HAPPY TOGETHER THE COUPLE’S STYLE JOURNAL
ISSUE N° 1, JANUARY 2016
Dear Happy Together Readers, We are delighted to present you our magazine for happy couples. We believe in love at first sight but with this magazine we would like to remind you that love should go beyond the honeymoon effect. Read it together, as a shared moment of intimacy, and page after page discuss and consult with each other. It will help you improve your plans for living well as a couple and your relationship will continue to blossom. We would like to thank you dearly for your purchase of this very first issue of Happy Together, which we trust will provide you with a lot of reading pleasure. We would be most delighted if this letter inspires you to write us back, as we would love to hear from you. In the meantime we wish you a wonderful start for this New Year. Yours faithfully, The Editors
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4-7 Cultural/Gender Discourses Thomas W. Blume 8-11 Gender Dscourse Caring Thomas W. Blume 12-19 Sexual Narratives Thomas W. Blume 20-23 Chocolate Mousse Cake 24-31 Why do couples look alike? by R. J. Thorpe for Bustle 32-35 Gender Dscourse Passion Thomas W. Blume 36-39 Seating Etiquette 40-45 Negotiating Counseling and Treatment Strategies by Thomas W. Blume 46-49 Gender Dscourse Male Lust Thomas W. Blume
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Humans are biologically equipped to be sexual, and most people can experience sexual arousal through a variety of forms of stimulation, some of which are reproductively useful to the species. The fantasies, experiences, or activities that arouse an individual are only partially influenced by biology.
CULTURAL/GENDER DISCOURSES from Negotiating Couple Sexuality, by Thomas W. Blume1
Judith Butler (1993) described the “regulatory norms” that shape the sexual develop-
ment of individuals through reiteration of normative messages, resulting in some degree
of “materialization” in each person’s body of sexuality that fits regulatory ideals. Cultural discourses that define emotional, cognitive, behavioural and physical similarities and
differences among males and females, in combination with other cultural messages regarding sexual desire and behaviour, shape the ways in which partners see themselves as
sexual beings. Every couple faces the challenge of integrating different discourses and
may be seen, over time, as defining their own culture as their sexual narrative constructs their social conventions regarding gender and sexuality.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, Their time had always been the only one they found themselves living in, 2010, from the series Happy Together 1. Thomas W. Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
[…] Gender is, of course, only one of the cultural elements influencing sexuality and sexual problems.Among the wide variety of cultural traditions regarding sex, including religious traditions, many may be viewed as either anti-sexual or, at best, confused about sexuality (Foucault, 1990). Since Freud’s challenges to the sexual repression of his time and place, it appears that the confusion has not lessened but has become more obvious and possibly more intense. Some discourses about sexuality, including that of Freud, portray sexuality as a dangerous force that threatens society. Other sexual discourses in recent centuries have focused on gender issues:
Do men and women have similar feelings? Are their early sexual experiences significantly different? Do they respond the same ways when they are sexually aroused? Do they have the same goals for sex? As the complexity of gender has become more visible, these questions have become more elaborate:
Do all men and women fit into mutually exclusive categories with consistently different experiences? Does knowledge of a person’s biological sex predict anything about his or her sexuality? According to Butler (1993) and others, gender is a matter not of substance but of performance.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, Their time had always been the only one they found themselves living in, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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Gender Discourse CARING
Thomas W. Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
[…] Both Rodney and Nancy knew that the woman was supposed to be the caretaker, and once again their friends and family had commented on the occasions when they violated the norms. Their attempts to reestablish traditional gender roles included a gradual elimination of Rodney’s caring gestures toward Nancy. He stopped bringing her flowers and making her breakfast, and she was just happy that he was becoming “normal”.
Next page: Francesca Catastini, Florence asked those who called her for a meeting if it was for the dogs or for the fruit, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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SEXUAL NARRATIVES from Negotiating Couple Sexuality, by Thomas W. Blume1
1. Thomas W. Blume,
Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
Narrative clinicians and narrative scholars have described the human tendency to organize experiences into a story that achieves narratives coherence by pulling together characters, scenes, and plot to make the world seem less random and more predictable. As
characters in our own narratives, we discover our identities in the stories we tell and the stories others tell about us.
A nearly universal element in these narrative identities is an evaluative component (Gergen, 1994).Identity narrative do not merely report on a person’s actions, they interpret those actions in terms of some kind of ideal image. Part of the appeal of a committed
relationship is the hope that committed partner will know the narratives—both the good and the bad—and confirm that one is lovable. When a relationship becomes sexual, it
gains special power because a sexual partner knows secret—possibly upsetting—details. A supportive narrative of the self confirmed by a sexual partner is somehow more complete and has more validity than a supportive narrative confirmed by others.
When a sexual relationship is positive, the sexual narrative is a positive one: “I am a gentle but powerful, fascinating, god-like being. Just the sight of my body brings joy to my loved one, and he/she has never been this happy.” Such a positive sexual narrative invites further (reasonable) risk taking and self disclosure, which in turn becomes more positive if the partner’s love triumphs over potential problems such as scars, body odours, and asymmetrical organs. But when sex “goes bad”, the story has equal power to feel disabling: “I am disgusting, incompetent, and worthless. I may look like a normal person, but no one can stand to get close to me. There’s no use in trying to be sexual.” A negative sexual narrative can survive
in the thoughts and memories of one person, unchallanged by opposing viewpoints, if sexual experiences are not discussed. A partner’s misunderstood gesture or involuntary
twitch can live on for years as a symbolic comment, not only on the individual’s behaviour, but on his or her self worth.
Next page: Francesca Catatsini, William and Mary have been married for many years but the enthusiasm they have for each other’s gifts is always surprising, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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Ruth and Larry, for example, had enacted a rather traditional gender-related sexual pattern; Larry had been the pursuer, Ruth had been more passive. A turning point came when, in discussing their responses to a movie, they found that they felt quite differently about the idea of combining food and sex. When Ruth suggested that Larry lick chocolate syrup off her abdomen, Larry was repelled by the idea of ingesting a combination of chocolate and sweat. Ruth chose not to press what appeared to be a sensitive topic, and they resumed their routine of predictable but successful sex. The narrative now included some new elements, however. Ruth was now the “kinky” partner, as well as the “dissatisfied” partner; Larry had now become identified with “safe sex”, sexual conservatism, and avoidance of risk. Future events and conversations would determine whether they would find this new narrative an acceptable one or they would make further changes.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, And they found themselves in a house that was far too big but that silence and those rooms did not make them feel uncomfortable, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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Successful couple relationships, viewed from narrative perspective, are those in which any negative sexual experiences are somehow incorporated into a shared set of narratives
in which the positives outweigh the negatives. Increading the positive sexual “charge” in relationships and reducing negative sexual encounters are both ways of achieving
this overall positive tone, and therefore couples benefit from direct assistance with interpersonal issues such as sexual pacing, sensitivity, and appropriate technique. Sexual
interactions, in fact, offer tremendous potential for changing the relationship narrative, especially as partners become more sensitive to each others’ symbolic worlds. But in
the end it is assumed that couples have the power, through their shared narratives, to acknowledge, integrate, transcend sexual problems—their sexual relationship does not have to be solely dependent on “good sex”.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, And they found themselves in a house that was far too big but that silence and those rooms did not make them feel uncomfortable, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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CHOCOLATE MOUSSE CAKE INGREDIENTS 500g dark chocolate
2 tablespoons golden syrup 125g unsalted butter 4 eggs
1 tablespoon caster sugar
1 tablespoon plain flour, sifted Melted chocolate, to decorate Chocolate sorbet, to serve
COFFEE MASCARPONE 200g mascarpone cheese
2 tablespoons instant coffee
2 tablespoons pure icing sugar
METHOD Preheat oven to 220째C. Grease and line the base of a 20cm round spring-form cake pan with non-stick baking paper.
Melt the chocolate, golden syrup and butter in a bowl over a saucepan of gently simmering water. Set aside to cool slightly.
Place eggs and sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer or use an electric hand beater and beat
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on high or 10 minutes until very thick and pale. Gently fold in the flour then fold in the chocolate mixture until combined. Pour into the cake pan and bake on the middle shelf of the oven for 12 minutes. Remove from oven
and run a knife around the edge of the cake. Remove collar from cake pan and transfer
the cake to the fridge for 1 hour to cool (this step is important as it sets the middle of the cake).
Meanwhile, to make the coffee mascarpone, dissolve coffee in 1 tablespoon of boiling water and set aside to cool. Beat together the mascarpone, coffee and sugar in a bowl until stiff.
To make the chocolate leaf, brush non-toxic leaves with the melted chocolate. When cool, peel the leaf off.
Slice the cake and serve with a dollop of coffee mascarpone, a chocolate leaf on top and a scoop of sorbet on the side.
Next page: Francesca Catastini, Their friends who met up in those rooms full of memories always had something to say, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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WHY DO COUPLES LOOK ALIKE? 3 Reasons Partners Begin To Resemble Each Other by R. J. Thorpe for Bustle1
It is a truth universally acknowledged that couples who sidestep their individuality and become One Combined Being are the most irritating people at every cocktail party. They
talk in plurals and “we”s, have matching shirts, and — oddly — even seem to look like each other. The first two can be stopped; but science has declared that, in the last case, the
longer you’re together with a partner (and we’re talking seriously longterm here, in dec-
ades, not months), you really do start resembling each other more. It’s called convergence of appearance , if you want to get technical. But they’re still undecided as to why couples
start to dress and look alike, and there are a few competing theories about why your Aunt Wilma and Uncle Wilbur could pass for each other easily in a badly lit room.
We’ve heard that we’re likely to settle down with people who look quite similar to us — even if we casually date people who look different. Opposites may attract (Kendrick
Lamar’s never wrong, right?), but that appears to be confined to personality: while we seem to like a bit of difference in a partner’s character, when it comes to faces, it’s usually all us, all the time.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, It was the orchid which had to suit the dress, not the other way round, 2010, from the series Happy Together
1. From http://www.bustle.com/articles/82358-why-do-couples-look-alike-3-reasons-partners-begin-to-resemble-each-otherexplained, courtesy of Bustle, all rights reserved
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So what on earth is going on here —why would people start to morph
slowly into their partners, and why are scientists telling us it’s actually a good sign?
1. You Look Like Each Other To Begin With One of the greatest secrets of the dating pool is that people seem to actively attempt to
date people similar to them in some way — in education level, height, age, face shape, whatever. It’s called assortative mating, and it’s used to explain why educated people tend
to marry other educated people and double their opportunities. It’s not hard to understand why — you like somebody who knows what you’re talking about when you moan
about your 9-to-5 and college loans — but similarity is also determined, on a certain level, by genetics. And that includes faces.
We seem to like genetic similarity; opposites don’t actually attract all that conclusively, if you trust the science. A study from 2014 shows that white people in particula pick
lifetime mates who have similar DNA. Forget the obsession with band T-shirts and the inability to play Monopoly without screaming: you may not have worked out with your ex because they just weren’t that genetically compatible.
We want to pass on our genes, apparently, and somebody who looks just like us will bolster our chances of a similar-looking kid, as opposed to one that’s inherited their weird
facial hair and knock knees. (Unfortunately, there’s been little-to-no research on how this trend plays out in mixed race couples.)
Next page: Francesca Catastini, Grace was of the opinion that the exactness of contours and the elegance of shapes should concern everything, even teaspoons, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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So what on earth is going on here —why would people start to morph
slowly into their partners, and why are scientists telling us it’s actually a good sign?
1. You Look Like Each Other To Begin With One of the greatest secrets of the dating pool is that people seem to actively attempt to
date people similar to them in some way — in education level, height, age, face shape, whatever. It’s called assortative mating, and it’s used to explain why educated people tend
to marry other educated people and double their opportunities. It’s not hard to understand why — you like somebody who knows what you’re talking about when you moan
about your 9-to-5 and college loans — but similarity is also determined, on a certain level, by genetics. And that includes faces.
We seem to like genetic similarity; opposites don’t actually attract all that conclusively, if you trust the science. A study from 2014 shows that white people in particula pick
lifetime mates who have similar DNA. Forget the obsession with band T-shirts and the inability to play Monopoly without screaming: you may not have worked out with your ex because they just weren’t that genetically compatible.
We want to pass on our genes, apparently, and somebody who looks just like us will bolster our chances of a similar-looking kid, as opposed to one that’s inherited their weird
facial hair and knock knees. (Unfortunately, there’s been little-to-no research on how this trend plays out in mixed race couples.)
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, It was the orchid which had to suit the dress, not the other way round,, 2010, from the series Happy Together Next page: Francesca Catastini, Grace was of the opinion that the exactness of contours and the elegance of shapes should concern everything, even teaspoons, 2010, from the series Happy Together
2. You’re Sharing The Same Experiences The “facial likeness” study of the now-late psychologist Robert Zajonc of the University
of Michigan in 1987 is still the benchmark for people who worry they’re developing their
partner’s scowl. Zajonc and his team asked volunteers to match photographs of men and women based on their facial similarity, and found that couples who’d been married for 25 years were overwhelmingly paired together.
There are two main hypotheses for why this happened. Zajonc thought it was because a long life together meant shared experiences that left similar lines on faces — and that couples would therefore begin to look more similar.
Others are more practical, believing that it’s simply a matter of genetic similarity becoming more evident as the rigours of age remove distinguishing features. Either way, the logic
of Zajonc’s ideas is pretty easy to understand: a couple who have lived lives of hardship and difficulty will probably wear similar frown lines.
3. The Happier You Are, The More Alike You Look Zajonc’s theory of emotional face-mirroring was based on a basic principle: we mimic the
people we’re around the most. This phenomenon, called “unconscious mimicry”, has been
known for ages, and it’s why we unconsciously take on the intonation of our friends’ voices, or copy our boyfriend’s stance at the bar. It’s meant to bond us and make us feel part of the
group, but Zajonc also thought it meant mimicking a spouse over a long period of time, which would gradually reshape the face.
Genetic similarity, scientific studies show, already seems to coincide with a happy marriage
— but whether that’s cause or effect is up in the air. Are you happy because you understand each other, or because you share the same gene variant (5-HTTLPR), thought to be the key to being emotionally attuned to a relationship?
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Does the happiness make the facial similarity, or vice versa?
One thing’s for certain, though: just because you look similar doesn’t mean you’ll start to
think the same. A 2010 study showed that people who’d been married for 40 years were
just as definitively different personality-wise as they had been at the start of their marriages, even if they now shared habits, homes, and mortgages. Marriage, it seems, is only skin-deep.
Next page: Francesca Catastini, Roland and Karin used to spend their weekends in Magève, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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Gender Discourse PASSION
Thomas W. Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
[…] As he described sex, it became obvious that Rodney believed in passion; according to his romantic love narrative, people who were in love were swept away by their sexual feelings (and their resulting behaviour, though sinful, could be forgiven). Nancy’s descriptions of sex were more those of a pragmatist who viewed sexual passion as a barrier to true relationship. She recalled that she had found the intensity of their early sexual encounters to be troubling. Rather than excitement, what she wanted from sex was reassurance and comfort. A man who was excited by sex might go elsewhere looking for it, and therefore she wasn’t going to encourage him to think of sex as thrilling.
Next page: Francesca Catastini, They always suggested to those who moaned about the English weather that they should build a conservatory, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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SEATING ETIQUETTE Table Manners Guide
COCKTAIL GLASSES Do not bring a cocktail glass to the dinner table. The glass crowds the place setting. In addition, the taste of spirits may counteract the flavor of wine served with the meal. Leave the cocktail glass in the room where cocktails are served.
WHERE TO SIT Place cards identify the places people are to sit; they are used to eliminate confusion when more than six people dine together. The place of honor at the table is to the right side of the host because most people are right-handed. Traditionally the principal guest’s wife would be placed on the host’s left, the host’s wife being placed on the right of the principal guest. If wives are present, the second most important guest would be placed on the host’s left. It is now as likely for the host, or the principal guest, to be a woman, in which case the same basic principles may be applied, with any necessary adaptations employed to achieve the desired balance. Unless protocol is being observed, other guests should not be seated according to their importance.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, The owners were a young blue-eyed couple, the mirror image of the Vikings and, like the Vikings, they enjoyed theirr reputation for being savage ,2010, from the series Happy Together
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At a private function the host is customarily seated at one end of the table, and the hostess at the other. Alternatively, the host may be seated in the centre of one side of the table and the hostess immediately opposite him. Exceptionally, if the party is eight in number, the hostess may give up her place to the chief male guest, otherwise it is impracticable to keep to the rule of seating the sexes alternately. In general, couples are not seated together; traditionally, the exception was those engaged to be married or in their first year of marriage. Beyond these few guidelines, guests should be arranged in the way that the host feels will be most congenial for conversation. In a private residence the hostess should suggest where to leave a purse, purses should not be brought to the table. In a restaurant or public place it is held on the lap or placed close at hand.
HOW LONG TO HOLD DINNER FOR A LATE GUEST Dinner should be delayed no more than 15 to 20 minutes to accommodate a late guest’s arrival. If a guest arrives late to a formal meal, a butler or maid receives them at the door with the hostess still seated.
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, The owners were a young blue-eyed couple, the mirror image of the Vikings and, like the Vikings, they enjoyed theirr reputation for being savage ,2010, from the series Happy Together
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NEGOTIATING Counseling and Treatment Strategies Extracts from Negotiating Couple Sexuality, by Thomas W. Blume1
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, Matthew used to do the pruning carefully and the garden was blooming, 2010, from the series Happy Together 1. Thomas W. Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
[…] Of special interest at the couple level, is the coordination of identity narratives. Nar-
ratives and behaviour must somehow fit together, and there are many possible mismatches. Early relationship struggles over identity can be intense, as can the negotiation throughout a relationship when partners use maladaptive strategies instead of pursuing a genuine mutual accommodation. Many couples, for example, find their “morning person” and “night
person” identities in conflict. If sex is limited to the bedroom, their sexual interaction may be quite limited by not being in bed and awake at the same time. The discourse of domination
makes it hard for either partner to “become a different person” by giving up long-standing behaviour patterns. Furthermore, one or both partners may attempt to persuade the other one to make the majority of the changes.
from Thomas W.Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, pp. 99
[…] The most mature negotiation strategies involve openly sharing feelings and beliefs, hopes and fears, and honest observations of self and other (Edelman & Crain, 1994; Selman
& Demorest, 1984). Such negotiations seek a resolution in which both partners are validated and the relationship is strengthened. Neither individual is wedded to a particular
solution; instead, there is an honest exploration of the basis for the conflict and an openness to all possible resolutions. Even after a joint decision is made there is continuing review of the process and the decision in hopes of improving future conflict management.
I have found that couples perform at their best in negotiations that are structured to en-
courage these positive patterns. First, I help them to identify issues in a non-blaming way, temporarily setting aside any assumptions about how they should be resolved. “We aren’t in agreement about how frequently we’d like to be sexual with each other” is quite different, at
this phase of negotiation, from “He wants sex all the time and I want him to let me alone.” Fisher and Ury (1981) refer to this as part of “interest-based” rather than “position-based” negotiation; people tend to open with the positions they intend to take, and that impedes discussion.
from Thomas W.Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, pp. 98
Opposite: Francesca Catastini, Matthew used to do the pruning carefully and the garden was blooming, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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Gender Discourse MALE LUST
Previous page: Francesca Catastini, Helen had an idyllic childhood, 2010, from the series Happy Together Thomas W. Blume, Negotiating Couple Sexuality, courtesy of the author, all rights reserved
A powerful and seemingly universal gender narrative portrays the human male as “only interested in one thing”. […]Depending on how it is expressed, this discourse of the lusty male either glorifies and celebrates the sex-obsessed male or ridicules him as helpless in the thrall of his hormones. The idea of a male “sex drive”, though problematic, may be useful for relationships in sexually repressive cultures, ensuring that someone is taking primary responsibility for reproductive activity (e.g. Rainwater, 1960). The American film “Carnal Knowledge” (1971) portrayed this view of young men; they have a tough job, making sure that sex does not die out. Their methods may be suspect, but the goal is one on which they and the larger society agree. The male in such a tradition has the responsibility not only to initiate sex but also to be an expert on things sexual. He is expected to accumulate sexual experience so that he can do the important job of socializing his female partner. many comedians have built their routines around this version of the lust theme, and some of their strongest laughter comes from women who can remember how their “good girl” identities were protected by blaming sexual activity on their sex-obsessed partners.
Next page: Francesca Catastini, The couple did several sports in their free time, like tennis and fencing. They went skiing in winter and went swimming in summer, 2010, from the series Happy Together
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ON THE COVER: Grace was of the opinion that the exactness of contours and the elegance of shapes should concern everything, even teaspoons, 2010, from the series Happy Together, Š Francesca Catastini
EDITOR IN CHIEF Francesca Catastini ART DIRECTOR & DESIGN Francesca Catastini OFFICE MANAGER Francesca Catastini ASSISTANT Francesca Catastini CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Thomas W. Blume, Nelyta Malaspina, R. J. Thorpe for Bustle.com
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