Moms Magazine 58 | Friends: Making Them, Keeping Them, and When to Let Go

Volume 15 / Issue 58 / 2018

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EDITORIAL

To Start a Relationship with Jesus Christ Admit you have sinned.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”Romans 3:23 Believe that Jesus is the only Savior. “I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” John 14:6 Confess and leave your sin behind. Stop doing and thinking things that displease our Heavenly Father. “If we confess our sins ….” I John 1:9 Invite Jesus to be your Savior and the Lord of your life. “Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12) To continue growing in your relationship with Christ, have fellowship with other believers, read the Bible and pray.

Top L-R: Johnson & Patrick | Bottom L-R: Kim & Evelyn

MOMS EDITORIAL STAFF Editor, MOMS Evelyn Damian Distribution Johnson Li Cover & Layout Patrick Tan Editorial Consultant Kimberly Snider

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MOMS MAGAZINE

LAST ISSUE

From My Heart

Dear Readers,

Sitting here in the office, where most of my friends are, it’s hard to imagine what my life would be without them. For years, they have been a part of me. We have shared stories – our happiness, our hurts, even crazy ideas.

They help keep me in good spirits when I feel low. They pray for me when I have problems. They help me complete a task when I’m under time-pressure, and I do the same for them.

True friends are hard to find. Some can give you joy as well as heartaches. The Bible has wise reminders on how we choose our company. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, “Don’t befriend angry people, or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.”

Still, my favorite verse is Proverbs 13:20, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.”

Table of Contents EDITORIAL

Fron My Heart 3 CHIKA-CHIKA

Pakikisama! 4 WISE CHOICES

When Friends Are Not Forever 6 MAKE A DIFFERENCE

And lastly, I Corinthians 15:33 warns us, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

Being Married, Being Friends 8

In this quarter’s issue, our theme is friendship. I believe God designed us to have friends, especially friends who encourage and pray with and for each other.

FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING

God bless you.

Evelyn

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Our Relationships Can Affect Our Health 12 ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS

I easily get offended by what my friends say 14 3

CHIKA-CHIKA

Pakikisama!

What It Means to Be a Friend in the Philippines

by Joshua Kho

S

ocial acceptance is highly valued in our society. We are branded “KJ,”or“kill joy,” if we decline being a part of a peer group activity. For example, if everyone except you wants to see a movie, but you have responsibilities at home, you have to choose whether or not to neglect your responsibility. It is a hard decision because we Filipinos really care about what others think of us. We even have a name for this dilemma; Pakikisama.

Pakikisama In their book, Society and Culture, Isabel S. Panopio and Realidad Santico Rolda write: Pakikisama is the folk concept of good human relations and implies giving in or yielding to the wish of the majority even if it contradicts one’s own ideas. It is going along with others even if one is not interested in their suggestion or plan.

(2000, p. 76).

Pakikisama is not always bad.

Sometimes peer groups can influence us to do good things. Here is an example: the majority of our friends want to attend a livelihood seminar but a few of us want to play video games. The larger group insists,

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and we don’t want to be the killjoy, so we go with them to the seminar. Pakikisama, in this case, benefited us. Pakikisama can be beneficial if we have surrounded ourselves with good and moral friends.

On the other hand, many families have fallen apart because of pakikisama. I knew a father who always came home drunk, and was violent with his wife and children. This father sold their property and livestock just to buy booze for his barkada so that they would think highly of him. In this case pakikisama was destructive.

Are you going to die if you don’t go with them?

What can we do if we find ourselves surrounded by friends who want to do something immoral? Can we stand our ground? If we cannot, poor self-image might be the reason we yield and givein easily.

In the book, The Friendship Factor it says: “When someone is uncertain of himself, always needing approval and support of others and being unduly depressed by their criticism...his center of gravity is not in himself, but outside in

other people.”(Alan Loy McGinnis, 2005, p. 153) I remember what my father used to say when my barkada would ask me to go out with them and I still had responsibilities at home. He would ask, “Son, are you going to die if you don’t go with them?”

When I ask myself that question, I put the activity in its right place. I think about whether it truly is worthy of my time. If it’s not, then I don’t need to go. I might disappoint my friends,but there are more pressing things I need to do. When we know that what our friends want to do is wrong, and we are bound to be labelled as the killjoy, we just have to live with that.

How far should we go to keep people as friends?

How far should be go to save relationships that aren’t going well? American newpaper columnist Walter Winchell said, “A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.” This means we need to try to save the friendship. We need to be patient with people and not let go easily. Some of them are acting this way because something happened to them that they don’t know how to handle. However, others

know that what they are doing is bad and yet they still keep on doing it. With these people, we need to cut our ties.

We need to set boundaries on our friendships to protect ourselves.

• Define what we can offer as a friend.

We cannot go all-out. We have our own families, and our own work that we cannot neglect. 1 Timothy 5:8 says, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” We cannot go bankrupt helping a friend because we must also provide for our family. Rank every relationship.

• Realize our first priority is to Jesus and His ways. When we prioritize Jesus, all other relationships benefit.

Philippians 4:8 reads, “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” When our friends divert us from such things, we need to put the friendship on hold.

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WISE CHOICES

When Friends Are Not Forever

Quitting a Toxic Friendship

by Katherine Banzon

P

eople form relationships in the hopes that they will be mutually beneficial to both parties, each side giving and receiving in turn. However, some friends turn out to be emotional vampires, ever receiving, but never giving. You end up feeling drained and empty. Even worse, your self-esteem can take a serious hit, making you wonder whether you deserve the same love and treatment that you give these friends or not. These are toxic friendships—relationships that are filled with negativity and stress. If science has proven that good friends extend a person’s lifespan, it has also proven the opposite: constantly dealing with toxic friends make you susceptible to a lowered immune system, higher blood pressure and blood sugar levels, irritable bowel syndrome, and even depression and anxiety.

John 15:13 says, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (NLT) Since a friendship is a mutual relationship of giving and receiving that enriches both parties’ lives, one could argue that a toxic, one-way friendship is really no friendship at all. In that case, it might be best for your own wellbeing to avoid remaining in the relationship.

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If you find yourself in this situation and decide that ending the friendship is the best thing for you, here are a few tips to help you go through a buddy break-up: 1. Assess the dynamics of your friendship. Does your friend always put you down?

Do they make you feel that you two are in constant competition? Do they try to make you live up to their other friends? Do they laugh at you instead of with you?

Do they criticize you with a “holier-than-thou attitude”? Is your friend always in control of your friendship? Do they constantly nag you to change even the things that you feel are good about yourself ? Are you forced to be overly careful with what you say and do when with your friend in fear of making them angry?

These are all signs of a toxic friendship. The thing is, your friend may be a good, sometimes even a great friend to other people. However, that does not negate the fact that the way he or she deals with YOU is toxic.

2. Face reality. Saying goodbye is never easy. When you come to the decision to end a friendship, the events that follow are probably not going to be all smooth sailing.

Your decision may entail confusion and hurt feelings at the start, so it is crucial to steel yourself before dealing with all of this.

3. ‘Fess up or Flight? So how do you actually end the friendship? Some people choose to simply reduce or permanently end communication and contact with the other party. However, there are serious consequences to face if you choose this route. The person may be very hurt by you ‘ghosting’ them just like that. They may tell your other friends about the situation in order to find out why you did what you did. They may deal with their frustration with you by talking about it to other people. Word may spread further than you would like. It is important to consider these scenarios.

I think it is always best to talk face-to-face with your friend. Prepare what to say.

Both of you have probably invested significant time, effort, and emotion in the friendship, so it is essential to use clear, rational, and considerate words when explaining your decision to your friend. By communicating clearly, but considerately, you will avoid much hurt and ill will between the two of you. It is important that you part on good terms and stating your reasons will give them the chance to make amends and correct the wrong things in your relationship. A good parting of ways leaves the door open for reconciliation in the future when issues have been dealt with and corrected.

4. Recoup and regroup. Give yourself time and space to grieve over the friendship.

Being the one to initiate ending the friendship does not deprive you of the right to feel its loss. Documenting your journey through a personal blog or journal will be a useful way for you to avoid the same patterns of behavior in the future.

Once you feel better, put in the effort to meet new people and form new friendships.

This time around, they just might be ones that will last all your life!

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MAKE A DIFFERENCE

As told to Evelyn Damian

Wendy Rondina-Engcoy is the general manager of an IT company that develops engagement tool and social collaborative intranet for different companies. She is pretty, witty and married to GJ Engcoy who is 11 years her junior. She thinks their friendship continues to strengthen their marriage as the years go by.

How did you and GJ meet? Did you know he was the “one” when you met?

“A

t the age of 30, I came to Manila to work and then, of course, I started going to church. Nauna ako kay Jay dun sa church. When Jay finished his degree in Baguio City, he came to Manila and went to the same church. I was 33. We worked together in the worship team. We became friends. I sang and he played the keyboard. That’s how we established our friendship. We were both very driven, perfectionist in nature, parehas panganay, and had strong personalities. So, nagka-clash kami sa taste namin. ‘Yung tunay na color namin lumalabas noong friends pa lang kami.

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Wendy and Jay

“Three years later, Jay started to pray for me to be his wife, pero ‘di ko halata.

Hindi rin siya ‘yung tipong OA sa concern ko.

He could still be mean to me. He would say, “Ano ba naman ‘yung attitude mo talaga, masyado kang maangas. Masyado kang maarte.

Masyado kang mapili sa pagkain.” Sabi ko, “E ganito ‘ko e. Bahala ka diyan.” Ganun, wala naman akong kiyeme. Mag-aaway kami...mga tatlong araw hindi kami mag-uusap, tampuhan.

That early, lumabas na ang tunay na ugali namin, na ‘pag gutom pala si Jay, magdadabog, magwo-walk out, dun ko nakita ‘yun. I know

MOMS MAGAZINE

na when to talk to him or not. Kita niya rin ugali ko. I remember one time he corrected me sa driving ko, sabi niya, “Masyado kang kaskasera.” Sabi ko, “‘Di kung ayaw mo ‘yung driving ko, eh bumaba ka…” So, Jay knew my worst—confidence na hindi nalagay sa tama. But na-notice ko ang dinevelop ni Lord at that time was how to blend our personality. Our common denominator was, we honored the Lord in every way.

“He prayed for me for two years kasi dito siya nag-determine if it was me and those 2 years, may mga nangyari ding affirmation sa akin that it was him. My prayer to the Lord was, “If you give me a partner, give me a partner that will draw me closer to you.”

Eventually, you got married. What adjustments did you have to make?

“Before, I was so spoiled and into entitlement. When he’d say, “Wendy, it’s not good for you to eat chocolate kasi asthmatic ka.” I’d say, “I know what I’m doing. I can afford to go to the hospital if I get sick.” Ganon pa ‘ko kaangas talaga until such time na I said, “Lord, I’m sorry.

I’m just so proud of myself.” Then I realized, since then, God melted me. ‘Di na

ako rough kay Jay. God’s grace lang talaga that I changed. When Jay says something, kahit na 11 years ang gap namin, part of me wants to submit. Bini-break ni Lord sa kin ‘yung pagiging maangas ko. Kapag nag-away kami, no foul words, of course, he would say, “You know what, you hurt me, I hurt you, but at the foot of the cross, let’s honor the Lord. Let’s pray.” Ganon siya and that’s how he gained my respect.

“If there was anything that we agree to do in our marriage, it is to have transparency. Transparency removes doubts in our relationship. Selosa kasi ako na tahimik lang. Sa office party nila Jay na hindi ako kasama, my husband would take the video when he’d get there and show it to me.

“Hey honey, we’re here now. So kahit nasa bahay lang ako, it was like I was there, too.

So pagdating ng time that I will be invited, either sa party or gimmick nila, then I get to meet them face to face. Example, I’d say, “Hi, Evelyn!” “Oh, you know me?”

“Yeah, Jay has videos, remember?” So Jay’s friends are aware that he is transparent and open to his wife. Voluntary ni Jay ginagawa ‘yun everywhere he goes.

Continued to next page

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MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Being Married, continued

“With me, I take pictures, post them on Facebook, tell Jay, “Honey, this is so and so.” When I have to meet a person, lalo na ‘pag opposite sex, I would drag him along but he’d just be sitting on one side.

“I believe in “what God has put together, let no man put asunder.” But sometimes our personality can cause us to fall apart. If you say, “Hindi ko maintindihan kung ba’t siya ganyan e.” To try to understand the person is a long process kasi may limitation ang pag-process ng brain eh. Accepting the person takes a little bit shorter. For example, nasanay ako na ‘pag nasa bahay organized. Si Jay pag nag-open ng cabinet, hindi na talaga niya i-close‘yan.

Tapos nauuntog ako. I’d say, “Hon, please don’t forget to close the cabinet.” “Sorry baby.” Close. Second time it happened, “Hon....” hanggang naging nagger na ‘ko.

Honey! Palagi na lang ba kong....” and then I realized, wow, my husband is really like that. Hindi talaga niya nature magsara ng cabinet agad. So, would I be willing to cause a fight for just a cabinet and ruin my entire day? In marriage kasi it’s not about the feeling of entitlement. It’s serving, it’s being selfless, huwag lang if you’re physically hurt.

Sometimes, making a decision can result in conflict in relationships.

How do you avoid this?

“My husband realized that with all my experiences, being a manager for 24 years na, I could think of a solution in one snap.

I’m paid to think and to resolve problems.

I’m paid to process, to really assess situations and to do risk management. So my brain is used to calculating easily. I’m now 10

44, so 24 years of thinking, half of my age I’ve been processing things. Si Jay, analytical and because analytical siya, matagal siyang maka-process ng solution, kung gagawin ko ‘to, e di ito ang result. So minsan it will result to analysis paralysis. So ang mangyayari, mabo-bored ako. So ‘nung first year ng marriage namin, we agreed to share our opinions on things. You have your suggestions, I have my suggestions, let’s talk about the solution. How do you want us to handle this? Ito ‘yung solution ko, honey. What do you think? And we agree. In terms of resources, ‘nung first year namin, I received higher salary.

Challenge ‘yun kasi I was on the executive level position of an organization at that time. May trabaho siya pero hindi pa siya sa leadership.”

How did you manage that?

“This was God’s wisdom to never let your husband feel inferior. Hindi forte ni Jay ang budgeting, so he asked me to do the allocation of our resources, but he would be the one withdrawing the money. So, he has the ATMs. We both have to agree on how we should use our money. I have a notebook or budget book to view our finances. We also talked about not comparing how much each other was earning, or how much ang bigay ko at bigay niya. Sa bisaya, “Walang kuwentahan, or walang bilangan.”

What is the benefit of maintaining friendship in your marriage?

“First and foremost is you can be able to express what you want, but of course, we make sure we are conscious how it would impact the recipient. We never make each other feel that we’re

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kung kani-kanino, kay Lord lang. ‘Pag hindi na talaga kaya, then we agree to call for help. Ay, don’t sumbong behind my back. ‘Yun ang pinag-usapan namin.

Last resort na ‘yung tatawag kami sa parents namin.

“And finally, we never let go of what we were doing when we were friends. We loved to sing, see a movie, have coffee time, so we still do those. Sometimes, we role play, mga ganong simple fun, play games. We make each other feel that we are an ally.”

How do you start and end a typical day?

Wendy and Jay

okay when we’re not. That’s our rule of thumb. You can be strong with your word but don’t break the spirit of the person. I learned na it’s better to express the impact ng ginawa niya sa ‘yo para maintindihan niya ang nararamdaman mo than complain.

Instead of saying,” Ang tagal mo, kanina pa ko nag-aantay dito,” say, “Hon, you know I was waiting too long and I feel so tired.”

Magso-sorry kaagad ‘yun. Siya ganun din.

Ang usapan namin ni Jay, ‘pag may may problema kami, we’ll talk about it. We won’t involve anyone or our parents in every issue we have. Kapag hindi ma-resolved?

Tahimik muna kami, and then try again.

We help each other mature. We will never learn until we really do it. Walang sumbungan

“We start our day with grateful heart, grateful to the Lord and grateful to each other. Then in the middle of the day, magpaparamdam talaga kami sa isa’t-isa, kahit a simple “hi” lang.

May mga times na tatawag si Jay na bad mood siya. I would listen to him and then, say a quick prayer for him.

“I learned to acknowledge that every perfect gift comes from the Lord. Even if it’s bad, God has a purpose why He allowed it to happen. At work, a bad situation may make us smart. I discipline my mind to thank God, to read the Bible every day. We have a family devotion, kaming mag-asawa. If I’m sick, Jay reads the Bible to me, then, he prays. Not every day is Christmas in a Christian life. Sometimes you feel ‘yung spiritual life mo is dry. But if you have an accountability partner, your husband or a friend, it’s a big help!

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FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING

Our Relationships Can Affect Our Health

by Lorna Carmela A. Protasio, M.D

T

he quality of our relationships can determine our physical health. It can influence the development and management of chronic diseases, determine whether or not we are depressed, and influence our overall wellbeing. Good relationships promote a person’s happiness so that it spills over to others. Good relationships give us more satisfaction in life and a desire to live longer. On the other hand, conflict in relationships can have a negative effect on our health.

Interestingly, studies show that women who experience conflicts in their relationships are more affected by them than men are. Here are some ways that poor relationships can hurt or help our health.

diseases and poorest marriages had the highest risk of dying over a 4 year period!

Mental health A committed relationship is good for mental health. A difficult and strained relationship has the opposite effect.

Negative behaviors, such as hostility and criticism, during conflict in relationships have been linked to negative impact on mental health.

Stress

Studies have shown that the marital stress affects a woman’s health as negatively as more traditional health risk factors, such as physical inactivity, smoking, drug addiction and unprotected sex.

Marital conflict has also been linked to immune system disruptions.

According to a 2003 review in the Journal of Physiology and Behavior, distressed marriages are a major source of stress for couples. In fact, unhappily married people are generally worse off in their wellbeing than people who are not in a relationship at all. Domestic strain can also influence how well people function at work. Those with more marital concerns reported greater stress throughout the day. On the other hand, a good relationship enhances emotional balance and personal productivity.

Heart problems

Disease recovery

A stressful relationship can leave us heart broken and vulnerable to heart failure. Patients with the most severe heart

Relationship conflict and distress are associated with the severity of disease symptoms and the degree of recovery

Overall health

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MOMS MAGAZINE

Pasta with Fresh Tomatoes

by APMedia Staff

from illness. For example, marital distress was associated with worse recovery for breast cancer survivors, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Cancer.

Patients in a distressed relationship not only had continuously heightened levels of stress, they also eventually showed more impaired functioning compared with those in stable, non-distressed relationships.

In addition, patients dissatisfied with their marriage were also less compliant with medical regimens, such as adhering to healthy dietary habits. Marital distress was associated with longer recovery time.

Ingredients • 500 g Spaghetti noodles, cooked according to direction • 500 g fresh ripe tomatoes • 5 cloves garlic, minced • ¼ c Fresh basil leaves, chopped • Salt and pepper to taste • Parmesan Cheese, grated • 3 T Olive oil • Dried chili flakes, optional Procedure 1. Cook spaghetti noodles according to package direction. Set aside.

2. Blanched, peel and deseed tomatoes. and set aside.

Chop

3. Heat pan over medium fire. Add olive oil and garlic. As soon as you smell the garlic, add tomatoes and let it simmer for 1 minute.Turn off fire and add noodles. Mix well, adding a little salt and freshly ground pepper. Add the basil leaves and mix again.

4. Add grated Parmesan cheese.

5. Add ground chili flakes if you want it spicy.

6. Serve hot with roast chicken or breaded fish fillet.

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ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS

Just Asking with Peter Banzon

Q:

My friends think I’m cool, but the truth is I easily get offended by what they might do or say. How do I deal with this feeling?

A:

B

eing easily offended is a difficult problem. You may be overly sensitive and regard many things as offensive. When people offend you and it remains unresolved, each new offense digs deeper into your soul and may make you bitter.

Bitterness is something you must never allow to take root in your life.

The Bible says in Mark 11:25, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him. What another person says may be completely innocent and unintentional. Since you are easily offended, first, examine if an actual offense was committed against you. Be prepared to let the offense go. Surrender that hurt feeling to God. Forgive as God has forgiven you.

Second, if people offend you, lovingly go to them and tell them how they offended you.

Instead of waiting for them to go to you (they may not be aware that they offended you), you make the first move. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

Doing this tells them you value them. You don’t want anything to come between you and them. You don’t want to embarrass them by involving another person. This is between you and them. You may be misunderstood, but doing the right thing has positive long term effects.

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