How to Find a True Friend

An unusual friend in an unusual place

In 1921, one of the world’s worst prisons was called Sing Sing. Even murderers and robbers dreaded to enter that crowded, dark place with its thick walls and high barbed-wire fences. Fights and riots were common. Deaths were frequent.

Twenty years later the prison was a safe place with some of the prisoners reforming and returning to society. Many gave the credit to the prison warden for his wise reforms. He always disagreed. “All the changes came because of my wife. She is buried just beyond the prison walls.”

She was the mother of three children. Everyone warned her to never go into the prison. It was too dangerous. She ignored the advice, walking with her children among the prisoners. Together they showed kindness. They would give a piece of fruit to one man, a bar of soap, or a pretty picture to another.

She asked her husband about the men’s criminal records. Finding out that one murderer was blind, she asked him “Can you read Braille?” He didn’t know what it was, so she taught him how to use his fingers to read the letters made with little bumps.

Later, she met a deaf prisoner. She learned sign language and was able to communicate with him and encourage him. The

men could feel her true concern. She inspired them with hope for a better future.

One day the prison warden did not come to Sing Sing prison. The prisoners knew something was wrong. They found out that his wife, their dear friend, had died. The next morning they all crowded to the gate begging to go to the prison warden’s home to pay respect and honor to her. Surprisingly, the guards allowed the prisoners to go and simply told them to check back in that night. Amazing as it seems, after visiting the warden’s home, every single one of them returned to the prison and checked in. Their gratitude to her for her compassionate friendship strengthened them to be honest citizens again.

It’s Hard to Find a True Friend

Do you have a true friend like that lady? Someone who will sacrifice her time, strength, and money to help you? Do you have a comrade you can depend on when you’re in trouble? Any one who is loyal and dependable, ready to forgive even when you make mistakes? If you do, you have a very great treasure.

An ancient scripture says, “Two are better than one…for if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10). Friendships bring joy. Kind relationships build neighborhoods into caring communities. Researchers have even discovered that people who have many positive friendships are healthier and live longer than those who don’t.

How to Find a True Friend

On the other hand, we know that one bad friend can spoil a whole group. The Thai saying, “One fish can spoil the whole catch” demonstrates how important it is that we choose good friends.

The problem is, it’s hard to find a good friend. We often say, “It’s easy to find a friend to eat with us, but hard to find a friend who’d die for us.” Few people have such faithful friends. They often wonder if their friends are nice to them only for what they can gain from the relationship. They question, “Who would really care if I were in serious trouble?”

Even in our families, relationships often break down. It would be difficult to count all the many broken hearts and broken homes in this world that have been destroyed by one unfaithful family member. How can we find true friends who are more precious than gold?

Where Can We Find True Friends?

The secret is found in a teaching written down many years ago. Two thousand years ago, in the Middle Eastern country of Israel, a teacher traveled from town to town, owning nothing, but giving much. He was known for His compassion to the poor and the sick. People stood for hours listening to His teaching. His name was Jesus.

One of His words of wisdom was this, “Unless a grain falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain” (John 12:24).

What did He mean? It’s the law of the seed. If a kernel of grain

stays alone in the sack, it remains just one grain, but when it falls into the earth, a new life starts, and the result is a whole plant full of grain.

Jesus explained His meaning like this, “He who holds on to his life will lose it. He who gives it away will keep it” (Mark 8:35).

The secret of friendship is this: “To find a good friend, you must be a good friend.” A lady can’t stay to herself and expect to make friends. A man can’t go looking for a friend just to satisfy his own needs and expect that friend to be faithful and loyal to him. Instead we must be considerate, helpful, faithful, and loyal if we want to experience the same. The kindness we show will come back to us. Let’s explore some qualities of a true friend and discover some ways to be that kind of person.

Friendship Quality #1—Self-Sacrifice

In Thailand sometimes people tell a story that happened many years ago in Chiang Mai. The king was away from the city fighting a war. The queen was left behind to oversee the kingdom while he was gone. One of their enemies found out and immediately set off with his troops to surround and capture the city. The queen knew she was in great danger and unable to protect herself. Instead of panicking, she went and spoke to the enemy directly, talking to the general in charge of the troops. She challenged the opposing troops to a contest. If the enemy won, she would turn over her city without any resistance. If her side won, the enemy must return home without a fight.

They discussed the contest and rules were set. Each side would select his best swimmer. The two would dive into the water and whoever could stay down the longest would be the winner. She promised to surrender the city if she lost. In turn, the general

promised to return home if he lost.

Breathlessly, the people watched as the general chose his strongest and finest swimmer. He prepared himself by the bank. The people of Chiang Mai watched anxiously as the queen searched for the one to help her. All able-bodied men were away with the king. Finally an elderly man came forward offering himself. He quietly spoke words of encouragement to the queen and stood at the edge of the bank. The enemy soldiers scoffed, confident of their victory.

One, two, three! The two swimmers jumped into the water. Everybody watched carefully. One minute passed and then another. Finally the strong enemy swimmer burst to the surface, gasping for breath. How surprised he was to not see the other swimmer. In amazement they all waited for the elderly man. Five minutes passed, then ten minutes.

Finally, as the enemy acknowledged defeat, they sent swimmers down to search for the elderly man. They found him deep in the water. He had tied his ankle to the root of a tree. Willingly he gave up his life to save his family, his friends, and his queen.

In this story we see an extremely important quality of a true friend. A friend will sacrifice his own comfort, safety, and happiness for his friends. He does not focus on what he can gain from the friendship, but chooses to give instead. Like a seed thrown away into the dirt, it seems wasted, but time shows the benefits.

Examples of Self-Sacrifice

Perhaps your mother sacrificed like this. Since you were a baby she cared for you, providing food and clothing, even if she didn’t have enough for herself. She taught you all she knew, and worked hard to send you to school. Even now she would give anything, even her life, to help you.

The world would be such a wonderful place if people were more willing to sacrifice like this for each other. Unfortunately, we usually see the opposite quality—selfishness. People make friends for what they can get from the other person. If their friends can’t help them any more, they go elsewhere.

The truth of Jesus’ teaching about grain seems to be hidden from people’s eyes. People are afraid that if they help others they won’t have enough for themselves. Actions like the elderly man tying himself to the tree root seem crazy. Even parents question if it’s worth sacrificing for their children. Is it really true that those who give will receive more?

An ancient proverb clearly states, “There is one who scatters, yet increases more; and there is one who withholds more than is right, but it leads to poverty.

The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself” Proverbs 11:24-25.

Haven’t we seen that this is true? It’s true in the marketplace. One businessman is always trying to get the highest price. He cheats a little and lies here and there to gain an advantage. After awhile nobody trusts him and few want to do business with him.

Another seller does the opposite. She is honest and generous. When she gets a good deal on a product, she sells it for a cheaper price to help her customers. Such a generous lady is

likely to become wealthier, at least in true friends.

The law of the seed is true in leadership. Thailand has been richly blessed because of a king who has generously given of his wealth, time, and wisdom. Peace and self-sustainable development have prospered under his care. What if the top leader in every country of the world, sacrificed his own time, wealth and pleasures to help the leaders under him? What if he taught each of them to use their positions and money to help the citizens? Those countries would be greatly blessed and their leaders deeply appreciated.

The law of the seed is true for young people too. Students who are friendly have lots of friends. Those who help others with their studies, increase their own scholastic ability. Those who just use others to promote their own popularity and fun, eventually gain a bad reputation and often suffer loneliness and disgrace. Don’t these examples make you confident that being a selfsacrificing friend is a great thing to do? Just how can you become more like that?

Two Steps Forward

First, you can think often about the benefits of being generous with others. You can memorize the proverbs above and reflect on them frequently. Because our habits have often been selfish, it takes many reminders to convince us that there is a happier way.

Second, you can act on this truth daily. Here’s how to take some small steps to grow in this great quality of self-sacrifice. Consider carefully every relationship in your life.

Choose something nice you can do for each person. You might even make a list so you won’t forget what you want to do. There are many things you can give.

A nice gift of flowers or fruit can cheer up a member of the family or a hard-working employee. You can give a listening ear to someone who is sad. You might help a widow with some of her housework. The best thing a parent can give his children is some time with them.

Remember that self-sacrifice is doing something that goes against what you feel like doing. For instance, it’s when you help your children with their schooling when you would rather watch TV. It’s when you give up your plans for the weekend to help your spouse with something around the house that needs to be done. It’s when you stop and help someone with a problem when you are in a hurry to go somewhere.

As you test this truth by sacrificing to help others, you will be surprised at the solid friendships that come. Yes, it’s true, “To find a good friend, you must be a good friend.” Plant the seed of sacrifice and you will gain new friends. The law of the seed works.

Friendship Quality #2—Faithfulness

Have you noticed the difference between an eagle and a vulture? An eagle chooses her mate very carefully. When mating time comes, the male follows the female. She takes a stick high into the sky and drops it. The male dives and catches it. Then she takes a larger stick and does it again.

She does this over and over until she is confident that he is a strong and healthy mate. Then the eagles remain together all of their lives.

The vulture on the other hand doesn’t care what he eats or with whom he mates. He eats dead animals and has several mates. When we think of beautiful birds we do not think of the vulture. Instead we respect and admire the eagle.

These birds illustrate an essential quality of true friendship. An ancient proverb says, “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). True friends remain friends even when there are difficult times.

All around Thailand, people recall the amazing story of Queen Suriyothai. During a terribly difficult battle with the Burmese, the Thai King Rachathirad was fighting valiantly from atop an elephant. Burmese soldiers pressed in to kill him. Queen Suriyothai had disguised herself as a soldier. She saw that her husband was about to be slain and rushed to his aid. In her amazing loyalty she took the blow that was intended for the king and saved his life by giving her own. For that she will always be remembered and many visit the monument to her in the ancient capital city of Ayutthaya.

Queen Suriyothai didn’t run away when her husband had a problem. She was faithful in the midst of a major problem. She courageously helped, even to the point of death. Wouldn’t you like to have a friend like that? Then we must use the law of the

seed, and be such a friend.

To become such a faithful friend, we should make small steps by choosing to be helpful to our friends when they encounter hardships and challenges. We can be loyal even when they sometimes act unkind or thoughtless.

In one Southeast Asian country a young couple had just married. An extremely spiteful young woman, jealous that the groom had not chosen her, took acid and threw it on the bride’s face. Family members rushed the bride to the hospital, but the damage was done. Her beautiful face was deeply scarred, and worse, she was totally blind.

Many wondered what would happen to the couple. Would the groom turn elsewhere for beauty and romance? Instead the opposite happened. He devoted himself to caring for his wife, strengthening her to cope with the tragedy. Their life together was not easy, but they had the peace and joy that comes through faithful friendship.

Wouldn’t the world be wonderful if all husbands and wives were faithful to each other? We would not have the problems of AIDS and other sexual diseases. We would not have children crying because their parents divorced.

Perhaps you long to have a truly faithful friend or to have every family member be more loyal. Again we each must ask ourselves, “How can I be a more helpful and dependable friend?”

Two More Steps Forward

The answer is similar to the two things we discovered above under self-sacrifice. First, contemplate the benefits of being a faithful friend. Memorize and meditate on the proverbs. Think about the dangerous results of the opposite qualities such as

loneliness and divorce. We talk about people who “Wai us to our face and stick out their tongues at us behind our backs.” Such people have few friends. We should also think about the heartache of those suffering from divorce. This will help motivate us to choose faithfulness.

Secondly, choose actions of faithfulness, today and every day. Persevere and don’t give up. Consider your friends, family members and the people in your workplace and neighborhoods. Expect that at times they will have problems and be unable to help you. They may even be unkind or unfaithful to you. Determine that you will remain faithful to help them through those tough times. You will find peace through doing what is right.

Clearly it is true, “To find a good friend, you must be a good friend.”

True Friends Receive Honor

Some people worry that others will consider them weak and take advantage of them if they are compassionate and self-sacrificing. Think for a moment of the great elephants. No land animal is as large as these huge creatures. They have the power to trample and destroy, but their greatness and usefulness is specifically because they are teachable, faithful, dependable, and constantly ready to serve.

This is also true of the greatest people in the world. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, King Buhmibol, and others are remembered and honored because of their qualities of self-sacrifice and

faithfulness. Don’t you think we should strive to be like them in order to make our families, our neighborhoods, and our world a better place?

Meditation Moment

Let’s take a moment to think about what we’ve learned. Meditation is a powerful way to improve our lives. Meditate on the meaning of the quotes you have just heard.

“To find a good friend, you must be a good friend.”

Unless a grain falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain” (John 12:24).

“A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity”

(Proverbs 17:17).

Now reflect on the stories.

What happened when the lady encouraged the prisoners at Sing Sing prison?

Why did John risk his life to help others during World War II?

 In what relationships do you need to practice more selfsacrifice and faithfulness?

It’s amazing how one lady’s kindness changed a whole prison. Surely many people appreciated and admired John’s courageous actions in the war. The law of the seed really works.

 The Choice Regarding Friendship is Yours

Now that you have thought deeply about how to be a good friend and how to find good friends, what will you do? Many people hear good ideas and quickly forget them. It is important that you take some action on what you have just heard in order to improve your friendships.

Contemplate: Think back over the stories and proverbs. Think of the mothers, leaders, and workers you have known. The truly great ones lived lives of self-sacrifice and faithfulness. Don’t you want the same?

Take Action: Check the things below that you will put into practice this week.

_____ I will memorize and meditate on the proverbs and stories regarding true friendship.

_____ I will do something kind for my co-workers, my spouse, or my friends.

_____ I will be faithful, and still help even when my spouse is no longer healthy, attractive, or kind.

_____ I will forgive my neighbors when they make mistakes.

_____ I will sacrifice something I want to do in order to help someone.

People say, “A life without a friend is a life without a sun.” We know clearly now that it’s true: “To find a good friend, you must be a good friend.” Bring sunshine to those around you by acting on these good things today. Continue to search for wisdom on how to make this world a better place.