Archive is Vancouver’s people-powered magazine.
Get the app. Get in the magazine.
H OW A R C H I V E WO R K S Our app finds the most popular photos in Vancouver and we publish them in a monthly magazine.
H OW T H E A P P WO R K S
It’s like Tinder for photography. Swipe up if you like a photo. Swipe sideways if you don’t care. If a photo sucks, swipe it down. You can swipe a photo only once, every swipe is equal, and all swipes are kept secret. Each photo is assigned a score based on these swipes. SUBMISSION DEADLINE T H E M AT H
Photo scores are based on this formula.
There’s a timer in the app that counts backwards from 30 days. When it reaches zero we stop counting swipes, pull the winning photos off the server, and make the magazine. A week later, copies of Archive can be found in cafés, restaurants, and shops across Vancouver. T H E P H O TO S T R E A M
For context, 1000 is a perfect score, 500 is right in the middle, and 0 is the worst photo you’ve ever seen.
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The default photostream consists of every photo on the network presented in reverse chronological order (newest to oldest). You can refine your stream at any time by touching the sandwich icon in the top left corner of the app. Browse a category by touching People, Places, or Things. If you want easy access to the photos your friends have submitted, touch the Following filter.
W H AT TO P H O T O G R A P H
L E A D E R B OA R D
TRU E STORIES
There are four categories for your photos: People, Places, Things, and Monthly. People is self explanatory. If a person is the focus of your photo it belongs in the people category. Places is for photos on a big scale like sunsets, landscapes, beaches, or architecture. Things is for the small stuff like food or animals. If the subject of the photo could fit in your living room, it belongs in the things category. Monthly will change every issue. It could be tattoos, the beach, cats, or black and white photos. Its purpose is to make each magazine different. If you’d like to suggest a monthly category, email it to info@elective.ca.
Top Photos is a list of the top 50 images based on score. It resets each month. Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a six-page spread to showcase their best photography in next month’s magazine.
Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. We pay for any story that ends up in print. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
W H AT N O T TO P H O T O G R A P H
Don’t be antisocial. Don’t post nudes. Don’t embarrass people. Don’t upload copyrighted material. Don’t use the service to try to sell products. For fuck’s sake, do NOT post inspirational quotes. There are lots of ways to be a jerk with a camera, please avoid them all. If you encounter a photo that breaks one of these rules you can bring it to our attention by touching the three dots beside the photographer’s name. We will review it as soon as possible.
CO M M E N T S
We didn’t include commenting in the app because user generated comment sections often devolve into an orgy of racism and harassment. Instead, we will hand-pick someone from Vancouver each month to provide the text that accompanies the photography in the magazine. That person might be a comedian, a musician, or a bartender. Their profession is irrelevant so long as their comments are insightful, interesting, or funny. If you would like to be the commenter, read the three questions below and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
F E E D B AC K
Nothing is more valuable than accurate criticism. If you have any comments, complaints, or ideas about how we could make a better magazine or do a better job running Archive please email them to info@elective.ca. We read every message and will respond when we can. BUGS
If the app isn’t working the way you think it should be working, that’s something we want to fix. Archive is still in its early stages and we want to build the best possible experience. If you notice something buggy, think something could be made better, or want to get involved in other ways please send an email to info@ elective.ca
1. If you could fight one person from Vancouver (past or present, alive or dead) who would it be and why? 2. What is the worst restaurant (or bar) in Vancouver that is secretly good, and T H E M AG A Z I N E why? Archive is a record of the moments that 3. What metaphor or simile best describes animate life in Vancouver. how people in Vancouver dress?
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VA N C O U V E R
ISSUE 01 PUBLISHER
Elective Media Inc.
CTO
Allan Harding allanharding@elective.ca
EDITORS AT LARGE
EIC
Samuel Kerr samuelkerr@elective.ca
COPY EDITOR
Michael Mann Douglas Haddow
John Lucas
DESIGN DIRECTOR
DESIGNER
Quinci Cohen
SALES
Matt Coolen
BUSINESS INQUIRIES
info@elective.ca
Karim Kadi
PRINT PARTNER
Still Creek Press
COMPLAINTS
samuelkerr@elective.ca
ADDRESS
280–1090 West Georgia Vancouver, BC V6E 3V7
600
George vancouver
archiveapp www.archive.live
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Developed with the participation of Creative BC and the British Columbia Arts Council
Great on Saturdays!”
“
sundaycider.com A R C H I V E 5
ISSUE 01
Contents 08 Editor’s Letter 10
Staff Picks 475
34 Top Photographer Graham Handford
East Van Skin, Hollywood Murder by Sam Kerr
88 In Your Mouth with David Stansfield 90 People to See, Places to Go, Things to Do 93 A Vancouver Crossword (with dick jokes) Harrison Mooney and Merlin Von Duck
95 Adult Colouring Book Justin Gradin
96 Top Rated Photo of Them All
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16
People Comments by Douglas Haddow
40 Places Comments by Cameron MacLeod and Brian Cook
62 Things Comments by Sara Bynoe
80 Beers in the Sun Comments by the Archive Staff
566 Vanessa Herdman
George vancouver
56 From the Archive
#HowFarWouldYouGo | @CavalierGastown
www.cavaliergastown.com | 604.681.0047 217 W.Hastings St. Vancouver, BC
Leanne fuhr 771
EDITOR’S LETTER — People don’t like pictures of your baby. I have proof. Babies get lots of likes on social media but most of these likes are lies. The interaction model on services like Instagram and Facebook is designed to promote positivity. You can like something or you can scroll past it. But there is no way to express displeasure. The interaction model alone isn’t enough to explain why pictures of babies get likes they don’t deserve. For this you need notifications. When I like a photo on a Facebook, the photographer is notified that I’ve done so. This notification feedback loop fosters an environment where “liking” a photo is as much about communicating affinity for the photographer as it is about expressing an opinion on the quality of the photo itself. This phenomenon is most evident when people post selfies from the hospital after an accident. Hospital selfies get loads of likes but nobody enjoys seeing their friend in a cast. Babies are the same way. We don’t actually like your baby but we want to send you a congratulatory notification. It’s like the opposite of a micro aggression. Digital manners make life nicer on the internet but they also encourage dishonesty because your baby is actually boring. Archive doesn’t share this interaction model or feedback structure. We didn’t enable notifications (all swipes are anonymous) so there’s no incentive to like a baby out of politeness. We force people to make a value judgment on every photo they encounter, so you can’t scroll past a baby in silence. And, we enabled negativity so you can swipe a baby down. The reason I bring this up is because the lowest rated photo on Archive this month was a picture of a baby. It was a perfectly cute baby. The photo was well lit and expertly composed. Yet, 79% of you swiped the little fucker down. Welcome to Archive!
HOW WE CHOSE THE COVER — Kidnappings aren’t usually photographed so artfully but the girl in the sunglasses has been missing for three weeks. The assailant (known only as the girl in black) used a sprinkler to distract our victim before dragging her to that white van in the background. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the missing woman send tip to info@elective.ca
SAM KERR
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805
Lindsay Elliott
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Archive Staff Picks Sometimes a photo speaks to you. These are the photos that spoke to the Archive team.
605 SAM KERR
My cat died three weeks ago. Stomach cancer. The experience was horrible but Cornelius Cuddlesworth lived with pride and dignity until he took his final breath. Cuddlesworth was a fighter. The cat in the photo is called Nes. He reminds me of Cuddlesworth. The stateliness and purity of heart. Righteous decency and honest virtue. Effortless grace. A more noble animal may not exist. I’ll bet that cat is even punctual.
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Lindsay Elliott
A R C H I V E S TA F F P I C K S
MICHAEL MANN
Criticize the lighting and composition of this photo all you want. My erection simply does not care.
534
Grady Mitchell
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Archive Staff Picks Sometimes a photo speaks to you. These are the photos that spoke to the Archive team.
Q U I N C I CO H E N
Lindsay Elliott’s been kicking ass and taking names this month, ruthlessly climbing the leaderboard one brilliant photo at a time. I mean, just look at this beaut. It’s a mesmerising composition chock full of amazing detail, not to mention it was the only photo of children that didn’t get downvoted to oblivion. It feels like a real ‘decisive moment’. Henri Cartier-Bresson eat your heart out.
800
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Lindsay ElliotT
A R C H I V E S TA F F P I C K S
579
Lindsay ElliotT
KARIM KADI
Yaaaas kween. Can I get a photo of me like this? Like come on, I need a new profile picture and this is pretty amazing. And that blue tho.
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August by the Numbers Photos
P E O P LE
P L AC E S
TH I N G S
CO NTE S T
TOTA L
140
280
228
88
736
P E O P LE
P L AC E S
TH I N G S
CO NTE S T
TOTA L S
1,207
3,082
1,684
658
6,631
861
1,718
1,652
448
4,679
536
1,583
1,170
536
3,825
2,604
6,383
4,506
1,642
15,135
TOTA L S
Votes
TOTA L S
H I G H E S T SCO R E
982
LOW E S T SCO R E
Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a six-page spread to showcase their best photography in the following month’s magazine. Rank
Name
Avg. Score
1
Blarg House
8 80
2
Lindsay Elliott
3
147
AV E R AG E SCO R E
550
Congratulations to Blarg House (if that is your real name) on winning a spread in next month’s magazine.
Name
Avg. Score
6
Nick Routley
774
810
7
Ashley Keller
764
Leanne Fuhr
784
8
George Vancouver
761
4
Linda Schroth
781
9
Steven Hu
723
5
Marija Bojanic
780
10
Ashley Notnap
7 15
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Rank
Tag a photo of a Persephone beer being enjoyed with #BEERFARMFRESH for a chance to win a trip to our brewery for you and a friend. www.persephonebrewing.com
On site you’ll see how we farm our own materials that go into our beer and of course taste many many delicious beers farmed, brewed and bottled just a short ferry ride away from Vancouver.
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PEOPLE 694 16 ARCHIVE
Lindsay Elliott
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 3 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
*Comments are marked with the commenter’s initials. archive’s are in pink.
Commenter of the Month
DOUGLAS HADDOW Doug is a Kingsway-based writer who reluctantly adopted a cat and resents the fact that so many people think he is a “cat person” now. His work has appeared in The Guardian, Colors, Adbusters, Slate, Vice, and others.
611 Ashley Keller
DH: As Spring draws to a close and the languid expression drains from Vancouver’s resting bitch face, there is a two-week window in between when people stop complaining about the rain and before they start complaining about the heat where it’s really quite a blast.
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In order from top to bottom 643 Nicola Pender 719 Lindsay Elliott
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656
Kaili Lampert
DH: Up until the 1920’s, pink was considered a masculine colour and was commonly associated with the hard-nosed working classes. It wasn’t until the rise of Freudian psychoanalysis that the colour became associated with cotton candy, bubblegum, and innuendo-laden slumber party board games.
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722
Lindsay Elliott
DH: Karl Marx once said “A commodity appears at first sight an extremely obvious, trivial thing. But its analysis brings out that it is a very strange thing, abounding in metaphysical subtleties and theological niceties.” Clearly he was talking about the KitchenAid® Ultra Power Plus Stand Mixer.
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785
Karim Kadi
806 Ashley Keller
DH: If I’ve learned anything, it’s that everyone has to find their own wave to ride. Doesn’t matter if it’s made from water, concrete, or technical cashmere. Find your wave. But never wear a pukka shell necklace. Life isn’t a Dave Matthews Band concert.
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In order clockwise from top 712 Victoria Black 775 Clinton McDougall 675 Jari Deutsch
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805
Lindsay Elliott
DH: If Jesus was born in Vancouver in the ‘80s he would be called “Craig” and wouldn’t go in for that hippy shit. Instead he would make classic, woodsy sartorial choices, drive a Yaris, and have a keen green thumb for succulents.
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619
George vancouver
DH: The story of man’s ascent, from shiftless sea toad to hoverboard-riding master of the universe, is not a story of success, but of unrelenting failure. Success is an abstraction, a byproduct of failure — those who achieve it are mere johnny-come-latelys riding on the backs of the trodden-down millions who came before. So at the end of the day, when the work is done, and you feel like you’ve accomplished something, take a moment and raise a glass to the Crystal Pepsis and Betamaxes of the world. For without them, you parents probably would never have had sex.
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690
George vancouver
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In order from top to bottom 750 700
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Lindsay Elliott Lindsay ElliotT
781
Lindsay Elliott
DH: The future and past are unfixed. They can only ever exist on the spectrum of what is possible. This is why you should always go for that drink with your friend after work if you don’t already have plans. You never know when the Large Hadron Collider might tear into the space-time continuum and shift us into some hellish reality where happy hours no longer exist. Much like Vancouver, circa 2014.
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606 DougLas haDdow
: This isn’t going in the magazine is it?
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797 Sam Kerr
650 Sam Kerr
DH: “What is art?” is often a question people ask themselves while drinking cold brew coffee. But a better question would be “Do these guys really think wearing snakes around their necks will get them laid?”
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In order from top to bottom 875 Marija Bojanić 844 Aleesha Sangha
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DH: A taste for radness is often like a thirst for milk. With both, you will find yourself naked in front a fridge, chugging straight from the carton, letting the overflow spill down your naked body and pool at your feet. One is a metaphor and the other requires paper towel.
650
George vancouver W W W. A R C H I V E. L I V E 3 1
750
Lindsay Elliott
DH: A grad student has a passionate love affair with a glass of Hefeweizen. A barista completely forgets what movie she just finished watching. A depressed yoga instructor smiles at the sight of a rollerblading tourist. A plate of all-you-can-eat sushi goes uneaten. A condo goes on the market, but isn’t immediately sold.
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Moments. Life is a collection of moments. Sometimes, you get your phone out quickly enough to capture their fleeting presence; holding them in place for an eternity, or at least until you run out of space and need to mass-delete all these precious, precious moments in order to take a video of your girlfriend doing a keg stand.
CHAZ MANDELTON EXPERT REALTOR • 專業地產經理 Yaletown Guru & Mortgage Ninja • 耶魯鎮專家 &“貸款忍者”
Think inside the box. For most of us, the pleasures of loft living have always seemed slightly out of reach - Until now. With this generously spaced floor-level junior micro-loft, the world just got a lot closer. A perfect live-work studio and/ or sleeping space, the unique layout minimizes the distance between your life and all the amenities of a world-class city, allowing you to be one step closer to the action. Yoga in the morning. Hikes in the afternoon. Cocktails in the evening. Now it’s a simple matter of getting out of bed. It is the classic urban loft we all love, re-imagined for a more active, down to earth and culture-oriented individual.
Realty Associates
箱內別有天地。對絕大部份買主來說，在大溫享受優級閣樓 生活的資格似乎永遠遙不可及 － 但這不再是您的問題了。 這個特製高級“迷你閣樓”將是您享受溫村優等生活的最好 機會。 閣樓設計讓您可以自由利用空間，或當臥室或用於辦 公，並同時將整個城市的世界級服務，飲食和購物全部變成 您的鄰居，讓您生活便利無比。 每早做做瑜珈，下午隨意遊山玩水，傍晚與友人共進美酒，這 些夢寐以求的溫村生活享受都在您的掌握中。“迷你閣樓” 將把您最喜愛的豪華市內生活帶到您的基本生活範圍內。
Information You Need to Know PRICE
$79,000
DEVELOPER
Peebus Group
ADDRESS
225 David Lam Park
AREA
Yaletown
BEDROOMS
0
BATHS
0
SQ. FT.
8.5
YEAR BUILT
2016
MLS
R20523DOG2
Monthly Top Photographer Top Photographers is a ranking based on the average score of a person’s best five photos in a given month. The winner will be awarded this section of the magazine to do with as they please. There was no winner last month (the app didn’t even exist) so just this once we chose a photographer we like: Graham Handford. From now on the choice is in your hands.
GRAHAM HANDFORD
A R C H I V E : W H O A R E YO U , A N D W H AT D O YO U D O W H E N YO U A R E N ’ T TA K I N G P I C T U R E S ?
C A N YO U G I V E U S A T I P O N H OW TO TA K E A G R E AT P H O TO?
graham: I’m a 29 year old man who spends his time fantasizing about being the mayor of our fine city. When I’m not shooting #VanArch, I’ll either be getting lost in the city’s Archives (#VanArchives), working in architecture, walking about town, watching the Jays, golfing, or napping. That’s it, really.
Make sure the horizon runs parallel with the top and bottom of the frame, unless you’ve had a few cheeky beverages and that’s the look you’re going for. Lastly, I love that Instagram offers the Highlights and Shadows editing tools, and not just Brightness. Being able to add more photographic information to the sky during a sunset, using Highlights, or brightening up shadows in Blood Alley, using Shadows, can make a photograph sing. Play with those two bars while editing your next photo and see what you create.
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W H O I S YO U R FAVO U R I T E L O C A L PHOTOG R APHE R?
Easy one — Ema Peter. She is a professional photographer who shoots both architectural and interior spaces. She’s had such success locally that her clientele have been flying her around the world, just to confirm their signature project’s photography has been composed with her eye. To have an internationally acclaimed photographer living here in Vancouver is truly something special. The next order of business is getting her Vancouver photographs in the city’s Archives so we can share her eye with future residents of the city. I F YO U W E R E O N D E AT H R OW A N D YO U CO U L D C H O O S E O N E R E S TAU R A N T I N VA N CO U V E R TO P R OV I D E YO U R L A S T M E A L , W H AT R E S TAU R A N T WO U L D I T B E A N D W H AT D I S H WO U L D YO U O R D E R ?
Death row. Jesus, I fucked up real bad. Let’s hope that’s not how I leave this Earth! My last meal would be my mother’s beef tenderloin — that sauce though. But, if it had to be from a Vancouver restaurant, it would be Mexi-Cali (4424 Dunbar) and I would order their Beef Redondo. It comes with tater tots and a lime slushie. Dang, you have to eat to believe. Check it out in Dunbar. W H AT I S YO U R FAVO U R I T E T H I N G T O S P E N D MONEY ON?
Prints from the city archives. There’s nothing that gets me going more than signing in with the receptionist, throwing those white gloves on, and delicately going through photographs of our city’s history. Purchasing prints and having them on my walls at home are daily reminders of how our city once was — hoarding images of our history. #VanArchives, please take all of my money.
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THE RE ARE A LOT OF HIKING PHOTOS O N T I N D E R I N VA N CO U V E R , W H AT ’ S T H AT ALL ABOUT?
Lol not too sure! Suppose it’s just singles flaunting their tail feathers, ’cause as we all know, it’s hip to be fit in Vancouver. VA N CO U V E R I S A N O B J E C T I V E LY T E R R I B L E P L AC E F O R YO U N G P E O P L E , W H AT ’ S K E E P I N G YO U H E R E ?
Everything’s keeping me here! But mostly, working in an architectural practice I have the opportunity to help shape the future fabric of the city. With the experiences gained growing up here as a child as well as the knowledge acquired through researching the city’s history, understanding the fact that I can be a part of moulding the city’s future is what truly keeps me around.
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P L AC E S 871 Nick Routley 40 ARCHIVE
Commenters of the Month
CAMERON MACLEOD
BRIAN COOK
Cameron is a comedic writer and performer living in Vancouver. He is the host of the monthly solo sketch comedy show THE HERO SHOW, film curator for JFL Northwest and teaches at Instant Theatre Company. He is a published photographer and has flatlined three times in his life.
Brian is the son of a steelworker and a preschool teacher from Hamilton, Ontario. He’s been a writer and actor for the last six years professionally and performs improv regularly locally and at international festivals. He also lies to people about being allergic to bees to explain his irrational fear.
*Comments are marked with the commenter’s initials.
CM & BC: Ah, Vancouver; peaceful, serene, innocent. There’s a reason it’s the number one place to live in the universe. And here we see the impending horde of robots bringing their reign of terror to an ill-prepared city.
750 Cameron Macleod W W W. A R C H I V E. L I V E 4 1
790
Blarg House
CM & BC: The early-morning fog horn signals the arrival of cargo ships containing hops, barley, and plaid shirts to Vancouver’s port authority. Shipments arrive four times daily, yet the craft brewing industry still demands more.
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: Bring the shipments on. When the real-estate market crashes craft beer will be Vancouver’s only remaining industry. Breweries already make up half of this magazine’s advertising base.
812
Lindsay Elliott
CM & BC: This is just a production still from our favourite movie — The Goonies. Fun Fact: the role of “Sloth” is played by John Matuszak — former defensive lineman for the Oakland Raiders — who would later die of a prescription drug overdose. “HEY YOU GUYYYSSS!!”
: This is obviously a photo of Oregon, but we’ll let it sneak in this time.
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In order clockwise from sailboat. 820 Linda Schroth 733 Blarg House 778 Nick Routley
CM & BC: Q: Out of these five photos can you guess which is the vacation home of Atlantabased hip-hop artists the Ying Yang Twins? A: It’s the tiny sailboat, or “schooner”. 44 ARCHIVE
Right Page In order from top to bottom 762 800
George vancouver George vancouver
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CM & BC: The robotic horde began their attack, striking strategic locations such as marinas and ports, blocking the trade route for the craft brewing industry. Mayhem ensued.
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CM & BC: The bottom photo reminds me of The Truman Show. Remember that movie? It was pretty good. Ed Harris wore a Kangol hat.
Left page In order from top to bottom 883 Blarg House 803 Sam Kerr 850 Lindsay Elliott
Left Page In order from top to bottom 750 George vancouver 852 Ashley Keller
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CM & BC: Q: Hidden amongst all of these beautiful sunsets is one sunrise. Can you guess which one? A: Just kidding, they’re all sunsets. You want a sunrise you get up early and go find one yourself.
In order clockwise starting at the top left 771 Ashley Notnap 800 Kelly Findlay 780 Linda Schroth 796 Allan Harding 852 Leanne Fuhr
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CM & BC: This guy’s friendship bracelet business is booming! What am I doing with my life? My father was right.
: Do you have that guy’s contact information? I bet he has a massive advertising budget and we could use some of that friendship bracelet money.
803 Christine Tam
Left Page. In order from top to bottom 823 Linda Schroth 875 Steven Hu
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CM & BC: The four remaining craft brewers fled to the hills in search of naturally grown hops and barley. Their discoveries led them to the creation of a new “Cascadia Hopped Urban Mountain Pale”, which this writer finds to be slightly bitter.
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In order from top to bottom 768 Steven Hu 838 Marija Bojanić
CM & BC: Looking up at the trees in this way reminds me of that one time I took too much acid and couldn’t get out of my buddy’s hammock.
In order from left to right 862 Allan Harding 790 Marija Bojanić
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839
Blarg House
CM & BC: A lone figure stands as the smoke clears following humanity’s final battle with its Robot Overlords. Vancouver was once again at peace. Shipments of plaid shirts, hops, and barley were back in the harbour. The Ying Yang Twins sipped some “C.H.U.M.P” on their “schooner” and enjoyed a sunset.
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East Van Skin, Hollywood Murder
BY S A M K E R R 56 ARCHIVE
In 1978, the most beautiful woman in Vancouver worked at the Dairy Queen on East Hastings. In 1979 she became a Playboy playmate. In 1980 she earned roles in Hollywood movies and appeared on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Then she was murdered.
H
er story starts with a cheap hustler from East Van beauty contest to find a playmate who could commemorate named Paul Snider. He was the kind of guy who wore their first quarter century. The winner would receive a gold belt buckle in order to draw attention to his $25,000. crotch. His shirts were unbuttoned, his coats were fur, and Snider contacted a photographer in Vancouver who had his moustache was finely groomed. He kept his days busy by ties to Playboy magazine and asked him to shoot Dorothy promoting car shows at the PNE but two-bit criminality was naked. At first the photographer refused because Dorothy Snider’s main source of income. In East Van he was known was underage. It’s unclear whether Dorothy’s mother signed as the “Jewish Pimp.” the release form or if Paul forged it but, either way, the In early 1978 Snider walked into the Dairy Queen on photographer ultimately acquiesced. According to Dorothy’s Hastings Street and saw Dorothy Hoogstratten serving ice Playboy Playmate video, they took the photos on Wednesday, cream behind the counter. His initial remark is alleged to mailed them on Thursday, and by Sunday she was on a flight be, “That girl could make me a lot of money,” which is gross, to Los Angeles for an interview at the Playboy mansion. It and made worse by the fact that Snider was 27 years old and was her first time on an airplane. Dorothy was still in high school. He got her phone number She didn’t win the 25th anniversary prize but she was from a coworker and called later that week. included in the final 16 contestants and was earmarked to The Hoogstratten family didn’t have much money. Her be the centerfold for the August ’79 issue. Hugh Hefner father abandoned them when Dorothy was three and her recognized her beauty immediately. He was so desperate to mother, Nelly, was stuck raising three children alone. At keep her in the Playboy family that he hired her as a “Bunny” times she had to rely on welfare for support. It’s easy to for the Playboy Club in Century City, in spite of the fact that understand why Dorothy was impressed when Paul Snider she had no serving experience outside Dairy Queen and was showed up in a black Corvette. He bought her expensive gifts, three years under the legal drinking age. He described her cooked her dinner at his apartment, and took her out on the as, “Angelic, she lit up a room, all the corny phrases were true town like an adult. Most women Snider’s age would have about Dorothy.” The only imperfection that Hefner could seen right through his sleazy bullshit but Dorothy was nine find with Dorothy was her last name. So they shortened it. years his junior. She fell for him. ‘Hoogstratten’ became Stratten. Snider had big plans. 1978 was Playboy magazine’s 25th Once in the hands of Playboy’s modeling agency anniversary and they were conducting an international Dorothy’s career exploded. Her look blended innocence
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with eroticism in a way that transcended the pinups that Playboy typically published. Job offers poured in. “She was surely more successful in a shorter period of time than any other playmate in the history of the empire,” wrote Teresa Carpenter in her Pulitzer Prize-winning Village Voice feature ‘Death of a Playmate’. The only person who didn’t seem to be basking in Dorothy’s success was her significant other, Paul Snider. Back when they first met in Vancouver, Snider seemed streetwise and mature. He could provide things Dorothy didn’t have. But in Los Angeles they were living in a basement suite beside the Santa Monica freeway and Snider was unemployed. He attempted to go out on his own a couple of times but nothing seemed to work. In 1979, he cooked up the idea of creating a male alternative to the Bunnies he had seen at the Playboy Club in Century City. He found two partners and raised enough money to create the Chippendale dancers. The business was a success but Snider was forced out before he had a chance to cash in. His next idea was to use his skill as a craftsman to build a state-of-the-art bondage rack that he intended to sell in sex shops across the city. That plan didn’t work either and the prototype ended up collecting dust in a corner of his bedroom. Los Angeles made Snider feel like a nobody. Terrified that his playmate girlfriend might leave him behind, Snider pressured Dorothy to elope. On June 1st they were married in Las Vegas. By the time Dorothy’s August ’79 issue of Playboy hit the streets, Hollywood had taken an interest. She booked speaking parts on the immensely popular TV shows Fantasy Island and Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, and she made her silver screen debut in Skatetown USA which, incidentally, was also Patrick Swayze’s first film. Dorothy parlayed these small successes into a leading role in a disastrous Canadian film called Autumn Born where she played an innocent youth who is kidnapped and abused by her deranged uncle. Next, she would land the starring role in Galaxania, a sci-fi parody, poking fun at the space opera genre that had blossomed in the 1970s. And then she got her big break. In January of 1980, film director Peter Bogdanovich visited the Playboy mansion to chat with his close friend, Hugh Hefner. Dorothy recognized Bogdanovich from a roller disco party they had attended a few months earlier so she approached him and they spent the rest of the evening cavorting. At some point during their long conversation, Bogdanovich decided that Dorothy should audition for a role in his upcoming film. He would later admit, “I took a small part that was in the picture and had an idea to expand it, and put an entire plot line in, all because of her.” This was great news for Dorothy but it was an even bigger deal for Hefner. Up until 1980 Hollywood had kept Playboy Playmates at arm’s length. Bunnies could appear in B movies or cheap sexploitation films but real cinema was reserved for
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real stars. If Dorothy Stratten could land a leading role in a film directed by Peter Bogdonavich, girls all over the country might begin to see Playboy as a legitimate path to Hollywood stardom. Hefner recognized Dorothy’s importance to his empire so he named her Playmate of the Year for 1980. On top of being the first Canadian to accept the honour, she also received $25,000 in cash, a Russian fur coat worth $65,000, and a new Jaguar. They began shooting her Playmate spread in late 1979 and finished in early 1980, just in time for Dorothy to begin work on Bogdanovich’s new movie They All Laughed. Filming began that March in New York City. Snider wanted to make the trip across the country with his wife but Dorothy refused, citing the need to concentrate on her work as an actress. In truth, she had become close with Bogdanovich during the audition process and she wanted the personal and professional relationship to flourish. She checked into the Wyndham hotel when she arrived in New York but it wasn’t long before she was spending most of her time in Bogdanovich’s room at the Plaza. Snider must have suspected something was up because he began calling the hotel incessantly. It got so bad that Dorothy was forced to have his calls screened. When he couldn’t get through to his wife, Snider took to harassing the hotel staff. During a break in filming, Dorothy returned to Los Angeles for the public announcement of her selection as Playmate of the Year. At the climax of the ceremony, Hefner invited Dorothy onto the stage to give her acceptance speech. She thanked a long, long list of people but Snider wasn’t one of them. Many people who attended the event would later comment that Dorothy did not want Snider to be there. It was clear that their relationship was coming to an end. Filming resumed on They All Laughed and Dorothy returned to New York. The incessant phone calls from Snider continued too. A few weeks later, she wrote her husband a letter explaining that she needed some space but he was unwilling to accept it. The harassment intensified. Unsure of how to react, Dorothy took the drastic measure of closing their joint bank account. Shortly thereafter she sent another letter informing her husband that she was seeking a separation from him. Snider responded by hiring a private detective to determine if Dorothy was having an affair. Filming wrapped on They All Laughed in July of 1980 and Dorothy returned to Los Angeles. She rented a modest apartment in Beverly Hills to keep up appearances but in reality she had moved into Bogdanovich’s Bel Air mansion. She wanted to keep a low profile until her marital situation with Snider was resolved. On Friday, August 8th the beleaguered couple met for lunch at a restaurant in Hollywood. It did not go well. Dorothy admitted to the affair and told Snider that she was in love with Bogdanovich. They were both in tears. Dorothy
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introduced the notion of a financial settlement as part of the separation but their opinions differed vastly on what that sum might be. When the lunch ended, it should have been the last time they ever saw one another. Sadly, it wasn’t. The following Sunday, Snider invited the private detective he had hired to attend a barbeque he was hosting in his backyard. The detective was still spending his days tailing Dorothy so he assumed Snider wanted some information about his wife. Instead, Snider asked the detective if he would buy a machine gun for him. The detective refused. A few days later Snider was looking through the classifieds and came across an advert selling a Mossberg 12-gauge pump shotgun. He phoned the owner, drove to the San Fernando Valley and bought the weapon with cash. On Thursday, August 14th, Dorothy met with her estranged husband to discuss the details of their divorce one last time. The private detective followed her from Bogdanovich’s mansion to Snider’s house and watched her enter the basement suite at 12:30 PM. That was the last time anyone saw her alive. The shell of the 12-gauge entered Dorothy Stratten’s face above her left eye and killed her instantly. Police determined that her body was moved after death. Blood was found on the bondage rack prototype that Snider had built and failed to sell. Bloody hand prints were found on her buttocks and left leg. Dorothy had been sodomized. Snider’s dead body was found at the foot of the bed with strands of blonde hair clutched in his right hand. The shotgun blast had entered Paul Snider’s right cheek and exited the back of his head.
I
t was Hugh Hefner who broke the news to Peter Bogdanovich. He didn’t take it well. In fact, Hefner was so concerned by the drastic reaction to the tragic news that he sent an aide to Bogdanovich’s home to ensure that the bereaved man didn’t take his own life. In the days that followed the murder, Bogdanovich arranged for all of Dorothy’s family — mother, father, stepfather, brother, and kid sister Louise — to come to Los Angeles so they could attend the funeral and pay their respects at Westwood Memorial Park. Bogdanovich vowed to help the entire Hoogstratten family in any way he could but specifically he promised to take care of Dorothy’s little sister, Louise. Also, he told them that he would begin writing a book about Dorothy’s life as soon as post-production on
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They All Laughed was complete. Bogdanovich spent the next few months in the editing suite watching Dorothy on screen, alive and well, laughing her way through his movie. Hefner thought the experience of seeing this video of her everyday may have driven him “a little crazy.” When he finally completed They All Laughed the studios wanted nothing to do with the film. Who in their right mind would release a light-hearted romantic comedy starring a woman who had been brutally murdered by her estranged husband? So, Bogdanovich bought the negatives back from the studio for $5 million dollars and distributed the film himself. He did not have the benefit of an advertising budget. The film was a box office disaster. Back in Vancouver things were deteriorating for the Hoogstrattens too. Dorothy’s mother, Nelly, was overcome with grief. Intervals of incessant weeping with long bouts of silence were causing her marriage to crumble. Meanwhile, Louise was struggling to adjust to the eighth grade at Banting middle school in Coquitlam. The loss had made her sombre and aloof. Her classmates noticed. In 1981 Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story was released. It was a cheap TV movie starring Jamie Lee Curtis which felt like a ‘too-soon’ exploitation of a tragic death. Bogdanovich and the Hoogstratten family sued the film’s producers for using excerpts from Dorothy’s unpublished memoir without their consent. In light of their collective emotional turmoil it made perfect sense when Bogdanovich invited Nelly and young Louise to move down to Los Angeles, take up residence in his mansion, and help him write the book about Dorothy’s life. But when they arrived things got weird. Bogdanovich bought the Hoogstrattens new wardrobes and enrolled them in tap dancing classes. He arranged for Louise to undergo plastic surgery to repair her protruding jaw. Inexplicably, the 12-year-old’s nose was also altered during the procedure. Childhood friend Julie Fisher told People magazine, “You can see in the snapshots I took of us over the years. She has a new nose now. More like Dorothy’s.” Nelly and Louise stayed in the Los Angeles mansion for a year before moving back to Vancouver in 1982, but Bogdanavich remained a part of their lives long after that. According to Playboy’s Elizabeth Norris, Bogdanovich had a phone installed in Louise’s bedroom in Vancouver so he could speak with her every night before she went to sleep.
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When Louise had a vacation from school, she would visit Bogdanovich in Los Angeles. Sometimes her mother would travel with her, sometimes Louise would go alone. In late 1983 another film depicting the life and murder of Dorothy Stratten was released called Star 80. It seemed less exploitative and was more well received than the first biopic but it made the odd creative decision to focus on Snider instead of Dorothy. After watching the film Bogdanovich became determined to set the public record straight. His book The Killing of the Unicorn: Dorothy Stratten was released in 1984. It was immediately panned. The negative reception was predictable because the book’s release coincided with the emergence of rumours about a romantic relationship between Bogdanovich and Louise Hoogstratten. Cindy Adams in the New York Post wrote, “I know you know Dorothy Stratten was the 1980 Playmate whose lover was Peter Bogdanovich. What you might not know is Dorothy had a sister, Louise. What you for sure don’t know is Louise’s new beau is Peter Bogdanovich… Louise is a teenager.” The fallout from Bogdanovich’s book wasn’t over. Upon learning that he had been portrayed as a central cause of Dorothy’s death, Hugh Hefner was hospitalized with a stroke. On April 1st 1985, Hefner called a press conference to correct the record. While at the lectern he used a few choice words to discredit Bogdanovich. “There was pursuit
of Dorothy’s entire family… followed by the seduction of the sister as a pathological replacement of Dorothy that has continued from that time to the present.” Bogdanovich and the Hoogstratten family brought a $5 million dollar slander suit against Hefner for having insinuated that a sexual relationship took place. Curiously, the suit was dropped as soon as depositions began. Hefner suspected it was because they didn’t want the truth to come out. The depositions remain sealed. Two years later Louise Stratten made her silver screen debut in a Peter Bogdanovich film with the mind-boggling title: Illegally Yours. It was roundly savaged by critics and largely ignored by audiences. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, one might identify this flop as the end Bogdanovich’s career as an A-list Hollywood director. He made other films but they never received the critical acclaim of his early work. It’s possible that rumours of a sexual relationship with the teenage sister of his murdered lover damaged his professional reputation. On December 30th 1988, Peter Bogdanovich and Louise Stratten were married. He was 49 and she was 20. None of Louise’s family members were in attendance. The small ceremony took place at the Wedgewood hotel in downtown Vancouver, less than five kilometres from the Dairy Queen on East Hastings where Paul Snider met Dorothy Hoogstratten 10 years earlier.
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THINGS 6 62 2 ARCHIVE
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 3 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
*Comments are marked with the commenter’s initials. archive’s are in pink.
Left page: 806 Nick Routley
Commenter of the Month
SARA BYNOE Sara has been called a “social do-gooder” and a “mover and shaker” by the local media. She is a fixture of Vancouver’s alt comedy scene. For over a decade she’s hosted and produced super fun shows like Teen Angst Night, Say Wha?! Readings of Deliciously Rotten Writing, and Novelty Act.
785
Katie Nanton
SB: If you frequent Main Street you know a dog named Yoda who travels in a sidecar. The dog above is NOT Yoda. This is a fake! Goodness, have we’ve reached the state where famous dogs in Vancouver are being impersonated? Is NOTHING sacred?! (If this is Yoda, damn, you are looking GOOD!) W W W. A R C H I V E. L I V E 6 3
SB: Self portrait.
SB: Naked self portrait.
: I didn’t expect to see so much bush in your naked self portrait, Sara.
In order from top to bottom 750 Kaili Lampert 639 Sam kerR
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638 Paulette Sheldon
SB: A rare sighting of siamese-triplet deer. Yeah, it’s a thing.
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SB: Public Service Announcement: In the city of Vancouver If you own a dog that is not a French bulldog you will be fined. Also, I really want to own a dog that has it’s tongue sticking out permanently. No lie.
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In order clockwise from top right
SB: Come on, guys, you can take better photos of cats. The Internet does it all day long.
655 Ashley Keller 689 Ashley Keller 655 Ashlynne Adebahr
Don’t be fooled by their adorable fluffiness; when you die alone in your 500 square foot apartment they will eat your face.
Left Page In order from top to bottom 716 Kaili Lampert 717 Sam kerr 631 Cameron Macleod 666 Sam kerr
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650
Blarg House
Left page In order from top to bottom 700 DougLas hadDow 750 Cameron Macleod 724 Kaili Lampert
SB: Old nightclub, put a bird on it, a dog camping, and old van — I just need a photo of a latte to get hipster bingo!
: Hey now, be nice. That van is someone’s home.
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SB: A new campaign from Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
SB: Half full or half empty? Who cares? It’s one of the few free things left in this town, enjoy it!
In order from top to bottom 677 Victoria Black 790 Blarg House
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SB: I can’t be the only one who thinks this fork’s shadow is sexy. Just me? Oh god, I’m so lonely.
In order from top to bottom 661 DougLas hadDow 675 Jari Deutsch
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In order from top to bottom 750 Katie Nanton 673 Courtney Leeming
SB: Remember when our money wasn’t plastic?
: If you’re exchanging your car for a bunch of hundred dollar bills that are rolled up into coke straws, you have a problem.
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In order clockwise from top right 750 Sam Kerr 640 Sam kerr 750 Jaclynne Mary
SB: Try to picture the person who got out their pocketknife and tore into this tree’s flesh to create this. They definitely have dreadlocks and white skin.
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674 Megan kwan
SB: Must. Not. Get. In. To. A. Conversation. About. Cultural. Appropriation.
Right page In order from top to bottom 682 700
74     A R C H I V E
Kaili Lampert Kaili Lampert
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603 Nick Routley
SB: Now with the a photo of poutine, I bid you adieu. Well done, Vancouver. You’ve taken photos of things. Some were better than others but these were all better than so many others uploaded to the app. Can you imagine the photos that were not included in this issue? I’m imagining photos of discarded Compass cards in gutters or dirty toe nails. Yech. Don’t give up! Your photos of things will get better. I believe in you. I sincerely believe that you will get better over time just like we all do. Except for that one guy, you know who he is.
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In the next issue I hope to see new things like fluffy pomeranians with their tongues sticking out, bicycles locked in bike racks in terrible placements,* dirty sneakers thrown over wires, empty tallboys in Dude Chilling Park, sushi in the shape of Japanese cartoon characters, broken umbrellas in garbage cans, Tinseltown mall, sunflowers growing in community gardens, yoga mats on the beach before a morning bootcamp, and all the other things we love and hate in Vancouver. *You know, when they put a rack up against a wall. Ugh, who does that? You can only use one side of it and barely fits two bikes.
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BASED ON A TRUE STORY
K ids,Drugs,
a nd NaziAliens B Y B I L LY B O W Y E R
“We should do some acid,” I said. It was a Monday night in fall of 2001 and the three of us were in my dorm room at UBC. Our plan was to drive to Victory Square, track down a drug dealer, and hope like hell that he had what we wanted. Dispensaries didn’t exist back then so the dealers in Victory Square functioned as a last resort for stoners in Vancouver. I had been offered weird drugs when scoring weed down there a bunch of times before so acid wasn’t totally out of the question this time. Plus, we had been drinking all afternoon so the details didn’t really matter. Our mode of transport was my grandfather’s 1992 Hyundai Sonata. I was drunk so I had to be extra cautious behind the wheel. Calm, suave, responsible. I kept it below the speed limit and took back streets most of the way. My focus on the speed limit and rules of the road was so complete that I didn’t notice the flashing lights as I took a left off Cornwall onto the Burrard Street bridge and arrived at a VPD roadblock. “Good evening, this is a sobriety road check. Have you had any alcohol to drink tonight?” said the police officer. “No.” I lied. “It smells like alcohol in your car.” “These two are pretty drunk.” I gestured at my friends.
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“I’m just giving them a ride home. I’m the designated driver.” The police officer scrutinized my face for emblems of deceit. He narrowed his eyes and said, “Drive safe.” We drove through the downtown core without further incident and arrived safely at Victory Square. In those days, the park seemed sketchy as fuck so I instructed my friends to stay with my grandfather’s car while I went to get the drugs. It was a short walk across Hastings Street and up the hill to the top of the park where a congregation of industrious young men were loitering. A guy with a spider-web tattoo on his neck noticed me looking at him and said, “Weed? Smoke?” “Have you got any acid?” “Four hits for 20.” A smile spilled across my face as I pulled the cash from my pocket. The dealer whistled through his teeth and made a two-finger gesture at an unwashed tweaker wearing an Oilers jersey who was seated on a bench across the park. He said, “Go see buddy on the bench.” I walked across the park and sat down beside filthy Oilers guy. He handed me a tiny Ziploc bag that was full of crystallized white powder. I looked at it and said, “The fuck is this?” “That’s meth.”
“I didn’t ask for meth,” I said. “You want weed?” “No, I bought acid.“ “I don’t have any acid.” I marched back across the park to the congregation of drug dealers and approached the guy with the spider-web tattoo on his neck. He was mean-mugging me. I said, “I think there’s been some kind of mistake. This is meth.” “And?” “I wanted acid.” “You get acid from the boys in Pigeon Park. Everybody knows that.” “Well, I want my money back.” “All sales final, dog.” The dealer pulled a half-smoked cigarette out of a ratty box and lit up. His coworkers encircled me at a proximity that hinted at violence. I’m not a brave or combative man so I walked back to my grandfather’s car with a bag of crystal meth in my pocket. When my friends asked me what happened I criticized the drug dealer’s lack of professionalism and disregard for customer service. It was a setback but our collective disappointment only seemed to harden our resolve. This was no time to quit. We walked two blocks along Hastings to Pigeon Park and continued our search for acid. Back then, a major problem with trying to buy drugs at Pigeon Park at night was the dealers didn’t really stand out from the rest of the people. It was hard to know who to talk to. Our solution was to canvas the area. Most people played dumb, a few were offended by the question, and a small number accused us of being undercover police. Eventually, we found a guy who claimed to have acid in his hotel room. We followed him a couple of blocks to a hotel off Columbia Street and passed through the lobby. The dealer led us up to his room and closed the door behind us. He got down on his knees and pulled the bottom drawer out of a cabinet, revealing a hidden chamber beneath where he stashed his drugs. We exchanged cash for the acid and ate it immediately. Success tasted like chemicals. All of a sudden time was against us. We had about 30 minutes to get my grandfather’s car back to UBC and break into Nitobe Gardens before the drugs kicked in. It was definitely doable but we didn’t have time to dick around. We ran back to the Hyundai. Traffic was sparse. We hit every green light. The road seemed to open up and usher us through the downtown core. Everything seemed perfect until we neared the middle of the Burrard Street bridge and I saw the flashing lights, again. In my excitement, I had driven us back into the exact same roadblock that we had encountered on our way downtown. This was quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve done in my entire life. It’s well known that the God of Bad Luck has a dark sense of humour so I wasn’t surprised when the cop who waved us
up to the checkpoint was the same one who had questioned us the first time around. He recognized me instantly. The officer didn’t ask any questions. He ordered me out of the vehicle and performed a field sobriety test, which I promptly failed. Moments later I put a big number on the breathalyzer. They impounded my grandfather’s car, suspended my driver’s license for 24 hours, and wrote me a ticket for driving while impaired. Shit got extra real when he dug his hand into my pocket and found the tiny Ziploc bag of crystal meth that I had inadvertently bought in Victory Square. I was alone in the back of the paddy wagon when the acid kicked in. The first thing I remember feeling was the cold metal handcuffs tight against my wrists. I yawned. My face felt itchy but my hands were secured behind my back so I rubbed my cheek against the wagon’s coarse metal interior. It was dark and nothing happened for a while. Minutes or an hour, I had no idea. Time became an abstraction. I really wanted a cigarette. And a piss. And then, mercifully, the paddy wagon started to move.
“Time became an abstraction. I really wanted a cigarette. And a piss.”
— The door swung open and flat white fluorescent light flooded into my eyes. We were at the police station. They walked me to a processing kiosk and dabbed my fingers with blue ink and rolled them across the blotter. I saw fractals in the fingerprints. I saw fractals in everything: the particle board, the cubicles, the laminate, the cop’s uniform, his badge. Everything. They escorted me to a holding cell, thrust me inside, and shut the door. It was a hollow concrete cube with a small drain in the centre of the floor. No windows and no bench, just one light in the middle of the ceiling that wouldn’t stop buzzing. I was alone. Then I heard it. The screaming was faint at first but it grew louder. It wasn’t screaming of pain, it was rage, and it was getting closer. The door to the cell swung open. The man was large, well over six feet, with a shaved head and cloudy blue eyes. His face and shirt were wet with blood and his knuckles were
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Based on a
True story Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. We pay for any story that ends up in print. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@ elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
KIDS, DRUGS, AND NAZI-ALIENS
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BASED ON A TRUE STORY —
beaten raw. He was visibly intoxicated. The door closed behind him and he resumed screaming. He kicked the door with the base of his foot, repeatedly, and then pulled off his shirt and threw it on the ground near the drain. That’s when I noticed the swastika tattoo on his chest. The Nazi was drunk like a teenager. He made lots of noise but he wasn’t forming any words and, although dramatic, the door-kicking was certain to accomplish nothing. He was like a muscle car in neutral with the driver’s foot on the floor. The engine was redlining but the car wasn’t going anywhere. Then he stopped. The drunk Nazi went silent, stood motionless and stared at the wall with a confused look on his face. His lips parted like he was about to say something deep and melancholy but no words came out. Instead, he smiled. A trickle of urine flowed from the cuff of his jeans, pooled at his feet, and streamed towards the drain in the centre of the floor. I couldn’t believe it. This drunk, shameless, antiSemite was pissing himself right in front of me. When he finished urinating, the Nazi wandered to a corner of the room, collapsed in a pile on the floor and fell asleep. I didn’t sleep. I hallucinated instead. The blue swastika on the drunk Nazi’s chest appeared wet and scaly. Every breath of his gargantuan chest changed the tattoo’s appearance. Swastika became a Burton Snowboards insignia then the Carolina Hurricanes logo. The room itself began to swell and shrink in rhythm with the Nazi’s breaths. His face elongated and his nose holes grew flaps and his eyes moved toward the sides of his head. Jagged teeth filled his mouth. I became convinced that the drunk Nazi was an alien, probably a large grey. I closed my eyes and kept them shut. At 5 a.m. a police officer opened the door and set me free. Outside, the air was moist, the wind salty, and I could finally have a fucking smoke. I rode the bus from Waterfront station back to UBC, staring out the window at passing trees and buildings and shape-shifting reptiles. The acid hadn’t quite worn off. I got off at the bus loop and pondered my insignificant position in the universe as I wandered back across campus, past the libraries and down the path to the Nootka building. Everything seemed so big now that I wasn’t trapped in a cell. The vastness of the world and the harmony of nature and the beauty of life and the lack of drunk Nazis. It all seemed so perfect. Back in my dorm room, I lowered the blinds and cracked the window and climbed into bed. No chance I was going to class. I needed to sleep this one off. Just as I closed my eyes there was pounding at the door. Someone shouted, “Wake up! We’re under attack. We’re under attack. Wake up!” I walked down the hall to the common area where a group of guys were huddled around the TV. It was September 11, 2001.
M O N T H LY
BEERS i SUN
551 Doug Haddow
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BEERS i SUN Monthly
Monthly is a category that will change every issue. It could be tattoos, the beach, cats, or black and white photos. Its purpose is to make each magazine different. For August we chose Beers and Sun for reasons that need no explanation. I hope you enjoy the spread. Starting today, the new monthly category is Dogs of Vancouver. In the next issue this space will be devoted to your four-legged companions. Let’s find out who has the most popular dog in the city.
: I’m in this picture. That’s me in the back jumping head first into the water. The fat guy in the middle is my friend Friedrich. Fifteen years ago he played rugby for UBC. His body was sculpted out of marble. What I’m trying to say is enjoy your youth while it lasts because Father Time remains undefeated.
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805
Leanne Fuhr
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541 Aleesha Sangha
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732 Steven Hu
: Chilling a six pack in the shallows as I kick back beside the river is one of my favourite parts of camping. The cold water is nature’s fridge. One downside to camping is nature doesn’t have WiFi. There are no Pokémon in Ucluelet.
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Leanne Fuhr
: When I was a kid I didn’t know that the pool at Kits Beach was full of salt water. I thought it tasted that way because it was full of piss. Turns out we were both right.
In order from top to bottom 695 Nicola Pender 586 Marshall Brome
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SALLY ELVIS WONG PROFESSIONAL REAL ESTATE AGENT • 職業地產代理人 Investment Property Yoda • 投資地產界的“尤達大師”
Investment Opportunity for Any Budget. Why live in a van down by the river when you could live downtown, steps away from historic Stanley Park, in a luxurious cube truck?* We need to face facts, a four hundred square foot junior studio apartment is simply an unobtainable extravagance for most young professionals. But, that’s why you climb the real estate ladder one rung at a time. In Vancouver the first rung on that ladder is a stylish parking space in an excellent location. The dream of home ownership is alive for a new generation of Canadians. A dwelling never feels small when the price per square life is YOURS. Realty Associates
*Cube truck not included in sale price.
不管您經濟情況如何都不容錯過的投資良機。您並不需要露宿於大 溫市外的偏僻郊區 － 這項位於市中心史丹利公園社區內的“豪華小 貨車＊”停車位是您溫哥華買房投資的第一步。 身在溫村，我們必須面對事實：一間400米的迷你公寓並不在大多年 輕買主的購買能力內。但地產投資就像爬樓梯一樣 － 您可以從最 優惠的項目起手，一步步製造您的財富。住在溫市，這第一步就是這 個物美價廉的優質停車位 這個機會是溫哥華中等階級擁有私人住宅夢想的最佳實現良機。不 管個人空間欠佳，這終究是您擁有市內立足之地的最好機會。 （＊ 小貨車不包括於售價內）
Information You Need to Know PRICE
$24,000 per parking space
DEVELOPER
Peebus Group
AREA
Downtown Vancouver
BEDROOMS
0
BATHS
0
SQ. FT.
28
YEAR BUILT
2016
MLS
P3N156969
IN YOUR MOUTH
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with David Stansfield It’s a fact: summer is the best. Other seasons have their upsides. Autumn has sweaters. Spring’s got flowers. And winter has the unrelenting grey reign of depression. But in Vancouver, the summer beats them all. It’s the only season that encourages, even excuses, dedicating entire days to eating, drinking, and getting stoned. In a city fixated on health and fitness, any excuse to do no more than those three things has to be taken. It’s the healthy thing to do. Unfortunately, time is not on your side. We’re into the last days of summer. Though they’re often some of Vancouver’s best, they’re also coloured by the bittersweet spectre of September, October, November, ugh. Here’s a list of one drink, one snack, and one smoke to help you make the most of the good weather.
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SMALL PLASTIC BASEBALL HELMET OF ICE CREAM $ 5 . 5 0/ 2 S C O O P S The Whitecaps claim to have the best sporting atmosphere in Vancouver. That’s cool. But they’re wrong. Nothing beats a Nooner at the Nat. Watching the boys of summer take on teams like the Hillsboro Hops and the Everett AquaSox is almost superfluous to the joy of lounging in Nat Bailey’s hot plastic seats for a leisurely afternoon of eating and drinking. For food, skip the threefoot-long hot dog (unless you eat for the likes), consider the remarkably tasty smoked brisket sandwich from the 3rd Base Food Court, then go for the small plastic helmet of ice cream. Your choice: vanilla, chocolate, or mint chocolate chip. It’s not craft ice cream — so hot right now — but considering the context, it’s perfect.
H E A R T H S TO N E B R E W E RY W Y L D R A S P B E R RY B E R L I N E R W E I S S E $ 1 5 X 4 6 5 0 M L – P R I VAT E S TO R E S Maybe I’m a just another hipster jagoff, but IMO sour beers are the shit. Sour seems like the wrong word, really. The average sour beer is not an Atomic Warhead. It’s refreshingly tart with a brisk hit of acidity generally provided by a judicious addition of the unfortunately named lactobacillus. North Van’s Hearthstone Brewery’s Wyld Raspberry Berliner Weisse is a perfect example. It’s got a serious — and I mean this in the nicest way — raspberry lemonade vibe with a breezy 3.5% ABV making it the perfect all-day summer beer.
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HEADBAND $ 1 1 /G
Getting stoned in the summer means being high in public. Look for a strain that’ll help you relax at the beach without making you feel paranoid that everyone around you knows, man. The slightly premium Headband strain is just the ticket. It’s a hybrid variety that comes from crossing legendary varieties OG Kush and Sour Diesel. The 70/30 Indica/Sativa blend strikes the right balance between brain and body. My hippy neighbour described it as “light and airy with a nice citrus and sour herb flavour.” I put the cheese grater in the fridge after making nachos. Thumbs up. W W W. A R C H I V E. L I V E 8 9
2321 MAIN STREET • WWW.FOXCABARET.COM
All Photos © Lindsay’s Diet www.lindsaysdiet.com
A TWO FLOOR VENUE + NIGHTCLUB IN THE HEART OF MOUNT PLEASANT FOXCABARET 90 ARCHIVE
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
People to See, Places to Go, Things to Do Blueprint 19 Year Anniversary OCTOBER 9 PACIFIC COLISEUM
Vancouver Fringe Festival SEPTEMBER 8 - SEPTEMBER 18 VARIOUS VENUES With over 700 performances of fun, irreverent theatre, there’s bound to be something you’ll enjoy. But if you’re looking for a recommendation, we’ll nominate Cameron MacLeod’s one-man show titled “I Had Sex Until My Heart Stopped”. Spoiler: he didn’t actually die and helped on this issue. www.vancouverfringe.com
Headlined by EDM’s funniest producer Dillon Francis, this is your last chance to dance in your underwear to uhn-tss uhn-tss bangers. Sure, there’ll likely be another one of these blowouts in November, but you’ll freeze your tits off waiting in the line to get into that one. www.thisisblueprint.com
Vancouver International Film Festival SEPTEMBER 29 - OCTOBER 14 VARIOUS VENUES
Peaches SEPTEMBER 28 COMMODORE BALLROOM The last time the iconic performer came to town her back-up dancers wore vagina suits and there was a giant inflatable penis. With that in mind: do you dare miss this? www.bplive.ca
Motown Party Two Year Anniversary SEPTEMBER 30
Over two weeks of some of the best films in the world. But given that last year’s instalment had 370 films, you’re also bound to catch some of the worst films in the world too. It’s like Russian roulette. So do your research. If you’re too lazy for that, stick with films in the ALT programming category and you’ll be safe. www.viff.org
Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun: Unceded Territories NOW - OCTOBER 16 MUSEUM OF ANTHROPOLOGY
FOX CABARET One of the best parties on Main celebrates two years of making you dance to nothing but the best cuts from the golden age of soul music. Hear all your favourite songs selected by two of the city’s finest, Trevor Risk and SlimRoy, as well as special guest from Chicago, Johnny Walker. www.foxcabaret.com
Japandroids OCTOBER 5 - OCTOBER 8 THE COBALT
Simply put: Unceded Territories is the best art show you’ll see in Vancouver this year. We’d know. We’ve been to upwards of three so far in 2016. www.moa.ubc.ca
All Together Now: Vancouver Collectors and Their Worlds NOW - JANUARY 8 MUSEUM OF VANCOUVER
Hometown heroes doing a four night stint in an intimate venue. Your only excuse for missing one of these shows is they’re all sold out, which is inevitable. So get tickets now.
If your partner won’t shut up about your hoarding, you should definitely take them to this show. Everything from glass eyeballs to drag queen outfits to concert posters to pinball machines have been deemed museum worthy by MOV, so those jars of urine you’ve been saving could be in there one day too.
www.timbreconcerts.com
www.museumofvancouver.ca
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WeAreSonsAndDaughters.com
A VANCOUVER CROSSWORD
WITH DICK JOKES
Puzzle by Harrison Mooney. Edited by Merlin Von Duck. ACROSS 1 Stanley Park has a Second and a Third but not a First 6 Home to sexy bears 11 Letters in a Craigslist ad 14 However, to poets 15 Canucks farm team city 16 Mega ___ (Former Kingsway pizzeria that served hemp-fortified pies) 17 West Kootenay town that’s the birthplace of Ray Ferraro and Jason Bay 18 ___ Bear Rainforest 19 Chap 20 Feature film industry in British Columbia 23 Lululemon has four (abbr.) 24 Equipment worn to protect genitals 25 Musical instrument played by Gregor Robertson 26 Where you’ll find your stolen bike 31 Enemy of GI Joe 34 Cantonese dialect 35 Gross blue bottle vodka brand that costs 22 bucks at the BCLC 36 Paper size (abbr.) 37 Type of insect overlord welcomed by Kent Brockman 40 Filming site 42 Directional suffix 43 Trendy Kitsilano juice flavour 45 Bird of prey that’s spotted on Grouse Mountain? 47 Foppish courtier in “Hamlet” 49 Home to The Coppertank, Elwood’s, Darby’s, and drunk UBC students 53 Editor’s mark 54 Linebacker Manti with an imaginary girlfriend 55 Feenie, Pickton and Ford 59 Home to Stanley Theatre, ArtWalk, and the store that keeps getting hit by cars 62 Symbol of Aries 63 Broadcast a second time 64 Endow with a quality 65 Problem for pedos 66 An activist poured this on a reporter at an anti-Fascist rally outside The Railway Club 67 Talent or real estate 68 Cultish techno-utopian convention known for endless standing ovations 69 ___ Sandman 70 Slow, in music
703 Vanessa Herdman
DOWN 1 Facilities at Scandinave Whistler 2 Jetson son 3 Even a little bit 4 Relaxer, like the dude in that East Van park 5 ___ Rosary Cathedral 6 Bench for the Vancouver Canadians 7 Waste away, as muscles 8 Competed 9 Phrase heard while eating dinner at Dark Table, probably 10 Perform cunnilingus, in slang 11 Source of a 2015 spill in English Bay 12 Neither good nor bad, just kinda meh 13 The Sedins, by their own admission 21 Lavs 22 Stats for the Vancouver Canadians 27 Alberta beef grade 28 Neighbour of Ger. 29 Brain folds 30 *N___
31 Cat’s weapon 32 Don’t do this at Wreck Beach, you perv 33 Flowered, as a Japanese Cherry 38 ___ Gateway Pipeline 39 Number of Stanley Cup riots in Vancouver 41 Grind ___ halt 44 Two of Caesar’s last words 46 Place to put 66-across 48 Piece of InSite equipment 50 Thing to do to thine own self 51 Closer to one’s heart 52 Every Canucks Stanley Cup Final opponent has done this 56 Bygone, like days 57 Something to smoke 58 Deal with 59 Simon & Garfunkel herb 60 Hastings Racecourse trot 61 Delicious tortured baby cow 62 Animal unwelcome in Alberta
*BAF burrardartsfoundation
presents
FAÇADE FESTIVAL 2016 in partnership with
2016 SCHEDULE Tuesday, August 30th : Eric Metcalfe Wednesday, August 31st : Barry Doupé Thursday, September 1st : Rebecca Chaperon Friday, September 2nd : Renée Van Halm Saturday, September 3rd : Chris Shier Sunday, September 4th Encore of all artists’ works September 5th Special projection-mapping presentation by Go2 Productions at 8pm and 10:30pm followed by an encore of all artists’ works
LOCATION & TIMES Vancouver Art Gallery Robson Street side (between Hornby and Howe Streets) from 8pm to 12am each evening.
LEARN MORE www.facadefest.com #facadefest @burrardarts
ASCENSIONS OF TIME James Nizam September 8th, 2016 October 22nd, 2016 Opening reception Thursday, September 8th at 7pm 108 East Broadway Vancouver B.C
Frieze, 2016 Lightjet print Mounted to Dibond, 48 x 60 inches
R ADULT COLOURING BOOK Colour this in. Take a picture. Upload it into Things. We’ll print the best ones next month.
“Bob and Gregor Riding a Bike” Art by Justin Gradin. www.justingradin.com
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Top Rated Photo of Them All 982 Blarg House
Blarg House set a record that will never be broken with this photo. A score of 982 is only possible if nobody swiped down. Nobody. You’d expect some disgruntled person who just broke up with their girlfriend to swipe everything down out of spite. Or maybe someone careless would do it by accident. Or what if your
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parents were murdered in a Japanese garden? That would be a down swipe for sure. Doesn’t Blarg House have any enemies? He’s uploading photos under an obviously fake name so there must be someone out there who doesn’t like him. Not a single down swipe. It doesn’t seem possible.