Portrait of a model

Angelika Gribova

Portrait of a model

Artistic direction: Luxury Digital Marketing LTD Design: Luxury Digital Marketing LTD

Angelika Gribova Portrait of a model When people hear «Fashion World», they probably think of beautiful girls in spotlights, expensive clothes, accessories, and expensive champagne that never stops flowing. But not many people know how blinding the stage light might be, how uncomfortable it can be in a Gucci dress and how easy it is to drown in Cristal’s golden bubbles.

Anna is no stranger to it: dreaming about the world of fashion as a child, only as an adult did she learn about all its pitfalls and now she shares her invaluable experience on the pages of this book.

Marketing: Luxury Digital Marketing LTD Berkeley Suite 35 Berkeley Square Mayfair London W1J5BF UK

www.digitalluxmarketing.com

Origin

Story based on true events Paris, 2020

M EET THE HEROINE «The body is a place where you can live,» the psychologist told her, and from that moment, those words seemed to be imprinted in her memory for the rest of her life.

Her body was ideal. It attracted the men of all ages, professional photographers took shots of it, amateurs who wanted to bring themselves up by their photo stages worshiped it, it was painted and sculpted, and it was shot in clips and put on the covers of magazines. Nevertheless, sometimes she thought that she intentionally destroys this body to find out, where, after all, is the real she. Does she have her personality? Or is there only emptiness inside this impeccable packaging?

She told her psychologist about her nightly adventures, about scandals, alcohol, and drugs, about the fear of intimacy with men. And only after a long work, after many hours of therapy, she suddenly realized that she stumbled upon this thought, as if she stumbled upon on a person who had come from around the corner — she was destroying her body and mind.

It seemed to her that her soul was locked in her body, like the Sleeping Beauty in her tower, and the prince had to destroy that castle to reach her. Or at least he had to start attacking...

Her name was Anna, she was 23, and she was the perfect cover model.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

Of course, she did not really want to destroy her body. According to her psychologist, she didn’t want to do that consciously, but subconsciously, that thought was running in her head, in her neural nodes, somewhere in the deepest cells of her brain.

The psychologist said they needed to get to the point where that thought originated in her. And now they were trying to get there.

At some point, she remembered how her grandmother passed away.

Anna was eight and she spent her entire childhood with her grandparents.

— Why? — he psychologist asked.– is is a rather extraordinary situation.

Children usually live with their parents...

Anna was silent for a moment...

— My parents were afraid of persecution... All my life, for as long as I can remember, they were afraid that they would be killed, kidnapped, imprisoned... Therefore, they gave me to their parents... To protect me…

— And they told you about this?

— Yes, since childhood. Since my early childhood.

The psychologist wrote something in a notebook. The pause was rather long. (“I wonder what does he write about me there?” Anna suddenly thought.)

— Okay. Let’s get back to what you wanted to tell me about. So, you lived with your grandparents...

— Yes, I was six then ... This is one of the brightest memories of my childhood.

When I look back on it, the first thing I think about is that I did not want to brush my hair. Granny, grandpa and I had to go to my granny’s friend’s birthday, but I still didn’t want to comb my hair. Grandpa was already drunk by that time, so grandmother did not take us with her and left alone.

6

My grandpa and I decided that we still needed to go, so we got ready and followed her lead, about half an hour later.

I remember how we crossed the road and suddenly saw something lying on the road. I thought it was some kind of a big black bag, and I couldn’t get that thing out of my head. My vision seemed to have narrowed to the size of that “something” lying on earth - you know, like a picture on the phone. I saw how quickly a crowd gathered around that «bag», and my grandfather and I approached slowly, as in a fog. And then it turned out that this was not a bag - it was my granny.

She laid at the edge of the road like a big shapeless something. When my parents arrived, they said that my granny had a heart attack, that she was very scared by a big black car, some kind of SUV, and that their enemies did it.

But I don’t remember that at all. I don’t remember when my parents arrived and what happened after that. I’ve just had a “memory blackout” for about two or three weeks. They say that I did not eat anything and did not talk to anyone, but I have no memories of those days at all.

I just remember that I didn’t want to go to that birthday, so I refused to comb my hair and even hid my grandmother’s shoes so that she couldn’t leave. I’m thinking that maybe everything would be different if I hadn’t grizzled and allowed my grandmother to comb my hair.

And then my second grandmother came. She took me to a sanatorium...

— And now you tend to blame yourself for your grandmother’s death?

— Sometimes I think about it. Somewhere deep inside. But I can’t do it for a long time - I feel terrified.

— I want to tell you, Anna, that it is completely natural for a child to blame herself for all troubles. Being at the age of seven, eight or nine years, we are just starting to become familiar with life, trying to do some things, as if testing our abilities. Therefore, you saw all the events, relying only on your knowledge at that time. And, of course, the first thing that comes to a child’s mind when something happens is the thought «it happened because of me».

— I would like you to understand: you are not the one to be blamed for 7

the death of your grandmother. Don’t judge yourself. Let’s do a little exercise.

Let’s imagine: what could you say to that little girl now? Could you somehow reassure or support her? Express your love to her?

Anna wanted to remember that little child, but her thoughts suddenly “jumped” in a completely different direction: — You know, something very unpleasant happened last week, — Her voice trembled. – To be honest, nothing terrible happened, but... I’m still a bit scared.

— Tell me what happened.

— This is terrible... A terrible story happened... With one fashion photographer, — she said softly. — You see, he is really very talented, he is like a gangbuster in all fashion magazines, his photos appear on international exhibitions, and the women in those pictures are really beautiful, very beautiful...

PRESS CONFERENCE Anna recalled the press conference, which was several days ago.

She and three other girls were sitting at the table. About fifty journalists with microphones, notebooks, cameras, and most importantly, a creepy gleam in their eyes, gathered opposite the girls in the hall. Those eyes expressed a mixture of curiosity and impatience. Those people never showed any sympathy, or goodwill, or at least a calm acceptance. She only saw the professional look of the hunter as if she was some kind of a rare prey.

If anyone asked Anna about a woman in her profession shouldn’t do, she would have immediately answered: “Do not go to press conferences!” But if you got there, you need to be very correct, restrained, polite, a bit interested, and most importantly, you shouldn’t show any feelings and let them know what interests you for real.

She recalled the details, questions from that side and the answers of the girls next to her. A lively guy with dyed, almost white hair asked: — Tell us, Anna, how did you meet this photographer (let’s call him Jean)?

— The first time he took a picture of me for the cover of one fashion magazine. I was flattered that such a famous person takes pictures of me, that he is so passionate about me, my body, my face. He just hurled himself into work; you could really see it. There were a bunch of other people there: hairstylists, makeup artists, massage therapists, and other models. We shot everything, and everything went fine.

Anna saw that some journalists were scribbling notes with their pens; 11

others were simply getting her on their recorders.

— And what happened then, did he offer to meet later?

— After taking shots, he seized the moment and told me: «You are so beautiful! I would like to shoot you again. Let’s set up a rendezvous. Come back next week». Basically, I agreed and came to his studio in a week. It was a huge studio located on the outskirts of Paris, but in a very poor area, even a dangerous one. I saw homeless people, drug dealers, and so on everywhere ...

And this Jean was in the studio alone. And there was no one else.

— Tell us what happened there, — the red-haired fatty asked. However, she was rather pretty.

— Well, I came for a shoot. He said: «Let’s work.». I began to change for the session, and he suddenly began to pester me, touch me, this kind of thing. I told him: «I like you, but sorry, I have very little time, my mom is waiting for me. We should meet near your studio. She’ll be here soon». I immediately made up that someone was waiting for me.

— And how did you find out about what was happening in that studio?

— The police wrote to me. I received a letter, which was saying: «could you come to the police to testify?». They saw my photos on his computer and his Instagram. Then we were shooting for a couple of hours. For one of the photos, he gave me a gun, so that I posed in furs, with a gun, without makeup and with wet hair, something like that. That was a backstage idea.

— Anna, why nothing happened to you, and the other girls were badly hurt?

— Yes, there was a reason for this. One good friend of mine, also a photographer, warned me that I mustn’t drink anything during the photoshoot: no alcohol and even water, if offered. It’s better to bring yours in a bottle.

— Which friends? — the brunette with a bright makeup got excited. («She seems to be from ELLE, » Anna thought).

— No comments, — Anna answered. She did not want to talk about her first boyfriend at the press conference. It would cause a new wave of hype, perverse interest, and a bunch of unnecessary questions. What’s that for?

She already felt wiped out and exhausted. She wanted to finish faster, get home and get into the bath. She always felt muddy after a press conference. *** Anna looked at the psychologist.

— I did not want to talk about my private life at the press conference, 12

they still misinterpret everything, but I want to tell you. Not so long ago, my boyfriend went to Dubai with his ex. I was very upset; it was not for the first time. Painful feelings tormented me. When he returned, I asked him, «Why did you do this?» He answered, «This photographer Jean called me.

He said that you had sex with him during the photoshoot. He described everything in detail». Of course, I said that it is not true and I never did it.

My boyfriend knew it because I told him many times that I would never cheat on him.

He replied, «Yes, he told me that you fucked with him during the photoshoot. Look, he sent me your conversation», and showed me the messages that Jean sent him. Jean wrote to me, «Come». I said, «I can’t come.». And there was such a simple conversation, in the same vein.

Words that can be interpreted in any way, if desired. And, of course, Jean didn’t send the photos to me, so I don’t even know how they look. And the whole Paris was on hype, the whole Facebook is full of emotions, press conferences, testimony in the police, maybe I will even have to attend the court session...

— But the worst thing is that the danger was so close to me. Now I constantly think about how I can protect other girls from such stories. And I realize that it is probably impossible. Where exists such a product as beauty and youth, there will always be a danger of assaults and harassment.

It is very hard for me and makes me feel really sad.

Anna thought for a moment. She needed a break. She never spoke so much anywhere, except for this office. Neither on meetings with her friends, nor during the shoot, nor on meetings with men, never does she speak so much about her real feelings. She sighed loudly and looked again at the psychologist. He was waiting for her to continue. Sometimes he simply waited for Anna to speak, without asking questions, as now, and Anna continued.

— As it turned out later, this photographer, Jean, raped eighteen girls.

He poured drugs into their drinks and then photographed them when they were lying unconscious. He made all kinds of videos with them, and all that.

And when they woke up, he sent them home and warned — if they try to tell someone, he will post those videos on the Internet and they will never find any work in Europe.

— I remembered! — Anna suddenly said. — Yes, for sure, he was caught 13

on a site, dark.net. It is private, only for photographers, they upload different kinds of pictures with models there when they don’t see them: while changing clothes, or when they are drugged. Many videos and photos were with underaged girls. And he threatened those girls with a gun.

— One girl at that press conference said that she had a photoshoot with him, and she posed with a gun. He tried to kiss her, she kicked him, and then he told her that this is a real gun, and if she doesn’t agree to have sex with him, he will shoot her. She was under a lot of pressure, and she still cannot go to photoshoots. I felt so sorry for her, so sorry!

— I wonder what exactly hurts you in this story. What seems especially important to you?

— You see, he was a very famous and very talented photographer. All major agencies worked with him, girls were fourteen, fifteen, sixteen years old, when they were sent to him. The best agencies of Paris collaborated with him. I’m just shocked by this! How can such a talented man use women like that? We are just things for him! Inanimate objects? Props for work or satisfaction of sexual arousal? The better the camera, the better the photo?

And the younger the body, the better the pleasure? I can’t understand this...

And this press conference last week... With all those questions, details, tears... Ugh...

— Yes, I heard about this story. Now, after I started working with you, I became interested in what you do. I saw your shootings in a fashion magazine last month. Although this story with Jean became so big that you don’t even need to dig deep… It’s in all the news and all the newspapers. The controversial issue... I am glad, Anna, that some forced saved you and you weren’t harmed. Although this story really scared you, didn’t it?

— Why are you now interested in fashion?

— Not in fashion, Anna, but in your life. I want to better understand you and your surroundings; understand what affects you, although you may not notice it... I want to see what may be important for our work. And now I need to tell you one important thing. If you can really feel it, not just admit it in your mind, but feel that your grandmother’s death is not your fault, that you behaved like an ordinary child, a baby who didn’t want anything bad, perhaps you will not expose yourself to such risks either will you get into ssuch dangerous situations.

— Do you think that it’s connected?

— Believe me, I know that this connection exists. And we will search for 14

this connection during the next session... And for now, our work here is over.

ANNA' S IN TH E CITY Sometimes Anna needed a sea just dreadfully. Then she just went for a walk along the streets of Paris, wandering around the city without any purpose. Paris somehow resembled the sea – it had the same boundlessness, unpredictability. Anna recalled how she had lived in Egypt for several years — almost half of her childhood. In Egypt, she had only two things to do: spend hours swimming in the sea or watching Fashion TV. She roamed along the Champs Elysees and Montmartre, stopped at the windows, looked at the mannequins and recalled how she was fascinated by the images of the girls on the catwalk. A child, she thought that fashion was the most beautiful realm in the world. She walked into jewelry boutiques, tried on rings and earrings and just enjoyed the look of the jewelry, it was calming. And she remembered how she dreamed about these things as a teenager, dreamed of getting into this realm.

As a kid she thought, “How lucky they were - all these beautiful people from the TV!” They are in the most beautiful places, they buy the most expensive things, and their world is simply “ah”! But later, she saw a lot of things that were not “ah” but just “tut-tut-tut”!

Most of the people she met in the fashion industry were alcoholics, drug addicts, perverts - in various meanings of this word. A more or less healthy person does not even want to communicate with such people. But this is on the one hand. On the other one, with whom to communicate then?

This question really worried Anna. She did not have close friends in childhood, and she always talked only to animals or to herself.

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As a child, she dreamed about this world, but now she would be the first to run to any girl and warn her: do not become a model... Oh Lord, it’s a yeoman’s labor! In the beginning, to break through the crowd of the same gaunt girls, you need to work a lot!

Sometimes Anna thought that she was unloading the cars, that’s how tired she got at the shooting during the day. You should work a lot for pennies because beginner models are paid poorly, and its just a formality so that you have enough money for lipstick and stockings. To somehow survive, you need to take two or even three shootings a day; go somewhere on the first call; follow the orders of the promoters, which are very ambiguous; stick around rented apartments on the outskirts; fight off idiots with a penchant for young models (they call them «fresh sugar»); wait for an invitation to castings for weeks and even months. And most importantly, you plunge into deep despair and self-doubt, from which it is so difficult to crawl out later...

It seems that the only help is alcohol and endless parties, the circular flow of men, women, bars, and discos. But no, not a damn thing helped...

All that left you dry as if you were sucked out through a straw.

Anna saw many who could never get out of this.

Generally, the models are divided into three categories. The first ones pass from hand to hand, from one rich man to another right up to the model «pension», (up to thirty-five or forty years if you are lucky).

Millionaires take them on trips on yachts or even spend several months with them in the interval after a divorce and before a new marriage, and that’s all. Others work like dogs, they constantly have no money, and quickly fall out of the race because of fatigue, insolvency, powerlessness, they simply cannot fight for name and fame. And others are either party drug addicts who constantly accompany promoters to the Cannes Film Festival and rich parties and have sex with everyone whom the promoter points out, or simply those who have children with rich married men and live at their expense.

Anna knew about this firsthand. She even was a mistress for some time.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m 18

— You look great, Anna.

She settled in a deep armchair. She liked these first minutes with the psychologist when she realized that someone will listen to her for the next sixty minutes and understand her. That her story will be valuable, not like a gloss picture.

— Tell me how you feel. What happened this week?

— What happened... What happened... I met one man... But now I would like to talk about something else...

— Yes, tell me about your concerns. I see you are excited about something...

— Yes... While I was going to you, I thought about one question. You see, one contradiction tears me apart for all my life, for as long as I can remember. How to put it better...

— Say the first thing that comes to your mind.

— You see, I always wanted to have all the best.

— What does it mean to you?

— All the most beautiful, I guess... Yes, I want to have something very, very beautiful... I tried to get into this realm of fashion since I have been watching Fashion TV in ​​Egypt for days. By the way, have I already told you about my life in Egypt?

— Not yet.

— I lived in Egypt when I was a teenager, from thirteen to nineteen. I guess I lost eight kilograms and became ten centimeters higher there. I have changed a lot, and I began to look much more attractive than when I lived in Russia. In Russia, I was a small and short Roly-Poly, and I had pimples all the time. In Egypt, I became much prettier; I went swimming in the sea and swam for five or six hours every day, dived and looked at the fish. I constantly watched Fashion TV, every day. I saw the backstage from photoshoot, fashion shows, fashion weeks in Paris and Milan, the Cannes Film Festival, and the Chopard Party. I watched it every day and thought, “I want it too, they have such beautiful clothes! Everything is so beautiful, and they are probably very rich and very famous!

Several years have passed, and now I am here, as I wanted. The interesting thing is that the ugly side is not visible in what is shown on TV: how they, these girls, achieved this, what they have been through, what they had to do for this.

I would dream to tell about what kind of hellish toil it is! Moreover, the 19

toil without any guarantees! People work and get paid for it, and we, models, work and get nothing. You never know what will happen next, where it will lead you.

Anna thoughtfully fumbled a kerchief. It was a beautiful KENZO neckerchief with a bewitching print of Japanese ornaments. Having taken it off her shoulders, she crumpled it in her hands and smoothed it on her lap.

— Well, I watched Fashion TV for hours and dreamed that I would have such dresses, such jewelry, such cars...

The girl thought for a moment and continued as if she had chosen the right words.

— On the other hand, simple things always attracted me. This is my dilemma. As a child, I really liked my friend’s mom, who was always at home, cooked something, cleaned the house and washed clothes - an ordinary woman. I looked at her and thought about why I do not have such a mother.

Perhaps it is very cool to be the daughter of such a mother! After all, you can always ask her something or just come up and stay nearby at any time.

Always tasty food... Always clean clothes...

— What about your mom? She didn’t cook for you?

— Oh, don’t say that! My mom? If my mother wanted to provide me with a delicious meal, she took me to a restaurant. Since I was a little child, she and I have been going to these restaurants. But this is not the point.

I mean, she seems to be somewhere in her world, far from me, she looks somewhere inward, sometimes she trembles with fear, with fear that I don’t understand, sometimes she calls someone, I don’t know who, and asks for help... Sometimes she suddenly leaves somewhere... And I constantly think, what is better? This or that? I can’t find a definite answer to this question...

On the other hand, I recall how I got in touch with that photographer, with Guillaume. He is very mediocre, not rich, not handsome, and niggard for all that. But he always was nice to me, always treated me well. But when I saw something better, I immediately left him. I never knew what to choose. I still cannot decide. I’m winding from one side to the other constantly.

The psychologist looked at Anna over his glasses.

— You know, people have been looking for an answer to the same question for years and even decades. This is normal for a person. It just speaks of the importance of the question... I want to ask you: how would you describe your mother in two words?

— In two words? Thin and... dependent... It seems to me she always feels 20

chilly, she is constantly trembling and wrapping herself in something. I think that she felt chilly even in Egypt... Sometimes I think that I have to protect her from some unknown dangers of life, not the other way around…

— And what are those dangers?

— I remember once when I was little, about six years old, I was sleeping.

And suddenly the window shattered, and I woke up because of that. I went to my parents and said that the window had shattered, and they came to my room to see what had happened. And they saw that shattered window as if someone had thrown something from outside, from the street.

Parents checked the wall and found that the bullet stuck in it. They were so frightened that they sent me to grandparents, to some relatives in Samara, or something like that.

— And do you think that those dangers were real?

— I still don’t know... There was something like that for sure, there were some real reasons... But my mother’s reaction scared me even more.

— What do you mean?

— Well, for example, she always goes to some sorcerers and mental healers for as long as I can remember. It’s always like that: on the one hand, an external threat from security services, mainly Russian, and on the other - salvation in the form of magical rites and sorcerous influences. For as long as I can remember, my parents constantly visited a mental healer, a woman, a psychologist, several times a week.

Mom said that they should give her money because this woman protects their lives and their business, and they may be squished without this protection.

Mom constantly read some codes, repeated some words, some formulas that this woman gave her. About five years ago, my mother began to tell me that she was encoded, that she was assigned with some kind of programs, that that woman could code and control the richest people in our city, that she was from the GRU, from intelligence... and that she studied in Paris. Why is this happening, doctor? Why had she been telling me this from an early age? Does she not understand that this terrifies me?”

— This is a good question, Anna. — The psychologist paused. That pause was long, only the measured knock of the wall clock broke the silence.

— I think your mother’s unconscious has chosen a way to protect itself from the complexities of the outside world. Perhaps the reason for this choice is rooted in her childhood. You see, Anna, a person cannot choose their 21

But back to your words, Anna. You and I just want to see your reactions from the sidelines. Why do you think you have such a choice: a craving for something ordinary and normal, and a desire for the most beautiful and unusual?

— I think that I see stability in the ordinary, something that cannot change in a day or half an hour...

— Are changes a danger to you?

— From an early age, all the changes for me were the result of dangers and misfortunes.

— And what about the desire for something most beautiful and expensive?

What is this for you?

— Now when you asked me, I suddenly realized that craving for something beautiful and the most expensive is the same desire to find protection from dangers. Somewhere deep inside, I think that the best things, expensive jewelry, and stylish dresses will give me protection from dangers. Perhaps I think that people who possess such things are not prone to dangers and misfortunes.

— Well then, this is a very good analysis, Anna! I think we should stop here for today. And next time we will try to understand what exactly gives you a feeling of safety, and why you run into situations that are fraught with menace and danger. Perhaps you will understand why you draw these situations. See you next week, Anna!

TH E PA RTY reactions. We are not capable of it at all until we see them clearly, as if from the sidelines. Then we manage to work with it a little bit. But only if we can The past year was especially shitty. One may say that this was one of the worst years of her life, including even her childhood. On the outside everything seemed fine: Anna was constantly invited to shootings, her popularity grew, the tender, innocent look of a teenage girl was very popular among agencies, her parents were nearby, men constantly made overtures and invited her to dates, and she received expensive gifts and great recognition. She hung out with different famous and rich people, but she was sick and even sad at heart... She felt really bad and did not even know why.

When she once asked herself: Why am I feeling so bad?», such an answer came to her mind: «I was betrayed.». And that’s all. She did not know who betrayed her and how.

Last year, Anna inalterably broke up with her boyfriend, Carlos, with whom she had been together for two years. She saw Instagram stories of his ex-girlfriend when she was with him on a yacht, and they were sleeping in the same cabin. On the same day, Anna blocked him on all her accounts and went to the city to hang out with friends.

Anna has one pal - not a close friend, but a good pal, Jackie. He knows everyone in Paris - all DJs, all celebrities, all people of bohemia. He is about fifty, and he was the one to introduce Anna to his other friend.

Although no, it was not quite like that. It was a kind of magical story as if from some French novel. About love. Anna asked him to find a boyfriend for her friend, who came to Paris after breaking up with her boyfriend, and Anna intended to find her a suitable couple. She hoped it would amuse her friend, who was constantly sad and despondent.

25

That evening, they were supposed to go to dinner - Anna and her friend, Anna’s pal who knows everyone (his name is Jackie) and one of his friends.

But the girls spent all day at Disneyland and returned to Paris at almost in the morning. It was already very late for dinner, but they decided not to postpone the meeting and to have a drink somewhere.

Anna told her friend: «I don’t know who this person is, whom Jackie wants to introduce you to, but he has many cool friends. I saw one of his friends, a millionaire from Lebanon, and I happened to see him with his wife. She was so beautiful, and he is a highly intelligent and very interesting person. I liked him so much! He made an incredible impression on me! I hope he brought someone like this guy to introduce you to».

Just a minute after those words, Anna and her friend went into the apartment. Anna stopped dead at the door - Jackie’s unknown friend turned out to be the man that Anna told her friend about only a minute ago!

They spoke all evening. They just couldn’t stop! Anna thought that everything seemed to be better when he was beside her! The next evening, he invited all three of them to dinner again: Anna, Jackie and Anna’s friend.

They went to a nightclub, and after that, he did ask Anna for her phone number.

He stayed in Paris for a week. He always spends the first ten days of August in Paris, without his wife and their child. And without work. He just walks around Paris, hangs out with his friends, and that’s it.

The next morning, he called her and they met and no longer broke apart throughout the week after that. He was very polite and delicate, he didn’t push it, didn’t demand anything in return and fulfilled all her requests. It was a magical week. It seemed to Anna that something like this never happened to anyone before. But then he went to his house in Beirut for two weeks.

He comes back there for two weeks every month.

When he returned to Paris, they immediately met, and he took Anna to her favorite restaurant. They sat down at a table, and he said “I love you,” reached a little box in his jacket pocket, opened it, took the ring and put it on Anna’s finger. It was a Tiffany diamond ring. Anna was speechless, she did not know what to say, and she just wanted to cry... Usually, such gifts are given when people want to propose, and Anna’s heart was full of happiness.

She was happy, yes, but not very much, given that he was married. He could not propose because he was already married... Anna did not know how to react, what to say... But then again, they spent two weeks together without 26

breaking apart.

When people become dear to each other so fast, it happens due to a strong mutual attraction. It seems that this connection is established as if once and for all. And the breakdown of this connection never happens on its own, quietly and calmly, but is always accompanied by some dramatic circumstances and occurs for tragic reasons.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Doctor, I know your meetings take place at this time. That’s why I came to you. I just don’t know what to do, whom to go to!

The woman was sitting on the very edge of the armchair as if preparing to take off and fly away at any moment. The psychologist thought that she and her daughter were somehow elusively similar, but her daughter, on the contrary, loved to settle deeper into the chair. Anna learned to relax in this office.

— My daughter is gone, doctor!

— First of all, good afternoon. Secondly, let’s get acquainted. You are Anna’s mother, right?

The woman in the chair nodded impulsively.

— Don’t worry, please. My name is Dr. Wise. Well, I was surprised to see you, not Anna. Tell me what happened..

— This, — the woman frantically scrolled something on her phone, — this is what I received from her number yesterday: «Mom, I’m very tired, I want to stay alone for several days. I’m okay».

— You said : «from her number», do you think that it was not her who wrote the text?

— You see, I’m sure, I’m just sure that it was not her, that she was abducted, that she was forced to write it.....

— Abducted... Who could have abducted her? For what purpose?

— To scare me, exert pressure on me, on me and her father! This story, this persecution will never end. My poor girl, my dear daughter. She became a victim of security services’ revenge!

— Revenge for what?

— Why don’t you understand? Security services do not need a specific reason; it’s just their job - to take revenge on everyone and for everything.

27

— An interesting thought... Still, why do they need to abduct your daughter? For a ransom? Are you wealthy?

— “Security services do not need money! They just hate everyone who hates them!

— So, you hate them?

— Yes! They are evil! Pure evil! They brought us so much bad! You know, I was in prison, we lived under the sniper scope for several years, and our family was destroyed. My husband was forced to flee the country and live in exile...

— Everything you tell is really terrible. But think, maybe Anna got really tired and decided to stay alone with herself for a few days. Sometimes it helps a lot! I recall that she skated around several times when she felt incredibly tired... Did you receive any other messages from her?

— No! No messages! And her phone is even out of range!

— Has anything like this happened before?

— No, doctor, she never wrote such messages! There were times when she was out of range for a couple of days when we lived in different countries, but I went crazy even then, and now! Now I go nuts! I have a bad feeling!

Something happened to her! I came running to you, doctor, because she respects you very much, she treats you very well! I just don’t know what to do, where I can look for her! Honestly, I thought I would find her here! This is terrible! She is not here! And she did not even warn that she wants to cancel the session!!

At that moment, the door of the office opened, and Anna froze on the threshold.

The doctor automatically looked at his watch: 4:10 p.m.

The woman fluttered out of the chair, like a bird. Anna crossed the threshold and made a move towards her mother:«Mom! What are you doing here?».

— Good afternoon, Anna! Your mom is here. We will talk about the reason for your delay later, but I am very glad that you came. Frankly speaking, I have already begun to worry! Since both of you are here, I suggest you have a group therapy session! It would be just wonderful!

Having tiptoed a little, the woman impulsively hugged Anna and seemingly began to touch her hands, head, back.

— Are you okay? Where have you been? How could you do that? – Questions rained from her, like yellow leaves from a tree under the autumn 28

wind.

The psychologist waited until both women came to their senses.

— Still, I would like to have this meeting with you, Anna, and your mother. Let’s try?

Anna was silent for a moment; she clenched her purse, her fingers trembling. Anna’s mother froze, looking at her with a kind of mixed feeling.

— Okay, — Anna hesitated. Only if... — She paused, — Only if we don’t talk about where I was...

— What do you mean – we don’t? I want to know what happened to you!

That nothing bad happened to you! I demand an explanation!

— I’m fine.

— That’s great, let’s sit down and talk. My dear, could you accord your daughter’s request? I think this is very important for your relationship because you both didn’t end up here accidentally. I think both of you even wanted this subconsciously...

— Okay, I’m ready. I will not ask her about where she was.

— Awesome! Let’s start with something.”

— I’ll start, — Anna said suddenly. — I want to tell about my childhood, as I remember it. I want my Mom to tell me whether all of this really happened. Or I made something up.

—I remember that my parents always were starkers at home, and there was just a wild mess in our apartment. It was very dirty. My parents had a large apartment in the downtown and suffered from real persecution mania.

They never tidied up on their own and did not invite a house cleaner because they had some paranoid feeling that somebody could pour something on them, put some bugs and do something illegal. No one had washed the windows in the living room for about fifteen years. One day my parents said that they saw a red dot of a sniper sight from a neighboring house. Mom said that the mess creates additional security for them. The windows have been unwashed for a long time, and besides, they were smeared with some kind of gray paint. Then mom took me to live with her. This happened when my granny, my father’s mother, became worse; she had diabetes. My parents are still officially married, for already 23 years, but they lived together only until I turned ten. I never lived with them when they were together, and I spent the night at their place only occasionally. I remember one night when my dad came down on my mother, beat her, broke the door when she hid in another room. I yelled «Call the police! Call the police!» And my father said, «This 29

little bitch says: call the police. Come now, try!».

Anna was silent for a moment, took a deep breath and said: — This is not all... I want to tell you about another case that I have never told anyone about, neither my parents nor you, doctor, nor my friends.

Somehow, I think that now is the time to tell. Yes, I want to talk about that time... When I was six years old, my mother had a friend, a photographer.

She sent me to a modeling agency then. I was a little Miss City. I won that competition with this photographer, and it was on New Year’s Day or shortly before the New Year. I remember that there were guests in the house, everyone was tipsy, and there was some kind of party. I remember that this photographer was shooting mom naked. I saw her drunk, and she posed on some furs. I don’t remember how it happened that I was left with this photographer alone: ​​we watched TV, and he began to touch me. I said that I wanted to use the bathroom and left, but I didn’t go to the bathroom, but to my room, where I hid. At that time, I already understood something - I understood that I had to protect myself somehow...The other woman, sitting on the edge of the chair, began to cry.

— Why are you crying?

— It hurts me to hear it. It hurts to hear this from my child.

— What causes you this pain?

— You see, I have never heard of our life like that... Now, when I hear this from my daughter, it seems to me terrible...

Anna suddenly said very firmly: — I want to continue. That’s not all that I wanted to say. I remember that I had a friend, and I really liked her, she was our neighbor. She had a very good mom, calm and ordinary. She kept the house clean and cooked some food. And I remember that I constantly thought about why I didn’t have such a mother. I rarely saw my mother, she never cooked, she just left me money every morning, and I went to the movies or McDonald’s with my friends. I cooked on my own.

Both women fell silent. It was clear that some internal processes of comprehension captured them... The psychologist u nderstood that these were very valuable moments...

— Now, to conclude this session correctly, let’s remember something good from your childhood, Anna, something for which you can say «thank you» to your mother.

Anna was silent for a moment.

30

— In general, I always knew and always felt that my mother loves me, takes care of me. Of course, she didn’t cook food for me, but when she wanted to provide me with a delicious meal, she took me to a restaurant.

I went to restaurants with my mother from early childhood, from the age of six. When I was a kid, I often traveled with my parents, they took me on trips, we went to Bali, Cyprus, Greece, Turkey. I mean, on the one hand, I always had the most beautiful and expensive things, I was always dressed better than anyone, like a doll. I think my mother cared for me in such a way.

I can thank her for this.

— Thank you, this is a good memory. I think we should leave today’s session here. If you want, we can continue with both of you next week. If you do not want to come together, I am waiting for you, Anna, at our usual time.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna! I’m glad you are here... Honestly, I doubted that I would see you after that meeting with your mother last week...

— Good afternoon! No, everything is okay. She understood me... Or pretended to understand ... At least, she ceased to be afraid that something had happened to me. I think she suddenly saw that I had already grown up, that I’m not a little girl.

I guess, as she hadn’t seen me as a child all long ago, so now she does not see me as an adult.

— What do you mean?

— The fact that she still does not allow me to make decisions. Regarding my life.

— But that’s not quite true, Anna. In general, you do what you want.

— Actually, yes, but now I want to say that I met one man. I spent these days with him, and I did not want my mother to distract me with calls. She always misunderstands everything in her paranoid section... That’s why I didn’t want to talk about where I was when she came here.

I have something else from my childhood that I did not have time to tell about the last time...

For example, I was kicked out of school several times because I came in dirty clothes. I remember that I always had dirty hair, and sometimes I didn’t wash my hair for a month and a half.

31

Do you remember when I told you about this, probably a month ago?” Anna looked at the psychologist. “You said that I had all the signs of depression. I did not want to say this to my mom because she always exaggerates everything, all the dangers. I also remember that I loved running around the city without shoes, barefoot. I was about thirteen, no, even younger - ten years old. I was ten.

I also remember that I was sitting on the roof with my friend, and I suddenly told her that I could do anything to get on TV, to become famous, to have beautiful things. Even at that time, I began to think about this world - the world of fashion. Now I want to tell a story that just cannot end because of my mother, she interferes all the time!

— I am listening to you, Anna.

— I feel I should start from afar, with the story that began about a year ago.

In general, the situation at that time was difficult for me, very difficult.

At that time, my parents didn’t live in Paris, and I was alone there. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I didn’t have an apartment, I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have a place and money for living, and I didn’t even know what to do. This Carlos, my first boyfriend, began to hit on me again; he wanted to come back to me.

Anna sighed heavily and seemed to plunge into the difficult circumstances of those days.

— Then I told him, «Okay, if I come back to you, you will support me, give me money, well, I don’t know, five or seven thousand a month». I could not do otherwise. He agreed. We started dating again, but I didn’t live with him anymore, I refused to live in his apartment. A couple of months earlier, I met a man at a fashion show. He introduced himself as a journalist from the German «Harper’s Bazaar». He invited me to dinner at one of the best restaurants; he behaved very well and did not get onto me. I even thought he was gay. I agreed to go to dinner with him after I had a falling out with Carlos. Before that, we talked with this German on Skype for three months, and he called me every day. He told me all kinds of beautiful words, such as, «I like you, I want to enjoy this time to get to know you better.» And we had our first real date. He invited me to a firework show and musical fountains in Versailles, we had dinner at a fancy restaurant, and he presented me a diamond ring in the very first evening.

— And what did you feel after that evening?

32

— You see, I seemed to live in two worlds: difficulties and survival in my everyday life and super-swank with this German. I seemed to fell into my dilemma again - either something ordinary or something too unrealistic.

— Go on, Anna. I’m listening to you.

— You know, doctor, I had a very bright dream tonight. It was so bright! I remember everything very clearly. May I tell you about it?

THE DREAM In the old days, in some other reality, I heard the phrase: «Follow the white rabbit!» Of course, it’s stupid: I just couldn’t keep up with the rabbit...

The rabbit jumped from side to side, as if playing his own hopscotch — from square to square, from square to square...

«Who am I?» She suddenly thought. «And where am I?» «Why am I in some forest, and what kind of forest is this?» I looked around, it was sunny, but it was foggy. The beams cut through the fog like a knife through butter. The beams fell from somewhere. «It’s probably early in the evening», I thought...

Rabbit’s whitetail flickered somewhere in the distance.

There were just huge trunks around me. These trunks of some giant trees went high. «Sequoias!» A word suddenly came from somewhere. What kind of sequoia? Who knows?..

I suddenly felt like in some other world, as if in another matrix! «Ah, so this is where the white rabbit comes from!» Suddenly it dawned on her Morpheus said that to Neo. The memory of «The Matrix» caused some disturbing feelings... I really wanted to remember with whom I watched this film and could not do it...

«Follow the white rabbit!», — Its white tail flickering in the undergrowth distracted her from disturbing thoughts.

«And if I don’t keep up with him, what should I do? What can I do, how to find a way out of this giant forest with beams cutting through the dense fog?»

So. Several things have become clear now: I do not know who I am; I do not know where I am; I do not know how to get out of here, and I don’t know where I need to get...

34

«And do I have a body? Am I hungry?» – Something definitely began to shine through, like this sunbeam in a whitish fog.

Suddenly a leaf began to fall slowly from somewhere higher up. It spiraled, smoothly descending, approaching, and finally appeared directly above my head. I held out my hand, the leaf lay exactly in my palm, and suddenly it turned out that it was not a leaf, looking like a butterfly, but a giant butterfly, looking like a leaf.

Having fluttered from my hand, a butterfly did not fly away but began to twirl around my face. The butterfly was white and had two black specks exactly in the middle of the wings.

I suddenly remembered how one Hindu said: «You need to tell the butterfly your desire out loud, and it will come true because the butterfly will carry it to heaven».

«And who is Hindu?» I suddenly became interested.«A Hindu is a colored man but certainly not dark-skinned... But who are people with dark skin?»

«Come on, don’t get distracted... a wish... What do I wish for?»

The lighting in the forest changed, the beams became more oblique, and the fog was thickening. It became clear that the night would come soon.

There was a completely distinct realization that I had to get out of here before dark, whatever it takes. Otherwise... I did not know what would happen otherwise but something definitely would.

«Yes! I have a desire».

And I suddenly told the butterfly fluttering near my face, loudly and distinctly: «I want to get out of here».

«Follow the white butterfly!» The words sounded in my head, and I followed the white wings. The butterfly flew away and returned as if waiting for me.

I focused on the white color of the wings, and it was completely obvious to me that I should not lose a butterfly in any case. I already lost a rabbit, and they won’t give me a third chance. But who is «they»? I did not know.

I focused on the wings — white wings with black specks. They were still clearly visible in the thickening dusk. I didn’t look at the ground where something was pricking and biting me, I ignored the twigs that scratched my face, some sharp branches pricked my hands, but I looked only at the white wings flickering in front of me. And then I woke up.

— This is a very beautiful dream! So many images! Do you know, 35

Anna, the white rabbit got into «The Matrix» from «Alice in Wonderland»?

Like Neo, Alice was waiting for incredible transformations and magical adventures! Perhaps you also anticipate some great transformations in your life. After all, a butterfly is a symbol of transformations and a new life.

Besides, it fulfilled your desire. After all, you woke up, so you got out of the magic forest!

— Dunno... But at least the butterfly and the rabbit evoke pleasant feelings... I don’t think it’s some kind of a nightmare. I got lost in a mysterious forest, I didn’t know how to find a way out, I didn’t know what could happen to me, but I was not scared for some reason. I think my mother told me that I would get lost so often that I got used to this idea... You know, I really love animals. If I see animals in a dream, this is a good dream for me. I think I love animals more than people. In Russia, I always had cats. In Egypt, we constantly had dogs - three, four dogs. Once we had even eight dogs. I felt terribly sorry for them because the Egyptians - even small children - throw stones at the dogs and beat them with these stones until they die. They beat even very small puppies. I constantly picked up these dogs and brought them home. I believe that animals are very good, much better than humans are. They will never betray you, and they will never do you any harm deliberately. I still have a dog. It’s a chihuahua, and I just adore her. And this story happened to her... Terrible things... Because of my fiancé.

— After that first dinner, we started dating. At that time, I almost stopped working because I could not find a job, I only did some shootings from time to time. There was a dead-end in Paris back then, and there was almost no work for models. And we constantly had all sorts of scandals with Carlos.

Our agreement did not last long because he told me that he wanted to travel with his ex-girlfriend and be with me at the same time. All at once. At first, I accepted it because I had no choice, but then, when this other man from Germany appeared and we started dating, I left Carlos. This German fell in love with me, and he proposed to me six months later. He did it on February 14, in the Ritz suite. There were roses everywhere; he bought me a Dior crocodile bag, a very beautiful Dior ring «Rose Bagatelle», and then I said «yes».

— Why did you decide to accept his proposal? Did you have romantic feelings or something else?

— Due to all this, I felt like I was a valuable thing. Such concern, such admiration! This is very important for women. I can even say that this is the 36

most important thing for a woman. I was the center of his world, so I said yes. But some disagreements between us began to appear back then. He was very jealous, and he began to scare me a little. I never saw his father and his family, never talked to them, and he showed me only one photo of his family.

I did not know exactly what he was doing. I suspect that he was making money out of fashion. He spent five, ten, fifteen, twenty thousand euros daily: on purchases, on restaurants, on hotels. He invited me to restaurants every evening, and the bills were just crazy - from three to five thousand euros.

It was in February, we had already dated for about six months. You know, doctor, I began to feel some kind of wrongness in this, and I understood that this was some kind of deep-laid injustice.

— What exactly seemed strange or unfair to you? You used an interesting phrase «гdeep-laid injustice».

— You see, an ordinary family in an ordinary Russian city can live a whole month for the money he spent on one dinner... He was somewhat unnatural, and I started to notice his pretty odd behavior…

— It appears that you began to feel uncomfortable with him back then...

— That’s it, it felt bad when I was with him. Then we went to the Cannes Film Festival, he bought me many beautiful dresses, we had invitations to all the best events, to all jet-sets: to Chopard, to Grisogono, to Amfar, with all the celebrities, with Leonard di Caprio, there were plenty of models, Cannes festival. We went there, and he rented a room at the best Hotel du Cap-EdenRoc. I took my chihuahua on this trip. But I had a bad feeling and asked my parents to come there. I paid for their tickets and a two-week rent of an apartment in Cannes at the same time because I had a sneaky feeling about the Cannes Film Festival. Plus, my mother said she had a vision that I would go to the south of France and wear a beautiful dress on some yacht, and they would abduct me there. This vision was a few years ago when we were living in Egypt. But I think that I’m already too tired for today, I can’t talk anymore.

Besides, I constantly think about this man with whom I spent the last days: I want to tell you about him, but let’s continue next time...

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Let’s continue, Anna. Last time, you started telling me about your fiancé, a German.

37

— Yes, exactly. When we arrived in Cannes, we indeed went to all these parties with the most famous people in the world. My fiancé threw out a crazy sum for all this, we spent two weeks in Cannes, and I thought that he spent the annual budget of a small African country there. Then, one evening - it was Suare Chopard, some famous singer was singing there, I don’t remember who - and after that, there was an after-party at Leonardo di Caprio’s villa, and we went there. And my fiancé was jealous of Leonardo di Caprio at that villa. We had our first scandal, and I said that I did nothing. He simply growled at me, «Why do you look at him like that?!» «He is just my idol, and I liked him ever since I was a child.» He said, «I see. Okay.» And the second scene happened a few days later, then we went to Amfar. This charity dinner is one of the most popular in the world, and Leonardo di Caprio runs it too. We sat at a table, and one guy spoke to me. And my fiancé was jealous again. I drank a couple of glasses of champagne, and we went to the hotel after that. He started snapping at me and snatched my phone in a taxi, telling me, «You are my property! If I do not wish, you cannot even breathe!

You will do what I tell you!» He seized me by the neck and arm and gave me a few bruises, and we started to fight with him in the car, in the middle of a lonesome road, in the Uber.

— I think it terrified you...

Having heard him screaming that I was his property, it hit me hard. I had some kind of instincts turned on. Someone inside me screamed, «Danger!

Save yourself!» No one had ever considered me their property... I began to cry; my makeup was smeared. I was crying in a beautiful dress, he was grabbing me, almost trying to rape me in the car. Then we came to the hotel, he calmed down a bit, and I said, «I want to sit in the foyer for a while.» I didn’t want to follow him to his room at all, the self-preservative instinct had not turned off yet. He said, «No, you’ll go to my room right now,» and I answered, «No, I won’t go.» He tried to drag me, I fell and began to cry in the middle of the foyer, and all the celebrities just saw that. And one man stood up for me, and the concierge began to drag him, my fiancé. And here is such a picture: I am sitting on the floor, almost lying, he is swooping at me, swinging his hands, trying to drag me by my hair into the room. As it turned out later, a man that stood up for me was a famous actor, he received some nomination at the Cannes Film Festival or won an Oscar before that... Some kind of eminent actor. And he punched him, my German fiancé, in the face.

My dog was ​​in my room. And he said to me, «If you don’t follow me to my 38

room now, I’ll throw your dog out of the window.» I started crying, I started asking the concierge to come with me so that I could pick up the dog.

— Perhaps he wanted to further strengthen his power over you with these threats: if you are his property, let alone small creature that belongs to you!

— Yes, he was just mad, a real psychopath... I felt just awful. I was feared for my dog to death!

Just imagine: I’m wearing an evening dress, shoes, only a hundred euro is in my purse, at best. And he said to me, «I won’t give your stuff back, I won’t give your dog, and if I want, I’ll throw it out of the balcony if you don’t do what I say.» I asked the concierge for help, he called the guards, but that did not stop him; he began to swoop on me again and almost raped me in front of the concierge. The guards dragged him away, and I grabbed my dog and a bag in which I had cash just in case. Then, when I was crying in the foyer and waiting for a taxi, two men, Italians, got acquainted with me. They began to entertain me, amuse me, and at least I stopped crying. Besides, I did not have any documents, and the hotel wanted to call the police so that I would write an application because he was very aggressive. But I didn’t; I went to my parents instead. As a result, I took one taxi with the Italians, they got out first, and I did it later. I arrived at the apartment and noticed already there that I lost a new diamond bracelet that this fiancé gave me. And these Italians never answered my calls. Misfortunes never come singly: aggression and treachery right at once. I got to my parents and went to bed.

— And how did your parents meet you?

— They always understood me in such cases. At least they always tried to help right away. They were calming me down; mom made me a cup of tea.

I went to bed because I was just falling off my feet. But the next morning he began to call and apologize, told my parents that he was simply very jealous, and all that. My mother began to persuade me to return to him. In short, she simply railroaded me; she made me forgive him and return to him. He bought me some dress as an apology, and the next day we went to some charity evening again. He got drunk there again and began to pester me in the room. I said I didn’t want anything, and he hit me and raped me in that posh Eden-Roc hotel. I could not do anything; I was just laying and crying.

The worst thing is the feeling of powerlessness - as if you were being led to the slaughterhouse on a rope. He began to say, «Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you so much, I love you so much.» In general, we spent another year 39

together after that, but I never stayed overnight with him. And we never stayed even at the same hotel. “I love you, I want to marry you, but I have problems with self-control, sorry.” That’s what he told me. And his apologies seemed especially wild, as if nothing happened before, as if he had just stepped on my foot! After that, he began to behave very strangely, his hands began to shake frantically, and his pupils were dilated. And it has been like that all the time.

— What feelings does this story cause now? Maybe, any associations or memories?

— Yes... Perhaps… You asked, and I remembered that I experienced something similar when I was a child. A feeling of helplessness, when circumstances are such that you cannot change them in any way, when you keep saying something, explain to someone, prove, but nobody believes you...

When I was thirteen or fourteen, I had a friend at school. At first, she seemed to be a good girl, so innocent and shy. Then she seemed to freak out: she lost a lot of weight, became more attractive, began to drink, smoke some snuff, cut out some letters on her arms. Once, when she got drunk again, she had a real drunken tantrum. My other friend helped me to pull her off the window when she threatened to jump out, and we closed the door. But she fell on the glass, cut her arm badly and lost a lot of blood. Our mothers, mine and hers, took her to the hospital. She told the doctor that I pushed her and she had lost a lot of blood because of me, but this was not true. I tried to explain to my mom how everything really was. Maybe she believed me, but no one else did, and I even had to leave school after this incident. Generally, after that, I could not get close with anyone for a long time, friends, I mean. I managed to do it only recently.

CHILDHOOD Anna stopped attending school when she was about thirteen. Due to that incident with her friend who cut herself with glass, they wanted to register her with the juvenile delinquents’ department. And if this happened, Anna would not be able to get an international passport, and her mother would not be able to go abroad. By that time, her parents no longer lived together.

They gasped for leaving the country. Her mother got this obsession after she went to jail and spent three months there. Anna still did not know for what. Mom’s friend gave a very big bribe to let her go, about one hundred thousand euros. Parents said that she was abducted and held in prison illegally, and they extorted money.

After that, Anna’s mother set out to leave. She was very scared. But it was not so easy to do in those years.

Mom’s friend had a talk with the headmistress and took the documents from the school. And Anna was sent to a parochial school, whose headmistress was an old friend of Anna’s grandmother. The girl studied there for the last three weeks before her fourteenth birthday, and then she completely stopped studying.

After that, her parents kept her at her grandmother’s house. They ensured that Anna wouldn’t go anywhere, and her grandmother took care of her.

Then she and her mother went to Spain with that man and a nanny.

Mom and her boyfriend constantly went somewhere, either to Paris or to Switzerland. They were looking for some funds and bank accounts in her name that were opened at the beginning of the 2000s, because of which they were allegedly harassed and had to leave Russia. It was an endless paranoia.

Paranoia, which can be seen in everything.

When her parents were planning to go to Spain, Anna did not even know 41

what the kingdom was. She was a bit amused by this word: she knew the kingdoms only from fairy tales, and she was so interested to see what kind of country a kingdom was!

Anna did not know anything about Spain; she thought that there were no roads, and local peasants were sitting under palm leaf umbrellas, so when they landed at Barcelona Airport, Anna exclaimed, «Wow, they have roads here!»

Her mom was very surprised. «I thought you were joking about the peasants under the palm trees! I didn’t think you were serious!»

Anna replied, «No, it was not a joke, I meant it!» Now she also smiled when remembered this.

Anna also remembered that a trip to Spain changed her. She finally began to wash, brush her hair, wash her clothes and take care of herself. They stayed in Spain for about four or five months, constantly traveled to different cities, looked at the sights and visited interesting places.

Then her mom bought an apartment in Egypt and sent Anna with her friend and Anna’s grandfather there. But the apartment needed repairs: there were just bare walls, with out electricity and water. Anna’s grandfather slept on an air mattress, and her mother sent him money to make repairs. But he lost everything or spent it on booze, who knows. Then the mother’s man began to make repairs there, and Anna helped him.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon. Anna! How do you feel today?

— Thank you, everything is fine. Although the mood is still so-so.

— Tell me, what bothers you?

— I am still under great pressure because of my mother and this German.

She constantly tells me that I should continue dating him, that he loves me, that he is the best option for me ... Blah blah blah…Let me tell you what happened in Cannes after all that.

— I’m listening to you.

— At that time, it suddenly became clear that someone had hacked his card when I left with him in St. Tropez. Someone made purchases for 200 thousand euros. Dior, Chanel, Chopard, and so on. And the purchases were 42

made in those countries that he visited; he constantly went somewhere.

Then I thought that it was his business because he was a pure psychopath and a criminal by nature. For some reason, I clearly understood this now, when we are no longer dating. Perhaps he is hacking cards or bank accounts, something like that, some illegal operations. Indeed, it is not clear where he gets such money.

— There are many other oddities associated with him... For example, as it turned out later, he had four phones, which I did not even know about. What is he doing? What is his job? He eats only in restaurants, travels to fashion weeks, lives in the best hotels, meets all the best models and constantly goes to various events. I simply can’t understand what he does, what brings him that kind of money... But I can say one thing for sure: he makes money out of fashion. All in all, this is a dark story. And I feel a bit worried because of it.

— Have you tried to tell your mom about your suspicions? To describe your feelings?

— That’s the point..., — Anna sighed. — When I told my mother that he behaved aggressively and scared me, she did not understand anything. She just kept telling me, “He loves you, it’s you to blame for your quarrels.” She told me to stay with him. And it’s still like that.

After that scandal at the hotel, I stayed with him for another year. Then I dumped him. He makes me sick, I can’t even see him, and I feel really bad when he is around.

— But this is a normal reaction to a threat, Anna. It is a healthy response to threats, battery, and violence. But I would like to ask, why do you think you attracted this man? More precisely, what caused such aggression?

— I don’t know for sure, — Anna thought for a moment. — But it seems to me that the whole point is that I always look, um, very elegant, but always naive and childish. In my opinion, this childish look attracts aggression to me...

— But this childish look, as you say, is not just an appearance; does it somehow reflect your inner essence?

— Yes, it does. Apparently, I look defenseless.

— But there is something in you that protects you, isn’t it?

— Maybe. On second thought, I always get away with everything; it just turns out that way.

— Yes, you often plunged into difficult situations. For some reason, I’ve just remembered that dramatic story with the photographer when you were 43

six years old and this is probably no accident. There is something especially important for you in this. Now I would like to ask how you feel when recalling that case?

— I am disgusted, I feel nausea...

— Is that similar to what you feel for your German fiancé?

— It is very similar…

— Because then, as a little child, you felt a threat and violence, and you feel almost the same now. Perhaps you would like your mom to protect you?

Anna suddenly squeezed her hands; the tears simply flowed from her eyes.

— But you did well, Anna. You told your mother about that story, and you protected yourself to some extent. As an adult, you were able to help that little girl who managed to avoid harm and abuse, and that incident probably gave you such power for life - to get away with everything... Or, at least, with the least losses. Let’s leave it at that today.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon! Come in, Anna!

— Good afternoon! You know, I came earlier today, and I have been sitting in the corridor for half an hour.

— Why did you come so early?”

— I was very upset because of this story, because of this scandal. I could not stay at home, I was nervous. I just came here and chatted with my friend.

She was reassuring me, she always understands me very well. Just like you...”

— What is this story? – The p sychologist looked somewhat surprised: he was not ready for this.

— Well, they have already bombarded me with messages on Instagram.

Now they accuse me of my grandfather’s illness! Oh my God, I am so tired...

Anna covered her face with her hands, closing her eyes.

— In general, my life is not going well now. You see, I have no work, and my mother doesn’t make this any easy: she came to ask for political asylum because she is allegedly being pursued in her homeland. Oh, you know all her ideas... At the same time, my father stopped sending her money, so he almost left her to me. And Carlos promised me a visa, but as it turned out, he cheated on me with this girl. And I found myself again in the deep... in the 44

very depth of existence! And now this!

She scrolled something on the phone and handed it to the doctor. Large letters lighted up on the screen - the heading of the article. «THE STAR LEFT HER GRANDFATHER DYING ALONE.».

The psychologist returned the phone to Anna and looked at her encouragingly, waiting for the continuation.

— You see, a great scandal was spread in the news and the Russian press, and these articles appeared even here, in France! The Russian star, fashion model, left her grandfather to squat in Egypt! She gets richer day by day and goes to expensive resorts but does not help him at all. They took photos from my Instagram, and they started sending all kinds of threats, they even shot a TV program, and all this came out of thin air, really out of nowhere..

Anna suddenly burst into tears... But a bit later, she managed to concentrate and pulled herself together.

— My mother said that this was a paid-for action, an attack on us, and their enemies paid for it to scare them. She said that all this is because of their problems, but I don’t know anything about these problems... In short, she is sure that their enemies did it, and they are persecuting them here. After all, I constantly gave money to my mom - 200, 300, 500 euros a month, it depended - so that she sent them to my grandfather. And they simply yelled their heads o ff that my grandpa had no money, that he was starving, finding food in the bins, falling in the streets, that he had anorexia, and all that. And my mother sent money for my grandpa to some Egyptian sorcerers, and they had to give it to him... Now I don’t know, maybe those are true? I’m terribly aggrieved for myself, and I’m already scared for my grandfather, I need to call him urgently! But holy shit, it’s almost impossible to get him on the phone – usually, he does not take calls.

— Anna, why do you think your grandfather didn’t get your money?

— Perhaps they did not give him that money. I mean sorcerers. They are really strange and unpredictable... And my mother trusts them completely, she obeys them. When she is sick, she constantly asks for their help and sends them money, and she does it even when she has some problems! When she is doing well, she again sends them money because she does not get sick and she is doing well. Those articles, these tabloids say that he has health problems, and we abandoned him, and all that. But it’s not like that! Now my mother will fly to him. I gave her money for a trip and my grandpa’s hospitalization, although I don’t have much money now. I even think 45

sometimes, “How kind of my father to pay for our sessions! It would be really hard for me without those meetings!

«Damn those gossip girls!» Anna shouted furiously, clenching her fists.

«Those creepy articles will certainly not do any good for my grandpa!»

THE CALL The phone near the bed went off like a fire alarm siren.

Anna reached it – it was Mara.

— You went just crazy yesterday! Mara immediately screamed without any «Hello!» or «Hi!» — Really? What happened? I don’t remember anything. Anna realized that her head hurt terribly and her mouth was dry. Oh God, she fell asleep in a dress...

— Wait a minute, let me pour some water...

— You do not remember anything? Whoa! You romped with the guards..

— With the guards? What guards? How could I romp with the guards?

I’m not a ninja...

— With the guards of this jerk, at whom you were throwing shots of tequila!

— Tequila?!

Anna felt sick...

— Not a word about tequila...

She began to recall something, but vaguely, through the veil of headache and dull pain in her body. Some bars, dance floor lights, then a taxi. Like a flash - a window in a taxi shatters to smithereens...

«Oh my God! I broke the window in a taxi!»

She was terribly thirsty and wanted to take a shower.

— Damn it! Mara, call back later or better come in an hour or two. I’ll get myself together at least, I need a shower... Come to my place, tell me everything!

— Sure! I’ll not only tell but show! You were rolling yesterday! I have a lot of pictures!

47

*** Anna already had a spree. Back when she was applying to the École de Louvre on the request of her parents, and she came to Paris to file the documents. Then she returned to Prague and told her parents that she had not received an answer yet. She said that she nee ded to wait for an answer in Prague, and perhaps she would have to go to Paris again - she lied. She wanted to be in Prague, not Paris, so she returned and rented a hostel for six or seven euros a day. There she went to clubs every evening and had drinks constantly. She remembered this time with a shudder, «How could I do that?»

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— You see, doctor, I could be playing around with the first guy I met at the bar, and in the morning, I wouldn’t even remember what his name was, even what he looked like! The next day I could meet someone and play again.

I lied to my parents that I lived at their friends’ place in the countryside. I said that I behaved well and didn’t go anywhere. But it was not like that in reality.

— And how was it in reality? – The psychologist asked. It looked like he was really interested.

— I want to tell you about this period, doctor. What should I start with?”

Anna thoughtfully tapped her fingers on the arm of a leather chair. — Well, for example. Once I got drunk, and I don’t even remember what happened, but, more likely than not, I vomited at the reception at this hostel. I shattered a window in a taxi. Some guy paid for all this. I had only 20 or 30 euros, at best. My dad sent me 20, 30 or 50 euros every day or every two days.

— And why did your father establish such strict rules for you?”

— Probably, he was afraid of something like that...

— Maybe just these fears of your father somehow became the reason for your so-called spree?

— No, I do not think so…

— And what was the reason?

— You see, I felt really shitty at that time... I woke up in the morning and felt bad immediately, and every morning was the same. It seems to me that I 48

even had a fear - I began to be afraid to wake up while I was sleeping...

— Perhaps there was a reason for your depression?

— Of course, but now I want to tell more about that time.

— You are welcome.

— I lost my purse in a nightclub, and my phone, hostel keys, money, documents, and iPad laid there. And I lost... lost all that in the club. Then it turned out that my mother called me, and a security guard from the club answered her, like «Well, you, lady, had a few yesterday and lost your handbag, come and take it.» She didn’t tell my dad; she said that I just didn’t pick up the phone. She thought that she urgently needed to call to Prague and ask where I was, what happened, why I ended up in Prague, and not in the countryside, at their friends’ place, as I said. She did not call them; she realized that I was just lying. I don’t remember what I did that night. But the bottom line was when I phoned my mom on Skype from some guy’s phone. She ordered, «Pack your bags right now! I’m waiting for you in Egypt tomorrow. » — It appears that you deliberately endangered yourself and fell into extreme situations to dull some kind of internal pain. Probably, your troubles did not end there...

— Yes, I went to Egypt and found that I was pregnant. I had a delay of about ten days. I remembered that I had sex without a condom in that spree, and I would not even remember with whom. And the next day I took a pill.

Of course, we went to these Egyptian sorcerers, whom my mother constantly visits: she’s got a cold - to sorcerers, something happened - to sorcerers, you need to find the money somehow - to sorcerers, pregnancy is possible - to sorcerers, a cyst - to them too. And we paid them 500 or 800 euros, they told my dad about it, they enveloped me with some kind of smoke, and then I took a test, and I already had nothing then — So you think this problem disappeared because of the pill or because of the sorcerers’ influence?

— I still don’t know what it was; I seemed to be blinded at that time. In fact, I have an ambivalent attitude towards these sorcerers: on one hand, I constantly think that they are charlatans who play my mother off, and on the other hand, I see that my mom can’t do anything without their help, she needs all this. It’s fun that I constantly encounter some mental healers and sorcerers, all my life. First, there were three women in Russia whom my mother used to take me to, and then it was in Egypt.

49

Essentially, it turns out that this concept came to me from my parents: all the problems we had were always solved with the help of sorcerers, and not traditional medicine. And as I understood, they were cheated on often. My mom, in particular

A T T H E S O R C E R E R S’ Anna remembered how her mother took her to the Egyptian sorcerers once. Having walked down a narrow winding corridor, dark, musty, and filled with some old boxes and chests, they went into an even darker room, full of puffs from acrid fragrance. Anna coughed.

The blackface appeared from somewhere; the whites of his eyes had red streaks on the edges.

«It’s good that you cough! The demons are coming out!» — The man said, his teeth gleaming.

Anna flinched. She did not expect any demons, especially since they come out of her! She looked at her mother in dismay, but she put a finger to her lips as if saying, «Be silent for now» A man sat them on the floor, covered with holey mats. Anna looked at the walls and saw scrolls with some inscriptions, bunches of dried herbs, and even a dried bat. That was harsh...

The fortuneteller lit some herbs in an ordinary saucepan with a handle.

It blazed up, and a cloud of thick smoke with an even stronger smell of fried spices and garlic appeared.

A man spun around his axis, smoke from a saucepan wrapped around him like a giant snake, and suddenly the sorcerer howled, stretching out his hands towards Anna. The pan disappeared somewhere.: — The higher spirits! Defenders and intimidators! Patrons of Heaven and Earth! Great Spirits, seeing all the actions of earthly people, I call you to come and give us your magical attention! And you, woman, call on the spirits!

— I call on, – Anna’s mother answered.

— Do you call higher forces? – The fortuneteller roared more than ever.

51

— I do.

— Do you call higher forces from your heart? – The priest’s voice grew in strength and reached dramatic heights.

— I do, — Anna’s mother answered again.

Anna was dizzy because of a great amount of smoke and pungent smells.

She was sitting as if in hell, she wanted to lie down or at least lean on to something, but she could not show weakness in front of the fortuneteller. She did not know whether she could behave this way.

The sorcerer circled around the room with bells in his hands. At some point, he froze over seated Anna and cried out: — Do you admit your weakness to higher forces?

Anna was dumbfounded; her mother elbowed her.

— I do, — Anna answered.

— Do you admit your weakness to higher forces? – The sorcerer’s voice echoed off the walls, creating chaotic overdubbing.

— I do, — Anna answered.

— Do you admit your blindness and weakness to higher forces?” The priest was roaring in a mystical trance.

— I do, — Anna answered. She felt extremely uncomfortable: everything seemed false and meaningless.

«Gorblimey!» — She already began to regret that she had settled for this delusion.

Meanwhile, the sorcerer did not quiet down.

— Do you accept any answer of the higher forces, whatever it may be?

— I do, — Anna’s mother answered meekly.

— Do you accept any answer from the higher forces? – The sorcerer’s voice went down.

— I do, — Anna suddenly realized that her mother was expressing an uncharacteristic submission, and it was difficult for her.

— Do you accept any answer from the higher forces? – The priest asked almost calmly.

— I do, — her mother answered. Anna was relieved to feel that the end of the ceremony was approaching.

Having made the last circle around the room, the fortuneteller sank in pillows in front of the women. Rustling black silk fabrics reared around his slender body. A bunch of thin stems appeared in his hands from somewhere.

He threw the sticks on the mat and began to peer at their pattern carefully; 52

he counted and shifted them from place to place.

— Madam, it seems that the same thought is spinning in your head in a circle... — He began. — That thought may turn sour, madam.

Anna’s mother nodded. This was an accurate description of her internal state. Recently, harassment of security services has become her obsession.

— Let’s proceed to the interpretation of the sign. The Great Book says that you «should correct the wanders of the father, you must find a son, you must overcome difficulties with firmness in your heart, and then you can go through all the threats and achieve success.» Moreover, circumstances are developing and moving into a new situation, which is called the «accumulation of the great.» This is a good sign.

Anna leaned towards her mother.

— Mom, what does all this mean? What is this wander? And you don’t have a son!

— Calm down, her mother shushed her. — «This is an allegory, a metaphor.”»

To fix paternal discontent is... Honestly, I can’t explain right now. And finding a son is easy. You need to find a young man, younger than you are, and he will help with the business. I think these are our Czech friends. They are like sons to me. You should ask them for help. I think you need to ask them to look after your grandfather when I leave. That’s how we’ll fix paternal discontent. See, it all fits!

The voice of a psychologist yanked her out of these trance memories.

— Tell me, Anna, how did you get to Paris?

— I came to Paris from Egypt to study at the Department of History of Art and Archeology at the Louvre School. My parents wanted me to become an expert in Egyptian archeology so that I could do examinations and certificates of art objects. When we were in Egypt, parents, together with these sorcerers, came up with a business - to make a market of Egyptian antiques, which is not entirely legal. The problem lies in the fact that you need good prominence to sell them. Otherwise, no one will buy them: people will not take something unknown to a good house. Rich people are very careful with all art objects. An authoritative person needs to give his advice or approval... The Egyptians convinced my father to invest a large sum of money in this project, and most of what they bought turned out to be fake.

And real things were very hard to sell. Anyway, they were sold very cheaply.

53

In general, that’s why we went to Europe - to Paris, to Prague, to Milan, etc. We visited various auction houses and asked if they could take our goods for sale. Because of this project, they sent me to study at the Louvre School. I studied there for the first year, and after that, I got to my first fashion week in Paris, the first one that I saw in person. But before that, I lived in Prague for a while.

PRAGUE Anna remembered the weeks she spent in Prague.

Her parents sent her to study in Paris after four or five years of imprisonment in Egypt, where nothing special happened; Anna simply grew up on her own, doing nothing. She went to the bazaar with her parents, spent hours swimming in the sea and watching Fashion TV. That’s all that she did.

Then, when she turned eighteen, she wanted to go to Prague to study because one of her school friends went there, and there was a guy whom she really liked and whom she met in Egypt; his family was from Prague. The family had two brothers. Anna was seventeen when she met them. One of the brothers was forty years old; the second was thirty-eight. Anna liked them both very much. At first, one tried hit on her after her, and the other one tried to do it a year later.

Anna remembered this and laughed. These were pleasant memories.

About the real and fast youth. About the men’s attentions, when they suddenly began to hover around her.

In general, Anna liked the younger brother more. He was her first kiss, a kiss and nothing else.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

Anna leaned back in her chair. Today, she continued to talk about that twist of fate that brought her to Paris.

— “Do you remember the last time I told you that a Czech was hitting 57

on me? So, he invited me and my parents to visit Prague for Christmas. I was just starting to date him then; no, it can’t even be called dating: we just spent a lot of time together and had fun all the time. He invited me everywhere - to restaurants, to nightclubs, to go out on a yacht, and all that. In brief, I really liked him. Once I stayed in his country house together with my parents.

My parents did not know that he was trying to get me. And one evening he suddenly turned on the video, Blurred Lines Uncovered. This video made the world mad, it was even banned in many countries, including Russia. It is allowed only in the USA, its explicit version. In short, it showed naked girls dancing. Emily Ratajkowski and a few more models. She became famous due to this video. Overall, he turned it on. By that moment, he was already wasted. My parents were simply flabbergasted by this and immediately took me away. The next day we flew to Egypt. Then he came there.

And it happened so that we went on a trip in summer, in June, I guess.

We went to Europe. For me, it was just a world tour after several years spent in Egypt. First, we arrived in Milan, where I first saw th e Dolce and Gabbana boutique. And I simply fell in love with it at once! There were so beautiful shoes there - golden, forged, with roses. I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life. There I bought many beautiful clothes for myself and I had the idea to find a modeling agency in Milan, I decided to become a model. I wanted to find some contacts, but then my parents were against it, so I didn’t look for any. After Milan, we went to Prague and stayed at this guy’s place again. And my mother once saw that we were kissing, she caught us. She said, «That’s all, we are leaving!», but I wanted to stay for another two weeks because my birthday was approaching, and I wanted to spend it with this guy. Well, in short, I romped with her at Prague airport. She said, «You will go to Egypt!» and I said, «No, I won’t.» And we had a fight at the airport.

I was so furious that I tore my passport apart, right at the airport. At that moment, nothing mattered to me; I just wanted to stay because of this guy, and that’s all! I tore my passport apart and we had to stay. I glued it together later. My dad came after me, we went to Moscow by bus, across the whole Europe, and then we went to our city to make a new passport.

In general, that summer, when they sent me to enter the Louvre School, I again came to Prague with my parents. And it happened that they left me with the same Czech, in the house of his parents, because when we were in Paris, the acceptation to École de Louvre hadn’t started yet. Exams began only in mid-July, and I had to stay somewhere for two weeks. I said that I 58

want to go only there. And they sent me to the Czechs.

I said that I would live at his parents’ place, but in fact, I spent a week with this guy. But he behaved very well, very decently. I remember, we kissed and almost had sex. I was already not against it. But he suddenly said that he had to go somewhere. That happened two or three weeks before my eighteenth birthday. And I did not see him after this incident; he disappeared somewhere for two days. I think he was just afraid to have sex with an underaged. I was very upset about this.

I went to Paris and filed my documents. Then I returned to Prague and told my parents that I had not received an answer yet. I said I need to wait for an answer in Prague and perhaps I would have to go to Paris again. I lied to them. I arrived in Prague and rented a hostel for some ridiculous money.

THE BREAKUP Anna walked along the night Montmartre. The wheels of her suitcase were drumming upon the paving stones, and this sound filled the whole night street as if there were no other sounds left at all. Some moron called out to her as she walked past the station of a subway that had been already closed.

— Lady! Where are you going? May I walk you? Lady! Where are you going? Don’t leave!

But she did not even glance at him. She was really messed up, and the clatter of her suitcase made her even more furious. She left her boyfriend late at night, with one suitcase and fifty euros in her pocket, and now she was walking in the middle of nowhere, and this clatter seemed to freak her out, «Well then, where did you go? Are you a fool? Where are you going? Come back before it’s too late!»

Tonight, they quarreled until the late night. It was not just a quarrel but some kind of a special hassle - with insults, mutual humiliation, and even fighting. He said, “If you don’t like something then leave.” And then he began to say really wild things: you eat my products, you live with me for free, who are you to say something to me. Now it’s two in the morning, and she is alone on the street, with a suitcase drumming upon the paving stones with its wheels, and with fifty euros in her pocket. Moreover, she had no passport because her mother took it: she was afraid that Anna would go somewhere with this photographer.

Well, one could understand her. Anna had already torn her passport apart at the airport, not to go anywhere with her mother. Then they had a serious row. After that, her mother treated her documents with special trepidation and tried not to leave Anna with it for a long time.

60

A police car stopped near her, «Lady! It’s quite dangerous to walk alone at night, with a suitcase especially! Maybe you need some help? May we take you somewhere?»

«Where?— Anna thought, — My money will be enough either for a taxi to some where or for one night in a cheap hotel. And I`ll have a new job only the day after tomorrow».

Damn, what should I do?

The moron who yelled at her was somewhere near. Call him, or what?

Maybe call him and tell the police that he is her boyfriend... No, it’s unlikely, she will surely won’t get rid of him then!

Then she remembered that she got acquainted with a young man a week ago. He was a photographer, they met a couple of times, and he invited her to restaurants.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna! Come on in!

She settled in an armchair. The psychologist was sitting opposite her. This situation was already common for Anna. She relaxed immediately.

— Tell me, Anna, what happened this week.

— Oh! I have a lot to tell you about! Firstly, I left my boyfriend — Wow! Now, that’s the spirit! How did this happen?

— Yes, it was not easy because I have lived with him for the last three months. You remember, three months ago I met him in the subway. He called himself a photographer and said that he wanted to make a photoshoot with me. He also said I am so beautiful and he simply must make an invaluable work of art out of my beauty! I agreed and came to him the next day. He turned out to be a real photographer and took great shots for me, which I could show the agency.

Anna recalled that Will just waded at her after those first shootings, and they ended up in bed. But Anna had photos, and Will called someone and sent Anna to the agency, and she was immediately taken in. That was great!

But... she did not have a work visa, and she could not work officially. Then he created a website for Anna where she could work illegally. In general, the dream was becoming a reality. This photographer was almost fifty years 61

old; he was an addict, smoked weed every day and lived in Montmartre. It seemed perfect to her then! She always dreamed of living in Montmartre, being a model, fashion world, Paris fashion week, backstage, designers, designer clothes, and so on. It seemed simply dazzling, brilliant, alluring! She was so immersed in it that she even dropped all her studies.

— Anna, do you think about something? Did you remember anything?

Tell me what worries you. Share with me...

— Yes, I am very worried about my situation now. When I started taking the first shots, my father went rogue because he found out that I was dating this photographer. He blocked my card and canceled my rent payments. I could be left in the streets! And I knew this photographer for only two or three weeks, and he suggested that I move in with him. Of course, I did it.

My father still didn’t give me any money, my visa was expiring, I had to fly for a new one, but I had only twenty euros in my pocket.

It’s great that your sessions are prepaid! Otherwise, I would not be able to pay you! Of course, this photographer didn’t give me money. I didn’t have any paid photoshoots. Actually, they just started to appear. I started going there. Then this photographer said that if I live with him, I should pay half.

But I said that I was just starting to work and I didn’t have any money to pay at that moment.

He constantly brought different chicks, had drinks with them until three in the morning, smoked weed every night. Once I broke down and I had a spat with him; I said that I was tired of his constant gatherings.

And just recently, maybe a week ago, I met a young guy. He is also a photographer. He is twenty-five. You know, usually older men like me, from forty and older... And this one is unusually young for me. We met at the photoshoot, and almost immediately, that very evening, he invited me to a restaurant. We had a very good evening, and he told me that he really liked me. Then we met again after a couple of days. And by the time I ended up on the street with a suitcase, it was only a week as I knew him.

— And then, doctor, I remembered this guy and decided that I need to call him; there was simply no other option.

«Everything is okay, — I told the police. — Now I will order a taxi, my boyfriend is waiting for me!»

I called him because I didn’t know anyone in Paris. I couldn’t even book a hotel room because I didn’t have any documents and stayed on the street with 50 euros. He gave me the address, where I should have come. I took a 62

taxi and came to him because the subway was no longer working. He got a hotel room for me. He certainly helped me a lot! He just became a savior at that difficult moment of my life. That night, when I came to him and he got a hotel room for me, he stayed to spend the night with me. We slept with him in the same bed, but there was nothing between us. I wondered why. At that time, I still thought that he was gay because he wore accessories with feathers and rhinestones, loved very bright and colorful shirts. But as it turned out later, he was bi, but it’s almost the same as gay.

MARRIAGE Anna dated a young photographer for about a month, and he proposed to her around that time. They filed documents and got married two days before her visa expired. And she had to urgently fly to Russia for a new visa, she had to change her status, etc. Along with this, she didn’t have money for a ticket.

One day Anna met a man at the subway station. He called himself a photographer and wanted to take “beautiful pictures” with her, as he said.

But in fact, he was not a professional photographer. Many men in Paris like to look at beautiful girls, mostly naked, so they organize photoshoots. But they are not real photographers. This is very common, not only in Paris but there especially. They are called «amateurs». In general, Anna met such an amateur, and he constantly invited her to take shots. He behaved very well, and it was just photoshoots - nothing more.

The day after the wedding, Anna went to take shots with this man because she really needed money - for a new visa, for a trip and all that, and she had only eight hundred euros at that time. He borrowed her money for tickets, three thousand euro and Anna did not tell her husband about this; she was afraid that he might take even that money away. Actually, he turned out to be a very greedy man; he did not even buy a wedding ring. Anna and he split the bills for everything: both for food and an apartment. He once told her, “Your parents are obliged to buy you a wedding ring, and I have no money anyway. If you want money, go and make it on your own.” And that’s how her marriage began.

When she made a visa and returned to Paris, she began to live with her husband. By that time, he had stopped working at all. Instead of work, he raised rows, hissy fits, and falling-outs. Like clockwork – in the morning 64

and evening. Because of jealousy and a sense of insecurity. At that time, Anna was just beginning to work in earnest. It happened that she had 10-15 castings per day. She ran through the castings and photoshoots from seven in the morning; she woke up, immediately went to work or job interviews and returned home at ten in the evening. Sometimes she thought she was tired like a dog, breathing heavily with her tongue hanging out. The husband did nothing - neither at home nor in making money. In the end, they had to move to his mother’s place because he could not pay his part of the rent.

Anna couldn’t physically extort a whole load of payments alone: renting an apartment, utilities, transportation, food, and so on. Not to mention new clothes! Anna dressed at flea markets, she didn’t have a penny of extra money, and she needed to look good at the castings... Her father didn’t help either, he stopped giving her money when she got involved with that fiftyyear-old photographer, and after that, she didn’t ask anymore and never intended to ask.

But all the crap began when they moved to his mother’s place.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— You see, doctor, I just did not see his apartment before. When I got into this apartment, I thought that I had never seen people live like this before. Even in Egypt, when we lived with constant repairs for some time.

So, we moved to his mother’s apartment, and it turned out that my husband didn’t even have a bed; only old furniture was standing, and some shabby, dusty toys of twenty years old were lying around. And most importantly, doctor, there were bedbugs there! You just sit down on the bed, and bedbugs begin to bite you. You wake up in the morning - you have thirty bites, and they itch. Have you ever seen buggy bites, doctor? These are big red blurbs on the body! And I need to go to shootings.

I come to the studio, and they ask me, «What is it? Why do you have bites?» I forced my husband to do the disinfection, and I paid for it on my own. The disinfection worked for two weeks, but the bedbugs remained. It turned out that these are very enduring insects, and they are very hard to kill... I still have goosebumps when I remember that time, ugh!

— And what do you think of that time, Anna?

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— I often think why fate brings me such tests? How do I get into these stories? For what reason is all this happening? Due to lack of money, or lack of steady work, or lack of love and support from a loved one?

To cut it simple, two months after the bites, scabies, scandals, lack of money, his mother, who is not at all sane... I met a man at the casting. More precisely, this man organized a fake casting; he was a movie producer and purposefully made it all up to hit on me.

You know, having seen my husband’s mom, I thought how lucky I am to have normal parents! Sometimes I was depressed by the thought that they were paranoids and voluntarists, who could not stand objections, but my husband’s mother was constantly in a daze. Now I think that she didn’t understand what was happening, she didn’t do anything, she never went outside, she never cleaned up, she just sat in one place and giggled, watching TV. Yes, she had a TV-set...

— And how did you manage to get out of this crap, as you call it?

— Well, this man whom I met called me to the casting and gave me a script; I read it, and then he invited me to dinner. At that dinner, he confessed that it was not a casting - it was a fake, his invitation. He also said that he liked me and didn’t know how to hit on me, so he invented this scenario... During that dinner, he took courage and asked if I would like to go somewhere with him on vacation. I said, «Okay!» And we went to Ibiza.

I agreed right away because I just couldn’t sleep in my husband’s apartment, with his crazy mom and an epidemic of bedbugs!

When we arrived in Ibiza, he was hospitalized on the very first day, either with a cyst or with an ulcer. And he spent the whole week in the hospital, and by the way, I really liked him even then. I didn’t go anywhere, neither to clubs, nor to restaurants, and I spent all day with him. He was on a drip.

Then, when he was in the hospital, we talked a lot with him. He broke up with his wife, although not officially. And his wife lived in Brussels. He often traveled to Paris and Brussels because his son also lived in Brussels.

And I moved to him in about three months. Then I worked like a dog. I had photoshoots and castings every day, sometimes two times a day. But it didn’t bring me money. In a best-case scenario, after agencies’ commissions, even considering that I did not pay for the apartment, I had one or two thousand euros left. Sometimes there were about five hundred euros. Then I survived only because I lived with this man, with Carlos. He provided me with a place to stay, he provided me with a more or less calm life, and he bought food.

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— And how did the story with your husband end?

— By that moment, I almost left my husband, in three months. It turned out that he had been taking drugs since he was fourteen. He had an addiction of up to 23 years, and then he was recovering for a year, went to rehab and left it about four months before we met. And after we got married, something like this started again; he couldn’t sleep, went out every night, came at seven in the morning and fought with me. I couldn’t stand that, and I left him. And then I began to occasionally walk with promoters.

— I see it is unpleasant for you to remember that time.

— Yes, it was hard ... It turns out that when I lived with this man, I was kind of a mistres. He was about fifty years old. He was quite prosperous, but I couldn’t compare him to what I saw after that. I lived with him, and it lasted a year. He constantly said that he did not cheat on me. I didn’t cheat on him either. But it happened that I caught him several times. The first time he traveled to the Maldives with his ex-girlfriend. I called him out, and he told me that he would never do it again. And our relationship ended a year later because I also caught him in Dubai; he sent me a photo, and this girl was reflecting in his glasses.

I made a fuss and left into the street again. And in addition to all this, my visa was expired again. I could not work legally, and if I flew to Russia to make a new one, most likely I would not have been given Schengen anymore.

And my husband did not want to renew the visa because we had not been together for about a year and a half.

On top of that, when I started living with this man, my mom came to Paris. She said that she was being persecuted in Egypt again, they wanted to kill her, and she could not live there. She said that she wanted to ask for asylum in Paris. She came for three months, without money; I helped her, bought her some clothes. Part of the time, she lived with my husband, and another part of the time, she lived with me at this man’s place because he left Paris for several days every week. And it lasted so for almost a year. She went back and forth with me, and I had to rent an apartment for her because my dad was as useless as teats on a bull.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna! Today I am particularly pleased to see you!

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Where have you gone? Your mother called me the day before yesterday, she couldn’t get you on the phone for four days and I thought that it was time to call a doctor. She was just on the verge, and she was trying to run somewhere and look for you! Today she even wanted to go to the police! What happened, Anna? Where have you been? And why didn’t you answer the calls?

— Yes, doctor, I finally saw all the calls: from you, my mom, my father, and my friend. Now I will tell you what happened! Thank God, everything ended well. Honestly, doctor, I’m shocked. That’s never happened to me before! May I have some water? My throat felt dry right away...”

ANOTH ER STO RY On Friday, Anna and her two friends went to the best nightclub.

Everything was just perfect! Great music, groovy mood, beautiful people.

The girls looked very attractive. One of the girls suddenly saw some friend of hers in a large company of clubbers, and they called the girls to their table.

Everyone had fun; everyone joked, ordered drinks and sometimes went dancing. Girls stayed with new pals all evening. Then they decided to go to a nightclub together. Among the clubbers, there was one handsome young man, an Arab. Then he invited everyone to the after-party.

The girls doubted: they didn’t really want to go somewhere, they were tired and already tipsy. But that woman who invited them began to persuade them: «Go, this Arab is a very rich man, he always gives gifts to everyone, and you don’t need to do anything. Just be there, he likes when beautiful girls surround him! Just dance, chat, joke with him, and that’s all.» In general, the girls agreed, and the whole company moved to Four Seasons. But not everyone. On their way, many disappeared somewhere, including that woman who told them to come in the first place.

As you know, Four Seasons is one of the best hotels, very expensive. The girls — there were four of them — ended up in a very large and beautiful suite. When they entered the room, their phones were taken right away.

There were security guards in the next room, and one of them simply said, «Ladies, give us your cell phones. We will return them later, don’t worry.»

But such words caused additional worries. In short, the girls went into the room, and it was a large and beautiful living room. They saw ten guards, this guy, and his two brothers. There were so many men! They scanned the girls appraisingly; the Arabs clicked their tongues, their eyes shone. As it turned out, the guy was some kind of prince from Saudi Arabia.

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In general, everyone sat in a large room and just chatted until eight in the morning. Then the girls wanted to go home, “We want to leave, we have to go.” And suddenly they heard, “Do not go home. We will get a room for you.

Stay in your room, relax, and go to spa tomorrow.” What could they do? It was clear that it was better to agree. “«Well then, let it be.»

The room was great, but one of the guards took the girls into it. He said, «Do what you want tomorrow, if you want, you can go to the spa.»

What could they do? They went to bed. Having woken up, they immediately decided to seize the opportunity and go to rest, but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to happen. The same two guards who took the girls there, were standing outside the suite’s door.

They said, «No, you need the permission of our boss to go to the spa.»

The guards repeated, «You cannot leave the room.»

The girls returned to the suite and decided to have breakfast. And suddenly a girl who lured them into the company the day before entered their room. Of course, the girls rushed to her with questions, «Why can’t we go to the spa, why are the guards standing in our way, and what’s going on, what’s the matter?» She replied carelessly, «Don’t worry. We will go to dinner soon. The prince will warn the guards and you can go to the spa.» But the girls were not so sure. «And when can we go home? Our friends and family can already be looking for us! Ask him to return at least the phones so that we can warn them!» The girl answered strangely «Do not worry! They sent messages to those who called you and said that everything is fine! You don’t need to go home, relax here, and then we’ll go to dinner.»

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— All in all, doctor, all that happened in Four Seasons. And you see, the most unpleasant thing was that we were taken through the back entrance, through the kitchen. We arrived at night, we didn’t have any documents, and we were not registered at the hotel. In general, this whole mess lasted five days. And we could not leave the room for five days. He didn’t let us out.

His guards watched out for us. And we just sat in the room for three days.

As a result, he gave each of us a bag and some bracelets, and it was complete nonsense! Five days!

Of course, then the girls and I immediately went online to look for his 70

name. As it turned out, this guy was blacklisted in the USA for beating some waitresses. He didn’t let out some girls from his villa in Los Angeles for a month. He’s just crazy. The real demon! Thank God, everything ended well. There were no problems. We were lucky to escape! And just imagine, when I told my friends about this, everyone told me that something similar happened to them or their friends. It turns out that it’s not uncommon in Paris.

— And didn’t you want to notify the police? About the abduction? Or illegal detention?

— You see, doctor, we discussed this with the girls, but two of us do not have official work permits, and one even lives with an expired visa! So, since no one was particularly hurt, we decided to hush it all up... Eh, thinking about it is somehow disgusting!

— I agree, Anna. It’s terrible!

— This is the story that happened to me on the weekend, and I still can’t get over it ...

— Anna, what do you think about this story?

— I am glad that everything turned out to be well... I can’t think of anything else so far...

— I see that you seemed to walk on a tight rope once again, you avoided serious problems in a very dangerous situation...

— Yes, it appears so...

— Would you like to add anything else, Anna?

— Yes, that’s not all!” After we got out of the hotel, we, of course, tried to find something about that damsel who dragged us there. And we found out that she has a very bad reputation in Paris, and she is known all over the world. She brings young girls to some billionaires, princes and all that.

At the same time, she chooses exactly those who are unlikely to complain somewhere later. She does not warn anyone about anything, she does everything secretly, as happened with us. She never pays the girls. She is very greedy, just terribly greedy. She exploits girls indiscriminately. And some problems always arise from this, some crap. She always says it’s just a party.

But sometimes it’s not just parties, but big scandals.

I was told that we were very lucky that we were given at least something, he behaved decently, and there were no incidents.”

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TH E TYRANT Usually, Anna collaborated with several personal coaches, but a few months ago, she got to a person whom everyone considered the industry leader.

Frankly, it was fair.

Getting into his agency was a dream of any model. Success, fame, big money - all this became possible if you work with him. One can say it was the way straight to the tops. It’s hard not to make any progress in his agency. But, as Anna grinned bitterly at the back of her mind, if you skip the meeting at least once — you get kicked out, but you have to work hard all the time to stay there. Training on the catwalk, diets, body measurements, try-on, makeup sessions, photoshoots, and so on. Sometimes there was simply no time to drink a glass of water during the day.

This geezer was just super pro. His flair in fashion was immense; He was a trendsetter and he always had the last word. Many fashion houses invited him to the final rehearsals for the last-minute amendments, and his instructions on arranging models, presenting images, music, and coloristics always improved the defile. He could identify using only his eyes whether the girl grew fat by three hundred grams, or, conversely, went too far with fat burning and lost the pleasant smoothness of the lines. He could immediately understand when a girl began having problems with drugs or an intricate relationship with men. They say that he could say the girl was pregnant even before she knew it herself. His favorite phrase was, “Just what the doctor ordered!” and that’ why he was nicknamed the Doctor. It was a suitable nickname.

He knew everything about the female body. He was so immersed in his work that he preferred to rest and have fun with boys. He said, «We need to 73

divide work and leisure,» but Anna suspected it just was better for business.

The slogan: «NOTHING PERSONAL, JUST BUSINESS» suited him perfectly. Anna sometimes imagined those words shining directly above his head.

His instructions could not be breached. Sometimes he could force the model to practice turning her head for hours — until she began to turn it exactly as he needed. Anna was sure that if the Doctor told the girl to have sex with some rich pervert, none of his students could refuse him, including Anna. Moreover, this would be very useful both for the agency and for the girl’s career.

Anna received a message in the morning, «Today at three.» This meant that the Doctor called her for a meeting.

Anna gloomily looked at the girl in the waiting room; she nodded towards the door, making it clear that the Doctor is waiting for her.

What awaits her there, behind this door? Anna did not know and she was afraid.

— Hi, baby!- He began all his conversations like that.

— I get what you need, baby. You have to go dancing.

If Anna had been drinking water at that moment, she would have choked. Dancing? What kind of dancing?

—Why are you looking at me like fleegle flies on a flat-faced floogle horse?- The Doctor laughed loudly, pleased with his joke.— You’re awkward.

You have learned to cruise around the catwalk beautifully, but nothing more.

If I make you cook delicious fried eggs, and oops! It will become clear that you are awkward!

He uttered this word with particular pleasure.

— Honestly, your image of a teenage girl began to make me fucking sick a bit… How old are you? Twenty four? Well then, I want you to turn into the image of a graceful seductress. I feel, I just nose it out - the Doctor sniffed like a hunting dog - this will be in trend soon. And we will find new models for the role of gnarled teenagers.

—So here it is. The doctor orders - and he pretended to put on glasses and write out a prescription - the doctor orders you six months of Argentinean tango, take two classes a week. The lessons have already been paid, but don’t fool yourself: the costs will be deducted from your salary.

Carmen has the details. He nodded his head towards the waiting room.

— And don’t be angry, Anna, I know Russian swearing very well, even 74

better than you, as well as Polish, Greek and a bit of Chinese. — And he laughed joyfully again, clearly recalling something.

— That’s all, Anna. I am waiting for the results! Graceful seductress!- He tasted the words again.

— And don’t dare to miss classes! Remember, I know everything!

Anna dragged herself to the exit. Oh crap, even more physical activity, even less money... even less time for herself... And the Doctor surely found the most expensive classes...

Eh, she will have to pull up her socks again!

DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND TH EI R D I FFERENT INTERESTS Anna faced so much insincerity, greed, lust, manipulation, and use because of her work that she learned to recognize lies and dirt in the words and behavior of other people much earlier than ordinary people learn to do it. She could identify at first glance what any guy, who was hitting on her at the bar or after the shooting, would talk about.

In Anna sometimes went to a fortuneteller who worked with Tarot cards. Anna could easily determine what was happening in the heart of strangers or those whom she knew little. But it was difficult for her to understand what was happening in the heart of people close to her, and especially her man. He could disappear for several days without any warning; he could decline her calls and not reply to her messages. Anna was sick at heart because of this, so she visited the fortuneteller. The fortuneteller named Margo called the manifestation of egoism and the desire to use others for the satisfaction of their needs demonic qualities.

Margo said that there are two forces in the world - divine and demonic.

And we are between them. We seem to be on the front line, and therefore both sides influence us. The divine consciousness is characterized by discharging its duty and prescribed obligations. For example, the Sun is a Deity who cannot interrupt its activity for a second; it cannot stop shining, alluding to fatigue or illness. Divine consciousness always and unconditionally fulfills its duty and attains infinite bliss. Demonic consciousness is characterized by the fact that it does only what it wants. “I want this, and I want that. This is not enough for me, I need more, why they gave me so few, I will take more because I want it.” And in pursuit of fulfilling its desires, the demonic consciousness eventually leads to the collapse of the personality. “But it has never stopped anyone, our desires are strong!”

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Margot loved to say. «And both demonic and divine qualities are manifested in us, ordinary people! You just watch and try to understand what qualities a person demonstrates and draw to the appropriate conclusions!» Margo instructed her.

Anna snickered a little at her speculations, but, in general, she liked this concept, and sometimes she found herself evaluating other people from this point of view: do they act like demons or like angels? In the world of fashion, people acted mostly basing on their demonic nature. And Anna didn’t know another world.

Anna constantly met young bullshitters who can only chat and play with girls. Anna listened to them earlier, but then she stopped wasting her time on it because they always sai the same things. They were not interesting at all.

And she learned to disrupt their speeches right away.

With each year passing, there were fewer people around her. After the first, second or at least the third meeting, Anna could immediately identify what kind of person was talking, how they would behave, etc., and she was rarely mistaken. But those who remained beside her acquired special value.

Anna could imagine the essence of young boys who are bustling about models, but the models themselves are very special people with some kind of perverted psyche. All of them are so stuck with social networks, especially Instagram, that it resembles an addiction, some crazy pursuit of the number of likes and a bunch of followers! All these Insta-popular girls think only about likes and uploading photos, they are manically concerned about those who get more likes! People have become very dependent on this. Anna could not imagine that she did not go to Instagram during the day. But that’s not entirely true! When she fell in love, she dived into her feelings. She completely devoted herself to the relationship, and she needed nothing more: she didn’t need social networks, restaurants, and nightclubs.

She just felt fine. When she was in love, she understood that all these joys of the modern world are so fake, that, firstly, no one can be trusted in this world, and secondly, you spend so much time and effort on this fake.

Anna didn’t know how things were with the other part of her life, but half of all the people (if not more) she met in her working area were liars and perverts. She immediately saw - in a special expression of the eyes - when a person was determined to snatch something for himself, snatch something better. And if a person did this in the open, it means that he turned out to be a professional, and others even wanted to cooperate with him. If a person 77

hides his selfish ideas, they are an amateur, and you should not have any business with them. They smile in your face and simultaneously say nasty things behind your back. It’s inevitable.

If Anna was thirteen or fourteen and saw her today’s personality, saw how she lives now, she would think that this is exactly what she dreamed of then. She dreamed of living like that, of looking like that, of wearing such clothes, of having such a job. But now Anna has already begun to realize that it was childhood dreams, and everything is not as it seemed to her then.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna.

— Hello, doctor.

Anna settled comfortably in a deep armchair.

— Tell me what happened this week, what disturbs youет.

— Yes, I have some thoughts that worry me... I often think about the fate of models, about what happens to the girls of my profession.

— And what has occurred to you now?

—I have one friend. She has a boyfriend, he’s about her age; she met him about a year and a half ago. He is ordinary, not handsome, and not rich. And now she is with him all the time, and nothing else happens in her life. She thinks about moving to him, living normally with him, and that’s all!

Previously, she also dreamed of becoming famous. She said that Ibiza, St. Tropez, Monaco were waiting for her. I sometimes offer her to go somewhere together, but she refuses, “No, I can’t, because of my boyfriend, I don’t want to leave him.” Once she confessed to me that she was afraid of the life she had before she met her boyfriend. She is afraid to return to the state she was in because she only constantly went to parties, drank alcohol and did other bad things. And this period lasted a year. And she feels much calmer now.

—I remember, Anna, you also had a similar period.

— Yes, I also experienced something like that last year. But now I’m calm, and I don’t feel like hanging out and drinking alcohol. The only thing, I often get bored when I stay at home alone, and I want to make some stupid things.

I think everyone feels it. Or maybe not. And then these stupid things have to be sorted out. But it will be done the day after tomorrow. Yet, now I’m trying not to do stupid things when I am busy with something. Probably, I became 78

wiser.

Anna laughed.

— And again, I often fall into my eternal doubts: what is better - risk or restraint, what is better now, at this moment - to plunge in a spree or to keep a calm state? To each his own. But I know the taste of both. Everything is ambiguous.

— What do you mean when you say that you have tasted both? Can you give an example?

— Once I had the experience of a decent bourgeois life. I dated one man, I really liked him, and when he suggested that I move to him, I was very happy. So, I tried to live his life, the life of billionaire’s wife. You probably want to ask what it means? It means life without Instagram, to be at home almost all the time, to cover all of your body with clothes, not to go anywhere without him. He gave me everything I wanted and never told me no, not once. As soon as I ask for something, I already have it! I had a personal driver, a housemaid, a bunch of expensive things and jewelry, we lived in a penthouse from where we could see an amazing bay, we had meals in the best restaurants, but, in the end, I wasn’t thrilled about it at all.

— Why, Anna? One can say that such a life is the dream of most girls in the world.

— You see, he didn’t share anything with me, he didn’t tell me anything.

He seemed to treat me like a cat. He comes, scratches my ear, gives a present and turns his computer on. Then he analyzes something, writes something, thinks, or talks to someone on the phone about business. To be such a woman, you need to know how to obey, I guess. In general, it turned out that I cannot obey. I broke down rather quickly. Sometimes I think that I was in captivity... Of course, I don’t know how people live in captivity, but this word comes to my mind when I remember that time. I just couldn’t do what I wanted. I wanted to live such a life, and I lived. I lived in Monaco, and this is the center of bourgeois life, its peak, I may even say! Everything is very safe, very expensive and very beautiful...

— And what have you learned from this time?

— I realized that such a life is also not what I need. You see, I just really like chatting. I like talking, walking, going somewhere without a goal and discussing everything that I see. But it was definitely impossible with that man. No communication. Zero. It turns out that I again could not find what fits me, my nature.

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AT WORK Anna was sitting in the stylist’s chair; the shooting was to begin an hour later. Two girls were fluttering near her, like hummingbirds near a beautiful flower.

Anna was looking in the mirror, at the girls, at other models, which were also in the middle of preparations. She was looking at all this life, the bustle, the hubbub, which had exalted and thrilled her until recently, and she was thinking: “This model, next to me. I don’t remember her name... How is she different from me? Or that black model? I get it that she has a different skin color and a completely different hair structure, but how is she any different from my life and me? What awaits us all in a year or two?

If you think about it, where do most models end up? They marry absolutely normal men, ordinary people, give birth to children, keep the house or find some simple job.

There are others. They practically quit their job and just travel with different men they know. Some do it for free because they have kind of feelings; some are being paid... But both groups don’t last long. This is another question. And then they loaf about until they are forty years old from one man to another. As a result, they are left with nothing - no family, no wealth, no work... They often become charmless and haggard because such a life does not grace anyone.

Sometimes they meet decent rich men and they marry them or simply take care of them for the rest of their lives. And it is also unclear whether they are lucky or not...

Anna understood that none of these options attracted her. She wouldn’t want to be on these three lists... She saw many times how all these scenarios 80

develop. And she could not understand why the girls do this, why they get into such circumstances? They must understand that this does not lead to anything. If they simply travel everywhere for one year, a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth, no one will invite them anywhere later because everyone already knows them; the people in these circles are all the same... Does it turn out that their lives don’t depend on them? But they make this choice on their own! Is it the lack of an elementary social mind or bad luck? And let alone the huge number of drugs, alcohol, and everything else! But if a girl realizes that this is a dangerous path, why is she doing this? Yes, she gets married and enters into the gray routine of everyday life, without creativity, spontaneity, surprises. But why?

To change your life, you need to do something else, not what you usually do... But what? Study? Anna never wanted to study. She stopped going to school at the age of fourteen, and before that, she constantly skipped classes.

And she did not strive to enter the university at all – she did it only at the insistence of her parents. It seemed terribly boring to study! Where is all this excitement about life? Those fireworks! Beauty, music, bright colors, men’s attention!

Does it turn out that there are only two ways? The wrong way - to waste your life on worthless parties and clothes? The right way is to study, get married, give birth to children, go to work every day, and that’s it! Anna understood that neither one nor the other was suitable for her.

With an ordinary job, you can never earn enough money for a good vacation, for expensive things, for beautiful trips. And if you live with a rich person, and you have all this, how to use it, where to wear it and to what events, how to enjoy it if you don’t really need it?

It suddenly occurred to Anna that she received the greatest pleasure from free things: from walking outdoors, from the sunlight, from talking with friends, from playing with her dog. “By the way, this is a good question: what kind of things can be called the best in life?” She thought. «For me, the best things in life are animals, dogs. Sometimes I think that there are no people with such pure hearts as animals have. I consider myself a good person, not the worst in the world. But at the same time, I understand that I can’t be so devoted, rejoice so sincerely, always resort to the first call and rush to defend someone like my dog! It turns out that many people are so ugly inside!»

Anne became sad because of these thoughts, and she stopped looking at the reflections of the girls in the mirrors.

81

SOME NUANCES OF THE MODELING BUSINESS Anna understood that she was very lucky in relation to her career, luckier than others were. And she realized long ago that beauty alone was surely not enough for success.

When she just started working, she was lucky that her boyfriend Wilfried was a fashion photographer. He knew this whole world by heart, by that time he had been working in the fashion industry for thirty years, and he helped Anna to avoid many mistakes. But not all.

One day a girl checked in with her. She found Anna through her website.

They talked via Skype. The girl introduced herself as a student at an art school. She said that she paints and sculpts, and she needs a model for one job. She asked if Anna wanted to pose for an hour and offered good payment via the Internet.

The girl looked twenty-five years old, wore glasses and was very similar to a nerd; she had a rather jovial appearance. Anna decided to talk to her because they had a mutual friend on Facebook – the photographer whom Anna dated. Anna asked, «Are you a friend of such and such?”» And the girl replied, «Yes, I know him well.»

And she gave Anna instructions on how to behave in front of the camera, «First show your face, I have a special program for working with 3-D objects; I need to see you for this, and the program will make a sketch of your body.» At first, Anna had to show her face, then pose in her underwear, and then without a bra. Then the girl said, «Please take everything off.»

Anna undressed. All this lasted for an hour on Skype. After all these body movements, the girl told Anna that she needs some time to process the data, and she would transfer money to her in a few days. But a week passed, and there was no money. Of course, Anna asked her friend about this situation.

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He said, «No, all this is sold via the Internet. I can’t even imagine how many people have seen you naked. She redirected the traffic from her page there. Cut the crap! Never do that again!»

Anna tried to contact this girl. «What’s the matter? Do I need to remind you that you didn’t pay me?» And after that, that girl disappeared, deleted her profile, and Anna never heard of her again.

Yes, it was an unpleasant story.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna! Come on in! How are you doing? I guess you have especially sad eyes today!

— Yes, it’s true... I feel really sad...

— Tell me what worries you!

— It’s all because of my parents. And their permanent scandals. They want me to meet with this German, my fiancé. But I don’t like him at all, he is disgusting. But my parents adore him. I guess it’s because they constantly borrowed money from him. I didn’t even know about this before. They talk about it every day — What happened, Anna? What’s the reason for such an aggravation? It seems that they calmed down a bit...

— It’s all because I met one man and spend all my free time with him. I really like him — Why are your parents against it? Why do they react like that?

— Because this man is married... Probably, it’s the reason... But I have a suspicion that it’s not only because of this but because this German just bought them... They behave very strangely, especially my mom. She constantly tells me, “I feel that it’s something wrong with your man. He’s surely working for the Egyptians or the Russians, and therefore he hit on you on purpose.” Then her paranoia worsens, and she says, “He wants to poison you, he wants to abduct you, and he wants to take you out of the country.”

They tell me this and shout at me every day.

The other day, I supposed to have lunch with this man. He always goes by car with his driver. That evening he was waiting for me in the car standing near my place. I went out and cried. He asked, “What happened?” I said, “Nothing’s wrong.” Actually, I sobbed in the car for another ten minutes.

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Then I almost calmed down on our way. When we got out of the car, he asked again, «What happened?» I replied, «I quarreled with my parents.»

«What’s the matter? Any problems?»

I said, «Dunno... They scold me for that I am with you constantly.»

Probably, it was unpleasant for him to hear this, but he made no sign and said: «OK, let’s call them, I’ll talk to your mother.»

And he really called my mom.

Then Anna was silent as if taking a breath. She thought about something and looked out the window. The psychologist was silent too. After a couple of minutes, Anna continued.

— I didn’t hear what exactly was there. I just heard screams from the phone; she started shouting at him. It was awful... And he just said, «Okay, all right, okay, alright, good-bye.» And that’s all. And he didn’t even tell me about what she shouted. But I already have some clues... In short, our farewell dinner was held in a tense atmosphere...

— Farewell?

— Yes. Then he went to his family for two weeks. We chatted, and everything seemed to be fine. And yesterday I received this. « Anna turned on the phone screen and looked for something there.» All of a sudden, his wife sent him a bunch of my photos, where he and I are together, photos of me in his apartment, photos from my Instagram, and all that. And he wrote to me yesterday, «Give me some time, I’ll get it together with my family, I will write to you later.»

And my parents immediately began to brainwash me. «The Russians withdrew him. The Egyptians withdrew him because we had a conversation with someone. He wanted to abduct you.» They began to say some crap. And I wrote him a message today, «You are just terrible! I don’t want to hear from you anymore» and blocked him.

And now I feel very bad, I’m just on the verge of a meltdown.

My parents constantly tell me something bad, some nasty things. «You must be with this German because he cares about you.» I hate him! I liked this Lebanese so much! Why did I bend to pressure from my parents? This thought started to haunt me: what if they are right?

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

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— Hello, doctor! I have good news!

— Really? That’s great! I am glad. Tell me more.

— I got a good friend. As you said, doctor. Remember, you said that I need a friend with whom I could discuss everything that interests me. I just could not understand why I need some close friend, I already have a huge number of pals, but now I understand what you meant.

I met this girl when I was in Ibiza. Her name is Mara. We became friends right away, and now we talk constantly. At least I began to feel more or less good. Before that, I had one hell of depression. I didn’t want to live at all. I constantly got drunk, like a swine, probably... I deliberately made myself worse, consciously. I thought, if I feel really bad, let it be even worse for me. Because it seemed it was not enough. It’s good that you helped me, our sessions were the right thing for me.

—Why did you torture yourself like that?

— You see, this man that I told you about tried to contact me - once a month or once a month and a half. I told him every time that I didn’t want to hear from him and all that.

And then I discussed it with Mara, she has a clearer look at this situation. “All that your parents are telling you is nonsense because they are saying this to everyone. It appears that they constantly borrow money from someone. They surely had problems with the police in Russia. They are swindlers. «That’s what she says.»

— Do you agree with your friend, Anna?

— You see, she voices my inner doubts. After all, I didn’t tell her anything about my parents, she got to this by herself. She believes that my parents simply don’t want me to keep company with anyone.

— Is that really so?

— It seems like that... After all, every time I had friends, for example, at school, then in Egypt, every time I got friends at school, my parents told me, «They work for the FSB, they spy on you» and all such nonsense.

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ACQUAINTANCE IN THE CLUB In the evening, Anna met with Mara. Girls walked along the streets, laughed, went to boutiques and cafes. They are so eye-catching: the cute brunette Mara, bright as fire, and the gentle, heart-stirring Anna - like a breeze from the sea.

— You know, last week I met one dude!” Anna laughed, sipping a cocktail.

— Oh, tell me about it! With all the details! – Mara’s eyes flashed with interest.

— Yes, I can tell you everything. Probably you’re the only one.

— And what about the psychologist? You said you discuss everything you want!

— Yes, everything I want! But sometimes I don’t want to discuss some things with him, he’s so wonky! Sometimes I think that he digests all the information for a long time and judiciously like a boa digests a rabbit! He doesn’t have such a reaction as you! So, I was at a nightclub recently - you left somewhere at that time - and some guy hit on me. We acquainted and had a chat, but then I left without saying anything to him. He started writing to me, and I told him, «You are somehow impolite, leave me alone.» In short, I tried to brush him off. I just forgot about him. So, a couple of weeks ago I went to Courchevel, to the defile, and this guy was there. It turned out that he was some kind of prince, and not a little prince, but a big prince, important enough, can you believe? He began chasing me: where I am, there he is. And it was so constantly. We met several times. He constantly tried to show off, to brag about something, and I told him, « I’m not into this stuff».

And that sort of thing. One day our company of friends was at the Palazzo Hotel. This is the best hotel in Paris. I was aced on tequila, and I tried it 86

for the first time in my life. The effect was amazing! I still remember it, but partially!

Apparently, I told him everything that I thought about him. Then the girls said that I started throwing dishes at him, trying to hit him, the guards covered him, but I rushed at them too. I didn’t mind the guards! Then they took me out of there, out of this bar, I could not go on my own. Now this guy likes all my photos, all the stories. Here, look, his likes are on my status again! I don’t know how to react to this!”

Anna showed Mara the phone screen.

— Then I remember, or rather, I don’t remember, but judging by the video on my phone, I ran along Champs-Elysees without shoes.” By the way, it was in January! I tried messing with police officers, and my friend could not push me into the car. I guess I felt free, like when I was a child. You know, when I was a child I often ran barefoot along the streets of the town where I lived... In short, I don’t even know what to say! Either I went off too much that evening, or I was very tired.

— One thing is clear to me! You were on a roll! It’s good that they didn’t take you to the cage! You know, we already had that once! And it is surely not good for my career! But you know, such stories happen less often. Maybe once in a couple of months...

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— What are you thinking about, Anna?

— Now I’m thinking about that acquaintance in the bar... The guy who turned out to be a prince wrote to me later. “It was nice to meet you, but I realized that this is not what I need, and I don’t want to chat with you anymore. I hope you’ll find someone who fits you.

— And how did you feel?

— Frankly speaking, it was unpleasant. It kinda stung me. But, I thought, «Okay, let it be, what shall I do with him?”» And I deleted his number.

Then, after a couple of months... It is understood that we constantly crossed paths in restaurants, in bars, in nightclubs... A few weeks after I received his letter, he began to check my Instagram again. And we began to talk to him, and now we have been chatting for the past few weeks.

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A month ago, we were in a nightclub. I came with the promoters. You know, going to clubs with promoters is not entertainment - it is work. You should be careful and not relax, and in general, it is a quite tense moment you cannot drink alcohol and should behave properly.

Now, I recall that some guy spoke to me; he turned out to be some politician from Mexico. And suddenly I saw that this prince was sitting at the next table! There you are! He also noticed me, looked at this Mexican for a while and sent his guard, who stepped between this Mexican and me!

He stopped and began to push me aside, away from him. It was a very funny situation! It made me laugh! Then he unexpectedly seized me by the arm and dragged me to his after-party, without saying anything. Just imagine, I forgot my earrings at his place about a month ago. I asked him to return them, but he never did it.

— But how did it happen that you forgot your earrings?

— I just took them off. They disturbed me – very long!

What do you think, doctor, what is it? One day «I don’t need you», another day such things. Is this courtship or what? Well, in general, it’s a very strange story. I don’t understand how to react to him! Now he watches all my stories and likes all my photos.

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FUN AT TH E RESORTS Anna experienced all sorts of adventures in Ibiza, St. Tropez, Monaco, and on the Cote d’Azur. The atmosphere of relaxation, fun, carefree and holiday provoked people to arrange different meetings: parties, dances, festivals, events where they could meet and have a talk without any formalism.

For example, once such a story happened to Anna. One man wrote messages to her over the year, inviting her to all sorts of events, but they could not meet in Paris. For some reason, Anna was not eager to communicate with him; he seemed charmless. But he didn’t get discouraged: she constantly saw his photos with different beauties in social networks. Then Anna had a shooting scheduled in St. Tropez.

One her friend, a Russian from Monaco, had a birthday at that time.

Besides, she had just broken up with her boyfriend and had no one to celebrate with. But the girls wanted a holiday! And they got the idea to spend this evening with someone, to find someone they knew. Anna remembered her admirer. «There is one man, he had been writing to me for a whole year, and I brush him off all the time.» «Let’s go hang out with him!» Anna agreed. «Okay.» Just the day before he wrote to Anna as if he knew: «If you are in St. Tropez, let’s go to L’Opera and have fun!» She replied, «OK, I will introduce you to my friend.» He said, «That’s great!

Don’t worry, I’ll rent a room for you, you will be alone.»

This man is very good and pays much respect to girls. But for some reason, Anna still did not really like him. Probably he was too good!

In general, they agreed on that. The girls arrived early in the afternoon, and they immediately began to celebrate on the beach and drank champagne from lunch. In the evening, they came to their place and ordered more champagne. In short, they were already quite tipsy by 91

the evening - one might say, almost in oblivion.This man and his friend arrived in the evening. Anna was not very friendly; she cursed and showed obscene gestures. Of course, she didn’t remember anything. Her friend told her about it later. And it lasted all night; Anna just couldn’t calm down, even in L’Opera.

Despite the bust with alcohol, the c ompany still decided to go there.

L’Opera is one of the most luxurious places in Europe, a restaurant with live music and shows, located in the port of St. Tropez. Tatyana said that Anna bit him and his friend, and she even showed photos. They were quite spectacular: everyone laughed, waved their hands, fought Anna off! And the famous Russian designer, Yanina, sat with her friends at the next table.

Anna’s friend said, “It was a nightmare, a complete disgrace! How you behaved! The whole restaurant was staring at us! But he seems to have liked it.” Judging by how events developed, he really liked everything. When Anna shrugged off, she suddenly found herself sitting on this man’s lap, and they were kissing. It turns out that the whole company has already moved from a restaurant to a hotel. They were sitting in the room, someone was smoking a hookah, and Anna was eating pizza with truffles. Then she was completely sober - delicious pizza helped.

“God, Anna, what are you doing? Why are you kissing him? You don’t like him at all!” She got up, embarrassedly straightened out her clothes and, referring to hunger, fluttered to pizza. In general, she and Tatyana went to their room then; it was already about four in the morning. Feeling exhausted, Anna fell on the bed and zonked out in a tick. There were just a lot of things that day. And she woke up to a loud sound - the door slammed hard. She woke up and found herself in the lobby of the hotel, in her panties. She did not understand how she ended up there, how she left the room. The door to the room slammed shut.

She didn’t suffer from the attacks of somnambulism for a long time since she had lived with her grandparents. When Anna was at the age of ten to twelve, she could walk around the apartment, say something and not remember it later.

At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Yes, this is a very important part of your growing-up. After all, you 92

had these attacks before your puberty. This is serious. For some reason, you haven’t told me about this before.

— I just forgot about it! Until this happened. Can you imagine, doctor, what it’s like to find yourself in the hotel lobby in your underpants? I tried to knock on the door. But Tanya was sleeping like a dead! She did not hear anything; she sleeps with earplugs and a mask. Moreover, she took sleeping pills so that she wouldn’t wake up for sure! I even envy her a little! I can’t sleep so soundly!

— I think that this relapse happened due to the effects of alcohol and the nervousness - because you felt out of place. Anyway, Anna, you need to take care of yourself and not drink so much. This may lead to dismays.

— I’m getting that... But, doctor, what do you think happened next?

What was I to do? Waking her was impossible. And I urgently needed to use the bathroom, and I think I got out of bed because of it - I tried to find a bathroom. I thought, “Oh, there is a bathroom near the pool.” I went to the pool and saw people sitting on the terrace. I thought, “Damn it! It’s six in the morning!” I returned to the lobby: what should I do? Go to this man, knock on his door at six in the morning, in my underpants, and ask him to call at the reception? Or to go to the reception myself - at six in the morning in the underpants? It was like a vicious circle! “Well, okay, I’d better go to him. Maybe it will be less extreme.

In short, I returned to our floor, and it turned out that I didn’t remember where his room was. Should I knock on the first door? It would be an interesting situation: an almost naked girl is knocking on someone’s door so early. I was so stressed that I even started to giggle quietly. I thought, “Well then, what is left for me to do? I’ll go to the reception!

— I think that was the right decision !

— Yes, but I felt uneasy... We were staying at the most expensive hotel in St. Tropez, called BYBLOS.” All the celebrities and all the billionaires stay there. In short, I was walking around this hotel, naked, and it took another four minutes from the room to the reception because the corridor is long. I came to the reception, and almost fell there!

One of them quickly ran up to me. “Oh boy! Can I help you? Let me open the door for you!” While we were walking along the corridor back to the room, while he was opening the door, he, poor boy, blushed as red a beetroot. He simply didn’t know what to do, where to look! I think they’ve never seen anything like that there.”

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“But he will have something to remember!�

Anna laughed, her eyes sparkling with memories of that incident.

BIRTH DAY When Anna was forced to part with that Lebanese, she fell into a real depression: she constantly felt distressed, her eyes went teary, and nothing amused her. And that time she met a girl. They immediately became friends and began to hang out everywhere together. Maybe their energies somehow coincided...

The girls went on vacation together: first in St. Tropez, then in Monaco, then to Ibiza. They always attracted men: Anna looks very elegant, but always naive and a little childish, and her friend, on the contrary, is always super-sexy, very self-confident, and so bright, just like a vamp.

Last summer, they spent a whole month on Ibiza. They went to clubs and discos, and, of course, got acquainted with the most famous world DJs. They came to the club, and the musicians called them to their dressing rooms. Martin Solveger, David Guetta, Kygo, Marco Carola, Guy Kerber. All in all, all superstars! It was cool to meet such celebrities; they even devoted their compositions to the girls. They even announced, “I devote this composition to beautiful Anna, who is sitting right next to me now! Or, “This groovy thing is devoted to amazing Mara, she is beside us now!” The girls even came up with a playful hobby: collecting tracks.

It happened that David Guetta invited them to his concert on Anna’s birthday. The girls sat at his table, and then they went with his company to another club. Anna chatted with him all evening; they took pictures and laughed. They made a video together.

When Anna was fourteen, she was his huge fan of him: she 95

constantly listened to his tracks on repeat. And if fourteen-year-old Anna had been told that she would celebrate her birthday with David Guetta, she would never have believed it! And if it really happened, she probably would have died of happiness. But this year, Anna was not very happy about this, but rather vice versa, completely unhappy, because nothing brought her joy.

A few days before her birthday, Anna had been hanging around with her friends in various clubs from six in the evening until eight in the morning, as always. At eight, Anna left some after-party and went to church service. She simply could not hang out anymore, could not see all these faces. The church was so quiet! Such a special smell! Candles sparkled near the icons in the dark! It was a quiet and very peaceful place, just some other world! Anna sat on the bench and burst into tears. The heavy stress of recent weeks began to come out through her tears. She just sobbed violently and did not know why. About a week after that, Anna returned to Paris, and everything went back on track: the depression and bad mood began to leave her gradually.

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CONCLUSION At the psychologist’s Thursday, 4 p.m.

— Good afternoon, Anna! Glad to see you!

We talked so much about your past. In fact, the past is what gives our present shape, and the present, in turn, shapes our future. There are so many interesting moments and difficult situations in your past, as well as such circumstances that can be called crossroads. Crossroad is such a point of fate, in which a person’s life begins to flow in a new direction. So, I think it is time to discuss your future with you.

I want to tell you about one exercise. I’ll give you a sheet of paper, colored pencils, and an assignment. Please draw three circles that will reflect your ideas about time. That is, what you think about your past, present, and future. You can use any colors, any ideas that cross your mind.

The only condition is three circles. Do not think for a long time; draw what you feel and what crosses your mind right away. And then we will analyze your ideas.

Anna read the instructions. «Draw three circles on paper, which will display your ideas about time. Three circles are the past, present, and future. You can use any colors and different sizes. Arrange these circles so that they express your sense of the interconnectedness of your past, present, and future.»

Anna liked this assignment.

Fifteen minutes later, she held out a sheet with a drawing to the psychologist.

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— Well, — He said after a brief study. — Here we see your great focus on the future. The circle that accounts for the future is the brightest in your image, most saturated with emotions. The present is rather vague, as we see. Here you made fuzzy lines and some blurry shadows. This means that you see the present as a kind of crossroads at which a turn of fate can take place - a turn into this bright and eventful future. And the past is the smallest circle, inside of which you simply drew a little and lonely girl.

That is, you perceive the past where you are alone, and you need to pass it quickly. Well then, we can conclude that all your attention is directed to the future, which seems bright and full of happy events to you. This is very good and very optimistic! In practice, we are doing exactly what we are unconsciously prepared for! In the future, you will surely earn success and achieve many things! I sincerely wish you a great future, Anna!”

CONTENTS MEET THE HEROINE

5

PRESS CONFERENCE

11

ANNA’S IN THE CITY

17

THE PARTY

25

THE DREAM

34

CHILDHOOD

41

THE CALL

47

AT THE SORCERERS’

51

PRAGUE

57

THE BREAKUP

60

MARRIAGE

64

ANOTHER STORY

69

THE TYRANT

73

DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND THEIR DIFFERENT INTERESTS

76

AT WORK

80

SOME NUANCES OF MODELING BUSINESS

82

ACQUAINTANCE IN THE CLUB

86

FUN AT THE RESORTS

91

BIRTHDAY

95

CONCLUSION

99