Teddy the Spaz Man

Clubs & Orgs

Tips for Cooking Out, Teddy Style

BY TEDDY THE SPAZ MAN

Grilling is one of my all-time favorite activities because it involves family, friends, food, food and food. And not to brag or anything, but I majored in grillology, so I’m gonna share some sweet tips to ensure you serve up the best dawgs and burgs on the block.

1. Cook the Meat to Order There’s nothing worse than serving your guests a raw dawg when they’re jonesin’ for a burnt ween. Cook meat to perfection by asking your dog to taste test. If it’s underdone, they’ll drool. If it’s overdone, they’ll drool. If it’s just right, they’ll drool. This way, the meat will always be cooked to perfection!

How did these get here?? Teddy is a master of grillology and has learned - the hard way - what kind of tongs are required.

2. Have a Pair of Tongs Handy

Please read this carefully. One year, I misunderstood and showed up sportin’ a barely-there thong. This is not what I would recommend. At least not until all the guests have safely digested their meals. 3. Food Safety Food safety is a top priority. It’s especially important to avoid cross contamination. What this means is that you should only give food to your dog. Leaning over to give food to someone else is not only bad manners, but it could result in some pretty nasty consequences. And that’d just be embarrassing for you. 4. Use a Side Table Side tables are a must for a successful cookout. Place all your yummy apps and extras near the edge and make sure the tables are never over two feet tall. And never – I repeat never – put broccoli on the table. They taste like trees. They look like trees. And you know what us dogs do to trees. 5. Be a Gracious Host(ess) Your guests should never be asked to pick up dropped food. Instead, I suggest using the highly efficient Canine Lapper. An all-natural product, the Canine Lapper (also known as a dog’s tongue) can retrieve food from hard-to-reach places, and best of all, it can clean a 10-foot area in a recordbreaking 6.4 seconds. 6. Clean Up The food’s been eaten, and the fun’s been had, so it’s tempting to wanna leave the clean-up for everyone else. However, you must stay until the end. Just kidding! As soon as you’re done stuffing your hound hole, make a beeline for the comfiest couch and spread out like a boss.