Friends of the Road and Friends for a Lifetime

Friends of the Road and Friends for a Lifetime

By Jamey Lewis

I was eighteen years old. I had made the flight across the Pacific from Indonesia back to the US on my own. I landed at LAX International Airport and was met by my sister and brother-inlaw. For the next three weeks, I stayed with my brother-in-law’s parents. They were very kind, but I hardly knew them. On college orientation day I was dropped off on campus by my brotherin-law’s mother. The college sophomore who was helping at orientation thought she was my grandmother. Good grief, I thought. I’m not even going to try to correct her. I kept my TCK identity tucked away.

It is not uncommon for young adult TCKs and other cross-cultural kids (CCKs) to keep their cross-cultural identity hidden as they face the challenge of navigating new friendships, especially with non-TCKs. In my case, it was just too hard to try to explain my international life to others back in my passport culture. I was sure they wouldn’t understand me. For some TCKs, frequent moves and goodbyes make it hard to share not only their TCK identity but also other important stories and parts of their lives with just about anyone. TCK writer Tanya Crossman expresses this tendency when she observes, “Investment in another person is simply storing up pain for when the inevitable goodbye comes.” (1)

As I pocketed my TCK identity, judgments that I thought were self-protecting formed in my heart. I vowed that if I married, I would only marry another TCK, because “only a TCK could truly understand me.” Happily, my vow crumbled. I met a beautiful and caring non- TCK woman. We were married after college graduation, later moved to Indonesia, and reared three TCKs of our own!

An Important Breakthrough

In my thirties I experienced an important breakthrough toward a deepening of my relationships. I finally decided that even if I was only going to be somewhere for a few weeks, I would try to invest my heart more openly in sharing with others. I didn’t want to keep parts of my heart tucked away any longer. Friendships with colleagues also began to deepen. A big part of that breakthrough came when I started to acknowledge the pain of various losses in my life. My heart pains were beginning to heal. I was able to access more stories from my life and from the various rooms of my heart. And I discovered that the stories of my own healing resonated in the hearts of others. My stories helped to prime the pump and draw out stories from the wells of other TCK and global nomad hearts.

A Friendship Recession

TCKs are not the only ones who choose to keep some stories buried deep in their hearts and who struggle to develop close friendships. In my passport country, the US, there is a “friendship recession,” according to a May 2021 survey on US American life. (2) The number of close friendships among US Americans has declined over the last thirty years. In 1990, 47 percent of US Americans reported having six or more close friends (aside from relatives). By 2021, only 25 percent of US Americans reported having six or more close friends. The percentage of those who reported having no close friends was up from 3 percent in 1990 to 12 percent in 2021.

Is the friendship recession global? Chances are it is, since the factors contributing to the decline in close friendships (e.g., geographic mobility, among other factors) are present globally.

There are ‘friends of the road’— friends who meet up and journey together for a time over a shared task or location—and there are ‘friends for a lifetime.

Friends of the Road and Friends for a Lifetime

Is it possible to reverse the friendship recession? My hope-filled heart says yes, at least within the sphere of my own relationships. To help others cultivate that hope, “priming the pump” with my stories is important, as I mentioned above. But another concept that an older friend shared with me invites us to be realistic about where we might focus the nurturing of longer-term friendships. There are “friends of the road”— friends who meet up and journey together for a time over a shared task or location—and there are “friends for a lifetime.” These two are different.

Take an inventory of your friendships. Who are the friends with whom you have a shared history and an important bond of connection that transcends work or location? Devote time, money, and effort to cultivate those friendships. With others who are “friends of the road,” commit yourself to be a helpful, consistent, and caring friend as you travel together for a season. When the road forks and you need to part ways, thank each other sincerely and release yourselves from the expectations of having to be lifetime friends.

Current friendships are waiting to be deepened. Other friendships have yet to be formed. They are inviting us forward. We TCKs and global nomads have a bounty of rich and diverse experiences and stories to share if we choose not to tuck them away. May it be so!

1 Crossman, Tanya. Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century. United Kingdom: Summertime Publishing, 2016, p. 120.

2 https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/thestate-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-andloss/. Accessed July 30, 2021.

Jamey Lewis is an adult TCK who was born and reared in Indonesia, attending boarding schools in Indonesia and Malaysia. He has lived and worked as an adult in Indonesia and currently resides with his family in Southern California, USA. Jamey is a life coach for adult TCKs and international professionals and is certified with the International Coaching Federation. www.couragelifecoaching.com. Instagram: @couragelifecoaching