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MOMS’ NEWS
From My Heart Dear Readers, As I have reflected on topics for 2015, I have decided to address topics that cause women to be afraid. One of the things women fear most, is rape. If this happens, is recovery possible? Can rape be prevented? If a woman is raped is she to blame? I’ve researched and watched stories about this terrible issue, and noted that some victims didn’t report their experience to authorities. Moreover, some victims kept anger in their hearts, and in their attempt to take revenge, they realized too late that they are the ones being destroyed. In this issue, “MOVING ON” are big words. We want victims of rape, and other forms of abuse, to know that “letting go” has a lot to do with “moving on.” We want them to know that rape is not the end of their dreams for a better life. Yes, rape is a horrifying experience, and it is difficult to pick up the pieces. But, it is possible for brave women to rise above these circumstances. They can be strong and make the right choices. They can let go of their past, and continue to hope for a bright future. They can trust that beyond their painful experience, God is faithful and has a plan for their life. They can, “Let go and Move On!” Evelyn Damian, Editor
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CHICKA-CHICKA
How to Tell if Your Child was Raped
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Beauty for Ashes: Rape Counseling and Recovery
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WISE CHOICES
Protect Your Children
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MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Moving On: a Testimony of Hope
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FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING
Doctors Can Help
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ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS
Just Asking
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What the Bible Says about ...
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MOMS MAGAZINE
MOMS Editorial Staff (L-R): Patrick, Evelyn, Kim & Johnson.
MOMS EDITORIAL STAFF Chief Editor Kimberly Snider Editor, MOMS Evelyn Damian Distribution Johnson Li Cover & Layout Patrick Tan
Thank you for your financial help! • •
UEC- Gen. Santos City A friend from Pasig City
We need a little help from our friends... MOMS has no subscription price; it is supported completely through contributions. We distribute 58,000 copies each quarter for free. To help support this publication, send cash or check made payable to: Asia Pacific Media Ministries FAO MOMS. To make a direct deposit, use our BPI, C/A #2431-0042-27. All contributions are used entirely for the outreach of this publication. Thank you!
You Can Start a Relationship with Christ
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dmit you have sinned. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
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elieve in Jesus. “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish; but have eternal life.” John 3:16b
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onfess and leave your sin behind. Stop sinning. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 To continue growing in your relationship with Christ, fellowship with other believers, read the Bible and pray!
Published quarterly by Asia Pacific Media Ministries. Unit 2608 Raffles Corporate Center, Emerald Avenue, Ortigas Center, 1605 Pasig City, Philippines. Telephone: 914-9767. E-mail: moms@apmedia.org. Reproduction of photos and articles is prohibited without permission.
ASIA PACIFIC
MEDIA 3
CHICKA-CHICKA
How to Tell if Your Child was Raped by Jeanne Ching
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t is quite alarming that rape cases are fast becoming part of the daily news. In 2013, the Philippine National Police Women and Children Protection Center (PNP-WCPC) recorded a total of 5,493 rape incidents involving women and child victims. That’s approximately one reported rape incident every 96 minutes1. Remember, this figure only refers to the reported cases, when in fact, many other cases go unreported. What is Rape? As defined by Republic Act No. 8353, the Anti-Rape Law of 1997, rape is committed by (1) having sex with a
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woman by using force or intimidation; (2) when the woman is out of her mind or unconscious; and (3) when the girl is under 12 years of age. How can you was raped?
tell
if your
child
The signs and symptoms of a person who has been raped vary from one person to another. In many cases, a victim will not tell what happened to them because the perpetrator is a family member, or someone close to the family. In other cases, the victim is being threatened or is afraid of rejection or blame from their family. Mothers have the best interest of their children in mind. So, if several of these tell-tale signs should occur, they should consider asking questions and seeking help. Behavioral Signs: •
Depression, anxiety, guilt or anger Continued on page 7
MOMS MAGAZINE
Beauty for Ashes: Rape Counseling and Recovery by Gema Viaña
“A
ng dumi-dumi ko na. Nandidiri ako sa sarili ko!” These words went around and around in Jane’s mind. She said them to her counselor when the counselor asked Jane how she saw herself after she was raped. “Ang dumi-dumi ko na. Nandidiri ako sa sarili ko!” she cried. Jane blamed herself for things that she might have done that triggered the crime. Jane had been a typical 16-year old who hung out with friends and was active in the music and youth group. She was happy and carefree until she was raped by someone she respected and trusted. The assailant was highly regarded in the immediate circle where Jane and her family belonged. Jane had looked up to him, and even idolized him. For many years, Jane kept the incident a secret. After her initial shock, she chose to not tell anyone about her ordeal, hoping that the pain would go away if she did not talk about the crime. It was much later when she told her family and closest confidante about the incident, and they respected her decision not to expose the rapist. Jane lived a seemingly normal life and appeared to have succeeded in moving on after the incident, but twelve years later, Jane learned that her assailant raped another girl. The feelings of hatred and trauma that she had suppressed all those years ago came to the surface again. Jane was furious that her assailant had found another victim and denied the charge when he was confronted. Finally, Jane decided to come out and file a case against the rapist with the support of her family and friends. When Jane exposed the crime, a lot of people showed their support, and more victims came out. She and the recent victim were advised to go through counseling to help them heal. After seeking guidance from several people on the best course of action to take, Jane and the other rape victim found a trusted counselor. After undergoing several counseling sessions, Jane recognized the strong feelings of hatred she held against her rapist. She also realized that she had been trying to ‘get even’ with her rapist by hurting other people. She said, “Gusto kong makaganti at makasakit din ng ibang tao dahil sa sakit na naramdaman ko.” Because she did not trust men, Jane confessed she had gotten involved in a homosexual relationship with another woman. Jane credits counseling in helping her realize the negative things that she did because of the rape that happened many years ago. She said she felt free because she came out in the open about the crime, and because she could talk freely about her feelings during her counseling sessions. She is thankful that her counselor asked the right questions – questions that would make her look deeply into her feelings. She is relieved that someone listened, without judgment and with full confidentiality, even Continued on page 13
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WISE CHOICES
Protect Your Children by Joshua Kho
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arents can protect their children from abuse by equipping them to protect themselves. I interviewed a social worker from the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). I learned that they use Teaching Good Touch Bad Touch to teach children how to protect themselves. Here are some pointers from their manual. Teach them about their bodies and the different touches. 1.
Teach children the correct names of their body parts, including those that are private. Children often find it hard to tell about sexual abuse because they don’t know the words to use. Explain that the parts of their body covered by their underwear are their private body parts.
2. Teach children that “they are the boss of their body.” Let your children know that they are in control of who touches their bodies and how. 3. Explain to your child the three kinds of touches. Safe touches are those that keep children safe and are good for them; it makes them feel cared for and important. Unsafe touches are those that hurt children’s bodies or feelings (for example, hitting, pushing, pinching, and kicking). Teach children that these kinds of touches are not okay. Unwanted touches are those that
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might be safe but that a child doesn’t want from a certain person or at that moment. It’s okay for a child to say “no” to an unwanted touch, even if it is from a familiar person. This will help children learn to set personal boundaries. After teaching these things, you can teach the other kinds of unsafe touches wherein someone older or bigger (except their doctor) touches their private body parts. Tell your child that a touch that makes them feel uncomfortable is a bad touch. Teach them what they should do when someone touches them in the wrong way. They should: •
Tell the person that they don’t like it and they don’t want to be touched.
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Get away fast! Run away from the person whose touch they didn’t liked.
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They should never stay alone with that person again.
MOMS MAGAZINE •
They should call for help. They can scream.
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If someone touches them with a bad touch, they should immediately tell someone they trust (parent, relative, teacher, or doctor) what has happened. They need to be courageous and not keep what has happened a secret.
Additionally, be careful who you leave your children with. Don’t trust easily, don’t leave them alone even with close relatives. Incest rape cases are on the rise according to a Women’s desk police officer. It is better if you can find someone, a mature girl, who can take care of your little children if you really need to leave them. All in all when it comes to rape or child abuse I believe neglect often results in regret. Sources: Teaching Good Touch Bad Touch (http://familyhelpcenter.net/pdf/18%20Teaching%20Good%20Touch%20Bad%20 Touch.pdf)
How to Tell, continued.
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Inadequate personal hygiene
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Fear of intimacy or closeness
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Eating or sleeping problems
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Substance abuse
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Self-harm
Physical Signs •
Unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth
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Persistent or recurring pain during urination or bowel movements
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Having Sexually Disease (STD)
Transmitted
How can we help a rape victim? Rape victims need understanding and acceptance, not blame. Convince the victim to see a doctor or psychiatrist to help her cope with the situation. The PNP and DSWD maintain help desks to assist victims of violence and encourage the reporting of crimes. With the assistance of NGOs, officers are equipped with gender sensitivity training to deal with victims of sexual
crimes and domestic violence. In fact, the PNP has a Women and Children’s Unit to deal with these issues. But for emergencies, call or text 117 and you will be referred to the proper action unit. Additionally, several organizations like: GABRIELA, provides counselling to victims of violence against women. You may contact them thru gabrielaservies@yahoo.com or (02)374-3452; Bathaluman Crisis Center Foundation, Inc., provides a support systems, including a service and referral centre, to help survivors deal with their physical trauma. Call them at Tel. 63 82 303 8582 or E-Mail: bathalumancrisiscenter@ yahoo.com; Women’s Crisis Centre (WCC), provides temporary shelter, medical and legal assistance as well as counselling and support group to rape victims2. Their number is 922-5235. 1, 2 http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/ 376614/news/specialreports/special-report-rape-inthe-philippines-numbers-reveal-disturbing-trend
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MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Darrell and Sherri Beebe were called to be missionaries in Palau in 1986. They had barely settled in their new home when something horrible happened and changed the course of their life. Our night of horror.
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n July 1986, we had been in the nation of Palau only 9 weeks when our home was attacked. Our son was 12 years old and our daughter was only 11. Three men broke into our house and beat my husband so badly he couldn’t stand up. Then, two of the men came upstairs and started beating me and demanding money. When I realized they were going to abuse me, I begged them not to do it in front of my children. They took me away from the house and two of the men horribly raped me. A third man took me across the road to a military bunker left over from World War II, and continued to rape me throughout the night. He told me my family had all been killed and I would remain there as his prisoner for the rest of my life. While this was happening to me, my daughter was pulled from my husband’s
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arms and badly abused in the next room. They put a bullet in a pistol and put it to my son’s head when my son didn’t move quickly enough to follow their orders. They hit my husband over the head with a shotgun swung like a baseball bat. It tore his brain tissue. When he regained consciousness, it was quiet and they were gone. He found my son and daughter, but he couldn’t find me. They drove to a small military camp and policemen came and woke up village people to help. God told me that night that I wouldn’t die. After Darrel called for help, there was a massive manhunt. When the man who held me captive heard the noise, he tried to flee and they were able to rescue me. Eventually, the police had the three men in custody. The rescue was not the end. The rescue was not the end of the trauma. I learned that Darrell needed brain surgery. He had to fly to Hawaii but they didn’t allow the kids and I to
travel with him. A few days later, we were all reunited in Hawaii and we received medical care but we realized that the emotional wounds were the struggle we were really dealing with. That happened more than 20 years ago, and the family and the marriage is intact today. One of the things that we learned in this process was that for us to be healthy, happy we had to learn to forgive. It took longer for our children to forgive and move on than it did for us. Naturally, at first our daughter did not want to forgive. She thought that if she forgave these men, then God might forget about their sin and it would not be held against them. We had to make her understand that forgiveness was for her benefit and not for theirs. We just allowed them to talk to us about their struggles and their feelings and directed them to what the Bible tells us to do. Because we were all struggling, Continued on the next page
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MAKE A DIFFERENCE we were able to be honest enough with our kids to say, “I’m really struggling right now, too. Let’s think of the best way to deal with this.” Ongoing family support is really important to recovery. We tried hard to model forgiveness. We wanted everything we did to be a pattern for them to follow. Questioning God. The devil wanted us to believe that God doesn’t keep His promises. But, actually, God doesn’t promise that life will always be good for us. He said in this world we will have trouble. He did promise that He would never leave us nor forsake us. We live in an evil sinful world where people hurt people, and then hurt people hurt people. We have come to understand the importance of not letting somebody’s wrong action determine who we become. I’m not how I am because of what they did. We are who we are and how we are because of our own right choices and our response to what they did. The effects of this experience on my family and me. For a long time we struggled to sleep. We struggled to feel safe. We struggled with re-living those memories over and over again. I was dealing with those issues of wanting to get even but inside my heart, God said, “Vengeance belongs to me, I will repay.” (Hebrews) Then He said, “You conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel.” (Philippians) You know I struggled with that, but I’ve learned that hurt feelings never motivate righteous action. We should allow the truth of the Word to be what motivates us. Our marriage changed. I struggled a lot with feeling violated and with the
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Evelyn interviewing Darrell and Sherri.
terrible things that they said to me. What really helped us in our marriage was that I was able to talk to Darrell and he could help me, because honestly, in our intimate life, some things just could not be the same. Some people think it is weak to forgive. Actually we have learned only strong people can forgive. We have the wrong understanding of forgiveness. We think forgiveness is going to help the person who attacked us. No! The men who attacked us in Palau didn’t know I forgave them but when I chose to forgive them, it benefited me. It closed the doorway that the devil was using to try to continue to use to steal my life. Forgiving is not an easy thing to do. It’s not just letting it go. It’s making a conscious choice; it is a process. So we forgive, and then the memories come because the memories don’t go away, and often Satan reminds us of how hurt and angry we are, and we have to choose again to forgive. Every time you have a memory and pain is attached, you need to continue to choose to forgive until the day comes when you
MOMS MAGAZINE have the memory and the pain is no longer there. That’s how you know, in that circumstance, your journey is complete. Six years ago, God told us to begin to travel and tell our story and teach people what we’ve learned about forgiveness. Forgiveness, I believe, is a very, very important part of living a victorious Christian life. The first thing we learned is forgiveness is a command and not an option for the child of God. We teach people forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. You will never feel like forgiving someone, but as you choose to forgive, those feelings of enduring hatred will begin to diminish. When the enemy brings the memory back, and it hurts so, I choose again to forgive. And so that really helps me to realize I don’t have to feel it because it’s about making a choice. All unforgiveness does is give the enemy power over us to continue to cause us pain. Forgiveness benefits us, not the offender. Forgiving your enemy is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Darrell and Sherri with their grandchildren.
Keeping secrets. One of the biggest things the enemy uses is keeping secrets. I’m sure there’s a lot of wives who have been raped, but never told their husband that it happened to them. The danger with this is that sometimes the women react to their husbands negatively, and the husbands don’t know why. The husband can feel rejected and the marriage struggles because there is a secret. Tell a trusted friend who is an accountability partner so the devil cannot use this against you all the time. The end of the story. In 2007, we had the opportunity to go back to Palau. In one of our outdoor meetings where we were preaching the Gospel, we were introduced to one of the men who had attacked us. We were able to sit down with him, and extend personal forgiveness to him and we prayed God would bless him. We preached for several nights after we met him and we shared the Gospel. Over a hundred people accepted Jesus and many were physically healed. My husband, Darrell went to the prison and shared the Gospel. Twelve men raised their hands to accept Jesus that night. As my son prayed with them, God spoke to Darrell and He said, “Had I not withheld my hand 21 years ago, the names of these men would not be in the Lamb’s Book of Life tonight.” It is so important to not become hopeless. We just don’t know the end of our story, or what God is planning, but we do know this: “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a future and a hope!” Jeremiah 29:11.
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FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING
Doctors Can Help by Maria Rikka M. Ocena
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ven if a rape victim feels she has no permanent physical injury, consulting medical help is still crucial. Avoiding a health care provider will put the victim at a great risk. A rape victim is 5% to 10% more likely to acquire Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) than women who have not been raped. STDs, when left untreated, will cause serious health problems. Hepatitis B, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and herpes may also be contracted during rape. In a consultation involving rape, doctors usually begin by asking questions about the victim’s general health. They will also ask about the assault, how it happened, and what parts of the victim’s body are painful. This helps them evaluate the victim’s condition and determine which tests and medications are necessary. Doctors will offer options. A victim can choose to receive tests and treatment for STDs immediately, or wait until she confirms that she is infected. As a preventive measure, a dose of penicillin will be given after the assault. Besides contracting disease, unwanted pregnancy is also a possibility after rape. If the victim is taking birth control pills, the probability of pregnancy is very small. If they are not, doctors can determine whether the victim is likely to conceive. A blood test immediately after an assault can determine if pregnancy has occurred. Laboratory results can help the victim decide whether she will use contraceptives to prevent childbearing. Emergency Contraceptive Pills (ECPs) and an intra uterine device (IUD) can prevent pregnancy without causing abortion. According to the National Institute of Health, pregnancy begins when fertilized eggs implant in the lining of the uterus. ECPs prevent the eggs and sperm from joining; in other words, ECPs work before pregnancy begins. That is why medical help must be sought immediately after rape. ECPs therapy consists of taking 2 estrogen pills when the victim gets to the hospital and two more pills twelve hours later. Another treatment, an IUD, thickens cervical mucus to prevent sperm from fertilizing the eggs. It is important to note that
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MOMS MAGAZINE neither of these treatments causes abortion, and these emergency contraceptives will not work if the woman is already pregnant. Another option for the woman is to do nothing and determine that she will carry the unborn child and accept it as a blessing despite the sharply painful experience. Although, medical care is readily available for victims of sexual assault, women are ashamed, and are under extreme anxiety about retelling the incident. This is why often rape victims do not approach medical practitioners for treatment. Another reason a victim may not seek medical advice may be the lack of funds to pay for medical expenses. Section 3A of Republic Act No. 8505, an act providing assistance and protection for rape victims, states that, women who are victims of sexual assault shall be “provided with psychological counselling, medical and health services, including their medico-legal examination.” The lack of money should not be a hindrance to seeking medical attention. Rape crisis centers located in government hospitals or health clinics are available to handle sexual abuse cases. Rape is a frightening and violent crime against women. Support and understanding are vital so that victims can gracefully overcome the ordeal. A doctor’s assistance should include running tests, and insuring that the patient is protected and has been fully treated for any health hazards acquired after being sexually assaulted. Rape victims also need to know that their beauty and personhood has not been damaged. Rape is NEVER THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM! Sources: Encyclopedia of Family Health/David B. Jacoby, Robert M. Youngston,, 3rd ed. Philippine Commission on Women (http://www.pcw.gov.ph/focus-areas/violence-against-women/rape) The Rape Treatment Center, Santa-Monica-UCLA Medical Center (http://www.911rape.org/getting-help/what-to-do-ifyou-are-raped )
Beauty for Ashes, continued.
when she cursed her rapist, or wished him dead. She appreciates that she was and is free to express how she feels. “Nakakagaan ng loob na nasasabi mo ang lahat-lahat,” she says. As Jane continues her counseling sessions, she is filled with hope for a better future. She still has her bad days when she remembers the incident and feels pain, but she is thankful for the guidance that her counselor gives her. She knows that the rape was not her fault. She understands that she still has a lot of things to process and this will not go away with just a few counseling sessions. She has become more self-aware and when negative thoughts begin clouding her mind she makes a conscious effort to focus on the positive. She is slowly rebuilding her self-image. She looks forward to complete healing, and she is determined not to remain a victim by overcoming this terrible chapter of her life with the help of God and the support of her family and friends.
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ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS
Just Asking with Peter Banzon
Q:
My 2nd husband raped my daughter from a previous marriage and I want him jailed, but I have three little children and a baby by him and he is the only one supporting us. I don’t have a job as I am taking care of the children. What can I do?
A: I
t is difficult to accept that a person you love raped your child. I cannot imagine the pain this has caused you. Your husband has committed a serious crime against your daughter that will leave her with deep emotional scars. If you tolerate what he has done for the sake of financial support for your other children, you are exposing your daughter to the trauma of further emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse. She will go through life with hatred not only for your husband but for you as well. So do the right thing, go to the Women’s protection desk of your nearest police station and report the crime. You may have forgiven him, but he has to suffer the consequences of his act. If necessary, you may have to temporarily relocate to a relative’s place so your daughter can be removed from the scene of the crime. Your daughter needs to undergo counseling so she can deal with what she went through. You need to belong to a community of people who love Jesus Christ and are fully committed to Him. They can help you go through this painful episode in your lives. This is a time to trust God like never before. He cares for you and your family. He knows exactly what you are going through. The Bible says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) Only Jesus Christ can give you and your daughter true and lasting healing.
What the Bible says about “Moving On” ... “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corintahians 5:17, NLT)
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