Introducing Practical Guides Free Sampler by Icon Books

PRACTICAL GUIDES

FREE SAMPLER S B I G I ODREA F R EAL LI FE

Introducing The Practical Guides Free eBook Sampler

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Published in the UK and USA in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP email: info@iconbooks.co.uk www.iconbooks.co.uk Sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA or their agents Distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by TBS Ltd, TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road, Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW

Published in Australia in 2012 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd, PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street, Crows Nest, NSW 2065 Distributed in Canada by Penguin Books Canada, 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3 Distributed to the trade in the USA by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution The Keg House, 34 Thirteenth Avenue NE, Suite 101, Minneapolis, MN 55413-1007

ISBN: 978-184831-461-0 Text copyright © 2012 Alison & David Price, Bridget Grenville-Cleave, Dave Robinson, John Karter, Neil Shah, Dianne Lowther, Elaine Iljon Foreman & Clair Pollard, Tessa Watt The authors have asserted their moral rights. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty Printed and bound in the UK by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc

Contents Introduction v Extracts of Introducing Practical Guides: Psychology of Success 1 Positive Psychology 29 Ethics for Everyday Life 59 Psychology of Relationships 85 NLP 111 NLP for Work 137 CBT 165 Mindfulness 195

Introduction The Introducing Practical Guides are designed to help you improve your life. It’s as simple as that. A lot of self-help books can be little more than hot air. The Practical Guides are different. They take big ideas from real experts in their fields and get them working for you. The advice in these guides is backed up by real knowledge and research, but has been made uniquely concise and accessible to ensure that it can be used by even the busiest people. From achieving your goals at home or in business to tackling self-esteem problems and depression, from building a sustainable relationship to thinking about how to be a better person, the series offers a wealth of resources to help you get the most out of your life – and the list of titles is expanding all the time. This sample ebook is a selection of excerpts from different Practical Guides, intended to give you a taste of what the series has to offer. We hope that you find some useful information here, and that you will be encouraged to improve your life as a result – in whatever way you see fit. For more information on the series and a full list of available titles, visit www.introducingbooks.co.uk. Happy reading! The Icon Books Team

Introducing Psychology of Success

These first three chapters are taken from Introducing Psychology of Success. They will show you that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always worth making positive changes in your life, help you to make sure you are aiming for something that will really make you happy, and teach you the importance of balancing quick, current satisfaction against lasting future satisfaction.

Activation! It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on Earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Mike was aged ‘50-something’ when we had the pleasure of meeting him. He was a pleasant and relaxed man, with bright eyes and a smile on his face. Yet despite this, Mike was also quite frankly one of the most annoying people that you could meet when running a course on making the most out of your life and potential. This wasn’t because, like some, Mike sat there all day with his arms firmly crossed and a sceptical look on his face that clearly read, ‘Go on then, motivate me!’ In contrast, he seemed to agree with the ethos of the course and was obviously engaged in learning. Yet despite this, in all the exercises designed to set goals and become energized to take action, Mike was adamant that there was absolutely nothing that he wanted to do differently in his life. A common misconception: There’s no point in changing my life. I’m happy sitting at home in my comfy armchair each evening and watching the television.

Rather than this common misconception, is there a different way to look at life?

The value of hindsight Time travel may not be possible, but we can seek advice from those older and wiser than us and ask them the question: ‘If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?’ Researcher Richard Leider has dedicated nearly 25 years to interviewing senior citizens, asking them just this question (let’s hope that he doesn’t regret spending all that time on it!). Fascinatingly, he found that, almost without exception, when senior citizens look back, they say the same things: • Firstly, make sure that you take regular ‘time out’ to look at the bigger picture, and to work out what you want from life. You get so caught up in the rat race of life that it usually takes a crisis to make you step back and re-visit what your priorities are. • Secondly, be more courageous and take more risks. You are most alive when you are learning, growing, stretching and exploring. • And finally, make sure that you work out, as early as possible in your life, what will make you genuinely fulfilled. Success is often measured in external ways, such as how big your house is or what job title you have, but the internal measure of how happy you feel inside is far more important. 3

This book will help you to achieve all of these things, so that you don’t come to share the same regrets as the senior citizens Richard Leider interviewed. It will inspire you to step back and work out what you want from life, challenging you to ensure that the success that you seek will actually lead to lasting fulfilment. It will then give you the confidence and techniques to help you to achieve your dreams. A final insight from Richard Leider’s research: as you grow older, life picks up speed. As you hit the second half of your life, everything moves faster and all of a sudden you realize that you are in your retirement. Looking back, it is obvious that time is the most precious currency in your life.

1. On a piece of paper, draw a rectangle with 8 squares in it, like the one above. 2. Assume that the boxes represent a person’s life expectancy of 80 years. Each box therefore represents 10 years. 3. Shade the number of years that you have already lived (e.g. if you are 40, shade in 4 squares). 4. Now shade off a third of the remainder – this represents the sleeping you are yet to do. 4

5. Next, shade off 50% of the remainder, as our research derived from the UK’s Office of National Statistics Time Use Survey (2005) shows that on average we spend: • 5 years of our lives eating and drinking (6.25% of our lives) • 8 years doing household chores (10% of our lives) • 10 years working and studying (12.5% of our lives) • 2 years spent on personal care (2.5% of our lives) • 5 years commuting and travelling (6.25% of our lives) • 9 years watching television (11.25% of our lives) • 1 year spent on meetings (1.25% of our lives) 6. Finally, think of anything else in the daily grind that takes up your time that hasn’t already been accounted for above. Shade away. Consider your reaction to this exercise. How do you feel now? What have you learned about your time and your priorities?

So what will make you change your life? After several hours of working with Mike, exasperated, we asked him, ‘Have you always felt this way? Have you always been confident that there is nothing you want to change in your life?’ Mike smiled and said: No. About four years ago, I was driving on my bike and had an accident and very, very nearly died. Since then I have completely

changed my attitude towards life and have made massive changes. I realized how precious it is and that it cannot be taken for granted.

Like Mike, many people are motivated to take action to make the most out of their lives following a wake-up call. Researcher Jonathan Haidt, from the University of Virginia, is fascinated by what happens to people like Mike who suffer a major life trauma. Haidt learned that many people, far from finding the tremendous struggle makes their lives worse, discover that it helps them to grow. Specifically, it helps people to sort out their priorities in life and causes them to do things that are important to them and that they have perhaps not made time for up to that point. Adversity also acts as a filter â&#x20AC;&#x201C; suddenly all of the petty and trivial concerns of everyday life become insignificant. This message is poignantly highlighted by the story of Simon Weston. Simon was a 21-year-old solider aboard a British ship involved in the Falklands War. On 8 June 1982, enemy forces bombed the ship and Simon was caught in the blast. His body was covered in burns that disfigured him and have required over 70 major operations. Despite his appalling trauma, in his book, Moving On, Simon says: Getting injured wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the worst thing that ever happened to me. In some ways it was even the best. Look at all the positive

aspects of my life that have grown from my injuries. In the end, it’s not what happens to you that counts, but what you do about it. What matters is where you are going to take your life and how you are going to makes things better.

Since suffering his injuries Simon has become dedicated to helping others, driving him to achieve a number of feats he was otherwise fearful of, including skydiving and running the New York City Marathon.

Seize the day If many people do take action to make the most out of their lives and potential following a wakeup call, the key message is this: why wait for a wake-up call to change your life? Unless you have the fortune to be a genuine clairvoyant (if indeed such a person exists!) then you will never know what is going to happen to you in life. Although many of us live our lives thinking, ‘That’s an awful story, but that would never happen to me’, the harsh reality of life is that it could. But more than that, wouldn’t it be fantastic if you could reap the benefits of achieving more from your life without having to survive a major life trauma. Make this the day that you seize the day. Imagine that you found out that you only had 24 hours to live.

• What would you do? • Who would you want to speak to? • What would you want to say to them? Now ask yourself: what do I need to do in the next 24 hours!

• T ake time out to look at the bigger picture of your life. • Extend your comfort zone; take on a little extra risk. • Your time is very precious; spend it doing what will be most rewarding.

Get activated now, or in other words: Dig a well before you are thirsty. Harvey Mackay

Begin with the end in mind The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lily Tomlin

Did you know that a study of the richest Americans revealed that 37% are less happy than the average American? If these people had been pursuing wealth as a means of happiness, that’s what we would call being ‘successfully unsuccessful’. So, before we give you powerful techniques that will rocket power you to achieve your goal of becoming a multimillionaire, we want to make sure that you are aiming for the right thing. Drawing upon Stephen Covey’s ‘jungle clearing’ story as an analogy: it doesn’t matter how successful you are at felling trees and clearing undergrowth, or indeed how hard you work, if ultimately you are in the wrong jungle. Before we explore any further, find a blank piece of paper and draw a picture to represent your dream life. Ask yourself, if I could make my life as good as it possibly could be, what would it look like?

It is important to remember this is about what makes you happy, not other people. What would your 10/10 life be? If you don’t want to draw your ideal life, have a go thinking about your dream life using our FLOURISH model: F: Friends – the people who you socialize with L: Love – your romantic relationships O: Occupation – how you spend your ‘working’ time U: Usual environment – your home, its setting and the lifestyle opportunities it offers R: Relatives – your relationships with your family members I: Income – your personal finances S: Spare time – how you spend your ‘free’ time H: Health – your physical wellbeing How would you FLOURISH?

Why do people end up being ‘successfully unsuccessful?’ Although it has been challenged as being somewhat oversimplistic, Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs can still be really helpful in understanding why people end up in ‘the wrong jungle’ in the first place. First here’s a quick overview of what the hierarchy of needs is: in 1943, Maslow proposed that we have five different types of needs. They all need to be satisfied, but critically, in the following order: 10

1. Basic needs – things we can’t survive without, such as air, water, food and shelter, then; 2. Safety needs – like protection from physical harm or having the financial security to continue to support our basic needs, then; 3. Social needs – satisfying our human requirement for companionship and involvement with others, then; 4. Esteem needs – the requirement to be respected and valued or to be able to display signs of wealth and prestige, and finally; 5. Self-actualization – the need to be everything that you are capable of being, and reaching your full potential in life.

The hierarchy of needs in action To see how the hierarchy of needs plays out in everyday life, let’s follow the story of Joe Average, who has recently graduated from university. Over the past three years Joe has spent way too much money on beer and he is now officially broke, so he heads straight back to Mum and Dad to put a roof over his head and food on the table, therefore satisfying his basic needs (and clearly to satisfy the basic need of having his washing done for him too!).

After weeks of him loafing around the house watching daytime television, Joe’s mother gives him a kick up the backside and sends him down to the local temp agency to get a job. Joe somehow manages to land himself a lowlevel job in a good company. He begins to get a regular income and is able to pay for his own food, contribute some rent and begin to pay off his debts, therefore meeting some safety needs. Joe has also made some new friends at work and has even found a girlfriend (that his mother actually likes), ticking lots of boxes in terms of his social needs. Joe then manages to get a permanent job in his company. The job is still nowhere near his dream job, but the pay is much better, and over the years he manages to do quite well at it. He gets promoted, becomes more qualified and earns the words ‘manager’ and then ‘senior manager’ in his job title. Joe’s esteem needs are comfortably met, especially with his nice new BMW convertible decorating the car park every day. He even manages to marry the girl that his mother liked. But Joe hits 40 and his world is rocked by the sudden and unexpected death of his mother. He is haunted by his last phone call to her, when he had to cancel coming round to see her for dinner because he was asked to prepare a work presentation at short notice. Joe realizes that although he has a nice wife, he actually spends very little time with her and instead passes a lot of his existence (he can’t call it ‘life’) sitting in his glass box of an office doing a job he doesn’t enjoy and never even wanted in the first 12

place. There’s no time for the gym and so now not only is he the proud owner of a set of BMW tyres, but also a hefty ‘spare tyre’ around his waist. Then, to top it all off, he receives notice that he has been made redundant. A harsh moment of reality strikes – Joe should have prioritized dinner with his mother over the now pointless meeting. At the time, she didn’t seem important enough. The point of this story is that many of us drift through life, very successfully climbing the hierarchy of needs, reaching close (but not close enough) to the top. This is being successfully unsuccessful. If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll probably end up someplace else. Lawrence J. Peter

Reaching real success The problem is that we can reach a point of realization where we find that, because we didn’t ‘begin with the end in mind’, we are near the top of the hierarchy, but our current life cannot support us to move any higher. We are stuck. It often takes a life crisis, like bereavement or a redundancy, to get us to stop and think what we ultimately want from our lives. But there is an even more sobering question to consider when trying to begin with the end in mind. That is: ‘Do 13

I actually have the right end in mind?’ We have asked you to draw what 10/10 life would look like for you, and that was asking you to begin with the end in mind. Now we want to make the crucial point that even if you made that piece of paper come true, you still might not be happy. Imagine that you have just picked up the keys to your very own, multi-million dollar house in glamorous Hollywood. It’s stunning – marble floors, contemporary but elegant bathrooms with the highest specification of fixtures and fittings. You have your very own swimming pool and hot tub. Life is perfect. As you pull up to the impressive gates of your new home for the first time as the owner, you glance up the hill next to you and see Jennifer Aniston’s hill top mansion. With a pang of envy you think, ‘What would it be like to live in a house with that view?’ A critical piece of advice from this chapter: when considering what your dream life would be like, be aware of the research that shows us that even when you are really successful, you quickly adapt to what you acquire and you simply want more. This is what psychologists call the principle of hedonic adaptation. For example, when you first climb into your brand new car, you feel a buzz of excitement. When you 14

climb in the second time, it’s exciting, but less so. By the 547th time you get into the same car it barely has any impact on you at all. This may help to explain why the richest Americans aren’t happier than the average American – they’ve adapted to their wealth and still have yet to reach the top of the hierarchy of needs or discover what will really make them happy. The impact of wealth on personal happiness is well summed up by the late David Lykken, who was Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota: ‘People who go to work in their overalls on the bus are just as happy, on average, as those in suits who drive to work in their own Mercedes.’

Achieving genuine success Many people define success in terms of money or possessions. However, an increasing amount of research makes it clear that most people don’t understand the difference between what they think will make them happy and what will actually make them happy. I’m sure we aren’t the only people to look out of the window on a miserable cold, wet British day and think how much happier we would be if we lived in a sunnier climate. We are therefore fascinated by a piece of research in Martin Seligman’s book, Authentic Happiness. This research found that people from Nebraska (who live through harsh winter weather) think that they would be happier if they lived in California, but intriguingly there is no difference 15

in happiness levels between people in Nebraska and California. We perhaps forget that many of the things that stress us out would still stress us out even if we lived in a perfect climate, and perhaps don’t appreciate how quickly we take our surroundings for granted. So then, when beginning with the end in mind, what should we focus on if we want to achieve real success and fulfilment in our lives? The next chapter will show you a crucial key to cracking the secret of fulfilment. However, in the meantime here are a couple of other things that are worth doing. Firstly, it’s worth setting goals aimed at making your relationships as strong as they can be. Research shows that having focused, trusting social relationships makes us happy. Secondly, wherever possible, set goals that include doing something that is meaningful to you. It can be difficult to comprehend what your purpose is in life, but it’s certainly worth trying to work out sooner rather than later what this is and aligning yourself with it. The clear message from modern research and the wise words of our elders is that living life with a sense of purpose and meaning is ultimately what makes you feel fulfilled. One way you could begin to discover what it is that would fulfil you is to answer this question we regularly pose: ‘If money was no object, what would you want to spend your time doing?’

Look back at the list of life goals that you made in the previous exercise. In the light of what you have just read about hedonic adaptation, the need for wealth and what really brings fulfilment in life ask yourself, ‘Am I focusing my precious time and energy in the right place?’ People can find that one of the most liberating moments of their life is when they realize that they don’t need to constantly strive to move to a bigger house, get a bigger car or get a better office. They are liberated because they are able to revisit their priorities and are no longer caught up in the never-ending spiral of constantly wanting more. You may have heard of a phenomenon called ‘yacht envy’ which occurs frequently in Monaco when multi-millionaires moor their luxury boat next to an even better one and feel that they need an upgrade. If that sounds ridiculous to you, remember that we probably all fall into a similar trap. • M ake sure you’re pursuing success in the ‘right jungle’. • Be aware of your own hierarchy of needs and how all aspects of your life are contributing to or detracting from these. • Identify what self-actualization – the fulfilment of your potential – really means for you.

This book rocket powers you to achieve success, but before we do that we want to be sure that all of your hard effort will pay off and make you happy (which in our opinion is real success). It is always important to begin with the end in mind and remember that having lots of money doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean that you have reached the top of the hierarchy.

Current versus future Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey. Unknown

In the last chapter we promised you a secret key to help you to crack the challenge of finding lasting fulfilment in life. That secret key is all to do with burgers – well, what else would it be! There are four types of burger in life. Let’s look at them in turn …

The ‘outside a nightclub’ burger You’ve had a great night out, it’s 2 a.m. and you stumble out of the nightclub with your rather merry friends. Then you get the munchies. And like a ray of light shining down in the car park, you see a van and tantalizing burger smells are wafting from it. You dig out what change you have left and purchase a burger, drooling at the mouth. You sink your teeth into it like a vampire. And then suddenly, you sober up and realize: The burger tastes awful (CURRENT) and it’s really unhealthy for you (FUTURE).

The ‘health farm’ burger You’re at a health farm that is lovely except for one thing. All your favourite foods – French fries, chocolate, biscuits, 19

cake, doughnuts – are well and truly banned. But like a glimmer of hope on the menu, amongst the rye bread and lentil soup, you spot a burger. You await your order with glee, until it turns up and you realize that it’s a pile of nasty, mashed-up beans with so much greenery it resembles a forest. The burger tastes awful (CURRENT) but at least it’s healthy for you (FUTURE).

The ‘fast food’ burger Have you ever had the craving for a fast food burger? Maybe it doesn’t happen very often, but when the thought strikes, you cannot rest until you have one … and we confess, it always turns into two hamburgers, large fries and a milkshake! The burger tastes yummy (CURRENT) but it’s really unhealthy for you (FUTURE).

The ‘homemade’ burger It’s a beautiful summer’s day and you are having a barbecue with your friends in your garden. While you’re enjoying the sun (wearing plenty of high factor sun cream), you have the pleasure of tucking into a tasty homemade burger, made of lean organic beef, with no preservatives, housed in a delicious granary bun with some fresh and crispy salad. The burger tastes yummy (CURRENT) and it’s healthy for you (FUTURE).

Imagine that the burger is an analogy for the way that people live their lives. The four types of burgers represent four types of people: ‘Outside a nightclub’ burger: people who are miserable now and aren’t working towards anything positive in the future. ‘Health farm’ burger: people who are miserable now but it will be worth it, because they are working hard towards success in the future. ‘Fast food’ burger: people who live for the moment and don’t mind that they aren’t building a firm foundation for a positive future. ‘Homemade’ burger: people who both enjoy their lives now and, through what they are doing, are building an exciting future. Try to think of a person you know who represents each type of burger. Which type of burger are you most like?

Failing to enjoy the journey Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar is the creator of the burger model (from which these analogies are inspired) and his teachings are extremely insightful. He explains that success is not a moment in time when you ‘arrive and are happy’. True success is about enjoying the journey towards a 21

destination that you deem to be valuable. It’s all about being a homemade burger. Tal Ben-Shahar became one of Harvard’s most popular lecturers. However, being a Harvard guru was not always his chosen career path and indeed his life story (including months of abstinence from eating junk food and craving burgers) has been highly influential in his teachings. Between the tender ages of 11 and 16, Ben-Shahar was involved in what he describes as a mental and physical battle with himself. His dream: to become the Israeli national squash champion. He had lived by the principle ‘no pain, no gain’, working tirelessly towards the moment that he would officially be ‘successful’ and reap the feelings of ecstasy associated with achieving this outstanding victory. And, at the age of just 16, his lofty ambition was realized. Ben-Shahar describes feelings of elation as he celebrated that night with his friends and family. Now ask yourself this question: if you have had to put your life on hold for five years, gruellingly working towards this immensely challenging goal, once you achieved it, how long would the elation last in return? Five years? One year? Six months? For Ben-Shahar, this feeling did not even last for 24 hours. On the very night of his victory, he felt crushed, not elated. This realization would change the course of his life forever, as well as the lives of many who read his books or listen to his fascinating lectures. Tal Ben-Shahar isn’t the only person to have felt like this. 22

Can you imagine what it must have been like to be the first person ever to reach the top of Mount Everest? What would you have thought? How would you have felt? Well, you may be surprised to hear that in an interview with Forbes, Sir Edmund Hilary himself recounts the fact that while standing on the top of the world, he instinctively glanced over to an unclimbed neighbouring peak, Mount Makalu, and began working out how to climb it. At the very moment of success, he was already looking for the next challenge.

Stepping into the rat-race Many people are caught up in the rat race of life. They are prepared to trade their emotional wellbeing in the present for the opportunity to achieve so-called ‘success’. They are constantly eating ‘health farm’ burgers, never allowing themselves to enjoy the here and now. And perhaps most worrying of all, this rat-race existence is exactly what we are taught by those who want the very best from us – our parents and teachers. Think back to when you were a child. Were you told, ‘If you study hard, then you’ll get good grades.’? Then when you got the good grades, were you told, ‘Keep studying away, if you do, you’ll get a good degree.’? Then when you graduated what were you told? ‘Just work hard for a few years to get a decent start in your career.’? If you did then the message became, ‘If you put long hours in then you’ll get promoted and be really successful.’ As you grow 23

a little older, have you been told, ‘Keep working, it’s worth it because you will build up a good pension and then you will be able to enjoy your retirement.’? We met a young lady called Hannah with whom this really resonated. She was in her mid-twenties and said that her parents lived by these values and had passed them on to her. They had previously seemed to make a lot of sense. Then, one day, as her father was working hard and just six weeks away from his well earned retirement, he died suddenly and without warning.

Choosing the right burger Goals can be a great way to find more success and fulfilment in your life. But what is absolutely critical is that you pick goals where you get genuine pleasure from working towards them, as well as from achieving them. Clearly there’s no point in aiming to be an ‘outside a nightclub’ burger – after all, who wants to be miserable and create a bad future for themselves? But, having learned about Hannah’s dad dying six weeks before his retirement, you might well ask yourself: ‘Should I just live for the moment? Maybe I should just forget about my career or saving for the future and go to travel the world and experience things and – to hell with being sensible!’ If you are thinking this, perhaps challenge yourself and think, ‘If I ate a junk food burger for three meals a day for the next year, how would I feel at the end of it?’ As we discussed in the previous chapter, the principle of hedonic 24

adaptation may kick in and something that was pleasurable could quickly lose its appeal. Also, think of the impact on your long-term health. By living for the moment, are you limiting your potential for good results in the future? We are advocating having your cake and eating it. You probably will enjoy your barbecued burger in the sun just as much (if not more) than a batch-cooked greasy burger wrapped in greaseproof paper (suddenly it doesn’t seem so appealing does it?). And at the same time, you can be working towards a future that you really want and that will bring you the success and happiness that you deserve. Think about a particular destination that you would like to arrive at in the future. In other words, a goal that would make you very happy upon achieving it. Now, on a scale of 1–10, rate how much you think that you could enjoy working towards that goal (1 being not at all, 10 being totally). Reflect: what have I learnt from this? Your aim: be confident that you have set yourself the right goal – something that you will both enjoy achieving AND working towards.

• E nsure what you are aiming for in life will be fulfilling. • Ensure that the journey you will take to achieve these aims is one you will enjoy. • Make sure, if you’re living a burger that doesn’t taste good, or that isn’t good for you in the future, that you find a way to order a better one.

Lasting, fulfilling success requires that you balance enjoyment at the current time with payoffs in the future. Wherever you can, choose a path that leads to you enjoying both the journey and the destination.

Related areas to this topic Some people find it hard to work out what they should aim for in life. If this is still the case for you, we recommend that you take time out to read more books on this topic, such as Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, The Power of Purpose by Richard Leider and Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman. These books will help you to gain an insight into where it’s valuable to focus your precious energy. The beginning of this book has concentrated on why it’s important to proactively seek to make the most out of your life. It has given you techniques to help you to verify that you have set yourself the right goals. It’s crucial that 26

your goals are actually worth the effort needed to achieve them. As we said previously, there is no point in successfully achieving the wrong goals in life. If you are confident that you know where you are headed, now is the time to get fired up. You are about to embark upon the exciting journey of achieving success.

Introducing Positive Psychology

Apart from having goals and dreams, there are some basic things that can really make a difference to our physical and emotional wellbeing, but we so often ignore them. These chapters from Introducing Positive Psychology look at three of them: nutrition, optimism and physical exercise.

Nutrition Food for thought Nutrition, like physical exercise, is rather peripheral in positive psychology, which doesn’t really acknowledge that the human body is an integrated system. This means that food and diet is usually considered more relevant to physical health than to psychological health. Although there still needs to be much more research linking nutrition to well-being and optimum functioning (the positives), there is growing empirical evidence which links what we eat to mental illnesses such as depression and behavioural problems such as ADHD and antisocial behaviour (the negatives). Whilst individual dietary advice can’t be provided in this chapter, it’s worth reviewing recent research and the basic rules of good nutrition. A diet lacking certain vitamins, minerals and fatty acids such as fish-oil based omega-3 can lead to depression, anxiety, poor concentration and mood swings, as well as increased aggression. In one study, vitamins and other vital nutrients were added to the otherwise very poor diets of young offenders at a maximum security institution. Researchers found that those who received the supplements committed 25 per cent fewer disciplinary offences in custody than those who had been given a placebo. What’s more, serious violent incidents in the prison were reduced by 40 per cent. Another study found that folic 30

acid supplementation significantly improved the cognitive functions that decline with age. Although it is fair to say that scientific tests of individual nutrients often fail to show any positive effect, this may be because they need to be consumed in conjunction with others, as part of a balanced diet. This would explain why there is scientific evidence that the Mediterranean diet is associated with better cognition. Poor physical health is often a sign that our eating habits need to be improved, and the same could be said of poor mental health. Many of us like to think that we eat healthily, but our memory can easily catch us out. When we record what we eat as we eat it, we’re often surprised, not only by what we eat, but when and how much. Food diary Experts often recommend that people who are hoping to make changes in their lives start by keeping an activity record. By maintaining a simple food diary in your well-being journal over a couple of days you’ll become much more aware of what you are eating, when, and how you feel about it. Once you have a good understanding of your eating habits, you’ll be in a better position to makes some positive changes. In your well-being journal, create a table with five columns as shown. Keep the food diary with you and fill it in for a couple of days. At the same time as recording what you eat and drink, it’s helpful to make a note of where you were, and who you 31

e.g. 7.30 am

Date/time 3 slices of white toast with butter and jam, 2 cups of black coffee

Food/drink consumed In the bedroom, whilst packing overnight bag for conference

Where

Alone

Who with

Feeling rushed, didn’t enjoy the food at all. Still felt hungry on the way to the airport.

Thoughts/feelings at the time

were with, as well as what you were thinking and feeling at the time. This may help you to recognize certain triggers or patterns of behaviour, which you weren’t previously unaware of. If these eating patterns and habits aren’t helpful, for example eating when you’re not hungry, eating the wrong types of food, eating too much, eating when you’re feeling stressed or anxious and so on, you can set goals to change them. Try to fill in the food diary as you go – this makes you more aware of what you’re doing as you do it. It’s also very easy to forget if you leave it till the end of the day. Whatever you do, make sure you’re honest with yourself.

What is a healthy diet? Diets like Atkins, GI or cabbage soup come and go, but one thing that hasn’t changed much in the past few decades is advice about what constitutes a healthy diet. A healthy diet should draw on all five major food groups: • Starchy carbohydrates such as bread, rice, pasta, cereals and potatoes • Fruit and vegetables • Protein, for example from meat, fish and eggs • Milk and dairy products • Fat and sugar. People are often told to have a ‘balanced diet’, but that doesn’t mean consuming an equal quantity of each food group. The UK’s National Health Service advises that your 33

daily diet should consist of about one third carbohydrates and one third fruit and vegetables. The remaining third should be split between protein and milk and dairy products, with only a very small amount of your daily intake coming from fatty or sugary foods. Eating a balanced diet means that youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re more likely to be getting all the essential vitamins and minerals without needing additional nutritional supplements. Before changing your diet, or if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re in doubt, you should speak to your GP or a registered dietician. There are some vitamins and minerals which, when theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re missing from your diet, can cause low mood and other psychological problems.

Mood-boosting vitamins and minerals Folic acid is found in liver, green vegetables, oranges and other citrus fruits, beans and yeast extract. Folic acid deficiency is linked with fatigue, confusion and irritability. Iron comes from red meat, dried fruit, lentils and most dark green leafy vegetables. Iron deficiency is linked to fatigue, irritability, apathy, inability to concentrate and increased depressive symptoms. Omega-3 from fatty fish, such as mackerel, is essential to the development and function of the brain, but often lacking in the modern diet. Omega-3 deficiency is thought to contribute to the increased incidence of depression and anxiety as well as a wide range of developmental and psychiatric conditions, including dyslexia, attention deficit hyperactivity 34

disorder (ADHD) and autism. Research suggests that omega-3 supplementation may have anti-depressant and mood-stabilizing effects. Note that plant-based omega-3 doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the same benefits, so check food labels. Vitamin B12 is found in meat, salmon, cod, milk, cheese, eggs and yeast extract. Severe vitamin B12 deficiency results in loss of memory, mental dysfunction and depression. Vitamin C can be found in peppers, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, oranges and kiwi fruit. In small studies, high-dose vitamin C supplements have been shown to reduce major depression. Selenium is present in Brazil nuts, fish, meat and eggs. Selenium is an important mood regulator; some studies have shown that selenium deficiency may increase depression and other negative moods. Zinc is found in meat, shellfish, milk, dairy foods such as cheese, bread and cereal products such as wheatgerm. Depression is a common symptom of zinc deficiency. If you do take food supplements, stick to the recommended dosage because some can be harmful if exceeded.

Processed foods One of the contributors to a poor diet and mental health issues is the consumption of processed and refined foods. Researchers at University College London found that eating 35

a diet high in processed food increases the risk of depression, whereas people eating plenty of vegetables, fruit and fish actually had a lower risk of depression.

Other food and drink to avoid To ensure that your diet is rich in vitamins and minerals, there are some foods and drinks which are best avoided, or consumed in small quantities. 1. Alcohol. Ironically, alcohol is a depressant, even though we often drink to make ourselves feel good! According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, alcohol causes more harm than illegal drugs like heroin and cannabis. Many of us drink responsibly, but many of us don’t. 2. Caffeine. Most people like their caffeine drinks for the buzz it gives them. What they probably don’t know is that caffeine only works because you get a withdrawal effect when you don’t drink it (such as overnight) which lowers alertness and mood, and decreases performance. Having another caffeine drink reverses these effects, but contrary to popular belief it doesn’t actually boost functioning to above your ‘normal’ levels. Some studies suggest that it can also increase anxiety in susceptible individuals. 3. Ready meals. Whilst some of these may look healthy, don’t be fooled by the labelling. Home-cooked food, free from preservatives and palate-pleasing added sugar, salt and fat, is usually a healthier option. 36

4. Fast food. Whilst some fast food outlets have improved the quality of their products, and offer healthy alternatives, this is not true of all of them. 5. Crisps. Did you know that the British eat more crisps and other savoury snacks per head than any other European country? Crisp consumption is estimated at 150 packets per person, per year. Crisps are full of hidden nasties such as fat, salt and sugar. Recently the British Heart Foundation campaigned to reduce the amount of crisps eaten by children because of the longterm health impact. 6. Fizzy drinks. Soft drinks are bad for your teeth as well as your blood pressure. 7. High glycaemic index (GI) foods. These include white rice, many breakfast cereals and cakes. These foods will give you instant energy but this doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t last, leaving you feeling hungry and very quickly searching for another snack. A little home cooking Have another look at your food diary. Can you tell roughly how much of your diet comes from processed and refined foods? Over the next week or so, try to alter the balance, so that you eat fewer pre-packaged foods and more raw fruit and vegetables and home-cooked foods. What difference do you notice in how you feel? Make notes in your well-being journal.

If you find this activity difficult, one great tip is to think ahead. Spend some time planning what you’ll eat for each meal in the coming week, and ensure you have all the necessary ingredients by consulting cookery books or online recipes. Write a shopping list and stick to it when you do the supermarket shop or order online. If you’re not used to cooking at home, it’s also a good idea to stick to quick and easy recipes first, to build up your confidence and skills. If you have kids, involve them in meal planning, shopping, food preparation and cooking. Even simple foods can taste fabulous when they’re homemade and you’ll soon be able to ditch the microwavable foods altogether and give Jamie Oliver a run for his money!

Having fun with food As well as eating, there are plenty of other ways to enjoy food. You could organize a meal with a difference for a small group of friends. Share the cost and the fun of preparation by asking each guest to contribute one dish – a starter, an accompaniment to the main course or a pudding. Having an overall regional theme, like Mexican, Greek or Indian will ensure that you end up with a table laden with complementary foods, rather than an ill-matched assortment. Or why not organize a ‘safari supper’ with some of your neighbours, where each course is prepared and eaten in a different house. Again, agreeing a food theme may help ensure that foods are agreeably co-ordinated, although you may prefer the surprise factor! This is also a fabulous 38

way to get to know your neighbours better and build your social connections. A third activity you can try in order to squeeze the maximum pleasure out of eating (or drinking) is to savour – taking the time to really enjoy a meal and the sensations that go with it. If you enjoy food, you might also explore the Slow Food movement, which promotes a greater enjoyment of food through a better understanding of its taste, quality and production. Thinking about the human body as an interconnected system means that we need to take into account the impact of what we eat on how we think and how we behave. Food is a fuel, not just for the body, but for the mind as well. • F ollow the guidelines from nutrition experts and eat a balanced diet. This will help maintain your physical and mental fitness. • If on reflection you believe you need nutritional supplements, consult your GP or a registered dietician. Always stick to the recommended dosage. • There are plenty of ways to have fun with food, from cooking and eating with friends and neighbours to savouring and Slow Food. • Whilst more scientific research is needed on the links between what we eat and drink and our mental health and well-being, there is sufficient evidence already to give us food for thought!

THINGS TO REMEMBER!

Optimism Are you a glass half-full or a glass half-empty person? If you’re a pessimist through and through, does it really matter? And if it does, can you do anything to change it? Positive psychology sometimes gets criticized for being only about positive thinking. As you’ll know from reading the other chapters in the book, there’s far more to it than that! Nevertheless, is the ability to ‘think positively’ a good thing? Firstly let’s look at the research. It turns out that whilst there are some downsides to being an optimist, they seem to be outweighed significantly by the benefits, which are both physical and psychological. In fact there are so many desirable characteristics linked to optimism that positive psychologist Chris Peterson dubbed it the ‘Velcro construct’ – everything sticks to it!

Benefits of optimism • Optimists suffer less anxiety, depression and distress than pessimists • Optimism is linked to more effective coping – optimistic people tend to deal with problems rather than avoid them and use more acceptance, humour and positive reframing • Optimism is associated with higher life satisfaction and increased well-being • Optimists have stronger immune systems and a lower cardiac risk 40

• Optimists recover from surgery more quickly and report a higher quality of life afterwards • Optimists adapt better to negative events in their lives, such as serious illness • Contrary to what you might think, optimists don’t stick their heads in the sand by, for example, ignoring the warning signs of illness • Optimists don’t give up easily even when faced with serious adversity, whereas pessimists are more likely to anticipate disaster and give up as a result • Optimists are more action-oriented when faced with problems, and more likely to accept the reality of a bad situation than pessimists. Now that we’ve established some of the many good points about being optimistic, can pessimists learn how to become more optimistic? Well, the answer from positive psychologists such as Martin Seligman is an unequivocal yes. Even if you were born with frown lines firmly etched on your forehead, you needn’t stay that way. So, how can we increase our optimism? Surely it’s not as easy as simply ‘thinking positively’? Well, you’re right, it turns out that there’s more to it that simply repeating positive affirmations. These probably won’t do you any harm (apart from wasting time), but they won’t do much good either. Scientific research points to other, more practical strategies which have been shown to make a difference to people in real life, for example, 41

reducing the risk of depression. Before we take a look at them, let’s see how optimistic and pessimistic thinking operates in practice.

Explanatory or attributional style One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of negative events and experiences to external, specific and transient factors, whereas pessimists do the opposite; they attribute their cause to internal, global and permanent factors. Before we look at a detailed example, try the following activity. Think of a negative event or experience you’ve had in your life, preferably something from which you’ve now bounced back. Spend 5 minutes writing down your explanation of what happened, and why, in your well-being journal. Now look at the example in the table. Can you identify your explanatory style? Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain good events and experiences. Optimists think about them as being personal, permanent and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite. 42

Is it pervasive?

Is it permanent?

Is it personal?

I’m a rubbish candidate and I’d be a rubbish employee! Subtext: Yes, there’s a global explanation which reflects badly on the rest of my life.

Subtext: No, there’s a very specific explanation for what went wrong.

Subtext: Yes, it’s permanent, things are always going to be like this.

The other candidates were stronger than me.

Subtext: No, it’s transient, things can change.

I’m never going to get a job.

Subtext: Yes, it was about me and something I did.

Subtext: No, it wasn’t about me or anything I did.

It was a one-off and I’ll be fine at the next interview.

I was stupid to take the car, I should have taken the train.

Pete the pessimist says …

It’s not my fault I was late for the interview, the traffic was terrible.

Olivia the optimist says …

Negative event: explaining why I didn’t get that job

Is it personal?

Is it permanent?

Is it pervasive?

I answered those interview questions brilliantly!

Olivia the optimist says …

Subtext: No, it wasn’t about me at all.

They asked me the right questions in the interview.

Pete the pessimist says …

Positive event: explaining why I got that job

Subtext: Yes, it was down to me and what I did.

Subtext: No, there’s a very specific explanation for this good news.

I know the right things to say in interviews.

I got the job because I’m always well- I was just lucky on the day. prepared for interviews. Subtext: No, things won’t stay this Subtext: Yes, things will always be like way. this. I’m a very talented person. Subtext: Yes, there’s a global explanation which reflects well on the rest of my life.

So, now that we have a good understanding of how optimists and pessimists think, and have identified our own explanatory style, how do we go about learning to be more optimistic?

The art of disputing If you’re prone to thinking the worst about yourself, other people and the world in general, maybe now’s the time to consider changing. One very effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing. Think of a negative thing that happened to you in the past. Try to look at it again with a fresh pair of eyes. How else might the event or experience be interpreted? There are many ways of disputing negative beliefs.

Ask yourself the following: 1a. What is the evidence for your negative explanation or belief? 1b. What counter-evidence can you think of that suggests it isn’t true? It’ll be very easy to think of evidence which supports your initial explanation, and more difficult to think of evidence 45

against. Persevere, and if needs be, ask a friend or colleague to help you. 2. Brainstorm as many alternative optimistic explanations for this event or experience as you can think of. Set yourself a challenge to think of 3, 5 or even 10. It may help you to think in terms of external, temporary and specific causes. Don’t allow yourself to be side-tracked into justifying why these alternatives aren’t true! Again, ask for support from a friend or colleague if you get stuck. 3. Now think about the implications of the negative event or experience. Firstly identify and describe the worst thing that could possibly happen as a result. Ask yourself how likely this is on a scale of 1–10. Ask yourself what action you could take to improve this dire situation. Secondly, identify and describe the best thing that could possibly happen. Finally, ask yourself what is the most likely thing to happen. The chances are that by looking at the problem from all angles, you arrive at a more realistic explanation of the event in question. At this point it’s worth stressing that you need to use your common sense, since there are situations where optimistic thinking should never be used. If the worst that could happen really is a disaster, do not ignore it! For example, do

not be optimistic about needing to get the brakes repaired on your car. 4. Now consider which of the explanations or beliefs from step 3 is most useful to you in terms of keeping you motivated, achieving your goals, and creating and maintaining good mood. Reflect on how an alternative, more optimistic explanation of the negative event energizes you and leaves you feeling much more upbeat. 5. Martin Seligman suggests one final, practical step in this transformation from negative to positive thinking, which is to make an action plan, focusing on what you can do to improve the situation should the best, worst or most likely scenarios occur. This, he says, is essential in order to avoid feelings of helplessness and to get you back in the driverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s seat. After you have worked through steps 1â&#x20AC;&#x201C;5 above, take a further 15 minutes to make an action plan, writing notes in your well-being journal.

But is optimism always good and pessimism always bad? Research has found that there is a type of pessimist who doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t benefit from learning how to be optimistic and

being in a positive mood. This person is called the ‘defensive pessimist’. Defensive pessimists use the expectation that things will turn out badly as a coping mechanism: they perform better when they’re allowed to imagine what could go wrong and keep hold of their low expectations. Defensive pessimism helps anxious people manage their anxiety, and contrary to what you might think, trying to be optimistic actually makes their performance worse!

THINGS TO REMEMBER!

• T here are a great many physical and emotionalbenefits associated with being optimistic.

• Pessimists can learn to become more optimistic, for example by challenging negative trains of thought. • You can reduce the risk of depression by learning optimism. • When challenging negative thinking, if the worst thing that could happen really is a catastrophe, don’t ignore it. • Defensive pessimists, though, are better off continuing to expect the worst because this helps them manage their anxiety.

Physical exercise Not exercising is like taking depressants. Tal Ben Shahar

Many of us give up the habit of doing regular physical exercise after we leave school or college, and rarely give it a second thought unless weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re trying to lose weight. Even though the connection between a healthy mind and a healthy body has been made since ancient times, the benefits of physical exercise for psychological health have often been overlooked. Now there is growing interest in the scientific community about the link between physical and mental fitness, as well as empirical evidence pointing towards the many mental health benefits of regular exercise. Probably the best known research on this topic is a study into the link between exercise and depression. The research participants, who were all suffering from depression, were divided into three groups. The first group was prescribed anti-depressants, the second aerobic exercise, and the third a combination of anti-depressants and exercise. Four months later, for the majority of participants their depression had improved. But the real surprise was that after 10 months, 38 per cent of those in the anti-depressants group and 31 per cent from the combination group (anti-depressants plus exercise) had relapsed, whereas only 9 per cent of those who did exercise alone became 49

depressed again. These results suggest that physical exercise is a very powerful way to deal with certain mental illnesses and to maintain good mental health. Ideally, exercise needs to be fun and varied to keep you motivated – jogging the same route every few days will soon become tedious and your motivation will plummet. • Find different forms of exercise that you enjoy and try to alternate them • Consider a mix of individual, partner and team exercise – swimming, jogging, cycling and dancing call be done individually, with a buddy or as part of a team • Look online to see what local clubs are near you. If your self-control isn’t strong, being part of a group can help to increase your commitment and motivation • Think outside the box. A 30-minute rapid walk with the dog every day will be just as good as a formal exercise regime. So will playing football with your kids in the park regularly. You don’t have to choose a traditional form of exercise like swimming or squash. Anything which raises your heartbeat, such as Zumba, skipping or dry-slope skiing, can improve your physical fitness.

Benefits of physical exercise Of course, lack of exercise is a factor in the obesity epidemic in many parts of the world. Obesity carries with it numerous 50

physical health issues, as well as contributing to lower mood. In the UK in 2007 a government commissioned study predicted that if no action was taken, 60 per cent of men, 50 per cent of women and 25 per cent of children would be obese by the year 2050. Exercise is important for a healthy heart, reducing high blood pressure, maintaining a healthy weight and developing strong bones and muscles. Recent research suggests that aerobic exercise helps to create new brain cells (neurogenesis) in the areas of the brain which are known to shrink when people have mood problems. This is the case even in older adults; a recent study suggests that mental well-being in later life can be improved through exercise and physical activity. In 2005 a research team at the University of Illinois found that elderly people (average age 67) who were physically active also had more active brains, better mental skills and better memory than those who weren’t physically active. Researchers then divided a group of elderly people into two groups, one which participated in an aerobic exercise programme, and one which didn’t. They found that those who exercised increased their brain density compared with those who didn’t. Apart from helping create new brain cells, can physical exercise help us in other ways? Psychology research suggests that it is also linked to: • Enhanced body image, self-esteem and self-perceptions • Improved sleep patterns • Reduced emotional distress and increased well-being 51

• Reduced depression • Reduced stress • Increased general health. In one study, as little as 5 minutes a day of light resistance training (such as knee extensions and flexions using air resistance equipment) resulted in an increase in the subjective physical well-being of office-workers. Additionally there is evidence that physical exercise becomes more rewarding over time and reinforces positive feelings, which leads to better mental well-being. The many advantages associated with physical exercise mean that it’s too important to leave out of any discussion about mental health, happiness and well-being. If you do nothing else with your spare time, at least devote some of it to physical exercise. And if you’re very new to physical exercise, check your level of health and fitness with your GP first.

The invisible benefit? So why do we dread putting on our jogging shoes or donning our swimsuit when we know that we’ll feel so much better at the end? New research suggests that people significantly underestimate how much they’ll enjoy a good workout. It doesn’t seem to matter what sort of exercise it is either – the research looked at individual and team activities, including yoga, pilates, aerobic exercise and weight training. The reason we aren’t good at forecasting our positive emotions is that we put more focus on the beginning 52

of the workout, which typically feels more unpleasant, than we do on the middle or the end of it. In order to overcome this hurdle and at the same time increase your intention to take more exercise, researchers suggest several ways of enhancing your expected enjoyment. The first is to increase the positivity of the very beginning of an exercise routine. So, perhaps if you have a range of different exercises in your workout, do the one you enjoy most first. Another idea to make the beginning of your routine feel more pleasant is to play your all-time favourite music at the start. The third suggestion is to focus your attention in detail on the enjoyment and satisfaction you’ll feel in the middle and during the cool-down phase, to counteract the unpleasant emotions you feel at the beginning.

Increasing your will-power At this point it’s worth mentioning that a little self-discipline goes a long way when it comes to physical exercise! If you’re one of those people who doesn’t own a tracksuit and only wears trainers as a fashion statement, then you may be interested to hear that your willpower is itself a bit like a muscle – not only does it get stronger with practice, it can also be overused! So, ‘little and often’ would seem to be the best way to start out if you’re new to regular physical exercise and fear 53

your self-control may not last as long as your energy drink. Establish an exercise goal which contains smallish, doable steps, rather than setting the bar too high. This way you’ll be increasing your willpower as well as your muscle-power as you walk, swim or dance your way to fitness.

Self-control – more bang for your bucks There is one other interesting characteristic of self-control which is relevant here, and that is that developing selfcontrol in one domain of your life can help improve your self-control in other areas. In one study participants who performed a two-month programme of physical exercise (including weightlifting, resistance training, and aerobics) became more successful at reducing their cigarette smoking, use of alcohol, consumption of caffeine and junk food, impulsive spending and TV viewing, and they ate more healthily, studied more and even did more washing up. Whilst doing more physical exercise might explain the change to a healthier diet and lifestyle, no-one is suggesting that it’ll also turn you into a paragon of domestic virtue! Researchers explain this result by suggesting that improvingyour self-regulation can be beneficial across the board. So that’s another good reason for creating a workable physical exercise routine and sticking to it!

Getting started The four cheapest forms of exercise are walking, running, swimming and cycling. They’re also easy to organize in that, by and large, you can do them when you want. You can also enjoy them alone, with a partner or even as part of a group. As with all exercise routines, if you are very overweight, have a history of health problems or are currently recovering from surgery, you should consult your GP first. Walking is a great ‘starter’ activity if you are new to exercise and need to improve your initial level of physical fitness. It’s low impact, but a brisk ‘power walk’ up and down hills will provide some aerobic exercise and improve your heart and lung functioning, as well as burning around 100 calories in 15–20 minutes. Walking can be easily incorporated into your daily routine, whether that’s walking to the local newsagent, taking the kids to school or walking the dog. If you normally take public transport to work, get off one or two stops early and walk the rest of the way. If you work in an office, take the stairs rather than the lift. And try to incorporate a brisk walk into your lunch break. Running (or jogging) is another easy and relatively cheap form of aerobic exercise, though running experts recommend you invest in a good pair of running shoes. Start with a warm up, such as walking at a brisk pace first before you run. If you’ve never run before, aim to run for about 10 minutes at a time, interspersed with brisk walking. With practice you should aim to run for about 30 minutes at a 55

time before walking. Depending on speed and terrain, running burns between 300 and 600 calories per hour. If you get bored easily, run with a partner so that you can chat as you go, or take along your iPod and listen to your favourite music or a podcast as you run. Swimming is a great form of exercise because it’s low impact, so it doesn’t put any stress on your joints, but at the same time it tones your whole body. If you swim fast enough it can also provide a good aerobic workout, as well as helping you burn around 300–500 calories per hour. One of the great benefits of swimming is that you can go at your own speed. Try swimming a couple of lengths against the clock before doing a few more at a leisurely pace. Record how many lengths you do each time you swim and aim to increase the number of lengths, or maintain the number and swim faster. Many municipal pools offer reductions for swimming off-peak so it needn’t be an expensive outlay. Why not see if work colleagues fancy a splash during the lunch break – even 30 minutes of swimming can leave you feeling refreshed and full of vitality. Cycling, like swimming, doesn’t put any pressure on joints, so it’s a very good form of exercise for those with joint problems. Cycling at a pace which leaves you breathing heavily but not out of breath will burn off about 300–500 calories an hour, so it’s a great way to lose weight too. Cycle regularly to and from the shops to make small purchases, rather than doing a big shop once a week. Or you could even try cycling to and from work. The Bike2Work scheme 56

allows employees to buy cycles and cycling equipment at a reduced cost; why not persuade your employer to join? Many towns have cycling clubs which do regular weekend outings of varying lengths – see if yours has one, and if it doesn’t why not set one up? It helps increase your motivation if you record your exercise progress, log how long you exercised for and, crucially, how good you felt afterwards. Keep a record in your well-being journal.

THINGS TO REMEMBER!

• P hysical exercise is a very effective way to lift mood in the short term and improve well-being over the long term.

• Exercise is cheap, if not completely free. • The physical and mental health benefits of exercise are very wide-ranging and include increased self-esteem, better sleep, improved brain function and reduced stress and depression. • You can improve your intention to exercise by focusing on how good you’ll feel during your workout and afterwards, rather than focusing on how you’ll feel at the start. • Exercising with a friend or as part of a team can increase your commitment, and decrease the chance that you’ll drop out if the going gets tough. • You can also improve and expand your willpower by exercising it!

Introducing Ethics for Everyday Life

Life isn’t much fun without other people, but often we take the relationships we have with those closest to us for granted. These two chapters from Introducing Ethics for Everyday Life invite you to consider what friendship and romantic love really mean, backed up by the work of some philosophical heavyweights. The ‘Q’ and ‘R’ features you will see in these chapters stand for ‘question’ and ‘response’; ‘response’ because there are no absolute, hard and fast answers in ethics.

Friendship Epicureans Most people would say that someone without any friends is sad, lonely and not a very ‘good person’ – meaning that they aren’t fully ‘human’ in Aristotle’s sense. They wouldn’t achieve their full potential. They wouldn’t flourish. The philosopher Epicurus (341–270 BC) wrote about friendship. By this time, Athens had declined, and there was little point in discussing what it meant to be a committed citizen in a democratic city state. Athens had become an insignificant town in a hugely powerful empire. Only the private individual remained. So the good life had nothing to do with being a citizen. The Epicureans withdrew from public life altogether and spent their days with like-minded friends, pursuing a life of happiness in their own houses and gardens. The ‘garden philosophers’ engaged in endless discussions about religion, death, pleasure and friendship. They agreed with Aristotle that a happy individual is one who is moderate in all things – enjoying both mental and physical pleasures, but not dominated by them. They valued friendships of all kinds. They thought that being a friend is good for you: it makes you a happier person, but also a better one. It helps 60

you to become more tolerant and sympathetic than you might otherwise be. The good life was now about talking to your friends, surrounded by flowers and trees. Philosophers like Epicurus had to think about personal survival in a world where the individual counted for little and had no political say. In some ways it was a bit like how our lives are now – coping with a world of large impersonal governments and mysterious and powerful corporations. All we little people can do is work out how to live our lives as best we can.

Friendship and love So what is friendship? The Greeks, as always, had a word for it. It’s not agape – the love that God has for us and that we are supposed to have for all humanity. It’s not eros either – I don’t have sexual relationships with my friends. The word we need is philia, which means something like affection. Love and friendship aren’t quite the same. Friendship is psychological, not physical. And love, alas, is all too often unrequited, whereas friendship isn’t – it can’t really exist if it’s not reciprocated. Friendship has to be mutual, and it implies a degree of unselfish concern for someone else. Friendship helps us to develop a sense of empathy – using 61

our imagination to put ourselves in our friends’ shoes. It enables us to relate to people with lifestyles and views different to our own. But friendship isn’t just a training ground. Friendship also gives us pleasure and enjoyment as well as benefiting us in other ways (especially if our friend is a plumber). However, if a friendship exists only because it benefits us personally, then perhaps it’s a lesser kind of relationship. Kant would say that friends have to be ends in themselves, not means. Friendship has ‘intrinsic’, not mere ‘instrumental’ worth. Most of my friends are caring parents. Some of them believe that they can be friends with their children. But the parent–child relationship is unequal – the parent can tell a child to eat cabbage and go to bed at 8.00pm. A child can’t reciprocate, so the relationship is unequal, and so it can’t really be called a friendship. Friends are usually ‘equal’ in the sense that one isn’t greater or lesser than the other.

What is friendship? Friendship involves mutual caring. Philosophers would call it a necessary condition for friendship to exist at all. No caring, no friendship. You’re sympathetic to your friends, you’re committed to them, you’re prepared to help them, you enjoy their successes and regret their failures. You want 62

them to be happy. They’re valuable because of the specific qualities they possess. You laugh at their jokes, you’re more or less as intelligent as they are, you share a kind of ‘dialect’ built up over time. Do people consciously choose their friends, or do friendships just happen? Friendships just seem to happen. There are some peopleyou find it easy to get along with, and some that you don’t. ‘Choosing’ a friend seems a bit calculating, perhaps. Sometimes friends change – they get married, for instance, and you have to cope with their new values and interests. If the change is drastic, then the friendship may shift from ‘close’ to ‘casual’. So the relations of friendship are unlike those of family. I can let friendship lapse but I can’t stop being a son or brother. Friendship also requires work. You need to be patient and flexible. Friends can bore you rigid with their new enthusiasms and fads. Sometimes you can mock them gently, at other times you have to simulate an interest. It’s a good idea to be conciliatory if you offend them in some way and be prepared to accept criticism yourself. You have to be tolerant when they’re being impossible. You have to spend time with them and communicate your own ideas and views as well. 63

Friendships are between equals. So don’t be a doormat. It’s a good idea to be assertive but not aggressive and to avoid too much personal abuse. Friends can be very demanding but are also very good value – you learn how to be patient, flexible, empathetic, diplomatic, and open to new ideas.

Close friendships, trust and sharing So what is close friendship? One obvious feature is that you’re prepared to confide in a close friend. You tell them stuff you wouldn’t tell anyone else. So friendship involves trust. You trust in your friends’ feelings of goodwill towards you. You wouldn’t make yourself vulnerable to someone who was merely an acquaintance. You also tend to trust your friend’s judgement – they know how to keep quiet, and when to advise. What if your friend told your secrets to someone else? Could you ever be friends with them again? Friendships rely on trust, so it would be hard to forgive a friend who didn’t keep a secret. But then if the secret was rather trivial and your tolerance levels high, then you could forgive them. But I wouldn’t tell them a secret again if I were you.

There’s also more to friendship than keeping secrets. • • • •

You share ideas, values, attitudes, beliefs. You agree about what is important and valuable in life. You agree on what is good, pleasant and attractive. You share ways of thinking.

Aristotle thought that close friends would usually agree on the best ways to live a life, and about what counted as fulfilment and happiness. This is often why friendship leads to shared activities. Friends just enjoy each other’s company. They share experiences and talk about them. These interactions may often be quite frivolous and unproductive. It’s the sharing that counts. And not just secrets but also ideas, actions, emotions, pleasures and achievements. So, provided you take your friends’ views, beliefs and values seriously, you aren’t obliged to share them all. The same goes for your friend. Nevertheless, no one would deny that sharing makes friendship less like work or some kind of duty. As always, Aristotle thought it was usually a question of balance and moderation. So you and your friends tend to agree about politics, current events, art, music, sport and so on, most of the time. But sometimes it’s possible to have a friend whose ideas and values are radically different to yours. It’s also quite possible to share many values and beliefs with people who are not, and never could be, your friends.

Mutual influence It’s often been said that married people tend to end up looking like each other. Similarly, friends can influence each other’s ideas, tastes and beliefs. They become ‘another self’, according to Aristotle. Complete agreement about everything may not always be a good thing, though. We obviously like it when our prejudices and grumbles are reinforced, but we should also be forced to re-examine them. If your friend challenges your habit of smoking cannabis, you’re forced to re-evaluate your tastes and examine your ideas and beliefs, and so you come to know yourself rather better. So friendship may function a bit like therapy in this respect. Most friendships will be good for you, but not all. Your friend may be a keen gardener, or she may be an enthusiastic gambler. Perhaps we should say that a true friend always has your long-term interests at heart. I’d stick with the gardener. You have to invest some care for yourself and your own values. You want to remain an autonomous individual. You don’t want to be swamped by the ideas of somebody else, however dear to you they are. It’s an alliance, not a complete takeover.

Flourishing Friendship can also change you for the better. Your friend insists that you go to the opera, and wants you to share her love for country dancing and detective fiction. You find that you really enjoy opera and detective fiction and so become a more interested and interesting person. You flourish more thanks to your friendship. Sometimes a friend can even have a moral role, when they force you to re-evaluate your beliefs and prejudices. We believe that our friends will tell us the truth most of the time, so we listen to what they say. Friends can also be a useful sounding board – we can test out our new ideas, relationships, activities and plans on them. However, be warned. Most of us are prepared to go along with our friends’ harmless self-deceptions. Everyone likes to think that they’re more attractive, intelligent, funny and wise than they probably are. No one would want a friend who was rigorously truthful at all times. This raises the question of honesty. Could we put up with a friend who was always brutally honest? Perhaps we all need some delusions to remain cheerful. We don’t expect our friends to be our moral guardians. We might be more ready to accept criticism from disinterested parties like a psychological counsellor or a life coach. It’s 67

not easy. It would depend, most of us would say. And country dancing – are you serious?

Friendship and communities So why is friendship so important to us, as human beings? Why are we happy to devote time and resources to it? Aristotle would say that having friends is part of our nature. We can’t flourish without them. Friends enhance our lives as individuals. But, like families, they also help to make us part of a community. Families join together to do something about the graffiti on the walls outside the local school. Friends volunteer to distribute party leaflets at election time, or help to maintain a local football ground. They talk endlessly about each other and their social life on Facebook. If we have friends we can feel that we are part of a community, not isolated from the world. Friendships also benefit society as a whole. A Utilitarian would see how friends care for each other. This increases the well-being of all, in small amounts. And if the habit of friendship leads to greater cohesion in community life, then that’s even more ‘happiness’ being created and spread around. Millionaires tend to congregate in gangs because they feel less awkward that way. Could a millionaire and a bricklayer ever be true friends? If not, why not?

The millionaire and the bricklayer could be friends, but it would always be a rather awkward relationship. Friendships, alas, tend to be between people who are more or less equal, and that obviously includes levels of affluence.

Is friendship moral? Friendships usually have a history. This means that friends share a sense of ‘belonging’ – partly because they have adapted to each other’s thought processes and habits over time. This makes them unique to us. Because of this shared past they cannot be ‘exchanged’ for similar individuals. If a friend suffers from depression or becomes an alcoholic, we don’t think about swapping them for someone else. Strangely, this poses a major problem for moral theories. For Aristotle, friendship is moral because it enables individuals and communities to help each other to flourish. So we can be a good person and a friend. The two are mutuallysupportive. There’s no problem here. But Kantians and Utilitarians tend to focus on impartial and objective behaviour. They say we must treat all individuals in the same way. Everyone is equal because everyone is a human being. No one gets special treatment. Let’s imagine a scenario where you might have to put this to the test.

There are two people drowning in the river. One is your friend Liz, and the other is a famous brain surgeon. Your friend is a shop assistant. What should you do? Kant offers us no help. It’s our duty to save lives. But there’s only one lifebelt. A Utilitarian would, I’m afraid, recommend that we save the brain surgeon. He will save hundreds of future lives, and that will produce a lot of happiness. Your friend Liz, well, she helps people to buy nice clothes, but it’s not like she’s going to save many lives. It’s not much of a contest. But friends are special to us. We’d probably throw the lifebelt to Liz and hope that the surgeon was a good swimmer. Friendship makes us subjective and partial, and we don’t think much about ‘ends’ when we see our friends in trouble. We feel obligated to them in ways that are not necessarily moral. So is there something wrong with us, or with these moral systems? Here are some more questions and possible responses on friendship. Some of the holiest of the Christian saints were friendless hermits. Were they good men?

Can hermits be good? Yes, say Christians. They get closer to God. No, says Aristotle. They can’t possibly flourish in the absence of all human company.

Is it only human to feel resentment at a friend’s success? Or would you never feel that way? We’re all sometimes envious of a friend’s success. But it’s not something we should be proud of. Try to suppress it and be glad for your friend. He might take you out for dinner to celebrate.

Do you feel that your friends have changed your tastes, values or beliefs in some way? Have these changes made you a more interesting person? How? I have been changed by my friends. I listen to jazz music with more enjoyment. I know more about archaeology. I bought a bicycle, and fully intend to ride it more. I’m learning to play the ukulele. Thanks, guys.

How many friends would you forgive if they rang you up at 3.00am? There are about three friends I could forgive if they rang me at 3.00am. How about you?

‘I don’t really feel I’m part of a community. I hardly know anyone who lives round here. My community is my friends.’ Do you feel like this? Is there anything wrong about it? Could you do anything to change it? Would it be worth your while? A lot of people now think of their ‘community’ as non-geographical. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be neighbourly as well. Good neighbours can become good friends, according to a popular Australian soap.

Are Facebook friends real friends? How many Facebook friends do you have? How many close friends? Are they different? How? Some young people I know have 500 or more Facebook ‘friends’, which seems a bit odd to me. How can you possibly form deep and lasting relationships with so many people? Isn’t Facebook devaluing the word ‘friendship’ rather? It might be better to think of Facebook friends as ‘acquaintances’ perhaps. Nothing wrong with that, in theory, but in practice it might offend some individuals who overestimate your feelings for them. I can see the problem. Plato thought that you have to meet friends face to face and engage with them in all sorts of ways: physical exercise, games, political discussion, drinking and laughing. I sort of agree. But then I’ve only got seven 72

Facebook friends and perhaps Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m just jealous. And Plato didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have broadband, after all. Nevertheless, it seems to me that real physical friends that you can touch are more valuable than ones you can only make contact with electronically.

You need friends.

Romantic love Love is important (but not very philosophical) Most of us fall in love at some time or other, and there are innumerable novels, plays, songs and poems about the triumphs and tragedies of it all. Love is very important to us – it determines how we think and behave. It has a large say in who we are and who we become. Some say it has a spiritual and ethical element that simple lust lacks. How do we know when we’re in love? It’s an emotion that seems self-evident to us. But it’s a private phenomenon, not something we can describe literally or explain clearly. How could it ever be made logical, proved or disproved, made moral or immoral? All’s fair in love and war, after all. You can see why it’s a problem for philosophers.

Courtship and culture There are many unwritten cultural rules governing romance. Traditionally, love involves an active man ‘courting’ a woman who initially feigns indifference. This makes courtship a minefield of potential misunderstandings and embarrassment. Women supposedly exist in a state of passive ‘readiness’ although they can often give their chosen young man a friendly nudge or two. Love can also be instantaneous. Many young men still maintain that they intuitively ‘knew’ straight away that they

would eventually marry that girl they saw ‘across a crowded room’. Do you believe in love at first sight? Infatuation and lust at first sight is one thing. Love seems to be something else.

Can you ever choose to be in love? Love doesn’t seem to be something that you can choose. It would be like choosing a belief. You either believe or you don’t. It’s an involuntary affair. Love can also become obsessive, a kind of illness. Love can be immensely destructive. It can destroy marriages, damage children, lead to suicidal despair. Go to the opera and see. So romantic love is still partly ‘cultural’, and society still frowns on promiscuous women, because society remains patriarchal – men have more economic and political power. But many women now are economically independent and less cowed by male expectations. Bold girls ask boys out on dates and don’t expect to receive long poems devoted

to their purity and beauty. We have more freedom, more partners, so we learn more about power, insecurity, and the complexities of relationships. But unrequited love can still feel pretty awful.

Is love just physical? As well as being partly cultural, romantic love is obviously also very ‘natural’. Sexual desire is something inbuilt, as natural a drive as hunger or thirst. Falling in love produces major chemical events in our bodies that stimulate the brain’s pleasure centres to make us happy and excited, even slightly mad. This is because nature wants us to perpetuate our genes and mix them up, and falling in love is the beginning of this process. Men generally look for partners who are young and beautiful, and women like men who are handsome. But women are also looking for security, status and reliability. They need partners who will protect them and their mutual offspring until their own children are potential parents. This may be why women are, superficially anyway, more reluctant to have relationships with many men, and men are more promiscuous. But there’s more to love than mere procreation. People gravitate towards each other for all sorts of reasons: 76

compassion, friendship, sympathy, a wish to belong, fear of loneliness, feelings of insecurity and inferiority, egotism and other feelings, both good and bad.

Mature love – the end of romance? It’s difficult to know how much culture or nature determines men’s and women’s romantic behaviour – because it’s a confusing muddle of both. Romantic love is a complicated mix of powerful innate drives and social, cultural and historical conventions that still channel our instincts into codes of behaviour that society prefers. Is there any way of telling whether a relationship will last? How can you possibly tell whether a relationship will last? Like most things in life, it’s a gamble. But many of us have been physically attracted to someone whom we subsequently found to be dull, irritable, trivial, obsessive, or merely unpleasant. So it’s a good idea to think about character as well as looks. There’s more to love in the long term than infatuation. If we’re like most people, then passion will eventually become a less urgent affair, still ‘romantic’ but also more conscious and less determined by physical desires. Our relationship will be moderated by mutual respect and

empathy. Both parties realize that it’s wise to let their partners be themselves and not some idealized better half. It sounds duller, but it has its merits. There’s more openness perhaps, and more negotiation. This may be a good thing, it may not. It may make us happy and content, it may not. It will depend on the people involved. Lovers can’t be friends. Do you agree? This is a rather cynical view of love. It implies that lovers don’t really know much about each other and don’t go in for all the things mentioned in the previous chapter on friendship, like trust, sharing, commitment and flourishing. Love does seem more volatile and dangerous than friendship, though, especially in its early stages. The pessimistic philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788– 1860) thought that romantic love would often end badly, regardless of who we are. At the time, we all think that there’s nothing more important than love. It will make us happy for ever. But, alas, says Schopenhauer, love is merely nature’s trick to get us to procreate. We think that there’s more to it than that, but there isn’t. We fall in love with people who, subconsciously, we believe will smooth out all of our bad qualities when we have children. I’m tall and have a big nose, so I will look for someone smaller with a

small nose. And when we’ve had children and raised them, well, that’s us finished with. Why should an involuntary biological drive have anything to do with our own personal happiness? Father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud (1856–1939) agreed with much of this and thought that being married came with a high price tag. We have to suppress our more irrational and destructive desires in order to live in an orderly and rational society. This can keep us safe, but it may also make us miserable.

Love and the philosophers Some philosophers have asked if romantic love makes you a better person. When we are loved we feel valued and special. We like ourselves more, we become more confident. Love may begin with storms of uncontrollable emotion, but it can, eventually, be good for us, even make us better people. Perhaps. But love also interferes with the autonomy of individuals. When we’re desperately in love, we’re less ‘free’. So does that make love a bad thing? Socrates thought that sexual passion was something we share with animals, and so of little worth. Love was no more than a rather inferior response to an individual’s physical 79

beauty. Fortunately this develops into a more spiritual awareness of someone’s soul, and finally an appreciation of ‘Beauty’ itself. Socrates doesn’t have much to say about sharing or companionship, though. In Plato’s Symposium (a kind of drinks party and talking shop) Aristophanes suggests that lovers were, in a previous life, one hermaphroditic person, which explains why they’re so happy to be reunited, returning to a single, shared mystical soul. This idea of a ‘union of souls’ is common. Somehow two different people become a new entity, one person. Distinctions between your interests and my interests become blurred. Love involves a sharing of identity, emotions, values and beliefs. It offers an escape from the isolation and loneliness of the self that most of us feel some of the time. So we allow another person to change us in all sorts of ways. It’s powerful stuff, love. This is why, when a relationship ends, a lot of people feel that they have lost an important part of themselves.

Love and empathy A mutual life inevitably involves a certain loss of freedom, a greater degree of compromise, decisions becoming shared. This new blurring of identity worries some philosophers. The loss of independence and individual uniqueness seems too high a price to pay. It’s as if one person is ‘colonizing’ another.

Other philosophers point out that a close union may instead lead to a greater degree of empathy. Identifying totally with someone else and making the effort of the imagination that this requires is a key component of moral goodness. By identifying with one other person we subsequently learn how to identify with many others. We become more understanding and much kinder. Romantic love eventually makes us happier, more sociable and so better citizens. Aristotle thought that love and marriage form a platform for our ultimate aim of flourishing. Even Schopenhauer thought that it was the illusion of romantic love that prevented many of us from behaving badly.

Reciprocity Some philosophers think that this notion of a union of two souls is too mystical or even undesirable. Who wants to be no more than a part of someone else? Surely love is just mutually beneficial? You identify with your partner when they’re happy or sad, disappointed or elated, but you and they remain separate entities. This sounds more down-toearth and sensible, but that doesn’t mean it’s a better way of defining love. A romantic partnership may also be unequal. It’s not always easy to recognize the difference between concern

and domination. Aristotle thought that a relationship could become distorted when one person was ruled over by the other or the love was too one-sided. Relationships can easily become unequal. True love should be reciprocal, but between equals. Can you fall in love with someone you don’t trust? I think you probably can. But it might be unwise.

Love improves you Those of us who have been in love probably feel that someone who has never experienced love is somehow diminished – but then perhaps they can also cope with loneliness better than we can. Does love make you more, or less, selfish? Sometimes love makes you selfish, sometimes it makes you more generous. I don’t think there’s an answer to this question. Do you? Aristotle thought that love gave us a better sense of ourselves: our partners can be more objective about us and so

helpful to us – wiser about us than we are ourselves. This may be true, but love can also be a kind of ‘mutual egoism’ – lovers like to tell each other how beautiful and intelligent they are, after all. Why would such a gorgeous and clever person choose you? Well, obviously, because you’re a paragon of wonderfulness yourself! So who’s going to tell you the objective truth? Perhaps your lover, who has your best interests at heart? Or perhaps not your lover, worried about damaging the eggshell of your frail little ego. Better to ask people who don’t love you. They may give you better advice and point out your moral failings. But that’s enough cynicism. Love may not make us wiser or better people. Most of us still want to believe that being loved increases our sense of well-being, reduces stress, increases our longevity, and adds our little world of happiness to those huge sums that Jeremy Bentham spoke about. And it’s not something that’s ever going to disappear from human life. So good luck. I hope you have found, or will find, ‘the real thing’. Love is good for you, if you’re lucky.

Introducing Psychology of Relationships

Looking at relationships philosophically can help you appreciate them and realise what it is you value in them. However, that may not be much help when dealing with the day-to-day challenges that you face when sharing your life with another person. The next two chapters, taken from Introducing Psychology of Relationships, look at some of the practicalities of sustaining a healthy relationship, focusing on two important (and related) aspects: intimacy andÂ sex.

Knowing me, knowing you Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else. Brad Meltzer

If you asked a cross-section of people to name the main ingredients for a successful relationship, it is reasonable to assume that intimacy would figure high up on most lists. But what do we really mean by intimacy? For many of us it is a slightly nebulous ideal to which we aspire but which often appears to elude us for a variety of reasons. There are a thousand different definitions of intimacy and most of them concern the qualities of openness, honesty, and vulnerability, and the willingness to share our deepest fears, desires and other feelings with our partner in order to become closer to them emotionally (the question of sexual intimacy will be dealt with in the next chapter). This is sometimes described as giving fully of ourselves, or allowing ourselves to be seen as we really are, and thus being fully known in a process of mutual transparency. In her book The Dance of Intimacy, Dr Harriet Lerner summarizes an intimate relationship as: â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;One in which neither party silences, sacrifices or betrays the self and each party

expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.’ So how do we go about achieving this desired state of mutual sharing, caring and closeness? As I stressed earlier in the book, the starting point for everything in relationships is communication. The more frequent, more honest and more empathic the communication is, the more effective it will be in fostering intimacy. A major part of that process is a willingness to listen to the other person in a non-judgemental way, giving a full and fair hearing to everything that is being said and, if necessary, agreeing to disagree in an attitude of mutual respect. For respect, we can also use the word ‘acceptance’, meaning an acknowledgement of the fact that whilst our partner’s views, personal attributes and behaviour may be different from ours, that is what makes them who they are.

Peeling back the onion We live in an age when maintaining an appearance of being cool, in control and ‘keeping it together’ is regarded as a desirable if not essential state of being. Despite all the moves towards self-reflection and more enlightened human relationships, through psychotherapy, counselling, spirituality, and other routes, the idea of making ourselves vulnerable and showing our weaker, softer side is still unthinkable to many people, in western society at least. Which brings us to the one vital ingredient I have not mentioned so far: courage – and that is where the principal 87

barrier to intimacy lies. Peeling back the layers of our personal ‘onion’ can make us feel as if we are being stripped emotionally naked, and that is often too frightening to consider. The underlying fear is usually driven by a belief that if we show ourselves, warts and all, we will be seen as flawed, unworthy, or lacking in some way and will therefore be rejected. Bill Hybels, author and founder of the influential Willow Creek Association of North American churches, puts it this way: ‘For a (marriage) relationship to flourish, there must be intimacy. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your spouse, “This is me. I’m not proud of it – in fact, I’m a little embarrassed by it – but this is who I am.”’ As mentioned earlier in the book, it is not necessarily a bad thing to keep certain thoughts or feelings from your partner, but when withholding involves issues that directly affect the relationship, or have the potential for doing so, then it is essential to find some way of bringing them into the open. If those things remain unsaid, the difficult feelings can only get worse because they lurk inside like an emotional cancer, and may lead to a build-up of guilt, resentment, frustration and general negativity.

A practical exercise in intimacy Dr Nathaniel Branden, a respected figure in the field of self-esteem and personal development, and author of The Psychology of Romantic Love, uses a fascinating exercise to bring about intimacy between couples who are experiencing 88

stagnation in their relationship or are estranged. The couple must commit to being in the same room alone together for twelve hours, with no distractions whatsoever, including no children, books, television and phone calls. After an initial awkwardness, irritation and anger often spill out, and resentments, grudges and unhealed wounds are disclosed. This is frequently followed by a softer, more conciliatory phase in which deeper feelings are shared, vulnerabilities revealed and secret longings and dreams disclosed which have previously been off limits. This in turn usually leads to a new sense of closeness through discovery and acceptance of the other person for who they are; although in some cases couples realize that the relationship has run its course and agree to separate. • T ry to think of everything you have ever kept hidden from your current (or previous) partner. • Divide these things into two categories: those you would be willing to reveal if the circumstances felt right, and those you would never reveal under any circumstances. • If your partner promised to listen sympathetically and without criticism or judgement in any shape or form, are there any items among the ‘prohibited’ list that you might consider revealing?

• If he or she promised to reveal some things from their prohibited list, would that encourage you to do the same? Lack of self-esteem is a major factor when people fear intimacy. If someone harbours deep-seated fears that they are not good enough or inadequate in some way, or that they are seen as unattractive or uninteresting, they will try desperately to cover up that ‘unacceptable’ side so that others will not be aware of it. This means never allowing anyone to get close enough to see those perceived faults or weaknesses. Intimacy is unthinkable because it involves openness and disclosure, and that is the very thing that people who are seriously lacking in self-esteem fear most. That does not stop such people forming relationships, but they will nearly always try to keep their partner at a distance in some way and they will often form a ‘complementary’ partnership with someone who also has a fear of being seen as they really are and of being known fully. The irony is that people with lack of self-esteem will often compulsively seek relationships in an attempt to get the positive affirmation they need to make them feel ‘okay’. However, what they frequently get caught up in when they enter into a relationship is a phenomenon that is sometimes known as ‘elastic band syndrome’.

This occurs when they make a conscious attempt to become intimate with the other person but find it impossible to do so. Because their unconscious fears of intimacy are setting the agenda out of their awareness, they reach a point where they find the increasing closeness unbearable and ‘ping off’ again back to their own private space, where they can remain safe.

Fear as the enemy of intimacy People who are severely lacking in self-esteem often bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy in which they unconsciously ‘set-up’ the situation they fear. So, for example, someone who believes deep down that they are unattractive, despite everything their partner tells them, might have an overwhelming fear that he or she might leave for someone more attractive. Because this fear eats away at them, they act in a way that drives the partner away, or into the arms of someone else. This could be brought about in a variety of ways and might involve such things as constantly finding fault with their partner so they eventually find the relationship intolerable, or withholding emotionally and/or sexually so their partner is driven to seek fulfilment elsewhere. Apart from the fear of being seen as weak or lacking in some way, there are other deep-seated psychological reasons why people fear intimacy and unconsciously avoid it. This fear can manifest itself as an inability to commit to someone, and is often related to an early experience of an 91

overly attentive or intrusive parent, who is seen as being emotionally overwhelming, the classic ‘smother mother’ type, although fathers can also induce these negative feelings. Experiences of loss – of a close relative, or a partner, or someone who represented stability and closeness in some form – is another major factor in predisposing an individual to avoiding commitment and intimacy. When individuals suffer a sequence of personal losses they will frequently become ‘commitment phobics’, avoiding closeness and intimacy all the more because their life script tells them that it is destined to end suddenly or tragically. A prime characteristic of this phobic attitude in adult love relationships is a tendency to ‘dump before you are dumped’, in other words to end the relationship as soon as it appears to be going somewhere. This is often an unconscious safety valve for people who have experienced relationship break-ups initiated by the other person because it avoids any possibility of being hurt again.

The ‘dump first’ scenario featured strongly in the relationship difficulties of a client of mine named Chantal, an attractive woman of French origin, whose adult life was punctuated by a series of short-lived relationships. Chantal’s father had left when she was four and her mother died when she was eight. She had then been brought up by an aunt, who passed

away suddenly when Chantal was fifteen. Furthermore, her first ‘serious’ boyfriend, who she met at university when she was eighteen, had left her for someone else just when she was becoming emotionally attached to him. This sequence of losses made it glaringly obvious why Chantal would want to avoid getting close to anyone, but, despite all my efforts, she refused to acknowledge what was really going on, namely that she was always the one to end the fledgling relationship as soon as her partner began to show signs of wanting to take their association to a deeper and more committed level. She invariably put it down to something they had done. The breakthrough came after she had been seeing me for about six months. She arrived one day looking particularly anxious and informed me that she wanted to end therapy immediately. When I asked her why she had decided to finish, she said that it was because of money being tight, which I knew could not be true because she earned a very good salary as an executive in television. Halfway through the session she became visibly agitated and asked me if I would mind if she left early. Suddenly it hit me: Chantal’s decision to leave therapy so suddenly was another example of her acting out her greatest fear. Our relationship, albeit professional, was by its very nature becoming closer and more intimate over time, so she had decided to cut me off before I could do it to her. When I put this suggestion to Chantal, she became extremely emotional and eventually admitted that she had 93

been afraid of becoming too close to me and felt her only option was to end therapy before I found a reason to end it with her. This episode proved transformative. Chantal was able to work on her deep-seated fear and, by allowing herself to stay on with me in therapy, she was able to see that her script could be changed; that getting close to someone did not necessarily mean they would abandon her.

Different routes to intimacy? Dr Harriet Lerner, whose summary of an intimate relationship was given earlier, highlights what she regards as a major difference between the sexes when it comes to fostering intimacy in a relationship. She writes: ‘Men often feel at a loss about how to become experts on close relationships, although their anxiety may be masked by apathy or disinterest. ‘Many men have been raised by fathers who were most conspicuous by their emotional or physical absence and omnipresent mothers whose very “feminine” qualities and traits they, as males, were taught to repudiate in themselves … Men tend to distance from a partner (or get a new one) when the going gets rough, rather than hang in and struggle for change.’ There is a degree of truth in the suggestion that men and women can have different ways of achieving closeness and dealing with conflict, but Lerner’s comments constitute another generalization which simply perpetuates the

stereotyping of men and woman and the ‘unbridgeable divide’ between them. Women also tend to suffer emotional fallout from absent fathers, equally so in my experience. Furthermore, it is clearly not just men who tend to seek new partners when the going gets rough because some 70 per cent of divorces are initiated by women in the UK, a figure that is mirrored in the USA. In my view, men and women can struggle equally to bring about genuine, meaningful closeness, and if people carry around the idea that there are different routes to intimacy for the sexes it creates an artificial and unnecessary barrier between them. For both sexes, the only way to overcome difficulties in achieving a truly intimate relationship is through communication, and understanding and acceptance of your partner’s ‘barriers to intimacy’.

Importance of knowing yourself What is often overlooked, however, is the fact that it is equally important to achieve understanding and acceptance of yourself. If you are suffering from emotional fallout from past experiences and have never genuinely attempted to heal those old wounds – whether it is through psychotherapy, counselling, or any other form of meaningful selfreflection – this will invariably affect your ability to achieve intimacy. You will carry this emotional baggage into any new relationship and because it has not been dealt with effectively it will cause you to build defensive barriers between yourself 95

and your partner. For example, if you have a ‘sensitive area’ based on an earlier experience of loss or rejection that you keep hidden away, you might constantly be hyper-vigilant for signs that it could be repeated; or you might become angry, uncommunicative or sulky if your partner unintentionally touches on this issue. So, when you are in an ongoing relationship, it is always important to be fully aware of your weak spots and to notice when they become a hindrance to open communication or a source of conflict. Fear of something is usually worse than the thing itself; working on that fear and eventually bringing it out into the open is the only way to move forward. • R emember that whilst intimacy is one word it is certainly not one-dimensional. True intimacy covers many areas and issues in a relationship. • The title of this chapter, ‘Knowing me, knowing you’, should serve as a watchword for achieving intimacy in relationships. • Factor in some ‘honesty time’ in your week when you and your partner agree to reveal at least one secret fear or anxiety. • Make a conscious effort to discover and admit your own fears, anxieties and difficult feelings and work on them, with professional help if necessary. 96

Intimacy does not just happen. Like so many other ingredients for successful relationships, it needs to be worked on constantly and never taken for granted.

The myth of sex Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen

We as a society place too much emphasis on sex and the relentless pursuit of sexual pleasure as a kind of recreational ‘must have’ and a pre-condition to successful relationships. Because of the way sex has been overplayed and devalued in films, books, newspapers and the media generally, it has lost much of its specialness, exclusivity and, to a great extent, its meaning. Sex should be a source of pleasure, joy and intimacy between two people, a natural enhancer of relationships. However, performance and evaluation have, for many people, become more important than mutual enjoyment and shared experience. We now speak about someone being ‘good in bed’ as if there is some kind of universal standard by which we must all be measured when we slip between the sheets. We also talk of having a ‘sex life’, as if that part of us is somehow divorced from the rest of our being, especially the psychological and emotional parts, which of course it is not. As has often been said – and equally often ignored – the principal erogenous zone of the body is the mind.

Another common misconception Sigmund Freud’s theory of human sexuality is frequently misrepresented, especially his use of the term ‘libido’, which, in current usage, has come to mean someone’s sex drive. Freud used ‘libido’ to denote a form of mental energy, which he originally saw as being solely attached to our sexual instincts. However, he later came to regard libido as a form of mental or ‘psychic’ energy that was part of the broader ‘life force’ or ‘life instinct’ in human beings; so the popular idea that Freud saw sex as being at the basis of all human activity is understandable but not wholly accurate. Freud went on to suggest that the way in which our libido is expressed depends upon the stage of psychological development we have reached; and he said that children develop through a series of ‘psychosexual stages’ (such as the oral, anal and phallic stages) in which the libido is focused on a specific area. If each stage is successfully negotiated, the child will move on to the next stage of development and this will enable them to reach a healthy state of adulthood.

Unrealistic expectations There is no doubt that the over-emphasis on sex has impacted relationships in a negative way by creating unrealistic expectations. People have been conditioned to expect a ‘good sex life’ as a major component of a successful ongoing relationship. Furthermore, there is a growing belief that the standard of sexual harmony and fulfilment 99

must never be allowed to drop regardless of what else is going on within the relationship. The level of false expectation does not stop there. We have bought into several great lies about sex, including the idea that there is an optimum number of times couples should have sex, and for women that there is a prescribed number of orgasms they should have during sex. The great deception for men is that they must be ‘superstuds’, ready, willing and able at all times to provide complete sexual satisfaction for their partners. There is also the myth of simultaneous orgasms being the desired high point for sexual fulfillment, which puts yet another pressure on couples to conform to impossible standards. Sex should be about closeness and joy and above all humanity, not robotic achievement, which is why I believe we should treat these false messages with the traditional pinch of salt and take note of another quote from Woody Allen, who said: ‘The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers’. Not only are these ‘performance myths’ misguided, they are also dangerous. It is simply not possible for sex between two people in a long-term partnership to remain at the same level throughout. Inevitably there will be peaks and troughs, depending on factors such as the more general state of the relationship; each partner’s personal circumstances, including their health and emotional wellbeing; major life events such as family bereavements, job 100

losses, and the birth of children; and physical changes brought about by advancing years. It is also important to remember that people are individuals and have different levels of sexual need or desire, which in turn can vary over time. People do not conform to some universal sexual template, so it is crucial to accept your partner’s sexual needs and not expect them necessarily to match your own. Compromise and understanding is the name of the game, as it is in so many other areas of relationships. Failure to accept differences and work on a suitable way of bridging the divide will only result in resentment and conflict.

Sex not a crucial factor Research by Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, authors of Building a Love That Lasts, has shown that sex is relatively low on the list of factors contributing to lasting and harmonious relationships. Couples were asked to rate how important sex was in the success of their marriage on a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the highest. Over a 27-year period, the average rating was only 6. The conclusion from the two researchers was: ‘No marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life!’

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• O n a scale of 1–10, rate how important sex is in a relationship in general terms. • Do you sometimes feel under unspoken pressure to have sex in your current relationship. • Do you feel you have to reach certain standards in bed to make sex ‘good’? • How crucial is the maintenance of ‘good sex’ in your current relationship? In the final analysis, sex is one of many factors that affect the success of relationships. However, we must be careful not to go down the route of the singer Boy George, who famously said: ‘I would rather have a cup of tea than sex’, because whilst this often infuriating and frustrating threeletter word can assume a position of undue importance, it should be an integral and enriching ingredient of most relationships. I have used the word ‘most’ because there are certain qualifications to that last statement. For example, some couples, particularly those in their more mature years, agree to have platonic, or non-sexual relationships and this can work very well. The key here is that they have agreed about the ‘no sex’ format of their relationship because, as with every other component of relationships – and I make no

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apology for emphasizing this point again â&#x20AC;&#x201C; communication is the key.

All in the mind In pursuing this theme, let us look first at the belief that sex should take place on a regular basis and be of a consistently high quality. As mentioned earlier, the vital factor that so often gets overlooked or dismissed is that sex is far more about what goes on between the ears than between the legs. Sex is a basic urge and need, not just for the purpose of having children, but because it gives pleasure on more than one level and is a way of creating intimacy and bonding between two people. However, in order to feel like having sex, an individual has to be mentally as well as physically â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;up for itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;; and if he or she is not in the right frame of mind, which can happen for a variety of reasons, their sexual functioning on a physical level will be impaired, or it may not happen at all. So, for example, if a man comes home from work feeling in the mood for sex and tries to sweet-talk his wife into bed, he should not be surprised or disappointed if, after a demanding day with their two young children and a host of un-stimulating domestic chores, she is not particularly responsive (although this can sometimes be an indicator of a deeper problem that is not being talked about). Or if a woman feels like making love and her partner has been

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under pressure at work, she should not expect fireworks in the bedroom.

When sex becomes another pressure Taking a longer term perspective, someone who is depressed or stressed, or deeply unhappy for whatever reason, may well regard sex as just another pressure they can do without and may even lose their sex drive altogether. This is when the need for meaningful communication becomes essential. People often feel rejected when their partner does not want to make love; and this can become a serious issue if the partner loses interest in sex altogether. Not talking about it will only increase resentment and negative thinking, or may even lead them to suspect that their partner is having an affair. When a couple are in the middle of a period of rowing this is usually a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;killerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; as far as sex is concerned. However, some couples use fighting as a way of re-energizing their relationship and for them a blazing row can often be a precursor to passionate sex. In todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s high-speed world, finding time for sex can often be difficult, so it is frequently overlooked by default. Once again, it is vital to talk to your partner if you feel the sexual side of your relationship is not how you would like it to be. Despite our more open and supposedly enlightened attitude to sex, it is still in some ways one of the last great 104

taboos. People fear talking about worries or difficulties connected with sex because they fear being seen as inadequate or deficient in some way. And the messages we receive from all around us telling us that we must be up to standard in the bedroom feed into this. Sex is great when it works well, but it can put huge pressure on people when they feel they have failed in some way, a remark that applies equally to men and women. If it can be spoken about honestly and freely, without judgement or any sense of attack or criticism, it can be one of the best ways of creating genuine intimacy and closeness.

Sex as a form of communication Whilst communication between partners about sex is a must, it must not be forgotten that sex is in itself a form of communication. When we have sex we are seeking physical pleasure and release, but we are also searching for connection, love and transcendence, and we are expressing who we are. One of most powerful, motivational facets of human nature is that people are crying out to be known, to be accepted, to be made to feel special and, through these affirmations, to love themselves. Having sex is a way of saying ‘Understand me’, ‘Like me’, ‘Love me’. Even in the most transient sexual encounters there is always an element of psychological need or craving underlying the physical desire.

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So the classic Casanova or Don Juan is almost invariably using sex as a way of shoring up a fragile ego. It is the same with the female equivalent, nymphomania, which the Oxford English Dictionary describes as ‘uncontrollable or excessive sexual desire in women’. For the nymphomaniac herself the word ‘excessive’ has a darker connotation; it signifies an interminable quest for something that is missing in terms of her ability to find satisfaction, not sexually but emotionally. The irony of these brief liaisons is that they bring nothing but emptiness and sometimes self-loathing, which is the opposite of what the Casanova or the nymphomaniac craves. Hence the need always to be moving on to the next conquest or casual encounter in search of the real prize – respect, acceptance and love. In today’s sex-obsessed society there is also a general feeling that we must not hold back in terms of having multiple partners; in fact, for many people it is considered oldfashioned or un-cool to be discriminating in the selection and number of your sexual partners. Furthermore, the idea of preserving one’s virginity until marriage is widely regarded as a matter for ridicule rather than admiration, which is not only a cynical comment on the personal values of our times, but also feeds into the ‘If it feels good do it’ mentality that has trivialized sex in such a damaging way.

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Elsa came to see me because she was desperately unhappy in her relationship. One of the primary causes of her unhappiness was her husband’s demands for what she referred to as ‘kinky’ sex. This mostly consisted of role-playing in which he would get her to dress up in various uniforms, but occasionally there was a degree of sadomasochism (the infliction and/or receiving of pain) as well. Elsa told me that these ‘sex games’ made her feel humiliated and ‘dirty’, and to add to her feelings of extreme discomfort, her husband sneered at her unresponsiveness, making her feel that there was something wrong with her because she was not totally uninhibited. Because of his constant belittling of her, Elsa came to believe that she was at fault and told me that she felt her inexperience – she had been involved in ‘only three previous sexual relationships’ to use her words – was a factor. Her husband became angry when Elsa suggested marriage counselling and refused even to contemplate it. After a series of sessions with me it became obvious that the only way forward as far as Elsa was concerned was to leave him, which she was understandably reluctant to do because of their two young children. Elsa’s situation was a classic example of one person failing totally to accept that their partner’s sexual needs were different from theirs. Furthermore, her belief that she was inexperienced and inadequate highlighted the current 107

vogue for over-emphasizing standards of sexual performance at the expense of caring and sharing, and mutual understanding and compromise.

Differing approaches to sex I have been keen to stress the dangers of over-emphasizing gender differences with regard to various relationship issues. However, there are some fundamental distinctions in the way men and women approach sex. As a broad generalization, the old adage which says: ‘Men seek love through sex and women seek sex through love’ has a degree of truth in it. A major survey of sexual practices in the USA, led by Dr Edward O. Laumann, of the University of Chicago, reached the conclusion that sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context, whereas men’s sexual drives are generally stronger and more straightforward. The study also found that men think more about sex and seek sex more avidly; that is to say, they want it more throughout a long-term relationship, and they also seek more sexual relationships and casual sex than women. Men are also more visual when it comes to arousal. Women take a ‘less direct’ route to sexual satisfaction, i.e. more situational and connected to their emotions. Once again we must be careful of stereotyping because context and emotions do affect men’s sexuality, albeit in a

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less obvious way, and not all men are serial womanizers. And women can be just as instantly turned on by sexual images and fantasies, and they can and do indulge in casual sex, increasingly so in these days of ever greater sexual freedom. Both sexes can be equally prone to infidelity. • R emember that sex does not only involve communication, it is also about communication. • Accept that there will always be differences in people’s sex drives, both in the long and short term. • Sex should be about caring and sharing, not performance and standards.

Be careful not to put an over-emphasis on sex. Try to see it as one valuable aspect of your relationship and one of several paths to intimacy.

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Introducing NLP

In the last sections we explored the value of our relationships with others. Communication is key to starting and maintaining those relationships and being a bit more aware can help us communicate more effectively. The following two chapters from Introducing NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) will give you some simple techniques to ensure that you are saying what you want to say.

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Using NLP to Win Friends and Influence People Communication Communication involves a minimum of two people interacting with each other. People interact through a variety of channels and in many different ways – face-to-face, on the phone, through dancing, emails, letters, touch, and so on. To become a more effective influencer – a person who can win over people much more of the time – you must develop the skill of paying very close, conscious attention to the person or people you’re trying to connect with. There may be many things that you aren’t currently noticing. NLP helps you to be aware that there are a whole range of things to notice in others, including: • Language • Eye movements • Physiology. The next chapter will show in greater detail how NLP can actually help us communicate more effectively. But to begin with, let’s look at the nature of communication generally. For many of us, our primary methods of communication are technology-based: email, text messaging, Facebook, 112

etc. These require the words that we type to convey our messages for us. But is this the most effective approach?

How much of communication is words? Tone? Body language? Most decisions are made on the basis of rapport rather than technical merit. You are more likely to buy from, agree with, and support someone you can relate to than someone you can’t – people like people who are like themselves. When people are trusting and comfortable with each other, barriers come down and interesting things happen. They begin to stand, sit, move or sound like each other. They take on each other’s posture, movements or voice expressions, and breathing patterns. If one moves, the other may soon follow. How many times have you been amazed at how communication can go badly wrong, how easy it is for the slightest gesture or tone of voice to be taken the wrong way? What is the difference that makes the difference in feeling comfortable and acknowledged by someone, even if they’re disagreeing with what you say? How is it that some people you meet you instantly like – while others you can’t get away from fast enough? Why can you talk to some people for hours and it seems like only minutes?

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The answer to all of these questions is rapport – the most important process in any communication. Rapport is the ability to enter someone else’s world, to make them feel that you understand them, that you have a strong common bond. Rapport is the ability to see each other’s point of view (not necessarily to agree with it), to be on the same wavelength and to appreciate each other’s feelings. When people are communicating in rapport they find it easy to be understood and believe their concerns are highly regarded by the other person. At an unconscious level, there’s a comfortable feeling of: ‘This person thinks like I do, I can relax.’ But it’s important to realize that only a small amount of what we communicate is through what we say. Research has shown that in the understanding of a received communication: • 7% is contained in the words used • 38% is contained in the tone and style of voice • 55% is contained in the physiology (or body language) of the deliverer. Yet how many people actually study the factors that control over half of their communication? This is the difference between those who excel and those who just get by in the way they communicate, motivate, influence, negotiate, lead, and empower. In particular you need to focus on the desired outcome or purpose of the communication and the extent to which this is achieved: 114

• What exactly do you want to achieve? • How will you know that your communication has been successful? • What will be the sensory evidence – what will you see, hear and feel? We must look at what actually works. In any interpersonal communication, this means knowing where the other person is coming from – somehow bridging your different perspectives of the world. When you’re with people and talking to them, even your most positive and encouraging words will only be believed if your body language (physiology) and voice tone support your words. With a partner, make a statement and purposefully contradict that statement with body language or tone to notice the impact on communication. For example: 1. Tell your partner you really like what they’ve done with their hair while shaking your head from side to side in a negative gesture. 2. Use words to communicate to your partner that you’re really angry and upset, but using a very sleepy, calm and unfocused voice tone.

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Experiment with incongruenceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s between words, tone and body language and notice the impact it has on how the communication is received by your partner.

Frames Any communication can be described as a set of frames, each dependent on the previous frames or responses. When you make a statement, the recipient will respond in a certain way. The choice of words for your next statement will then be decided by considering this response. For example, if you present an idea while trying to persuade someone, the recipient can either accept the idea or disagree with it to varying degrees. You will need to construct your next statement by analysing this response, and choosing words so as to completely persuade the recipient. Over the course of the conversation, your aim is to express the intention and benefits of the idea to the recipient, however preposterous it may sound to them at first, and no matter how antagonistic they are in the beginning. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important that you always maintain a level of respect and dignity in your choice of words, so as not to offend the other person. If you come across as too aggressive or too pushy, they will most likely run away from you. To efficiently use the persuasive patterns of language 116

described in NLP, the speaker must understand the finer aspects of communication, and the function of the patterns in the whole process. A persuasion pattern essentially comprises three parts: a frame, a response and a reframe. Once a frame is delivered by the speaker, using words to carefully describe his thoughts, the recipient will return a related response. This response will be the key to formulating the reframe statement. It’s important to lead the conversation for some of the time, and let the recipient lead for the rest of it. Only then can a mutually beneficial, engrossing and persuasive conversation be held. The method of NLP persuasion and influence isn’t a one-way process: it happens in both directions. While you’re trying to influence a recipient, the recipient is also trying to influence you. Therefore, it’s essential to observe these patterns in an intuitive manner so that you can deliver a better response. A single statement used in different situations can have different meanings. The meaning of the statement also depends on other aspects such as body language, tone, facial expressions and speech delivery. The patterns used during persuasion can be based on different NLP models, which we will cover later on in ‘The Language of Success’. The key area of rapport is covered in more detail in the next chapter. 117

Creating rapport Harmony, accord and affinity When you create rapport you develop a sympathetic understanding with another person. You show them that you can identify with, and even share their experience. Rapport means a relationship of harmony, accord or affinity. This is the most important process in any interaction. Without rapport you will not get a productive result. The need for rapport increases in importance when you don’t have it. When you do have it, many opportunities appear. The magic of rapport is something that many people take for granted. But if you deal with people – and everybody does, unless they’re a hermit living in the mountains, in which case they probably won’t be reading this – the ability to create rapport between your associates and yourself is invaluable. The first thing you will notice when you see two people together who really get along well is how much like each other they are. You’ll notice this most of all when you see two lovers together. They’ll gaze into each other’s eyes with the same expression on their faces, they’ll be displaying the same body language, and they’ll be speaking with the same tone of voice and pace of speech. 118

By observing the process by which two people get to feel more at home with each other, it’s possible to enhance this effect when you’re speaking to people yourself. Most of the time we create rapport with others easily and naturally, but there are occasions when our intuitive ways of creating rapport don’t work. When these occasions occur, we need to call upon certain skills to create it consciously. This is where NLP comes in. It demands focus and concentration, so that you are present in the situation rather than wishing you were somewhere else! Rapport involves showing a genuine interest, observing how a person reacts to what you say, and identifying key words or phrases used. As we saw in the previous chapter, rapport occurs not only in what you say, but also in your actions and body language, which usually happen subconsciously.

Establishing rapport by mirroring The process of establishing rapport needs to start with the first handshake. Creating rapport has nothing to do with liking or being liked. It’s a way of saying to a person: ‘We share common ground; you will be heard and appreciated.’ The key to building rapport is an ability to enter somebody else’s world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to realize about states of mind is that they are closely tied to body language.

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If someone is sitting with their arms and legs crossed and wearing a frown on their face, you can safely assume that they’re not going to be very receptive to what you have to say. If, on the other hand, they have an open posture (i.e. arms and legs in fairly relaxed open positions), then they’re going to be more open to what you have to say. Have you ever noticed that when you feel depressed you tend to mope around with your head hanging, dragging your feet? Try feeling depressed while skipping and smiling – you’ll find it’s not possible. It’s important to remember that your emotional state is closely tied to your physical state. If you want to create rapport with someone, it’s as simple as this: you have to enter their world. Once you enter their world you can see things from their perspective, feel the way they do, and from there enhance the whole relationship. The process by which you enter somebody else’s world is called mirroring. The mirroring technique was created by Milton Erickson in the early 1970s in his work with clinical hypnotherapy. Mirroring is basically copying the other person’s body language, breathing and voice patterns to become like

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them. It’s literally becoming a mirror image of the other person. When you do this, you will both feel like you’ve known each other forever. It seems a little hard to believe at first, but once you try it, you’ll see for yourself how true it is. Some people find the idea of mirroring uncomfortable and feel that they’re trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. Mirroring occurs naturally as a part of rapport-building, so don’t feel you’re doing anything false. All you’re doing is being aware of that process and trying to enhance it. And anyway, if you feel bad about doing it, then you’re probably not the type of person to take advantage of anyone anyway – so don’t worry. Start by aligning your body language. Try not to make this obvious, or it will appear that you’re mocking the other person, and that will of course have the opposite effect to creating rapport. Look at things like the angle of their head, how their feet are pointing if they’re standing, how their legs are crossed if they’re sitting, and their facial expression. Subtly copy their posture and you will feel the whole interaction change. You can try half-mirroring someone if you feel uncomfortable with full mirroring at first. To halfmirror, simply do a half version of what the other person is doing. So for example, if they’ve crossed their arms you can hold one of your elbows with the other hand. 121

If they have their hands in their pockets you can put one hand in your pocket. If they’re rocking back and forward on their feet, you can rock now and then. Just copy their body language to the point you feel comfortable with. The best communicators mirror without thinking. Listen to the pace and tone of the other person’s voice. If they’re speaking fast, then you should speak fast too. If the person uses pauses in their sentences, then you should try to match that speech pattern. Be observant and you’ll be able to pick up a lot more mannerisms than you’re used to noticing – then simply copy them all. The same applies here as to the last point. If you can’t make it seem natural, then perhaps ease off a little. You’re trying to build rapport, not make fun of them! Breathing is a very important part of a mental state. If you want to enter somebody else’s world then you must match their breathing. This is of course closely related to speech, though it’s worth mentioning as a point of its own due to the link between breathing and emotional/mental state. Observe the other person’s breathing and try to match it. Make an effort to identify people who are in rapport. Can you see two people now who are in rapport? What do you notice about them? Is rapport something that happens actively or 122

passively? Do we get on with people because we have rapport, or do we have rapport because we get on with people? Is it a circular process, reinforcing itself? Rapport can be tested and also reinforced by matching another person’s: • • • • • •

Body posture Voice rhythm and intonation Facial expression Common experience Values Beliefs.

Keep an eye out for people who are in rapport and notice more things that they have in common. Try it yourself. When you’re talking to people, try matching different aspects from the list above. Try mismatching them too, and notice what happens. Notice how you feel about what they’re saying, and how it changes if you match or mismatch.

Mirroring or matching? The terms ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’ are used interchangeably by some NLP practitioners, while others draw the following distinctions: • Mirroring is as if you were looking into a mirror. To mirror a person who has raised his right hand, you would raise your left hand (i.e. a mirror image).

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• To match this same person, you would raise your right hand (i.e. doing exactly the same as the other person). • Some practitioners also see a time difference between mirroring and matching. For example, if someone makes hand gestures while they’re speaking, you would wait until it was your turn to speak before making similar (matching) hand gestures. When should you match and when should you mirror? The only way to learn this is to practise it for real. Matching tends to be less obvious and more outside of our conscious awareness than mirroring. Mirroring, however, tends to lead to deeper levels of unconscious rapport than matching.

Matching tonality Tonality is something that we match rather than mirror, but it’s very important that we avoid a copycat approach to vocal matching, as this will probably ruin our chances of gaining unconscious rapport. For example, a man trying to match the pitch of a woman’s voice could seem ridiculous, but he could contribute towards the goal of rapport by raising his pitch within his own octave. Here are a few examples of elements of vocal tone that we can match: • Pitch: is it high or is it low? • Rate: is it fast or slow, steady or choppy?

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• Timbre: is the voice clear, soft, croaky, raspy? • Volume: is it loud and booming or quiet and withdrawn? For example, if a person is speaking quickly and loudly, then you would speak quickly and loudly to match them and establish rapport. On the other hand, if the other personis speaking v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and you’re talking at high speed, you’re going to break the rapport.

Matching key words Another useful technique is to match the last three or four words they say, using the same pitch, rate, timbre and volume as them. For example, watching the football with your father-in-law, you notice that he shouts ‘Go on!’ every time his team gets near the goal mouth. You, on the other hand, aren’t really that interested in football, so you don’t have the common frames of reference that would lead to a naturally occurring rapport state. You could, however, increase the chances of a good rapport by matching ‘Go on!’ at appropriate times. Add in matching pitch, volume and tempo and you’re well on your way to improving your likeability score with the old chap.

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Other useful rapport techniques from NLP Cross-matching and mismatching If the prospect of consciously mirroring is embarrassing or daunting, you can use the concept of cross-mirroring or cross-matching. This is choosing to match one of your behaviours to a corresponding but different movement of another person. For example, if someone folds their arms, cross your legs; or pace the rhythm of someone’s speaking with slight nods of your head or your breathing. Mismatching is also a useful skill to master. Have you ever had someone go on and on and on when you were having a conversation with them? You can break eye contact, turn your body at an angle to them, breathe faster or slower … in short, do anything to break rapport by mismatching. You’ll be surprised how quickly and easily the conversation will draw to a close.

Pacing and leading The ongoing process of mirroring or matching is known as pacing. You match someone’s behaviour exactly, following their physiology when it changes, matching their sequence of events. Having established rapport by pacing, you can gradually lead the person the way you want to – subtly lead them into a certain voice mode, facial expression or posture with 126

a view to changing their state of mind, while maintaining rapport, and then anything is possible. Pacing is frequently useful, for example when you’re coaching or if you’re with someone who is distressed. You use pacing to match the pace of the other person’s speech, discussing the next topic only when he or she is ready to move on. It’s often described as PACE, PACE, PACE and then LEAD the conversation. If someone is extremely aggressive and talking loudly, communicating to them in a whisper isn’t going to get their attention. You may need to match their tone and volume first, before slowly starting to speak more softly and calmly and thus leading them to communicating in that way.

Imagine that something has upset you. Before you’re able to think rationally about it, you often need to ‘get it off your chest’ by talking it through with a friend or colleague. Pacing works in a similar way. You need to allow someone to say what’s important to them first, before you start discussing your agenda. Similarly, when speaking to someone, pace their speed of conversation before discussing your agenda. This may mean allowing them to discuss something that you consider irrelevant but that’s very important to them. Then they 127

can pay attention and listen to what you need to say. If you interrupt people to encourage them to speak faster, you often achieve exactly the opposite effect!

Sensory acuity and calibration As well as actively matching to increase rapport, by observing the other person for evidence of matching, you can determine the extent to which you have rapport – whether you’re connecting, whether they’re paying attention. This paying attention to the results of your actions is called sensory acuity. At the simplest level we can deduce from a smile or a frown (or a yawn) what the other person is feeling. The most foolproof way is to first pace the other person and then attempt to lead. If they follow, you’re in rapport. If not, you aren’t. Calibration is like a series of mental snapshots. The first ‘shot’ is your baseline against which the changes you sense will be monitored. Calibrate to verify that you’re on track to your outcome and that you have willingness and agreement. Calibration keeps you out of yourself and in contact with those you are talking to, seeing the world as they see it.

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The language of the senses In the same way that you can pace and therefore lead a person’s body language or voice, so you can pace and lead a person’s thinking preferences and language patterns. People tell how they are processing information with the kind of words they use, the way they breathe, their tone of voice, and the way they move their eyes. Each of us has a thinking preference – to ‘think’ in images, sounds, or feelings, for instance. What’s more, your speech is an expression of the way you think. For example, if you think visually, you’re more likely to say, ‘I get the picture’ or ‘I see what you mean’, because you do. If you think in an auditory way, you would be more likely to say, ‘I hear you loud and clear’ or ‘We’re on the same wavelength’. The following chart gives clues to which sensory language to use in order to pace or lead other people.

Sensory awareness The subtle non-verbal changes that we sense in others are a form of communication. Sensory awareness develops the skills to perceive these very minute differences. The tiny changes detected on the outside are indicators of what’s going on inside the person. Our aim is to increase the awareness we have through our senses so that we can be in touch with the events on the inside of ourselves and others, responding accordingly. We can do this through our eyes and ears. 129

Thinking preferences

EYES: looking down right (for right-handed people)

FEELING

EYES: looking to the side or down and left (for righthanded people)

VOICE: low, slow, pauses

HEARING

EYES: looking up or straight ahead and defocused

VOICE: moderate pitch, volume and rate

BREATHING: slow, low, deep

SEEING

VOICE: high rapid

BREATHING: moderate rate, middle of the chest

WORDS: hold on, put a finger on, strikes me, touched me, get a grip of, walk away, dragging me down, in touch with, out of touch with, caught in the act, underhand, touchy subject, sticking with, firm stance, no stomach for it, chilling thought

BREATHING: rapid, high, shallow

WORDS: imagine, focus, look WORDS: talk through, tune at, point out, seeing it, notice, in, listen to, rings a bell, explain it, crashing down, show it, blind to, in a flash, deaf to, harmony, harsh tone, review, an eyeful, picture, discord, an earful, outspoken, transparent, graphically, squeaky clean, calling me, illustrate, brilliant, viewpoint, hear me out, sounding off, drawing a blank music to my ears, keep telling myself

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Using our sight There are numerous non-verbal behaviours that can be seen when we know what to look for. These include: • • • • •

Speed and pace of breathing Lip size Skin colour Muscle change Body posture.

Using our hearing Listening to voices is often made harder because we get sidetracked by the content of what’s being said. Learn to pay attention to various aspects of voice quality and appreciate that any change in quality can represent a change on the inside of thinking and feeling. • • • • •

Pitch Tone Tempo Rhythm Language. Sit with a partner back-to-back and choose an unimportant topic to talk about. As you talk to the other person, notice the tempo and tone of his or her voice. As you

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talk, subtly adjust your voice until the tone and tempo of your voice are as close as possible to the other person’s. Notice the quality of communication: is the flow of information smooth or difficult? Is there a feeling of rapport or not? Try mismatching. After a few minutes of smooth, flowing conversation, alter your voice to be very different from other person’s in tone and tempo. Notice what impact this change has on the quality of the communication. Now go back to matching the other person’s voice quality and notice how you’re able to regain the rapport that enables a smooth flow of conversation.

Mirroring is a natural process to help things come into a state of harmony. Even two similar pendulums suspended with a taut wire will tend to synchronize their swinging motion. But do you always want to be in rapport with someone? Is it a good idea to choose not to be in rapport? Consider consoling someone who’s depressed – do you want to get depressed too? Is that helpful to them? Would you be more or less help to them if you stayed positive?

A summary of strategies The list below offers the key behavioural strategies that allow us to create very powerful states of rapport, both consciously and unconsciously. Mastering the art of

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matching and mirroring will develop your ability (and give you choices) to establish rapport with anybody you choose. WHOLE BODY MATCHING Adjust your body to approximate the other personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s postural shifts. BODY PART MATCHING Pace any consistent or stylistic use of body movements; for example, blinking eyes. HALF-BODY MATCHING Match either the top or bottom of the other personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s body; for example, leg movement, upper body gestures. HEAD/SHOULDERS ANGLE PATTERNS Match the angles and poses at which the other person holds their head and shoulders. VOCAL QUALITIES Match shifts in volume, tone, pitch, pace and timbre. VERBAL Match language patterns, styles, words and phrases used by the other person. FACIAL EXPRESSIONS See the ways in which the other person uses their face; e.g. wrinkles their nose, puckers their lips, raises their eyebrows. 133

GESTURES Match the other person’s gestures in ways that are elegant and respectful. REPETITIVE PHRASING Hear and use the repeated phrases of the other person. BREATHING Adjust your breathing pattern to match another person’s breathing pattern. INDIRECT MATCHING (CROSS-MIRRORING) Use one aspect of your behaviour to match a different aspect of the other person’s behaviour, e.g. adjust the tempo of your voice to match the other person’s rate of breathing; pace the other person’s eye blinks with your finger or head nods. Try the following exercise in a group of three, choosing who will be person A, B or C: • Person A speaks for one minute about something they have really enjoyed, e.g. a holiday, party or hobby. • Person B listens and initially matches person A in body gestures and positions. Then person B does the opposite (i.e. mismatches body language) while person A tries to keep speaking. Person B then reverts to copying person A’s body language, movements and position. • Person C observes the situation. 134

After the exercise, swap roles A and B so that each person tries each role. Allow person C to explain what they noticed while acting as the observer. Person A often finds it very difficult to keep speaking while person B is mismatching body language.

Four of the major NLP assumptions are particularly relevant to effective rapport: 1. The map is not the territory We each perceive the world uniquely, as though in possession of an individual map of the world, one we have charted ourselves. These maps are made of our collection of past experiences, attitudes and beliefs. We tend to filter experience to fit our perceptions and beliefs. True communication, therefore, must attempt to understand other people’s perceptual maps. By sharing other maps and adjusting our own from time to time, rapport increases and communication is made more effective. 2. The meaning of your communication is the response you get The purpose of communication, like any behaviour, is to bring about a desired outcome, such as to pass on information, to delegate, lead, encourage, influence, or whatever. Unless it fulfils the desired outcome, it is ineffective. If the other person doesn’t understand your communication, it’s 135

probably because you haven’t put it in terms of their map of the world. 3. You cannot not communicate We are all communicating all the time, mostly non-verbally. Even our inner thoughts – in effect our internal communications – are often passed on to others through our posture, body movements, facial expressions, breathing, gestures, voice tone or eye movements. 4. The mind and body are part of the same system Our thoughts instantly affect our physiology, and this in turn affects our thoughts. When something happens outside of us (external event), we take in information through our five senses. We reduce that information by filtering it through our life’s experiences. We delete, distort and generalize, and pass the information through our filters: language, memories, decisions, perceptions, values, beliefs and attitudes. That creates an internal representation of the event – the pictures in your head and the way you might talk to yourself. This in turn affects your emotional state – how you feel about it. If you have a good picture you feel great, if you have a bad picture you feel lousy. Those two affect your physiology – thinking, feeling, stance, breathing. Your internal representation, state and physiology become the driving force for your behaviour. Your behaviour becomes the input into the other person.

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Introducing NLP for Work

Perhaps more than in any other arena of our lives, when we are at work we want to feel confident and in control. NLP can be transformative here, and these chapters from Introducing NLP for Work show you how language and modelling techniques can be used in a professional context.

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Modelling Earlier in the book I highlighted modelling as one of the key aspects of NLP that are useful at work. Modelling means identifying the structure of a skill that you observe someone else is particularly good at. If you can model the skill and the way the person achieves results, then you can learn to do it too. The origins of NLP are in modelling. Richard Bandler and John Grinder modelled the language patterns of some of the great psychotherapists of the day and in doing so, not only unpicked the structure of language that influences othersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; thinking, but also developed the methodology to do the same with other skills. The approach that Bandler and Grinder took was purely observational. This can be a very lengthy process, so we also use methods of interviewing the expert to find out more about whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going on in his or her head as they demonstrate the skill. Robert Dilts, the eminent NLP developer, trainer and practitioner, has contributed a lot to this more cognitive style of modelling. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re interested in learning how to model, there are some great books and courses that will show you how to 138

do it. I’d like to share with you the results of two modelling projects, so you get an idea of what can be achieved with this approach, and also to give you the benefit of two essential business skills.

Creating an air of authority Working as a trainer and consultant, I’m privileged to meet a lot of senior people in a wide variety of organizations. Some people in senior roles have an air of authority that makes it obvious that they are in charge. Others don’t. I became curious about what creates that air of authority, because I thought it would be a great thing to be able to do. So I started observing. And what I noticed surprised me, because it’s really very simple to create an air of authority. If you think it would help you at work, here’s what you do. People who radiate an air of authority usually do two things: 1. Take their time 2. Take up space Time: Taking time to do something or to answer a question or to begin a presentation gives a below conscious message that what you are about to do or say is worth waiting for. People who are nervous usually rush through everything, so doing the opposite shows you as confident and calm.

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Simple ways to take your time: • Do one thing at a time. • After someone asks you a question, pause before answering. • Believe that what you’re about to say is worth waiting for and don’t rush it. • Stop if someone talks over you or causes a distraction. Space: Even if you’re not very tall or broad you can take up space with your belongings. When you take up space it demonstrates to people that you have a right to be there. People who feel uncomfortable in a situation often shrink away from it, so when you spread out it looks as if you’re comfortable and that you belong.

Simple ways to take up space: • Relax. This will make you more likely to spread out, whereas if you are tense or nervous you will tend to make yourself smaller.

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• In a meeting room, spread your belongings about in front of you; claim some territory (but don’t encroach on your boss’s space unless you want to challenge his authority). • Stand fractionally further away from people than you would naturally. • When speaking, make bold gestures with your hands.

Remembering names I think that remembering names is an essential skill for all of us at work. Assuming you’ve been introduced to a person, when you use their name it is an acknowledgment of them and helps to create rapport. If you haven’t been introduced, don’t use their name by reading it off a security pass – some people will be offended and others will be startled. Lots of people have difficulty remembering names and often the reason they can’t retrieve a name from memory is that they didn’t store it away in the first place. You can’t retrieve something that isn’t there. I’m blessed with a good memory and I’ve always been quite good at names, but I didn’t always know how I did it. The strategy for remembering names that I’m sharing here is the one I use and which was modelled from me by Craig Cummings as part of his Master Practitioner Certification. This was done by interview as well as observation – it would have been much harder to figure this one out by observation alone. Interestingly, having conscious

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knowledge of the process has made it more effective for me. Here’s how I do it: The foundation of this strategy is in the belief that it’s important to remember people’s names. Without that, the rest wouldn’t happen. Because I believe this, when I’m about to meet someone new I make a conscious decision that I want to remember their name.

Belief/Value • It’s important to remember people’s names. It makes people feel special and it demonstrates your connection with them. • When I’m about to meet someone new I make a conscious decision that I want to remember their name.

Process V – Look at the person’s face. Concentrate. A – Listen to the sound of their name. V – Look at their name badge if they’re wearing one, if not visualize one. A – Repeat the name aloud, by saying, ‘Pleased to meet you, John’ or, if this is not appropriate, repeat the name in your head. D – Check the correct spelling of the name, if possible. K – Test until there is a feeling of confidence. This process works because first of all it clears your mind of all distractions and focuses on the person whose name 142

you want to remember. Then, by paying attention to sight, sound and spelling in turn, we create a neurological connection between the sight of the person’s face, the sound of their name and the way it looks written down. If you use this process you’ll be able to remember the name when you see the face, remember the face when you see the name written down, and also know how to pronounce the name correctly. The ‘testing’ referred to is simply checking that I have retained the name. In a group situation I mentally go around the table saying each person’s name to myself to check that I know it. I usually do this three times before I’m really confident that I know the names. (Now you know what my convincer pattern is!) The key to remembering names is to pay attention to them. Decide before you meet someone new that you will store away their name. Then when you meet them, clear your mind of everything else and pay attention as you’re introduced.

Using modelling to learn Many of the really important skills in life you learned by modelling. How to walk, how to speak, how to eat and a host of other everyday activities. As a small child you couldn’t ask, ‘How do you do that?’ – you just had to watch, experiment and learn. 143

You can still learn that way. If you notice someone who is really good at chairing a meeting, observe more closely exactly what they do. Then try it out for yourself and see what happens. You might have a colleague who’s very good at dealing with upset customers. Notice what they say, their tone of voice, their facial expressions, and have a go for yourself. There is a lot you can learn just by observing the people with the exceptional skills (if you’re going to put in the effort to model someone, don’t waste it modelling mediocrity!). There may also be opportunities when you can ask someone about what they do, but be prepared to be told, ‘I don’t know, I just do it’ – remember that everything you do really well, you can do without thinking about it.

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Language The two biggest complaints I hear from employees in the companies I work with are ‘Nobody told us’ and ‘Nobody asked us’. Communication is vitally important for business success and people need to feel that they are informed, involved, consulted and listened to. The larger the organization, the more difficult this is, and the more likely it is that individuals get the impression that their voice isn’t being heard. Most people think they’re reasonably good at communicating and that they know how to use language. And most people are reasonably good at expressing their own thoughts in words. However, the purpose of communication is often much more than that. Especially at work, the purpose of communication is usually to influence someone. If all you focus on is how to express your thoughts, you’re probably not going to find it easy to influence others’ opinions and attitudes, even if you have great rapport with them. The key to doing this is the direct connection between what you say (or write) and the internal representation that words create in the mind of your listener. Earlier on, we established that there are always multiple ways to describe the same thing. Notice the differences between: ‘The project is late and overspent.’

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‘The project is behind schedule on delivery and ahead of schedule on spending.’ ‘The plan for this project was not realistic.’ ‘We will have to work more efficiently if we’re going to meet the next project deadline and we need to review the budget.’ Each of the sentences above are describing the same thing, but do you notice that the way it’s represented in your mind shifts as the words change? Imagine how you would react to each of these statements if you were the person’s boss. In choosing the ‘best’ way to express a thought or idea, we naturally consider who we’re going to be speaking to. It’s also helpful to consider your outcome. If you have a clear outcome you want to achieve with your words, it’s much easier to decide how to structure your communication and to select the specific words to use. Of course, it’s rare that communication is a simple matter of crafting a message and delivering it. Most of the time we’re involved in dialogue and group discussion. So listen to what other people say and you’ll find out whether or not your words achieved their outcome. If not, it’s time to have another go – rephrase your message and try again. 146

Most people would agree that there are two main things involved in communication: speaking and listening. However, just because these two things are going on, it does not always mean that communication occurs. One of the reasons that communication fails is that, frequently, when we are having what passes for a conversation with someone else, we are either not fully listening or we make so many assumptions about what is being said that we do not learn anything new from what we are hearing. We simply use it as further support for our (already established) point of view. We have already seen how we filter our experiences to support what we already believe to be true. The more deeply held a belief is, the harder it is to challenge it. So most of the time when we are engaged in conversation, we end up with an impression of what was said that is incomplete, inaccurate or both. Not all of this is a result of the listening – what we say is also filtered to make our conversation concise and easy to follow. Therefore, there are three main skills in communication: 1. Asking questions 2. Making sense of what other people say 3. Directing other people to think in certain ways through your choice of words (In fact, asking questions is a special case of directing other people’s thoughts with your choice of language, but it’s often helpful to think of it separately.) 147

When you use language purposefully, there are two main ways to get results: by elicitation and by installation. Elicitation means asking questions to find out information about the structure and content of another person’s map of the world. In elicitation we presuppose as little as possible and avoid making suggestions. Good, ‘clean’ elicitation will not change the person’s map of the world. The result of elicitation is that you find out something about the other person’s thinking. Installation means planting a thought or idea, a belief or a memory into a person’s map of the world in such a way that they accept it as part of their map. Once this is done it can be very difficult to remove it and return the person’s reality to the way it was before the installation. Hence it is important to realize when and what we are installing and to ensure it is in line with agreed outcomes. The result of installation is that you change the other person’s thinking.

As a general principle, find out as much as is necessary about the current attitude someone holds before you attempt to shift it.

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Asking questions – the meta model The meta model was developed by Bandler and Grinder as a result of their modelling of the great psychotherapist Virginia Satir. It is essentially a set of questions that can be used to dig a bit deeper into what people say. When we make an internal representation of the outside world, it is composed of sensory information. The full linguistic description of our experience, outside of conscious awareness, is known as the deep structure. The deep structure cannot be communicated fully; it’s like trying to describe a dream. The words we actually say in describing our experience are known as the surface structure. The deep structure is subjected to deletion, distortion and generalization to create the surface structure. The meta model is usually divided into three parts that correspond with the three actions of the linguistic filters: deletion, distortion and generalization. The questions challenge incomplete or inaccurate statements and recover the meaning that has been lost to the filters. The result of using it is that you can help people to be more precise and specific in what they say, and sometimes help them to view their experience more constructively. Deletion: There are several different kinds of deletion. One of the most common forms of deletion is heard in business in comments like ‘Communication is terrible at present’ or ‘There’s a complete lack of teamwork’ or ‘Performance is up this month.’ What these statements have in common is 149

that they have deleted information about what is actually being done and covered it up with an abstract noun. For example, the word ‘communication’ replaces details about is who is communicating what to whom (or not). To recover these details, simply ask, ‘Who is not communicating about what?’ Similarly, for the other examples you could ask, ‘What work should the team be doing together?’ or ‘Who is performing well at what?’ Simply ask. But since this is not the kind of question that people get asked regularly, you should take care in how you ask. It must be done with rapport; you must demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in the details, otherwise you risk sounding like the Spanish Inquisition! Another common form of deletion is where the information about who is doing something is lost. For example, ‘They don’t listen to me’ or ‘She didn’t invite me to the meeting’ or ‘They turned up late.’ You may think you know who is being referred to, but sometimes it’s a good idea to check. The ubiquitous ‘they’ is usually worth challenging, to find out whether or not the speaker actually knows whom they are referring to! In this case all you have to ask is: ‘Who specifically?’ Sometimes this kind of deletion is paired up with a further type, known as an unspecified verb. This is when the details of how something was done are filtered off, as in ‘He rejected my idea’ or ‘They upset us’ or ‘She ruined that project.’ Again, we may think we know what is meant by each of these statements – and we may be wrong again! Find out 150

more by asking, ‘How specifically?’ In the former case you may find that what ‘he’ said about the speaker’s idea was he needed more time to consider it. Of course, if you are going to ask these questions, there has to be a purpose. You will quickly lose a lot of goodwill from friends and colleagues if you start challenging every deletion you hear. It is probably most useful to use this kind of approach in interviews, coaching sessions, counselling and investigation of training and organisational development needs. Distortion: The second area of the meta model deals with distortion. I should emphasize that this is unconscious distortion as a result of unconscious filters, not any wilful distortion of facts. One of the most common forms of distortion is ‘mind-reading’, where a person claims to know someone else’s feelings or thoughts, as in ‘You don’t like me’ or ‘He’s angry with me’ or ‘They won’t agree.’ Sometimes these judgements are made on valid information, but if you suspect that they are simply invented you can ask, ‘How do you know?’ Again, done with rapport and genuine interest, this can be a powerful question that could bring someone to a useful realization that they actually have no reason to assume hostility from another person (nor indeed to assume anything else). Another form of distortion is when opinions and value judgements are expressed without being attributed to anyone. These may be heard in comments such as ‘You should 151

work hard all the time’ or ‘It’s not a good idea to throw away those files’ or ‘It’s best to keep an open mind.’ None of these comments are presented as a subjective judgement, but rather as objective fact (all proverbs also come into this category). A statement like this may be preventing someone from thinking for himself. To challenge it, a good question to ask is ‘Who says?’ or ‘According to whom?’ There is, as with all meta-model questions, a risk of this sounding aggressive, so ensure that you are in rapport before asking. A third kind of distortion comes when something is taken to have a meaning that may not be accurate, for example, ‘I didn’t get the promotion; the boss doesn’t like me’ or ‘Sales are down; the product range is awful this season.’ In neither case does the one statement necessarily imply the other, but the speaker is taking the two to be connected in this way. There are two ways that this can be challenged. First you can challenge the logic. For example, ‘How does your not getting promoted mean that the boss doesn’t like you?’ or ‘How does a drop in sales mean that there’s something wrong with the product range?’ The other way to challenge this would be to focus on the counter-example. For example, ‘Are there other people whom the boss likes that didn’t get promoted either?’ or ‘Have sales ever fallen when the product range was good?’ Either way, to challenge this type of distortion will focus attention on faulty deductions and get back to what is actually known as fact. This can be really useful in problem solving and counselling situations where there seems to be no way forward and 152

no choices. Challenging the distortions will usually open up some possibilities. Generalization: The third area of the meta model deals with generalizations. Generalizations are useful because they give us the ability to spot patterns and to apply our experience in one situation to another similar one. However, they also form the basis of prejudice and narrow-mindedness, so it can also be useful to challenge them on occasion. The most common forms of generalization involve words like ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘everyone’, ‘no one’ and ‘all’. For example, ‘It always rains in Manchester’ or ‘Nobody ever listens to me’ or ‘All salespeople are extroverts.’ Clearly these statements are untrue, but many people act as if their generalizations are fact and miss opportunities and possibilities because of it. The ‘rule of thumb’ here is that all generalizations are untrue – including this one! The way to challenge generalizations is simple: you echo back, ‘Always?’ or ‘Nobody? Ever?’ or ‘All of them?’ (with a suitable amount of incredulity). In doing this, you are again looking for the counter-example; your questions could alternatively be phrased as ‘Is it ever fine in Manchester?’ or ‘Has anybody ever listened to you?’ or ‘Are there any salespeople who are introverts?’ I would urge particular care when challenging generalizations. Often when a person says something like ‘Nobody ever listens to me’ (especially if it’s said with some feeling) it’s an indicator that somebody in particular is not listening 153

to something important right now. The person may be feeling undervalued or rejected and a smart response like ‘What, nobody? Ever?’ may not be the most tactful thing you can say. In that case, treat it like a deletion and ask, ‘Who in particular is not listening to you?’ While there are other kinds of deletions, distortions and generalizations, the ones described above are some of the most common I have encountered in business. The overall effect of the questions I have suggested is to challenge the validity of the statement and encourage the speaker to be more precise, more specific in what they are telling you. With practice, you will be able to avoid some of the common frustrations of communications at work – such as preparing a report and being told afterwards, ‘That wasn’t what I wanted’ or tailoring a presentation to suit what you had been told about the audience, only to discover that the information was incorrect. Using meta model questions won’t entirely remove the subjectivity from a point of view, but it may bring you closer to understanding what is really being said – and what is really meant!

Presuppositions: making sense of what other people say We’ve already explored some tools for making sense of what other people say. If you pay attention to the sensory language used, you can get an idea of a person’s rep system preferences. If you listen for language associated with 154

metaprogrammes, that will also help to clarify the structure of their thinking. If you want to understand more about what someone thinks, then paying attention to the presuppositions they use will help. Presuppositions are linguistic assumptions. We identify a presupposition in relation to what has been said. If a statement only makes sense if a second statement is true, then we can say that it presupposes the second statement. For example, if I ask you, ‘What colour is your car?’ the question only makes sense if you have a car. We can therefore say that the question presupposes that you have a car. In this case the presupposition is unspoken, but nonetheless is part of the speaker’s map of the world. Sometimes the presupposition is part of what is said. For example, the observation, ‘John’s angry with me because I was late’ presupposes that the cause of John being angry is the speaker’s lateness. It also presupposes that John is angry. In conversation we may not immediately recognize them as presuppositions – especially if we share them!

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The important thing in identifying presuppositions is to focus on the actual words used, not your own internal representation of what they mean.

Identifying presuppositions Within any statement, there are likely to be several presuppositions. Some of these will be more obvious than others and, in terms of our responses, some will be of greater interest to us. Take the following statement: ‘I didn’t apply to do the MBA because I didn’t want to give up my social life.’ This statement contains the following presuppositions: 1. I could have applied to do the MBA 2. I didn’t apply to do the MBA 3. I have a social life 4. It’s not possible to do the MBA and also have a social life. Another way of thinking of this is that the presuppositions are statements that can be logically inferred from what is said. In the example above, the final presupposition is probably the one that is of most interest if you’re in a conversation with the speaker. You could respond directly to that presupposition and say, ‘So it’s not possible for you to do 156

the MBA and also have a social life?’ It depends on your outcome for the conversation. The value to you of looking at the presuppositions in what somebody says is that they give you an insight into what they’re not saying but assume to be true, without you having to ask any questions.

Influencing another person’s thinking using presuppositions Not only is it useful to be able to recognize what is assumed by the speaker, it’s also possible to make appropriate presuppositions in our own responses, thus creating internal representations in line with our outcomes. When someone listens to you speaking they make internal representations based on the language you use. The presuppositions in that language can have a great impact on the internal representations they make and how they feel about what you have said. In other words, presuppositions have consequences. It is awareness of those consequences and of our own outcomes that lead to elegance and precision in communication. The degree of influence you achieve by using language in this way will be determined partly by the degree of rapport between you and the listener. It doesn’t matter how subtle the language is, if you don’t have rapport you’re less likely to get the outcome you want.

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In each of the following examples, consider which language is most likely to achieve the stated outcome. Outcome: to ensure that a colleague writes a particular letter. 1. Are you going to write that letter? 2. Are you going to write that letter before the meeting or after? Outcome: to arrange a meeting with a busy senior colleague. 1. Can I have a meeting with you sometime next week? 2. When next week would be a good time for us to meet? Outcome: to encourage a colleague who is about to make an important presentation. 1. You know that being nervous just means that youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll do a great job. 2. Are you nervous? Outcome: to express frustration at lack of progress on a project. 1. You have let me down by missing that deadline. 2. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m frustrated because we now have to work twice as hard to meet the next deadline.

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Outcome: to persuade someone to make a decision now. 1. What else do you need to know to be able to make a decision? 2. What would it take for you to be able to decide right now? Outcome: to ‘sell’ NLP to a colleague 1. If you were to learn NLP what would be most useful to you? 2. You ought to do NLP; it would really help you. Outcome: to help a colleague understand a complex idea. 1. Shall I explain it again? 2. What’s the one question you can ask me that will make it all clear for you? Outcome: to challenge the approach to a task or project. 1. If this were not the best way of going about the job, how would you know? 2. Are you sure this is the best way to do it? Outcome: to give feedback that someone may not be pleased to hear. 1. I know you’re not going to like this but it’s better that you know. 2. I know you are going to want to know how to improve the situation.

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Outcome: to encourage a demoralized team. 1. Things can only get better. 2. Things can’t get any worse. Now that you’ve got the idea, you can only succeed in making your own communication more precise, more elegant and more effective.

Embedded commands Another way of influencing another person’s thinking is to use embedded commands. An embedded command is an instruction to do something that is delivered as part of a longer sentence, often a question. Native speakers of UK English do this a lot. It’s common to hear people say things like ‘Could you possibly shut the door?’, ‘Would you like to give me the figures now?’ and ‘Could I ask you to pass me that file, please?’ This is a pattern of speaking that most people regard as more polite than simply ‘Shut the door’, ‘Give me the figures now’ or ‘Pass me that file.’ However, in other languages and other countries this would be perfectly acceptable. It’s also common to hear people saying things like ‘Don’t worry about this. It’s not a big problem’ or ‘It’s urgent, but I can’t ask you stay late to finish it’ or ‘It shouldn’t take a long time. I don’t think you’ll miss lunch.’

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Can you hear the way that these statements plant ideas in your mind that are actually the opposite of what the words literally mean? Right now, this minute, don’t think about what you’re doing this weekend. What came to mind, did you think about what you’re doing at the weekend? This is because at the simplest level of processing, it’s practically impossible to represent ‘don’t’ so we just represent the rest of the sentence: ‘…think about what you’re doing at the weekend.’ So, even though at a conscious level we hear the ‘don’t’, below consciousness, we’re getting the opposite message. This is confusing and dilutes the impact of what is said. Here’s a quick exercise for you to practise spotting embedded commands in everyday language. For each sentence, underline the embedded command: • • • • •

Don’t worry, it’s not difficult. Don’t waste your time doing that. That isn’t the best way to do the job. Don’t forget to bring the files. Don’t start without me. 161

• • • • • • • • • •

You shouldn’t use the front entrance. Don’t laugh, but… Don’t forget the security code. This isn’t important, don’t make it a priority. Don’t even think about it! Don’t think you can get away with doing that. It doesn’t work if you do it that way. Don’t forget to fill the car up with petrol. Don’t lose sleep over it. Don’t drop that!

Do you notice how the embedded command conflicts with the overall message? If you can edit this kind of conflict out of your own communication it will make a difference not just to your success in getting your message across but also to the way other people perceive you. To avoid embedding conflicting commands in your language, focus on telling people what you want and how you want it rather than discussing what you don’t want. This gives a much clearer message and also makes you sound more confident and reliable. If you do nothing else with this insight, scan important emails and presentations for embedded commands that you may have inadvertently included and which could detract from your carefully

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crafted message. Rephrase them to ensure they support your message completely. The use of language is a vast subject within NLP and there is further reading you could do if you’re interested. For the purposes of this book, though, let us finish by recapping the basic principles.

The keys to effective use of language are: • Know your outcome, not just for the conversation as a whole, but for every question you ask and every comment you make. • Listen with your whole mind. Build up a clear second position. This will make it easier to tailor your communication to ensure that the person you are communicating with understands what you want them to understand. • Notice whether the question you asked elicited the information you wanted. Notice the structure of the information. • Be prepared to ask the same question in a number of different ways until you find out what you want to know.

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Introducing CBT

Even if you do your best to treat yourself and other people well, there are bound to be some difficult periods in your life, and coping with them can be hard. This chapter from Introducing CBT (CognitiveÂ Behavioural Therapy) gives you some proven techniques for getting through bad times.

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Coping with bad times People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out. But when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within. Elizabeth Kubler Ross

CBT highlights the way distortions in our thoughts and beliefs about events in our life lead to emotional distress and/or patterns of unhelpful behaviour. However, what does it say about situations where our so called negative thoughts could be correct? Perhaps you’ve lost someone you love. It might be accurate to say, ‘I’ll never see that person again.’ That’s no exaggeration, or other type of negative distortion – anyone, understandably, would be extremely upset. We all experience unpleasantness in our lives sometimes, but some people are faced with more, and tougher, things than others. Think of any upsetting things you’ve experienced in the last five years. Write them into the table below. If need be, draw a bigger table. Date

Event

Feelings

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Here are some events that within Western society have been shown to be potentially the most stressful. Have you experienced any of them? • • • • • • • • • •

Death of a spouse, partner or close family member Prison sentence Death of a close friend Divorce/family break-up Relationship break-up Unwanted pregnancy/miscarriage (you or your partner) Period of homelessness/housing problems Significant debt/financial problems Unemployment Serious illness of you or family member.

Are there any others on your list? Do fill in the table and take the time and effort to write down your feelings too. If you have experienced one or several from our list, research suggests you are more likely to experience both physical and mental health problems, and to find yourself less able to cope socially. The more you’ve experienced, the worse you are likely to feel. Actually, it’s not quite as simple as this. Many variables dictate a person’s responses to stress. Some people are more resilient and therefore cope better with stressful events than others. While certain factors like biological vulnerabilities, upbringing or historical events are beyond our control, there are many things we can do to improve our chances 167

of coping more successfully with stressful events. Contrary to popular belief, some people aren’t just stronger than others. Our resilience and ability to manage stress changes throughout our lifetime, and normally ‘strong’ people can at certain times find themselves feeling defeated by things which they coped well with at other times. It’s helpful to think we all have a limited capacity for stress, rather like a bucket which holds a finite amount of water. We all experience some stress in everyday life. Indeed some stress is needed to motivate and energize us into action. However, if our stress bucket is consistently almost full, it won’t take very much more for it to overflow, or for us to develop difficulties in coping. This is why sometimes a seemingly small problem coming on top of many other comparatively small problems can finally make us feel we’re falling apart. We’ve perhaps coped very successfully with everything until then, but that’s where it all ends in tears.

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Research shows that many factors dictate how we are affected by negative life events, both big and small. Some are discussed briefly in a moment. Read each one and think about your own life experiences. How have they equipped you to cope with stressful life events? Are there particular ways in which you are vulnerable to stress, or in which you are more resilient? Negative experiences can often work in different ways for different people at different times. Sometimes we can learn from things and become more skilled through our experiences. At other times we can’t and the identical negative experiences can have a much greater effect. If you find yourself less able to cope successfully with stress, there are probably many good reasons for this. It’s certainly not that you are just weak.

Key factors determining coping • • • •

Meaning of the event Identification of your strengths and abilities Historical factors Personality traits.

Let’s look at these in a bit more detail. The meaning we give to events can change both our reactions, and our ability to cope with them. For example, if we think we caused a problem by doing something wrong, our reaction will depend on whether or not we view our mistake as understandable. If we think the mistake was 169

forgivable, we may be able to learn from it and make positive changes for the future. But if we judge ourselves as ‘bad’ or flawed we may feel helpless to change and learn from the experience. One view means we can still feel good about ourselves, the other means we don’t. If we think we have the strengths and abilities to cope with a situation, and that it is manageable, however awful it may be, then we’ll use strategies which are more likely to have a positive outcome. These are approach-related strategies like problem-solving, learning from difficult experiences, and using support from others. But if we think that we can’t cope, or that the problem is totally unmanageable, we’re more likely to use less successful strategies. These avoidance-related strategies include staying away from others, cutting down on the things we normally do, using drugs or alcohol to escape or pretending that the problem doesn’t exist, while vainly hoping it will simply disappear. Predictably, these strategies have been shown to be less successful. Historical factors like upbringing, education and early life experiences are also important in coping with stress. If we’ve been taught that showing emotion means we’re weak, we may be angry with ourselves for what are normal reactions under the circumstances. So for example, if we lose a very dear partner or friend, we may cope less well as we berate ourselves for feeling very normal emotions such as sadness and grief. But if we’ve been taught that we should express and share our emotions, though our grief 170

will still be as strong, it will be easier to manage and we’ll cope better with it. Personality traits such as optimism or sociability may also make us more or less vulnerable to stress. Social support has been shown to be very important in how we manage after a stressful life event. People who are naturally sociable, or form close relationships therefore have an advantage here. Many other factors have a role in how well you cope. These include your age, socio-economic status or lifestage. Clearly some factors above are more within our control than others. The meaning you give to events and your prediction of how you’ll cope are central to CBT. By the time you are finished with this book, you are likely to have learned to both identify and to handle these in very different ways. As for the influence of historical factors and personality traits, the good news is that none of these are insurmountable. No matter what the situation, we can all learn to manage stress better, irrespective of our background, gender, age or experience. The definition of a stressful life event differs for everyone. Just because your particular stressor isn’t on our list, this doesn’t make it any less difficult or challenging for you.

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Golden rules for coping with stressful life events In the following sections we will look at the golden rules for coping with a stressful situation and looking after yourself during a difficult time.

1. Take care of the basics When bad things happen it’s tempting to curl up into a ball under the duvet and get out of your usual routines and habits. Taking care of your basic needs is even more important at these times. You may not feel like eating, and sleeping may seem impossible, but it’s vital you take care of yourself. Eat little and often rather than trying to force down normal meals, but make sure you do eat – emotional times can drain us of energy and our bodies need food, despite our minds insisting we’re not hungry and don’t want it. Try to rest even if your sleep is disturbed. Many people find that sleeping tablets used sensibly and for as short a time period as possible can be a useful way to get through the first few nights after something difficult has happened.

2. Keep (reasonably) busy Going through the motions of our usual routines can actually be very helpful during difficult times. If you usually take the dog for a walk in the morning or pop out to the local shop for a paper in the afternoon, try continuing with these activities. We all have familiar tasks which can help keep us in touch with normal life and we do almost on autopilot. 172

They can prove soothing at difficult times, and can also remind us that our life is still going on and that we can still control at least some aspects of it. Sometimes we have to go through the motions in order to then move on with life.

Case study – Bhaven Bhaven, a recently widowed young husband, described how about a year after his wife died he went to a party. He went because his friends had asked him and he felt bad about declining yet another invitation. He didn’t particularly want to go and when there said that he did not really enjoy himself. However, Bhaven admitted afterwards that it had not been quite as bad as he’d anticipated, and was even able to think that next time it would be easier to go, and that eventually he might even be able to start enjoying parties, like he used to before his bereavement. Beware – sometimes people use work or other activities as a way of hiding from or avoiding their emotions. This can mean it takes longer to recover.

3. Exercise This could well be the last thing you feel like doing. However, there’s good evidence that physical exercise is important for managing low mood and stress. Even just a brisk walk round the block or in a local park may improve 173

your mood just a little and will probably have a more positive effect than simply sitting and focusing on your problems. SO … the exercise is … EXERCISE! Get moving! Go on, force yourself to do anything physically active – just for 5 minutes. Do it!

4. Allow yourself to feel sad This may sound strange, but many people spend a lot of time fighting normal, natural reactions to what has happened to them. Losses and disappointments can bring grief. Feeling and expressing grief and sadness is neither weak nor pointless. It may even be the only way we can truly heal and move on. Everyone experiences and expresses emotions differently. No way is either right or wrong. However, when we struggle and fight against feeling painful emotions, usually we only make them worse. Think of what you might do if you were trapped in quicksand. Your first instinct would be to struggle desperately to escape. But that’s just the opposite of what you should do. The more you flail around, the faster the sand will suck you down. Your best bet is to stop struggling, lie flat and slowly inch forward. It’s the same with painful emotions. Stop struggling and try to just tolerate the pain. Stay with it. Don’t fight the feelings – they’ll get stronger and try to drag you down. Remind yourself that what you are feeling is normal, natural and understandable. Most importantly, remind yourself that, with time, you will heal and the feelings will pass. That does not mean that your loss will 174

ever be either forgotten or even totally eradicated, but just that your feelings will become less intense and less painful over time. Some things will always hurt, but they will gradually have less effect on your ability to function – even if, while you are going through it, that time seems impossible to imagine, or a really long way off. When you feel sad, just allow yourself to feel that way. Remember: • • • • • • • • • •

You are feeling this way for a reason This is just how you feel right now There will be good days and bad days Feelings change and even grief comes and goes in intensity Make the most of the good days and on the bad days be good to yourself Do things that soothe and comfort you and be gentle with yourself Treat yourself the way you’d treat a close friend or a child who was in pain You will heal faster if show yourself kindness Don’t scold yourself or tell yourself ‘you should be over it by now’ Be your own best friend.

Finally, and most important of all: • Do what is right for you. 175

It’s utterly useless demanding that you ‘pull yourself together’. If it were that simple, you’d have done it ages ago – and we wouldn’t be writing this book! Ideas of how to be gentle to yourself Take a warm bath. Have a massage. Eat comfort food (bananas and chocolate can help – but don’t overdo it!). Make time to talk to a friend. Watch a favourite film. Go for a walk in the countryside. Buy a new outfit. See how many other ideas you can come up with which we haven’t mentioned. We aren’t suggesting for a moment that any of these things will take your emotional pain away completely. However, they may help to relax you a little. Indulge yourself just enough to give yourself space to overcome the numbness and start to feel again.

5. Watch out for distorted thinking At the beginning of this chapter we warned how some negative thoughts at difficult times in our lives are inevitable, and may actually be accurate. But that doesn’t mean they all are. We can still have distortions and misinterpretations in our thinking at times like this. Notice the things that are going through your mind. How accurate are the assumptions you are making and the things you are saying to yourself right now? How helpful are they to you? 176

Case study – Jenny Jenny is going through a divorce, having found out her husband has had a series of affairs. He has finally left her for a younger woman he met at work. Naturally she is very angry, sad and distressed. Many thoughts go through her mind. Some of these thoughts, such as ‘he doesn’t love me anymore’, ‘he finds her more attractive than me’ or ‘he wants to be with her more than with me’ may well be true. Of course they’ll hurt terribly. However, these thoughts are accompanied by many others which are less true and just deepen distress unnecessarily. Examples are given in the table below. Distorted thought

Logical counter-arguments

No-one will ever love me or find me attractive again Every man will eventually leave for a younger woman – they’re all the same I will never be happy again

See if you can find some logical counter-arguments to these examples of distortions in Jenny’s thinking. Write them in the right hand column above. We’ve given some suggestions in the table below, and of course there can be a whole lot more.

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Distorted thought

Logical counter-arguments

No-one will ever love me or find me attractive again

None of us can predict the future

Every man will eventually leave for a younger woman – they’re all the same

Everyone is different

I will never be happy again

Painful feelings rarely last forever, even if they are excruciating at the time

Though the thoughts in the left hand column may feel as true as Jenny’s initial thoughts (‘he doesn’t love me anymore’, ‘he finds her more attractive than me,’ and ‘he wants to be with her more than with me’) an outsider can see how they are distortions of reality. Think of some examples of possible thought distortions. Can you think of any that apply to you in your current situation? Try drawing up your own table like Jenny’s above. Either way, see if you can identify any distorted thoughts you’ve been having, and work on balancing them or providing logical counter-arguments.

However awful or painful your situation is, it may be that not all your very negative thoughts or predictions are completely true. Work on catching yourself if you are trying to predict the future or jumping to conclusions based on your current situation. 178

Don’t give yourself more pain by telling yourself that you can never move on or get over this. Have you ever noticed how in a city it can be very hard, if not impossible, to see the stars in the night sky? This is because the light pollution generated by buildings, streetlights and cars prevents us from seeing the light of those stars. The wonderful thing is that the stars are still there. We just can’t see them. As soon as the lights are turned off or we go out into the countryside we see the stars again. It is a little like this with good things in our lives when we are in pain. We can’t see any positives. However, it is so important to remind ourselves that they are still there somewhere. When our situation changes and the painful feelings dim even just a little, then the positives start emerging and become clearer again. None of this is about denying or avoiding the negatives. They are all too real. It is about recognizing that nothing is ever either pure black or white.

6. Cut down on self-criticism Telling yourself that you are weak because you are ‘not coping’ is not likely to be helpful right now. Be a friend to yourself. You can be firm and encourage yourself to move forward – but at the right pace and in a supportive, kindly way. You will find that this is much more effective than beating yourself up for reacting in a very normal way, which

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you would probably understand and forgive very easily in others.

7. Lean on others We all need support in difficult times. It can be very hard to admit that we need help, or are not coping as well as we’d like. It can make us feel that we are weak or useless, and that people whose opinion we value think less of us. However, very often when we make the first move to ask for support, we can be pleasantly surprised. Usually people are pleased to be asked to help. We all like to be needed or feel useful and sometimes helping someone else can make us feel better about things in our own lives. Give those around you a chance. Reach out and ask for help – even in small, practical ways. You’ll probably be surprised with the results. Be wise in your choices – select people you think will be supportive, and let them know what you need. If you can be brave enough to communicate your feelings and needs, the chances are those needs will be met. If help isn’t forthcoming, try to let go of any anger about this – you have enough to deal with right now.

8. Write it down There is evidence that writing about negative events can help people to feel more positive, and can even reduce the number of physical ailments they experience in the months after a difficult life event.

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Try this exercise. Set yourself a short time every day over the next few days to write about your experiences, feelings and reactions. You can write about the same thing every day or something different each day. Don’t think too closely about what you write or worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar or even accuracy! Just write. Then get rid of that writing. Don’t re-read it. Throw it away, burn it, recycle it, rip it up – whatever works for you. This exercise is designed to help make sense of and process emotionally charged information, which then helps us to move on and be less affected by stress related to the experiences we have written about. It also might explain why diary keeping has always been so popular.

When do normal reactions to stress become a mental health problem? It’s a fact that sometimes adverse life events can trigger mental health problems such as anxiety or depression. It’s very difficult for professionals to say exactly where ‘normal’ reactions stop and a mental health problem begins. For some people adjustment to an adverse life event or loss takes a very long time – it may be months or even years before you feel better or able to fully move on with life. In CBT it’s often recommended that people don’t get active or formal treatment in the first few months after a negative life event because distress – even depression and anxiety 181

– is a very normal reaction to an abnormal event in a person’s life. However, it can also be true that some people, for whatever reason, get very stuck following a negative life event and find it impossible to move on or to rebuild their lives. If you feel that this has happened to you, think first about whether you are perhaps expecting too much, too soon of yourself. Seriously, is it realistic to expect to be ‘over it’ by now? Talk to people around you. Do they think you are depressed? Sometimes others can judge this much better than we can ourselves. Most importantly, if you feel that things are out of control and the self-help strategies suggested here aren’t working, despite time and practice, then ask for help. What does your GP think?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) So far in this chapter we have talked about quite common, but difficult and stressful life events. These can feel traumatic, but the traumatic events we are looking at in this section are in a different league. The kind of events which might lead to developing PTSD are ones people believe are life threatening either to themselves or to someone close to them, and that they are helpless to do anything about. Traumatic events, while rare, can happen to anyone. Reading newspaper stories can make one wonder how people cope with situations involving serious injury or death. PTSD arises when the normal responses to an abnormal event: 182

• Begin within 6 months of the event or period of trauma • Carry on for more than 3 months after this time • Start over 6 months after the trauma – this is called delayed onset PTSD. People experiencing traumatic events feel intense fear, helplessness or horror. Traumatic events are outside our normal experience. Divorce, bereavements (except those caused by traumatic events), loss of employment, chronic illness and marital or domestic conflict therefore don’t count as trauma even though, as we have seen, they may be triggers for extreme stress and even anxiety and depression. PTSD has a very particular set of symptoms, different to those of mental health problems, though PTSD sufferers may also have elements of both depression and anxiety. Examples of common traumas that may lead to PTSD are road traffic accidents, attacks or assaults, combat situations and being caught up in natural disasters or acts of terrorism. Commonly, after a traumatic event most people get some of the following reactions: • Distressing thoughts, memories, images, dreams or flashbacks of the trauma which keep recurring – sometimes there are blank bits which the person can’t recall • Avoidance; where possible, you try to avoid places, people, activities, thoughts, feelings, conversations or anything else which might trigger memories or thoughts of the trauma 183

• Emotional numbness, detachment from others, difficulty having loving feelings • Seeing the future as hopeless, pointless and likely to be short-lived • Losing interest in and stopping activities you used to enjoy • Increased arousal – you are easily startled and don’t like bright lights or loud noise • Problems sleeping, irritability, anger, difficulty concentrating and increased vigilance. These reactions may be very normal at first and usually pass with time and the use of some good coping strategies. However, for some people, for reasons that we don’t yet fully understand, these symptoms don’t improve and may even worsen over time. Have you gone through a traumatic event and been experiencing any of the feelings above? If they aren’t improving, or are even worsening, you may find the exercises later in this chapter useful. But if things get no better, or even get worse, then it’s very important to seek professional help, either from your doctor, or a qualified mental health professional.

Why do flashbacks happen? We don’t know exactly why the brain re-experiences things in the way that it does following trauma. Psychologists believe, however, that it’s to do with the way in which the brain processes events and stores them as memories. Just 184

imagine your memory is like the linen cupboard of a neat, organized housewife (or husband). Each item is first sorted, neatly folded, then put away in an ordered fashion. Sheets go with sheets in one pile, pillow cases are all together in another. When the door is shut, our memories stay locked up inside. When something happens and we choose to open the door, we can take out a memory and examine it or use it. Occasionally things fall off the shelf and out the door at strange or inappropriate times, but generally we can pack stuff away again and it’s no big deal. Now imagine that along comes a huge, irregularlyshaped duvet which has to be put into the cupboard. It doesn’t fit. It won’t fold into a neat, organized shape and no matter how our heroine (or hero!) tries to pack it away, it just keeps falling back out, forcing the door open. This is what seems to happen with traumatic memories. Our brains initially seem to find it impossible to make sense of or properly process these types of memory – perhaps because they are so far out of our normal experiences and expectations of life. There’s no template to fit them in. It’s as if our brains need to keep re-experiencing the memory in order to try to process it – to pack it away. All the time it’s not processed in the usual way, we experience the event not as a normal memory from the past but as a new event – just as if it is happening right now. There is some evidence that the part of the brain which is associated with traumatic memories is the same part connecting to our flight, fight or freeze mechanism which is often associated with anxiety. So all our 185

anxiety reactions are triggered each time this event pops up, unbidden, into our minds. Flashbacks can be terrifying, horrible experiences, but they may actually be our brain’s way of trying to heal itself. Fortunately there are ways of lending your brain a helping hand to accomplish this.

What you should not do Quite often people use alcohol or even illicit drugs to try to relax, to help them sleep and to stop thinking about the event. Unfortunately this usually proves at best unsuccessful, and at worst, can increase your problems by adding alcohol or drug dependency to them. If you try to drown your problems with alcohol, chances are they will learn to swim!

What you should do Let yourself accept the whole array of feelings that you are experiencing. Remind yourself that these are perfectly normal under the circumstances. They don’t mean you are ‘going crazy’, ‘being pathetic’, or any similarly unhelpful name-calling you are doing. Now look at what you are doing differently compared to before the trauma. Are you over-cautious? If you were attacked, are you now unwilling to leave home after dark, despite living in a safe area? If what you are doing really is excessively cautious compared to before, make a list of the things you are now avoiding and start facing them one at a time, perhaps trying the easiest first. You might even ask 186

a friend or relative to accompany you in the first instance, but then move on to doing it on your own, just as you did before. At first it can be very frightening but as you repeat the actions, and find that nothing awful happens, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll probably find your self-confidence steadily increasing. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so important that you do re-evaluate the actual event, perhaps talking it through with someone. Maybe there really is something to be learned. In the example of a violent burglary, you might decide to install a burglar alarm and use it for certain rooms even when you are in the house. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had a car accident linked to driving in bad weather conditions, you might decide to do an advanced driving course. Work on discriminating between what is a reasoned, more cautious approach, from the probably quite extreme course of action being dictated by your anxiety alone.

Separating then from now The way our minds store information after a trauma is often a bit jumbled up. At the time of the trauma, everything tends to happen really quickly, and each bit can get tangled up with the others. Quite often an innocuous smell, sound, or even piece of music can take you back into the trauma, which then triggers a complete flashback of the whole event. If you do experience this, then remind yourself kindly but firmly that that was then, but then is not now. Tell yourself where you are, for instance in a different car, and remind 187

yourself of the date today, and the date of the trauma, to help you separate the then from the now. You can apply this technique to any trauma and it is especially helpful if you are experiencing frequent flashbacks.

Coping with flashbacks Tell yourself you are having a flashback and that this is OK and very normal in people who have experienced trauma. Remind yourself that the worst is over – it happened in the past but it is not happening now. Remember: ‘that was then, and this is now’. The traumatized part of you is giving you these memories to use in your healing and, however terrible you feel, you survived the awfulness then, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now. Call on the stronger part of you to tell the traumatized part that you are not alone, not in any danger now, and that you can get through this. Let your traumatized self know that it’s OK to remember and to feel what you feel, and that this will help you in your healing and getting over what happened to you. However hard it is for you, your brain is attempting to heal itself the only way that it can. Try some of these ways of grounding yourself by becoming more aware of the present: • Stand up, stamp your feet, jump up and down, dance about, clap your hands, remind yourself where you are now 188

• Look around the room, notice the colours, the people, the shapes of things – make it more real • Listen to and really notice the sounds around you like traffic, voices, machinery or music • Notice the sensations in your body, the boundary of your skin, your clothes, the chair or floor supporting you • Pinch yourself or ping an elastic band on your wrist – that feeling is in the now. The things you are re-experiencing were in the past. Take care of your breathing. Breathe deeply down to your diaphragm; put your hand there (just above your navel) and breathe so that your hand gets pushed up and down. Imagine you have a balloon in your tummy, inflating as you breathe in and deflating as you breathe out. When we get scared, we breathe too quickly and shallowly and our body begins to panic because we’re not getting enough oxygen. This causes dizziness, shakiness and more panic. Breathing more slowly and deeply will stop the panic. If you have lost a sense of where you end and the rest of the world begins, rub your arms and legs so you can feel the edges of your body, the boundary of you. Wrap yourself in a blanket and feel it around you. Get support if you would like it. Let people close to you know about the flashbacks so they can help if you want them to. That might mean holding you, talking to you and helping you to reconnect with the present, to remember you are safe and cared for now. 189

Flashbacks are powerful experiences which drain your energy. Take time to look after yourself when you have had a flashback. Try a warm, relaxing bath, have a nap (not both at once!), have something hot to drink, play some soothing music or just take some quiet time for yourself. You deserve to be taken care of given all you’ve been through. When you feel ready, write down all you can remember about the flashback and focus on how you got through it. This will help you to remember information for your healing and to remind you that you did get through it (and so can again). Remember you are not crazy – flashbacks are normal and part of healing. This section has been used with the kind permission of Carol Vivyan.

Plan some activities After a trauma, especially one involving loss, everything can feel both overwhelming and yet at the same time pointless. It’s tempting to do very little. But the catch is, the less you do, the worse you feel and the more everything mounts up. So you feel still worse, do even less, watch the backlog grow and just don’t know where to start – and anyway, you think, what’s the point? A way out of this hole is to start with a rough plan for each day – one thing to do in the morning, one in the afternoon and something for the evening. Try to plan one week 190

ahead, carry out what your plan tells you to do and then plan the next whole week. Congratulate yourself for having done the things you achieve, but work on not beating yourself up for what you didn’t do. Instead, break that activity down into smaller steps and put them onto next week’s schedule.

Move from audience to film director Flashbacks can be horribly unpleasant and even terrifying. One way to deal with them, as we’ve mentioned above, is the technique of separating then from now. Another solution is to discover that you have a level of control that maybe you thought was impossible. While you are unlikely to prevent flashbacks, when they do start, you can experiment with treating the scene as a film you are watching. Instead of being a passive member of the audience, take over the role of film director. Start modifying the flashback, treating it as if it were a film, rather than the real event. Tell yourself that though the event did happen, what is now going through your head is something your mind is picturing. Give yourself the option that you really don’t have to watch that particular picture again, and let yourself instead work on developing a different ending. Some people change the distance from the event, so it becomes small and far away, others might take the aggressor and make them look ridiculous, for instance by imagining them in a clown-suit, wearing clown’s make up, and walking along on their hands. Still others bring someone or something comforting into the 191

event, so they feel they are receiving warmth and support. The important thing with this technique, called imagery rescripting, is that in no way are you denying that the actual event took place. What you are doing is being creative with your imagination. There is no reason why you have to keep reliving it as it was. You discover that, surprisingly, you do have a choice of what you watch inside your mind, and you can choose something that feels better in some way.

The silver lining Finally, it is worth remembering that many people who have recovered from a traumatic or stressful life event have said that with hindsight, they now see it as an important wake up call. They then start making many changes to their world which they otherwise would not have done. In fact, as one author put it ‘the individual is able to see him or herself as stronger, wiser and with a new value to his or her life’. Some researchers call this post-traumatic growth and think that to achieve the optimum level of growth and learning in life a certain amount of adversity may be important or even essential. It can be very hard to believe or recognize this when in the midst of a crisis, and even reading this may make you think we’re being insensitive or patronizing. However, it’s worth remembering that this idea has been around in the writings of philosophers for a very long time. Nietzsche is quoted as saying, ‘What does not destroy me, makes me strong’.

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Above all, remember – and heed – the words of Winston Churchill: If you’re going through Hell, keep going.

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Introducing Mindfulness

Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no denying modern life is extremely hectic, even at the best of times. These chapters from Introducing Mindfulness will help you step back and find some space, and to harness your breathing in order to help you relax.

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Space Mindfulness can help us to create space within the rush and busyness of our lives. In fact we talk about ‘creating’ space but we don’t actually have to create it – the space is already here, open and infinite. We’re creating a gap, in which we can allow the space instead of constantly filling it up with our activity.

Being What does it mean to be a human being? The mindful answer puts the emphasis on the word ‘being’. We are human beings, but we have forgotten how to be. We have become human doings, trapped in a mode of always doing, acting, achieving and keeping busy. When we stop, even for a moment, it can feel frightening and unnatural. Activity and busyness have become our default mode. In the mid-20th century when Eastern teachers started bringing the practice of meditation to the Western public, it went against the grain. Here was a practice which encouraged you to sit there, seemingly doing nothing. It appeared self-indulgent and navel-gazing. Early adopters were seen as part of the counter-culture, including literary and musical figures such as Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg and Leonard Cohen. Meditation has become much more mainstream since then, growing steadily in popularity as thousands of 196

‘ordinary’ people have tasted its benefits. When Jon KabatZinn began teaching mindfulness at his Stress Reduction Clinic in the 70s, American truck-drivers and grandmothers found themselves sitting cross-legged in silence or twisting themselves into yoga postures: it felt ‘un-American’ as one participant put it. But it changed their lives. Patients on the edge of despair learned to stop struggling with their conditions, to re-inhabit their bodies, and to enjoy life again. Mindfulness practice allows us time and space to be. It may be setting aside half an hour for the formal practice of meditation. Or it may be allowing a few seconds gap – a moment of pause. It’s not about spacing out, vegetating or going into an altered state, but being with awareness. Being aware of where we are and what is happening, right now. It doesn’t mean we can’t achieve things. In fact by training ourselves to shift regularly into this mode of being, it’s more likely that our doing mode will be effective, focused and productive. Being versus doing The Western Christian tradition is often associated with the protestant work ethic; with ‘doing’ and being active. But the Bible contains passages in which Christ encourages his listeners not to worry about material provisions, and celebrates the value of being rather than always doing.

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Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; They toil not, neither do they spin Matthew 6:28

More recently, the value of taking time out for being has been encapsulated in bumper-sticker wisdom: ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!’

Pause The space we create for mindfulness can come in all sizes. There are formal meditation sessions where you set aside time for practice – perhaps for 10, 20, 30 or more minutes a day. Many dedicated practitioners take part in longer retreat sessions lasting for a day, a week, a month, or even several years at a time, like the Englishwoman Tenzin Palmo who lived for 12 years in a Himalayan cave. At the other end of the spectrum, mindfulness practice can be done in the blink of an eye. We can pause at any time in the busy stream of our day, taking a moment to notice where we are. When we find ourselves in fastforward mode, we can press the pause button. Perhaps just for a few seconds, we can step out of automatic pilot and bring awareness to what’s happening here and now in our body, our mind and the environment. Then, without making a big deal of it, we can carry on with our day. The American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön is a muchloved meditation teacher and writer. In recent years she has been emphasizing the practice of ‘pausing’ more and more 198

in her teaching. As she writes in Taking the Leap, ‘We can always connect with the openness of our minds. We can use our days to wake up rather than go back to sleep. Give this approach a try. Make a commitment to pausing throughout the day, and do that whenever you can.’

A pause Stop reading. Take just a few seconds to notice whatever is right here, right now. Your body. Your thoughts and emotions. The environment around you. Any sights, sounds or smells. Take a few mindful breaths, being aware of the movement of the breath in and out of your body. Then carry on. The practice of pausing is not meant to be a substitute for more formal meditation – the two go hand in hand. With meditation we make time to step out of our normal whirlwind of activity and cultivate our ability to be present; to connect with a greater sense of spaciousness. Then, as we train our minds through meditation, we can also let this permeate our daily lives through small and frequent pauses throughout the day. When we become trapped in the claustrophobia of busy thoughts, we can open up to a bigger space, like puncturing holes in a dense cloud so that the sun can shine through.

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Your pause button Pick something that you can use as a trigger or reminder for your ‘pause’ practice. It could be: • A sound you hear often in the day such as a phone, car alarm or siren • A visual cue such as a sign or image on your computer or fridge • An activity you do often such as washing your hands or sending a text message. Make a decision that each time you hear or see or do this thing, you’ll just pause for a few seconds, notice where you are and what’s happening, take a few mindful breaths, and then move on. Your pause button:

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• M indfulness creates space for ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’ • If you allow time for being, it will help your doing to be more productive • Set aside time for formal meditation practice – even 5 or 10 minutes a day is a good start • You can also train yourself to create little spaces, pausing often throughout the day. Use a sound, visual cue or activity as a reminder.

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Breath Breathing is the most basic human function – to know we are breathing is to know we are alive. So, it’s not surprising that mindfulness of breath has been practised for millennia. Awareness of the breath is available to us in any moment. No special equipment is needed – our breath is always with us. Here is a movement which is going on 24 hours a day, most of the time without us noticing it. There is nothing especially mystical about it – we just practise bringing awareness to this most simple and universal activity. When you bring awareness to your breath, it is this breath, in this moment – not last year’s breath or tomorrow’s breath. The breath is closely connected to the body, and also to the mind; it is a link or bridge between the two. When you tune in to your breathing, your body and mind are in synch – you are present. You can train yourself to use the breath as a haven, or an anchor: when you find you are caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts, you can let it go and come back to this natural process of breathing.

Mindfulness of breathing You can do this practice for any length of time – for the first time you could try 5 minutes. Sit on an upright chair with your feet flat on the floor, or cross-legged on a firm cushion. 202

Taking your seat: • Come into a posture which feels relaxed and awake, with a tall spine. • Let your shoulders drop and your hands rest on your thighs. • Close your eyes or keep them open with a downward gaze, whichever feels most comfortable. • Feel the weight and gravity of your body. Notice the sensations where your buttocks connect with the chair or cushion, and where your feet or ankles make contact with the floor. Spend a few moments exploring these sensations. Being with your breath: • Bring your attention to the movement of your breath, wherever you feel it. There’s no need to change the way you’re breathing, or do anything special with the breath. Just let it be as it is. • Tune in to the physical sensations of breathing – not thinking about the breath but being with it, allowing the breath to breathe itself. See if you can be with the breath all the way in and all the way out. You can imagine you are riding on the waves of your own breath if you find this helpful. Bringing back your mind: • You will find that your mind wanders off from the breath – that’s not a problem. A mind naturally wanders. You 203

may find yourself daydreaming or worrying, replaying a conversation or running through a shopping list. Whenever you notice your mind has gone off, gently return your attention to the breath. â&#x20AC;˘ If your mind wanders from the breath a hundred times, just bring it back a hundred times. See if you can escort your awareness back to the breath with kindness and good humour. This is the practice: not keeping the mind fixed in one place, but bringing the mind back, over and over. Use the breath as an anchor to bring you back to here and now, to this moment. Take a moment to write down anything you noticed during your practice of mindful breathing (either here or in a notebook):

Is your breath boring? In, out, in, out, in, out â&#x20AC;Ś You may find your breath somewhat less entertaining than watching the TV or reading a newspaper. Of course if 204

you were in a situation where you found yourself running out of air, unable to breathe, you would suddenly find your breath very interesting indeed! In mindful breathing, it helps to cultivate a curiosity about your own breath. See if you can be inquisitive, bringing a fresh interest to the breath, as if you had never noticed it before. Here are some things you might like to investigate: • Breath in the nostrils – can you notice the feeling of cool air going in, and warmer air going out? • Breath in the torso – do you feel it moving in the upper chest, in the mid-torso or in the belly? See if you can follow your breath down into the belly, noticing how the walls of the abdomen expand like a balloon on the inhale, and relax back again on the exhale. It may help to put a hand on your belly, so that you can feel the rise and fall of the breath. • Qualities of the breath – does your breath feel long or short? Shallow or deep? Rough or smooth? Can you feel the texture of it? Does it change or stay the same? • Inhale and exhale – what’s it like to follow the in-breath in, and then the out-breath out? What happens at the point where the inhale turns into the exhale, and the exhale to the inhale? Does the breath flow straight on, or is there a gap? • Breath dissolving – what happens when the breath leaves your nose or mouth? Do you have a sense of 205

it dissolving and mixing with the space in front and around you? How far does it go? How does it feel as your breath flows out of the body – perhaps some sense of releasing and letting go? Remember, you don’t have to change anything or manipulate the breath, just be gently inquisitive about each breath – this breath, in this moment.

Mindfulness of breathing: being inquisitive Repeat the mindful breathing exercise, but this time pick one or more aspects of the breath from the list we just ran through to focus on. Spend a few minutes really feeling the texture of the breath, or the sensations of the breath in the belly. Are there other things you can notice about your breath which are not on this list?

Is your mind busy? ‘I can’t meditate – my mind is too busy’. This is one of the most common first reactions to the mindful breathing exercise. When you start to meditate, you may find it shocking how active your mind is. It flits from one thought to another, often without any obvious logic. It may feel like a monkey leaping from tree to tree. You may even think, ‘I was looking for calm, but when I started to meditate my mind got 206

busier!’ It’s more likely that your mind has been this busy all along, but only now are you creating the conditions for noticing the busyness. In mindfulness we don’t see thoughts as a ‘problem’ – we are not trying to get rid of thoughts to achieve an empty, blank state of mind. Having thoughts is part of who we are as creative, thinking beings. It can be hard to believe this when you start, but the practice of meditation is actually just this: noticing the thoughts, letting them go and bringing the mind back to the focus, again and again. Each time your mind wanders off, it’s another opportunity to practise bringing it back. Mindfulness is not about having a mind that is empty and blank. Your mind will have lots of thoughts, and that is okay!

Take your seat The classic meditation posture you see in ancient sculptures is cross-legged on the floor, with the feet tucked up in the lotus position. After years of sitting in chairs and at desks, most of us don’t bend that way anymore! That’s not a problem – the seated mindfulness practices can be done on a chair, cross-legged on a cushion or kneeling if it’s comfortable for you.

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A chair: • Choose a firm chair with an upright back. • Sit with your feet flat on the floor or place something firm under your feet if they don’t reach the floor. • Ideally, let your spine be self-supporting, sitting away from the back of the chair or with the chair back lightly supporting you. If it’s not comfortable, a cushion in the small of the back may help. A cushion: • If you have the chance, you can try sitting on a specially designed meditation cushion; they come in many shapes and sizes • Your seat should be firm, not too squishy – try placing a cushion from your chair or sofa on top of large books such as phone books • Your ankles can be crossed comfortably, resting on a blanket or mat. Your knees should be a bit lower than your hips. For many of us with stiff hips, this means we need to get our seat quite high up off the ground (perhaps 8–12 inches or more). Kneeling: • Some people find it comfortable to kneel, with a cushion under the buttocks and shins on either side of the cushion. You can also buy wooden meditation stools which are used in this kneeling position.

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Posture As a child, you may have been told to, ‘Sit up straight!’ As a result, you might even have a secret resistance to the idea of posture. But when we meditate in a sitting position, taking a good posture is the foundation of the practice. Our bodies and minds are connected – when the body slumps, the mind slumps. When the body is uplifted and awake, it encourages the mind to be this way too. Here are some tips for a good posture: • Have a firm base – sit solidly on your seat, feeling the weight of your buttocks on the chair or cushion. Feel the contact of your feet flat on the floor; or the ankles or shins if you are cross-legged or kneeling. • Be alert – your spine is tall, the crown of your head lifting towards the sky. You can imagine sitting like a mountain, or like a monarch on a throne – regal and present. • Be comfortable – your posture is uplifted but not rigid. Let your shoulders relax, and your hands rest on your thighs. The front of the body can be soft and open. Let your jaw be loose, and perhaps tuck your chin slightly in. If your eyes are open, look downward a few feet in front of you, with a gaze which is soft and relaxed.

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Is breathing difficult? Some people find mindful breathing difficult because of problems with their breath. It may be a physical issue, or it may be that each time you focus on your breath you start to panic that you can’t breathe properly. If this is you, don’t worry; it may be good to focus on other mindfulness practices for now, especially bringing your awareness into your body and its sensations. You may find that as you feel more grounded and at home in your body, your breath also starts to feel more comfortable. Your breath is available to you at any time as an anchor to bring you back into your body and into the present moment.

Mindfulness of breathing – through the week Now that you’ve tried mindful breathing, see if you can practise it again during the week. You can set aside a few minutes for formal practice – 5 minutes, 10 minutes or whatever you can manage. You can also bring your awareness to the breath at any time during your day, just noticing that you are breathing for a few breaths, and then moving on.

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