Get Your Happy Home Back

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Has​ ​your​ ​ ​happy​ ​home​ ​has​ ​turned​ ​into​ ​a​ ​verbal​ ​boxing​ ​ring?

GET​ ​YOUR​ ​HAPPY​ ​HOME​ ​BACK ​ ​How​ ​to​ ​fix​ ​tween​ ​mood​ ​swings​ ​&​ ​come​ ​out​ ​stronger​ ​together

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All​ ​images​ ​copyright​ ​Areti​ ​Bratsis​ ​Photographer

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Have​ ​you​ ​ever​ ​hear​ ​yourself​ ​say:​​ ​“​I​ ​don't​ ​know​ ​how​ ​it happened,​ ​but​ ​somehow​ ​my​ ​happy​ ​home​ ​has​ ​turned​ ​into​ ​a verbal​ ​boxing​ ​ring?”

If​ ​your​ ​tween​ ​makes​ ​ ​noises​ ​of​ ​exasperation,​ ​and​ ​her​ ​temper​ ​instantly​ ​rises,​ ​like mercury​ ​shooting​ ​up​ ​in​ ​a​ ​thermometer...

...your​ ​child​ ​may​ ​be​ ​in​ ​the​ ​fever​ ​of​ ​adolescence.

​ ​It’s​ ​hard​ ​to​ ​deal​ ​with​ ​those​ ​frustrations​ ​every​ ​single​ ​day​ ​as​ ​a​ ​parent.​ ​Surely​ ​it​ ​ ​makes​ ​you​ ​angry some​ ​days.​ ​And​ ​sometimes,​ ​okay​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​of​ ​the​ ​time,​ ​it​ ​shows.But​ ​if​ ​I​ ​you​ ​want​ ​your​ ​kids​ ​ ​to​ ​learn to​ ​self-regulate​ ​when​ ​they​ ​get​ ​upset​ ​about​ ​something,​ T ​ he​ ​answer​ ​could​ ​be​ ​in​ ​learning​ ​how​ ​to control​ ​it​ ​yourself​ ​and​ ​letting​ ​them​ ​know​ ​you’ve​ ​got​ ​it​ ​under​ ​control.

Tweens​ ​go​ ​through​ ​stages​ ​when​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​like​ ​themselves or​ ​their​ ​family.

What​ ​they​ ​most​ ​need​ ​at​ ​these​ ​times​ ​is​ ​hope.​ ​Reassure​ ​your​ ​daughter​ ​that​ ​her​ ​angst​ ​won't last​ ​forever.

Being​ ​there​ ​for​ ​support​ ​throughout​ ​these​ ​years​ ​is​ ​key​ ​to​ ​helping​ ​them​ ​realize​ ​they​ ​don’t have​ ​to​ ​deal​ ​with​ ​these​ ​emotions​ ​alone.

To​ ​a​ ​ ​kid​ ​that​ ​is​​ ​ ​everything. …..……………………………………………………………………​ ​ ​www.aretiphoto.com​​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​2

How​ ​do​ ​I​ ​know​ ​this​ ​when​ ​I​ ​am​ ​not​ ​a​ ​parent​ ​myself?

I’ve​ ​spent​ ​years​ ​observing​ ​behavior​ ​and​ ​family​ ​dynamics​ ​in​ ​my​ ​vocation​ ​as​ ​a​ ​professional photographer.​ ​I’ve​ ​also​ ​done​ ​my​ ​share​ ​of​ ​research​ ​ ​to​ ​understand​ ​my​ ​clients.

As​ ​my​ ​business​ ​has​ ​matured​ ​in​ ​the​ ​past​ ​30+​ ​years​ ​so​ ​have​ ​the​ ​children​ ​I​ ​photograph.​ ​From the​ ​terrible​ ​twos​ ​to​ ​the​ ​moody​ ​tween,​ ​from​ ​the​ ​youthful​ ​senior​ ​to​ ​first​ ​time​ ​mom.​ ​When​ ​I can​ ​understand​ ​what​ ​each​ ​age​ ​represents​ ​(in​ ​challenges​ ​and​ ​moods)​ ​ ​I​ ​can​ ​find​ ​ways​ ​to connect​ ​ ​with​ ​them​ ​in​ ​the​ ​shortest​ ​amount​ ​of​ ​time​ ​and​ ​created​ ​images​ ​which​ ​are​ ​more​ ​than just​ ​a​ ​visual​ ​recording​ ​of​ ​their​ ​face.

So,​ ​what​ ​about​ ​these​ ​tweens?

They​ ​are​ ​often​ ​forgotten​ ​when​ ​it​ ​comes​ ​to​ ​being​ ​photographed,​ ​but​ ​when​ ​the​ ​are,​ ​they​ ​are​ ​fun, creative,​ ​intuitive​ ​and​ ​full​ ​of​ ​life.​ ​You​ ​can​ ​literally​ ​see​ ​them​ ​shifting​ ​from​ ​child​ ​to​ ​mini-​ ​adult​ ​and back​ ​again​ ​from​ ​minute​ ​to​ ​minute.​ ​It​ ​is​ ​FASCINATING!

Give​ ​them​ ​room​ ​to​ ​express​ ​who​ ​they​ ​are​ ​and​ ​try​ ​on​ ​who​ ​they​ ​want​ ​to​ ​be​ ​and​ ​a​ ​whole​ ​new person​ ​emerges.

OK.​ ​OK.​ ​Let’s​ ​get​ ​back​ ​to​ ​those​ ​mood​ ​swings​ ​and​ ​what​ ​to​ ​do​ ​about​ ​them.

//​ ​ ​TEACHING​ ​YOUR​ ​TWEENS​ ​TO​ ​COPE​ ​WITH​ ​THEIR “BIG​ ​FEELINGS” …..……………………………………………………………………​ ​ ​www.aretiphoto.com​​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​3

I​ ​asked​ ​a​ ​group​ ​of​ ​Mothers​ ​what​ ​what​ ​the​ ​most​ ​difficult​ ​thing​ ​they​ ​had​ ​to​ ​deal​ ​with​ ​as​ ​a​ ​parent of​ ​tween​ ​age​ ​children.​ ​ ​Mood​ ​swings​ ​and​ ​temper​ ​tantrums​ ​worse​ ​than​ ​a​ ​2-year​ ​old​ ​won​ ​out every​ ​time.​ ​“It’s​ ​just​ ​the​ ​age”​ ​one​ ​mother​ ​said,​ ​“it’s​ ​the​ ​hormones!”​ ​said​ ​another.​ ​Nevertheless​ ​I have​ ​discovered​ ​there​ ​is​ ​a​ ​universal​ ​feeling​ ​of​ ​anguish​ ​and​ ​frustration.

To​ ​you​ ​help​ ​navigate​ ​through​ ​the​ ​waters​ ​of​ ​unpredictable​ ​emotions.,​ ​I’ve​ ​compiled​ ​a​ ​few resources​.​ ​All​ ​of​ ​these​ ​articles​ ​explain​ ​why​ ​there​ ​is​ ​a​ ​struggle​ ​at​ ​this​ ​age​ ​with​ ​outbursts​ ​and behavior​ ​which​ ​can​ ​be​ ​downright​ ​disrespectful​ ​and​ ​rude.

“The​ ​problem​ ​is​ ​that​ ​kids​ ​often​ ​don’t​ ​know​ ​how​ ​to​ ​find​ ​more​ ​appropriate​ ​ways​ ​to express​ ​their​ ​desire​ ​for​ ​independence,​ ​accept​ ​limitations​ ​and​ ​learn​ ​to​ ​comply​ ​when necessary.​ ​On​ ​the​ ​other​ ​hand,​ ​parents​ ​may​ ​not​ ​recognize​ ​that​ ​their​ ​child’s​ ​rudeness​ ​is often​ ​driven​ ​by​ ​the​ ​push​ ​for​ ​more​ ​independence,​ ​and​ ​is​ ​not​ ​always​ ​meant​ ​as​ ​a​ ​threat to​ ​their​ ​authority.​ ​The​ ​child’s​ ​intentions​ ​really​ ​have​ ​nothing​ ​to​ ​do​ ​with​ ​disrespect.​ ​The child,​ ​of​ ​course,​ ​needs​ ​to​ ​learn​ ​how​ ​to​ ​listen​ ​to​ ​his​ ​parents​ ​while​ ​finding​ ​appropriate ways​ ​to​ ​seek​ ​autonomy​ ​and​ ​self-direction​ ​while​ ​the​ ​parents​ ​need​ ​to​ ​be​ ​careful​ ​not​ ​to label​ ​the​ ​child’s​ ​behavior​ ​“disrespectful​ ​to​ ​their​ ​authority”​ ​and​ ​take​ ​the​ ​rebellion personally.”

By​ ​Debbie​ ​Pincus,​ ​MS​ ​LMHC

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​ ​//01:​

​ ​GET​ ​OUT​​ ​OF​ ​THE​ ​SCREAMING​ ​MATCH “…Yelling​ ​turns​ ​you​ ​into​ ​your​ ​child’s​ ​emotional​ ​equal.”

“If​ ​yelling​ ​worked,​ ​parenting​ ​would​ ​be​ ​easy,​ ​wouldn’t​ ​it?​ ​We’d​ ​simply​ ​shout,​ ​“Do​ ​it!”​ ​and our​ ​kids​ ​would​ ​comply.​ ​But​ ​here’s​ ​the​ ​truth:​ ​it​ ​doesn’t​ ​work”.​Trapped​ ​in​ ​a​ ​Screaming Match​ ​with​ ​Your​ ​Child?​ ​5​ ​Ways​ ​to​ ​Get​ ​Out​ ​Now​ ​ B ​ y​ ​James​ ​Lehman,​ ​MSW

5​ ​Ways​ ​to​ ​Stop​ ​the​ ​Yelling​ ​in​ ​Your​ ​Home​ ​and​ ​Get​ ​Your​ ​Child​ ​to​ ​Listen​ ​to​ ​You

1. Use​ ​Face​ ​to​ ​face​ ​Communication -​ ​When​ ​you​ ​talk​ ​to​ ​your​ ​child,​ ​look​ ​them​ ​in​ ​the​ ​eye

2. Develop​ ​a​ ​Look​ ​of​ ​Positive​ ​Regard

​ ​-​ ​wear​ ​a​ ​positive​ ​look​ ​on​ ​your​ ​face​ ​when​ ​you​ ​talk​ ​to​ ​your​ ​child.

3. Use​ ​Structure

-​ ​When​ ​kids​ ​have​ ​structure,​ ​they​ ​are​ ​far​ ​less​ ​likely​ ​to​ ​challenge​ ​every​ ​request​ ​you make.

4. Talk​ ​to​ ​Your​ ​Child​ ​about​ ​Yelling​-​ ​Say​ ​this​ ​simply​ ​and​ ​matter-of-factly.

5. Get​ ​out​ ​of​ ​the​ ​Argument​ ​-​ ​ ​get​ ​out​ ​of​ ​it​ ​as​ ​quickly​ ​as​ ​possible.​ ​Know​ ​that​ ​when​ ​you leave​ ​the​ ​room,​ ​all​ ​the​ ​power​ ​leaves​ ​the​ ​room​ ​with​ ​you.

HOMEWORK:​​ ​Pay​ ​attention​ ​to​ ​how​ ​you​ ​communicate​ ​in​ ​the​ ​home.​ ​Is​ ​yelling​ ​the​ ​norm?​ ​The next​ ​time​ ​your​ ​tween​ ​starts​ ​to​ ​yell,​ ​simply​ ​leave​ ​the​ ​room.​ ​Note​ ​what​ ​happens​ ​when​ ​you disengage.​ ​Did​ ​it​ ​help​ ​or​ ​lessen​ ​the​ ​conflict?

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//02:​ ​TURN​ ​THE​ ​DYNAMIC​ ​AROUND​ ​IN​ ​YOUR​ ​HOME ​ B​ Y​ ​ ​Debbie​ ​Pincus,​ ​MS​ ​LMHC [Excerpts​ ​are​ ​noted​ ​below​ ​-​ ​for​ ​detailed​ ​reading​ ​link​ ​to​ ​the​ ​article​ ​in​ ​full.]

THE​ ​BOTTOM​ ​LINE:​ ​6​ ​Ways​ ​to​ ​Deal​ ​with​ ​Disrespectful​ ​Behavior

1.​ ​Don’t​ ​treat​ ​this​ ​as​ ​a​ ​personal​ ​attack–even​ ​though​ ​it​ ​can​ ​feel​ ​that​ ​way​.​ ​-​ ​their rude​ ​behavior​ ​might​ ​be​ ​an​ ​expression​ ​of​ ​their​ ​frustration​ ​about​ ​their​ ​lack​ ​of independence 2.​ ​ ​Take​ ​a​ ​self-inventory​-​ ​see​ ​how​ ​you​ ​might​ ​inadvertently​ ​be​ ​contributing​ ​to the​ ​disrespect 3.​ ​Expect​ ​Respect-​ ​EXPECT​ ​him​ ​to​ ​comply​ ​with​ ​your​ ​rules​ ​and​ ​listen​ ​to​ ​you 4.​ ​Behave​ ​the​ ​way​ ​you​ ​want​ ​your​ ​child​ ​to​ ​behave.-​​ ​live​ ​by​ ​your​ ​own​ ​principle of​ ​acting​ ​respectfully​ ​to​ ​your​ ​child​ ​NO​ ​MATTER​ ​how​ ​he​ ​is​ ​behaving 5.​ ​Choose​ ​your​ ​battles​ ​-​ ​His​ ​disrespectful​ ​behavior​ ​is​ ​his​ ​problem​ ​to​ ​work​ ​out; your​ ​problem​ ​is​ ​what​ ​you​ ​will​ ​and​ ​won’t​ ​put​ ​up​ ​with.

6.​ ​Ask​ ​yourself,​ ​“Who​ ​owns​ ​this​ ​problem?​​ ​-​ ​Her​ ​rudeness​ ​is​ ​her​ ​problem.​ ​The more​ ​you​ ​are​ ​able​ ​to​ ​act​ ​on​ ​behalf​ ​of​ ​yourself​ ​instead​ ​of​ ​in​ ​reaction​ ​to​ ​her,​ ​the more​ ​she​ ​will​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​see​ ​you​ ​separately​ ​from​ ​herself.

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//03:​ ​GOT​​ ​5​ ​MINUTES​​ ​ ​A​ ​DAY?

Here​ ​is​ ​a​ ​technique​ ​a​ ​friend​ ​brought​ ​to​ ​my​ ​attention​ ​after​ ​reading​ ​ ​Rachael​ ​Herrscher’s article​ ​The​ ​5-Minute-A-Day​ ​Fix​ ​For​ ​My​ ​Moody​ ​Tween​.​ ​ ​She’s​ ​used​ ​it​ ​on​ ​her​ ​children and​ ​claims​ ​it​ ​WORKS!

The​ ​technique​ ​suggests​ ​spending​ ​real,​ ​quality​ ​time​ ​with​ ​your​ ​tween​ ​for​ ​ ​at​ ​LEAST​ ​5​ ​minutes per​ ​day/per​ ​child.

​ ​“​This​ ​was​ ​just​ ​enough​ ​different​ ​that​ ​I​ ​started​ ​to​ ​notice​ ​that​ ​she​ ​was​ ​happier.​ ​She​ ​was communicating​ ​with​ ​me​ ​better.​ ​She​ ​was​ ​stopping​ ​herself​ ​before​ ​she​ ​went​ ​over​ ​the​ ​“sassy​ ​cliff of​ ​no​ ​return”.​ ​The​ ​eye​ ​rolling​ ​got​ ​less​ ​and​ ​less.​ ​The​ ​tension​ ​seemed​ ​to​ ​disappear.​ ​And​ ​it​ ​was​ ​all about​ ​time.​ ​She​ ​was​ ​finally​ ​getting​ ​enough​ ​of​ ​what​ ​she​ ​needed​ ​from​ ​me.”

Understanding​​ ​why​ ​your​ ​tween​ ​ ​freaks​ ​out​ ​at​ ​the​ ​drop​ ​of​ ​a​ ​dime, finding​​ ​coping​ ​skills​ ​that​ ​work​ ​and​​ ​putting​ ​them​ ​to​ ​use​ ​will​ ​lead​ ​to​ ​a calmer​ ​household,​ ​especially​ ​during​ ​those​ ​tender​ ​tween​ ​years.

PRACTICE​ ​VS​ ​THEORY

Try​ ​this​ ​technique​ ​out​ ​for​ ​yourself.​ ​List​ ​a​ ​few​ ​things​ ​simple​ ​things​ ​you​ ​and​ ​your​ ​tween​ ​can do​ ​together​ ​in​ ​5-15​ ​minutes,​ ​every​ ​night​,​ ​Make​ ​sure​ ​it​ ​is​ ​exclusively​ ​your​ ​one​ ​on​ ​one​ ​time.

Set​ ​an​ ​appointment​ ​in​ ​your​ ​calendar​ ​or​ ​set​ ​a​ ​timer​ ​on​ ​your​ ​phone.

Hope​ ​you​ ​found​ ​those​ ​resources​ ​helpful. …..……………………………………………………………………​ ​ ​www.aretiphoto.com​​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​7

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