………………………………………………………………….... Has your happy home has turned into a verbal boxing ring?
GET YOUR HAPPY HOME BACK How to fix tween mood swings & come out stronger together
………………………………………………………………….... All images copyright Areti Bratsis Photographer
…..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 1
Have you ever hear yourself say: “I don't know how it happened, but somehow my happy home has turned into a verbal boxing ring?” If your tween makes noises of exasperation, and her temper instantly rises, like mercury shooting up in a thermometer... ...your child may be in the fever of adolescence.
It’s hard to deal with those frustrations every single day as a parent. Surely it makes you angry some days. And sometimes, okay a lot of the time, it shows.But if I you want your kids to learn to self-regulate when they get upset about something, T he answer could be in learning how to control it yourself and letting them know you’ve got it under control.
Tweens go through stages when they don’t like themselves or their family. What they most need at these times is hope. Reassure your daughter that her angst won't last forever. Being there for support throughout these years is key to helping them realize they don’t have to deal with these emotions alone. To a kid that is everything. …..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 2
How do I know this when I am not a parent myself? I’ve spent years observing behavior and family dynamics in my vocation as a professional photographer. I’ve also done my share of research to understand my clients. As my business has matured in the past 30+ years so have the children I photograph. From the terrible twos to the moody tween, from the youthful senior to first time mom. When I can understand what each age represents (in challenges and moods) I can find ways to connect with them in the shortest amount of time and created images which are more than just a visual recording of their face.
So, what about these tweens?
They are often forgotten when it comes to being photographed, but when the are, they are fun, creative, intuitive and full of life. You can literally see them shifting from child to mini- adult and back again from minute to minute. It is FASCINATING! Give them room to express who they are and try on who they want to be and a whole new person emerges. OK. OK. Let’s get back to those mood swings and what to do about them.
// TEACHING YOUR TWEENS TO COPE WITH THEIR “BIG FEELINGS” …..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 3
I asked a group of Mothers what what the most difficult thing they had to deal with as a parent of tween age children. Mood swings and temper tantrums worse than a 2-year old won out every time. “It’s just the age” one mother said, “it’s the hormones!” said another. Nevertheless I have discovered there is a universal feeling of anguish and frustration. To you help navigate through the waters of unpredictable emotions., I’ve compiled a few resources. All of these articles explain why there is a struggle at this age with outbursts and behavior which can be downright disrespectful and rude.
“The problem is that kids often don’t know how to find more appropriate ways to express their desire for independence, accept limitations and learn to comply when necessary. On the other hand, parents may not recognize that their child’s rudeness is often driven by the push for more independence, and is not always meant as a threat to their authority. The child’s intentions really have nothing to do with disrespect. The child, of course, needs to learn how to listen to his parents while finding appropriate ways to seek autonomy and self-direction while the parents need to be careful not to label the child’s behavior “disrespectful to their authority” and take the rebellion personally.” By Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
.
…..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 4
//01:
GET OUT OF THE SCREAMING MATCH “…Yelling turns you into your child’s emotional equal.”
“If yelling worked, parenting would be easy, wouldn’t it? We’d simply shout, “Do it!” and our kids would comply. But here’s the truth: it doesn’t work”.Trapped in a Screaming Match with Your Child? 5 Ways to Get Out Now B y James Lehman, MSW
5 Ways to Stop the Yelling in Your Home and Get Your Child to Listen to You 1. Use Face to face Communication - When you talk to your child, look them in the eye
2. Develop a Look of Positive Regard
- wear a positive look on your face when you talk to your child.
3. Use Structure
- When kids have structure, they are far less likely to challenge every request you make. 4. Talk to Your Child about Yelling- Say this simply and matter-of-factly.
5. Get out of the Argument - get out of it as quickly as possible. Know that when you leave the room, all the power leaves the room with you.
HOMEWORK: Pay attention to how you communicate in the home. Is yelling the norm? The next time your tween starts to yell, simply leave the room. Note what happens when you disengage. Did it help or lessen the conflict? …..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 5
//02: TURN THE DYNAMIC AROUND IN YOUR HOME B Y Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC [Excerpts are noted below - for detailed reading link to the article in full.]
THE BOTTOM LINE: 6 Ways to Deal with Disrespectful Behavior 1. Don’t treat this as a personal attack–even though it can feel that way. - their rude behavior might be an expression of their frustration about their lack of independence 2. Take a self-inventory- see how you might inadvertently be contributing to the disrespect 3. Expect Respect- EXPECT him to comply with your rules and listen to you 4. Behave the way you want your child to behave.- live by your own principle of acting respectfully to your child NO MATTER how he is behaving 5. Choose your battles - His disrespectful behavior is his problem to work out; your problem is what you will and won’t put up with. 6. Ask yourself, “Who owns this problem? - Her rudeness is her problem. The more you are able to act on behalf of yourself instead of in reaction to her, the more she will be able to see you separately from herself.
…..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 6
//03: GOT 5 MINUTES A DAY?
Here is a technique a friend brought to my attention after reading Rachael Herrscher’s article The 5-Minute-A-Day Fix For My Moody Tween. She’s used it on her children and claims it WORKS!
The technique suggests spending real, quality time with your tween for at LEAST 5 minutes per day/per child.
“This was just enough different that I started to notice that she was happier. She was communicating with me better. She was stopping herself before she went over the “sassy cliff of no return”. The eye rolling got less and less. The tension seemed to disappear. And it was all about time. She was finally getting enough of what she needed from me.”
Understanding why your tween freaks out at the drop of a dime, finding coping skills that work and putting them to use will lead to a calmer household, especially during those tender tween years.
PRACTICE VS THEORY Try this technique out for yourself. List a few things simple things you and your tween can do together in 5-15 minutes, every night, Make sure it is exclusively your one on one time. Set an appointment in your calendar or set a timer on your phone.
Hope you found those resources helpful. …..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 7
…..…………………………………………………………………… www.aretiphoto.com 8