It’s OK to Ask for Help BY JEN HOLMAN

Parenting is hard. Who knew?! Whether you’re just learning to support your newborn’s drowsy little head, redirecting toddler tantrums, or searching for serenity during teenage years, children are constant and ever-changing challenges. They don’t come with an app. There is no FAQ section, and the return policy is one of the strictest I’ve ever seen. To tell you the truth, half the time I have no idea what I’m doing besides imitating what worked for my parents and avoiding what didn’t.

Sure, parents have a few instincts if we’re lucky, but do we automatically know the best way to parent because a baby drops into our lives? No. That’s just silly. There are plenty of parenting guidebooks and blogs and videos out there, but that doesn’t have to be the extent of help we seek.

If there’s one thing I wish I had accepted much earlier in life it’s that admitting the need for help wouldn’t earn me a place in the bad parent pile or deem me a failure as a human being. The opposite is true. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I can see so clearly what I should have done differently as a new mother. I was overprotective and nearly reclusive, which left me feeling isolated and blue. I got the idea in my sleep-deprived and hormoneamped brain that because women had been rearing children since the beginning of time, I had to power through, too. Yes, yes, I know. That’s really dumb. I wish someone had shaken me by my chubby shoulders and told me needing a break didn’t make me a bad mother. I wish someone had peeled the baby from my boob and said, “Go get a latte, girl; you’re losing it.” Why do we do this to ourselves? Why didn’t I ask for help? Where did we get the idea that doing it all is what’s required to be a valuable woman? I think part of it comes from real expectations, whether from ourselves, our mother, our husband, or maybe even our mother-in-law. If we look around, our friends are doing it all without help, right—the proof is all over social media.

Nope. Huh-uh. Wrong. We can’t do it all, we shouldn’t expect it from ourselves, and it’s OK to ask for help. It’s healthy, even. Whether it’s a mom, a friend or a neighbor, my advice to new parents is to take advantage of offers to watch the baby for an hour or two. Put on some pants and have a nice dinner because healthy parents raise healthy children.

You know what else is hard? Staying on top of laundry and housework and a career and schedules and commitments on top of, you know, feeding, bathing and potty-training children. If you can afford it, it is OK to have someone come in and help get your life together. A friend of mine says hiring a professional organizer was the best thing she ever did.

Another thing we parents and our children may someday need help with is emotional health. We like to think that childhood is carefree and easy, but that’s not true for all kids. “What does this kid have to worry

about?” we might ask. “They have everything they could possibly want. When I was their age, I was working two jobs and walking miles to school. Barefoot. In the snow.” But the fact is a lot of kids have trouble dealing with stress and anxiety and pressure. Sure, all kids have emotional ups and downs—they’re moody, they have trouble with friends, or they struggle in school. But how do we know if they’re struggling with something more serious? And “Asking for help doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us or our children."

when should we ask for professional help? According to doctors at the Cleveland Clinic, you should seek professional help if your child: 1. Has problems in multiple areas like family relationships, school performance, sports and leisure activities and friendships.

2. Starts feeling bad about themselves, or are less confident.

3. Shows excessive worry about the future. 4. Expresses hopelessness. 5. Withdraws from family, friends or activities they used to enjoy.

6. Has a significant change in sleep habits or appetite. 7. Engages in negative behavior more frequently. 8. Has repetitive, self-destructive behaviors such as hair-pulling or skin-picking.

9. Talks about or engages in any kind of self-harm. 10. Makes comments like “I wish I weren’t here,” or “Nobody would care if I ran away.”

11. Talks explicitly about suicide.

Asking for help doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us or our children. It doesn’t make us bad parents. The hundreds of little changes that come with parenting can present complex situations and emotions that need to be worked through, and we could all use new techniques to cope. Everyone needs help every now and then.

“Half the time I have no idea what I’m doing besides imitating what worked for my parents and avoiding what didn’t."