7 minute read
Parting Shot: Interview With a Straw Woman
Interview With a Straw Woman
She’s had 63 and a half abortions—will she now change her ways?
By Francesca Fiorentini penis on a live stream. Do you feel like maybe there’s a limit to your pro-choice stance? Can I ask, why not use birth control, the pill or an IUD?
Luz Cookie is 45 minutes late to our interview. We meet in a sports bar near Wall Street, where she says she likes to “bag drunk richies like J.Lo in Hustlers.” When Ms. Cookie arrives, decked out in twisted fishnets and messy mascara, she apologizes, telling me it’s better she’s late than her period. The conversation that follows is 100 percent true and absolutely does exist outside of Ted Cruz’s mind.
Francesca: So you have had multiple abortions. Why do you think it has been so stigmatiz– wait, are you taking misoprostol right now?
Ms. Cookie: Yeah, well it takes a few hours to kick in. I prefer to abort in the evenings with a nice glass of wine while watching the Muslim Ms. Marvel.
So exactly how many abortions have you had?
One for every cat I own.
How many is that?
Six–
Wow, six …
–ty-three. This will be 64. I’ve gotta go to the shelter tomorrow and pick out another furball. It’s kitten season!
Sixty-four cats must be a lot of work.
Not at all. Just feed ’em what I dumpster dive and throw a halfopen Bible down for a litter box. Plus they’re a great distraction while I’m completing my third master’s in postcolonial Marxist feminist dance choreography with a focus in Taylor Swift, and actively aborting.
I see. You’ve been called the “Yas Queen of Abortions” by TikTok. You regularly post videos of your abortions to your two million followers, and at one point ate a human
Look, I’ve eaten so much penis, I figured why not actually eat a penis. And it was consensual.
Did you cook it?
Does the microwave count?
Have you slept with any conservatives?
Of course! They always pay for dinner and there’s always leftovers for my cats. But their mommy issues are no joke. Why do you think I’ve aborted so many of their babies? I don’t need that baggage. Honestly? The boobs. Look at these puppies. Progesterone makes them pop. Then I just flush out the rest, but the boobs last for at least three months. Plus that first-trimester morning sickness keeps the pounds off and Boom! Your girl is bikini-ready for the summer.
How are you feeling now that the conservative majority on the Supreme Court has overturned Roe v. Wade? Are you concerned that your access might be limited?
Absolutely. I’m actually terrified.
Even with Plan C being available in the mail at plancpills.org?
Oh yeah, even if I use a private browser.
Wait, so will this make you change your sexual habits?
For sure. If I can’t have a safe abortion, I have no choice but to immediately cease having sex for pleasure.
Just like that?
Just like that. I’ll probably get married too. I’ll find an average man whose dreams I can support after I abandon my career and stop studying for the bar. I’ll have five of his children, buy all my clothing from Chico’s, go to church every Sunday, and vote for Ron DeSantis. A strong country needs a strong man, and a strong man needs a strong wife to raise his progeny while he sleeps with other women.
And what if they get pregnant?
Oh, he can just use the kids’ college fund to pay for an abortion. After all, higher learning is just all about critical race theory.
The essentials for a better life for all
By Randi Weingarten, President AMERICAN FEDERATION OF TEACHERS
It is impossible to capture all we have been through the past two years: A pandemic, and a plot to overturn a presidential election. Mask wars, culture wars and a war on truth. Floods in Puerto Rico, and fires in New Mexico. Shattering gun violence in Uvalde, Buffalo, Highland
Park and so many other communities. Racism and the fear and trauma it inflicts. A right-wing majority on the Supreme Court that undermined the Constitution’s separation of church and state; overturned Roe v. Wade; and hobbled Miranda v.
Arizona, the Environmental Protection Agency, and states’ ability to keep their citizens safe—all in a single month. Oil companies and other corporations are reaping record profits yet squeezing us dry at the pump and the grocery store.
More than 3,000 AFT members gathered recently in Boston for our first in-person convention since the COVID-19 pandemic. As I told them, this moment can be viewed through the lens of fear or hope; despair or aspiration; self-interest or the greater good. As I have traveled the country visiting members—teachers and school staff, nurses and healthcare professionals, public employees, and college faculty and staff—I have seen that they definitively, defiantly and undeniably choose hope, aspiration and the greater good.
They’ve done it by focusing on the essential foundations for a better life for all. Essentials like safety, whether commonsense gun safety or protections for our LGBTQIA+ students. And essentials like the knowledge and skills necessary to thrive in today’s world—reading, math, science, and practical life skills and critical thinking.
To recommit to those essentials, the AFT has launched our new What Kids and Communities
Need campaign. While some politicians are trying to drive a wedge between parents and teachers by banning books, censoring curriculum and politicizing public education, we’re focused on investing in public schools and the essential knowledge and skills students need. We’re focused on accelerating learning, not just catching up. We are fighting for the conditions students need to thrive, like schools with good ventilation, smaller class sizes and mental health resources. If politicians truly want to help kids thrive, they need to invest in this too.
Reading is another essential. It not only affects all other academic achievement, it’s essential for well-being and to unlock life’s possibilities. Through the AFT’s Reading Opens the World campaign, we are giving more than 1 million books to children and school staff across America, along with tips to promote literacy and a love of reading. We are working to expand access to another essential—community schools, which help children and families get healthcare, food assistance and other necessities in one place. The AFT and our affiliates currently support more than 700 community schools nationwide. We have an ambitious goal: to expand our reach to 2,500 community schools over the next five years. Of course, the people who do all this are essential. But a recent Gallup poll found that K-12 professionals are the most burned-out workers in America. Teachers and school staff have been struggling for years with a lack of respect, inadequate resources, subpar compensation and endless paperwork. And then came COVID-19. Even before the pandemic, nearly 300,000 teachers left the profession each year—two-thirds before retirement age. The AFT is not just decrying this problem, we are finding solutions. AFT convention delegates approved a resolution from our Teacher and School Staff Shortage Task Force, identifying key areas that need to change: climate, culture, conditions and, of course, compensation. Another essential is making the economy work for all, especially as working people struggle with higher prices for almost everything. Higher prices hurt even more because the federal minimum wage has been just $7.25 since 2009. They hurt because Republicans in Congress keep blocking efforts to lower the cost of prescription drugs. They hurt because private equity firms are scooping up real estate—causing the price of rent and homes to skyrocket. And higher prices hurt because employers keep beating back unionization drives. As Americans, we have an essential obligation to defend our democracy. The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection has presented shocking evidence of how Donald Trump and his allies tried to prevent the peaceful transition of power. And anti-democracy forces who worked overtime in advance of the 2020 elections to limit voting rights now are laying the groundwork to interfere with vote counting and even manipulate the outcome in future elections. This is a moment to stand up and be counted, to live our convictions, to engage not withdraw. We must fight for our children and our country, for our democracy and our freedoms. We must act to fulfill our aspirations—by voting, by fighting for an economy that works for all, and by ensuring every child has access to safe, welcoming, well-resourced public schools. That is how to achieve a better life for all.
Photo: Michael Campbell
