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article 5

Stepping off the bus into an indecisive Irish drizzle the first thing you are confronted with is a seven foot tall football player with the eyes of a homicidal maniac and the arms of an irate silverback. This man is built like a brick shit-house. He doesn’t have a face, per se, more of a neck with pupils. As you pick up your luggage from the bag compartment, the man gives you a stare that you will remember for the rest of your life. He does the same to each child. Then he starts barking at you in another language. This is the Gaeltacht. The football player is the headmaster of the summer school of Loch an Iuir - a small village in county Donegal where the 300 exiled souls that make up its population speak only in Irish. A population you’ll be living with for the next 21 days. They are all, incidentally, batshit-insane.

The settlement itself is the definition of ‘arsehole of nowhere.’ It has one school, one petrol station and, of course, one pub – all within one hundred metres of each other. The petrol station has schizophrenia, and from time to time sells fish and chips. Nobody would have thought it was possible to deep-fry haddock in diesel, but it is. For three weeks during the summer, secondary school children from across Ulster find themselves holed up in this village and living with a

local family in a house with enough bunk-beds to give a paedophile drill sergeant a rudeon. You are allowed no TV and no computers. iPods and mobiles are strongly discouraged. You go to Irish language class for about 3 hours every day and you’re given a timetable of activities to go to – traditional Irish dancing, traditional Irish music, and traditional Irish finger painting. Adhere to the timetable or you’ll have to explain yourself to Master Neckface – in Irish. Believe me; it is fairly difficult to say “I forgot about it” in a different language while a rhinoceros glares at you. You adhere to the fucking timetable. Considering the rules (no sex, no drugs, and no rock and roll) it is no surprise a healthy black market quickly develops among the campers. Most deals involve cigarettes or vodka being exchanged for a ridiculous amount of Euros, but you do get the occasional bit of weed floating around. Generally though, whoever smuggles in the most Lambert and Butler usually earns more money than Joe, the glass-eyed manager of the petrol station. The whole place is a strange, dystopian otherworld– a cross between a rehab clinic for teen junkies and a child soldier training camp for the IRA. The prevalence of high-jinks during my incarceration was notably high. Students were always being thrown off the summer course for some reason or another. Some campers thought nothing of it when they dodged behind the petrol station for a quick smoke between classes. In hindsight, they probably shouldn’t have lit up so close to the station’s gas tanks, clearly marked “Flammable as fuck.” Fortunately, in Ireland, nothing explodes unless somebody wants it to. The young fellows were caught and they got away with your standard harsh warning. But lads from the dark corners of West Belfast don’t much care for warnings. Let me explain: the school occasionally held special events - for the purposes of keeping up morale, you understand. The costume competition was a regular favourite year after year. Amid the usual dealings of the evening – the furtive hustle of fags in jean pockets and the careful pouring of whiskey into a half-finished bottle of Coke - the lads from the Westside decided to don a few balaclavas, some army surplus gear and pick up a bit of replica weaponry. They stepped out of their house and began stopping drivers who were on their way through the village.

“FORTUNATELY, IN IRELAND, NOTHING EXPLODES UNLESS SOMEBODY WANTS IT TO” Some useful Irish phrases: Tabhair dom an uisce beatha, le do thoil. Pass the whiskey, please. Tam tabac! Smokin’ time! Fuck! Munteior! Fuck! Teacher! Go lagaí galar tógálach do chroí. May an infectious disease weaken your heart.

Excuse me, miss, said one of the fellas to a pensioner who had politely rolled down her window, Have you seen any protestants in the area? What? replied the woman, No- I mean- what? What is this? Who are you? We, ma’am, said the costumed young man, are the I.R.A. The illusion was complete. The old lady took off and the Garda (Police) promptly arrived on the scene.I said things in Ireland don’t explode unless someone wants them to. Sorry, that was a lie. Because old Neckface exploded that night. Fuck, he went up like Dresden. The boys were quickly chucked out of the school. By the time their Mas and Das came up and drove them back to Belfast, the legend was already taking shape amongst the campers. The fellas had been set up. The ‘Ra had actually been there. The Master had been in a shoot-out with the fellas! The kind of spectacular bullshit any Irishman or woman worth their salt would be proud to spread. By the end of the week someone had posted a billboard on the school’s timetable that read “Free the Loch an Iuir Twelve!” essentially giving them the status of nationally revered political martyrs. Following the inevitable clampdown (on everything) it became difficult to procure cigarettes and there was something of a booze drought. This made the bi-weekly game of “get-absolutely-fuckingshatter-blasted-without-the-teachers-noticing” that bit more difficult. Luckily, each house was staffed with a ‘young leader’, usually a university student. I’m sure we all know how corrupt uni students can become. The young leader of the house I stayed in would get our contraband in exchange for humiliating foot massages and embarrassing musical performances. If the wild rumours of sexual favours being demanded from the kids of other houses are to be believed (and they probably shouldn’t be), we got lucky. When it came time for our release back to the urban wastes of Northern Ireland we were thoroughly institutionalised. Readjusting to normal boring summer life at home was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. To this day I still check my back pocket to see if my pack of Golden Virginia is sticking out. I don’t even smoke. a

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Ideology, Racism and Youtube

From Aesop’s Hare to Mr. Toad, children’s stories and fables have usually had the duel purpose of calming little kids down and teaching them something about cultural morality. The tortoise won the race thanks to his perseverance, Rumplestiltskin lost what should have been his because of his reckless bragging and the third little pig, who built out of brick, didn’t get eaten because he adapted to the modern industrial method of living or something. But children’s stories have come a long way since the days of yore. Television and the internet have drastically reshaped the way that we sedate children. Whilst you probably shouldn’t give your four year-old child beer or whiskey you can turn on a television. Unlike the tortoise and the hare, television stories do not need to withstand the levels of retelling as Aesop’s Fables have. Instead, they are inherently disposable: used and replaced, over and over again. Without this, children’s entertainment would not be the lucrative industry that it is. It is a consequence that moral content is just not as important/ marketable as pure entertainment a(normally in the form of rapid movements and bright colours.) Additionally, parents do not have anywhere near the control over what their children learn about when watching television as they would were they reading books with them. When it comes to the programs themselves, we take most as being innocuous and inoffensive. “They wouldn’t tell children bad things. That wouldn’t be allowed!” we think. And for the

most part, I see no evidence to believe otherwise. The only possible person who might disagree is American uber-conservative Ann Coulter who accuses Sesame Street of promoting liberal hegemony and homosexuality. For the most part, we do not think about what these shows are teaching children. We take it for granted that they have messages within them. Praise of Blue Peter does not usually fall along the lines of “Oh yeah, I let Jimmy watch it because it really helps foster a liberal creative attitude within him.” Instead it just shuts him up and keeps him from stealing his sister’s dolls. With this relationship to children’s programming it can come as a shock when we see programs that break from this formula of inoffensive niceness. One particular example that has caused understandable degrees of outrage in The US and Israel is Hamas TV’s “The Pioneers of Tomorrow”. The program was brought to the West’s attention two years ago by the Mossadfounded agency the Middle East Media Research Institute. The program itself, widely spread and translated for YouTube viewing pleasure is a truly bizarre mix of sketches and phone-ins to a live studio. There have been a string of main characters: Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-a-like, who was murdered by Mossad for refusing to give them the key to Tel-Aviv. Nahoul the Bee who died when the Israeli blockade prevented him from getting to an Egyptian Hospital. And only last month Assud, aka the Jew Eating Rabbit, who died when the Al Aqsa TV station was hit in the Israeli bombardment of Gaza. The

whole thing is a strange mix of the normal bright colours and comic voices of Western children’s entertainment but with more than an overtone of extreme anti-Westernism. I still struggle to see how it mixes with breakfast cereal on Saturday mornings. Closer to home, but similar, is the BNP’s attempt at entertaining children; the YouTube sensation-in-waiting Billy Brit. Unlike The Pioneers of Tomorrow, this is less entertainment and more just an attempt to shove a message down the throat of the viewer. Billy is an eight year old British boy. Yet as it never even verges near entertainment, it is impossible to see it as anything other than a ginger puppet with an old man’s hand stuck up its arse. Billy tells us the story about they took away his ball because he was being a racist. Now he is “sick and tired of it all!” There is too much “political correctness this and racism that…. either you grown ups sort this country out, or us kids will!” Fortunately for planet Earth, no child will ever buy this bullshit. Even the plots of the episodes don’t make any sense. In episode two, Billy is captured by antifascists, who then turn out to be the BNP, and then they give him a magazine about how racism affects white people…however he is still tied up in cords. He then goes and forms a band which plays “The Reds Smell”. It is at this point that no one gives a fuck, and it is all left alone. Whilst it is easy to get angry at both of these examples of ideological entertainment aimed at children, I don’t think there is much point. For a start it is impossible to gauge how children are

actually going to react to this stuff without some kind of focus group research that no one is ever going to do. So instead it is better to take this as an opportunity to see the world from the side of those that we disagree with. In both cases they are not defending their positions, but explaining them. Whoever it was that had his hand up Billy’s butt clearly thinks that being a bigot is fine. However, this case is of little importance, namely because no one watches Billy. The Pioneers of Tomorrow on the other hand can be seen as a genuinely threatening programme aimed at inciting racial hatred. Yet, were I a Palestinian television producer whose job it was to explain to children what the hell was going in politics when bombs were falling everywhere, maybe putting adults in Mickey Mouse costumes would seem a good way to do it. And oddly, thanks to YouTube, the stories of Farfour are being told over and over again, and we are searching for morality within them. “And as the little mouse was punched to death in a sweaty office, he died happy knowing he did the best he could. The end.” a

left: stills from “Pioneers of Tomorrow right: stills from Billy Brit episode 1

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feb 25 Grum

Leeds boy Grum will be cranking out some crazy Melodic Heavy Electro Trash. With a twist of Eighties disco

Coin Operated Boy Sheffield Electro Wunderkind will deliver Raucous Glitched Up Electro

Ali Click Brings Italo, NY Grooves and Tech Infused Funk. Sweet!

10pm -3am £3 on Door

mar 25 Joe and Will Ask? Fresh from releasing their first EP on Kitsune Maison, Joe and Will Ask? will be making an unmissible appearance at Sheffield’s Underground Electro Night. Definetly not to be missed!

Up & Atom Take a break from their Club Pony Residency To play the Techy-Electro that we all want to hear. Music to your ears!

Spoonfed Remind you of the time a big gay bear in Berghain was cuddling with you in a dark corner, thrusting to minimal tech.

fairground @Casbah,

10pm -3am £4 on Door

1 Wellington St Sheffield

find the facebook group search: Fairground Sheffield.

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HUV POSITIVE REMAKING LEEDS

Leeds City Council is good at self aggrandisement. £4 million is being spent changing the name of Dark Neville Street to Light Neville Street. In lieu of an obvious local symbol - like the docks in Liverpool or Hendersonís Relish in Sheffield - the council has come up with a slogan, plastering LEEDS: LIVE IT, LOVE IT over every hoarding and public notice. Currently, the hype machine is surging ahead, canons blazing with the councilís darling project, the creation of Holbeck Urban Village (HUV). It is an interesting opportunity: the chance to create an entire self contained community from scratch. Before the plans for HUV were first mooted, the area was little more than an abandoned non place between the railway station and the marginalised suburbs of Holbeck and Beeston Hill. Consisting mostly of a disused car park and some empty warehouses, it had become a notorious red light district. Now, however, we have been promised better things: so many things in fact that some disappointment in the final product must be unavoidable. Amongst other things, HUV is poised to become the centre for Leedsí creative and digital media industry, provide a vital link between the city centre and the surrounding suburbs, become the Shoreditch of the North, preserve local heritage, and become a friendly community for ëwork, rest and playí where you can park your riverboat and indulge in a spot of fishing before popping into Jamie Oliverís new restaurant. I believe that the regeneration of a derelict car park can only be a good thing, but the kinds of promises being made by developers and the council suggest a lack of consensus on what HUV is trying to be. In particular, there is a real tension between the plans which suggest a closed community committed to new ways of living, and those which view the village as a bridge and point of interaction between Leeds and its suburbs. For new and potential residents, developers are selling the vision of a green, clean utopia and are falling over themselves to compare the former stereotypes of burnt out cars, prostitutes and neglected factories to the future of HUV: a safe space far superior to the unattractive suburbs. The suburbs themselves have been assured that HUV will be good for them, though little detail has been provided besides the assumption that they will benefit by proximity.

The development has not, of course meant the end of prostitution in the city. Instead, the ladies and their punters have moved further down towards Holbeck, generating a lot of jealousy and ill feeling towards HUV which has been an issue since the beginning. £800m is being poured into the project by the council and Yorkshire Forward, with long standing residents of the suburbs claiming that the social problems are simply moving out of the site of HUV and into their communities. Holbeckís citizens have complained that their neighbourhood is being neglected by the planners and losing its identity as all attention is focused on the creation of the new village. There are currently no plans to build a supermarket in HUV, the view being that it would go against the ethic of the urban village, which should be committed to greener, local, novel alternatives. So far nothing constructive has been put forward, and meanwhile the residents of Holbeck have been campaigning for the construction of a local supermarket for over a year, arguing that the 45 minute walk to the centre of Leeds will be the death of their community; HUV risks becoming a sterile and empty place if gentrification becomes prioritized over the everyday needs of the residents.

“we have been promised better things: so many things in fact that some disappointment must be unavoidable”

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Though the urban village is an exciting idea, it will be difficult to turn it into both the dream community for urban families who read Country Life, and the artistic quarter of the city. If more effort is put into forging a relationship between the surrounding suburbs and HUV, then the vision of the Shoreditch of the North may not be out of the realm of possibility. New residents sold on the dream of a self contained utopia will struggle to insulate themselves from the scary outside world of prostitutes and supermarkets, short of physically walling themselves in. But this should not be how HUV is selling itself. It is difficult to imagine HUV as the creative hub of town if it resembles a sanitized gated community. Preserving local heritage means more than doing up an old mill to turn it into a conference centre. Retaining some of the local character includes recognising the shadier sides of the area as well as the pretty parts. But this should not be a problem for the creative residents HUV is hoping to attract. Leave some of the less salubrious parts of HUV intact, and before long there will be hoards of art students roaming the streets taking gritty photographs to develop in their new Innovation Awardwinning studios. The cramped back-to-back terraces of Holbeck could be pitched as valuable local heritage (there is already a feature on their quaintness in the city museum) to appeal to young professionals. The developers will not be able to solve all social problems (unless they are able to drive out the prostitutes all the way along the canal to Liverpool) but considering the needs of both new buyers and existing residents will help a lot more than a new Jamie Oliver restaurant. Unless, of course, he makes another documentary and sorts everybody out. a

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“we share more with architects; we combine theory and practice. we can read, but we also know how to build and destroy, and sometimes kill.”

MILITANT URBANISM WAR MEETS CRITICAL THEORY

This quote, expressing an attitude that would enliven any episode of Grand Designs, is by Shimon Naveh, a former Israeli general who ran the Operational Theory Research Institute, a group whose purpose was to inform Israeli military strategy with theories of urbanism. At its height, the OTRI was a body better funded and larger than many international university schools of architecture. Their reason was simple: its students were inherently urban theorists, their practice entirely dependent upon their perception of the city. Israel’s recent engagements have been in dense urban settings, using a strategy based on targeting specific individuals or groups of fighters unlike the masses of a traditional army. Fighting in such places, the army’s enemy is not so much people themselves, but their conception of the city. Urban war is characterised by chaos: plans are uncertain and dependent on a massive number of things, overall operational control is near impossible and there is a continuously changing spatial relationship between groups of people. Most teenage boys would be innately aware of this from their own video game war experiences, playing online with teams of people they’ve never met in real life. The distinction between front and behind, forward and backward is lost in a maze of buildings. To acknowledge this as part of your strategy is to open up a whole new interpretation of the city in which conceptions of what is public, private, inside and outside are continuously re-imagined and subverted. The war which Israel wanted to fight

was one which specifically targeted certain people whilst avoiding the potentially deadly traps they would set; in the streets they might walk down, the doors they might enter through, the windows they might look out of. In effect, if they could invert the normal relationships of street and building, even that of interior and exterior, they would avoid engaging with their enemy’s city. Pictures from the recent conflict in Gaza showed soldiers entering and searching through private houses whilst families sat there, contained. A common remark about this type of war is the calmness of the city as it takes place. Fighting doesn’t take place in public, but the location of this realm could change at any point. Reports describe the strange sections drawn through buildings as Israeli soldiers were both above and below the floors occupied by Palestinian fighters as each passed separately through the building. Creating new city streets, the Israelis successively demolished the walls between connected buildings in order to march forwards. Imagine, in an instant, your house has become a street, the main artery of the city, through which an advancing army marches. Civilians, banned from the street, are in fact thrown out of their houses, onto the streets which are the new interior spaces. The entire city is turned inside out as one side imposes its militant urban plan. “To really appreciate architecture you may even need to commit a murder. Architecture is defined by the actions it witnesses as much as by the enclosure of its walls.” These words form part of The Manhattan Transcripts, a book by the Swiss architect Bernard Tschumi published in the 1970s. In a storyboard composed of the architectural drawing conventions of plan, section and elevation, the work sought to examine the joins between architecture and the activities which take place within it. By no coincidence, Tschumi is the thinker whose

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“imagine, in an instant, your house has become a street, the main artery of the city, through which an advancing army marches” influence is most valued by generals of the Israeli Defence Force. It perhaps seems odd to imagine the military as a body with an intellectual basis; if the Israelis are urban planners, maybe the French are poets, the Germans are analytic philosophers, forming a marauding force of beardy theorists. Tschumi’s architectural writings attempt to merge the traditional distinction between real and idealised spaces. This he calls transgression. It is based upon the paradox of experiencing a place whilst simultaneously holding a critical position about it. “Transgression does not mean the methodical destruction of any code or rule that concerns space or architecture. On the contrary, it introduces new articulations between inside and outside, between concept and experience.” Born out of late 20th century critiques of capitalism and production, contemporary with the events of 1968 and Debord’s idea of an all-encompassing ‘Society of the Spectacle,’ this critical thread has arguably been co-opted by the market in western cities, but found its strongest expression in the military. Note the recent contrived use of choreographed ‘flash mobs’ to advertise mobile phones; an event which challenges the limits and rules of the city is made only to be repeated over and over as an image of spontaneous behaviour. Compare this with the army breaking down the walls, the reality of war continually creating a new form of the city. Then imagine these events changing location, perhaps taking place in Sheffield city centre. Imagining the city for the purposes of war, however crude or immoral, is an exercise worth undertaking. We understand the space around us through the actions we make there. War is the most potent example that cities aren’t contained by clear, zoned distinctions of use. The regeneration of cities is often constricted by binary thinking; old and new, retail and leisure, artificial distinctions which limit the range of experiences. The war machine is, in a very perverse way, one of the most creative practices imaginable. a

Sheffield is a Warzone. Here, Sheffield looks like a Saturday afternoon in Kosovo. A mass of rubble, broken glass and what look like barricades after a riot. The Moor is left as a collection of derelict shells, positions waiting to be occupied. People go around their usual business in the ruined landscape, waiting to be transformed into the shiny people in the new designs. Sheffieldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a city of half finished utopias. The current recession has left the development plans for the city centre in suspense, with the developer for the new retail quarter withdrawing for the foreseeable future and numerous shops going out of business. The empty buildings across the city centre form a sort of phantom city; half-finished constructions and half-finished demolitions both sit redundant. Is this area useless? What other things could happen here? Perhaps war is a good start. The buildings could be sold to the Israeli army as a training ground, or as a set for those psychological landscape scenes in TV detective dramas. If you are feeling less extreme, at least a paintball park for all the youths to spend their hours of boredom in. The moral of the story is, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bulldoze before you can afford to rebuild, otherwise you look like a six year old who has just arrogantly broken his toys.

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ELECTRO With so many things going in this town that no one know what is going on, we thought we might try and sort it the fuck out. An article by LouisLouis is here to help you understand the maze of what hipsters call ‘genre’. Coin Operated Boy has written so that you too can be a DJ. And finally, we have asked a cross section of Sheffield’s electro glitterati all the questions you wanted to, but were too afraid to ask. Think of it as speed dating, but with DJs and Club nights. You get twenty seconds to choose the best one and go on a date! And then you hope they are not a Trekkie fetishist (unless you are one too!)

What’s this clock you ask? Why, it’s a techno’clock. If you’re a producer, DJ or find yourself far too deep in conversations about cool new genres, simply give it a subtle glance and it will invent a genre for you. Mention it and you’re suddenly the coolest person in the room. Over 6000 unique combinations! Meta Pimple Tech? Urban Bumble Core? Problem solved.

GENRE SPANNER My life and Blog revolve around one genre of music at the moment, Dance. Mainly House, all right, mainly ‘Fidget’ House. I’m going to take you on a journey, hold tight. But what is this absurdly named ‘Fidget’ House? You’re not allowed to think I’m a dick for calling it that, or even putting the music into a pigeonhole, because whether you like it or not you hippies, genre names are very efficient at describing the sound. ‘Fidget’ is my main cup of tea I must admit, although the name is annoying I’ve learnt to accept it for what it is, I hope this helps you on your journey to acceptance too. ‘Fidget’ was coined from DJ styles like the ones of Trevor Loveys, Lee Mortimer and Dave “Switch” Taylor, I think it must’ve been used by someone when literally trying to describe what music they like. Fidget as a name, no matter how bizarre, works very well in my opinion. It describes the style, the sense and the dancing style of the genre in one word. Erratic bass lines, big build-ups and a wonky temperament fill the genre along with a scene of DJ’s and kids that are slowly taking over all genres of Dance music. Did anyone see Crookers ‘Day N’ Nite’ mix making into the charts? (How could you not) A dark day for us Fidget lovers, but a great day for the Fidget genre. I plan on it taking over the music world, I don’t know about you. Closely related to Fidget is, Midget House? Surely not. Surely yes, I’m afraid. No no, not a genre designed for vertically challenged people, but a combination of minimal techno and fidget house, believe it or not. Try tone down a fidget house song, hard enough I know, or try add a bit of wonkiness to a techno song. You’ll see it rise people, just you watch. It’ll just take a while. If you want to know more, don’t use Google. All I got were websites on small mobile homes.

Midget House, otherwise known as Micro-House, will lead you on to the one half of it which is made up of Techno qualities. Techno is a whole barrel of genre names itself, completely different to the House scene, but like with Midget House as an example will crossover the boundaries quite frequently. Even when it’s not welcome, using Midget House again here as an example. You’ve got Detroit Techno, Techno House, Techno Dance, Electro Techno that all can be added under the House Genre list. So no matter how much I don’t want to like Techno music, you can see its influences a lot in today’s House music scene. Maximal - the complete opposite of all things Minimal and Techno. It’s where you turn up every treble, mid and bass knob up on a Fidget house track even more, I don’t know how but it’s possible, believe. You’ll find added instruments and noises in there which make the tracks in this genre a lot more chaotic. Check out artists like the wellknown The Bloody Beetroots and Mustard Pimp. I generally see it as mid-party peak-rave music, you know, when you’re at your maximal drunk in the night and you start swinging your arms and head about. Maximal may lead you on to bass. I love bass. The current trend in dance music, especially house music, is revolving around bass more than it ever has. I’m happy about this. You’ve got all sorts of bass you know, although it technically is just a low frequency. You got Big Bass, which consists of big bass that can be like break-beat with off-beat rhythms and huge bass whomps. Booty Bass & Miami Bass, which obviously was originated in Miami, mainly inspired by bikini clad women shaking their ‘booties’. I’m a fan o’ that. There’s Techno Bass, Funky Bass, Disco Bass, Happy Bass, Slap Bass (But I hear you need a big thumb for the last one?) A lot of genre names pretty much speak for themselves don’t they really.

Can their ever be too much bass? That comes down to opinion. Has anyone noticed the rapid rising of Dubstep into the spotlight? For bass fans it can’t get much better, originally derived from 2-step UK Garage in the recent years, it takes the simplicities of garage bass and maximises it so your ears bleed. In my opinion, excellent for about half an hour. After that there is a high chance you will get a headache and get dizzy, but *before*that you’ll be lovin’ it and screwing your face up and crouching over dancing like you’re constipated. To find out more, check out pioneers of the genre like Skream, Burial, Digital Mystikz, Kode9. Dupstep derives from 2-Step Garage then, 2-step meaning it’s half beat, using only the 1st and 3rd beats in a bar and Garage meaning you’re definitely going to have a guest pop-star vocal in almost every song in this genre. Think Craig David and then let’s change the subject from that crooning pillock. Closely associated with 2-step Garage is, Speed Garage. You’re gonna get time-stretched vocals with this, you’re gonna get big thumping wobbly basslines n’ all. See, I’m not going to diss Garage because whether you or I like it or not, everyone loves a bit of garage when they’re drunk. The rise is inevitable, with nights like Bigger Than Barry getting intensely more popular. Before you know it, you’ve come back around to ‘Fidget’ house. Which to me, as this is all about my opinion after all, is the cream of today’s crop. It takes the whomping bass from Techno, the bleeps and noises from Minimal, the 4x4 beat of House music, the build up and drops of Dubstep, the vocals from Garage minus the cheese and crooning, an added perfect element of electro and there you have it. Wonk. I mean, Fidget. I mean Party Time! for more quips and fidget visit itslouislouis.blogspot.com

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So chaotic, and anarchic it is hard to imagine them ever sitting down to write songs, let alone craft the rough masterpieces of wonky bassline beats and lyrical social criticism. Give us a sniff on dem poppers.

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Sheffield electro special

Wonk Skullduggery By day, by night? Office night job by day. All round wonker by night. Genre? Speed Garage with less violence spliced with fidget house. Crunked up post electro funk, ravestep and wonk hop. Signature record? Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder

By day, by night? Producers and DJs Collective Genre? Nothern Electronic Soul Signature record? Radio Scarecrow In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? The Black Dog Footwear? Duffs or Vans First record and last record bought? Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols Kick by Smash TV

In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? An Otter

Audience? Come as you are, just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pretend

Footwear? Flashy Nikes or Sandals

dustscience.com

Vibe? Never trust a hippy

First record and last record bought? Some Josh Wink Tune I Think Positif by Mr.Oizo

Genre? Christlike House Signature record? The Ghost Within by Willie Wanker In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? The Sphinx (although slightly transparent in coloration) Footwear? No to winklepickers, No to trendy Nike colourways. Fuck yes to steel toecapse with tv remotes gaffer taped on. First record and last record bought? Using Your Children as Weaponary by Diabetic MCs Do You Serve Zebra? By Lion Man

Audience? Anybody who likes a good brap! Vibe? Legs shaking, big smiles, gunfingers-ah-plenty and peace and love.

By day, by night? Wimps by day. Providers of Rythmic Tisms by night.

Dust Science

Audience? Phine Bitches locked in K madness Vibe? Just collecting payment, let God provide the rest. myspace.com/thesquire ofgothos

Squire of Gothos

WITH MORE SIRENS THAN A FIRE TRUCK, THIS IS ELECTRO FOR THOSE WITH ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER

Bigger Than Barry

By day, by night? All round badmans!!

Genre? 2-step, dubstep, big step, dutty step Signature record? I feel Good by Zed Bias In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? Zebra… just grazin’ an that!!! Footwear? Sandals and Socks First record and last record bought? Frog on the Tyne by Gazza Some crazy Rusko diddies Audience? Barry loves all! Vibe? Bare Hype!!! Ya diggy diggy dun know myspace.com/biggertha nbarry

Coin Operated Boy By day, by night? Produce and DJ

Genre? Post-Donk, Maximal Electrocore Signature record? The Pesky Daft Punk Remix I did or Together in Electric Dreams by the Human League In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? See the buffalo standing tall and proud among the other animals? I’m the flys buzzing arrounds its arse. Footwear? Nike 6.0s First record and last record bought? Wild Wild West by Will Smitth, a choice I stand by! The Girl’s Aloud Album. Don’t Judge me, it’s ace. Audience? Whoever is most likely to be listening Vibe? Three speeds is best coinoperatedboy.co.uk

25 Bitslap By day, by night? Something serious and academic by day. Genre? You're expecting me to say 'chiptune' or '8-bit' aren't you? Well I'm not going to. The gameboy is the means to an end, not the end in itself. Signature record? Final Frontier by Underground Resistance. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll have changed my mind though. In the big metaphorical Sheffield electro zoo, which animal are you? Well as lng as it’s strictly metaphorical: Manatee Footwear? Especially in winter. First record and last record bought? (Bang Zoom) Let’s Go Go by the Real Roxanne Industry Standard part 2 by Terror Danjah Audience? I’m not to fussed either way. My only stipulation is that it should be low on pretentious twats. Vibe? Mostly drunk myspace .com/bi tslap

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:: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : By day, by night? :: :: : : :: :: : Run Hide Survive & : :: :: : : :: :: Club::Pony/Trying to : :: : : :: :: get :: to sleep :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : Genre? :: :: : : :: :: : Electronic proto :: funk/maximal :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : tech/hi nrg :: : :: :: : : :: euro/ny :: :: : : ::disco :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: Signature : : :: :: : :: record? :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: Anything but :: : :: :: : stop : :: :: : don't :: believing :: : : :: by :: : :: journey... :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: In :: the : big : :: :: : metaphorical :: :: : : :: :: : Sheffield :: :: : electro : :: :: : :: : : :: :: : zoo,::which animal :: : :: :: : are :: you?: :: :: :Evolution's : :: :: : Koalas: :: :: : : :: :: : mistake, :: :: : : :: :: : superficially :: :: : : :: :: : popular with the :: : :: :: : : :: tourists but :: :: : : :: :: : destined :: :: : to: quickly :: :: : become :: :: extinct : : :: due :: : :: : : :: of :: : to a::total lack :: :: : survival : :: :: : necessary :: :: outside : : :: of:: : skills :: :: very :: : the :: zoo.: oh: and :: :: : : :: :: : slow and lazy. :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : Footwear? :: :: : : :: :: : Purple/Turquoise :: :: : : :: :: : Reebok :: :: Reverse : : :: Jams :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: Record : : :: First and :: : :: : : bought? :: :: : last::record :: : : -:: :: : Iron::Maiden :: :: : In : :: Somewhere Time::LP : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : Vibe? :: :: : : :: :: : Beef? :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : myspace.com/runhides :: :: : : :: :: : urvived :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: :

Run Hide Survive

: :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : THE PRETTIEST BOYBAND: : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: AROUND. : : :: MELODIES :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: WITH : : INTERTWINING : :: :: : : :: :: : COMPLEX BEATS TO CREATE: : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: WEBS : :OF :: SYNTHPOP :: : : : :: HEAVEN. :: : : LIVE, :: :: THEY : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: UNFORTUNATELY :: : : :: :: PLAY : : : INSTRUMENTS :: :: : : INSTEAD :: :: : OF: : :: HIGHLY :: : COREOGRAPHED : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : ROUTINES. : :: :: DANCE : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : By day, by night? : :: :: : : :: :: : Drama student by day. : : :: :: : : :: by :: : : Clubbing-Djing : :: :: : : :: :: : : night : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : Genre? : :: :: : : :: :: : : Drumline, : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : electrobass, : :: :: : : :: : b-moreorless and :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : pop. : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : Signature : :: :: : : :: :: : : record? : :: :: : : :: :: : : Archangel : :: :: : by : :: :: : : Burial (Boy: :: :: : : :: :: : : 8-Bit : :: :: Remix) : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : In the big : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : metaphorical : :: :: : : :: :: : : Sheffield : :: :: : : :: :: : : electro zoo, : :: :: : : :: :: : : which animal : :: :: : : :: :: : : are :: you? : :: : : :: :: : : Galapagos : :: :: : : :: :: : : Tortoise : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : Footwear? : :: :: : : :: :: : : Bowling Shoes : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : First record and : :: :: : : :: :: : : last record bought? : :: :: : : :: :: : : The :: Best : :: : Reggae : :: :: : : Album World : :: :: in : the : :: :: : : Ever::Part : :: : 2: :: :: : : : :: : E.P. : :: by :: : : Rave::Lord : :: :: : : :: :: : : Squire of Gothos : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : Audience? : :: :: : : :: :: : : OAPâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s! : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : Vibe? : :: :: : : :: :: : : Always nice. : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : myspace.com/nouniform : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : : : :: :: : : :: :: : :

No Uniform

:: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ::BEAUTIFUL :: : : :: :: : BALLOON :: :: : : :: :: : ::By :: : : :: :: : day, by night? ::Court :: :Jester, : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ::Answer :: : Prancer, : :: :: : Homeward Bound :: :: : : :: II :: : ::enthusiast. :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ::Genre? :: : : :: :: : ::Fidgetal :: : : :: Era :: : Love ::Industro-gabba :: : : :: :: : ::core, :: :Bombay : :: mix :: n : ::blips, :: : knapsack : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ::rock. :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ::Signature :: : :record? :: :: : ::Our :: DJ: skills : :: are :: : 7 : ::weak :: -: we :enjoy :: :: ::minute :: : journeys : :: :: : ::into :: spinback, : : :: :: much: ::to :: : :: :: : the: audience's ::chagrin. :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : the: big: :: :: : :: In :: :: metaphorical :: : : :: :: : :: Sheffield :: : :electro :: :: : :: zoo, :: which : : animal :: :: : :: are :: you? : : :: :: : :: LFO-ant, :: : : Sawtooth :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : tiger, L-R :: ::Panda. : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: ::Footwear? : : :: :: : :: ::No :funny : :: :: : :: ::comment : : :: :: : :: ::available. : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: First : :record :: :: : :: :: and : last : :: record :: : :: :: : : :: :: : bought? :: :: : : :: :: : Now: That's :: :: : :: What :: : Music. :: I :: Call : : :: :: : Tellier :: Sebastian :: : : :: :: : :: - :: : : :: :: : Sexuality. :: :: : : :: :: : :: Audience? :: : : :: :: : :: Wearing :: : full : :: :: : :: harnesses, :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : abseiling a : :: :: : :down :: :: :: large :: :k-hole, : :: with :: : Travis :: Dave :: Lee : : :: :: : :: instructing. :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: Vibe? :: : : :: :: : :: Vibe. :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: myspace.com/beautif :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : ulballoonmusic :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: :

Beautiful Balloon

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: :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: :: :: : :: :: By: day, by :night? : :: :: : : :: :: Other. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Genre? : :: :: : : :: :: R'n'Boy prog-pop. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Signature : :: :: record? : : :: :: Justified : :: :: -: J. : :: :: Timberlake. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: In the big : :: :: : metaphorical : :: :: : :: :: electro : : :: :: Sheffield : ::which :: : : :: :: zoo, animal : :: :: : : :: :: are you?:: : : :: : :: :: Three monkeys. : :: wise :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Footwear? : :: :: : : :: :: :: :: : Of: course, it's: :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: raining. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: record :: : and : :: :: First : :: :: : : :: :: last record bought? : :: :: : : :: :: Various - On : :: :: : a :ragga :: :: bip (1995). : :: :: : : :: :: Extreme - : : :: :: : :: :: Pornograffiti. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Audience? : :: :: : : :: :: Yes. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Vibe? : :: :: : : :: :: Good : ::time :: all : the : :: :: time. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: darlingsofthesplitsc : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: reen.co.uk : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: ROBOT :HIEM :: :: IS : : :: :: : :: POP :: : MUSIC. : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: BLEEPS AND : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: MINIMAL BEATS : :: :: : : :: :: :WRAPPED :: :: : : :: IN :: UP : :: :: : : :: :: RED CAPES AND : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: :ARMY :: :: CAPS. : : :: BE :: : :: :: : : THEY :: :: CAUTIOUS, : :: :: : : :: :: LARGE AND :ARE :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: POWERFUL. : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: ::

Darlings of the Splitscreen

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: :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: by: night? : :: :: By day, : :: :: Techno : : :: :: Daytime: : :: :: : Producers : :: :: pop/Electro : :: :: : : :: :: Nighttime: : :: :: : : :: :: International : :: :: : :Dj's :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Genre? : :: :: : : :: :: Hiem : :: Music :: : For : Hiem :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: People : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: :record? : :: :: Signature : :: the :: :One :or :: :: She's : :: :: : : :: :: Chelsea : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: In the:: big: : :: : :: :: metaphorical Sheffield : :: :: : : :: :: electro which : :: :: zoo, : : :: :: : :: :: : :: :: animal are: you? : :: : : :: WE ARE:: A HYBRID NEW::TO : :: EARTH :: : ONE : PART :: :: THIS : :: ONE :: :PART : LION :: :: PANDA : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Footwear? : :: :: : : :: :: Dunlop green flash : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: record :: : : :: last :: First and : :: :: : : :: :: record bought? : :: :: : : the :: :: First: "Rupert : :: :: : : :: :: bear." Last: "Rupert : :: :: : : :: :: the : :: Bear :: Remixed" : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Audience : :: :: : : :: :: Grubby Ravers : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: Vibe? : :: :: :on Crack : :: :: Kraftwerk : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: myspace.com/hiem1 : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: :: : :: :: : : :: ::

Hiem

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: :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : By day, by night? : :: :: : : :: :: : Tom:Jobless, : :: :: : : :: :: : Wilko:Everything. : :: :: : : :: :: : By::night : :: : djing, : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : promoting, : :: :: : flyering, : :: :: : producing, : :: sleeping :: : :ever. :: :: : not : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : Genre? : :: :: : : :: :: : Warm : :: tech :: :with : :: :: : sub-minimal-infused : :: :: : : :: :: : undertones : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: :record? : :: :: : Signature : :: :: : :- :: :: : Human League Don’t : :: Want :: Me? : : :: :: : You : :: :: : : :: :: : (Extended Dub) : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : In::the::big: : : :: :: : metaphorical : :: :: : : :: :: : Sheffield : :: :: :electro : :: :: : : :: which :: : animal : :: :: : zoo, : :: you? :: : : :: :: : are : :: :: : : :: :: : Voles : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : Footwear? : :: :: : : :: :: : Kicks O’Clock : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : First record : :: :: : :and :: :: : last : :: record :: : bought? : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : Oasis or Chemical : :: :: : : ::and:: : Brothers/Manics : :: dull :: :techno : :: :: : Some : :: :: : : :: :: : madness/Noze-You : :: :: : :: :: : Have to Dance: EP : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : Audience? : :: :: : : :: :: : Audience? : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : Vibe? : :: :: : : :: :: : Aye : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : myspace.com/upandato : :: :: : : :: :: : mdjs : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : ::ALWAYS :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : INTRICATE, : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: MOSTLY :: : :PERFECT. :: :: : : :: IT’S :: :LIKE : ::A :: : CLUB : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: ::WITH : :3::FLOORS :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : MIX, : :: ALL :: :IN :ONE :: :: : : :: :: AND : :THAT’S :: :: :A : :: :: : : :: :: : ROLL : :: GOOD :: :THING. : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : FUNCTION! : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: : : :: :: :

Up & Atom

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Coin Operated Boy’s Guide to

Remixing Daft Punk About six months ago, I idly fired up my MacBook and started getting to work on a ropey old acapella of Daft Punk’s Harder Better Faster Stronger. The end result was picked up by the mighty blogosphere and enjoyed a few pleasant months in the sun. It appeared in the odd mixtape, good a few kind words as was even regarded by one over-zealous blogger as “the best Daft Punk remix to date”. I can’t vouch for whether this is true, in fact I’m fairly confident it isn’t, but what I can do is offer five small steps towards doing a passable remix of Daft Punk: 1. Choose the right song. I’ve done Harder Better Faster Stronger now, and I can’t risk you doing it better than me. So do Technologic instead. 2. Choose the right software. Logic and Ableton are my favourites. I believe that Logic is the more powerful of the two, but Ableton is the most intuitive, especially for a beginner. Microsoft Songsmith is also an equally respectable option, with a great workflow. 3. Get an idea in your head of what you’re doing. People approach this part in different ways. Some people like to just play with synths and drum patterns until their imagination sparks and they’re inspired to get their ideas down. Others get a reasonably solid idea of what they’re going to be doing first before they start, and then work from that. Either way works, just find which one works for you. Some people sit in a dark room with half pingpong balls covering their eyes while listening to constant white noise in order to induce

aural hallucinations. This is a perfectly valid way of finding your sound. Sorry, did I say perfectly valid? I meant fucking ridiculous. 4. Building sounds. This all depends on what you have at your disposal. For the Daft Punk remix, I used a distorted low-end synth next to a vocoder to get the main sound, which is fairly straightforward. Justice use distorted brass sounds, Teenage Bad Girl use distorted flutes and Bloody Beetroots use distorted everything. So just pick a sound and massively distort it. You could try pan pipes, the xylophone or go retro by using a distorted hurdy-gurdy. Ultimately, subtlety should be an after-thought. 5. Composing and Mixing Probably the hardest part really. It’s quite hard to explain this without going into detail about compression thresholds, EQ curves and brick wall limiters, which are just the sorts of things that only a very strange type of person can really get excited about; the sort of person who is pale from lack of sunlight and malnourishment. Suffice to say, there are many books on the practice of mixing which would serve you much better than I ever could. This is pretty much the long and short of it. Send your finished remix off to the blogs, sit back, and wait for the lukewarm appreciation to roll in. And remember, if we learned anything from the film Snakes on a Plane, it’s that popularity on the web translates in no way to popularity in real life. So start an indie band instead.

forgery: ConCeptuaL CurrenCy In the midst of financial crisis, artist Phil Thompson has cast five one-penny pieces out of solid nine carat gold. These have then been sprayed so as to resemble real copper coins. Each ‘fake’ is in fact worth around £40, and these have entered circulation in what he describes as an “invisible intervention.” The work looks to question the symbolic value of an object, and how this changes into a “token for a symbolic act.” This act of replication, technically an illegal act of counterfeiting, highlights the materiality of the object: the viewer wonders if they might have one, and if they did, would they melt it down for its ‘real’ worth?

The duration of conceptual artworks like this is often difficult to establish, with the work relying on an overall idea rather than one single visual experience. Whilst being circulated, the gold copies were mixed into piles of real coins, and then distributed amongst friends so that noone would know where the ‘fakes’ were. Not knowing the fate of the replicas is key, keeping the work in existence as a curious encounter every time you meet (what might be) one of the objects. “It’s the curiosity that makes the work” says Thompson. Look out for it. It might be in your pocket right now. a

MY REAL LIFE As an unemployed English Literature graduate my life is full of trivial daily exercises: Namely reading newspapers and drinking tea. I chose my course hoping it might lead to a career in writing. This has really yet to materialise, but not for lack of trying. To jump-start my fledgling career, I decided to write into as many magazines as possible. Whilst most demanded a certain amount of work, research and wit, I thought I’d found an easy option. I would write into those crappy magazines aimed at Tea-ladies on their fag breaks, the ones filled with real life stories like That’s Life, Full House and Chat. These magazines promise so much for just 68p (coincidentally the same cost as one copy of Article), in the world of real life stories. The formula for these readers’ letters is pretty simple. Woman - which is one of: mother/wife/aunt/ pet-owner/daughter/chronic illness victim - tells story about: stupid child/stupid husband/mother/pet/illness. And you realise, hey! I do something similar to that! Ha Ha! It’s so fantastically straightforward that you wonder if the world wouldn’t be a better place if this level

of communication was adopted in other places. Then you realise how horrible that would be. The need emerged for me to have a ‘real life.’ Who would I need to become in order to enter the ranks of Full House magazine? I resisted the temptation of outlandish claims, such as the time I performed a hedgehog face transplant, instead thinking about home life, and the ‘funny things’ families do. I became a mother, an aunt, a wife In the end, the only magazine that would publish anything I wrote was Article, from which I can infer that the letters published in Chat are probably totally made up. To console me, they put in some of the letters that never got published.

“The need emerged for me to have a ‘real life.’ Who would I need to become in order to enter the ranks of Full House magazine?” The design of these magazines tries to communicate a stilted informality, where text is set at rigourously jaunty angles, and exclamation marks are required by law at the end of any statement. See, it makes things instantly cute! And funny! Drop shadows also seem to form another part of the universal language of trite stories. Where tales of infanticide and gruesome DIY injuries on the latter pages of the same magazine rely on graphically illustrative quotes (“kill yourself, he insisted, placing a knife in my hands”), readers’ letters are presented as if they

were whimsically pinned up for us to share with the whole office. Indeed, these magazines are so invariably filled with gore stories, murders and stalkers that the readers’ letters are a bit of light relief in an otherwise cruel world. Whilst putting this spread together was fun, it was also brutally painful in its tediousness. The thought of doing this as a living has made us feel the pain of hundreds of graphic designers around the world. To our fallen comrades, we salute you. a

34 article 5

Livinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; the Hiplife the sound of ghana

35 After months of sitting in our Munich office, organising, making connections, getting a feel for who’s who in the Ghanaian hiplife scene, I’m finally here, in Accra, standing in front of Kotoka International Airport breathing in the tropical air on this cool evening. Panji Anoff, one of the main producers and initiators of hiplife is here to pick me up, at last we meet in person. Everything is cool so far. As we are walking to the parking lot two guys suddenly appear out of the dark, one of them carrying a massive club with long nails sticking out. It soon becomes clear that the guy, pretending to be a security guard, is threatening to give our car the special treatment (his way to generate a little income on the side). After a few minutes of negotiating the guy backs down; seemingly impressed by the story Panji told him about his uncle working at the airport security. Panji looks back at me, smiles and says: “It’s all about bluffing and double bluffing”, no reason to worry. I soon find out Ghana is actually a pretty laid back place. The driver of the car who hasn’t spoken much during our journey turns out to be Kwaku-T, responsible for one of the funniest hiplife tunes of all time: Toto Mechanic. The word ‘toto’ translates into pussy and “toto mechanic” has become a common expression for bragging about one’s sexual skills, the phrase has even spread to Lagos, the capital of Nigeria.

Georg Milz of out l here records went down to Ghana in summer 2006 to put together a compilation on Hiplife; Ghana’s most popular music, a mix of hiphop, reggae and dancehall fused with a highlife feel. It is surprising to see how little exposure hiplife has received outside Africa. Here we have a music that the whole country dances to; but not a single record can be found in record stores in Europe. Georg Milz went to Ghana to fill the gap.

On the way to the hotel we pass a billboard showing Reggie Rockstone, an old friend of Panji’s and the founding father of hiplife, smiling down at us holding a Guinness in his hand. Panji had already worked with him in the early 90s in the UK. In those days they were trying to create an internationally successful hip hop sound with a heavy Ghanaian flavour. Reggie had had success in the UK but more on the hip hop side. The whole hiplife thing really blew up when they brought this new music back to Ghana: “Suddenly, hiplife was everywhere!” Panji explains, “every wedding, funeral, party, nightclub and radio was playing it and people were dancing”. In 1992 Ghana had just got a new democratic constitution, the economy was picking up and many Ghanaians were returning from the diaspora enthusiastic about building a new nation. Hiplife was to become the soundtrack. Panji drops me off at the Byblos Hotel in located in Osu, at a cross-road to Cantonments Road, better known here as Oxford Street.

36 article 5 The expensive cars parked in front of the fancy fashion stores tell you why. Oxford Street is Accra’s main shopping street and also a good starting point to meet people and to go out clubbing. Some of the most exciting spots are just around the corner, from chop-bars to nightclubs. Get yourself a Star beer and you are ready to dive into Accra’s bubbling nightlife. The next day Tic Tac, one of Ghana’s most popular artists, stops by at my Hotel. His latest music video to his song ‘Kangaroo’ is currently the most featured video on MTV Base Africa, a channel that can be seen throughout sub-Saharan Africa. It also became the anthem of the Africa Cup of Nations which was held in Ghana earlier that year. The song got the whole Black Star team dancing his Kangaroo dance: “No matter how high I go, I’ll never fall, cause I’m the son of a kangaroo...” the Black Stars almost won the cup, only failing in the semi final against Cameroon. Tic Tac drops me off in Dansoma at the house of the producer and rapper, Nana King. He used to live in the US and had once

income, one of which being a four acre marijuana farm in the Wenchi District. The police closed it down in May 2007, despite his monthly bribe of 25 Million Cedis. Expectations are high throughout the Ghanaian music scene especially since MTV Base was launched a couple of years ago. So far no Ghanaian hiplife artist has released an album internationally. It is fun to witness the deep impression the American hip hop business leaves on many artists here and it soon becomes clear that putting together this compilation is going to be a challenge. It is hard to find songs with tight production, using good samples, live guitars, and no cheap midi sounds (some of which remind me of old mobile phone ringtones). The problem is

“Ghana has to rely on its own styles and flavours. The talent is there. Ghanaian hiplife artists are fighters.” been part of Tupac’s Thug Life band before he came to Ghana in the early 90s. Now he’s living off his earlier fame and producing many of Ghana’s current big artists. He keeps telling me about his next album which he says will be his international breakthrough “When Akon can do it, I can do it!”. His videos show him with a lot of ‘bling bling’ on a fancy white motorboat surrounded by loads of girls. In the backyard of the house I meet Batman Samini, the Ghanaian Ragga Icon nominated for Best African Act at the MTV European Music Awards 2007. His mix of Twi and Patois English is featured on so many tracks that he has stopped counting. He’s a guy who can easily impress any crowd from Accra to Kingston and has performed with the likes of Damian Marley, Jay–Z, Akon, Sean Paul and many others who have visited Ghana. His former manager, Alex Frimpong is also there. He has backed Samini’s career with his private business

that piracy is high and revenue from CD sales low, so only a few artists can afford expensive studio sessions. One of the people who really puts a lot of work and energy into his production, using instruments and taking his time over his recordings, is Panji. Panji knows that imitation will not go far internationally and that Ghana has to rely on its own styles and flavours. The talent is there. Ghanaian hiplife artists are fighters. Performing live, they can cope with the craziest settings; bad lighting, an unreliable soundsystem and still you’ll see them rock the crowd. Back at the hotel, Panji wants me to meet the star of his new project: King Ayisoba. We drive to the outskirts of Accra. We meet him in a dusty backyard, sitting on a discarded office chair dressed not in Nike sneakers but in his traditional dress, which he apparently hasn’t washed for 18 years. No doubt! He greets us by shouting

his catchphrase ‘Fuba!’ strumming on his two stringed Kologo, an ancestor of the guitar. His dreadlocks are sticking out in all directions and swinging to the beat. Ghanaians love him for his hilarious broken English. The guy is unique. And Panji is quite confident, that Ayisoba has a bright future. In his studio he edits the final touches of a duet between Ayisoba and Batman Samini. The chorus of the song says: “Champion no easy, before make training hard!”. Watch out for this guy! a

Top: CD Market in Akara, Ghana. Bottom: Black Stars is out now on Out Here Records. www.outhere.de

38 article 5

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not actual size. because we needed a graphic

Article 5 Motel Sheffield, Nevada

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