Mike’sMusings

Mike is back with a tall tale and a punchline that will have you wincing! Enjoy!

Mike is always glad to hear from you at : mike.musings@outlook.com

They’re not what they used to be!

The delightfully attractive lady who looks after me enjoys watching typically British detective/murder mystery type dramas like Midsomer Murders, Vera, Morse, Endeavour etc. So much so, that whilst I’m often doing something else while she watches, I’m familiar with the dialogue and plot lines of many, as she never tires of watching them again and again.

NB – to illustrate the point, whilst I’m typing this, in the far corner of our living room, I know that right now Inspector Morse is listening to some opera music (and probably supping a whisky), as he pontificates on the latest Oxford murder.

I’m digressing a little here to give you a bit of background, because it’s modern-day TV adverts that have got me ‘going’ recently.

Some of you may be too young to remember – but I reckon most of you aren’t – the likes of these from days gone by: -

• Cinzano Bianco with Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins.

• The fisherman fighting a bear over a salmon to get the ‘the best for John West’.

• The guy trying, but failing, to take a passport photo in a booth who ends up consoling himself with a Hamlet cigar.

• The posh lady who needs a drink of Heineken to enable her to adopt a cockney accent and say, “The water in Majorca, don’t taste like it ought to”.

• The guy getting up in the middle of the night to slake his thirst with R White’s Lemonade.

• The German sentry who acts like a goalkeeper to save a dam from bouncing bombs and is then praised by the British pilot saying, “I bet he drinks Carling Black Label”.

The one thing they all had in common, of course, was a bit of humour.

Now, and I accept that advertisers are well aware of their target audience, all I hear on ITV3 whilst repeats of Poirot, Lewis, Maigret etc., are being watched for the umpteenth time, are people enthusiastically encouraging me to: - a) Pay in advance for my cremation. b) Take out life insurance with a ‘Guaranteed Over 50 Plan’. c) Buy products like stairlifts or mobility scooters. d) Redesign my bathroom for ‘assisted bathing’. NB – they always have attractive female models who are a long way short of receiving their free bus pass, to illustrate just how convenient these products are. e) Release the equity from my home. f) Give generously to various charities.

Now I’m as charitable as the best of them, but when I’m being repeatedly asked to donate money to save bears, wild horses, monkeys, tigers, pangolins, donkeys etc., never mind cats and dogs, and no matter the offer of a free pen, fridge magnet, £100 M&S voucher or even a ‘cuddly toy’, I do tend to switch off.

Is it me, or do the companies using ITV3 to promote their product/service think that typical viewers are warm hearted and generous (or gullible) and/or about to ‘kick the bucket’?

Top Tip:

In the flower garden container plants will benefit from liquid feeds on a regular basis – usually weekly. You can cut back growth on hanging baskets if they’re starting to look a bit straggly. This will revive the plants and encourage new growth, but do always give a feed after the chop to help them get over the shock. It maybe put a short temporary stop on the plants but will keep them going much longer over the summer.

In the veggie area ensure your beans have plenty of water so the seed pods will set. Beans and tomatoes can both be stopped at this stage, so the growth can go into the existing fruit and give you a better chance of getting a good crop. Less is sometimes more. With beans take off any growth beyond the top of the growing cane. With cordon tomatoes cut to the leaf beyond the fourth truss. If you’ve got bush tomatoes they can be left to grow. Going away on holiday can be stressful for houseplants. It’s an idea to move them into a cool room and away from windows. If you’re away for more than a few days try wicking. You can buy capillary wicking matting from garden centres. Fill a water container, - anything will do. Put one end of the wick into the container and the other into the plant pot soil and the plant will draw down water as it needs it. Obviously this will work with several pots if you place them round the container. Alternatively find a nice neighbour!

Top tip: Cut back hardy geraniums and delphiniums now for another late flowering.