VA N C O U V E R Photos Submitted Between September 24 – October 21, 2016 download the archive app & help make the mag
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Jamie Mann
Archive is Vancouver’s people-powered magazine.
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ARCHIVE MAGAZINE
H OW A R C H I V E WO R K S Our app finds the most popular photos in Vancouver and we publish them in a monthly magazine.
H OW T H E A P P WO R K S
It’s like Tinder for photography. Swipe up if you like a photo. Swipe sideways if you don’t care. If a photo sucks, swipe it down. You can swipe a photo only once, every swipe is equal, and all swipes are kept secret. Each photo is assigned a score based on these swipes. SUBMISSION DEADLINE
There’s a timer in the app that counts backwards from thirty days. When it reaches zero we stop counting swipes, pull the winning photos off the server, and make the magazine. A week later, copies of Archive can be found in cafés, restaurants, and shops across Vancouver. W H AT TO P H O TO G R A P H
There are four categories for your photos: People, Places, Things, and Monthly. People is self-explanatory. If a person is the focus of your photo it belongs in the People category. Places is for photos on a big scale like sunsets, landscapes, beaches, or architecture. Things is for the small stuff like food or animals. If the subject of the photo could fit in your living room, it belongs in the Things category.
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Monthly will change every issue. It could be tattoos, the beach, cats, or black and white photos. Its purpose is to make each magazine different. If you’d like to suggest a monthly category, email it to info@elective.ca. W H AT N O T TO P H O TO G R A P H
Don’t be antisocial. Don’t post nudes. Don’t embarrass people. Don’t upload copyrighted material. Don’t post photos with watermarks. Don’t use the service to try to sell products. For fuck’s sake, do NOT post inspirational quotes. There are lots of ways to be a jerk with a camera, please avoid them all. If you encounter a photo that breaks one of these rules you can bring it to our attention by touching the three dots beside the photographer’s name. We will review it as soon as possible. T H E P H O TO S T R E A M
The default photostream consists of every photo on the network presented in reverse chronological order (newest to oldest). You can refine your stream at any time by touching the sandwich icon in the top left corner of the app. Browse a category by touching People, Places, or Things. If you want easy access to the photos your friends have submitted, touch the Following filter.
L E A D E R B OA R D
Top Photos is a list of the top 50 images based on score. It resets each month. Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a six-page spread to showcase their best photography in the following month’s magazine. CO M M E N T S
We didn’t include commenting in the app because user-generated comment sections often devolve into an orgy of racism and harassment. Instead, we will hand-pick someone from Vancouver each month to provide the text that accompanies the photography in the magazine. That person might be a comedian, a musician, or a bartender. Their profession is irrelevant so long as their comments are insightful, interesting, or funny. If you would like to be the commenter, read the three questions below and send your answers to info@elective.ca. 1. If you could fight one person from Vancouver (past or present, alive or dead) who would it be and why? 2. What is the worst restaurant (or bar) in Vancouver that is secretly good, and why? 3. Use a metaphor or simile to describe how people in Vancouver dress.
T H E M AT H
Photo scores are based on this formula. For context, 1000 is a perfect score, 500 is right in the middle, and 0 is the worst photo you’ve ever seen.
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TRU E STORIES
W H AT S N E W I N T H E A P P
Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. We pay $100 for any story that ends up in print. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of the magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
We removed downvotes and indifferent votes from public view. We made this change because nobody wants to know exactly how many people thought their photo sucked. The app shouldn’t cause sadness. We left the upvotes in because people like likes. And, of course, the photo’s score will remain public. Hopefully this cosmetic change will make the community feel nicer, even if you continue downvoting each other at an Olympic level. We have also introduced photo titles. This feature will help give context to the images on Archive. Titles are a maximum of 50 characters right now but if we find this length too restrictive we will increase it in the future.
F E E D B AC K
Nothing is more valuable than accurate criticism. If you have any comments, complaints, or ideas about how we could make a better magazine or do a better job running Archive please email them to info@elective.ca. I read every message and will respond when I can.
( (
+
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x 1000 + 999
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÷ 2 = photo score
BUGS
If the app isn’t working the way you think it should be working, that’s something we want to fix. Archive is still in its early stages and we want to build the best possible experience. If you notice something buggy, think something could be made better, or you want to get involved in other ways please send an email to info@elective.ca. T H E M AG A Z I N E
Archive is a record of the moments that animate life in Vancouver.
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 5
VA N C O U V E R
ISSUE 03 PUBLISHER
Elective Media Inc.
CTO
Allan Harding allanharding@elective.ca
EDITORS AT LARGE
EIC
Samuel Kerr samuelkerr@elective.ca
COPY EDITOR
Douglas Haddow Michael Mann
John Lucas
DESIGN DIRECTOR
SALES
Karim Kadi
UBC REPRESENTATIVE
Steven Hu
BUSINESS INQUIRIES
info@elective.ca
Matt Coolen
PRINTING PARTNER
Still Creek Press
COMPLAINTS
samuelkerr@elective.ca
ADDRESS
280-1090 West Georgia Vancouver, BC V6E 3V7
416
George vancouver
archiveapp
6 A RCHIVE rchive
www.archive.live
Developed with the participation of Creative BC and the British Columbia Arts Council
the fine jewellery shoppe
www.cavaliergastown.com | 604.681.0047 217 W.Hastings St. | @CavalierGastown
A RCHIVE 7
I S S U E 0 3 | N O VE M B ER
Contents 08 Editor's Letter 10
Staff Picks
22 Adult Colouring Book Art by Nikki Pecasso 336
20 In Your Mouth
Samantha Searle
With David Stansfield
20 Blow It Out Your Ear With Trevor Risk
24 People Comments by the Archive Staff
42 Vancouver is a Lie By Douglas Haddow
47 Places
60 Prank War
Comments by
By Matthew Duphrene
Dusty Baker
74 Top Photographer
62 Things
Paul Plancich
Comments by Bart Batchelor and Chris Nielsen
92 A Vancouver Crossword (with dick jokes)
80 Autumn
Harrison Mooney and Merlin Von Duck
Comments by the Archive Staff
94 Never Trust A Man from Wolfe Island By Nate Coyne
96 Top Rated Photo of Them All
ARCHIVE VANCOUVER IS MADE POSSIBLE WITH THE GENEROUS SUPPORT OF THESE LOCAL BUSINESSES. IF YOU LIKE ARCHIVE SUPPORT OUR FRIENDS.
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Hand Crafted Cocktails & Hand Crafted Sushi $1 Nigiri Specials 5:30PM-7:30PM SUNDAY - THURSDAY 6 POWELL ST. GASTOWN www.di6mond.com diamondgastown thediamondgastown gastowndiamond
Photography by: Louis Alberto Valdizon
293 Robert Huynh
HOW WE CHOSE THE COVER — There are many things to consider when selecting a cover. Is the location iconic? Does the model convey emotion? Does the photo capture more than just that moment in time? Is the composition strong or inventive? Does it have sunglasses? Are the sunglasses cool? What colour are the sunglasses? If you let me borrow those sunglasses I’ll put you on the cover of the magazine, deal? 343
Oliver Mann
Editor’s Letter
You people don’t seem to like people. It’s a bit of a paradox. People tell me the People section of the magazine is their favourite to look at. But photos of people almost always get terrible scores. Expertly composed photographs of beautiful models often get treated the most maliciously, which is a crime. Beautiful people have feelings too. Take the image above this letter as an example. Sixty-five percent of the people who saw that picture voted it down. Unbelievable. Do you have any idea how hard I worked to make my abs look like that? All I eat is chicken breast and I fucking hate chicken breast. Anyhow, this isn’t about me. It’s about you and your hostility for one another. Downvotes are necessary to make the magazine, but they also create some bad vibes. Nobody wants to know exactly how many people think their photo sucks. The app shouldn’t cause sadness. So, in the latest update we removed downvotes and indifferent votes from public view. We left the upvotes because people like likes. And, of course, the photo’s score will remain public. Hopefully this cosmetic change will make the community feel nicer, even if you vindictive sadists continue downvoting each other at an Olympic level. Another thing I’d like to mention is we are thinking of starting a Letters to the Editor page. If you have any questions about life, Vancouver, publishing, startups, what it’s like to be a super-handsome male model with exquisitely chiseled abs, or anything else please send them to samuelkerr@elective.ca and I will answer them in print next month. SAM KERR
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STOCKISTS C H I N AT OW N El Kartel – 104 E Pender St
G A S T OW N The Latest Scoop – 159 Water St Save On Meats – 43 W Hastings St
MAIN STREET Still Life – 2315 Main St Eugene Choo – 3683 Main St
KITS Gravity Pope – 2203 W 4th Ave
YA L E T OW N Small Victory – 1088 Homer St
WEST END Little Sisters – 1238 Davie St
CO M M E R C I A L The Drive Skate Shop – 1997 Commercial Dr
— CHECK OUR WEBSITE OR IN THE APP FOR A LIST OF ALL LOCATIONS.
Once a month, A Better Life Foundation invites some of the cities most renowned chefs to create their own unique spin on diner fare and all for a good cause. The Greasy Spoon supper series is the perfect event to enjoy a uniquely crafted four course menu with all proceeds going to supporting those in the DTES through meal programs, education and employment. Want to help? Visit: www.abetterlifefoundation.ca B
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Photography by: Louis Alberto Valdizon @abetterlifefoundation | @saveonmeats
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Archive Staff Picks Each month we happen upon photos that we absolutely have to feature. Whether it’s because we’re sick of the sunset photographs or the photo is simply too great to pass by, here are the photos we just couldn’t let go.
Are there only rad transformers or are there shitty transformers too? Like, does their home planet of Cybertron have it’s very own Prince George, full of rust buckets that get high on low grade Energon in the woods? S CO T T LYO N
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649
Dylan Doubt
2321 MAIN STREET • WWW.FOXCABARET.COM
All Photos © Lindsay’s Diet www.lindsaysdiet.com
A TWO FLOOR VENUE + NIGHTCLUB IN THE HEART OF MOUNT PLEASANT FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
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A RCHIVE S T A FF P ICK S
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Oh no. There is nothing sadder than a tuxedo cat in a cone. It’s the ultimate humiliation for a proud animal. Look I am sorry you have to go through this, but maybe if your mouth wasn't absolutely filthy and you weren't too stupid to know you shouldn’t lick your wounds, you wouldn’t have to wear the cone. Regardless, get well, lil guy! MICHEAL MANN 1 4 S ta f f P i c k s
Zane Cushing
PSF LAGER | #SILVERCAN PARTIAL PROCEEDS GO TO SUPPORTING SALMON CONSERVATION IN BC
@postmarkbrewing | #EnjoyYourPostmark
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 1 5
Every gold leaf gilder in Vancouver had to work overtime to help complete the lobby of the Trump International Hotel & Tower, which is really coming together nicely. Not pictured: the pitchfork-wielding mob that has formed outside our city’s newest and bigliest landmark, and is currently burning effigies of the 45th president of the United States. Sad! MICHAEL MANN
1 6 S ta f f P i c k s
500
Janet Hoffar
It is said that Captain George Vancouver wore a badge on his jacket when he returned to London after exploring the Pacific coast of North America. That badge allegedly read: Fuck Blind People. A wastrel named Thomas Pitt took umbrage at the sentiment of the badge and confronted Captain Vancouver on Fleet street by saying, “My son is blind.” To which Captain Vancouver responded, “For heaven’s sake, sir, don’t fuck him. You’re his father.”
500 Andrew Latreille
- Ancient Vancouverite proverb SAM KERR
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A RCHIVE S T A FF P ICK S
415 Ty Findlay
Finally, someone took it upon himself to start feeding the pigeons. Maybe this will help rebuild their decimated population. Does this guy also water invasive knotweed in his spare time? SAM KERR
1 8     S ta f f P i c k s
919 Granville Street www.studiorecords.ca @studiogranville
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You turned my waltz through the park on a grey afternoon into an untold pleasure. I didn’t notice you at first, but when you broke through that scrum and drove that flanker headfirst into the dirt, I couldn’t look away. Thank you! I love your energy! D O U G L A S H A D D OW
2 0 S ta f f P i c k s
Janet Hoffar
518 Carson Ferguson
The problem of qualia is one of the great unanswered philosophical riddles of the modern age. It underpins the difference between understanding the world objectively and the fact that our surroundings must be experienced through the filter of our senses. If the subjective character of experience is unique to every individual then it must also be true of other animals. Take the example of the dog attempting to use a computer in the above photo. What is his subjective experience? I suspect it’s something like, “This Dell is a massive piece of shit.” SAM KERR
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I took this photo. It's now in the magazine even though only 18 of you buttheads voted for it. The rest of you hate pigs. DAV I D S TA N S F I E L D
2 2     S ta f f P i c k s
David Stansfield
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Kristina Kim
Last Month’s Winner Colour it in. Take a picture. Upload it into Things. We’ll print the best one next month.
373 Leanne Fuhr
Art by Rhek
24 Archive
R ADULT COLOURING BOOK “Tits Out for Christy”
Art by Nikki Pecasso
Bonercandy69
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 2 5
with David Stansfield
In the 1987 season one finale of 21 Jump Street, Jason Priestley as Tober, a teenage member of the gang/band KKK (Klean Kut Kidz), describes October best: “It’s when everything dies!” As we move into the twilight of fall, it bears mentioning that death and food go together like PB&J. We eat to live, sure, but the things we eat are eating us. Fat, guts, salt, skin: the best bits are often the worst offenders. It’s why after sundown Gandhi ate only fruit and nuts. Good for him. Won’t work for me. I snack like I masturbate: after my wife goes to bed, and with both hands. The ascetic life is admirable, and a killer way to expose fat-shrouded abs, but to me it seems like no life at all. I’ll fast when I’m dead. Here are three things to enjoy in the meantime. Mezcal Los Sietes Misterios Pechuga $223.15 - Legacy Liquor Store Mescal gets a bad rap. It scares people. In Under The Volcano, Malcolm Lowry’s great, boozy novel about a man, the Consul, drinking himself to death over the course of a day—he knows he’s going to die when he makes the switch from tequila to mescal. It’s worth it, though. Mescal’s delicious. It’s tequila’s cooler sibling, like tequila that smokes. One of the best is Mezcal Los Sietes Misterios Pechuga. It’s made by triple distilling Espadin agave with seasonal fruits and spices, and a raw turkey breast. The turkey is hung by its ribcage in the neck of the still, and the distillate steams through it, giving a finished mescal that’s equal parts smoky, fruity, and salty. This one’s made just once a year in very limited quantities. Pick up one of the just 624 bottles at Legacy Liquor Store or sample it at Cuchillo on Powell in Railtown. Look for the glowing neon skull.
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David began his wine career as a teenage cellar hand 20 years ago. Today, he works as an independent sommelier for Vancouver Urban Winery, Tap & Barrel, Cuchillo, and Bestie. He is a co-host of the popular Sunday School wine school. He also drinks beer.
Fresh Oysters Starting at $2.60 per oyster - Joe Fortes I don’t fish or hunt. It’s not a philosophical thing. I’m just lazy. It means someone else kills my food for me. Except for oysters. I kill each and every one of those filthy filter feeders I can stomach and feel like an apex predator for doing so. Oysters are a primal food. Alive when you eat them. Killed by the act of consumption. Pried from their shells then devoured whole along with their briny liquor. It’s little wonder they’re associated with sex—the little death. When I eat to kill, I like to do so in style. Skip anywhere that uses fishing nets as décor. Instead, pull up a seat at Joe Fortes old school oyster bar, order a glass of champagne and a pint of Guinness, then sate yourself on the sweet, salty flesh of fresh oysters.. Purely Medicinal THC Capsules $3 per capsule - Various locations My least favourite party conversation is the one where everyone compares their Highest They’ve Ever Been anecdote. Mine includes a high school dance, edibles, and the grave certainty that I was dead on my feet shuffling through a MuchMusic Video Dance purgatory. While I no longer enjoy getting that high, you might. It is Halloween party season, after all. Be careful out there, though. Control your dose through Purely Medicinal’s THC Capsules. My hippie neighbour suggests the high-strength 60–80mg option but cautions, “Take one then wait. Trust me, it’s working.”
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 2 7
BLOW IT OUT YOUR EAR with Trevor Risk Local man describes everything terrible about the music business in Vancouver.
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re you a misogynistic sociopath who thinks women should be kept as pets? Well, friend, you might have what it takes to join the music industry. There are no tests or requirements. In fact, if you wanna be in the music industry, all you have to do is follow these easy steps: 1. Want to be in the music industry. 2. Say you’re in the music industry. I’ll give you a second to do it. There you go. Now you’re ready to go out on a Saturday night, find a polite, young woman, convince her that you can make her a star, and gear up for several months of dangerously problematic exploitation all just barely within the confines of the law. Let’s profile these bottom-of-the-middle-class industry men. Do they sport a handkerchief as a pocket square or sunglasses after the sun goes down? How about making ambiguous references to “connections” ad nauseum? Is their in-house producer a Smash Mouthlooking motherfucker in the suburbs who works out of his garage on weekdays and takes care of his two miserable children on the weekends? Does he spend more time at “networking events” than actually working? Is he wearing a pashmina scarf? Does the deal he asks you to sign give him ownership of not only your music, but rights to any modeling work or acting you potentially might do until the end of time? Has he started more than one social media company that invents hashtags? If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, congratulations. You’ve found a music pimp. The North American music pimp originally came from the hills of Los Angeles, but he was imported to Vancouver right around the time Lillix signed to Madonna’s label,
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Maverick. These shitbags can be found on Granville Street on the weekends, usually posing at the Cellar, asking every hot bartender with tattoos if they sing or play guitar. This might come as a surprise but he doesn’t actually care if they sing or play the guitar. So let’s go to the phones. Who in Vancouver has run into one of these miserable jizz muppets? “My sister once had a guy actually ask her to suck his dick in return for some industry contacts,” says a preferred-not-to-be-named Vancouver singer. “An A&R guy who wanted to work with my band once told me, unsolicited, about the main thing he looks for in an artist he wants to sign,” reminisces Adam Fink, a professional drummer of 20 years. “He said if he hears a nice voice first thing he would do is check and see if she has a nice ass and if he would want to fuck her. This was more important to the vetting process than actually listening to the music, if he did even listen to the music. Made me puke in my mouth and hate the music industry. We never worked with him.” “Last year I was supposed to work with quite a big producer in the Canadian scene. He was literally signed on to work on my record and we were sending song demos back and forth,” fondly remembers Sadie Campbell, a Vancouver chanteuse . “Then, fast forward to him playing at the Commodore Ballroom with his band a few months later—he asks if I would like to come and of course I say yes. So, my boyfriend and I are like 'Awesome a night out. Fun.' and we go to get the tickets at will call and there’s one… with a backstage pass. It was a little awkward but I sloughed it off. I used to work at the Commodore so I got my bf in no problem. After the show we both went backstage and the producer was super weird—I'm assuming because I brought my bf— and just like that, I never heard from him again.”
Jamie Mann
“I broke off a four-year project with a producer who wanted me to sign a ‘360° contract’ in which my creative and professional sovereignty would thenceforth belong solely to him. Like, if I sneezed he'd get a percentage of it. It was preposterous. I was sent this contract on the first night of a publicity campaign and was told to sign it ASAP to ‘get the ball rolling’. It already was, given that our music was being premiered by a solid media outlet,” recalls another anonymous Canadian singer. “The friends and professionals I consulted were horrified by what this guy had proposed in writing, and when I told him that I wouldn't sign it because made me uncomfortable and didn't reflect my values on any level, I was told that I'd ‘shown my cards,’ but that soon enough I'd see his and that I'd be sorry,” This whole thing isn’t new. We’ve been doing it since we made an industry out of entertainment. Thing is, nobody seems to care. You hear stories of what MGM did to Judy Garland during the filming of Wizard of Oz: pills, body shaming (or whatever the 1930s term for “body shaming” was. Probably something like “gobble piping”), sexual assault, calling her a “fat little pig with pigtails”. Now we accept it as commonplace that musicians are told to “tighten up” their bodies so they can “kill it” on social media. When, in actuality, young women are sent to fat camp in preparation for a shoot in Catholic schoolgirl outfits—this actually happened to a local group. These parasites who act like gatekeepers to a life of fame and artistic accolades are still out there, and they’re collectively still driving the business. They want a pet pop star they can parade around in public, while also doing backflips (read: forced gross sex stuff) in private. Think about that the next time you’re at the Roxy seeing some wonderful angel sing her little country heart out for a “showcase”. I’ll bet you can figure out which guy in the room is her piece of shit music pimp now that you know they exist.
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 2 9
Last Month By The Numbers Photos by
P E O P LE
P L AC E S
TH I N G S
M O NTH LY
TOTA L
TOTA L S
310
502
295
171
1278
P E O P LE
P L AC E S
TH I N G S
M O NTH LY
TOTA L S
4,882
10,135
4,685
3,753
23,455
3,859
6,755
4,024
2,471
17,109
13,691
20,016
14,213
7,812
55,732
22,432
36,906
22,922
14,036
96,296
Votes
TOTA L S
H I G H E S T SCO R E
Operating System
TOTA L S
75 9
LOW E S T SCO R E
I OS
A N D RO I D
74.5%
25.5%
Providers
TOTA L S
Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a sixpage spread to showcase their best photography in the following month’s magazine. Rank
Name
Avg. Score
35
AV E R AG E SCO R E
332
S H AW
TE LU S
RO G E R S
B E LL
43%
24%
17%
16%
Congratulations to Jeff FitzGerald on winning a spread in next month’s magazine. If we don’t get ahold of you, please email info@elective.ca
Rank
Name
Avg. Score
1
Jeff FitzGerald
680
6
Janet Hoffar
569
2
Chris Barker
672
7
Ben Williams
565
3
Dylan Doubt
643
8
JoAnna Rickard
563
4
Tim Barker
615
9
Nicol Spinola
559
5
Kristina Kim
602
10
Luc Frst
546
30 Archive
PROUD PRINTER OF
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 3 1
PEOPLE 3 2 P e opl e
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 3 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
Commenter of the Month
A R C H I V E S TA F F
344 Art Pohl
When you work on a publishing schedule you find out that people are unreliable. This month, the professionally funny person we asked to supply the commentary for the People section didn’t show up to work. So that responsibility fell onto the Archive staff. We apologize in advance.
: First, you figure out a cool way to introduce yourself, then you rehearse it over and over in your head until it’s perfect. Then you work up the courage to approach her, but when you arrive she gives that young Winona Ryder on a swing look and you end up saying, “Eggplants have nicotine,” and you have no idea why.
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Dylan Maranda
533 Robert Huynh
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 3 3
393 Art Pohl
407 Arjun Hair
380 Arjun Hair
: This was way, way cooler five hours ago when I was still high on shrooms. But now I’m locked out of my house, freezing cold, and grade six starts tomorrow.
369 Oliver Mann 3 4 P e opl e
368 Tara Borg
Dylan Doubt 644
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 3 5
628 Oliver Mann
387 Tara Borg
3 6 P e opl e
479 Blarg House
602 Luc Frst
558 Evan Kital
483
Kristina Kim
391 Andy Traslin
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493 Alison Boulier
: A massive windstorm hit metro Vancouver last week, downing trees and leading to power outages across the region. It also left one area man in a constant state of autumnal euphoria that doctors say will now be a permanent condition.
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: I think it’s tasteless to dress up as the little girl from Schindler’s List for Halloween, but somehow this lady pulls it off.
Jamie Mann 406
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442
Dylan Maranda
433
Ksenia Dempster
4 0     P e opl e
370
Katie Kerluke
469 Christine McAvoy
449 Elle Bryson
: “I feel like I took a shotgun blast to the head,” says the girl with the Nirvana tattoo.
: A man’s home is his castle. Unless he lives on a boat, in which case, his boat is his castle, I suppose. In any case, make sure to hide your liquor when he comes to shore because these boat people are hella thirsty.
444 Chris Barker
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398 Lauren Tetreault
475
JoAnna Rickard
4 2 P e opl e
482 Tara Borg
494 Alexander Supersteve
: Oh, thanks man. I was just thinking it’s been way too long since I’ve had an allergic relation.
370 Robert Huynh
587
Dylan Doubt
: “These streets aren’t made for everybody. That’s why Gregor made bike lanes.” - Cookie Lyon.
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521 Oliver Mann 394 Robert Huynh 4 4 P e opl e
454
Dylan Maranda
413 Oliver Mann
: “I'll tell you how to deal with these losers. We build a wall and make the clowns pay for it.” *Huge applause*
393 Alex Mercier
405
Sam Kerr
4 6 P e opl e
467
Danika McDowell
463
Katie Armstrong
531
Kristina Kim
369 Tara Borg
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Vancouver Is A Lie.
— BY D O U G L A S H A D D OW
48 Archive
The great anarcho-feminist Louise Michel lived the last 17 years of her life with a bullet stuck in her skull from a failed assassination attempt. Known as the Red Virgin among her comrades, she drove an ambulance carriage for the Paris Commune of 1871, and was deported and imprisoned for her revolutionary activities.
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n accomplished essayist and novelist, she once said that “Every society invents the failed utopia it deserves.” Michel had never visited, let alone heard of Vancouver, but her words couldn’t be more appropriate in describing the current state of this city’s generalized malaise. The meaning of her words point towards the function of utopia within the political imagination. How with every new generation comes an earnest belief that they alone have discovered a universal solution to the problems faced by humanity. But the Utopian dream is always an unreachable one, always subject to the gravitational pull of hubris and the conflict between wants. There will always be an insurmountable gap between the world they dreamed of and the one they actually created. For Vancouver and those who call it home, the utopian dreams of their city have been tied up in real estate ever since the bottom fell out of the commodities market in the early ‘80s. In the opening paragraph of his book Dream City: Vancouver and the Global Imagination, urban planning expert Lance Berelowitz says “Like the most vivid of dreams, the city is reinventing itself: something curious, perhaps even miraculous is happening here.” This is the sort of post-spiritual hymn that echoes through the hallowed minds of those who fantasize about doing the Grouse Grind while sitting in their Evo during rush hour on a Wednesday. If such people do indeed exist outside the great fiction of real-estate marketing. It’s the sort of persistent cliché that people resort to when they have nothing interesting to say about Vancouver; a line that resonates far stronger with the narrow reality of branding than it does the
actual day-to-day business of living in this city. Regardless, Berelowitz’s characterization strongly echoes the vision of those who transformed Vancouver into the live-in piggy bank it is today. For the average citizen, our dreams tend to be far more modest. They include an affordable mortgage, or if you’re a genuine idealist: being able to flip your condo for a profit and flee to Bowen Island. Some just have dreams of a place to sleep at night that isn’t subject to the elements. But for most of us, the enduring dream is to find a decent apartment at an amenable rate. These are not the fevered dreams of a Parisian revolutionary, but the dreams of a medicated chinchilla trying to maintain a modicum of comfort in a gradually contracting cage. I’ve surfed the edges of this dream only to get sucked down into the tidal pool of gentrification again and again. The creature comforts of stable housing revealed to be but a mirage after getting unceremoniously ousted from apartment after apartment for progressively spurious reasons. The first time it happened, I didn’t even know what a renoviction was. I was living in a heritage building right downtown with nine-foot ceilings and exposed-brick walls. A stone’s throw from Hermès, Louis Vuitton, and other out-of-reach amenities, its main draw wasn’t the B-grade shopping experience provided by Robsonstrasse, but the rent, which was roughly 25% of my income at the time. Then one day my absentee landlord sent an email from his three-bedroom townhome in Toronto’s prestigious Forest Hill neighbourhood. “You need to leave next month, I’m renovating,” it said. And It made sense. The wood floors
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were chipped to shit and the walls were swarming with increasingly bold mice, the basement teeming with rats. So I left without argument. The second renoviction was more sinister. This time it was a ground-level suite in Mount Pleasant. It had 10-foot ceilings and a lovely private courtyard garden. It wasn’t as cheap as my previous place, but it was still doable. Then in the middle of the night someone decided to set the building on fire. By the time I awoke to find a warm glow near the dumpster outside the bedroom window, my fear of a grim death was already drowned out by the impending anxiety of having to turn to the Craigslist rental section. The police mentioned arson, but there were never any suspects. Luckily for the owners the resulting damage was purely cosmetic, but again I was told, you must leave—now—because we have to renovate. The third time it happened I was more savvy. I watched as the inspectors filed into my building, followed by the developers with their charming smiles and slick attaché cases. The building had beautiful antique stained-glass windows, so naturally it was a target for a boutique redevelopment firm. I couldn’t afford the 70% rent increase they suggested, so I took my payout and headed further east. When I try to claw back all the faded memories of that apartment, all I can see are the stainless-steel appliances, marble counters, hardwood floors, in-suite laundry, and absolutely stunning bathrooms that supplanted them. While I sometimes felt that I was being individually persecuted by the powers that be, it’s now a universal fact that renovictions have become a ubiquitous experience for renters in Vancouver. As Michel suggests, all utopias must fail, and they must fail in their own unique way. The root of Vancouver’s failure is twinned with its success. Like real-estate prices, rental prices have also become wholly separate from reality of income. While many landlords are happy to spark bidding wars amongst their desperate potential tenants, others have been busted by the police for offering sex-for-rent arrangements. The situation has gone from decadent to depraved and the city and province were forced to take action, implementing a 15-per-cent transfer tax that targets foreign nationals, requiring licenses for Airbnb rentals, and a
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variety of regulatory reforms that suggest the jig is up. It now seems that endless real-estate speculation and development is being decoupled from the destiny of this city. Canada’s National Bank has predicted that home prices in Vancouver will drop 20% in the next year, while Royal LePage has issued a report stating that Vancouver's housing market has seen its “last hurrah”. There is now a fin-de-siècle mood haunting the streets of Vancouver and it is utterly delicious. You can see it in the hungry eyes of all the precociously employed real-estate agents as they jog past you on the sea wall. You can read it in the slimming pages of the countless publications that rely on condo ad-buys. And you can also taste it in the food. Specifically, the fresh iceberg lettuce, umami-enhanced patty, and teriyaki paratext of the city’s finest hamburger. No, I’m not talking about the restrained French take on the American classic on view at Au Comptoir or Stackhouse’s ostentatious dungeness crab burger. I’m talking about Hamburger $2.85, the best goddamned burger in Vancouver. Hands down. If you think otherwise, you’re on the wrong side of history. So hold the caramelized onions and spare me your brioche bun. Pan-searing is for class traitors and I have no time for your notions of texture or herbaciousness. I am not worried about the provenance of the beef—but what the beef represents. Not only is Hamburger $2.85 cheap, tasty, and conveniently located on the corner of Howe and Pender, but its stark branding is a shining beacon of light in the murky fog of predatory speculation that has gripped this city since Expo 86. The burger’s metaphorical power is rivalled only by the context in which you interface with it – the shadows of the city’s strangest new high-rise development: The Exchange. Billed as AAA office space that combines “European technologies with a West Coast aesthetic", The Exchange is being built by Credit Suisse, the bank of choice for the world’s tax-shy global elite. If the name rings a bell it’s because Credit Suisse has been in the news an awful lot lately. You may have heard that it became the first bank in more than a decade to admit to a crime in the US, costing them US$2.5 billion in penalties for helping wealthy Americans evade their taxes. Or maybe you read the recent news
V A N C O U VER I S A L IE
Vancouver Province newspaper July 3rd, 1976.
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The Vancouver Stock Exchange was such a morally-vacuous pit of snakes that it earned our city the reputation of being the scam capital of the world.
about how they agreed to pay the Italian government more than 100 million euros in an out-of-court settlement over allegations that it helped its clients conceal illicit income and hide millions offshore. This announcement comes just as fresh allegations pour in from billionaire-turned-Georgian Prime Minister Bidzina Ivanishvili, who claims the Swiss bank lost him untold millions through money laundering and “churning”; a term for the frequent buying and selling of securities that does little to meet the client's investment objectives. Given the Swiss bank’s checkered history, it’s only natural that it would choose Vancouver for the site of its first North American real-estate venture. And even more telling that it would choose the site of the old stock exchange to build on. Few Vancouverites who have had to undergo the nightmare of apartment hunting in this city are aware that Howe Street was once home to a bustling stock exchange. Fewer still know that the Vancouver Stock Exchange was such a morallyvacuous pit of snakes that it earned our city the reputation of being the “scam capital of the world” throughout the 1980s. The exchange, which shuttered its doors in 1999, was home to a uniquely West Coast brand of cowboy capitalism. It was infamous for its penny-stock pump-and-dump scandals, which often involved hyping up gold or uranium mines that had neither gold nor uranium. But other scams hinted at what Vancouver would eventually become. Scams like the Columbia Homogenous Parallel Processor (CHoPP), which was a mining-turnedsupercomputer firm that claimed to be 100 times faster than the fastest supercomputer and was endorsed by Michael Jackson’s brother, Randy, who would later go on to perform on several of Kenny G’s albums. While drawing much ire from around the world for its toxic influence on global markets, the VSE also had its admirers. Namely, grifters, hucksters, and garden-variety
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criminals from all corners of the globe who wanted to make an easy buck or needed to clean dirty money. The VSE was deeply emblematic of the old, pre-Expo Vancouver. a city that had yet to be transformed by the transformative powers of urban transformation. This ruggedly provincial iteration of Vancouver was hard to brand and impossible to market to a global audience looking for a safe place to store their wealth. It was a Vancouver where False Creek was still literally an industrial wasteland, a coastal city of damp walls and damper floors that had 10% unemployment, busted-up streets, broken-down buses and a dreary economy. This was also the Vancouver of spacious homes that were readily available to the working class for an affordable price, a city of robust labour movements and a citizenry with enough sense to successfully block the construction of a freeway through its downtown core. It was a city of duelling dreams and contested spaces. With Credit Suisse’s transformation of the old stock exchange building, time isn’t so much a flat circle, but a twisted pretzel. Unlike the massive demand for residential real estate, commercial real estate tenancy is stagnant and in decline, currently resting at a ten-year low. Slated to be completed in a few months, the building still has only one tenant signed on to move in. From a business perspective, the project is so far ahead of the curve that the curve is still a straight line headed downwards. The current boom in commercial real estate sales and development is predictable, given the public outcry over housing. Empty homes in a city with such a dire housing crisis is an affront to human decency. But scores of empty offices towers illuminated at all hours by LEED-certified lighting? It seems like an fitting window dressing for a flannel-burdened port town that finally achieved its dream of being a world-class city.
P L AC E S
639 Ian Buchko W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 5 3
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 3 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
*Comments are marked with the commenter’s name. archive’s are in pink.
Commenter of the Month
DUSTY BAKER Dusty is best known for taking part in the world’s first ever high five on October 2nd 1977. Baker is also the pseudonym of a software engineer who works in Gastown and would like to remain anonymous.
640 Linnette Alex 5 4 P la c e s
Dusty: I’ve heard that around the corner from Third Beach there’s this secret nostrings-attached orgy beach. Is that true? Or is my Dad a liar and a coward?
614 Alyssa Boobyer W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 5 5
688 Tim Barker
623
Kevin Morse
Dusty: “Third order of business, let’s see. We have $150,000 earmarked to support the rehabilitation of child soldiers in Sierra Leone, or we could use the money something else. Does anyone have any suggesti-” “FIREWORKS! Neeeeeeeeeeext…”
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Janet Hoffar W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 5 7
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Jeff FitzGerald
713
Jeff FitzGerald
5 8 P la c e s
753 Chris Barker
680 Chris Barker
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6 0 P la c e s
674 Tim Barker
702 Chris Barker
706 Evan Kital
652 Ben Williams
Dusty: “Does anyone know how, why, or when the Steam Clock blows? I was walking by the other day and it started hooting, out of nowhere, at 2:17 PM. I can only imagine the mixed up Pavlovian responses of the people who work in the buildings down there. Steamclock is blowing, guess it’s time for lunch, right?” “What are you still doing here, Dusty. We fired you three weeks ago." “I’m so lonely.”
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6 2 P la c e s
Dylan Doubt
657
JoAnna Rickard
622 Ian Buchko
680 Bea Sunga
625 Cody Robinson
Dusty: In an ironic twist, moments before they were swept out to sea, the dreadlocked white twentysomething couple had been listening to that schoolbus accident of a song: Riptide. AND THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE, ALANIS. W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 6 3
690 6 4 P la c e s
Karin Keller
Dusty: Nature doesn’t exist.
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Kristina Kim
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— READER SUBMITTED STORY
M
Prank War By Matthew Duphrene
y best friend is an asshole. I don’t feel that way because he owns a house in Vancouver. I feel that way because he delights in pulling practical jokes on his friends. To be clear, I am also an asshole and it is because of our mutual clownish obduracy that in 2010 we engaged in a prank battle of nuclear proportion. Without painfully documenting the tit-for-tat action that led to the escalation, I will cut straight the gold-medal strike that ended the war. During the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics locals were leaving the city and offering their homes to tourists for astronomical rental prices. Being an opportunist, my friend wanted to cash in on the easy windfall, but he left off renting his home until one week before the games began. Most respectable agencies that handled Olympic rentals were not interested in a new listing so close to the opening ceremonies and refused to enter a contract with him. He decided to turn to a less reputable but more accessible source to herald clients: Craigslist. Being a pragmatic optimist he had also booked a two-week vacation in Sayulita, Mexico to last throughout the games. He needed the money from the house rental to offset the costs of the Mexican vacation, and as his departure date approached he still had not found a renter. All of these things he related to me over breakfast and, as we smoked a joint outside the waffle house, he asked me to take over the operation. This would involve screening prospective renters, showing the space, having them sign the contract, and collecting payment. For this work he would give me 20 percent of the profit over the cost of his mortgage. Being an idiot, I agreed. The next morning was an overcast Saturday and I was given a set of keys and was told that the Craigslist advert for the house had been amended with my contact information, so I should expect calls. Fifteen minutes after my friend left for the airport my phone rang. “Hello?” I said. “Hi, I’m calling about the ad. Are you available this afternoon?” said a quiet, breathless voice. “Sure, I can get you in around one o’clock.” “Great, I’m very excited already. The ad was right up my
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alley. It isn’t big?” asked the prospective renter. “It’s a very good size,” I replied, as my call waiting beeped. “Sorry, I’ve got another call coming in on the other line. I’ll text you the address as soon as I’m off the phone. Look forward to seeing you at one.” I switched to the other call. “I saw your ad. Do you have any time left for this afternoon?” inquired the new caller in a husky voice. “Absolutely,” I replied. “I’ll text you the address, can you come by around one o’clock?” “No problem, I can be there. Should be a fun little afternoon. Do I need to bring anything specific?” caller number two inquired. “Just yourself and your chequebook. There are others coming so it may be competitive.” My call-waiting beeped again. Another potential renter eager to see the house. I had two more similar calls within the next 30 minutes. This was going to be the easiest money I had ever made. The next time my phone rang I recognized the caller ID. It was my vacation-bound friend asking about how the rental process was unfolding. I told him that the house would be rented by this afternoon as I had been receiving calls nonstop since he put my number on the advertisement. He seemed a little too excited as he told me I was doing a great job, that I should enjoy the showings, and giggled as he told me he was about to board his flight. My friend is not a giggler. Two minutes later I received a text message from him that was a link to a page on Craigslist. I clicked it. “M4M. Attractive first timer needs cash fast. I’m not gay but I am desperate. I’ll do anything you want, I like to try new things. I prefer middle aged, hairy men (I’m new to this but I believe the term is bear.) Circumcised is preferable but not a deal breaker. I am 30, 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, blue eyes, and hairy all over. I have a thin cock and large hairless balls. I will host the party at my place so please be discreet when you call. Just mention that you saw the ad and would like to meet up today. Price is negotiable, let’s have a good party. The more guys the better.”
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Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. We pay for any story that ends up in print. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of the magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
My name and phone number were at the bottom of the advertisement. I clicked the “report ad” link at the bottom of the posting and I called my friend. When he picked up the phone I began yelling, “You fucking fuck, fuck you, you fucker.” My vocabulary had deteriorated to two words. “I fucking got you,” said my soon-to-be-erstwhile friend. “I’m not even going to Mexico, I’m in Port Moody visiting my parents for the day. I’ve been laughing all afternoon about the calls you must be getting. I wanted to let it go on longer but I couldn’t hold out. Was it a bunch of sexy dudes, or what?” “Actually they were quite polite,” I said. My call waiting beeped again. “Can you take the ad down now, I’m still getting calls.” “I’ll take it down in a while. I got you good this time, sucker.” I hung up the phone and terminated a few more unknown callers before inspiration struck me. I jumped into my car, raced to my friend’s house and tried the key in the front door. It worked. He had actually given me the keys to his house. Fucking massive tactical error on his part. The unwritten rules of a prank war obliged me to make my next move. I steeled myself to the prospect of the consequences and sent out a group text with his address to all the guys who had called me. My friend’s place was a bachelor’s paradise. The front door opened into a main room that was a cross between a Vegas casino floor and a Best Buy showroom. One entire wall was taken up by banquette seating for 12, with bar height tables. On the opposite wall was a bank of four large flat screen televisions. Many a football Sunday had been hosted there. The other side of the partitioned living room featured two full size, professional quality poker tables and a large back-lit wet bar. I took a seat on the banquette, poured myself a drink, turned on the TV and waited for the first guest. At 1:45 my cell phone buzzed with a message, “Here.” I opened the front door and found a large middle-aged man in a red Polo shirt with receding black hair. I invited him in and introduced myself. After a moment of chit chat I told him that I didn’t think it was right to ask for money, and that we should wait for the other guys to arrive before we started the party. I barely had time to offer him a drink before the doorbell rang and I welcomed the next guest inside. He was younger than the first and bulky but smartly put together
in khaki shorts and a Burberry dress shirt. I could see tufts of dark, curly chest hair beneath his unbuttoned collar. He seemed nervous so I showed him to the wet bar and introduced him to the first guest. The doorbell rang again. The next guest was an outgoing lothario who introduced himself as Bobby. He was broad shouldered, had a head of salt and pepper, and immediately told me he thought I was adorable. The fourth man arrived shortly thereafter. He was dressed in athletic wear, had a strong build with muscular arms, and the jaw of a star quarterback. Now that I had everyone gathered in the living room, I busied myself making sure everyone’s drinks were refreshed. We sat and made small talk for a few minutes before Bobby put his hand on my leg. I thought that would be a good time to make up an excuse to leave so I explained that I was having second thoughts about the tryst and would not be able to go through with it. None of the guys seemed too surprised that I was leaving but they were astonished when I invited them to stay and enjoy themselves for the afternoon without me. I told them they were welcome to the contents of the liquor cabinet and asked them not to trash the place as I wandered out the front door. I sat in my car across the street watching the front door. It remained closed. I ran through the scenarios of what exactly could be happening in my friend’s living room and came to the conclusion that Bobby was probably calling the shots. About an hour later all four men emerged from the house. One of them was carrying a bottle of liquor and Bobby had his arm around the athletic-looking guy. They retreated to their cars and left separately. I walked back across the street and entered my friend’s living room unsure of what I would find. The only markers of carnal pleasure were three used condoms in the bathroom wastebasket, a collection of dirty towels, a musk in the air, and a perfect ass-shaped depression in the vinyl upholstery of the banquette. I smiled and left everything as it was. Before locking up, I put some deep house music on the stereo and turned up the volume. Later that evening I received this text message from my friend, “Why are there used condoms in my bathroom and where is my Belvedere? Did you have a party?” “Me?,” I replied. “I didn’t have a party. You posted the ad. I just let the guys into your place. They sure wanted to party. Did it seem like they had a good time?” He never replied to that text message. In fact, we didn’t speak for two years.
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THINGS 6 RCHIVE 6 88 A Th ings
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 3 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
Commenters of the Month
B A R T B AT C H E L O R AND CHRIS NIELSEN Bart Batchelor and Chris Nielsen are animators who have a sordid history of making really stupid things. They're also known for their amazing ability to write short n' sweet third person bios.
Bart & Chris: If you look very carefully at the machine thingy, you’ll see a die having its fourth dot applied. This is obviously a machine that makes dice. And because this is print, you can't reply, and tell us otherwise. So, we're right. Pretty frustrating, hey? You can't come in here and tell us how wrong we are. That this giant contraption isn't a dice-making machine. Well, sorry, it is.
521 TimBarker
510
Samantha Searle
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445 Bryan Pulgar
626 Chris Barker
Bart & Chris: This is so majestic it could be a book cover. A book about birds. On wires.
Bart & Chris: This is a gorgeous shot, but if you brighten the shadows you’ll see a bunch of serial killers masturbating. Very controversial.
602 Chris Barker
70 Things
458 Lina Lecompte
505
Dylan Doubt
500 Ben Williams
529 Andrew Latreille
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481
Kayla Kerrone
517 Chris Barker
473
Jen Pickle
509 Marc de Montreuil
Bart & Chris: Cool Old Stuff - The Page!
72 Things
537
Katie Armstrong
505 Tyler Logan
Bart & Chris: Someone needs to update their iOS.
587 Carolyn Edgeworth
Bart & Chris: Stair vagina— don’t think about it too long.
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471
Joanna Bailey
465 Tara borg
694
Jeff fitzgerald
535
74 T h i n g s
Joanna Bailey
449
Danielle Kilgour
517
JoAnna Rickard
Bart & Chris: Cue the M.A.S.H. theme song as these animals contemplate how free their ancestors were out in the wild. Except for that happy pug. He’s too much of a cute dummy to remember things.
447 Cam'ron Giles
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482 Elle Bryson
488 Miki Mayo
Bart & Chris: Top Left. Chris quickly realized this was a painting of the moon while Bart struggled with it. As soon as he heard Chris say ‘moon’ he pretended that he knew it was a moon, too. That said, Chris really thinks the goat looks like a man in a suit. Bart’s not seeing that at all.
464 Andrew Latreille
76 Things
493
Kevin Morse
522 Chris Barker
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510 Nicol Spinola
489 Angela Reading
457 Tim Barker
525 Elle Bryson
it’s weird that you like this magazine but you don’t have the app....... 78 Things
602 Cameron Spires
446
Danika McDowell
465 Tim Barker
Bart & Chris: Cat: What?! This isn’t just a cartoon thing? Whales: Always desperate for attention. Snail: Achievement unlocked—climb twig. Chicks: Don’t eat meat—it’s too cute. Large Mouse: Hi! Bugs: Nice use of colour, God. Crow: New opening for G.O.T. All Photos: Way better than our comments.
442 Chris Barker
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Monthly Top Photographer Top Photographer is a ranking based on the average score of a person’s best five photos in a given month. The winner will be awarded this section of the magazine to do with as they please. Last month’s winner was Paul Plancich.
PAUL PLANCICH @pugapaul
W H O A RE YOU AND W HAT D O YOU D O W HE N YO U 'RE NOT TAKI N G P HOTOS?
I work in the Vancouver film industry, love to spend time with my family, and try to travel as much as we can. This summer we went camping a lot. We got to see how beautiful BC truly is. Most of my photographs are taken while traveling or camping. It's a great way to preserve those memories. W H AT K I N D O F C A M E R A D O YO U U S E , A N D G I V E U S A T I P O N H OW T O TA K E A G R E AT P H O T O?
I have a Canon EOS Rebel T3i, but to be honest I use whatever is readily available and that is most likely my Samsung Galaxy s7 edge phone. Most of my pictures are taken on that. My advice is shoot at different angles. I'm usually taking shots while lying prone in the middle of a road or a field. I love low shots with the ground or water present in my photo. Shooting in rainy or overcast days looks great in black and white or grayscale.
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W H O I S YO U R FAVO U R I T E L O C A L P H O TO G R A P H E R A N D W H Y ?
A local photographer from Burnaby, his name is Jaden Nyberg. He really knows how to capture a moment using vibrant colours and the use of reflections. The shading and depth in his black and white photos of cityscapes and architecture are beautiful. W H AT D O YO U L OV E M O S T A B O U T VA N CO U V E R ?
The beauty, we are surrounded by it. Mountains, water, and the endless trees. On a hot summer day, head up to North Van and take a nice hike in Lynn Valley. Take a swim in the river and explore the canyons. It will blow your mind. There is so much to do here and it's all in our backyard. W H AT D O YO U H AT E A B O U T VA N CO U V E R ?
Traffic. I live in Abbotsford and work in Burnaby. They have to figure something out through the Burnaby Lake area. Maybe light controlled on-ramps or take away the HOV lane in that area and use the right lane as a merge-only lane. For now I just find my happy place and keep on keeping on.
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W H AT ' S YO U R FAVO U R I T E P L AC E T O H AV E A B E E R I N VA N CO U V E R ?
A great place to have some drinks, great comfort food, and hang out listening to rock and roll on the jukebox is Jackalope's. Located in Hastings Sunrise, it's the best dive in Vancouver. The vibe is super friendly with an incredible decor. Try the hot sauce. I S T H E VA N CO U V E R R E A L - E S TAT E M A R K E T CRASHING?
I don't know if it's crashing but housing prices seem to be going down and property doesn't seem to be moving as fast. It would be nice to see people making an average wage be able to get into the housing market. D O YO U T H I N K T H E S E A H AW K S W I L L W I N T H E S U P E R B OW L?
Yes, they have a good chance this year. Their schedule is pretty tough and it will be a long road to the Super bowl. If the team can stay healthy and stick to throwing the ball more they'll get there. Wilson is one of the best quarterbacks in the league and with the depths of talent they have with their receivers they should be unstoppable. Go Hawks!
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M O N T H LY
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675 Rachael Buckoski
Monthly
Monthly is a category that will change every issue. It could be tattoos, the beach, cats, or black and white photos. Its purpose is to make each magazine different. Last month we chose Autumn because the leaves were changing and the summer was dead in the ground, never to return. It’s going to rain like this forever, guys, so we might as well move to Williams Lake. For November the new monthly category is Let’s Eat. In the next issue this space will be devoted to pictures of the most delicious meals that this city can muster. We can’t wait to see the photos of fancy ramen, grilled cheese sandwiches, Korean BBQ, fun salads, artisanal doughnuts, specialty sushi, Pokebowls, deep fried Mongolian taco pizzas and whatever else defines food in Vancouver.
: Leaves are kind of like clothing for trees when you think about it. When they fall to the ground, the branches become naked. Autumn is pervert season for trees.
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Jeff FitzGerald W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 8 7
642
Jeff FitzGerald
598 Alyssa Boobyer
8 8 A u t umn
559 Tim Barker
663 Andy Traslin
: Being that I’m colour blind I’ve never really understood the appeal of fall. I mean it’s all just leaves to me, I can’t tell the difference. Come to think of it, choosing me do the comments for this section was pretty inconsiderate.
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Jeanine Solomon
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Justin Veenema
580
Samantha Searle
416 Lauren Tetreault
562
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Jeff FitzGerald
George Vancouver
: Is there anything more annoying than that friend who ‘loves the fall’ because he gets to ‘layer on all the sick pieces’ that he couldn’t wear in the summer? He actually likes the rain. I mean, look at this hipster. Get a fucking life. W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 9 1
561 Miki Mayo
573 Marc de Montreuil 591
: Nothing symbolizes the passage of time like changing seasons. We should cherish every moment with our little ones because they won’t last forever. Right now she’s a little angel, thrilled to hang out with Daddy. But in 13 years the colour orange and the number five will have an entirely different meaning.
9 2 A u t umn
Kayla Kerrone
641
Justin Veenema W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 9 3
A VANCOUVER CROSSWORD
WITH DICK JOKES
Puzzle by Harrison Mooney. Edited by Merlin Von Duck. ACROSS 1 5
Hang ten in Tofino Event that tends to attract D-list comedians 10 Items thrown at Jeff Cowan 14 And others (abbr.) 15 The Aquilinis, to the Canucks 16 No ___ (Naomi Klein book) 17 Waterfront to Richmond-Brighouse* 19 Late wrestler Hart 20 Things to chew on? 21 Bowen Island cove 23 Shits 26 Doc's prescriptions 27 Safeway rival 30 Waterfront to King George* 32 Site of a local gang turf war 34 Tarnish 35 Remove, as a cap 37 "I got ___ to pick!": Kendrick 38 VCC-Clark to Lougheed Town Centre* 42 23-down to 42-down, in U.S. politics 43 Panda of the sea 44 Robinson or Doubtfire 46 Cleansing techniques that use rectal bulb syringes 48 Oft-delayed transit system comprised of the answers to the three starred clues 51 Each 52 Wendy's Bacon Mushroom ___ 54 O.J. getaway car 55 "The League" character who named his nephew Chalupa Batman 56 "___ resolved that..." 57 John or Roach 60 Doing very well (or a potential name for this puzzle) 65 Schlong 66 Muse of poetry 67 7% of all NHL injuries happen here 68 British butt 69 Palindromic principle 70 No more than
LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS
DOWN 1 Part of a min. 2 Acting legend Hagen whose methods are taught in several local theatre classes 3 Campaigned 4 Is he an elite quarterback? 5 ___ attraction, like the World's Largest Push Lawnmower in Enderby 6 Hooters 7 Darth Vader's childhood nickname 8 Seeing dead people is the sixth one, apparently 9 Gets popular on Twitter 10 Pass it to Bulis, e.g. 11 Skid ___ 12 Problem for the Sedins 13 Eli or Peyton, to Archie 18 The last thing Alexander Hamilton did was lose one 22 Like suspects in a Kevin Spacey movie 23 GOP foe 24 Scrutinize 25 Direction of the sockeye salmon run 26 Selfish, as an attitude 27 Tony Stark's alter ego 28 Like a No Frills No Name product 29 Sailor's affirmative 31 Bad thing to do
33 Edgar Martinez has more than any other Seattle Mariner 36 Roast the broomstick, as it were 39 Photographer Rich, who snapped the famous Stanley Cup Riot kissing couple 40 "The Emperor's New Groove" animal 41 "Changed my mind" 42 DNC foe 45 ___-cone 47 Victoria has one 49 Youngest son of that dumbass Sarah Palin 50 Abstract expressionist painter Mark, who said, "I am not a colorist" 53 Stained glass artist Gabriel who did three different commissions for St. Andrew's Wesley Church 55 Hot piece of online writing 56 Evidence of a bedbug problem 57 Sex on a UBC bus bench, e.g. 58 ___ Bud (franchise about a multi-sport dog filmed in Vancouver) 59 Mac alternatives 61 "Road Regrets" singer Mangan 62 Resting place too full for baby Jesus 63 What Mary thought was dangling from Ben Stiller's ear 64 Fat Albert's favourite word
558
Justin Veenema
CHAZ MANDELTON EXPERT REALTOR • 專業地產經理 Yaletown Guru & Mortgage Ninja • 耶魯鎮專家 &“貸款忍者”
Are you dense? The notion that families should live in houses is an embarrassing relic of Vancouver’s ugly past. Face facts, houses are investments now. That’s why so many sit empty. Would you want a pair of dirty human feet walking around inside your TFSA? I didn’t think so. The Peebus Group understands that houses are going the way of snail mail and urban density is Vancouver’s future but red tape and big gubmint have thwarted our benevolent rezoning efforts at every turn… until now. Thanks to the decline of Canada Post we are proud to provide young people with the opportunity to start a life in the new Vancouver Special: The urban-street-level-micro-duplex. 您還不了解嗎？身於溫哥華，一家人必須住在一棟屋子內的觀念已 經十分老舊並不符實況了。現在，一棟房子只能當作投資工具而已。 這就是為什麼溫村空房群集的重要原因。舉個比例吧！您會想住在 您的免稅儲蓄銀行帳戶（TFSA）裡面嗎？當然不會。 這就是為什麼Peebus集團一直以您的現代溫哥華生活未來而費盡 心力，因為房屋住宅在溫哥華實在已經過時了 － 高密度城市生活 才是您的最佳選擇。省市政府一直在打壓我們為您發展的高密度城 市生活構想，但我們還是有辦法為您提供最佳的溫哥華居住選擇。 由於加拿大郵局的衰退，我們得到了一個您實在難逢難遇的天賜良 機，讓本地年輕朋友們可以享受住在溫哥華的最佳人生樂趣。為您 特別介紹：市區路面生活套耬公寓
Information You Need to Know PRICE
$18,888
DEVELOPER
Peebus Group
AREA
Financial District
BEDROOMS
0
BATHS
0
SQ. FT.
6.5
YEAR BUILT
2001
MLS
P3N1501331
PEEBUS GROUP Realty Associates
— READER SUBMITTED STORY
Never Trust A Man from Wolfe Island By Nate Coyne
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olfe Island is an unforgiving piece of land wedged between Kingston, Ontario and upstate New York in the mouth of the Saint Lawrence River. My college roommate was a Wolfe Islander. His name was Jack and he liked to test the boundaries of what was humanly possible. One time at a grocery store, we happened across a 10-kilogram bag of potatoes and I asked him why anyone would need so many spuds. He shot me a look like I’d run over his dog and said he could eat that many in five days, easily. Wolfe Islanders consumed potatoes in bulk, he said. So I bought the 10-kilo bag and we made a bet. As a point of reference, a large fries at McDonalds contains approximately 150 grams of potato. Ten kilograms of potato is the equivalent of eating 66 large fries. To win the
96 Archive
bet, Jack needed to eat what amounted to 13 orders of large fries a day, for five days straight. He finished the potatoes in four days. Jack wasn’t a fat guy either. Quite the opposite. He was about six feet tall with the waif build of a hair-metal rock god, and his lifestyle matched the image. Jack would disappear on multi-day benders and return without explanation. One time, after a four-day absence, he showed up wearing a smock from the UBC Hospital mental-health facility. He acted like we were the crazy ones for asking what happened to his clothes. When Jack first arrived in Vancouver I was renting a house in Kits with a bunch of friends from Kingston. Jack had been working in Banff for the ski season but he had left
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Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. We pay for any story that ends up in print. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of the magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
his job unexpectedly and moved to Vancouver on a whim (more on this later). We had an extra room so Jack took it. Given that we were 19 years old, it only made sense that we celebrate the arrival of our new roommate by introducing Jack to the Granville Strip. Our bar of choice was the Stone Temple, which was popular in those days because highballs cost two dollars until 11:00 and they barely checked ID, so it was full of underage girls. These selling points were so effective that people needed to show up by 9:30 if they wanted to avoid a lineup. We were there at 9:00. I assume that some portion of the readership will judge this behaviour negatively, which is fine. The rest of you can meet me at the back bar for a double Long Island iced tea and a trayful of China Whites. As the evening drew to a close Jack had latched onto a woman. Whatever brand of gold-plated bullshit he was spewing seemed to be working because they left together. They drunkenly flagged a taxi and when the cab driver asked for their destination, Jack cast a debonair eye on his lady and suggested his place. She agreed with a wink. Jack told the driver to take them to 1937 20th Street. It’s important to remember that Jack had just arrived in Vancouver. When the cabbie asked him to clarify if he meant 20th Street or 20th Avenue, Jack didn’t know the difference. He was too busy making out with a stranger to ask for clarification. And when the cabbie double checked that he meant 20th street in West Vancouver, Jack answered in the affirmative because had assumed that West Van meant the westside of Vancouver. They were halfway across the Lions Gate bridge before Jack realized that he was entering a part of the city that he had never seen before. His initial reaction was to accuse the cabbie of taking the long route home to pump up the fare. The cabbie attempted to explain the absurdity of a scenic route to Kits via the North Shore, but a mixture of ignorance about the local geography and 20 Long Island iced teas left Jack undeterred. He asked how much it would cost to get back to Kits and was shocked to learn the amount. Jack was certain the cab driver was ripping him off. He told the cabbie that he only had $20 and would not pay a penny more. The cab driver responded by presenting two options: go to a bank machine and get the money to pay the entire fare or take the matter up with the police.
Jack did not want to see the police (more on this later) so he acquiesced to the cabbie’s demand. But his fight was not over. At that time of night the nearest functioning ATM in West Van was at a 7-11 on Marine Drive. The cab pulled over and Jack went inside the store. He approached the clerk and calmly said, “There is a person outside who is trying to hurt me. Does this store have another exit? I need to get out of here.” The clerk showed him to the back door, let him out, and wished him luck. Then Jack started running. He ran down the lane for a couple of blocks then cut through a back yard and ran down a different side street. He kept running until his legs got tired. Then he started walking up the hill. After a long while walking he found the Upper Levels Highway. The sun was beginning to rise. Jack was exhausted and sobering up quickly so he decided to stick out a thumb in hopes of hitching a ride. At this point it’s important to give you some background on what Jack was doing before he moved to Vancouver. For about four months he had been living in Banff. He took work as a busboy at a hotel restaurant during ski season and developed a pretty serious drug habit over the course of the winter. Ski resorts often struggle to retain their staff throughout the season so this particular hotel developed a system to incentivize loyalty. The tips were pooled at this restaurant. Employees received 85% of their tips at every pay period, but 15% was withheld until the ski season was over. If you quit your job you lost out on the tips. About a week before the end of the season Jack went on a coke bender and stopped showing up to work. All of his coworkers were shocked that he would make such an irresponsible decision right before he was about to receive the windfall of tips. What they didn’t know is before his bender Jack had discovered the code to the manager’s safe and stolen everyone’s money. All the tips were gone. Then he absconded to Calgary to party for a month before moving to Vancouver. After about an hour of walking along the highway with his thumb out, a car finally pulled over onto the shoulder. Before Jack had a chance to get into the vehicle the driver and passenger got out. That’s when Jack realized they weren’t offering him a ride. The two guys who pulled over were his former coworkers from the hotel he ripped off in Banff. The only good news for Jack was that ambulance rides are free.
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 9 7
Top Rated Photo of Them All— Kristina Kim, 759 Archive: If someone wasn’t holding a smartphone in this photo, you’d swear it was a still from Vertigo—easily the best film in Alfred Hitchcock’s oeuvre after Rear Window, Psycho, the Birds, North by Northwest, Strangers on a Train, Lifeboat, and The 39 Steps. Aside from Jimmy Stewart flailing away for two hours, you no doubt remember the famous dolly zoom shots, which capture his acrophobia, but not quite as well as this photo does. If you haven’t seen Vertigo, you’ve seen this now gimmicky technique used in every other student film made from 1958 onwards as well as Body Double, a fantastic tribute to Hitch by Brian De Palma. And if you haven’t seen Body Double or Vertigo, watch the former as it features the Chemosphere House (aka Troy McClure’s home) and Frankie Goes to Hollywood performing on the set of a porno. 98 Archive
364 Rachael Buckoski
W W W. A RCHIVE . L IVE 9 9
100 Archive
525 Arjun Hair