MAY 2014 PROVERBS 23:25 "MAY SHE WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH BE HAPPY. " This is issue is dedicated to my mom, Veronica. Thank you mom for lending me your ear when I need to vent. Thank you for waking up early and making me lunches when I was young and for picking me up from school on time no matter what you had going on that day. Thank you for making a way for me to never go without, whether it was making sure I had nice clothes, shoes for basketball or gas in my car when I got older. Thank you so much. Thank you for believing in my goals and not calling them hobbies the way everyone else has. You believed in me and still do, thank you. Thank you for not letting anyone talk bad about me and for always sticking up for me when they try. Thank you for bringing me a burrito home anytime you get Mexican food. You always think of me even when I’m not there. Thank you for pushing dad to get me my dream car when I was finally able to drive. Thank you for being consistent in my life even after you and dad divorced and he started to disappear. Thank you for making me go to church when I was a kid. It was you who instilled Jesus in me. Thank you for being my mom. Happy Mother’s Day, I love you mom.
1 PETER 5:7 "CASTING ALL YOUR ANXIETIES ON HIM, BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU. "
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LADY LA INTERVIEW LADY LA PHOTO-S HOOT EDITORIAL MAKE MONEY MEANINGLESS S POTLIGHT JENNIFER FYFFE INTERVIEW: FINDING TRUE LOVE ANGELIC EDITORIAL: DO YOU THINK YOU ARE VALUABLE? TRISTANNE MOREY TESTIMONY ALEXIA GRACE MUSIC S POTLIGHT ALLIE MOLINA TESTIMONY S OFIA VERDUGO: I AM WHO I AM INTENTIONALLY & UNAPOLOGETICALLY TARRYN KEOPKE PHOTO-S HOOT EDITORIAL
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f you live in the valley of the sun and listen to mainstream radio, you most likely know who she is. She's interviewed all the celebrities, music artists, entertainers and the people popculture tell us is important. She is pop-culture and she's a central figure to the identity of pop-culture life in Arizona. Every weekday morning her voice is spread across the Phoenix metropolitan area and everyday her thoughts, wisdom and humor engrain upon her listeners ears. She has a voice people listen to and a platform that reaches the masses. Her name is Lastassia Eidson and goes by La for short, but you most likely know her as Lady La. She's a true hip-hop fan, stands for bringing awareness to Autism and she declares Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. It's not cool in the mainstream world to boldly declare your faith in Jesus, but La is willing to. Upon meeting La it became quickly apparent that she is sincere. In the interview and photo-shoot she took part in for Angelic Magazine, she cried, she laughed, she spoke openly about her faith in Jesus and she shared a part of herself with everyone who was there that day. Lady La is being featured in Angelic Magazine not because of her identity in the world, but because of her identity in Christ. She's been blessed with the ability to be a voice for our generation and she's now using her voice to declare the mystery and love of Jesus.
Angelic: Why Jesus? Lady La: I honestly feel chosen. I do believe God is sovereign, He let's you choose but I've really felt chosen since I was a kid. Everyone would tell me I was just different, and I was mad at that for a lot of my life, just angry. Why do I have to be the different one? Why do I have to not fit in? Why can't I fit in? My name's Lastassia, why wasn't it Ashley? Everyone's name is easy to spell. It's nine letters long, when you're in kindergarten you just want to be Jane. Kids called me lasagna, and it was just like why am I always the different one? I think that now that I'm older, I realize that it's such a unique bond between He and I. It's my inside joke with Jesus, He made me unique in His way and instead of being the thing that holds me down, it's the thing that lifts me up and I just feel so chosen. It was finally up to me to pick up the call, He kept calling and I kept fighting it because I wanted it my way and finally I was in a place where I was broken enough to just take the call. Q. When did you find Jesus? A. My mom never went to church but she would drop me off at Sunday school. I hated church, I was baptized Catholic but I had no connection. When I was thirteen I stayed with my aunt and she told me I was going to go to church with her and I knew there was no getting out of this one. I went to Christian church with her and everybody was so happy. They were hugging, highfiving each other and everyone was excited about these songs and I was like, whoa, Jesus is kind of cool. So I told Jesus now that you have my attention, I want to know more. So I told my aunt, I want a bible and I want to learn. I started to learn more things and at age thirteen I remember sitting on my bed with my cousin and telling her, "This life isn't supposed to be for us." At thirteen years old I was pretty sure I was just supposed to do things for Jesus. I said a prayer and said, "God, I want you to just use me, take me wherever you need to take me." I always remember that moment. Q. In the line of work that you're in where living for Jesus isn't at the forefront for people, what makes you keep coming back to Him? A. I think it was being broken. I just got tired and realized how not awesome you are and how awesome He is. I worked an immense amount of hours, just all
the time. My friendships suffered, my family relationships suffered because I put so much emphasis on work. I would travel to get away, escape and I feel closer to God when I travel outside of my job and myself. About a year ago I went on this trip to Israel and I was at Jesus' tomb and the energy of it was so powerful and I felt so moved. I was in a relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry, I was at the peek of my career, I had just signed my biggest contract that I've ever signed and I was like this is it, I'm at the epicenter where Jesus' body was and I just prayed. I said, "God, I want what you want, not what I want." I prayed for a husband and other things, but not necessarily for the person I was with. When I came back home my boyfriend broke up with me, my friends faded away, my job was suffering and I was like, what? What part of the game is this? I just gave everything to you and now everything was falling a part. It was being at the bottom, emotionally, physically that I was able to sit down and listen. I literally just broke and it let Him take complete control which was exactly what I asked for. He gave me what I asked for and I'm still in that process. I'm still watching Him rebuild things the way He wants them. Lessons of humility and growth. I will tell you that it has not been easy having to let go of things you felt for so long were secure. But it's also very beautiful and so freeing. The relationships that I make now are so much more meaningful and the more that I let go, the more I don't miss what I had and what I'm getting in return is so much more internal. I didn't realize how selfish I was and how it hurt people. My testimony isn't one of giving up an addiction, but giving up control. Q. Being in a public spotlight, how do you handle humility? A. I truthfully ask God to give me the strength to be focused on Him and not on myself. There's so many examples in my life that give me lessons, my youngest brother has autism and my two other siblings always excelled in school. I've seen both sides where things have naturally been given to people and also when someone has to fight for things we take for granted. Q. Who's been your favorite person to interview? A. Jennifer Lopez. I think mostly because she said
we look related and I was like, "Yes, you're awesome!" But she is just who she is, she's transparent, she's just genuine. Another person that was like that was Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and they were just who they were. A lot of times, the machine, the enteratainment industry tries to control them. Q. What's the greatest misconception about celebrities? A. I thought everyone was going to be stuck-up but I honestly have had more positive run-ins with celebrities. At the end of the day there's genuine people and there isn't. Some people have rad jobs and some don't, some people are celebrities and some aren't. That's the greatest misconception I had that everyone was going to be rude and mean. Q. Being in that industry, what's your view on modesty? A. I probably don't have any footing on this because I've done calendars wearing swimsuits and for me to say otherwise would be such hypocrisy on my part. However, I do feel that when you're modest you feel more confident. When I am modest, I feel more confident, I just feel more comfortable. The more you grow in your faith you work through modesty with God and it's something that is a daily thing you work on in your own walk with Him. Q. What message do you have for women? A. That you're loved. I think we all want that. I want them to know that you're loved. We try so hard and we compete against one another. We're such delicate things and even the toughest ones, people think I'm so tough but I'm not. It took so long for me to understand that I was loved. I just want women to know that they're loved and there will be men who will love you, girlfriends who will be your friend and more importantly there is a God who crazy loves you. PHOTO-SHOOT C REDITS: MODEL: LA E IDSON HAIR: ALEXIS WRIGHT FROM C ANYON FALLS SPA & SALON IN SCOTTSDALE, AZ MAKEUP: SOFIA VERDUGO C LOTHING: WWW. PINKHOUSEBOUTIQE. COM PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANGELIC MAGAZINE 7 ANGELICMAG.com
H OW DID MMM GET CREATED? Dutch Suckley, the founder of the company, was serving our country in the Air Force when Make Money Meaningless came to life. He believed that as long as he could live a life that was passion driven and not cash motivated he could achieve true happiness. He loved to design and create and was truly passionate about the clothing industry, so he thought what better way than to convey this message in the medium of clothing and call it Make Money Meaningless. A few years and a couple design drafts later, Dutch and Ashlyn Kudransky, co-owner of the company, combined forces and collaborated to take the world by storm. After a great deal of beautiful ideas and dedicated time spent together on this movement, Dutch Suckley passed away April 23rd, 2013. Upon his passing, Ashlyn has continued to build the company making it her life's endeavor to carry out both of their passions. Make Money Meaningless exists to open the eyes of society. We believe when you fall in love with the value of life rather than the value of money, you are free.
Find MMM on Instagram @makemoneymeaningless Visit their website to read their blog. Be a part of Making Money Meaningless
H OW IS JESUS REPRESENTED THROUGH MMM? Placing value into people and relationships rather than material things, giving thanks for what we have been blessed with rather than being angry about what we don't have, finding peace in how we were made and what we were made for exemplifies Jesus. Make Money Meaningless models kindness and gentleness towards mankind, wants true joy and peace for everyone, and above all LOVE the life they were given. Feel love and give love.
WHAT TYPE OF IMPACT DO YOU ASPIRE TO MAKE THROUGH MMM? Make Money Meaningless aspires to shed a brighter light on the value of ones life rather than ones bank account. There isn't too high of a mountain we aren't willing to climb or too low of a valley we aren't willing to plunge into to reach the masses. We strive to be a supportive outlet for the dreamers and the doers.
H OW HAVE YOU SEEN GOD' S HAND ALIVE IN YOUR MINISTRY? God's hand is very apparent in Make Money Meaningless and the story behind it, simply by the fact that the company is still able to exist after trudging through the darkest times of losing someone so special. God carefully created the company's owners and put them through life's most challenging instances to build them up to be strong enough to hold the company's message down. The idea is not from man but was planted from God, and we are just carrying it out. Doors open for the company, for example a feature in Angelic Magazine, that could have never opened had God's hand not been on this company.
"I thought that I would never be a good mom, I’ll never have a car, I’ll never have a job, I’ll never be able to make ends meet. My family doesn’t want me, nobody wants me. I was just kind of stuck."
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edemption: an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed. 2. deliverance; rescue. When you hear the name Jesus, what do you think of? What comes to your mind? How do you define who He is? Jesus is ambiguous, there's more than one expression that defines who He is, but what comes to my mind when I think of Him is love, acceptance and redemption. He gives us life and hope for a better tomorrow and He pulls us from our darkest depths into His light when we surrender our control to His. Jennifer Fyffe, 27, has a story of redemption. Her story is one of finding true love, acceptance and purpose through Jesus Christ. Pregnant, battling to stay sober and seeking to find life, Fyffe found herself at Maggie's Place, a shelter for pregnant women located in Phoenix, Arizona. This is where her story begins.
Angelic: Did
you ever think you would be where you’re at right now? Fyffe: No… Q. When you were in a dark place, did you see a light at the end of the tunnel? A. Yeah, I was ready to just kind of give up on everything and just go back to my old life. I was pregnant at the time and didn’t want the baby and was just going to give it to the dad. I told myself that I can’t do this, I won’t ever make it, I’m never going to get a job, nobody is ever going to hire me… I’m going to just be homeless. I was planning on going back to a half way house. That was pretty much when I started to live at Maggie’s Place. I remember crying myself to sleep every single night. Every single night, I just thought that I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I thought that I would never be a good mom, I’ll never have a car, I’ll never have a job, I’ll never be able to make ends meet. My family doesn’t want me, nobody wants me. I was just kind of stuck.
I just got out of the jail at the time for 4 months, and I went straight to rehab. I was good. I was good for like 60 days. I fell off the grid again, and it went worse than it did before. I spiraled out of control and within a week, and I remember trying to pay somebody to kill me. I gave the money, and I just said “Just put me on that street and just leave me there and somebody will find me, and nobody will ever know.” Q. How did they respond? A. They wanted the money. I don’t exactly remember what happened. It’s all kind of foggy stil, I was way gone. My sister ended up kicking me out. She found stuff in the house again. I was planning to get my life together, but when I moved in her with her, I was like “Oh I can’t get a job. I don’t have a car.” So I just kind of gave up, and I went back to my old life and started hanging out with the same people. The reason why I went back was, because I wanted confidence. I didn’t have confidence, and I 13 ANGELICMAG.com
remember when I did use, I had so much confidence, and I felt pretty and skinny, and everything was great, but there was something missing. I called my dad, and I was like, “Dad, I messed up. I need help,” so he drove all the way down here from California, came and picked me up and sent me to a halfway house. I stayed there, I got sober, I was happy, and everything was great. I went back to an ex boyfriend, because I wanted to feel love again. I wanted to feel accepted. I ended up getting pregnant after being 3 weeks sober. I thought everything was perfect. He was great. He had a great job, he had money. I didn’t have anything at the time. Some part of me thought that I needed someone to take care of me, because that’s what my mom kept implanting in my head. She kept telling me that I better stay with him, because I need someone to take care of me. So, I thought that I just had to stick it out even though he was cheating on me every single night with me balling my eyes out and leaving me there stranded. So things spiraled out of control again, and I got arrested after I punched him in the face. After that, I thought about what I was going to do. I needed a man, and I needed someone to love me. So I went and lived at Maggie’s Place. That was honestly the best thing that ever happened to me, ever. Living there, I really learned the value of being friends with a woman. I never had girlfriends ever in my life, and if I did, it was just a partying friend or just an acquaintance, but I really learned to have girlfriends, girls that don’t care what you look like and don’t care how pretty you are or how much money you have or what friends you have. I couldn’t understand why everyone was so happy. “What are you happy for? There’s nothing great about life. Why are you smiling? Why are you laughing all the time?” I had real friends. I never had that before. I felt accepted and loved. My face was terrible at the time and so broken out, and everybody loved me still. I remember I caught a couple of the girls doing drugs one time, and I knew I didn’t want that life anymore. I remember when I first got sober, everyone kept talking about a God and saying that I needed to pray and get on my knees every morning and thank God for being sober and for what I have and that there’s a roof over my head. As much as I
thought it was stupid at the time, I really did get on my knees. I would actually go in the bathroom, so nobody would see me. Sooner or later, I was praying all day every day about everything. I even prayed for other people. I remember I hated my daughter’s dad. I just hated him. Then someone said to just pray for him. And I did, and I’m not mad at him anymore. We get along great, and I would have never seen that day coming. It’s weird. I’m like, “Guess I just had to pray for you.” Q. Do you believe that Jesus died for you and loves you? A. Yes. Q. Any advice for someone out there that may be reading this and may be at a low place? A. I would pray. You don’t have to go out or pick up a drink to feel pretty, and I know what that feels like. I desire now to have a better relationship with God and to trust God. Maggie's Place mission statement reads: "Maggie’s Place provides houses of hospitality and ongoing support to help pregnant and parenting women in need to reach their goals, and welcomes them into a community filled with love and dignity." Maggie’s Place provides for the immediate physical and emotional needs of their guests including shelter, food, clothing, and a supportive community. In addition, Maggie’s Place connects them to the appropriate agencies and resources including prenatal care, health insurance, low-cost housing, and education programs. For more information on Maggie's Place for how you can contribute or get involved, visit www.maggiesplace.org
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By Sara Sloan ave you ever wondered what your purpose is or where your value lies? Perhaps you feel you are not measuring up to where you “should be.” The world typically judges based on profession, how much money one makes, beauty, intelligence, social status, success, talent, popularity or athletic ability. Is this truly important as far as where your value lies? Would I simply be better if I was a blonde with straight hair and a dark tan? No…There is nothing wrong with having blonde hair or being tan but there is also nothing wrong with my brunette curls and fair complexion. The world has certain standards of what they consider the right way or even the right look, but so does God. The world’s standards are not what make up someone’s value. The definition of value is the worth of something, merit and importance. So the question is do you think you are worth something? Do you think you are valuable? It all depends on who and what you are basing it on. According to God, I am valuable and so are you. I am valuable the way I am because God created me, He values me, and has a plan for me. He died on the cross for ME…and He died on the cross for YOU. When God created us we were created with a hunger that only God can satisfy. We are created with a non-negotiable need to be filled with the infinite love that God eternally is. God created us this way because he wants to express the love that He eternally is to us, in us, and through us and He wants to have a relationship with us and be the source of our life – our worth, our sense of fullness, our significance. He wants us to participate in His own eternal life. This life is not all there is, Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He has set eternity in our hearts." Without Christ we are all left lacking, we will
never be truly be fulfilled in life unti we know Him and in return won’t be completely whole or valued. Until someone has a personal relationship with Christ they will try to find value and fulfillment in ways and things that are temporary and it won’t take long and they will be trying to fill that emptiness again. Noah was told to build the ark, but the ark was absent of sails, a rudder, an engine, and compass. Without all these things, there is no way to navigate the ark. Why is that? It is because God was the pilot of the ark. Noah’s job was to simply trust Him, obey God’s instructions and leave the outcome to the Lord. God wants to be the pilot of our lives and without Him being our pilot we can’t get anywhere. We need Him to give us guidance, purpose and instruction but we must attentively seek Him. We are to receive Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord and ask Him for forgiveness of our sins and that He would help us to change so we can live for Him. We develop a love relationship with Him like no other and He gives us the Indwelling Holy spirit for guidance and instruction. We must also attentively seek Him in prayer and read the Bible. "As you therefore have received Jesus Christ the Lord, so walk in Him, Rooted up and built in Him and established in the faith as you have been taught, abounding it with thanksgiving." Colossians 2:6-8. Jesus is the answer to your emptiness, your struggles, your hopelessness, and your fear. He covers and forgives your sins and then restores you. He will get you through whatever you are facing if you run to Him. In Him is where you will find your value. He loves you and His love is real, unconditional and eternal! l
"I LEARNED WHAT IT MEANS TO BE VALUED REGARDLESS OF MY PAST, NO MATTER WHAT I HAD DONE OR WHAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME. "
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ith heads bowed and hands stretched out to those nearest us, my fiancé was on my left and a complete stranger was on my right. As we were being prayed over I heard clear as day, "Just trust me Tristanne. Trust what I have for you. He is not the one." My heart wrenched with fear but I knew in that instant God was as asking me to do the unthinkable, while answering my prayers all at the same time. The pastor brought the prayer to a close and my heart was aching. Tears were rolling down my face as the complete stranger turned to me and simply said "Thank you, thank you for being obedient." But I was not ready to be obedient to God. How could I? How could I walk away from everything I ever dreamed of? Everything I worked so hard for that gave me value and worth? Getting married proved I was desirable and wanted, not abandoned! We were both heading into our careers, we had a house ready for us, and our wedding was all planned. Leave it all for what? To trust God when everyone I trusted had done a good job of disappointing me? Yet, Proverbs 3:6 tells us, “in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight”. I have done all the things in life you should not do, and the world in return has done to me the worst you can imagine. Still, here was God asking me to trust Him! Here He was, telling me that I was worthy of the best that He had for me, better than I ever dreamed for myself! In Romans 8:28 He promises us, “He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purpose.” You and I are called to a purpose greater than ourselves, and God’s character? Trusting God will give us a foundation on which to stand.
Thankfully, despite everything within my flesh, I obeyed and I’ve never looked back! Shortly after the engagement ended I began to learn just how blessed God would make me. I learned what it means to be valued regardless of my past, no matter what I had done or what had been done to me. It is so freeing. I now know what it means to be loved for who I am, not what I am capable of doing. These days I am interning at my home church, C3 Church San Diego, giving to others what I was denied and had desperately longed for: Supporting women who have been raped, helping women to see their value and walking with them in victory; making ways for people to become productive members in society after being homeless from a few bad choices. My life is now about inclusion, when all I once knew was worthlessness. The hardness in and around my heart has since been (and is still being) broken down, allowing me to thrive rather than merely survive. Through all of my own personal experiences God has shown me that He never left my side, and I no longer live in fear of abandonment. Nor do I battle for my worth and future because that battle has been won victoriously for me. It was won the day He defeated the grave. I choose to walk in truth, and shame the enemy’s lies. With each defeat of the enemy’s lies, I see growing in me a love for people who have hurt me as well as a love for the people around me. I am no longer consumed with worry or doubt in my capabilities. I have already done above and beyond anything I thought I could do. My purpose in Christ is grounded firmly within me. By God’s grace, it can't be shaken; it won't be moved. Forgiveness, obedience and grace are the shoes I choose to run in, and I wouldn't trade this marathon for the whole world.
ALEXIA GRACE WWW.ALEXIAGRACEMUSIC.COM
Twelve year old, Alexia Grace from Buckeye, AZ wants to INSPIRE her generation to have FAITH. With her debut EP released this month on iTunes, she shares with Angelic her story ofMUSIC and JESUS.
Angelic: Why Jesus? Grace: I've always felt more comfortable when I'm thinking about Jesus. I always just felt like He's the true thing. Q. What makes you make music for Jesus? A. It's always been my passion and I've always loved doing it. I've always wanted to reach people through music. Once I started getting more into music, I didn't really want to write other styles of music and music for me is easier than talking or preaching to people. Q. When did you know you had a gift for music? A. When I was five years old, we had a piano in our house and I didn't know anything about notes but I could tell which notes were which in different songs or if something was off key and once I started taking guitar lessons my guitar instructor told me I had a good voice so I kept with it Q. When you sit down to write a song, what does that look like for you? What's your writing process? A. I sit in front of my window and think of thoughts, and I know God is giving them to me. I normally think about something that I feel can help people if they're broken or help them through something they're going through. It normally takes me about two to three days to finish.
Q. In this upcoming season of your life, where do you see yourself with music? A. I want to reach people and help people of any age who are listening to my songs to bring them to worship and if they're not Christian to encourage them to grow closer to God and for them to not just hold it inside. Q. For being so young, where does that desire come from to want to reach people for Jesus? A. I went on a mission trip to Mexico and I watched the people there and they didn't let anything stop them from worshipping. It really inspired me and that's what I want to do through my music. Q. For girls who are around your age, what message do you want them to know? A. That just because you're young it doesn't mean you can't have a stronger faith. When I was younger I thought that when I'd get older I would have a stronger faith, but now I want people to know they don't have to wait to get older to have a stronger faith, they can do it now. Q. Would you like to go on tour, do concerts, anything like that? A. (With an excited laugh) Yeah, that'd be cool.
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Allie Molina soul searched and asked God to help her find her purpose in life. Read her testimony for how God has revealed Himselfto her.
am Allie Molina. I grew up in a small town outside of San Francisco. I accepted Christ at Awana Bible Camp at age nine but really began to understand Christ in sixth grade and asked Jesus in my heart at Hume Lake Christian Camp. When I was there I felt loved by God and cared for by Him. When I was in junior high I was made fun of by people because I learned different or slower. When people were mean to me, I had some popular friends that were nice to me and treated me with respect and love. They would watch out for me and I would go to youth group because I felt close to God and I had some friends there. When I was in High school I went to Mount Hermon Christian Camp a few times and my life was changed there. I attended a serving camp called Echo. For two weeks we learned to serve God without being cranky and we learned to love people in need. As a result of that experience I prayed about going on a mission trip to Russia to work in an orphanage. My mom said I could go if I raised all my money. I prayed and trusted God and I rose over my limit. So I got to help other people who needed financial help get to Russia. I used to love a lot of pricey things and I still do here and there but when I saw the kids in Russia it changed my heart. They had nothing but were content anyway. I realized that I didn't need fancy things. God took away my desire for expensive things. I have a learning disability and one aspect of my disability includes difficulty in understanding social situations. This has made friendships difficult to maintain. I don't always understand social (non-verbal) cues like reading facial expressions and body language as well as tone of voice. Sometimes I’m impulsive and say the wrong thing and offend people.
I tell you this because it led me on a deep "soul searching" with God. What is my purpose in life? I’m kind of lonely and would love some really good friends. How can I make friends? I need to get organized...How can I do that Lord? How can I help other people with the same challenges as me? Help them feel loved by God like I do. Tell them that they're valuable and have gifts and talents to offer others. How can I be an example? So, out of all this "soul searching", God revealed to me an idea, an idea that would help people understand others that have social disabilities, how to interact and befriend people with these challenges. It will also help people with social disabilities learn how to interact with others, learn how to respect each other, care, love be gracious and kind to one another. I'm on this journey and am not sure where this is all going to lead. I’m starting small by having a booth at a local convention for people with learning disabilities. I'm hoping that I can encourage everyone toward respecting one another. I would love to use my gifts to bring glory to God. My gifts are serving, encouragement, and mercy. I pray that I can love others the way Christ loves us His people. 1 John 4:19 “We love each other because He first loved us.”
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n summer 2012 my mom was diagnosed with an advanced stage of cancer. When she said she’d start chemo immediately, I moved her into my spare bedroom. The caregiver literature and classes I poured over prepared me for potential discord, elaborating it was normal and temporary. In the beginning it was easy to ignore verbal jabs from my mom. They were bland and easily attributed to uncomfortable treatments, hours in waiting rooms, midnight excursions to the ER, and the asinine slew of people who’d say they knew exactly what she was going through. When blunt jabs turned into elegantly crafted shrapnel I felt compelled to address it. Shrapnel weren’t things said at the pinnacle of frustration; they were observations over a long period of time that festered. The discussion did not go well and I was bereft. She did not like my mannerisms, personality, and appearance—characteristics intrinsic to me. When others say hurtful things it’s easy to discount their words, because really, they don’t know you. When it’s a parent? It’s fact. I collapsed inwardly. I couldn’t talk to anyone. The reality was my mom was sick and to talk about how I was hurting was selfish, so I said nothing. I acted fine, but in every private moment I wept inconsolably in the car, shower, bed, each time my heart welling up with grief. I was suffocating in desolate smog of self-hate. Prior to this experience, I never understood why people cut themselves. One day in December I understood and flirted with it. I argued with myself. Big? Tiny? Would it hurt? No, like gulping fresh air. How do I explain the scar? Don’t. How? Corrective makeup. The finality in this excited and terrified me. Excited to cope, terrified to have assimilated my skill as a makeup artist to hide it. As I sat in my bathroom ready to carry out my first session, I wept and begged God for help. I went to church. At the end of service free copies of Joel Osteen’s Every Day A Friday were available in the lobby. I love to read and considering I was struggling with depression, self-hate, and now self-harm, I read it. Some chapters I felt as if God was speaking directly to me, breathing hope into my heart, and it warmed me all over. In January I began exercising and changed my eating habits. God was rebooting every aspect of my life and that warmth-all-over became beautiful, uncontrollable, blinding fire. I was inspired to love, feel, think, and be me. Interactions that once destroyed me were opportunities to be uplifting, merciful, and candid. I was unwilling to move forward with negativity surrounding our relationship. Candor was not met with acceptance and intimacy dissolved. Distance and silence are odd, and for months I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t sure if forgiveness meant me returning to her, though nothing had changed, and asking God for strength to endure it. God answered me, this time, via church service: Forgiveness does not mean subjecting yourself to abuse for the sake of a relationship. Instead, I walk by faith to rebuild a relationship that is healthy, loving, and gratifying, but also accepting it requires both of us to work for it. Until then, I am who I am intentionally and unapologetically. I am imperfect, but that’s okay. Deuteronomy 7:6 reminds me I’m treasured and Psalm 139:14 says "I’m wonderful, and if I am because The Lord made me so, why should I ever feel shame in that?"
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