The Fever

THE STORY THE OF MY STORY LIFE OF MY LIFE

Chapter One: My Childhood I was born, I cried.

Chapter Two: The Rest I maintained myself. I got up, I went to work, I went home, I went to bed. I went to a restaurant, and I ate fish.

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e tratrvaetvraevlien v l l g v g I e I i tra i g a e i i g v e ’ n e t ’ l I’m a v v n n I n m m t n m v l ling lignIg’m traveli i ve r ’ l n l l i e mt itnrag ra tel avgtg Iin ng li g g i lli i I lin ttrtrara n I’m I’m ng I’m tra n e I I n ’ gI e rav g I velraingelrIa’mg I ve ’ v I’mg ’ m g veling m veIl’m m v g ’m g l a i n n a elin I ’ v r i n v i tra g ing tr m ’ i t r ’ I t n i t l tram rav trngeliI’m’m eltiram t I’m l r ve ’ e g t g a m e g I’ lin I’mav g v t t t r v v n r n v n r I v a a e a I r gI n i e v m a e a ’ i e g l r e ’ e g m a l t a v ’m tra lin l l l m r v t l i t r i e t i l i e t v t n n e I e n r I n i r a tra g v v l g r e l a ’ n v g Iintgram vetara’m g li I’m g avraav g vel g Ii’ng eling I’ ve n e n I’m i I lin r tra i t n ’ l i m l m ’ t t I l v m t n m e l v g I’ t v gI i e I I r g v r ’ trav e e g n ’ m e ’ i e v a m l ’m a m t l t v l e i I I m g r t in n ng aa rav ravlitnrve lIinve trt’rm ’m av tr tra r elin r I t a ’ r ve m g tra eliav t g l ’ l i g v g ave eli m a e a i g I’m lin i tra t e n n n I t l v v r v v a I r e i gI l n I n e ’ v I e li e l g e g n ’ g m n i a t l e ing g I m lignIging ’ t n g l l r r a l trav i e ’ g m v v i’tnI’gmaIv trI’min el m ng ling g I ’ ’ I I m m ’ ’ I e I’m tr I m ra I’t’em mt I’m m ’tm ’m trav avel ng t tra I’m tra elin ingglintr lianvetgraIi’m trgav tr ratrta vream av rav trav aveli t r el in ve g I tr t a av el ’ el r in lin in v m l t r r g I g tr l tr t v v e ng I’m av v av i v e r el a el e a i ’ i v in r g e l g a n t m tr tr t e l a av i n av l v e e r I el l el e a v t i n in i r g i a tr g tr e l v n ’ av av n l n l e v g e g el v v m a l in i r i trave i g l e tr e tr g g t av e av l g n i i n I n I el v l in i I’m ng I’m ing ’m t I’m I’m tra trav avel ng gaglIviIntrg’amg Ielriav elng ling elin inggg ttr ling I tr I I’m tra tr r avel ’ el m ’m vIe’tra’mngeli inI’ in I’m a I g ’m tratr t t’rm tr t g av e v I’m ’ r in ra t m t tra elliin v e n nnnggggg a r av el nnnggggg alvittrram i e l n i a i v v m e v l i l tr v I a v l av i e v t v l v r e i l el n r e g l i a i i t v e t i e g e g n l l r ’ l r a e tr n n i a e e i v n av i t g e m r g t g n l ling I’m lilninve en nnggg tttrrraaavvveeeglllIiii’nm vveegrl alivnave tI’m Itr traavvveeellliiinnnngg g I’ tra avneg I’m liang nnngggtggr av vvveeellliliiin tr nnnggg tttrrraaavvveeellliin l a g m I r g a a e i i i t tr e ’ l g n t r r mttrrav II’m n’m tttrrrravaaaevlviveeelli ravel egliIlinrav tr’am ’m traav e gIIliiIn t tra tttttrrrraraaaaavvvvvveeeeelllililiinininnngggggtttttrrrraraaaaavvvvvveeeeelllililiinininnngggggveling I’ lin gI n g v n ing I’ a ’ l n e t t e v e e g m e g n l g n l I i ’ g r g r m a e t velilnin tr’amtra elintttttrrrraaaaavvvvveeeeellliliiininnnggggtttttrrrraaaaavvvvveeeeellliliiininnngggg ’m n g ttr’am tra rmag It’I’linvelittrtttrrraavng I m I I m tra vel ’ v ’ g g n l g n l r t r m v a a t i i a v v t t e e i g n l g g n l g r r ’m v l n e r a a i i v I’m g Ilninga g I’ velin I’m eliav elin tttttrrrrraaaaIvvvvv’eem nnggggttttrrraaavvvveeeelllliiinnnngggg avm lritn argvgvttttrerrralram eeelllliiin t mt v rrraavveelliinngg t t iin av t r g n l r’m i el tra a e a in r g v t t r ’ t r n g e v g g n l t t v r e v I’ e n a a a a m i i v v m r liangtrI’m ravrgalvin g Ittttrrrraaavvveeeelllliiintnnnrggggattttrrrraaavvveeeelllliiinnnngggg eliavvegelliillniaingavv I’m tr I’m tr av vel tr a v eling I’m traveling I’m veeli a I’e ing av t r el ve v aaavvveelliiinngg ttv aae I v e in vvveelliiinngg a ’ tttm e e g e lvlin m v I’m r r t ienliggtrII’m n l e g e n i e t tr l a n ’ I l I av r r l l i l g n el g g a i n m r ’ in r l t e e v i l mt llliinnnggg ttrraavlvieellliinnnggg Il’m gelI’m trgavI’m traveling I’m travel ingtIn v i l g ’ e tttrrraaavvveet l i g ttrrraaavve m r a g t n l i g t ng’m r i i n r i a r n ’ v a i i t v t v e t e e n I’mtrta g n n l a g n l m r r v I a n r e a i t a i i r v v v I n t t e e t e v i in g ggg ttrraavveellliig g I’m nnnggg Iiin’mgg tr’mggIrealrna ling g I’m traveling I’mraatr ravelingg II’m trn elin rIa’mt ’m g I’m trlianvg I’m tra tttrrraaavvveeellliiinnna l e v liliinnel vveeeeav I r a i v v l I t e l v g n l g n l l g r r ’ g a a i i v v t t e e t m v ’m traavveeli g l n l g n l ve ’ming ttrIr’aamvaev trrI’’am lningg I’metlirng I’mvetling I’m a vvveelliiinngg iin gg ttre I’m trave liinnnggg ing I’m traveling I’m trav elrtiarvattttrtrrrraaaaavvvvvreeeeella vieng tttrrrraaaal llin tra tra m eling lIin I’m t g I’m travaevlielingrIavelingtravelin vvieeen r g l nnngggge evttltrrirreaaavlvveeelllilililnininiv t i vel t i e n a ttltrrriaavn l n e n g a v r r v g g g i i l t g l I I g v n n t g n g ng I’m ’m ’m e ’m avIeveraingeelilrniaan’vm a vviveenlliiinng I’m tr Ittt’trm g I’m I’m ling g I’ avneglingtrIa’m I’m rn travterli v I’mgtIr’m aveling I’m mt rrraaaag vveeIlg egltiI’m rave tra I’m t l t v I i a r v a ’m t I I’m traveetlliirn i v a I l r v g t n rave ’ t elin t g t m v ’ r a t ’ e e ’ I i n t a v e r m r r I e r m v e a a l t e ’ l t n v l ling intg I’m tlirng I’m etling I’mveling I inrga It’ tr avealve m t ravg Ie’mlin ing m t lIi’nrnm ng I’m gI Ilin’mgI’Im agrv Itr ling I’m t g I’m r ravelingav ’m t rave a tra g I v r m r a r v e i a e l v ’ i t l n n e i g a l r t a v e n ’ v l m l av I’m g avetrling rav t ’m gveI’m trianvg I’m elin ’m t m It’ra gt tIearl’am I’m travIe’m giIn’m vel g I’m l v traveeliln raveliinn elinr g I’ i v trav in el g a lintgrIa’m I e ltirn v ’m l ’ t i e i m n m i l t g g e m i v t g n g I’m traveling n n I l i r t g tra Ia g I’mingtI’mI’ntrg ra treal avnvetgetelrlIlianv tr gI’m avetrlianvgel ’m tr r g II’ ’m t aveli’m trIavgelIri’m avteIl’m I’m tr Itr’m vel a ng tIr’m ttrr g i n v ing n m avaa aveIl g r v v i n g I n r a m ’m e I’m travelin i ’m I g r v e ’m elri aii’vn e a t l a I i v mggelIi’nave I’m etrl’m lria veling I’m nign tratvelingtravetlri’m eelrliaivivneI’gm tra aveli I e I avgetIrl’m I’m nvgtIravvelin elilenlgliinInvg’gm anv’gm n ’ gtrIa’vm trn m e avg n l i i aveg r I n r n v ’m a a n l t I e n v I e t ’m m t I t I e ’m t t l tr g e li ’m l t e g r t i t av ’ r’am r ng avelingrIa’m ratrvelilnin vev traveling I’m ra ng I’m tIrl’m mvgtrIli’nmg I’m trlm etlirn I’mintrraavtvergagiIlvnieIn’m veintlgriI’n ragveIlgtiIn anver ama ’m trelainvgeling I’m I’m i lIiana vtgvrav e n g l e v g avel i e I g g ’m l l i t ’ l g r e t a g t ’ i n i r a e l I g m a i t n g i g n e t i ’ r r ’ n g IetlriaavvI’m vg evellining In raveling I’m t m trav t veliInv’ eI’lm avg ’m ettlriI agvellingg mI It’gtram I’m tratravveel ling lieniIn etrlinI n traveling I’m tra gav’g ngvI’g’mItIr’am Iliv’n ’m a ’m i ’m m g I’ m r e n I l v g i ’ t l a I’ e i v r r n m r g t i t m e m l t a n ’ m n i e g v g l r a m m I tr v n i aveling I’mtravetlinr m taIrn’vmtgerIliI’m etrlinvggeIlIl’Ii’m tratIr’mI’ g II’m r’vm I’m traveling ’tm veling I’m trngaI’vmeli gvtgertr ’rmavtatevtglreitaI’m a’ml’m anvtgeeeIllint ng tlI’irnm ’m IIr ’m r v tre n a g t ave t a i a a m r v m r a v v a a a a e e r r li v i l l v v n n v e i i e t l n r t g a n g n n v l g v t a g I’m traveling I’a itnIre g’m mgtretr e liain ntgravIeli’m Iral’m I’m velia I’m li’m aivavvvee rreeaalliivaveveleilgeinnIltgrinraa’vim nvllgigeinelIrI’ e I’m i’anm n l eli n l tlelirili vetg i ra I ’m v ti g t t n rtar v r r I tra n g a a n e v velinv v g e a n e t li n r g I’m I’m I tr t g n l trave v g n n g a r l v g g t a ling a tra n t t l I’m g I r l I v v v i e v r trave ve g I’ Irr’m ’m traveli ’m traveling I t ling I’m eI’mvenv’lgtrave g I’m I Ie’m linlin nvgteerllivIiaennvggggeiIln gtt’erm Ia I trave ling ’vm nggtr ttra I’m trave lin raavling e’im gv etrave tItrave Ie lingli im I’ ram nlin g ii’m m gnling ling g Ig’ I’m traive m gliI’m I’m I trave tr’m ling I’m ng I’m traI ’m traveling I ’m I’ t l r n n g ali l vevlin I I’m t r I tr I’m g v’em traveling mt a g ve g I’m I’m r trave ’ a ’ a l ’ t tra t i l Itr r n n e i g m I g m v l g t n l t ’m i n m e g lin e ’ a I’ ’ v traveling I’m tratraveltiranvg rIave’m m ’Itm g I’mm r eling I’m I ireggvan tr a iIna’m iv li ngg t r g I’m traverr vlinaea g n tve ge ev lil trm gvI’m n r trgavI’ma tra ling ’mg I I’vtem elin I’m traveling I’m traveling I’m traveling I’m traveling traveling velin i a e t l tr n e a v e l e ve r v tra l l li i a ve a ’ i n v t i r l lin l n I’m g traveling v r I i n n e m g e g v I’m ainlinvg I’m re’ ’m tr I’m tra ling vIe’m liitran tr I’m ve g tr angg e l in t trav l in g elin

I’m

ttrraav veellin ingg

ttrra tttrrraaaavvvveeelliin veellliinnngg inggg

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traveling traveling traveling traveling traveling traveling traveling

ttrrave ttrraavveelilinng ttrraavveelilinngg tttrrraaavvveelililinnnggg tr aveelin g ttrraavveelilinngg ttrraavveelilinngg tttrrraaavvveelililinnnggg tr aveelin g ttrraavveelilinngg ttrraavveelilinngg tttrrraaavvveelililinnnggg tr aveelin g ttrraavveelilinngg ttrraavveelilinngg tttrrraaavvveelililinnnggg tr aveelin g ttrraavveelilinngg ttrraavveelilinngg tttrrraaavvveelililinnnggg traavveelilinngg elingg

I’m t rave ling

gg linnnggg vveeelilililinnnngg ttrtrraraaaavvvveveeelili tttrrraa t

inggg veellliinnngg tttrrraaaavvvveeelliin ttrra

ttrraav veellin ingg ttrra ttrraav avveel veellin liinng ingg g ttrra ttrraav avveel veellin liinng ingg g ttrraav veellin ingg ttrraav veellin ingg ttrraav veellin ingg

ttrraa vveel liinng g ttr raav veel liinng g ttr raav veel liinng g

elilin ngg ttrraa vveeli linng g

tra tr tr tr tr aaavvveeli tr tr aaavvvveeeeelililililinnnnnggg linnggg g

veling

I’m t rave ling

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g linnggg veeelliliininng tttrrraraaaavvvveel ttr

g linngg veelliinngg ttrraraavvveeelliliininnggg t ra v e l n g t ttrraraavvveeelliliininngg t ra v e l t ttrraraavve t

g I’m travelin

g linnggg aaavvvveeeeelililililinnnnnggg tr tr aaavvveeli tr tr tr tr tra

g innggg ellliiinnng avveeelli ttrtrraraaavvve ttr

trav tr avel tr tr av elin ing tr av el in tr av el tr av el in av el in ggg el in in ggg

g I’m travelin

linnggg aaavvvveeeelilililinnnngggg tr tr aaavveeelilin tr tr tr tr trav

g eeellliiiinnnngggg ln veeli

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tttrrrraaavveel t t ttrrraaaavvvveeeelllliiiinnngg velliinnnggg ingg

I’m I tr’m I’m ’ m a t ra t I’m ve t ve tra I’m tr rlianv rave lin a g e v l g I’m t v i g I l n r e e ’ i m a l g trav n l I i I v n i ’mg ’m I tra e elin g n ’ l m ing trIa’m tI’ tr g I’m ve g trav m lin v r I a I t e elin a ’ ’m lrinav vtr vel gI m g I’m ’m tra geIl’ineliav ing trav t t r v m elin eling I ra n g I a e e ’ g ’m trav m l ve I t g I l v i ’ ’ r m m n i a l eling I trav e n t I i g v r t ’ e l ’m trav elin a g r m I ’mlinavge tI’ vel in g I’m eling I g ’m trav i t trav l m r n i I r ng avt g ’ a elin eling I m I I’m v ’ I g ’ e m I m t I ’ r t t ’ ’ m e r r m l r a m v i a a a eling I trav ng n veli l v v t I’m traveling I’m traveling I’m traveling I’mItra e i v t t g ’ e e m l r ’m traveli in n r l i t e l r n a a a I i v g I’m g ng I’m e nvgel g lin ve l i n I t g r a’vm I’m travel elingtI’m I’mttrraa ’m l I i I i t t v ing I’m tr n ng I’m traveling I’m t r ’ v n ’ a r r e v e g e m m l l l i a i n n i g g a n I g a v ’ m v I gtrIa’m ’ e v m raveling I’m traelvineglIi’m I v I t e l l t i n r ’ e i r g a t I m ’ r t n ’ v a m e a t m l l lingtr g r i ng Iv’em r n i a v I’a g m v I n ava t tr v t m e I’ e r g l e ’ in i a el n av tr v g m l m r I’ e I g ’ in i m l el g av i tr n t n l m I’ r g a g in a el v avaveling I’m traveling I’m I’m trtar lvIi I’mtrtr I’m traveling I’m nIgn’m vea l gliie tr travel ingg elin travel ingg trav aveling elin avel tr ingg trav aveling tr elin tr aveling tr trav

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trav eling

trave

and I wake up suddenly in the in silence before dawn in a strange hotel room, a poor country where myshivering.— language isn’t spoken, and I’m shaking and Why? There’s something—something is happening—far away, in a different country.

Yes, Iarticle remember.

It’s the execution.

The newspaper this would be the hour, this was the date.said Ithey catch my for breath.

Andwho so now they come— come the man lies in his cot, the cat-like man whose face is so large, so black, that the guards who open his cell are once again frightened, shaken.

They shave his a section his leg, so the electrodes willhead, fit closely on theofskin.

And now the guards lead him into thewith chamber, and he’s tied into the chair leather straps.

Hisso arms are strapped down to armrests the witnesses won’t see them move, his legs strapped to the legs of the chair— Does panic mount in the man’s heart?

Annone attendant covers hispain, head with a hood so of us will see his the horror,ofthe distortion of see his is face.

The breaking the skin!

All we the shifting upwards, slightly in the chair.body Don’t you think—when the you’re traveling in a strange country—that smells are sharp and upsetting?

And when you wake up in the middle of the night—unexpectedly— when you wake up at an oddand hour—when you’re traveling somewhere wake up in a strange place—don’t you feelyou frightened?

The lamp byturn my bed doesn’t work, theblown electric lights won’t on.

The rebels have up the electricity towers.

There’s a where small my war going on in this poor country language isn’twith spoken.

The hotelholders. rooms all have candles little candle I the get up, light the candle, take the candle into bathroom.

Then II put thedown candle in its of holder on the floor, and kneel in front the toilet and vomit.—Then I’m sitting, shivering, on the bathroom floor, thiscountry, cold square of tile on a hot night in a hot and I can’t stand up to go back to bed—I can’t stand up—so I sit there quietly, shaking as if Iofwere sitting in the snow.

And in the corner the bathroom—brown against the tile— there’s an insect, big, like a water bug—it’s flat, heavy—very tough legs, they look like metal—and it’s waiting, squatting, deciding which way to move.—And in it’s a second it’s crossed behind the sink, and slipping itself into a hole too small forAnd it toI fit in, but it fits—in—it fits—it’s gone. see myself.

I see myself. A moment of insight.

It’s the birthday party inthe thetable fancywith its restaurant.

Yes—there’s sweet and pretty decorations, the there fanciful centerpiece, pink and green, and are all the women in bright red lipstick and the men in beautiful shirts, and all the gifts— outrageous, unexpected, and funny gifts— and there are the waiters serving the salmon and pouring the wine, and there I am.

I’m talking quietly with that small, pale woman in the with red-and-blue dress about the that love affair the older man, that film disturbed her, the actress, the psychiatrist, the criminals, the walks at night through the woods in the country, the insatiable appetite for violent sex, the suffering of the people who live in desperation in the crowded shelter across the street with fromthat the fancy restaurant.

And as I talked woman in the redand-blue dress, I thought I was a person who was thinking about a party, who had so many complicated feelings about it, who liked some aspects of the party, but not others, who liked some of the people but not all of them, who liked the pink-and-green centerpiece, but didn’t really like that red-and-blue dress.

But no. No. I see it so clearly.

I seewho myself with my little fork—I wasn’t a person was thinking about who a party.

I was atable, person who was at a party, sat at the drank the wine, and ate the fish.

We didn’t talk about the fish, we didn’t talk about the restaurant, we talked about the lakes in the mountains in the north of Thailand and the crowded shelter across the street.

But where were we?

Where were we?

Not by the lakes, not in the shelter— We were there, just Well, there,maybe at thatfor table, in that restaurant.— certain people—maybe for certain peoplecentury— who lived at the beginning of the twentieth what was hidden andonly unconscious was the inner life.

Maybe the thing those people could see was thewhat outward circumstance, where they were, they did,inside and they had no idea at all of what was them.

But something’s been hidden from me, too.

Something—a part of myself—has been hidden fromonme, and I think it’s the part in that’s there the surface, what anyone the could of seea about metrain. if they saw me out world the window passing Because I know quitea astudent bit about what’s inside me.

I’ve been of my feelings since I was nine years old!

My feelings!

My thoughts!

Thethoughts incredible history of amy feelings and my could fill up dozen leather-bound books.

But the story of my life—my behaviour, my actions—that’s a slim volume, andto.I’ve never read it. Well, I’ve never wanted I’ve always thought it would be terribly boring.

What would be in it?

Chapter One:Two: My Childhood.

I was born, Imyself. cried.

Chapter The Rest: I maintained Ibed. got up, I went torestaurant, work, I went home,I went to I went to a and I ate fish.

Who cares?

For God’s sake—did I have to travel to ainpoor country where no books are printed my own language—did Iinhave to be cast down onto a bathroom floor strange hotel—in order to finally be forceda to

And I vomit again.

I BELIEVE II BELIEVE BELIEVE I BELIEVE II BELIEVE I BELIEVE BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE II BELIEVE II BELIEVE BELIEVE Dear God, BELIEVE II BELIEVE BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE what’s happening to me? I feel like there’s nothing I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE left of me. I feel like I don’t think anything—I don’t II BELIEVE BELIEVE I BELIEVE I BELIEVE remember . . . What are the things I always say?

I BELIEVE I BELIEVE I believe that there are— . . . II BELIEVE BELIEVE that—

No — now stop that. Every person is a person is a person is a person is a person is a person is a person is a every person believes certain things. My friend Bob— my friend Bob believes that “democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” And Fred—Fred believes that “today’s rebel is tomorrow’s dictator.” And Natasha believes that peasants in poor countries just want to be left alone to farm their fields in peace and quiet, and they couldn’t care less about the ideologies of the right or the left. Mario believes that social criticism in plays and films can be expressed most effectively through the use of humor. And Indrani believes that works of art, including performances of opera and ballet, can change individuals and, through them, society. And Toshiko believes that the only real contribution that people can make toward solving the problems of the world is to raise their own families with good values. And Ann-Marie believes that the rich and the poor should live as friends and should work together to make the future better than the past.

And my beliefs? Yes, yes—I have beliefs, yes—I believe in humanity, sympathy for others—I oppose cruelty and violence— W H AT ? YO U AP P L AU D C R U E LTY AN D VIOL E N C E?

No—I said I oppose cruelty and violence— Jesus Christ—oppose, oppose— B U T I CAN STI LL R E M E M B E R WHAT I LI K E − CAN ’T I ? − I F N OT WHAT I B E LI EVE. I K N OW W H AT I L I K E. I LI K E WAR MTH, COZ I N E S S, P L E A S U R E , LOVE − M AI L , P R E S E NTS − N I CE P L AT E S − T H OS E PAI NTI N G S BY MATI S S E . . .

YE S , I ’ M A N AE S TH ETE. I L I K E B EAUTY.

person is a person is a person is a pe rson is

a per son

is a

per so ni

sa

n so

pe r

is

ap

on ers

is a son per

is a pers a on is

CRUELT YCRUELTYCRUELTY CRUELTYCRUELTYCRUELTY CRUELTYCRUELTYCRUELTY CRUELTYCRUELTYCRUELTY

VIOLENCEVIOLENCE VIOLENCEVIOLENCE VIOLENCEVIOLENCE VIOLENCEVIOLENCE

We still avoid them—all of my friends. Bad neighborhoods.

The people who live in places like that would hurt you, beat you, cut you, kill you. All the ones who would hurt you collect in those neighborhoods, like water in drains. And it’s terrible. It’s awful. Why should people want to hurt each other? I always say to my friends, We should be glad to be alive. We should celebrate life.

We should understand that life is wonderful.

Shouldn’t we decorate our lives and our world as if we were having a permanent party? Shouldn’t there be bells made of paper hanging from the ceiling, and paper balls, and white and yellow streamers? Shouldn’t people dance and hold each other close? Shouldn’t we fill the tables with cake and presents?

YE S , B U T W E CA N ’ T H AV E C E L E B R AT I O N S I N TH E V E RY S A M E R O O M W H E R E G R O U P S O F PE O P L E A R E B E I N G TO R T U R E D , O R G R O U P S O F P E OP L E A R E B E I N G K I L L E D .

We have to know, Where we are, and where are the ones who are being tortured and killed? Not in the same room?

NO

—but surely—isn’t there any other room we can use?

YE S , B U T W E S T I L L C O U L D H E A R T H E PE O P L E S C R E A M I N G .

Well, then—can’t we use the building across the street?

W E L L , M AY B E — B U T W O U L D N ’ T I T F E E L ST R A N G E TO WA L K BY T H E W I N D OW D U R I N G O U R C E L E B R AT I O N S A N D LO O K AC R O S S AT T H E B U I L D I N G W E ’ R E I N N OW AN D TH I N K AB OUT TH E B LOOD AN D TH E D EATH S AN D TH E TE STI CLE S B E I N G CR U S H E D I N S I D E I T ?

Yes—poor countries are beautiful. Poor people are beautiful. It’s a wonderful feeling to have money in a country where most people are poor, to ride in a taxi through horrible slums.

Yes—a beggar can be beautiful. A beggar can have beautiful lips, beautiful eyes. You’re far from home. To you, her simple shawl seems elegant, direct, the right way to dress. You see her approaching from a great distance. She’s old, thin, and yes, she looks sick, very sick, near death. But her face is beautiful—seductive, luminous. You like her—you’re drawn to her. Yes, you think—there’s money in your purse—you’ll give her some of it.

WHY N OT ALL OF IT? WHY N OT G IVE H E R ALL THAT YOU HAVE?

Be careful, that’s a question that could poison your life.

Your love of beauty could actually kill you.

If you hear that question, it means you’re sick. You’re mentally sick. You’ve had a break down. And the bathroom spins, all the way around, at a sort of unbearable speed. I stare at the toilet.

AN SWE R TH E QU E STI ON, I D I OT. D ON’T J U ST STAN D TH E R E.

I can’t give the beggar all that I have, because I because I be

ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

SAY IT.

The life I live is irredeemably corrupt. It has no justification.

I keep thinking that there’s this justification that I’ve written down somewhere, on some little piece of paper, but that it’s sitting in the drawer of some desk in some room in some place I used to live. But in fact I’ll never find that little piece of paper, because there isn’t one, it doesn’t exist.

There’s no piece of paper that justifies what the beggar has and what I have. Standing naked beside the beggar—there’s no difference between her and me except a difference in luck. I don’t actually deserve to have a thousand times more than the beggar has. I don’t deserve to have two crusts of bread more.

And then, this too: My friends and I were never well meaning and kind. The sadists were not compassionate scholars, trying to do their best for humanity. The burning of fields, the burning of children, were not misguided attempts to do good. Cowards who sit in lecture halls or the halls of state denouncing the crimes of revolutionaries are not as admirable as the farmers and nuns who ran so swiftly into the wind, who ran silently into death. The ones I killed were not the worst people in all those places; in fact, they were the best.

My feeling in my heart a sympathy for the poor does not change the life of the poor. My believing fervently in gradual change does not change the life of the poor. Parents who teach their children good values do not change the life of the poor. Artists who create works of art that inspire sympathy and good values do not change the life of the poor. Citizens inspired by artists and parents to adopt good values and feel sympathy for the poor and vote for sincere politicians who believe fervently in gradual change do not change the life of the poor, because sincere politicians who believe fervently in gradual change do not change the life of the poor.

In the street, far away, a man cries out.

The earth relaxes. The prisoner in the electric chair has suffered and died, and the guards have taken him out to his grave. And yes—there—there’s a wash of blue on the dark wall of the sky, a hint of dawn.

I blow out the candle and swim across the room toward my beautiful bed.

Inside my covers, head on the pillow, I swim toward sleep.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

I K N OW YOU F O R G I V E M E.

I’m still falling.