boys change from polite and well behaved boys into abusive, violent, drunken young men. My cousin came back from initiation severely beaten, and a friend so badly beaten that he couldn’t walk for months. A neighbour’s son came back permanently mentally disturbed by what he had experienced. “I am angry at the complacency of our men and the silence of our women in the face of this

horror. So many young mothers are appalled by the prospect of their sons being circumcised, yet they tell me they feel powerless to stop it.” By contrast, female genital mutilation (FGM) is now outlawed in 18 countries, including South Africa. An estimated 140 million women worldwide have suffered FGM, and about three million girls and women continue to be mutilated every year. As awareness spreads and opposition grows attitudes are changing. A spotlight is being directed on the shame and secrecy surrounding FGM, and more and more people are starting to appreciate that there are no developmental, religious or health reasons to mutilate any girl or woman. It must be appreciated that cultures evolve, and we must leave harmful practices behind. Can we really say that if we decided to stop the circumcision of our boys we would lose our essential sense of identity as black South Africans? If we have banned the genital butchery of girls, why do we allow it for boys? The ancient ritual of ulwaluko is still perceived as relevant by many young Xhosa men. Many are emotionally attached and find cultural significance in the ritual. It is perceived that the mortality and morbidity that is connected to ulwaluko is not significant enough to abolish the Male circumcision is accessible in the hospital/clinical setting; however, this option has not replaced ulwaluko “as it does not equate to the cultural meaning of ulwaluko beyond the removal of the foreskin”. [www.magazine.africageographic.com/weekly/issue-48/ xhosa-circumcision-ritual-southafrica-its-hard-to-be-a-man]

• It is considered bad luck to talk about ulwaluko to women, children or outsiders, but fortunately my ancestors can’t read — Sipho

DECEMBER 2017

NEWS

Fourteen toilets between 3 000 — is that going to be enough?

IT’S A START, BUT NOT NEARLY SUFFICIENT by Sipho Sigege

magine that you don’t have your own toilet; you have to go to your neighbour when in need in the middle of the night. Imagine your child doing the same over a weekend when people are drinking and sharing these toilets with your child. Face it: it isn’t safe. With residents having pleaded for more toilets and electricity for more than a year, the Great Kei Municipality (GKM) last month unveiled 14 communal toilets in the Ngxara village in Morgan Bay. Promises upon promises had been made by the district municipality, until early in 2016 desperate residents organised a march that closed the R349, expressing their feelings about this poor service delivery. Mayor of the GKM, Loyiso Tshetsha, said he had done all he could to provide these toilets. “Building communal toilets here is the first of many services to be delivered in this community. As you all know, we have been given the power by the govern-

REALLY? People know how to wash their hands.

ment, but we lack the finances to get everything done. “Every phase has its own budget which we use on specific things that are on that budget. We, as the municipality, work under the rules of the government — we cannot simply do as we please.” A Ngxara resident, who asked to be kept anonymous, pointed out that 14 toilets are not enough for a community of 99 RDP houses and over a 150 shacks: “Each and every house should have its own toilet. These are really basic

necessities. It is not easy to go to someone to ask for a key when you want to use a bathroom in the middle of the night. “It’s just not good enough; we vote every time when asked to, but when we ask for something we are told about budgets. We are grateful for these new toilets, but more needs to be done.” Some were convinced when the mayor explained that this issue will be on the next budget. Said the anonymous resident: “The outcome of the current toilets will show that they are a start, but not a long-term solution.” Mandisa Jim of the Water and Sanitation Department demonstrated how to use toilets and wash hands. Irritated residents said, “We all know how to go to the toilet and wash our hands — we are not stupid!” By later in the same month, problems had already arisen, due to the sheer number of people using the toilets. At the time of going to print, two toilets were already clogged and didn’t flush.

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BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE Mayor Loyiso Tshetsha of the GKM and Executive mayor of Amathole District Municipality, Councillor Nomfusi Winnie Nxawe, were at the presentation of 14 new toilets to the community of Ngxara.

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DECEMBER 2017

NEWS

New N2: Big promises made

WRECKED Two men were severely injured in this accident.

Photo by Duane Botha

Morgan Bay man injured in horror smash on R349 by Aly Verbaan

careless U-turn in broad A daylight on Tuesday, 28 November, left two men critically

injured. While details were extremely sketchy at the time of going to print because provincial police media liaison did not respond to phone calls or messages, it is known that Shane Malcomess, a paraplegic from Morgan Bay, suffered a ruptured spleen due

to the severity of the impact. Malcomess said he could not stop in time to avoid T-boning the Toyota doing the U-turn. The accident happened at the Haga Haga turnoff on the R349. It is thought that the female passenger in the Toyota died later that day, but police refused to confirm or deny this. Dynamic Emergency Medical Services were on the scene quickly, and the woman had to be extracted from the Toyota with the jaws of life.

Also due to the unresponsiveness of the SAPS, and their refusal to confirm anything, we report here that a teenage boy drowned in the Chintsa East lagoon this week, but have no further information at this time.

According to Kruger, sidewalks will be constructed on each side of the bridges and view sites off the bridges will provide special viewing points. The sidewalks will also connect communities on either side of the gorges. “The Msikaba and Mtentu bridges will become tourist attractions in their own right, and will offer opportunities for the associated tourism industry in the area,” says Kruger. It is hoped that the Mtentu and Msikaba bridges and the overall upgrading of the N2 will play a vital role in improving travel time, connecting previously divided communities in the region and opening up the Wild Coast’s opportunities for eco-tourism, adventure tourism and community-based tourism. The road will also connect the Wild Coast to the broader economy, says McLachlan: “By improving the travel time between Durban and East London by up to three hours for heavy freight and by providing a high mobility route through an area that is currently extremely isolated and under-served by road infrastructure, the route will have significant social and economic benefits and will act as a catalyst for development.” Kruger added that the labour requirements of the project mean jobs will be created in the local community.

“Since both bridges have a large concrete component, labour will be needed for fixing steel and placing the concrete for the bridges. Semi-skilled and unskilled labour will be sourced locally. As part of Sanral’s small, medium and micro-enterprise (SMME) development programme, local small businesses will be given the skills needed to join the project’s development. This will be in the form of full learnerships focusing on road construction and business skills. According to Mona, over R15, bn will be spent on SMMEs during the construction phase. Sanral has promised to create an estimated 50 000 direct and indirect jobs locally and regionally during and after construction. The tender for the construction of the Mtentu Bridge was awarded to Aveng Strabag Joint Venture at the end of August, and construction is set to begin early in the new year. The tendering process of the Msikaba Bridge is currently under way and appointments are expected to be made in the middle of next year. At the same time, Sanral will also be tendering and constructing 112km of roads, seven additional bridges and a number of interchanges that form the Greenfields section (in East London) of the future N2 Wild Coast Toll Road. — Aly Verbaan

Sanral has promised to create an estimated 50 000 direct and indirect jobs

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DECEMBER 2017

NEWS

EMERGENCY NUMBERS GONUBIE SAPS Ambulance NSRI Intercare Clinic

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the summer heat by heading for the beach. But, with a slew of tragic stories about holidaymakers getting in trouble in the water, what are the best ways to stay safe in the sea? NSRI national spokesperson Andrew Ingram told the GKT that the two biggest contributing factors to swimming fatalities are swimming at beaches where

there are no lifeguards, and secondly, swimming under the influence of alcohol. Says Ingram: “Alcohol and water don’t mix in this case. Drunk swimming is a massive problem. We need to tackle this as aggressively as we do with wearing seatbelts when driving, for example.” Ingram went on to explain: “The best way to help someone in trouble at sea — after calling the NSRI — is to get any kind of flotation device to them, with-

out putting yourself in danger as well. Surfboards, boogie-boards, or any inflatable beach toy can save lives. If you are caught in a rip current yourself, let it take you to the backline while swimming parallel to the shore. Don’t fight the current — you will just exhaust yourself. Watch this video with your family before hitting the beaches: www.nsri.org.za/2017/01/ beware-of-rip-currents/

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VIEWS

Comment It’s a scene repeated in bars across South Africa every day and night: A man saunters into the establishment, tosses his car keys on the counter and starts drinking an alcoholic beverage. He’s parked his car in a space nearby, and will be driving it within a few hours. In South Africa, driving after consuming just two beers is illegal, but this isn’t deterring the nation’s millions of dedicated drunk drivers. South Africa has a great culture of drinking and driving; people seem to think it is their right. There is a culture of being proud of being so drunk you can’t remember where you parked your car or how you got home and with whom. According to the World Health Organisation’s Global (WHO) Report on Road Safety last year, South Africa has the highest rate of alcohol-related road deaths in the world. Using data provided by the government, the WHO report says alcohol is a factor in almost 60 percent of all road deaths in the country. The WHO says laws to prevent drink driving are poorly enforced in South Africa and gives the country a score of four out of 10 for this aspect in its report. Howard Dembovsky, chairperson of the Justice Project, an NGO that monitors South Africa’s traffic sector and road laws says police are simply not doing enough: “There is a lot of lip service saying, ‘We want to stop it’ and yet they’re not using internationally accepted best practices in stopping it, like testing 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year and not just at Christmas or Easter time.” According to Justice Project research, only six percent of the thousands of people arrested annually for allegedly driving under the influence of alcohol are ever convicted. Dembovsky says this is because of factors like botched investigations and police corruption, with officers accepting bribes from suspects and their relatives to “lose the docket” and “squash the case” so that it never gets to court. In the rare cases that drunk drivers are convicted, says Caro Smit, director of South Africans Against Drunk Driving (SADD), the results are mostly disappointing, and even motorists who have injured and killed people escape long jail sentences — think Molemo “Jub Jub” Maarohanye, who was released earlier this year after serving just four years for killing four people. A year per person? Smit believes there would be much less drunk driving in South Africa if it became stigmatised, as in Australia, for example. Twenty years ago, she says, many Australians didn’t think driving under the influence was a crime. Then the Australian government ordered the police to test people at all hours of the day and night, and to take strong action against drunk drivers, like confiscating their licences. Since 1997, the Australian authorities have tested tens of millions of motorists for driving under the influence, and arrests for the offense are relatively rare in comparison with the past. Perhaps more meaningfully, says Smit, is that Australia now has a road death ratio of less than five people per 100 000, down from almost 10 in 1997. Australia’s road accident death toll was just over 1 200 last year — less than one-tenth of the number who died on South African roads. Smit urges South Africa to follow the same path as Australia. But, as Dembovsky says, “There’s no sign of this happening anytime soon, and the “slaughter” on South African roads because of driving under the influence will continue for the foreseeable future, and especially during holiday periods — such as the one we are about to face.

You are my angel, my smile keeper Welcome to the world little one You are in a world of sadness instead of joy You are in the world of many ways to bad and good Your father will help you choose I will never let you down! Many children are born and thrown in dustbins I will hold you until death do us apart Many children have fathers You don’t have one — you have superhero Just as I don’t have a child but an angel

DECEMBER 2017

To my angel

MR POET

Grow little one for so much is awaiting for you Education is the key to everything If you have one, Lilo, you have everything baby You have a long journey, but I’ll be by your side When you get to the point where you wish you could die I’ll be there to remind you that I’ve been there too I will guide and protect you with my life, little angel I will be the father I never had I will be larger than life to you.

WINNER! Well- known local photographer GARETH YEARSLEY is this month’s photo competition winner with this hairy close-up of an African baboon spider. These spiders are often incorrectly referred to as tarantulas, a name usurped by the American species from the European wolf spider (family Lycosidae) Lycosa tarantula. These harmless giants are often negatively portrayed as villainous monsters especially in the movie industry. They are not dangerous to man although they can inflict a painful bite. Gareth wins a meal on the house at The Green Lantern in Kei Mouth! [Submit your competition pictures to aly@thegreatkeitatler.co.za to win.]

As long as no one is offended it’s all okay

t is becoming increasingly difficult to describe a person without insulting them. And if not them, then someone else. Offence is taken when none was even imagined, let alone intended. We know we are not permitted to say someone is fat, or short, or gray, or hairy, or bald, or retarded. The list goes on. They are well structured, vertically challenged, dusky blonde or follicularly endowed or mentally deprived. Even if they have no limbs, they are merely appendage challenged. If someone has the IQ of a peanut, they have been mentally shortchanged. I have probably just raised the ire of the Friends of the Peanuts. Personally, I think we do ourselves a grave injustice by being so PC that no amount of description can give a vaguely accurate account of who someone is or what difficulties they may face. This sycophantic over-politeness has serious practical drawbacks in everyday life. Imagine the conversation one has with the police who are trying to catch a criminal and would like the public’s assistance. “We are looking for a short (can’t say that), black (definitely can’t say that), Congolese (out of the question),man (should we be allowed to be that sexist?).” If it is racist to describe the culprit (or, for that matter, the victim) as black, white, coloured or green, then it is surely sexist to say he was a man, although in

ALYWAYS most cases this can be taken as a given. (Oops, I did it again.) This kind of personal opinion, or prejudice, depending on which side of the very fine line you’re balancing on, is simply not acceptable in this rainbow nation we live in where we can’t mention any colours. Why is the headline: “Shop owner robbed by two women” okay in that case? Imagine if it said, “Shop robbed by two toothless coloureds”. Hello 1985. And soon it will be ageist to say the assailant was young, middle-aged or old. In fact, it already is. I recently mentioned that the main character in an article I was writing was “elderly”.

Suffice it to say, the 77-year-old subject was rather “youthful” in her telephonic abuse of me after she’d read the piece. The only people who are happy with being labelled are gays. And, with the law finally turning their way, they’re getting happier all the time. Gay people not only don’t want to be called “differently oriented”. They want people to know that, if they would only try it, they would find that gay is better. I recently witnessed a march where hundreds of gay people running around in fishnet stockings (and some in kortbroeke and veldskoene) were proudly brandishing placards that read, “I was a teenage heterosexual” and “Bent is best”. They didn’t care about being equal — they were fabulously better than us boring old heteros. Despite this, unless you are writing for Die Son or The Voice, you cannot use the word gay in an article. The upshot of all this PCness is that, one day soon, I predict that at the end of a crime report on some gruesome mass murder, it will say the police are looking for a person of no particular race or colour, religion, size, height or gender. “Anyone who can identify such a person should contact Inspector so-and-so.” I wish him (or her) luck. But heaven forbid anyone should be offended. [PS. Please note that some of my best friends are short, bald, black and gay.]

DECEMBER 2017

NEWS

Haga Haga assisting Soto rehab centre

by Sipho Sigege

t is often very difficult for disabled people to find employment, and many are abused and oppressed silently in their villages. The families of many disabled people misuse their grants, and some do nothing for the person for whom the money is intended, using it for their own purposes instead. This, according to Amos Mzimeli of Soto Village, who is himself disabled and in wheelchair after a permanent injury to his spine during rugby game. Amos was playing for his school and for his local team — Moonlight RFC — back in the Nineties. Amos relates, “I never imagined myself in a wheelchair, but now that I am here, creating opportunities for other people with disabilities, I have no regrets about my accident. I am still a rugby fan. I was only 18 when I slipped and broke my spinal cord in a game. It was found that I have quadriplegia, which is a muscle weakness affecting all four limbs. With the help of the hospital and the Rugby Player Fund, my arms can move and I can speak although I’m still disabled.” Amos persevered and went back to high school and then got a diploma in management skills and bookkeeping. “After seeing what we are going through in our communities, I came up with the idea of starting a programme to help disabled

DETERMINED Lulama Twani and Nozabo Lelele proudly display their learning guides and certificates for their tertiary education qualifications.

FIRST UP! Nosicelo Kogina took up the challenge of going first in the new cornhole game. Photos by Sipho Sigege

people take care of themselves.” The centre started in 2013, and is a registered nonprofit organisation (NPO). It has 138 beneficiaries and caregivers. But still Amos found he needed more sponsors to grow the programme and accommodate different types of disability. The centre currently caters for 136 people who suffer from blindness, deafness, epilepsy, mental illness, chronic physical illness and intellectual disabilities, to name but a few. The aim is to help disabled people get a proper education with the help of services like Sector Education and Training Authorities (SETA) bursaries. Says Amos: “We also have a strong music choir and I get them to play sport too, in as much as they can. Some students are entrepreneurs and their businesses are already registered. They do bead work, gardening and computer literacy. After asking for help from the Great Kei Municipality (GKM), the centre will soon have its own space to work in, instead of borrowing the community hall When The Great Kei Tatler visited the centre, Connie Oosthuizen from the Haga Haga Ladies’ Club had brought along a game to add some fun to the learning process, as well as to develop hand-eye coordination. The game — called corn-hole — was constructed by former educator and current Marsh Strand resident Mike Keth. Popular in the USA, the game requires a small bag of dried corn

LOCAL HERO Amos Mzimeli

to be thrown into a hole some 20 feet away — it’s harder than it sounds! At first people were hesitant to play but soon were participating, laughing and cheering. Says Connie: “The idea of the game is to give these people a chance to have fun in between the learning and development programmes. We aim to introduce a game called goal-ball next, a team sport designed specifically for blind athletes, originally devised in 1946 as a means of assisting the rehabilitation of visually impaired World War II veterans. It will cost around R3 500, so that’s our next fund-raising target.” Next year, with the help of communities, Amos hopes to incorporate disabled children in to the programme as well. “I won’t rest until disabled people get what they need and are able to help themselves.”

DECEMBER 2017

GUEST COLUMNIST

Under the influencer

recently turned down a job paying R10 000.

Saying no to the equivalent of fifty cases of beer made me so ill that I couldn’t get out of bed for three days. I need not even have spent it all on beer. I could have been clever and bought 25 cases, a hundred chicken burgers and an AK-47 from Temba at the garage. It would have been the best weekend of my life. Ten grand is a not an insubstantial sum of money for someone with very little chance of ever making it onto the Gupta’s list of preferred supplicants and liars. I expect you’re thinking it must have been a pretty horrendous job for me to turn it down. After all, everyone knows my standards are lower than the prospects of Jacob Zuma ever standing trial. Right? That’s what I thought, too. Until this job came up, I believed there was nothing I wouldn’t do for money. The fact that I have very little of it today is only because my spirit animal is a sloth. If I wanted this money, I would have had to agree to become something called an influencer. You might have heard of them. They walk among us. An influencer is someone who the marketing industry thinks has enough social media clout to influence consumers to buy specific products or brands. Durban resident Makhosini is one of them. He has 25 000 followers on Instagram and is apparently a popular influencer in the field of fashion. His mom says he likes to have a say in his look for the day. Fair enough. You’d expect nothing less if you were also 18 months old. The job is timed to coincide with Christmas, an apocalyptic festival of compulsive buying and selling culminating in ceremonial stabbings and traditional divorces. My responsibility would be to encourage people to show their appreciation for one another with poorly wrapped gifts they neither need nor deserve. It’s what Jesus would want, even though he never really got much in the way of birthday presents himself. Paul gave him a new pair of sandals for his 21st, Peter got him a rabbit for his 30th – it was one of those joke gifts that require a miracle to stop them from multiplying – and his mother gave him hell for disappearing for 18 years. Judas gave him a kiss when he turned 32 and that was that. From the moment we are born as beautiful, hideous tabulae rasae waiting to be ripened and ruined by nature and nurture, we begin to be influenced. One of my biggest influences has been beer. Thank you, beer. You changed my life. However, for me to agree to be an influencer in the diabolical world of commerce, I would first have to sign up to the world’s most powerful religion, Capitalism. We’re all members, of course. I just don’t visit that church very much these days. Call me lapsed. If you’re selling something, don’t

by Ben Trovato

Ben Trovato is working on many things, but mainly on a way to spend winters in Durban and summers in Cape Town. A print journalist and television producer by trade, he has travelled to hundreds of countries, slept with hundreds of women and written millions of words. Currently skating on thin ice as a columnist, he can often be found surfing instead of meeting his deadlines. He has written twelve books, although you wouldn’t think so if you had to see his living conditions. Trovato lives alone with two regrets and a hangover. call me at all. Capitalism will always be with us, thanks to the rabid zealotry of the madams, pimps, whores and johns who work tirelessly to keep those grubby wheels grinding. The madams – almost entirely male – own the shops and the means of production. The pimps are the distributors. They make sure the shit gets out there. The whores are the marketers and the advertisers. Influencers have now joined their squalid ranks. The johns, mostly female, are the customers. I’m not being sexist. Women account for 85% of all consumer purchases. Go into any department store and see for yourself. There will be two men for every ten women. One will be mumbling, “It looks lovely. You should take it.” The other will be inside a changing booth with his head in his hands. Muffled sounds of weeping are not uncommon. When I was offered the job of influencer, I asked if I could sleep on it before giving my answer. It was a typical whore move. When there’s money involved, you sleep on it. Or with it, at any rate. I really wanted the money. But I also really didn’t want to have to “share the joy of technology” with strangers whose soft, vulnerable brains I’d be expected to wash. Besides, I’m rubbish at technology and even worse at sharing. I’ve tried sharing my life with women – not necessarily all at the same time – and it has always ended in tears. Through no

fault of my own, obviously. Returning to the maladroit metaphor of capitalism as a brothel, this particular one sells mostly electronics and appliances. My job would be to try out one of their products every week over the festive season and write about it on Facebook, Twitter or any other network that ravenously devours what little time I have left on this planet, then link back to the store to encourage my “followers” and “friends” to get one for themselves. The kind of people who follow me on social media are cheap, fickle swine who’d sooner come around to my place and use my gizmo than buy their own. I would also have to take part in a photo shoot so that my image could be shared in-store as part of the campaign. A life-sized cardboard cutout of me resembling the demented love-child of Darth Vader and Voldemort standing on a Segway (only R85 000!) brandishing a cherry red Nutribullet in one hand and a Smeg blender in the other might be out of keeping with the Christmas spirit. It would terrify the kiddies, and all the moms would want me and not the merchandise for sure. Lastly, I’d have to write a product review or column for the in-house magazine. I’d end up getting sued and having to use my R10 000 fee to hire the worst lawyer in the country. And even then he might not even be able to take time off from advising the president. So that’s my dilemma. I have done things in my life of which I haven’t been terribly proud, but never for money. Hardly ever for money. Okay, there was a career in journalism, but in my defence it was the only one where drinking on the job was encouraged. This, however, was different. This I had slept on. It wasn’t even a one-night stand. I had slept on it for nearly a week. There could be no excuses down the line. Once Christmas was over and the money had been squandered, my hard-earned reputation as a man who couldn’t be bought would lie in tatters. Someone would paint a scarlet letter on my door late one night. Tattered people, destitute after failing to resist the dark magic of the influencers, would hiss “whore!” and spit at me as I passed by. On the other hand, I might be overestimating the value of integrity in these corrupt times. All I know is that when I see a journalist endorsing a product, I don’t believe anything he or she says after that. This doesn’t really apply to my situation, though. I gave up hard news – the hardest drug peddled by the profession – a few years ago. Kicked the habit cold. Never looked back. Apart from at the end of every month when a salary failed to arrive. Given what I do now, plausibility is superfluous to requirements. In fact, it’s more of a hindrance than anything. I should’ve taken the money. I was a damn fool.

16 & 17TH DECEMBER

EVERY MONDAY EVERY TUESDAY EVERY FRIDAY EVERY SATURDAY WEDNESDAY 6TH THURSDAY 7TH FRIDAY8TH WEDNESDAY13TH

ASIAN DINNER KARAOKE POTJIE HAWAIAN BEACH PARTY HOUSE PARTY CUBA PARTY PICNIC & BRAAI 80s ROCK PARTY

OUT & ABOUT

DECEMBER 2017

TEA IN THE TREES

SATURDAY, 4 NOVEMBER was a night of fireworks and fireart at Tea in the Trees in Chintsa.Well over 200 revellers and families indulged in food stalls, games, fire demonstration with the pros, followed by a spectacular shower of fireworks that had some literally breathless! Photos by Duane Botha

FIRESTARTER Sheldon Thompson wows the crowd with his spectaclar volley of strobes. ST ELMO’S FIRE Frans van der Walt FEELING THE HEAT! Andrea RING OF FIRE Wayne Thompson wowed the crowd with his for his se- ON FIRE Frans van der Walt took gets that fireball moving! Thompson spins this flame. rial acrobatics and dazzling tricks. his chances once again! .

OPPIEPLAAS HAGA HAGA SEAFOOD EXTRAVAGANZA

SUNDAY, 5 NOVEMBER drew connoisseurs of fine food and music aficionados to Oppeiplaas Haga Haga to partake of the sumptuous home-cooked cuisine and see Dalena in action in a beautiful gypsy dress. A truly delightful day gradually and reluctantly come to an end as the sun began setting. Photos by Duane Botha

BEVY OF BEAUTIES All the ladies posed bewtween the “oppie” and “plaas” banner after mounds and mouns of elegant and delectable seafood. Comment merveilleux!

KEY NOTE Violinist Dalena Mostert entertained diners with her beautiful music. Dalena is also an an advocate with the Justitia Advocates’ Chambers in East London.

HOSTS Erna, Niel & John Taljaard were on hand to cater to each and every whim and delight us with their superb cooking. Photos by Aly Verbaan

Having an event or special occasion? We are more than happy to feature your photographs, space permitting. Email them to aly@thegreatkeitatler.co.za

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DECEMBER 2017

NEWS

Hope for South Africa’s endemic Cape Parrot

ing behaviour and general movements throughout the Eastern Cape. t’s a cool, misty morning. I am sitting at The Cape parrot is typically found in the edge of an incredible indigenous Afromontane forests, like those around forest near Hogsback. It is not yet sun- Hogsback. They eat kernels of fruits from rise, and the forest is a place of stillness trees like yellowwoods, wild plums, Cape and calm. As it gets lighter, I hear birds chestnut and white stinkwoods. They rely calling. Robins, thrushes, a cuckoo. I hear heavily on majestic, old yellowwood trees another bird, its call is unmistakable…a for nesting sites, making use of existing Cape parrot! holes in the trees to lay their precious One bird flies from the forest with in- eggs and raise their young. One nest is in credible speed, shrieking as it flies over- a tree that is over 600 years old! head. It’s a flash of green, wheeling and Conserving old trees is of crucial imdiving as it descends toward a tall tree portance for the parrots and other forest nearby, landing with precision in one of birds. But deforestation, disease and the the upper-most branches. From there illegal pet trade is threatening their existit calls, stretches its wings, and waits to ence. With so few individuals left in the be joined by others. Soon, more arrive, wild, it is critical that we keep a close eye and before long, they are on their movements and making themselves seen The Cape parrot is habits to better understand and heard as they sqwaak, South Africa’s only en- how to conserve this enchirp and chatter amongst demic parrot. What’s dangered bird. more, it is listed as critithemselves. Cape parrots can travel far The Cape parrot (Poi- cally endangered, with and wide in search of food, cephalus robustus) or Lev- fewer than 2 000 indi- and have been known to aillant’s parrot, is South Af- viduals left in the wild. frequent the Wild Coast in rica’s only endemic parrot. search of exotic pecans and What’s more, it is listed as other feeding trees. critically endangered, with fewer than 2 Back in the forest, dusk is approaching. 000 individuals left in the wild. It has cap- The parrots start flying overhead again, tivated the hearts and minds of people landing in their gathering trees. Many in South Africa, and right now, a team of have come from far, feeding on fruiting dedicated conservationists is working to trees scattered among the small remainsave this species. ing pockets of indigenous forest. Some The Cape Parrot Project, based in Hogs- take off, circle overhead and land again. back in the Eastern Cape, is working eve- Some chase each other off branches, and ry day to restore its natural habitat and some sit quietly preening. understand more about this incredible, As it gets darker, the parrots leave the charismatic bird. It has been involved in gathering tree one by one, flying deeper growing and planting over 10 000 indig- into the forest to spend the night. Soon enous seedlings to provide food for the darkness descends and it is only the Cape future, and carefully monitor their nest- robin chat that can be heard.

EXPERIENCE THE BEST OF THE WILD COAST THIS DECEMBER IN HAGA HAGA • Daily Pub Meals overlooking the ocean • 23 Dec: 5, 10 and 15km trail runs—R100—8AM (prizes & giveaways) • 27 Dec: 5km Nite Race — R100—6:30PM (prizes & giveaways) • 31 Dec: New Year’s Bash (DJ Rick Earth) Tickets R50

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FAST FACTS • There are fewer than 2000 individuals left in the wild • Individuals weigh ~300 g • They are fast, skilful fliers They are longlived • They nest in hollows in old forest trees • They lay between 2 and 5 eggs • Threats include deforestation, disease, and the illegal pet trade • Cape parrots eat fruit kernels from a variety of trees such as yellowwoods • They can travel up to 100 km a day for food • They make over 30 types of calls • They occur typically in high-altitude Afromontane Forests • For a reliable place to see Cape parrots throughout the year, visit the small town of Hogsback in the Eastern Cape

If you are lucky enough to see one, or a flock, submit your sightings through citizen science apps such as BirdLasser, through Bird Atlas Project (SABAP), or directly to the Cape Parrot Project via email (hogsback@wildbirdtrust.com) or whatsapp (082 321 3302). Each and every sighting sent us is valuable. Include when and where you saw them, and roughly how many individual Cape parrots were seen. Where can I find more information? Visit our website: http://www.wildbirdtrust.com/cape-parrot-project/ How can I submit a sighting? Email the Cape Parrot Project: hogsback@wildbirdtrust.com) or message us: 082 321 3302.

DECEMBER 2017

DIARY

What’’s happening?

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

YELLOWWOOD FOREST MARKET MORGAN BAY From 09:00

16 Dec 1 at 13:00 to Dec 3 at 18:00 Eastern Cape Audio Visual Centre 2 Buffalo Street, Quigney 043 704 7540

SATURDAY

BEACON BAY ROUND TABLE YEAR-END FUNCTION

SUNDAY

HAGA HAGA COUNTRY CLUB Xmas Market at the Club. Genuine craft stalls, bacon rolls for breakfast and chicken and chips available for lunch. 08:00.

WILD COAST HORSE RIDING ADVENTURES

MOOI (PLAAS) ‘PENS DOWN’ KEI MOUTH

SATURDAY

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17:00 @ Emeraldvale

043 841 1244

MORGAN BAY From 09:00

2+9 www.wildcoasthorsebackadventures.com

YELLOWWOOD FARMERS’ MARKET

YELLOWWOOD FOREST MARKET

17:00 — 23:00

12:30 — 20:00

SATURDAY

Public · Hosted by OppiePlaas Haga Haga

22 Glen Eagles Road, Bunkers Hill

SUNDAY

EAST LONDON GOLF CLUB

043 735 1356 info@elgc.co.za

OCTOBER

SATURDAY

keibreeze@keimouth.co.za

DIARY

What’’s happening?

OCTOBER

DECEMBER 2017

TUESDAY

HAGA HAGA BEACH CLEANUP

SATURDAY

MONDAY

OCTOBER

FRIDAY

SUNDAY

MEET AT HAGA HAGA SHOP

08:30 — 12:30 Contact Carl: 083 628 8289

THE C CLUB CHINTSA

Prime Circle MONDAY 16:00 to 12:00

YELLOWWOOD FOREST MARKET MORGAN BAY From 09:00

CORNÉ & TWAKKIE: Live At The C-Club

18:30

WEDNESDAY

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TUESDAY

MONDAY

THE BUSH PIG EVENTS BAR THE C CLUB CHINTSA

The Parlotones + Lazy Days

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16:00 to 12:00

THURSDAY

The C Club CHINTSA

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WEDNESDAY THE C CLUB CHINTSA

Gangs of Ballet 14:00 to 02:00

Christmas Lunch

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FRIDAY

THE SHED

OPPIEPLAAS HAGA HAGA Mtwentwe Farm HAGA HAGA

NEW YEAR PARTY Live band Tickets essential (inc. dinner)

DECEMBER 2017

DRIVE

Can I drive your car? here’s this land of milk and honey just over this yonder field on the N2 to Qunu, hallowed ground of our man Madiba. If perchance you haven’t heard of this dustbowl, I’d be mighty surprised; in fact I’d be mighty surprised if you haven’t been hijacked there. This paradise is known as Mthatha. It stands on the banks of the Mthatha River, the name meaning “the taker”, (read that as you will) and is derived from the number of people who have been carried away by its waters in times of flood. I do so love a challenge; however the challenge was the throngs upon throngs of chicken vendors, tupperware sellers and bead beggars who assailed me in the comfort of my own car. Despite doing the speed limit (or a touch more, such was my horror), a gentleman named Philemon opened the passenger door, hopped in and started rooting through my belongings, such as they are.

Duane’s World Truth or dare: your most mortifying moment, or you have to drive through Mthatha — alone.

After several minutes of complete and involuntary incapacitation, my grade 2 white-belt karate took on a life of its own and Philemon was soon sitting in a filthstrewn sewer. I was proud. I can do this! Next in Survivor Mthatha was a clutch of street rats who ascended my roof and stayed there until Koksdtad. Who would want to go to Kokstad beats me, but they did. Pass go again. I was starting to enjoy myself — there were chickens and goats on the roof of the Pajero — we wouldn’t have had to eat each other for quite some time if we got lost, which was increasingly looking like a possibility. My GPS kept giving me entirely impossible instructions in that smug voice of hers: “Turn right here.” “Here?” This here can be nothing but a torture chamber for drug addicts, loiterers and human traffickers. “Slow down on the off-ramp in 50m,” says the voice. No, my friend, I am taking a 50m run-up, taking out all obstacles in my

way, of which there were many unidentifiables. This was Friday afternoon. Yes, laugh. Go ahead. My wheels were stolen off my swiftly moving vehicle (how is that even possible?) and said vehicle kindly placed on bricks roadside. Obviously I had to sleep in my car, because even a filth-strewn ancient Pajero is safer than any accommodation Mthatha could provide. Please, I’ve read the Lonely Planet, followed swiftly by How to Survive in the Eastern Cape. I have a panga and bribe money, as well as my will and all papers relating to my almost imminent demise. My adrenalin was pumping but, somewhat disappointingly, everyone in official uniform (and without) were very happy for some reason, and they gladly escorted me through to the N2 after I forked out a grand per tyre. I could embroider: how long is a piece of string? How big was the fish (that you didn’t catch)? But I don’t need to — this here is nothing but the truth.

DECEMBER 2017

SPORT

Surfing

Sales2@globalpromos.co.za 043 555 0555 Park Valley Farm Schafli Road

The Barefoot Cafe Chintsa Surf ChallengE

ACING IT Luke Malherbe warms up before the main event (left), and then going on to take the title (right).

Photos by Tyerell Jordaan

RESULTS

CUP FINALISTS Steve Roberts, Phillip Malherbe (4th), Nathan Wheller (3rd), Jordan Dalbock (2nd) and Luke Malherbe (1st). A big thank you from the organisers to all the sponsors: African Heartland Journeys; Andrew Malherbe (REEF SA); Buccaneers Lodge and Backpackers; Emerald Vale Brewery; The Great Kei Tatler; Henry Taylor and Ries Phillip; Inkwenkwezi Private Game Reserve; Kexin Gas; SAB Corona; and Trevor Puchert.

caressa@kexingas.co.za • 043 555 0555• Park Valley FarSchafli Road • East Coast

CUP FINAL

BOWL FINAL

1. Luke Malherbe 2. Jordan Dalbock 3. Nathan Wheller 4. Phillip Malherbe

1. Barry Delport 2. Denver Struwig 3.Meyrick Stockigt 4.Linton Lugg

SHIELD FINAL

PLATE FINAL

1. Mitch Henderson 2. Gavin Greenberg 3. Ivan Dreyer 4. Miguel DaSilva

1. Bradley Dalbock 2. Mouse Roberts 3. Kyan Lugg 4. Rob Frauenstein

Corona Surfboard Lucky Draw: Barry Delport