Marriage Misunderstandings by Andrew Knight

Marriage Misunderstandings

premarital counseling, conflict resolution, marriage helps

Andrew and Sara Knight

Contents 1. Christ – the source for marriage 2. Conflict – the future of marriage 3. Crazy Cycle – inevitable in marriage 4. Communication – understanding in marriage 5. Connectivity – the responsibility in marriage 6. Closeness – the misunderstanding of marriage 7. Currency – the reality of marriage 8. Calling – the partnership in marriage 9. Commitments – the expectations of marriage 10. Cleaving – the surprise of marriage

“Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists.…” John Piper Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Til death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise — the same kind Jesus made with his bride

Expectations

Beforehand q Listen to Tim Keller’s “Marriage” or Mark Driscoll’s “Peasant Princess” Audio series q Attend Bethlehem Baptist Church Pre-‐Marriage Classes q Read This Momentary Marriage by John Piper q Listen to Relationships Talk, MNYC 2009, by the Knight’s During q Prepare/Enrich Assessment q Complete all assigned discussion , readings, and exercises q Read Rick Holland’s 10 dating Principles After q Attend BBC Marriage retreat q Set up Sunday Spouse Time Evaluation Sheet q Read Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci q Read The Exemplary Husband and The Exemplary Wife

Agreement Marriage can be the greatest experience on earth. The Heavenly Creator designed it that way. It is an honor that you are considering me to have a part at the beginning. Every wedding I have participated in has been a joy. I care deeply about the couples I marry and feel a special kinship with them long after, even over great distances. So, thank you for this invitation. Since marriage is the most profound relationship between two people, and my agreement to lead in a Christian testimony of marriage includes my pledge to pray for and nurture your love, I ask for more than most ministers prior to the wedding. If you agree to meet the following requirements, which reflect my personal convictions as to how best I may obey the Lord’s instructions on marriage, it will be my deep pleasure to serve at your wedding. If they are inconvenient or objectionable in some way, I will understand your decision to look elsewhere. They are things that I have found worthy of our time and will add strength and wisdom and richness to your marriage. The Lord’s grace be with you.

YOUR COMMITMENT 1.

2. 3.

You must agree to evaluate the biblical injunctions that Christians ought to marry only Christians (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14). My understanding of Christian is one who trusts in Christ by following his commands (1John 1:5 -‐ 2:6). You must agree to maintain or change to a celibate lifestyle until your marriage. You must agree to take the PREPARE Pre-‐marital inventory and meet for 3-‐4 pre-‐marital sessions prior to the wedding. Topics for discussion include background and personality issues, communication, conflict resolution, spiritual life, roles, sexuality, planning the ceremony, etc. These have proved to be enjoyable and informative. If at some point in the process it becomes evident that a conflict exists that refuses to be attended, I reserve the right to withdraw.

MY COMMITMENT 1. 2. 3.

I agree to plan your service according to your wishes as much as possible. Creative ideas or traditional formats are fine. Suggestions from others (parents, relatives, etc.) will have your final confirmation. It is your wedding. I agree to pray for you on a regular basis, not only that your marriage endure, but that it will be enjoyable as you learn the grace and truth of the gospel and apply it to your home. I agree that apart from the cost of materials used in the pre-‐marriage counseling ($30 for the PREPARE inventory and any study books you may purchase), no fee is required, and is optional and at your discretion. It is enough payment to see you willing to work at your marriage, even before it starts.

NOTE: Though the rightness or wrongness of re-‐marriage after divorce has long been debated by godly Christians, at this point in my understanding, my conscience does not permit me to officiate at weddings where one or both partners have been divorced and the divorced partner is living. I agree to carry out the terms of this agreement.

Mr.

__________________________________________ Date: __________________________

Ms.

__________________________________________ Date: _________________________

Timeline

o Session #1 – Introductions § Christ – the source for marriage § Conflict – the future of marriage -‐ Exercise: Conflict Resolution o Session #2 – Knowing One Another § Crazy Cycle – inevitable in marriage § Communication – understanding in Marriage § Connectivity – the responsibility in marriage -‐ Exercise: Active Listening o Session #3 – Living with one Another § Closeness – the misunderstanding in marriage § Currency – the reality of marriage § Calling – the partnership in marriage -‐ Exercise: Budget o Session #4 -‐ -‐ Expectations for Marriage § Calling – the partnership in marriage § Commitments – the expectations of marriage § Cleaving – the surprise of marriage -‐ Exercise: Ceremony details

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Christ

Notes …

Marriage exists to tell the Truth

“Christ restores first things so that second things are not suppressed, but increased! When God reigns in our hearts, peace reigns in our relationships.” CS Lewis

about Christ and the Church

1. All marriages are temporary • • •

Matthew 22:30 All relationships rise in intimacy and fulfillment in heaven Matthew 19:3-‐9 on Divorce –No Grounds for it

2. Marriage is the relational presentation of the gospel • •

Ephesians 5:22-‐33 Covenant-‐keeping vs. Staying in Love

3. Marriage reveals God-‐like roles (Image-‐bearing) • • • • •

Husband (God the Father) Wife (God the Son; “helper”) Mutual Submission – I Peter 3:1-‐7, Eph. 5:21 Satan attacked this from beginning Complementary vs. Supplemental view

4. Marriage exists by grace, as does your marriage to Christ. (Expect this)

DISCUSSION

1. What did you previously think about the purpose of marriage? 2. How does realizing all marriages will end make you feel?

Submission isn’t a matter of who is smarter or most deserving. Submission in marriage is simply another reflection of the beautiful pattern of roles seen in the Trinity.” Elyse Fitzpatrick

“Remember, your relationships have not been designed by God as vehicles for human happiness but as instruments of redemption.” Tim Lane and Paul Trip

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Conflict

Notes …

In marriage you will have trouble…

No human relationships can exist long-‐term without the matter of forgiveness. (70 x 7 principle)

1 Cor. 7:28

1. Expect conflict and forgiveness because you are a sinner saved by grace. • •

Compartmentalizer (salad) vs. Personalizer (soup)

2. Circumstances do not cause sin, but reveal it. 3. Identifying your conflict-‐language: • • •

Scream Sarcasm Silence

4. Humility and Initiation are conflict killers • • •

Forgiveness is not predicated on forgetfulness OR feeling, BUT on promise.

Commitment to being wrong 1st, change 1st Understanding BEFORE being Understood Act, don’t REACT; Think Initiate Pray

5. Talking to yourself vs. listening to yourself • Ask, “How does she/he feel?” not “Is it right for them to feel this way.” • YOU are your greatest marriage problem. DISCUSSION

Conflict Killer Convo 1) I’m sorry. 2) Will you forgive me? 3) What can I do to make it up to you?

Paradigms Bearing vs. Bringing up Compost pile vs. Convo Repentance vs. Relief Can I have you back?

Desire Spiral

Desire Demand Need Expectation Disappointment Punishment Paul David Tripp, Instruments

1. Identify your conflict language? How might this be hard for your partner? 2. What do you need to hear most often during conflict?

in the Redeemer’s Hands

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Exercise #1

Notes …

Conflict Resolution – Honesty Goal: honesty and brokenness Exercise: The point of the exercise is to set expectations for what topics might ignite or have already ignited conflict for a couple. The key is to get sin/conflict out in the open so that it can be dealt with and resolved. This exercise is not helpful unless the two partners are very honest about getting their dirty laundry and true feelings out in the open. First, answer, “What frustrates you most often about your spouse? Why?” (ie. Pet-‐peeve sins) Secondly, when is it helpful to bring up things (to confront your spouse on an issue) and when should you just bear with them? Make a list of things that would be considered sin on their part (bring up items) and a list of things that would be personality quirks or living habits, which are not sin (which are examples of things to bear with). Share when finished and also communicate how you respond best to confrontation. Thirdly, How do you treat/view your spouse? Identify with one: “Do you dehumanize your spouse in that they either become vehicles (to serve you) or obstacles (that get in the way of your idols) more often? ~ Paul David Tripp

HONESTY: How can they change what they don’t know to change? They cannot know what hurts you unless you tell them.

Aim to Listen and Learn from your spouse and not defend and justify! Bear or Bring Up? Asking this and then applying it will revolutionize your marriage.

BROKENNESS: How do you USE or ABUSE your spouse for your own selfish ends?

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Crazy Cycle Ephesians 5:33 Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs

1. Without love she responds without respect and without respect he responds without love • •

Air hose analogy Bus Ride analogy

2. He made them male and Female – Jesus • • •

Not wrong, just different (air hose) Not unequal, just unique Complementary vs. Supplementary view of marriage

3. Conditional vs. Unconditional Giving of love and respect •

Not about deserving it – What condition(s) do you hold your future spouse to receive love/respect?

•

But needing it – How does your future spouse best like to receive love/respect?

4. Do you know your spouse enough to meet their needs? • 1 Peter 3:7

DISCUSSION 1. Memorize Ephesians 5:33. 2. In what ways do you feel unloved or disrespected by your fiancé?

Notes … Roles to Serve Husband 1) Love 2) Lead 3) Learn Wife 1) Submit 2) Respect 3) Help Faith Biblical Counseling, Track 1

A Complement adds to an incomplete thing, thus making it complete. A Supplement is an addition to an already completed entity. “Every husband is responsible to know his own wife well enough to apply God’s principles to living with her…He should live with her while taking into consideration information that is crucial.” Stuart Scott

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Communication Blue and Pink are not just two dialects, but two very different languages 1. Men and women hear, speak, and see through: pink/blue hearing aides, pink/blue megaphones, and pink/blue glasses:

Notes …

4 Laws of Communication 1. Be Honest 2. Keep Current 3. Attack the Problem, not the Person. 4. Act, don’t React Faith Biblical Counseling, Track 1

Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs

• •

It’s not just what you say, but what your spouse hears too. Do you speak with words they understand, listen to what they mean, and see through their eyes.

2. Proverbs 18:13 Principle • •

Justifying vs. Hearing Is this a “Fix it” or “Feel it” conversation?

4. It’s not what you say most of the time, BUT: • • •

When you say it? (timing) What you say? (tact) – the words you use How you say it? (tone)

5. Speaking to yourself is your greatest word to anyone about anything.

DISCUSSION 1. When do you feel most misunderstood by your fiancé? 2. What is something that your fiancé does not know about you?

“He who answers before He hears it is to his folly and his shame.” Proverbs 18:13

“We destroy

arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” 2 Cor. 10:5-‐6

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Connectivity Face to face vs. Shoulder to Shoulder Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs

1. Women connect face-‐to-‐face – Emotional • •

Respect her need to have you open up Respect her need to connect over deep conversation (Ask heart questions)

2. Men connect shoulder-‐to-‐shoulder – Experiential • •

Respect his need for companionship Respect his need for shared experience

3. How do they connect? Feel loved? (5 love languages) • • • • •

Quality time Gift Acts of service Words of affirmation Touch

4. What does your ideal day-‐off look like? Evening look like?

• •

Understand the differences? Serve your spouse or yourself?

DISCUSSION 1. How do you think your fiancé connects most deeply and frequently? 2. What steps need to be taken to meet your fiancé’s need?

Notes … Wives say… C-‐O-‐U-‐P-‐L-‐E Closeness Openness Understanding Peacemaking Loyalty Esteem Husbands say… C-‐H-‐A-‐I-‐R-‐S Conquest Hierarchy Authority Insight Relationship Sexuality Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Exercise #2 Understanding – Active Listening Prepare/Enrich Assessment Training

Goal: to understand, not be understood Exercise: Have one partner verbalize three things that would make them happy if their partner were to change about himself/herself. “It would make me really happy if….” The listening partner is to hear what their partner says and repeat it back to them. The goal is not to be understood, but to understand. Resist the urge to defend or justify yourself with your partner. Just try to understand and hear what they communicate. So, repeat back, “I heard you say you would be happier if…”

Notes …

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Closeness Intimacy – everything is different, yet everything is the same 1. Purpose • •

Oneness – Tells the truth about God and People Service vs. Selfishness (1 Cor. 7:3-‐5)

2. Expectations • • •

Women need to be visually generous Men need to be verbally generous and affectionate without sexual intentions. What are your sexual preferences?

2. Physical vs. Emotional Intimacy • • •

Women are generally more emotional Men are generally more physical Sex for a man ≠ Sex for a woman

3. Physical and Emotional intimacy are needs, not just wants • • •

Give it or Deprive it Motivation vs. Manipulation How will you handle one another’s needs?

DISCUSSION 1. What’s the purpose of closeness? How is it misunderstood in culture? 2. Talk over your relational/physical past after having completed this section and spoken with your counselors.

Notes … The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that about 60% of all couples now cohabit before marriage. They also surveyed 20,000 married couples (now married 15 years later) who had cohabited (CDC Cohabitation Study, 2012). They found that if they were engaged and cohabiting, the divorce rate was the same as non-‐ cohabiting couples.

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Currency

Notes … Is the rigidness of a financial philosophy and the exactness of counting pennies worth having if it means your marriage suffers? You can have the whole world… yet forfeit your soul

Finances, “giving as much as you can, saving as much as you can, and living on as little as you can.”

1. Expectations • • • •

Why do most marriages begin to crumble at the subject of finances? Who will be the buck stopper? How will they be done? When will they be tracked?

2. Philosophy • • •

Saving – how and where does each spouse save? Spending – what did each spouse spend money on? Giving – how and to who does each spouse currently give?

TREASURE PRINCIPLES 1. God owns everything; I’m His money manager. We are the managers of the assets God has entrusted—not given—to us. 2. My heart always goes where I put God’s money. Watch what happens when you reallocate your money from temporal things to eternal things 3. Heaven—the New Earth, not the present one—is my home. We are citizens of “a

3. Potential Problems • • • •

No budget Lack of planning Trust Be Flexible

better country—a heavenly one”(Hebrews 11:16). 4. I should live today not for the dot, but for the line. From the dot—our present life on earth—extends a line that goes on forever, which is eternity in Heaven 5. Giving is the only antidote to materialism. Giving is a joyful surrender to a greater person and a greater agenda. It dethrones me and

DISCUSSION 1. Identify the saver and the spender of the relationship? 2. Which convictions do you want to direct your financial philosophy

exalts Him. 6. God prospers me not to raise my standard of living but to raise my standard of giving. Randy Alcorn, epm.org

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Calling

Notes …

Your roads never fork? What are your convictions?

1. Expectations • •

•

Do you have similar dreams/ambitions? What do you do when you don’t? -‐ Pray for God to give a united stance. -‐ Trust he will not make you deny one calling for another. -‐ Submit to God’s design in headship Best Friends vs. Ministry/business partner

2. Calling – defined • • • •

desire gifting opportunity need

4. In marriage when we say “I do” that means we could be saying “I don’t” to something else. • •

Wives need to hear this Husbands need to see this

DISCUSSION

1. What is your most ideal future or occupational scenario and which one

you the most? scares 2. What will you do when you disagree over your future or decision-‐making?

Your convictions do not prevent a difference in life trajectory, but can surely refine and narrow the trajectories you could walk down or be forced to choose from one day. A calling to Christ should never make you forfeit your calling as a spouse (but only further it). If it does, one needs to reexamine and reconsider what he or she has been called to and ask, ‘Is the Caller legitimately God or me?’

Calling What we do Where we do it Why we do it How we do it

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Exercise #3 The Budget – Working Together Goal: to save and give as much as you can, while living on as little as you can Exercise: Fill in the following fields…

Total Couple Income: $ _______________ Total Couple Giving: $ _______________ Total Couple Saving: $ ________________ Remaining Amount to Budget: $ ______________ Housing $ ___________________ Insurances $ ___________________ Utilities $ ___________________ Loans $ ___________________ Food $ ___________________ Dates $ ___________________ Clothing $ ___________________ Auto/Gas $ ___________________ Toiletries $ ___________________ Misc $ ___________________

Notes …

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Commitments

Notes …

Expectations are everything. Except of course when they are not stated. 1. Expectations • • • • • • • • • •

Home? Schedule? Family? Vacations? Cooking? Yard? Sleep, Wake up, Go to Bed… Ideal Night? Sex/Intimacy? Conflict?

2. Expectations are never indefinite? • •

Am I meeting your expectations? Sunday Spouse Time § Spiritual § Physical § Organizational § Financial

DISCUSSION 1. Which areas do you line up most evenly? Most differently? 2. In what ways are your expectations unrealistic?

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life” (ESV)

Don’t forget to set expectations in the “little things” because you will be doing a lot of the “little things.”

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Cleaving

Notes …

you shall leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife

The exercise or loss of this principle will make or break your marriage.

1. Easier said than done, but more beautiful done than said! 2. Expectations • • •

What would you like to see happen before we could get married? What will be hard for you to leave? In what areas are you more set in your ways?

3. Leaving – literally means “to desert” • •

Leaving 1) Family

Who is doing more of the leaving? Evaluate what each of you are leaving

2) Traditions 3) Practices

4. Cleaving – means “being joined” • • •

What will be “fresh start” for you? (ie. Living) What are you looking for one to fill emotionally/relationally? What roles are each one looking for the other to fill practically?

4) Values Cleaving 1) United front 2) Loyalty 3) Submission

4) Serve

5) Priority

DISCUSSION 3. What will each spouse find it hardest to leave? Family? Traditions? 4. What does each spouse think the other needs to learn to leave now?

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Exercise #4 The Ceremony – Illustrating the Gospel Goal: structure a service that tells the truth about the Gospel and is personally satisfying. Exercise: Account for the following details…

q q q q q q q q q q q

Music Vows: traditional or personal Processionals Order of Ceremony – get from Officiant Rings Ushers Ring Bearer or Flower Girl? Family Preferences Officiant/Pastor Wedding Coordinator? Message Preference/Focus

Notes …

http://LeaderMaking.com/Relationships.html