PARTINGSHOT
Interview With a Straw Woman She’s had 63 and a half abortions—will she now change her ways? Luz Cookie is 45 minutes late to our interview. We meet in a sports bar near Wall Street, where she says she likes to “bag drunk richies like J.Lo in Hustlers.” When Ms. Cookie arrives, decked out in twisted fishnets and messy mascara, she apologizes, telling me it’s better she’s late than her period. The conversation that follows is 100 percent true and absolutely does exist outside of Ted Cruz’s mind.
penis on a live stream. Do you feel like maybe there’s a limit to your pro-choice stance? Look, I’ve eaten so much penis, I figured why not actually eat a penis. And it was consensual. Did you cook it? Does the microwave count?
How are you feeling now that the conservative majority on the Supreme Court has overturned Roe v. Wade? Are you concerned that your access might be limited? Absolutely. I’m actually terrified.
Francesca: So you have had multiple abortions. Why do you think it has been so stigmatiz– wait, are you taking misoprostol right now? Ms. Cookie: Yeah, well it takes a few hours to kick in. I prefer to abort in the evenings with a nice glass of wine while watching the Muslim Ms. Marvel.
Even with Plan C being available in the mail at plancpills.org? Oh yeah, even if I use a private browser. Wait, so will this make you change your sexual habits? For sure. If I can’t have a safe abortion, I have no choice but to immediately cease having sex for pleasure.
So exactly how many abortions have you had? One for every cat I own. How many is that? Six–
Just like that? Just like that. I’ll probably get married too. I’ll find an average man whose dreams I can support after I abandon my career and stop studying for the bar. I’ll have five of his children, buy all my clothing from Chico’s, go to church every Sunday, and vote for Ron DeSantis. A strong country needs a strong man, and a strong man needs a strong wife to raise his progeny while he sleeps with other women.
Wow, six … –ty-three. This will be 64. I’ve gotta go to the shelter tomorrow and pick out another furball. It’s kitten season! Sixty-four cats must be a lot of work. Not at all. Just feed ’em what I dumpster dive and throw a halfopen Bible down for a litter box. Plus they’re a great distraction while I’m completing my third master’s in postcolonial Marxist feminist dance choreography with a focus in Taylor Swift, and actively aborting. I see. You’ve been called the “Yas Queen of Abortions” by TikTok. You regularly post videos of your abortions to your two million followers, and at one point ate a human 64 PROSPECT.ORG AUGUST 2022
Can I ask, why not use birth control, the pill or an IUD? Honestly? The boobs. Look at these puppies. Progesterone makes them pop. Then I just flush out the rest, but the boobs last for at least three months. Plus that first-trimester morning sickness keeps the pounds off and Boom! Your girl is bikini-ready for the summer.
Have you slept with any conservatives? Of course! They always pay for dinner and there’s always leftovers for my cats. But their mommy issues are no joke. Why do you think I’ve aborted so many of their babies? I don’t need that baggage.
And what if they get pregnant? Oh, he can just use the kids’ college fund to pay for an abortion. After all, higher learning is just all about critical race theory. I see. Well, thank you for your time. God bless you.
JANDOS ROTHSTEIN / GET TY IMAGES
By Francesca Fiorentini
