EDUCATION

Consent at every age

How soon can we start teaching kids that we should respect one another’s boundaries, in order to be safe, preserve dignity and build healthy relationships? Elizabeth Jerabek reports

It’s hard to say who dreads sex ed more: the adult at the front of the classroom or the kids sitting at their desks in the back. And as the repercussions of the #MeToo movement have demonstrated, it has become increasingly important to also teach our kids about consent.

While you can teach information about consent along with sex education, the good news is that you don’t have to. In fact, many educators think that it’s better to teach it as a separate subject, and that it is never too soon to start. Rather than lumping consent in with sex education, they recommend incorporating the concept into a broader set of positive social-emotional life skills. At its most basic level, consent is about how to express and respect an individual’s body competency and sovereignty. This is relevant not only to sex education, but also when it comes to dealing with bullying and identity dynamics. Therefore, the first step is to reframe the concept not as consent per se but rather as body autonomy. Once you’ve done that it becomes clearer how to teach the concept in appropriate ways to different age groups.

Early years

In the early years, consent can be taught right along with body literacy. Just as you teach your toddler the ‘head, shoulders, knees and toes’ song, you can also teach them that they are the ‘boss of their body’ – there’s even a catchy song that goes along with that, too.

It will help to develop and use a shared, specific vocabulary – not only for anatomically correct body parts – but also for concepts like ‘body,’ ‘space’ and ‘touch.’ Kindergarteners are unlikely to actually use the word ‘consent’ in conversation, but the goal is for them to be able to tell people when they do and do not want to be hugged, kissed, tickled or otherwise touched or have their personal space invaded.

When taught at a young age, asking for consent or permission is part of the development of emotional intelligence. Here again,

it's helpful to focus on enabling clear communication.

When kids are upset, our knee-jerk reaction as adults is to tell them, “Don’t cry. Don’t be sad.” What we mean to say is that we don’t want them to cry because we don’t want them to be sad because we love and care for them. But what kids hear is that they are not allowed to express when they are sad, angry or hurt. If we want them to develop empathy, then kids need to learn how to identify and express how they are feeling, so that they can recognise similar emotions in other children and adults when their actions are making others uncomfortable.

Modelling appropriate behaviour will also help. Just as you teach your child how to be polite by being polite yourself, you can teach your child body autonomy by modelling that behaviour yourself. When celebrating a milestone or success, you can ask your child, “Would you rather a hug or highfive?” It’s also important to give them an appropriate amount of control, for example by letting them pick out what to wear or which book to read at story time.

Primary age

Again, children in primary school are unlikely to use the word ‘consent’ in conversation, but they can understand concepts like boundaries and permission. So it’s important to respect what kids already intuitively understand. You can help your children explicitly develop and convey their understanding by talking about scenarios like borrowing a friend’s favourite toy or sharing something that a friend told them in private. Kids at this age can already begin to understand the difference between a secret that is more like a surprise, and a secret that might be dangerous and shouldn’t be kept from grown-ups.

Young kids intuitively understand consent-related concepts such as boundaries and permission

This is also a good age to address nonverbal communication. You can do this when reading books or witnessing interactions with friends by narrating what you interpret in the book or in the social interaction: “Look at the expressions on his face. Does it look like he wants that? Or does it look like he doesn’t want that?” This also sets the baseline that consent is more than the absence of a “No.”

Elizabeth Kleinrock, a third-grade teacher in the US, has developed resources for teaching about body autonomy and consent in the classroom. For example, a student and teacher can roleplay a scenario in which a student asks the teacher for a hug, and the teacher reluctantly says, “Um, OK?” Many students at this age can recognise that the teacher is acting uncomfortable, even if the teacher is verbally giving consent. The next step is for the class to discuss what the student in the roleplay should do in response. Did the teacher actually give consent? Should the student give the teacher a hug? What could the teacher do or say instead?

It’s also important to pay attention to body-related teasing at this age. Such teasing, even if innocently meant, can undermine a child’s body literacy, which is an important part of having self-confidence and agency in the event that unwanted touching does occur. If you witness teasing about the body or bodily functions, you can interrupt it by saying, “We don’t laugh about other people’s bodies. Everyone’s body is different and belongs to them.”

Likewise, identity dynamics often result in some kids experiencing more frequent encroachments on

their personal space. For example, a child in a wheelchair may have his head patted by other children, or children may pull on the hijabs worn by Muslim students. When you witness these kinds of physical interactions, you can help children advocate for themselves by saying, “She has asked you to stop. Please listen to her words.”

Tweens and teens

If you were surprised by how much your primary school child already understood about the interpersonal dynamics involved in consent, you will be taken aback by what your tweenager does – and doesn’t – already know about sex and romantic relationships. The important thing is to make it clear that it’s OK for them to ask questions and talk to a trusted adult as this can be a very confusing time for young adults.

If it seems appropriate, you can start talking about how body autonomy relates to sex and romantic relationships, but you can also continue to address the concept in the context of other subjects like history and science. For example, when children are discussing topics like colonisation or environmental degradation, you can use consent as a way of framing the discussion.

“There are ways to approach consent outside of our physical bodies,” Elizabeth Kleinrock explains. “In all of these cases, there is this assumption by the dominant group that, ‘Yes, we can go in. We can take what we want. We can treat you how we want.’”

For older secondary school students, it’s also important to address how alcohol, or other mind-altering substances, can affect situations where someone’s body autonomy and consent are involved. Again, roleplaying a situation where someone is too intoxicated to give consent is a good way to start a discussion. How can you tell if the person you’re with is too intoxicated to give consent? What should you do if their body language says something different than their verbal language? Which one should you pay attention to?

Roleplay and discussion also help secondary students parse the complicated nuances in romantic and sexual relationships. Where does flirting stop and coercion begin? What kind of touch is appropriate in a school or professional setting? What kind of touch is not? What kind of relationship is appropriate between a student and a teacher, or between an employee and an employer? What kind of relationship is not? How can you tell the difference?

Relationships are what give our lives meaning, and we never stop learning about how to be a good friend, partner or family member. Teaching children about consent and body autonomy early on – as well as during their childhood and adolescence – is a good way to help them have meaningful, enriching relationships throughout their lives.

Teens need to learn to listen to each other’s body language, as well as their words

FENG SHUI: Outdoor spaces

If a tranquil yet energising balcony or terrace is what you’re after, check out Samantha Wong’s feng shui-approved design tips

If you know the basics of feng shui (and you will if you’ve been reading this column for the past seven months), you’ll know you can radically up the sheng chi (positive energy) levels on your balcony or terrace in next to no time. Step one: Get out your scrubbing brushes and give it a good clean; accumulated dirt and dust translates into a build-up of bad luck. Step two: Clear any unnecessary clutter; chi travels best when there aren’t many obstacles in the way.

Next up, particularly on a confined balcony, check the ventilation. It may be that you need to install a couple of fans to get the air and chi flowing freely. You’re at an advantage if your balcony or terrace faces east, since feng shui says that peace and prosperity blow in on an easterly breeze. Now, check the lighting – si chi (negative energy) is drawn to spaces that are harshly or dimly lit. In addition to a couple of ceiling lights, deck your space out with standing lamps (that you can move around), candles (preferably scented) and hanging lanterns. Of course, an east-facing outdoor space that enjoys sunlight for most of the day is preferable to a west-facer that only gets the sun in the afternoon.

Natural light is your friend so, if your outdoor space is overlooked, don’t screen it off with a solid barrier that blocks out the sunlight. You’re much better off hanging a sheer curtain or growing a decorative ‘bamboo wall’ to shield yourself from prying eyes.

Furniture and accessories

take a fresh look at your outdoor furniture – and what you actually use your space for. Are there any items that you seldom use and can do without? An overcrowded space is never welcoming or productive, which is why less is always more in feng shui.

While arranging your furniture to create a balanced look, you’ll also want to balance the yin and the yang, the feminine and the masculine. You can embrace the yin with soothing colours and soft textures, and then even this out with solid furniture and a few pops of bright colour that represent the yang.

When it comes to accessorising your outdoor space, there are a number of feng shui-approved items worth introducing. These items boost the energy levels, while also promoting harmony –

harmonious surroundings support a peaceful life.

Windchimes, for instance, are a popular feng-shui cure, since they dispel si chi and replace it with sheng chi. You position a metal windchime in the west or north of an outdoor space, a wooden windchime in the south or east. Its size doesn’t matter but choose one with five, six or eight rods for maximum effect.

Feng shui says a bell is a good addition to any outdoor living space – it has the power to heal the environment around you and maintain a calming atmosphere. When the bell rings, it releases energy blockages in both your space and your mind.

Figurines depicting the four celestial animals are also well-homed in outdoor spaces. In feng shui, they denote the four directions so be sure to position them correctly. The black turtle sits in the north, the red phoenix is the guardian of the south, the green dragon sits in the east, and the white tiger is the guardian of the west.

While each of the celestial guardians serve to protect your home, the turtle also promotes harmony and stability, particularly in relationships. When you place the turtle beside a water feature (no matter how small), its effects tend to magnify.

Tap into the elements

Remember that the five elements – fire, earth, metal, water and wood – also need to be represented on your balcony or terrace. Feng shui says that a water feature placed in the north, and a barbecue (representing fire) placed in the south will bring prosperity. Whether it’s in furniture, plant pots or windchimes, metal belongs in the north-west and west. This will bode well for your future and future projects, since well-placed metal helps create an ambition-andcreativity-boosting space.

A symbol of bounty and health, wood should dominate the southeast and eastern parts of a balcony or terrace. Here, you can make use of wooden furniture, miniature trees or anything green. The earth element, meanwhile, finds its home anywhere in an outdoor space, and is easy to invoke with flowers and plants.

Plants bring ‘live’ growing chi into your life and feng shui says they also have specific ‘super powers’ – the ability to get you what you want. Jade plants are popular wealth enhancers and spider plants reduce stress; choose pink orchids for love and bamboo for luck. Evergreens and succulents with rounded leaves are always a good choice, as are flowering plants of any colour. The scent of fresh flowers is beneficial and will flood your outdoor space with sheng chi.

Flourishing plants equate to a successful life, so be sure to choose species that will do well in your particular outdoor space. And you need to take good care of them. Sweep up any fallen leaves and remove any dead plants to avoid an accumulation of si chi.

Feng shui says that a house protected by thorny plants has no need of a burglar alarm, so fill a few planters with cacti, roses or, my favourite, rosemary.

Flourishing plants equate to a successful life

Let us help you take care of your family.

enquiry@profwills.com +(852) 2561 9031

www.profwills.com