Healing Your Wounded Soul: Growing from Pain to Peace by Ancient Faith Publishing

HEALING Your Wounded Soul Growing from Pain to Peace  •

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Fr. Joshua Makoul

ancient faith publishing • chesterton, indiana

Healing Your Wounded Soul: Growing from Pain to Peace Copyright ©2020 Joshua Makoul All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Published by: Ancient Faith Publishing A Division of Ancient Faith Ministries P.O. Box 748 Chesterton, IN 46304 ISBN: 978-1-944967-83-3 Library of Congress Control Number: 2020943659 Printed in the United States of America

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For my mother, who taught me to love, and for my father, who taught me to forgive, and that people can change if we just stay close enough to see it. •

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Contents

Foreword by Metropolitan JOSEPH ix Introduction 1 Chapter 1 The Healing Power of Insight Chapter 2 How the Past Can Affect the Present

Part II: When the Past Colors the Present

Chapter 4 The Beginning of Healing

Part I: The Fundamental Losses

Chapter 3 How the Past Can Affect the Present

Resolving the Unresolved

Chapter 5 The Fruits of Healing

Chapter 6 Spiritual Formation and Character

105

Chapter 7 Keeping the Past in Its Proper Place

121

Conclusion Creating the Empty Tomb in Our Hearts

141

Bibliography 149

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Introduction

he purpose of this book is to address an area of our spiritual life that is often overlooked: namely, how past painful or traumatic experiences may be affecting us and hindering our spiritual growth. It is hoped that this book will help deepen our insight and self-awareness, so that we can use these tools to achieve further spiritual growth, learn the best way to endure suffering, and lead a more God-pleasing life. The processes and activities described in this book are meant to be applied to the context of our own theosis, and to healing from being hurt by the fallenness of others. It is not the purpose of this book to present this process as mandatory for everyone. Our response to the events that have occurred in our lives is a personal matter, between us and God. How far we should go in our resolution of painful or traumatic events in our life is also a personal matter. Some of us may be content with the current state of our spiritual life, inclined not to stir the water, so to speak, by digging deeper and addressing the wounds from past negative events that are paralyzing us spiritually. It is for no one to judge another on their approach to their past experiences. For many the old adage “let sleeping dogs lie” works very well. • 1 Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/healing-your-wounded-soul/

heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l However, for some of us, no matter how much we attempt to practice that old adage, there are continuous and pervasive signs that something is amiss. Perhaps we are haunted by a lingering feeling of loss, or by repetitive negative interpersonal experiences that result in conflict-filled or failed relationships. Maybe we always feel on edge, or find ourselves unable to stay in the present moment, trust, and feel comfortable when life is going well. Perhaps we have a hard time accepting the love of God and others, or we may find ourselves reacting to someone in the present as though they were a different person from the past. For those of us who can relate to these examples, it is a true blessing and opportunity for grace when we come to the realization that we cannot continue like this, and that realization is accompanied with an intense desire for change. It is for such moments that this book is written. These pages are offered as a guide to those who desire to dive deep within themselves, to set out on an introspective journey that will reveal many insights along the way. This journey, with God and His grace as companions, has as its ultimate goal healing, in the form of resolution that leads to spiritual growth and union with God. As we follow the path of this process, we will learn to dismantle and remove the emotional roadblocks that have stunted our spiritual growth: life experiences that have inflicted pain, loss, confusion, and fear, that leave us feeling stuck at some painful earlier time and place, or that lead us to see the present and future through the lens of the past. When we achieve freedom from our past, we will be able to find more joy in life, see and feel the love of God, and relish the peace that comes with gratitude. This process is a lifelong pursuit. It requires continuous and

Introduction persistent effort, but we persist because we strongly desire the fruits of this work: the peace of Christ. This peace can be elusive and difficult to hold onto in this fallen world. Preserving this peace in our hearts requires continuous effort and watchfulness. It is difficult work, but it becomes easier when we remove the interference and distraction that emanate from unresolved past experiences. Indeed, this work is part of our ascesis or spiritual labor and struggle. It is truly part of our ascetical life; it involves self-denial in that we must look within objectively and be prepared to accept difficult truths—truths that, once accepted and embraced, reveal the way out of our spiritual paralysis. Unfortunately, we often fear the unknown. Sometimes we become alarmed when encountering any topic related to modern- day psychology. Psychology is often perceived as secular and as the religion of self-worship. In some practices and fields of psychology, such charges are indeed valid. However, to consider all applications and knowledge that have been gleaned from the field of psychology under these categories would indeed be tragic. As a result of modern social science, we have become more aware of how certain experiences affect people, and as a result of this, we can clearly see how unresolved emotional wounds can act as roadblocks in our spiritual growth. In learning more about how people respond to their life experiences, we can be more effective in providing spiritual medicine for healing. Would it not be well pleasing to God for us to engage in a process that can enable us to more effectively and successfully continue on our way to theosis, the goal of every Orthodox Christian—to become by grace what God is by nature? Despite this undeniable truth, there are some who fear that addressing

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heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l issues from the past will somehow bring spiritual misfortune. In following such a narrow approach, however, one runs the risk of becoming spiritually stuck, trapped under the shadow of fear and loss. The reality is that, while it is prudent to be cautious, one should not reject all of the concepts and knowledge that modern-day therapy has to offer. There is a need for balance, for being open but at the same time discerning. We must discern between what will bring us closer to God, better able to love our neighbor, and what might pull us away from God and cause us to become more turned inward and individualistic. A mature Orthodox Christian, or one with a spiritual father helping along the way, can easily discern what will help him toward healing and spiritual growth and what will send him off in a direction away from those goals. This book offers a pathway to a healthy union with God, using concepts from our ancient faith along with modern counseling practices, in order to open a pathway out of our spiritual paralysis. This is not a book about psychology, but rather about what Evagrius the Solitary called the “science of the soul.” Many of the concepts and practices that psychology teaches were conceived long ago by the Desert Fathers. The Desert Fathers did not avoid introspection—in fact, quite the opposite. One of the purposes for their journey to the desert was to engage in prayer and introspection more fully and without the distraction of the world. The Desert Fathers did not avoid what lay within, as long as it would lead to spiritual growth and accelerate their path to theosis. St. Isaac of Syria wrote, “Enter eagerly into the treasure house that is within you, and you will see things that are in heaven—for there is but one single entry to them both. The ladder that leads

Introduction to the Kingdom is hidden within your soul. Flee from sin, dive into yourself, and in your soul you will discover the stairs by which to ascend.”* He speaks to each one of us. St. Isaac beckons us to begin the journey deep within ourselves, which will begin a transformation that ultimately will benefit both ourselves and others. In beginning this journey “into the treasure house that is within us,” we will see good and bad, positive and negative, but we have to confront all these parts of ourselves if we are to “discover the stairs by which to ascend.” The treasures in that treasure house—inner peace, light, grace, hope, knowledge, and strength—are more precious than gold. The tools we use to mine these treasures are insight and self-awareness combined with a yearning for resolution and peace.

* A.J. Wensinck, Mystic Treatises (Wiesbaden: M. Sändig, 1969), 8.

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CHAPTER 1

The Healing Power of Insight

e live in a fallen world, and as a result we have experiences that hurt and lead to disappointment. We at times find ourselves on the receiving end of someone else’s fallen nature, and others find themselves at the receiving end of ours. When we speak of healing in this book, what kind of healing are we talking about, and from exactly what kind of experiences? Healing, for our purposes, means moving on from a past painful experience by resolving it so that it no longer disrupts the present. Resolving a painful experience means we gain a sense of mastery over it by understanding it, grieving it, resolving any confusion associated with it, and correcting any meanings misassigned to the experience. It also means assimilating the experience into our life in such a way that it not only doesn’t hinder our spiritual growth but may even accelerate it.

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heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l Experiences That Can Hinder Our Spiritual Life No one can avoid experiencing the normal hurt and disappointment that come with life in this world. Usually, such common experiences do not produce lasting or debilitating spiritual or emotional wounds. The wounds we are addressing in this book come from experiences that had a profound and adverse effect on us; that caused a negative fundamental shift in our beliefs and perception of the world, God, ourselves, and others; that resulted in a profound loss of the healthy perceptions and beliefs about ourselves, others, and God that we need to grow, develop, and mature spiritually. These are experiences that led us to develop spiritually harmful beliefs and perceptions that stunt our spiritual growth and result in much additional hurt and struggle. When speaking of wounds, we are referring to the harmful effects an emotionally painful experience has on us that make it difficult for us to live the way God wants us to live. For example, one might begin life with an overall mindset in which others are given the benefit of the doubt, are seen as mostly well intentioned, and can be trusted. Many who have suffered a painful or traumatic event within the context of a key relationship, especially in their early years, lose that mindset. Instead, they develop a general mistrust of others, a defensive stance toward others in which they become guarded and live in chronic anticipation of being hurt. In this example, a profound loss has taken place. It is clear how the negative mindset that develops after the adverse experience can stunt one’s spiritual growth. How can we pursue the great commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves and receive love from others when we exist in this defensive and negative mindset? 8 • Copyright ©2020 by Joshua Makoul. All Rights Reserved. Published by Ancient Faith Publishing

The Healing Power of Insight Some say that we simply need to live with the awareness that this a fallen world, adjust our expectations accordingly, and when significantly negative events happen, simply carry our cross and move on. For those who are able to function in such way, that is fine. For many, it is not so easy. The remembrance of people, places, and events plays a critical role in our lives. It is a process and activity that is constantly taking place in our minds and in the Church. The significance of our experiences has a lot to do with how we remember events. We have something called emotional memories, which are formed when we associate strong emotions with certain past experiences, memories, and places. We remember an experience not only in the form of images but also in the form of emotions. We not only remember memories, but we feel them. It is only natural that when we associate positive emotions with a place or person, we will welcome opportunities to reconnect or revisit those people or places. But what if we experienced and associated powerful negative emotions with a certain person or place? Carrying oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cross is a process, and especially when we are burdened with painful emotional memories, it is one that we sometimes struggle with. The work of resolving past experiences that have wounded us is part of the process of carrying our cross and can help us do it more effectively and in a more God-pleasing way. Many of us feel confused when we are unable to simply get over a significant negative event in our life. To make matters worse, we often feel shame and criticize ourselves for struggling to move past something that happened. We begin to see our inability to move on as a weakness, and we spend significant time wondering what is wrong with us. Worse still, many of us carry the

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heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l belief that, if we spend time working through an experience, we are somehow wallowing in self-pity. Some of us may even bring up in confession that we are having a hard time dismissing what occurred, as though it were a sin to have feelings about it. We tend to believe that if we acknowledge or accept our feelings, we are somehow being self-centered. When we take this attitude, we are afflicting ourselves with shame and compounding our suffering by being frustrated with ourselves. Certainly, there are life experiences that we should not linger too long thinking about or processing. There are indeed situations where it is prudent to move on. However, there is a difference between self-pity and actively working through something that occurred so as to move past it and perhaps even grow from it. We have to discern when it is appropriate to let go and move on, and when we have to lean into something that happened and work through it. The work discussed in this book does not involve self-pity. It dives into the past only to the extent that it can resolve the present and not hinder our spiritual growth. We engage in continuous labor and work precisely so that we can move on from what occurred in the past. So what is the dividing line between these two kinds of experiences—those it is profitable to revisit and those it is not? It will be different for each one of us, depending on our unique family of origin, upbringing, and experiences. I might have an experience that it is better for me to move past without giving it much thought. However, that same experience for you might require more processing and exploration because your reaction to it indicates there is something wrong or something else going on. There may be something in the form of unresolved work from

The Healing Power of Insight a past experience that will keep repeating itself if you do not at some point spend time and work on it. When we have a hard time letting go of a certain interaction, occurrence, or something someone said, there is often a reason. No doubt this is sometimes merely due to pride or some other more common aspect of our fallenness. However, such a reaction may be evidence of a significant past experience that has gone unresolved and will continue to leak out into the present until we have dealt with it. Experiences that may require more attention and work include abuse, whether verbal, emotional, or sexual; the unexpected death of loved ones; serious accidents; divorce; toxic work environments; domestic violence or conflict; loss of a normal or safe home life; having a conflict-filled relationship with a parent; growing up with a parent who struggled with addiction or mental illness; and being the victim of a crime. In such experiences there are underlying themes of loss, powerlessness, and betrayal. These painful or traumatic experiences may take the form of a single, acute event or may consist of a series of events over time. Often the events and experiences that affect us the most are the ones that take place in the relationships we are the most dependent on. The writer Tian Dayton refers to betrayal that occurs in relationships as “relationship trauma.” It is when a person we trusted fails to fulfill their basic role in the relationship, as in the case of a parent who fails to nurture and protect their child. The loss and betrayal inherent in relationship trauma have long-lasting effects on later relationships. While not all traumatic experiences result in what is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they often result in post-traumatic stress symptoms, which occur when someone

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heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l experiences a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Tian Dayton defines PTSD as a post-traumatic stress reaction in which pain from a previous time in one’s life reemerges days, months, or even years after the fact. It becomes relived, recreated, or reenacted in their current lives through projection, reenactment dynamics, and transferences. In these experiences a struggle follows in which we try to make sense of and comprehend what occurred, both on a conscious and unconscious level. When attempting to heal from these experiences, our mind has a natural need to gain a sense of mastery over them and will not move on until it has done so. If we go too long without finding this closure, we may bandage the wound in unhealthy ways that lead to further wounds in the future, and that obstruct and hinder our theosis. In order to gain a sense of mastery over an event and to resolve our conflicted feelings related to it, we must work through any lingering emotion. Any emotions tied to the event that are not released and worked through will linger until they are resolved. If we do not properly heal, resolve, and develop mastery over the event, we may seek to soothe the wound in a way that leaves us feeling as though the past event never really ended. This may result in behaviors that end up creating more hurt in the present. At times we may attempt to navigate our life in this world without seeking insight into why struggles are occurring in our life and relationships. We may choose to focus on other aspects of our spirituality with increased devotion as an attempt to compensate for a certain area of deficiency or weakness that is negatively affecting us or others in our life. While no doubt this approach seems convenient, it often leads to us plateauing spiritually and

The Healing Power of Insight our own theosis becoming stunted. We may think we have taken a more convenient spiritual path, when in fact we have taken a shortcut that will ultimately cause us to return to that area of work in order to resume our spiritual growth. In addition to this, if we find this work an inconvenience, and upon gazing on our shortcomings we choose to look away and persist in the convenient belief that others are not cooperating with our worldview, then the healing path will remain closed to us, and we will stay shrouded in pride and self-imposed delusion.

Moments of Clarity: Our Own Stars by Which We Plot Our Course Many of us have had moments in our life where something that had been elusive suddenly becomes clear. Perhaps it was a sense of direction that was evading us, or an insight into why we struggle with certain things, or an area of our life we had been neglecting, or a direction in which we needed to go. These moments of clarity are often sudden and vivid. They may arise during times of silent prayer or during times when we allow ourselves to be quiet and introspective. They are often also accompanied with an intense desire to follow through and make changes in our life. Much as the sailors of old used the stars to plot their courses, so we use these moments of insight and clarity to plot our course as we journey through this world. We sail from insight to insight, growing each time we have such a moment by putting the insight into practice. Indeed, as St. Anthony the Great said, “One who knows oneself, knows God: and one who knows God is worthy to

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heal i n g y o u r wo u n d ed so u l worship Him as right. Therefore, my beloveds in the Lord, know yourselves.”* If we have not experienced these moments of clarity and insight, there is a good chance we have not desired them. The birthing of these moments begins with desire—a desire for something better, a desire to change and progress spiritually. However, at times we may find that we have plateaued spiritually. We may even feel spiritually stuck. Such moments can become a great source of frustration. We often begin to shame ourselves or get frustrated with ourselves about this realization or belief that we have spiritually plateaued. However, when we do this, we are only further dooming ourselves to spiritual stagnation. Spiritual growth requires desire, striving, and hope. Shame and frustration are poor motivators in the process of theosis. The time and energy we expend on shame and frustration would be far better spent on the pursuit of insight and self-awareness. Indeed, these moments of insight and self-awareness are the rungs of the ladder of divine ascent, and the motion of climbing them is our response. Do we embrace them and turn what we see into resolutions, hence moving up the ladder? Or do we turn away or allow ourselves to be distracted by the cares of this world, hence standing still on the ladder, or worse, regressing? The force that drives us to ascend is our love for God and our desire to be closer to Him. We work these desires into our prayer life by asking God to help us make these desired changes. We ask Him to give us His grace and the Holy Spirit so that truths and insights may be revealed to us and that we might be healed of the wounds and * Derwas James Chitty, The Letters of St. Antony the Great (Ann Arbor, MI: S.L.G. Press, 1975), letter 4.

The Healing Power of Insight emotional roadblocks that have hindered our theosis. Prayer is often a window through which we see within. We strive to pray silently so that we can hear God’s whispers into our hearts. We also pray to God for courage to face these insights and realizations, that we might have the humility and courage to work through them. These moments of clarity, of insight and realizations about ourselves and our life, are revelations indeed. When they appear, we must grab hold of them; as the one whose survival depends on starting a fire cradles and protects the ember he finally succeeds in creating, so we must eagerly grab hold of and protect that moment of clarity and insight so that it may not be lost. These moments of insight or clarity, when we are able to see within and discover what is amiss, are the starting point of the healing this book is about.

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