Arkansas Faith & Family (Summer 2015)

Faith & Family ARKANSAS

Summer 2015

Busyness or balance?

Choosing faith over fear: Lessons from Jochebed THE LIFELINE FOR SINGLE PARENTS

The MomTribe: Cultivating friendships of motherhood

FAMILY MEALS: STRATEGIES FOR MEANINGFUL EATING TIMES @ HOME 1 A publication of the Arkansas Baptist News

ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

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ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

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SUMMER 2015 10

FEATURES

Busyness or balance? The choice is yours Consumed by the epidemic of busyness in our world today? Pick up a few tips here on how to put your life in balance.

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Family MEALS: Strategies for meaningful eating times @ home

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Choosing faith over fear: Lessons from Jochebed

Sharing meals together is a great opportunity for families to share their lives together. If you would like some strategies for making the most of your family meal times, look no further!

Who is Jochebed, and what can you learn from her? Moses’ mother, Jochebed, faced a mother’s worst nightmare. And, she chose faith over fear. Learn from her godly example.

MORE ...

5 Trending 6 Post from the editor 7 A merry heart 8 Blessing upon blessing upon blessing: How blessing our children engenders maturity

15 6 biblical reasons to love children 16 The lifeline for single parents 18 How to live on mission as a family 22 Beyond the baby gate: Setting boundaries that lead to fulfillment

26 The MomTribe: Cultivating friendships of motherhood 28 From one working mom to another: Heart to heart

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ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

AMERICANS SEE VALUE IN CHURCH ATTENDANCE The overwhelming majority of Americans say they find value in attending church.

Two-thirds of Americans think church attendance is admirable; only 11 percent consider it useless.

Even among nonreligious people, 80 percent believe church attendance is acceptable, and 43 percent label it admirable. Just 29 percent call it useless.

But despite their professed fondness for church, Americans are more likely to believe attendance is declining (55 percent) or the church is dying (42 percent) than growing (36 percent) or thriving (38 percent), according to a survey of 1,000 Americans conduced by LifeWay Research in September 2014.

“Americans have a much more optimistic view of the people and practice of attending church than they do of the health of the church,” said Scott McConnell, vice president of LifeWay Research. “Church attendance is much like regular exercise and driving the speed limit. People do not live out everything they admire.”

Their attitudes reflect the mixed trends of the past 50 years. While many mainline denominations have lost membership, some have grown. And while more people are Christian today than in 1970, Christians make up a smaller share of the burgeoning population, according to a study from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.

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Faith & Family magazine

Publisher

Arkansas Baptist Newsmagazine, Inc. Since October 2012 when Arkansas Christian Parent debuted, readership and positive reputation of the magazine have grown. More than 100,000 copies of the magazine have been distributed throughout Arkansas.

Feedback about the magazine – a one-of-its-kind publication in our state – has been affirming.

However, with this issue, as we continue to strive to improve our magazine, you will notice a small but significant change. The name of the magazine has been changed to Arkansas Faith & Family. With the name change, we are broadening the reach of the magazine to a wider, more all-encompassing audience.

Also, beginning with this issue, we will be moving to quarterly, rather than biannual, publication. Families need consistent, Christian encouragement and inspiration to navigate the diverse social and cultural times in which we live.

Perhaps never before has there been a greater need for strengthening the family through faith in Jesus Christ.

This edition of Arkansas Faith & Family addresses numerous vital issues, such as choosing faith over fear, dealing with busyness, creating meaningful family meals, setting boundaries that lead to fulfillment, cultivating friendships of motherhood and more.

The magazine is provided free of charge to churches across Arkansas – possible only through the generous support of our advertisers. Please support our advertisers, and let them know you saw their ad in Arkansas Faith & Family.

Enjoy this issue, and share a copy with a new neighbor, a friend – even another family member.

Tim Yarbrough Editor

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ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

Editor

Tim Yarbrough

Special Projects Coordinator

Margaret Dempsey-Colson

Graphic Designer

Jessica Vanderpool

Special Projects Advertising

Heather Baker

Senior Assistant Editor

Jessica Vanderpool

Assistant Editor

Caleb Yarbrough

Administrative Assistant

Jeanie Weber

Business Manager

Becky Hardwick

On the cover:

Family meals are an excellent time to develop relationships with your children.

Read the full article on page 12.

Photo credit: My Make OU/123RF.com

www.arkansasbaptist.org Arkansas Baptist News 10 Remington Drive Little Rock, AR 72204 Phone: 501-376-4791 Toll-free: 800-838-2272 email: abn@arkansasbaptist.org

by Margaret Dempsey-Colson

Look in the mirror.

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ounding the corner of the cosmetics counter in my favorite department store, I almost ran right into her. Seeing her stopped me in my tracks. I wasn’t expecting this!

Who was it that surprised me on an otherwise quiet shopping trip?

Was it a movie actor? A long-ago best friend? A sports superstar?

No, none of the above. It was none other than (drumroll, please) my mother! What was she doing out shopping today? I didn’t know she had plans to be at the mall. We could have met for lunch. (In daughter talk, she could have taken me to lunch.)

And then it hit me. One of those moments that is both startling and sobering. I wasn’t looking at my mother. I was looking at a reflection in a mirror – of me!

love to the youth who had been incarcerated – when the last thing on earth these teens wanted to do was show love to a middle-aged woman.

I hoped I had her willingness to serve, even when doing so was way out of any so-called comfort zone. If anyone needed anything to be done, call my mom. She would do it – if it was teaching Sunday school or preparing a meal or visiting in the hospital or doing yard work for an elderly person ... you name it, she would do it. Even before the days of “speed dial,” I’m sure she was on someone’s selfcreated speed-dial.

Look in the mirror. Do you resemble your parents – perhaps one parent more than the other?

Blue eyes? Crooked smile? Long fingers?

When did that happen? When did I become my mother? I had heard talk of such things happening, but never imagined it would happen to me!

As I reflected on how my physical resemblance to my mother was so undeniable and had seemingly happened overnight, I also realized that I resembled my mother in more than just physical traits. I had more than her green eyes and dark hair.

Musically gifted? A born athlete? Outgoing?

Do you resemble your parents in how they resemble our heavenly Father?

Devotion to Christ? A love for His church? Willing to lead?

Evangelistic spirit? Desire to reconcile? Committed to prayer?

I resembled her in her personality traits. I had her laugh – and her quirky sense of humor. I had her tendency to speak right out, asking questions and offering opinions. (I recalled how she caused me as a teenager to sink w-a-y down in my pew during church business meetings whenever she raised her hand.) I had her go-go-go energy.

I hoped I resembled her in her spiritual traits. You see, she didn’t just resemble her mother or father – or her grandmother or grandfather.

She resembled her heavenly Father.

I couldn’t be sure, but I hoped I had her overflowing generosity to anyone in need. I recalled her sending my dad out of the house on numerous occasions with bags of groceries to someone whose money ran out before the end of the month. And, I had seen her open her wallet right up and give all of the folding money to someone in need.

I hoped I had her fierce loyalty to those she loved (which, to me, seemed to be everyone) – even when the love was not always offered in return. When I was in high school, I recalled her volunteering at a local youth detention center, offering hope, guidance and Christ’s

A Christian song written by Gary Chapman, “Father’s Eyes,” reminds us all that we are called to resemble our heavenly Father. Here’s how this song describes what that family resemblance looks like: “Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around; Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can’t be found; Eyes full of compassion, Seeing every pain; Knowing what you’re going through And feeling it the same.”

The best way our children can know what our heavenly Father looks like is to look at their earthly parents.

Look in the mirror again. What do your children see?

Margaret Dempsey-Colson is pleased when she looks in the mirror and sees her mother’s reflection.

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Blessing upon blessing upon How blessing our children engenders maturity

By Detra Thomas

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n Sept. 23, 1983, my life changed forever. After hours of labor and months of expectation, I held my firstborn child in my arms and looked into his eyes. It was late at night; everyone had gone home, and it was just my newborn son and I.

I knew babies even before I had one. Being the oldest of four children, I was familiar with all things related to caring for and watching over infants. My youngest brother had been in a body cast twice by the time he blew out three birthday candles. I had been a baby sitter for years. I knew diapers, feedings, nap-times, schedules and all things related to baby-care. But as I looked into the eyes of my first child, I was overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility. What should I say to this little round face staring back at me?

As I opened my mouth, these words came out: “Matthew, God has given you to Dad and me. We are going to teach you to obey, and one of these days, God is going to call your name. When He does, you need to say, ‘Yes, Lord,’ and obey Him.” That was more than 31 years ago, and God has since added six more recruits to our training camp. My days were full and overflowing, to the point where I often felt like a swimmer going under for the last time. I needed wisdom, knowledge, understanding – and more diapers and potty-training charts than were known to modern mankind. The only reliable source of those first three things was the Word of God and prayer. As I soon learned, no two children are the same. Each child has different needs, aptitudes and talents. I really wish I could tell you there never were any mistakes or faltering, but that would be 8

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a huge lie. But, God is omnipotent and gives wisdom liberally when we humble ourselves and ask.

Even as I asked, God was providing. One of the greatest tools God gave to Gary and me was how to bless our children. When we strive to bless our children, it creates an environment of love and safety and gives room for mistakes, leading to growth rather than despair. So, in addition to showering our children with words of love, hugs, kisses and lots of good laughter, we have designed three significant times of blessing for them.

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Our first blessing comes on each child’s 12th birthday. We always had simple birthday meals with family and a few gifts in our house, nothing elaborate or fancy. But we make the 12th birthday different. We take the birthday child to a restaurant of choice, and the child orders anything on the menu. At the end of the meal, Gary presents the child with a handwritten Scripture print, personalized as a prayer for each child, framed for display.

Additionally, all of our sons receive keys to the house and car on their 12th birthdays. With these keys comes a charge of responsibility

from their father. They are taught how to turn on the car and the air conditioning. They are told to unlock the house and open the doors for their mom and younger siblings. These are the actions of a man preparing the way for those under his care.

Each daughter, on her 12th birthday, receives three-tiered rings, representing her heart, along with her mother’s and father’s hearts.

When Gary offers the ring, he tells our daughter the necessity of guarding her heart against frivolous relationships, and he asks to hold her heart until time for marriage.

blessing ...

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In keeping with the biblical principle in Matthew 6, where Jesus says what is done in secret will be rewarded openly, our next blessing is a public affair when each child turns 16 years old. We gather family and friends for a banquet to celebrate the making of a godly warrior. It is quite the event and, honestly, one of the more spiritual services our family attends. It is a night of acknowledging the private charge our child was given at 12 years old and the joy we have in watching the child rise to the challenge. Our guests help us bless the birthday honoree by offering words of encouragement and a challenge for the future.

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Psalm 127 gives the visual of our children being arrows to be shot out from their parents’ quiver, so at 21 years old, our sons receive a family ring. As Gary presents it to our adult sons, he tells them we have taught them all we know. It is now their responsibility to carry the gospel to the next generation.

The Scripture reference of the prayer they received at 12 years old is engraved in the shank of the ring.

Each daughter receives a ruby ring when she turns 21, signifying the truth from Proverbs 31 that a wise, godly woman is worth far more than rubies. The ring will be a reminder, on those hard days, that her worth is not determined by her emotions, but by the words of God Himself.

So, why do we offer these blessings when our children are 12, 16 and 21? Our society

acknowledges three milestones in our young adults’ lives, and our goal is to reclaim them as markers of godliness rather than milestones of self-obsession. When children enter their teenage years, they are often encouraged to prolong childhood rather than pursue adulthood. To counter that, we use our children’s 12th birthdays as a platform into godly responsibility.

At 16, most young adults are handed keys to vehicles and told to go out and explore the world and see the sights. Since our boys had keys at 12 and already understood the concept of being responsible, we could now let them go with God’s wisdom of being careful on the roads and guarding their eyes from the traps set by the enemy. They are ready for responsibility because they have spent the last four years embracing, rather than shirking, it.

Parenting is the fiercest spiritual battleground and, as always, there will be mistakes, friendly fire and battles lost. However, we cannot lose sight of the end goal: warriors trained and ready for God’s use in these perilous times.

Before going to bed tonight, offer a blessing to your children. Tell them, “God has great things for you; I’m asking Him to give me wisdom to love and train you to be a warrior for His use.”

The Thomas children

“Our society acknowledges three milestones in our young adults’ lives, and our goal is to reclaim them as markers of godliness rather than milestones of self-obsession.”

In America, 21 is the age when you are encouraged, as an adult, to drink up and have a good time. So, we use this age to celebrate the shooting-out of an arrow made straight and true to impact the next generation.

They enter adulthood trained and ready, disciplined and steady-handed.

If you have a child whose heart is hard and not receptive to your words, ask God to give you grace to see the child’s pain and work toward reconciliation. Pray blessings over your children while they sleep. Whatever and however you proceed, the important thing is to start blessing.

Learning to bless our children has brought great rewards. Gary and I have learned that we are vessels God uses to groom warriors for His work, not owners of subjects that we use to advance our agenda. In showing our children respect, they in turn have learned to show their parents proper respect. Have we disagreed at times? Sure, but when the truth of God’s Word is used as the “absolute” and not the moods or opinions of the parents, hearts can be united.

If Jesus says we are to love our enemies and bless them, how much more should we bless our children?

Detra Thomas lives in Fort Smith with her husband, Gary, and is the mother to seven children who have blessed her by pursuing God on their own. She and her husband founded A Heart for Home Ministries in 1999 – www.facebook.com/ aheartforhomeministries.

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education

household

work

prayer

family

God friends serving social media

sleep exercise

Busyness or balance?

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The choice is yours

By Garrick D. Conner

“I don’t have time for that.”

“I’m running late!”

“I didn’t get to the grocery store. Let’s just grab dinner out.”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? Do you feel there’s too much left undone on your to-do list at the end of a typical week? Did you ever even get around to making a to-do list? If not, you’re in good company.

Busyness is an epidemic in America today. In an effort to meet the ever-increasing demands of our families, our employers and ourselves, we are running at life faster and faster but feeling less productive and more stress. The end result is detrimental to the quality of our physical and mental health, our relationships and our spiritual lives.

Recent surveys indicate a growing number of Americans are on medication for such conditions as high blood pressure, anxiety and depression. While we work longer hours and are more connected – thanks to modern technology – than ever before, our bodies and minds wave the white flag of surrender, begging us to slow down and set some healthy boundaries when it comes to time.

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While stress creates issues for both men and women, unfortunately moms are often among those most stressed from the daily grind of life. A 2014 study by the Barna Group underscores this reality:

• 62 percent of moms with children still at home report being dissatisfied with the balance bet ween work and home.

• 80 percent of moms report feeling over whelmed by stress.

• 70 percent of moms report not getting enough rest.

While these statistics provide a mere glimpse at the undeniable stress in today’s families, Barna found that even with such obvious stressors, most moms described themselves as generally satisfied with their lives as a whole. Somehow that just doesn’t seem possible to me – unless, of course, you accept the fact that being overly busy is the new normal.

Americans’ growing obsession with social media has exacerbated two key issues, especially with women. These are time management and feelings of inferiority. Far too often, that sense of being stuck in the computer time warp is paired with envy over online friends’ latest

vacations and seemingly perfect photos.

More often than not, it’s not just our families who get our leftovers; God does too. As our late nights begin to take a toll on our bodies, it’s easy to oversleep, which can mean skipping the morning devotional and starting a new day already exhausted and running behind schedule.

In his book “Freedom From Busyness,” business and leadership guru Michael Zigarelli writes: “Two thousand years after the Great Physician healed us through the cross, there appears to be an epidemic affecting His followers. Some call it ‘busyness’ – busyness to the point of overload, busyness to the point of habitual hurry, even busyness that’s led to ignoring the Physician Himself.”

The problem of busyness is, of course, multifaceted. However, Zigarelli contends that “our work hours are now far out of proportion with the other things that God desires for us.”

And finding balance in our lives – as believers – essentially means we must reorganize our priorities around God. So what does that mean exactly, especially for us as busy, well-meaning parents? Here are five things you can do to put life in balance:

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1. Protect the time that’s most important.

Make sure you schedule time with God, your spouse and your children. God should be a given every day. But go to the effort to put your spouse’s and children’s names on your calendar. Then if someone needs you during one of your scheduled times, you can honestly tell them you have an appointment. It’s amazing how much more flexible people can become when they know you’re busy too.

2. Learn to set clear boundaries.

Saying, “No,” to some good things is necessary in order to say, “Yes,” to some better things. Don’t let poor planning by others upset your own personal and family life. The reality is that, although you probably can, you probably don’t need to work a full-time job, teach two classes at church, sing in the choir, serve as your child’s homeroom mom, drive carpool to and from soccer practice and volunteer at the charity of your choice. We all know people whose schedules make us cross-eyed.

As a counselor, let me assure you that such busy individuals are on the fast-track to burnout – or worse.

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3. Take care of your body.

Stress is hard on us physically. We often don’t notice the cues that are really alarm bells begging us to slow down. To whatever extent possible, eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water and carve out 20 to 30 minutes a day to exercise. Even a short, brisk walk can help us destress. If you absolutely must multitask, I’d encourage you to use that time for prayer too.

4. Unplug at scheduled intervals.

I know you need your smartphone. But do you really need all those notifications constantly interrupting you? It’s so important for us to set healthy boundaries with regard to our own use of technology because we are role models for our children – and they are watching us! Resist the temptation to keep your phone by your bed. Charge it in another room, so you won’t be disturbed by incoming information all night long. Most of all, make an effort to turn off your electronic devices and

notice the people and things all around you. People often tell me they struggle to hear God’s voice, but it’s usually because there are so many other voices and messages competing for our time and attention.

Two keys to finding balance are a willingness to intentionally surrender every day to God and a resolve to take charge of your time rather than allowing time to take charge of you.

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5. Take time to breathe.

Yes, that’s what I said. Just breathe. Most of us live such hurried lives that we don’t even realize the little things we fail to do. Some of my most difficult clients have found relaxation training to be profoundly helpful and energizing. You’ve probably read articles that talk about our decreased rate of blinking while staring at a screen of some sort.

Well, we also tend to breathe very shallowly when we’re really busy.

Depending on your schedule and commitments, you may need to begin simplifying your life by just not adding more to your plate while you finish current obligations. Sometimes, for the sake of physical and emotional health, more immediate action may be warranted.

Perhaps you feel overwhelmed and don’t even know where to begin re-ordering your priorities. If so, let me encourage you to make an appointment (yes, that also takes time) with a respected minister or counselor who can help. You may even have someone in your church who can serve as an encourager and mentor to you as you seek to make healthy choices for the sake of a more balanced and satisfying life.

Two keys to finding balance are a willingness to intentionally surrender every day to God and a resolve to take charge of your time rather than allowing time to take charge of you.

As you begin setting appropriate boundaries, you can expect pushback from some who have benefited from your “I can do it” mindset. But you can also expect to find surprising freedom in seeing an increase of quality time with those who matter most – especially your family. In the process, you’ll set an example of simplicity for your children. They very much need to know that it’s OK to say, “No,” and set priorities for their own busy lives.

That’s definitely something you can say, “Yes,” to.

Garrick Conner is discipleship pastor at Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. He is also a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist. He and his wife, Michelle, have two children, Jackson and Caroline.

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Family MEALS:

By Ben Phillips

Strategies for meaningful eating times @ home

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hat if I told you that there was a magic bullet – something that would improve the quality of your daily life, your children’s chances of success in the world (and) your family’s health? ... Something that is inexpensive, simple to produce, and within the reach of pretty much everyone?”

Miriam Weinstein describes family meals as that magic bullet to open many doors to success and healthy relationships for families.

If my children eat three meals daily for 18

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years, then they will have consumed 19,710 meals, and a majority of those meals we have the opportunity to eat together. That equates to a tremendous amount of valuable time that can be intentionally used to nurture a relationship with my children and disciple them. Most of the best faith interactions in our family have revolved around meals at our table.

A recent study indicated that teenagers, in families who had frequent family meals

together at home (5-7 times weekly), experienced fewer issues with alcohol abuse, drug abuse and sexual activity. In other words, one of the best time-investments parents can make to keep their children out of trouble is to slow down and eat together around the table consistently at home. Eating together as a family at home is a vitally important activity that feeds healthy communication and nurtures relationships.

The Bible is filled with more than 700

references to feasts and eating – from the original sin of Adam eating the forbidden fruit, to celebrating the many Old Testament feasts, to Jesus performing His first miracle at a wedding feast as well as other miracles, to observing the love feast associated with the Lord’s Supper, to the end-times’ imagery of the wedding feast of the Lamb in Revelation 19:9. The feasts in the Old Testament were associated with a work of God in the life of the Israelites, and they were intended to cause them to reflect on God’s previous blessings, celebrate His provisions in the present and anticipate His support in the future. Jesus served breakfast to the disciples (John 21:12), served large crowds meals (John 6) and had evening meals with His disciples, the Last Supper (John 13). One of my favorite parenting passages is Deuteronomy 6:4-9 where Moses instructed the Israelite community, parents in particular, to talk about Scripture when they “sit at home.” I like to call this “eating time.” We all eat, so why not take advantage of that opportunity to engage in faith interactions around the table?

Most of these strategies involve little or no preparation time. You just have to be intentional to eat together and engage your family in healthy communication around the table.

However, families today seem to struggle in this arena of eating together regularly because of extremely busy lives and the distraction of so many different forms of media.

• Sad/mad/glad: Ask, “What made you sad, mad and/or glad today?”

Les and Leslie Parrott, in their book “The Hour that Matters Most,” correctly emphasize, “Healthy and happy families are the result of deliberate intention, determination, and practice. Every family expert will tell you that a healthy home is the result of a proactive parent.”

• Blessing share: Ask, “How were you blessed during the day?”

To be proactive with your mealtimes, examine your family rhythm and discover the best times of the day and days of the week to schedule family mealtimes together around the table. When you eat together, make sure that all forms of media are turned off and allow plenty of time to eat and share around the table. It doesn’t have to be fancy; you just need to be faithful in dining together as a family. Some of our best discussions have happened while eating off-brand cereal around the table together in the morning.

Here are some practical strategies to help you make the most out of your mealtimes.

Consider trying one of these strategies for several weeks, and then consider experimenting with another idea to keep your family learning and growing together.

Mine the heart

Mealtimes are a great opportunity for families to dig below the surface and connect at a deeper heart level. Filling one’s stomach with food provides comfort and security, opening up the cavernous areas of the heart.

Here are some questions to lead you along the trails to the heart: • High/low (“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn,” Romans 12:15): Ask, “What was the high point of your day?

What was the low point of your day?”

• Best/worst: Ask, “What was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day?”

Educate with Scripture Mealtimes are a great opportunity for families to share and discuss Scripture and partake in spiritual growth. We normally use the morning time for these strategies because our family rhythm enables us to be most consistent eating breakfast together.

However, your family rhythm may be different, so discover when your family schedule allows for the most frequent mealgathering times and start there. Here are some suggestions that will help you in passing the faith along from one generation to the next, just like in Proverbs 4:1-4: • Bible reading: Read a Bible verse or several verses during the meal and talk about what they mean. Proverbs is an easy place to start. Kara Durbin has written a great book, “Parenting with Scripture,” which will provide some creative ideas.

• Scripture memory: Keep a list of verses near your table and work on memorizing one

“Mealtimes are a great opportunity for families to dig below the surface and connect at a deeper heart level.”

Sometimes mealtime discussions will lead to discussing spiritual things and sharing Scripture, and sometimes they do not. Regardless, there are always new things I learn as a father when I listen intently to what my children share from the heart. It’s important that everyone be given the opportunity to share, even parents. Don’t force anyone to share, and refrain from being critical or condescending when they do share.

You may need to help your children learn what to do by modeling it for them and helping them think through the day, especially if they are younger. I frequently follow up a response from my children with a “Why?” question to probe a little deeper. When children feel comfortable sharing around the table, then it is easier to share some Scripture about how God’s Word speaks to the issues on our hearts.

new verse a week. Remember to review verses for a few weeks to help make them stick.

• Devotion book: Use a devotion book to read a verse or story and ask a few questions.

Some devotion books to consider are “Long Story Short” by Marty Machowski and “The One Year Book of Josh McDowell’s Family Devotions.”

• Quiet time questions: Ask, “What did you learn in your quiet time Bible reading this morning?” (continued on next page) ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

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Ultimately, we want to move our children from reading devotion books to reading the Bible. As my children have aged, we have migrated from devotion-type resources to dialoguing more with Scripture. Dialoguing about the Bible naturally leads to children asking questions for understanding.

Ask open-ended questions

Creating a culture in your home where it is normal, natural and safe to ask questions, even tough ones, will encourage your children to continue coming primarily to you with their challenging questions first before they ask elsewhere. Here are some question type activities that will induce your children to become more inquisitive and lead them to ask more questions: • Stump the parents: Tell children to ask parents a question that they think will “stump” their parents. These questions can be about a variety of topics. Encourage children to ask questions related to what they learned at school, church or their own Bible reading.

This is one of those occasions where I might pull out my phone and access Google to respond to questions.

• Dinner dialogue: This probably works best for teenagers. Pick a topic that is currently in the news (locally, nationally or internationally) and discuss that topic from a Christian worldview. Especially as children enter their teenage years, parents need to regularly help them think through issues and events in the world from a biblical perspective.

Talk about a certain issue on the news and then ask the question, “What does the Bible say regarding this issue?” If you want to know what’s happening in the teenage world, then consider subscribing to a culture report at www.cpyu.org or www.youthculturereport.com.

• Would you rather? This works well especially with boys because they gravitate toward gross questions. When you ask the question and someone responds, follow it up with, “Why?” to continue the conversation.

• Favorites night: Ask, “What is your favorite (color, food, sport, hobby, subject, friend, etc.)?” Follow up the response with, “Why?” and you will learn some additional things about each family member.

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Asking questions is good, but learning to listen well is essential. God gave us two ears and one mouth, and we should learn to use them in proper proportion.

Listen attentively

Modeling active listening and teaching your children how to do the same will enable them to have healthy relationships at home and in other arenas of life. In order to facilitate good listening, make sure all forms of media are turned off so that you can focus on each other. Practice active listening by repeating what you hear a person communicate.

• God @ work: Ask, “Where did you see God at work around you today?” Initially, you may encounter silence, but the more you ask this question, the more observant everyone will be to how God is always at work around us.

• Mission quest: Ask, “How were you on mission today to make Christ known? How will you be more missional this week?”

• Story time (Proverbs 24:32): Parents share a story from their past and something they learned from that experience. As children get older, then they will be able to share some of their own stories.

• Special plate (Ephesians 4:29): Buy a special plate that is different from any other plate in your house (the more unique, the better). Serve food on this plate to a different person each night or once a week. Everyone else at the table has to say something special and affirming to the special plate person.

Active listening is an art form that will enable your children to establish healthier relationships in their futures and provides them great opportunities to minister to the needs of others.

Serve one another

The home is a great place to teach your children how to be responsible and serve one another (Galatians 5:13; 1 Peter 4:10).

Equipping children to serve one another joyfully at home will enable them to serve others outside the home. Here are some simple ways you can involve everyone in learning to serve others.

• Prepare the meal: Involve your family members in meal preparation. Even young children can help in a variety of ageappropriate ways from grocery shopping to preparing the actual meal.

• Serve the meal: Involve your family members in setting the table, pouring drinks and serving food.

• Practice manners: Mealtime is a great time to teach basic manners to show respect to others while eating.

• Clean up the mess: Don’t leave the cleanup to one person. Everyone needs to take responsibility in cleaning up the mess from the table to the kitchen. Not sure where to start?

Gather your family and brainstorm some ways that everyone can be involved in serving. Rotate some of their chores and responsibilities so that everyone learns how to serve in every capacity to make a mealtime memorable.

Our family has had our share of spilled drinks, burnt food, less than tasty recipes, leftovers, fast food meals in the minivan and times where we ate what we could scrounge up when it was past time to go to the grocery. Some of our best family times have been when we take the initiative to slow down and enjoy a meal together around the kitchen table, sharing about life and growing in relationship with one another and our relationship with God. Regardless of what you do at the table, families must make consistent time to share meals together, but more importantly to share their lives together by Mining the heart, Educating with Scripture, Asking openended questions, Listening attentively, and Serving one another. I plan to be home in time for supper for more memorable MEALS with my family. Will you?

Ben Phillips serves the Arkansas Baptist State Convention and engages churches and parents to build faith @ home. He and his wife enjoy family meals with their three children.

6 biblical reasons to love children

By Lindsay Swartz

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f you call yourself a Christian, you should love children – whether you have children of your own, still long for a little one to call you “Mama,” have lost all hope of being called by that name or haven’t given it much thought. I recently came across an article that reminded me of this truth.

Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry, in an article titled “How Christianity invented children,” recounts the deep countercultural revolution Christianity wrought, particularly toward children.

In fact, in ancient Rome, it was the Christian community that rescued children from abandonment and exposure. Those who were once despised and abused in a largely accepted manner are now mostly romanticized and protected – of course, we have to take into account the atrocity of abortion and the ongoing abuse of children that, tragically, still happens in our society.

Loving children is deeply rooted in God’s breathed-out Word.

It gives us more than enough proof that, if we want to be more like our Father and our Savior, we should pray for a heart that loves these little – and big – ones. Though the following list isn’t exhaustive by any means, I pray it has just enough truth to leave a child-shaped imprint on your heart. According to the Bible, we should love children because:

1 2 3 4

5 6

They are the future generations (Genesis 1:28).

God’s Word extols them as gifts (Psalm 127:3-5).

Our Savior came as an infant (Luke 2).

They imitate how we are to relate to our heavenly Father (Matthew 18:3-4).

Christ receives them (Mark 9:36-37).

True religion is marked by caring for them (James 1:27).

We shouldn’t be naive. Loving children doesn’t come without its challenges. In my case, loving my friends’ children is often a reminder that I don’t yet have my own. But, at the heart of embracing what God loves is a faith that trusts in His goodness and provision. Our Father has different plans and purposes for His children, but He’s not in the business of giving stones and serpents and scorpions to the ones who unabashedly come to Him – even if we are a little pesky at times.

Lindsay Swartz is managing editor of content for The Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. Read the full article at www.erlc.com.

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The lifeline for single parents

By Debi Walker

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hen you were young, did you have dreams of what your adult life would be? Typically, a little girl has dreams of what she will be when she grows up.

Most of the time, this includes planning a beautiful wedding, marrying “Prince Charming” and having the “perfect” family. A young boy also has dreams of great adventures and achievements, which often includes a “great” family.

Sometimes, these dreams do not become reality. People don’t set out to become single parents, facing the struggles and joys of this life alone. However, this is a reality for an overwhelming number of parents in our state.

Regardless of the circumstances that brought them to become single parents, they all have two things in common: 1. At the end of the day, they are the ones upon whom everything falls – the bills, discipline, meals, housekeeping, etc.

2. Although they feel alone, the fact is that they are not. God wants to fill those empty places, bringing them to a dependence

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“The most crucial aspect of single parents’ lives is a personal relationship with Christ.

He has to be their lifeline.” on Him for their daily walks. God says in Psalm 68:5 that He will be a spouse to the widow and a parent to the fatherless.

The most crucial aspect of single parents’ lives is a personal relationship with Christ. He has to be their lifeline. Webster’s Dictionary defines “lifeline” as “something that provides help or support needed for success or survival.”

How do single parents, then, make Christ their lifeline? One way is to meditate on His Word. This is so much more than just memorizing.

To meditate on Scripture is to personalize it, to turn it over and over in their minds, allowing it to become the plumb line with which they measure their lives. Eventually, He brings a peace that is not dependent on outward circumstances, but rather a peace based on who He is and what He wants to do through them. Prayer flows naturally from a heart and mind saturated with God’s Word. Finding time to spend alone with Him may be difficult, but it is so important that single parents maintain close relationships with God. He is where they will find peace, strength, wisdom, encouragement, etc. (Psalm 46:10; Ephesians 5:15-17).

systems, focusing on people who encourage and point to Christ.

Single parents are entrusted with an amazing privilege and responsibility. While it is tempting for single parents to depend on the oldest child as they would a spouse, children should not be in the place of another adult or even a peer or friend. Single parents must maintain that parental position, being consistent in boundaries and discipline. The main goal as parents should be to train up a child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6; Deuteronomy 6:5-7).

The gift of single parenthood has not only its challenges, but also the potential of countless rewards as single parents learn to depend on God for each moment. As single parents cast their cares upon Him, they can experience how much He truly cares for them (1 Peter 5:7).

Debi Walker is the resident manager for the Jonesboro Family Care Home, a ministry of Arkansas Baptist Children’s Homes and Family Ministries. She raised her two daughters as a single parent.

Single parents may know this truth, but reality is that eventually with the stresses and strains of everyday life, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and weighed down. These stresses and strains cause single parents to feel at their wit’s end. It can seem as if life is spinning out of control, becoming chaotic. They are faced with a choice, to seek God and His peace or to depend on those things they’ve always sought for comfort and security. If they choose to seek God, He promises to bring “them to their desired haven” (Psalm 107:30) and turn their chaos into order.

The stresses of life come in many different forms, and this is especially true for single parents. The everyday schedule of a two-parent home can be an obstacle course for single parents. It is an obstacle course that they must be proactive and creative to maneuver through. Whether it is finding someone to help with the children, getting the car to the mechanic or just having a shoulder to cry on, single parents must have good support systems. This may come in the form of friends, extended family, church members or neighbors. It is extremely important that some of these be people that single parents can entrust with the care of their children. Also, they need people in their lives to encourage them as well. Often, friends either want to get in the pit with them or point them back to those things in which they formerly found relief.

Single parents need people that will point them to God and His Word for direction.

When I think of single parents, the word that comes to mind is “proactive” – being intentional in a personal walk with Christ and realizing He is their foundation and peace. This is what they need to face not only their days, but also their nights, as they lay their heads down. Also, single parents have to be proactive in building support ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

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How to live on

MISSION as a family

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rowing up, I spent a lot of time around construction sites. While I loved all the machinery and the thrill of watching the building process, mostly I wanted to be there because I got to be with my father. In time I became a “glorified gofer,” which meant I retrieved whatever the crew needed: nails, level, 2 x 4s, water. You name it. I retrieved it.

I didn’t mind that so much, but what really I hoped for was the opportunity to have my own hammer and join the crew. I’ll never forget the day when I was around 12 years old and my dad brought together the whole construction crew and presented me with my first hammer. He announced that I was now part of the actual crew.

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By Dustin Willis

“I’m-on-the- crew” swing of the hammer.

I aligned the nail, took a swing and missed it. I bruised the floor. On the second swing I made contact, but it turned out to be my thumb.

With my thumb pulsating and quickly turning blue -- and my face quickly turning red -- my third swing bent the nail. Now I found myself tapping on both sides of the nail in an effort to straighten the “S” shape I had just created.

At this point I was so nervous, I just wanted to walk off the job.

But then my dad came over and covered my small hand with his large hand.

“God has placed you in a position as a parent to both equip and cultivate the big picture concept of everyday mission in your children.”

“We can do this, son.” And next thing I knew, bam-bam-bam -- the first nail was down. Bam-bambam -- the second nail was down.

I felt like I’d just been knighted, southern style. “Well, don’t just stand there,” my Dad said, “Get to work!”

“Check me out, fellas,” I thought to myself. “I’m a carpenter. It just took me a minute. No big deal; I’m a natural.”

Everyone laughed, and I knelt on the floor to start nailing down the subflooring -- the base before you install the finely finished floors -- as all the other crew stood back to watch this child take his first official

And then I feel the pressure of my dad’s hand still on top of mine. He was doing the work. He was doing the heavy lifting. He was making it happen.

ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

CULTIVATING EVERYDAY MISSION IN YOUR FAMILY Practice these four principles to create and build a culture of everyday mission within your family.

children understand that we look more like Jesus when these everyday activities intersect with a lost world on a daily basis.

1. MAKE SPACE FOR EVERYDAY MISSION.

3. MODEL EVERYDAY MISSIONS.

2. TEACH INTERSECTION.

4. TELL IT AND CELEBRATE IT!

Church-wide mission activities are good, but they shouldn’t be the primary means by which mission takes place in your family. Look for opportunities every day that teach your children to intentionally “live” on mission.

Families are as busy as ever. You know the drill. Work, school, sports, church, extra-curricular activities, homework; and tomorrow, you’ll wake up and do it all over again! Help your

“We can do this,” he told me again.

Make a concerted effort to model what joining the everyday mission of God looks like for your children. Allow your children to see how God works through you when you respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

As your family begins to live out the mission of God in your everyday lives, take time to tell your stories and celebrate how God is working through your lives.

God speaks a similar idea to families even now. It’s His mission. It’s His work, and God Himself extends to us the great invitation of getting to go to work with our “Dad.”

You have the unique opportunity to teach your children that mission is not something we “do,” rather, mission is who we are and how we respond to God on an everyday basis. You can teach your children to look at their everyday lives and challenge them to see how they can begin to intersect it with gospel intentionality.

Teach the big picture of everyday mission

Pray constantly

God has set the times and places in which we live for the purpose of His mission. His heart is to draw people to Himself, to take what is old and make it new, to take what is broken and make it whole, and to take what has no hope and give eternal purpose. This is good news; this is the gospel.

Living with a sense of everyday mission is challenging, and it requires total dependency on God. Without God, our mission is dead before it ever starts. That’s why we must teach our children to pray and ask God to be at work in the life of our families. One pastor says it this way: “Want a nail to go in a board? Hammer it. Want to see God move? Pray.

He has ordained that nails move by hammers and He moves by prayer.”

Instead of drifting aimlessly to the finish line, wouldn’t you rather see your family engage life sharing this good news? Don’t you want to do something of significant purpose -- something challenging and risky that will leave an impact on people long after your encounters with them?

What if there were no more typical days at home and school? What if your family’s everyday life was infused with a new drive birthed from the realization that every situation and circumstance you are living is anything but random or meaningless?

God is on a mission and invites your family to join Him. The gospel travels through ordinary people joining the everyday mission of an all-powerful God.

As a family, there is nothing more fulfilling than abandoning your own mission and joining the everyday mission of God. Parents who teach their children to live intentionally each and every day build a culture of everyday mission that can literally change the world!

Dustin Willis, a former church planter from South Carolina, currently serves as the coordinator of the Send Network and the Send North America Conference at the North American Mission Board in Alpharetta, Ga. He is the co-author of the book, “Life On Mission.” He and wife, Renie, have two children, Jack and Piper. Find out more at www.dustinwillis.com.

Sitting in a meeting in hopes of gaining some practical tips on leadership, I’ll never forget when pastor Wayne Cordeiro said, “You teach what you know, but you reproduce who you are.” That line alone should help reshape the way you lead as a parent. The greatest encouragement you can give to your children to help them live on mission is to show them what mission looks like through your own life. You get to model being a missionary for them. The most accurate translation of the Great Commission says, “As you go, make disciples.”

Teaching mission should take place not only in a sermon but also in the midst of life.

God has placed you in a position as a parent to both equip and cultivate the big picture concept of everyday mission in your children.

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“Faith is born when our ability to alter a situation fails.”

CHOOSING FAITH OVER FEAR

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LESSONS FROM JOCHEBED

he first-time mom ponders, “Is my milk supply adequate to keep my baby alive?”

The working mom frets, “Will my preschooler be safe at day care?”

On the first day of school, a mom agonizes, “Will my child be bullied?”

High school moms agonize, “Will she have a prom date? Will his scores be good enough to get into college?”

Every season brings new worries and woes to mothers who love their children. The reality is these challenges are actually opportunities in disguise – opportunities to choose faith over fear.

Jochebed was a mom who did just that. She was the mother of Moses, and her story is recorded in Exodus 2. She and Moses’ father are also mentioned in Hebrews 11, a chapter in the Bible known as the “Hall of Faith.”

“By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict” (Hebrews 11:23, NIV).

Moses was born into a time and place where it was dangerous to be a Hebrew and be a baby boy. The king of Egypt, threatened by the vast 20

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By Laura Macfarlan number of Israelites, decreed all Hebrew baby boys be thrown into the Nile River. Jochebed’s courageous decision to oppose the king’s directive threatened not only her own life, but also the lives of her husband and two older children, Miriam and Aaron.

Perhaps other Israelite mothers in the same predicament rationalized: “He will be killed eventually. There is no way a baby can be kept a secret. The longer we wait, the more of our hearts he fills. Each passing day makes the action more difficult – better to get it over with and move on. Better to protect the rest of our family.

Better to lose one child than all three.”

But Jochebed refused to acquiesce. No matter how dismal this situation, she would not resign herself to it. Regardless of the personal risk, she would protect her child. Hebrews 11:23 confirms she chose faith over fear.

After three months passed, Exodus 2:3 confirms that she could no longer hide the baby. Indeed, any parent of an infant marvels that she could hide him for three months! Babies have a way of making themselves known. They cry when they are hungry, sleepy, need to be changed, need attention and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Hiding an infant in the 21st century would be a challenge.

Keeping one hidden in ancient Egypt? Nearly impossible! They lived in tents, crowded conditions, and surely eyes and ears were

everywhere looking to enforce the king’s mandate. Even a fellow Israelite, grieving the loss of a baby and resentful that Jochebed still had hers, might betray the secret.

Faith is born when our ability to alter a situation fails. When we have no more resources and no more options at our disposal, we lean into faith. Hebrews 11 tells us Jochebed grabbed onto faith. When human nature could easily give way to fear, Jochebed chose faith.

Surely faith rides in on prayer. As Jochebed’s hands were busy with wife and mom duties, we can envision her thought-life devoted to prayer. We know from personal experience that thoughts are the seeds from which actions and attitudes sprout. The best way to keep negative, fearful and sinful thoughts at bay is to fill our minds with prayer instead. A mind consumed with prayer is too busy and full to make a place for fear.

As Jochebed prayed, perhaps the pitch-coated papyrus basket idea was inspired by God Himself. Jochebed may have smiled to herself at the irony – Pharaoh had instructed the male babies be taken to the Nile, so in a sense, her plan partially fulfilled his orders.

A mother advocating and arranging for the life of her child would leave nothing to chance. Jochebed carefully placed the papyrus basket holding baby Moses among the reeds on the bank of the Nile. Sister Miriam stood by to see what would happen to her baby brother. Prior to this dramatic day, we can imagine Jochebed rehearsing Miriam’s lines with her over and over again: “Not too anxious, Miriam. And don’t run up to the princess too quickly. Repeat the question again.

Try to sound very casual this time.” By the time it was over, Miriam would deserve an Oscar!

Jochebed put feet to her prayers. When God provided inspiration, she acted. She refused to permit fear to keep her paralyzed.

Faith is not a substitute for laziness, preoccupation or a failure to do our job or fulfill our assigned duties. As Jochebed engaged in what was certainly a God-inspired plan, her obedience was rewarded in an Ephesians 3:20 manner – “exceeding abundantly” more than she could have asked or even imagined to ask. Multiple prayers were surely prayed and answered: • • • • •

The basket did not sink.

The princess came out to bathe.

Moses cried at the perfect moment.

The heart of the princess was touched to protect him.

The princess agreed to send for a Hebrew nurse.

But could Jochebed have imagined she would get to keep Moses in her home and that she would be paid to care for her own son? Could she have dared to dream he would be adopted as the son of the princess?

Jochebed’s steadfast resolve to walk by faith and to reject the gravitational pull to fear was rewarded. Not only was her son’s life spared, but she got to continue to be part of his life.

Parenting offers many opportunities to exercise faith and reject fear. From the moment that small bundle is placed in his or her

arms, something awakens in a parent’s heart. These new emotions are powerful, compelling and almost overwhelming. A fierce determination to protect, nurture, encourage and equip is ignited. If not bridled and prayed over, we can easily cross the line to become “helicopter” parents – hovering to manage, manipulate and control every situation, often looking to live out our own unfilled dreams vicariously through our children. There is nothing inherently wrong with a desire for our children to have better lives than our own, but we must prayerfully seek God’s definition of “better” for our children.

But veering in the other direction brings other unwanted outcomes.

Parents who are more motivated by a desire to be a “friend” to their children abdicate their responsibility as parents and squander opportunities to nurture, discipline, train and encourage during the formative and fleeting years of childhood.

Our fears for our children may run the gamut from physical (What if he dies young? What if she contracts a chronic illness?) to emotional (What if no one plays with her at recess?) to spiritual (What if he abandons God? What if she denies Christ?).

We are able to set aside rational (and irrational) fears as we appropriate faith. We can make a trade with God. We give Him the fear, and we get His peace. When we trade with God, we always trade up! Consider making Philippians 4:6-7 your go-to passage when fears for your child creep in: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV).

What a trade! We give Him the fears and worries, and we receive His peace – the kind of peace that makes no human sense, the blow-yourmind kind of peace that is illogical, unfathomable and only available from God. And that peace comes to stand guard, like our own private Secret Service, on our hearts and our minds – the two areas most vulnerable to fear.

If your faith has never been really tested, then parenthood may very well be your great opportunity to learn from Jochebed – to lean into faith in God Almighty, to trust Him because there is nothing else you can do until you pray.

Gen. George Patton summed it up well: “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

As those worries and woes bubble up, practice praying them right up to God. Picture yourself laying the burden at His feet and then receive the out-of-this-world peace that can only come from Him. Like Jochebed, you, too, can journey through the challenging parenting years “by faith.”

Laura Macfarlan continues to pray for her children (and now a grandchild) from northwest Arkansas.

She is a member of First Baptist Church of Siloam Springs. You can find Laura’s speaking schedule, view her topics and subscribe to her weekly blog here: www.CrossMyHeartMinistry.com.

ARKANSAS FAITH & FAMILY // SUMMER 2015

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BEYOND THE BABY GATE: SETTING BOUNDARIES THAT LEAD TO FULFILLMENT

By Matt Hubbard

ebel. Yep, that was me.

Well, at least when it came to boundaries.

I remember hating boundaries when I was a child. When my parents told me to quit poking my younger sister in the arm, I put my finger as close to her as possible and proclaimed, “I’m not touching you.” When I would come upon a barbed wire fence while exploring the woods surrounding our neighborhood in south Arkansas, I was always tempted to jump it just to see what it was like on the other side. As a young child, boundaries were for the birds. Boy, was I wrong!

R

Boundaries are not glamorous. Boundaries are often labor-intensive both in setting them and living by them. Boundaries are often painful. Boundaries rarely hint of fun.

However, boundaries are essential in the spiritual development of every individual – parents and children included. Boundaries cannot save your child; only Christ can do that. Boundaries will not replace the transformative power of the Holy Spirit.

But boundaries do provide the ultimate fulfillment in that we are striving to be – in that we desire our children to be – His image bearers. Boundaries enable our pursuit of becoming like Jesus.

In parenting, boundaries are often associated with baby gates, curfews and “don’t do lists.” We often set boundaries with the good intention of keeping our children out of trouble. We focus on their dating relationships to protect them from the temptations and pitfalls that they will surely encounter. We focus on their friendships to keep them from getting into mischief. Our lives become consumed with protecting our 22

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children (a good thing) so much that we neglect God’s purpose for boundaries, which are to enable them to become more like Jesus (the best thing).

When God gave boundaries to Adam and Eve, the intent was for them to be His image bearers, not to keep them from the good stuff. God knew that in order for the world to truly know Him, His children must accurately portray Him. He knew that the ultimate freedom was the fulfillment of knowing that you were accomplishing what you were created to do. Setting boundaries with your child’s relationships is crucial, but there are many more things that need boundaries as well. Consider the following areas: • Entertainment. This includes computers, smartphones, gaming consoles, Netflix, Spotify, etc. that can expose your child to sexual content, violence, language and more.

• Social media. This includes who your child can follow on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat; what kinds of pictures they are allowed to post; the amount of time allowed and so forth.

• Social activity. This includes time with friends (and which friends they are allowed to spend time with), alone time, family time and so forth.

• Physical activity. This includes how many sports/extra curricular activities your child is allowed to participate in, how much rest your child needs and so forth.

Solomon, widely regarded for his wisdom, saw the value of boundaries. In Proverbs, he began to set forth the legacy that he desired for his son. He clearly set boundaries not only to keep him out of trouble, but also to enable him to live righteously. Solomon knew the illicit draw that sex has on a man (Proverbs 5). He also knew that in order for his son to live righteously in the midst of

sexual temptation, boundaries must be set and followed. Solomon’s teaching models for us four essentials to set boundaries for our children.

TRUST

“My son, be attentive to my wisdom” (Proverbs 5:1a, ESV).

Trust is of utmost importance when parents begin setting boundaries for their children.

Without trust, boundaries may be perceived as limitations rather than opportunities for success. If trust does not exist between parent and child, boundaries may lead to resentment and bitterness rather than openness and respect. Trust must be built and maintained both from the parent and the child points of view.

Solomon clearly had built a platform of trust with his son. Their relationship provided him ample opportunity to impress upon him truths that not only would protect him from temptation, but also would enable him to continue to bear the image of Christ.

Solomon’s son was primed and ready to listen to his words, not just by default because he was his father, but because of the trust he placed in the father and the trust Solomon had placed in his son.

COMMUNICATION “Incline your ear …”

(Proverbs 5:1b, ESV).

Solomon did not just expect his son to automatically know what to do when sexual temptation knocked at his door. The Scripture says that Solomon spoke to his son. He said, “Incline your ear.” Words were clearly being spoken. I’m sure the son observed a lot of good things from his father, but observation often does not carry the same weight as

communication. Ideally communication will be intricately woven with observation.

Communication is essential in the process of setting boundaries for our children. Parents must clearly communicate that boundaries exist to enable us to become like Jesus.

Likewise, parents should consider fully communicating the dangers of not having boundaries. Solomon goes into some graphic detail of the dangers of sexual sin. He does not sugarcoat it with his son. Do not be afraid to really discuss the dangers that lurk in the shadows unless boundaries are set.

Clarify what is to be avoided and what is allowed. Explain. Explain. Explain. And then, explain again. Share specific examples to help your child better grasp exactly what God desires in certain situations, for example, in alone time with the opposite sex, underage drinking, inappropriate clothing and more.

Realize that some children will interpret your examples very specifically, in that if their situation is not exactly the same as the one you described, then the boundaries do not really apply to them in that situation. There is no way to exhaustively illustrate every possible situation, but you can communicate key things to be avoided in any situation.

With every boundary, there must be a consequence to crossing that boundary.

Talk with your child about what these consequences should be. Give your child some ownership in defining them. A child who has a voice in determining consequences tends to own up to mistakes when they happen or tries harder to avoid the paths that lead to such consequences.

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TRANSPARENCY

“… to my understanding” (Proverbs 5:1c, ESV).

Maybe you are wired differently than I am, but I truly begin to understand something when I experience it for myself. It is one thing to hear others talk about how great a movie is.

It is something totally different to experience it for myself. The best lessons I have learned are not those I have heard via a podcast or Sunday school class. The best lessons have been those I have experienced firsthand, both victories and failures.

Solomon extended a great deal of transparency with his son. He understood the sexual temptation because he himself had experienced it. He was not afraid to be transparent with his son. He realized that transparency with his son was not a brag fest, and he also understood that his son would not respect him less because of his transparency. Transparency leads to a deeper level of intimacy between parent and child that leads to truly understanding the need for boundaries.

What if parents were not just transparent with their similar struggles or experiences, but they were also transparent with putting themselves under the same or similar boundaries as their children?

RECONCILIATION

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:17-19, ESV).

The boundaries you set will most definitely be pushed up against. I do not know why, but with teenagers in particular, boundaries take the role of the bug zapper and your child is the bug. They have been told not to go near the shiny blue light with the cool buzzing sound.

A wire mesh (boundary) is placed around the light to protect them if they get too close. Yet, they continue on and then … ZAP! 24

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As parents, we know that, even with the greatest intention and crystal clear boundaries, some children will still mess up and step over the line. Too often, parents realize this and respond detrimentally by setting the responsibility bar lower so their child can achieve it rather than challenging their child (regardless of consequence) to reach higher. Once boundaries are set, the biggest battle will be when those boundaries are crossed.

Stay the course and follow through with the spirit of the consequence that has already been set. But, constantly keep in the forefront of your mind that the goal of the consequence is not a lesson learned, but reconciliation both to God and man.

In John 8, Jesus was approached by a group of Pharisees dragging a woman who was caught in adultery. You probably know the story. The Pharisees tried to pin Jesus down and see if He would endorse the lawful stoning of the woman or refuse to follow the law. Instead of focusing on the condemnation, He pursued reconciliation and restoration for the woman.

Some may think He neglected allowing her to experience the consequences of her decisions.

The spirit of the consequences of adultery

was clearly experienced by the woman – guilt, shame, loneliness and more. However, Christ, as He does with us all, offered reconciliation rather than condemnation.

Like Christ, be ambassadors of reconciliation and restoration when your child steps too far over the boundaries that have been set.

Start now setting your child up for success through establishing boundaries that enable your child to become like Jesus. Establish trust with your child. Take the initiative and communicate the need for boundaries. Do not fear transparency with your child. And, be quick to reconcile. Consequently, the world will be forever changed because of the courage and discipline you display through accepting your role as the primary discipler of your child.

Matt Hubbard is the lead student pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church in Little Rock.

He and his wife, Cassie, enjoy time with their son, Jackson.

Faith&CultureTidbits

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The MomTribe: CULTIVATING

FRIENDSHIPS o f MOTHERHOOD

By Shari Edwards

W

e’ve all heard the saying, “It takes a village.” I don’t know about a village, but I do know it takes a tribe – a MomTribe, that is! I love the following quote by Meg Meeker in her book “The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers”: “Every woman needs a tribe. Force yourself to pick a few good women who will go the distance with you. Hang on to those you select for your tribe because you will need them as you age. And they will need you.

Friends who love us know that motherhood is about transitioning, and 26

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adjusting constantly to the demands life brings.”

Last year, I wrote an article about the mothering journey, called “The MomTrek,” where I briefly delved into the subject of what I affectionately call the “MomTribe.” This is the group of women who walk with us through the seasons of raising our children – who speak into our lives and help shape our motherhood journey.

As a mom of three sons, ages 24, 22 and 16, what I have found as a vital key to successfully navigating this motherhood adventure is my MomTribe. The older my boys get, the more grateful I am for these women – friends who have been my constant companions, some for more than the 24 years I’ve been doing this mothering gig! These friends have gone the distance with me, and we continue to go the distance together through the changing seasons of our children’s lives.

What I love about my MomTribe is the different perspective they each bring to the mix, and the fact that I can absolutely count on them and have counted on them throughout the course of my mothering.

As I think about the beautiful mosaic of moms in my life, I see that they are from different churches, from my neighborhood, from different schools, from my college days – all weaving in and out of my MomTribe tapestry. What is it about these women that has made my mothering journey so enriching? And, why is it so important that we take care to make sure we are investing in the right relationships for our MomTribe?

There are a few common denominators I believe contribute to a healthy MomTribe that will carry us through this mothering thing together.

• Moms who are grounded in their faith, have an authentic relationship with God and model a life that reflects this authenticity.

• Moms who have consistent moral absolutes and desire to instill these same moral absolutes in their children (and indirectly in my children). Their moral compass stays true and doesn’t shift with changing cultural influences.

• Moms who are devoted to friendship and who exhibit the quality of loyalty – both to one another and to one another’s children.

I’ve had the incredible joy of having some lifelong friends who have displayed these qualities and have remained constant as our children have grown up together. These women have challenged me and held the standard high with me, and we have endured times of much laughter and some difficult life events as well. Our children are grown, and we are now enjoying the seasons and blessings of our children going to college, marrying and starting families of their own – what a joy!

I’ve also had occasion to encounter a few moms along the way who struggled with being grounded in their faith, whose moral direction shifted with the wind and who lacked understanding loyalty. While we are called to be a light and a positive influence to all, we need to understand that we can be that light and that influence without allowing another’s weaknesses into our lives and the lives of our children. We get one shot at raising our children, and above all else, we’ve got to get that right. That doesn’t mean we shelter them or don’t allow them to have friends who don’t believe like we do. It just means that we pay attention to those who have influence and speak into our lives and theirs. We are commanded in Ephesians 5:15 (NIV):“Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise.”

One factor that has impacted the strength of the MomTribe in recent years is a mindset slowly creeping into our homes and families – this notion of being completely and totally obsessed with our children. A culture that drives us to be obsessed with ourselves, combined with an ever-growing conduit of social media, feeds a frantic sense of competition and comparison. There’s a consuming desire to give our child the best, to be the best, to have the perfect life and, above all else, to have it all together (or at least give that illusion). Buying into this false narrative manifests itself most directly in our relationships with each other as moms. So what can we do?

Recognize that we all do it. Examine your feelings about your friends.

Markers that indicate unhealthy attitudes include: criticism, envy, jealousy, discontent, comparison. By acknowledging feelings of envy, we diffuse its corrosive power. Head competition off at the pass and don’t allow it to gain power in a relationship. Join together with your MomTribe and hold each other accountable in love when there are signs of unhealthy attitudes – stand together in unity and as a support for one another. Build up one another by giving frequent verbal applause. And above all, pray for one another!

Let’s face it: Friendship has gotten harder – for all mothers. We live in such a frenetic, fast-paced culture, that it’s increasingly difficult to find either the time or energy to invest in friendship. In their book “Grown-Up Girlfriends,” Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver discuss the

rewarding and the challenging aspects of friendships: “Friendship is a means God uses to fulfill His good purposes in our lives … both through the heartwarming and the heartbreaking experiences. He uses these relationships to provide support in times of need and to bring us to our knees so we can better see our need for Him.” Mothers are, by our very nature, relational creatures. We thrive on loving and being loved, talking and listening, seeing and interacting.

We need each other: to share our fearful questions, to bare our anxious thoughts, to bind our wounded hearts, to vent our frustration and maybe even anger, to lift each other up in prayer, to encourage with a needed word of Scripture, to smile and especially to laugh!

Before we can blink, our children are grown and gone. And if we have taken the time, heart and energy to cultivate a life-giving MomTribe along the way, we will look back and see that by simply walking alongside, by speaking truth into our lives, by holding each other accountable and by being a true friend, we shared the journey with women who have left everlasting imprints on our lives. And we will cherish our MomTribe deeply.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

Shari Edwards is a women’s ministry speaker, writer and mom to a teenage and two young adult sons. She and her husband, Andy, are members of Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. You can find her Genesis Girl ministry blog at www. sharibeth.wordpress.com.

Is there more to life than this? There is…

Jesus said, “My purpose is to give them a rich satisfying life.” John 10:10, NLT God loves us and has plans for our lives.

“God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16, NIV Our problem is that we have willfully chosen to disobey God (called “sin”).

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23, NIV Though we deserve to be punished for our sin and separated from God, He provided a way for us to be forgiven and changed. “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23, NIV

TO ENJOY THE LIFE GOD INTENDED FOR YOU, CALL 800.537.8720.

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e n o m o r F m o m g n i wo r k : r e h t o n a to to h e a r t He art

B y S te ll a P ra

D

o you ever feel like you are meeting yourself coming and going?

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

There have been many days (OK, maybe every day), that I have felt that way – trying to keep family, home, boss, church, relationship with God and so many other things balanced and going.

Wonder Woman is not real. Mothers are human, and asking for help is not a sign of failure. If your neighbor offers to baby-sit or do your laundry, say, “Yes.” Consider this help part of God’s grace for His children.

A fellow mom once said, “It’s a struggle to juggle. … Being exhausted is part of being a working mom.”

It’s OK to have a few dirty dishes in the sink

As a mother who works outside the home, you may feel that way too.

Being a working mom is just plain hard at times. Over the years, I’ve discovered that advice and support from other moms make it a little easier to balance the “mother load.” Here are some tips (many that I still struggle with) that I’ve taken to heart as a fulltime, employed mom:

Learn to say, ‘No’ Don’t apologize or feel the need to explain why you can’t volunteer at a Junior League event or take part in a weekly women’s Bible study. Remember that your family and husband come first. Feel free to decline anything that infringes on your family time.

Scripture reminds us that, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8, NIV).

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th e r

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Dirty pots and pans and dirty laundry will still be there tomorrow.

Your son’s first Little League home run will not. Messy floors won’t go away, but your little girl’s need for a bedtime story will fade.

Matthew 6:21 (NIV) reminds us, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Make your children, not your kitchen, your treasure.

It’s OK to cry Stressful and hectic days are bound to happen for working moms.

During those times, shedding a few tears might actually help.

Researchers have found that the simple act of crying reduces the body’s manganese level, a mineral that affects mood. The researchers concluded that chemicals built up by the body during stress were removed by tears, which actually lowered stress.

God hears the cries of His children: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, NIV).

Support systems are vital A little encouragement goes a long way. God’s Word says, “But encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13, NIV).

Whether it’s a group of baseball moms, a mentor or a group of godly women who will support you and challenge you to grow, take time to immerse yourself in a support system.

Let guilt go Moms work outside the home for many reasons. You might choose to work or you might be forced into it by circumstances beyond your control. Regardless, let your guilt go.

Mary Whelchel, founder of The Christian Working Woman ministry, said, “Remember, if God is not condemning you, you have no right to let anyone else condemn you, not even yourself. … Living with guilt is miserable and it robs you of joy and keeps you from a joyful life. So, claim God’s victory today over the false guilt in your life.”

Whelchel added, “A working mother can be the mom God wants her to be and her children can have all the attention and nurturing they need.”

Pray The most important thing a mother can do is pray for her children and her family. Prayer is essential whether you work outside the home or not.

Whelchel noted, “When your kids see you praying, reading the Bible and seeking God’s guidance for your life, they’ll take these values for themselves. If you demonstrate your commitment to Christ, your children will learn to live for Jesus, too. And that’s what really matters when it’s all said and done.”

Stella Prather is director of communications for Arkansas Baptist Children’s Homes and Family Ministries, Little Rock. She and her husband, Bret, have an on-the-go lifestyle with their two sons, Braxton and Branton.

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