Arthur Q. Goldstein, radio writer Anthony P. Gulston Trent Radio 2014 #rad theme song,reporter beeping *office ambiance, busy, real busy ArthurQGoldstein[AG]: Hand me those papers! check the vital ETA on those SOB's ASAP, please! Where's my coffee?!? I need foamed milk! Who's idea of a newsroom is this!?! Why am I shouting?! rant continues... Narrator[n]: This is Arthur Q. Goldstein, his life is actually nothing like this. It's more like this. *silence save for typing sounds in a small space AG:
*sip, sip. Ooo, cardamom. *sip, sip
#theme song starts back up again n:
listen keenly to the rowdy righteous ramblings of this radio writer...
#theme ends
The Otter Water Fodder I #Goin' to the ZOO zoo zoo *children screaming, splashing AG:
(seemingly to himself) *sigh, How did I ever get stuck covering the opening of the otter exhibit at the zoo? Lousy editors...
*more screaming RuddyKemp[RK]: Nevermind that, the incredible part is how you convinced me to come along with you. AG:
One compound word: zip-line...
*whizzzzzzzz [balloon with marble in it], RK screams RK:
Ah yeah, do ya blame me?
AG:
Nope
*whizzzzzzzzz, AG screams AG:
So what do you figure the scoop is here? I know I can make this interesting. Like, do you think the zoo keeper is embezzling gold bars under the new otter tank? Or is that publicist lady sleeping with the miniature train operator? Maybe the otters are actually trained feifs and are robbing the children right now. OR.....
RK:
Arty, none of that is happening.
AG:
We'll see about that. Oh hey! Kendra! Over hear!
KendraWeber[KW]: Oh you must be Arthur, from the student newspaper. AG:
Indeed.
KW:
And who is this?
RK:
O hai, I'm Rudyard, Ruddy the Rude, Rudy the Rudd, Yardy, yard boy, yard bird, Rudeyard....
AG:
He's a friend of mine, I just ran into him here but he is off to see the squirrel monkeys...
KW:
Well, it was nice to meet you Ruddy... wait Rudyard Kemp, the radio host.
RK:
*baritone deep, Why yes...
AG:
*long sigh
KW:
I recognized your voice from the radio, my bird Sweety listens to the radio all the time and is starting to sound just like you...hahahaha
RK:
hahahahaha
AG:
*another long sigh, Anyway, we should probably get down to some business, eh, Kendra?
KW:
Good seeing you, Ruddy.
RK:
Maybe I'll see you around later...
AG:
*AHEM [clears throat]
*shuffled footsteps AG:
so...
*page flips, frantic scribbling AG:
How do you spell your name again? And what is your title here at the zoo?
*lots of uh-huhs and yeahs KW:
My name is spelled k e n d r a Weber w e b e r and I am on the publicity coordinator on the zoo board.
AG:
Could we go somewhere else, these kids are driving me nuts...
*increase kid volume
II *cafe ambiance AG:
*sip, much better
*frantic scribbling and uh-huhs AG:
When did you join the zoo board?
KW:
2004, why?
AG:
Just some background... what is your day-job?
KW:
I'm a foot reflexologist, is this really necessary?
AG:
Of course it is... Why did you get into feet?
KW:
Can we just talk about the otters?
AG:
fine *page crumpling* Why otters?
KW:
What?
AG:
Why otters? Of all the animals in the world that you can keep here in captivity, why otters? Why not komodo dragons, or tortoises or a tiger or something...
KW:
Well, we wanted something that was aquatic because it is the only aquatic feature at the zoo.
AG:
What about the duck pond, or the fountain, or the aquatic human child display?
KW:
You mean the splashpad? We wanted something more substantial. As you may notice, the state of the art otter facility has a tunnel going right under the aquatic portion of the exhibit. The land portion is also accessible on all sides and was designed by number one sustainable builder in all Poland, Antek Gula.
AG:
What'd all this junk set you zoo dudes back?
KW:
Pardon.
AG:
Moolah, how much you got and how much did you lay down for this here concrete lake.
KW:
The Otter Project has been going on for a year now it started with contacting the Mr. Gula and asking him to design the habitat. He has mostly designed hempcrete prisons in the past, so naturally the
otter exhibit takes the shape of a panopticon. We're proud to say that the otters are rather well behaved... AG:
*very suspicious, Tell me about "The Otter Project"?
KW:
It's just what the board called the initiative...
AG:
Oh really, *pages flapping* and it has nothing to do with Antek Gula's connection to the Catholic Church of Poland's stash of Pope John Paul's gold bars?!?
KW:
*stunned stuttered rambling implying great confusion
AG:
So I assume you have no comment. *pages flapping*
KW:
Not really, I just have no idea what you're talking about, the zoo board only looked at Mr Gula's building portfolio, not his banking information. Where did you get that anyway?
AG:
Oh I think you know...
RK:
Hi there you two...
AG:
[to RK in a sly voice] not now, I'm onto something...
RK:
[to AG, matter-of-factly] No you're not... So, I was thinking Ms Weber, could we do an interview for the radio? Since I'm here I may as well be working...
KW:
Certainly, as long as Arthur has what he needs.
AG:
Oh I have more than enough, your silence said it all...
RK:
Oooooookaaaaaaay. Let's go to the exhibit, it's livelier there.
III *screaming kids, echoes RK:
[radio voice] This is Rudyard Kemp on the scene with Member of the Zoo Board, Kendra Weber. Kendra, tell us the impetus behind The Otter Project.
KW:
Well Ruddy, after a long consultation process with community members, the board thought it would be nice to have a more aquatic presence to the zoo and North American River Otters can handle the winters here, so unfortunately we couldn't afford to heat a shark tank like lots of community members suggested.
RK:
[fake laughs, radio voice] So what are the little slick weasel's names?
KW:
The two females are Silky and Golinda and we had a contest to name the male, since we acquired him before his birth. His name is Smarties.
RK:
[radio voice] Well that is amazing, How long did it take to build their home here?
KW:
It was in construction for about a year and the designer of this beautiful, ecologically sustainable, hempcrete pond, Antek Gulas, was here from Poland to oversee the construction.
RK:
[radio voice] That is so wonderful, What sort of events have you planned for the grand opening here?
KW:
We have Otter Lager for the adults thanks to our local microbrewery, we have otter tails (which are really just corn dogs), there will be a clown performing later on, a speech by the zoo keeper, and the mayor will be here as well.
RK:
[radio voice] That's just great, Kendra. Be sure to come down to the zoo and check out our new otter friends Silky, Golinda and Smarties... [regular voice] Wow, thanks for that Kendra.
KW:
My pleasure. Say, when will this be airing?
RK:
Well, I'll take it to the audio nerds back at the station and they'll have it broadcasting by supper I'm sure.
KW:
Maybe you could come over and we could listen to it together, I have an old restored Philco radio from the 20s.
RK:
Woah, I, um, I, ah, sure.
*footsteps, echoes AG:
So how'd YOUR interview go with Ms SayNothingofImportance over there.
RK:
It was, I, ah, um...
AG:
I don't really care anyway, I got the lowdown from the zookeeper while you were chatting with tight lips over there in this noise factory. Apparently, the designer has been known to build vaults, prisons, and other shady buildings. I'm certain there are gold bars under the tank.
RK:
You literally just made that up as we got here...
AG:
No no no, I had previously theorized the story, but the evidence seems to be lining up.
RK:
Not this again, Arthur. Do you remember the time you tried to pull off the mayor's face?
AG:
He was made of wax! What was I supposed to do?
RK:
And the time you accused the university president of stealing school canoes?
AG:
Well, where did they disappear to?
RK:
The rowing club had them! My point is, maybe there is only one story here, otters.
*splash, scream*
III.i #cheesy muzak *splashes n:
At the otter exhibit but you really want to party? Kids are screaming constantly and you don't know what to do?
*can sound #party music n:
why not enjoy The Local Brew's newest treat, Otter Lager. Made with real river water, Otter Lager turns any occasion into an aquatic rat themed party.
#party music fades
IV *splashes* KW:
Ruddy, a kid fell into the pond, save them!
RK:
Ah....
*splash, bubbles RK:
Arthur's got it... Oh my! He got the kid out but where is he going now?
*splashes, bubbles, kid screaming/breathing RK:
Are those... GOLD BARS IN HIS HANDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
*clinks AG:
*breathing heavily, Told ya.
V *police sirens exiting RK:
I can't believe the gold bar thing was the real story...
AG:
Yup, you should have done your research...
RK:
How did you ever know that Kendra was in on the Polish designer's gold bar heist?
AG:
I didn't really, I mostly just like to swim.
RK:
Yeah, I heard the mayor would have honoured you with the key to the city if his face didn't hurt still. Wanna grab some Otter Lager? Or I guess you got some writing to do, huh?
AG:
Nah, my notebook got soaked when I jumped in that stinking otter smellin' pool of tepid bacterial algae. There's only one way to dry off though...
*whizzzzzz, both scream AG:
I guess this scoop goes to the TV news.
RK:
The TV news?
Both:
Noooooooooooooo!
#theme song