Lifestyles over 50 Winter 2017

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Smile!

Thanksgiving Jokes

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father’s lap and said, ‘Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?’ ‘That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard’, replied his daddy as he ducked. A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?� “No, ma’am. They’re dead.� At Thanksgiving with her folks, single Sally prayed the following, “Oh Dear Lord, I’m thankful for all the blessing in my life. And, I’m not asking for this for myself. But please send my mother a son-in-law.� A gentleman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey TalkLine to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey. (It will not help the taste, I bet) “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.�—Jim Davis. “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.�—Jay Leno

Christmas Jokes

• • • • • • •

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper! Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because of the presents beneath them. What do you call a broke Santa? Give up yet? It’s Saint-NICKEL-LESS What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis! What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. 8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. 7. Use as railroad ties. 6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. 4. Use instead of cement shoes. 3. Save for next summer’s garage sale. 2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 1. Two words -- “pin cushion�

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language. What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

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Lifestyles over 50 Winter 2017

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Lifestyles over 50 Winter 2017 by Art Villafane - Issuu