Volume 101 Issue 00

The Collegian Walla Walla University

Volume 101

Issue 00

2 June 2016

summer summer summertime

8 3 news

10 ACA & SM

11 Opinion

Dear Readers,

Editor-in-chief Matthew Moran

For one hundred years, The Collegian has been a platform for student thought and an encouragement for thoughtful discussion. Functioning as the official publication of ASWWU, The Collegian will continue to uphold this rich tradition and provide a safe place for readers to interact, learn, and grow.

In this upcoming 101st volume, you may notice a few changes in regards to content. As you peruse this first 16-page issue, you will notice many of your favorite sections are back with some new writers with innovative ideas! You may also notice some new sections. As a bioengineering major pre-med, I am very excited for a new section that will feature global and local service projects as well as engineering applications around the world. I think this will appeal to many of our readers who are interested in service to the community. I am also excited to bring back By the Numbers and Fashion which, from my perspective as a former Collegian layout designer, are fun to design and look at.

Table of Contents | 2 News | 3 Meet the Staff | 4 By the Numbers | 5

context

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Matthew Moran

layout designers Anna-Marie Vargas Claudia Curtis Geoffrey Lopes

assistant editor Abigail Wissink

news writers Kyler Alvord Lauren Epperson

Head layout Editor Frank Ramirez Head copy editor Sophia Rich life editor Micah Hall Backpage editor Lauren Wahlen

Copy Editors Katherine Beckner Lindsay Luna food editor Mason Neil feature writers Brandon Pierce Michael Jenson Bella Ramirez Bryndi Goodlyn humor writer Micah Hall religion writer Vixie Bailey Drew Sihotang sports writer Marissa Rosales

I am exhilarated to have the opportunity to work with such a diverse, talented team. Each team member is committed to actively seek contributions for their pages so if you want to get involved, please send any comments, questions, or contributions to aswwu. collegian@wallawalla.edu or matthew.moran@ wallawalla.edu.

Finally, thank you for reading The Collegian and I wish you a great summer till next year! Until then, enjoy and carpe diem!

Science & Tech | 5 CW/CW | 10, 11 ACA/SM | 10 Column | 11 Culture | 13 Fashion | 13 Humor | 14 Global Service | 14 Food | 15 Sports | 15 Sunny Side Up | 16

Feature | 8-9 Opinion | 11 Religion | 12 Devotional | 12

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thecoveteur.com

Week in Review | 6-7

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Another thing my team and I are excited about is the expansion of our online presence. While The Collegian is active on the ASWWU website, issuu.com, and social media, we will also be developing an official Collegian app. Be on the lookout for how to download this app it when our next issue comes out in October! All of your favorite articles (as well as a few surprises) will be awaiting you in this mobile version.

perspective

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life

opinion writer Yvanna Hammen-Alvarez Joshua Huh columnist Joni Harris & Emily Huso Devotional writer Christina Moran Fashion Angelica Chan Culture/travel Darling Su ACA/SM Editor Stephanie Septembre Science writer Jordan Brooks Creative writing editor Mac Ford global service writer Daniel Villarreal Office Manager Annemarie Vixie photo editor Cody Wilson

If you are interested in contributing to The Collegian, speak with one of our illustrious staff members. The Collegian is enhanced by regularly incorporating a wide range of campus perspectives.

Cover Credit: pexels.com, ASWWU Photos, Stephanie Septembre, and goodread.com The Collegian is the official publication of ASWWU. Its views and opinions are not necessarily the official stance of Walla Walla University or its administration, faculty, staff, or students. Questions, letters, and comments can be sent to aswwu. collegian@wallawalla.edu or matthew.moran@wallawalla.edu. This issue was completed at 3:54 A.M. on Thursday, 2 June 2016.

The Collegian | Volume 101, Issue 00 | 204 S. College Avenue, College Place, WA 99324 | collegian.wallawalla.edu

A NEW TEAM TAKES OVER

@ASWWU

kyler alvord News Writer On Sunday, May 22, the rain ceased just in time for Spring Jam and ASWWU ended the year’s major events with a bang. It is tradition for the incoming social team to plan Spring Jam as a rite of passage and this team succeeded at attracting a crowd.

The focal point of Spring Jam is the live music—this year’s event featured seven student bands that performed a wide array of songs from a variety of artists ranging from Twenty One Pilots to Adele.

Logan Everett, keytarist for Spencer Sherwin & the Feminine Frontier, has been playing piano all his life and enjoyed the opportunity to play with friends at Spring Jam. “I wish the day was a little warmer,” Everett said, “but I’m glad it was still outside. It added to the whole experience.”

The afternoon’s entertainment wasn’t limited to the musical stage.

Incoming Social Vice President Sarah Hagopian said she aimed for a music festival vibe when organizing the day’s activities, making it more about the experience than the sound. Utilizing the entire Centennial Green, Spring Jam also

included bubble soccer, Spikeball, volleyball, and food trucks. From early afternoon until dusk, flocks of students spread across the lawn with blankets to enjoy the lively afternoon.

David Harris, junior graphic design major, got to Spring Jam at 3 p.m. and stayed until the end. “I started on the lawn with about five or six people,” Harris said, “and by the end of the event there were about 10 to 15 people out on blankets with us.”

The cooperation between ASWWU departments and Campus Sound allowed Spring Jam to reach its full potential. During the event, ASWWU’s Global Service Department set up a yard sale beside Rigby Hall to benefit the yearlong One of These project and the Marketing Department handed out armfuls of Spring Jam t-shirts to the audience. Campus Sound worked with the social team to make the most of Centennial Green after the original plan to set up on Kretschmar Lawn fell through.

ASWWU Social puts on a few major events each school year— Barn Party, Battle of the Bands, Banquet and Spring Jam—and

GRAD WEEKEND Lauren Epperson News Writer

countless hours of planning go into each one. Kathryn Schwartzkopf, current Social Vice President, worked hard throughout the year to meet the goals that her team set when they were hired. After finishing the banquet last month, she passed the torch to Hagopian.

So far Schwartzkopf is impressed with Hagopian’s leadership and was thrilled with Spring Jam’s turnout.

“Didn’t Sarah do great?”

Schwartzkopf said.

“I am so excited to see what she will do next year!”

Though Hagopian was elected into the ASWWU Cabinet as a freshman, she proved herself worthy of the position. “I learned a lot from the event,” Hagopian said, “things that worked really well and other details that could be left out.” Despite the stress of adjusting to their new positions, the incoming Social team pulled together and satisfied the students’ expectations. Plans for next year’s events are already in the works and WWU can look forward to more great things from Hagopian and her team.

Senate Update The list below includes all the bills that will be on the table during our next senate session •

F.L. 19 ‐ Bike Basket

•

F.L. 20 ‐ Bike Basket Maintenance

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F.L. 21 ‐ Pool Table Display

•

F.L. 22 ‐ Handheld Vacuum

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F.L. 23 ‐ Bike Rack

•

F.L. 24 ‐ Remainder of Senate’s Budget

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F.L. 25 ‐ Reallocation of Uncommitted Campus Improvement Funds

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F.L. 26 ‐ 2016‐2017 Budget

•

G.L. 25 ‐ Committee Membership Requirement

•

G.L. 26 ‐ Allison Banks for Parliamentarian

•

G.L. 27 ‐ Mareliza DeJesus for ASWWU Justice

•

P.L. 65 ‐ Caleb Bibb for ASWWU EVP

If you would like more information about these bills, feel free to contact your senator!

On Sunday, June 12 at 8:30 a.m., our seniors will march down the aisle and receive the piece of paper they have worked so hard to get. There are several events to be aware of this graduation weekend. Seniors, there is a rehearsal luncheon on Thursday, June 9 at noon, practice will begin after at 1 p.m. On Sabbath, normal services will take place followed by several pinning and dedication ceremonies, and a strawberry dessert reception at 6 p.m. On Sunday, the festivities begin at 7:30 a.m. with group pictures for the graduates. The actual ceremony begins at 8:30 a.m. Remember if you are staying in the dorm, summer rates begin graduation night. Be sure to pay attention to move out hours and plan accordingly.

If you are in need of guest rooms for the weekend be sure to contact the dorms directly.

For more information and a complete schedule please visit: https://wallawalla.edu/resources/family‐resources/ special‐events/graduation/calendar‐of‐weekend‐even

I am excited to have the opportunity to be bringing yo the news again this year. As a junior communications major, I am looking forward to this new year of The Collegian. If you ever hear of any news or know of anything you would like to be covered in The Collegia please don’t hesitate to email me at lauren.epperson@ wallawalla.edu. Your input and feedback is always appreciated.

MEET THE STAFF

Matthew Moran Editor-in-Chief

Abigail Wissink Assistant Editor

Sophia Rich Head Copy Editor

Frank Ramirez Head Layout Editor

Micah Hall Life Editor & Humor Writer

Kyler Alvord News Writer

Lauren Epperson News Writer

Yvanna Hammen-Alvarez Opinion Writer

Drew Sihotang Religion Writer

Vixie Bailey Religion Writer

Joshua Huh Opinion Writer

Christina Moran Devotional Writer

Joni Harris Columnist

Emily Huso Columnist

Lauren Wahlen Back Page Writer

Angelica Chan Fashion Writer

Mason Neil Food Writer

Darling Su Culture & Travel Writer

Stephanie Septembre ACA & SM Writer

Mac Ford Creative Writing & Contribution Editor

Daniel Villarreal Global Service & Global Humanitarian Engineering Writer

Jordan Brooks Science & Tech Writer

Marissa Rosales Sports Writer

Katherine Beckner Copy Editor

Lindsay Luna Copy Editor

Claudia Curtis Layout Designer

Anna-Marie Vargas Layout Designer

Geoffrey Lopes Layout Designer

Brandon Pierce Feature Writer

Michael Jenson Feature Writer

Bryndi Goodlyn Feature Writer

AnneMarie Vixie Office Manager

Cody Wilson Social Media & Photographer

Bella Ramirez Feature Writer

By the

Science&Tech NUMBERS Scientific Truth

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number of babies in the U.S. suspected of having Zika-related microcephaly

$15,000

price of Lego sculpture destroyed by child at the Lego Expo in China an hour after it was constructed

21,000

number of pennies Texas man used to pay an outstanding parking ticket

3,500

number of lawsuits against and

by Donald Trump (highest of any presidential candidate)

100°F

highest temperature in College Place this weekend

3,020

number of miles Manhattan man rode on a Citi Bike

7

age of child left in Japanese forest as punishment

1 in 4

number of Americans who have had a concussion

By Jordan Brooks

Truth. It seems that in modern, Western society the truth is sought and found by science. The rigorous pursuit of knowledge that is associated with science is justly established, but what is science and why does it have license on the truth? More importantly, what is the truth? When trying to understand something there are arguably five channels through which knowledge can be gained: perception, introspection, memory, reason, and testimony.1 Interestingly, each of these modes requires the presence and utilization of a human mind, which exists in a state of non‐perfection. Therefore, though we may effectively approximate the truth, to assign “absolute truth” status to the knowledge gained in science is nonsensical.

While this definition of science and truth may seem skeptical and impractical, it paints a picture that matches that of a key philosopher of science—Thomas Kuhn. In general, Kuhn argued that the history of science is accurately described through paradigm shifts in which a unifying theory of the natural world is eventually replaced by a new, usually more encompassing, theory.2 A common example of a paradigm shift is the change from Newtonian to Einsteinian physics. While Newtonian physics still holds true in the majority of human‐experienced conditions, Einsteinian physics is “more true” because it describes Newtonian physics as well as previously undescribed phenomena. With Kuhn’s paradigm shifts in mind, who is to say that what we know as “the whole truth” today won’t be replaced by a new theory tomorrow.

In other words, to say we know something is true because science “proves it” paints an inaccurate view of the scientific pursuit of knowledge. I don’t mean to say that scientific findings and arguments have no weight. In fact, I think the methodology practiced by science likely provides the closest approximation of the truth. This is evident through the technologies that scientific discoveries have enabled—space travel, cell phones, the marvels of modern medicine, and the list goes on. However, this is quite different than the hubris of claiming we know the nature of reality for a fact. Actually, it seems that the field of science knows very little about the most basic entities that dictate human existence such as the nature of time and the human mind. While I am no expert in science or philosophy, it seems that a more accurate representation of science would focus on not only its discoveries, but also how those discoveries fit into the current paradigm and with the humility to recognize the shortcomings of the fallible, human endeavor that is science.

I am a senior studying biochemistry and have a passion for the philosophy, pursuit, and application of science. More importantly, I am thoroughly excited to be writing about science next year for The Collegian. For this section, I plan on alternating between the topics of the history and philosophy of science, new discoveries in a different scientific fields, and new applications/technologies of scientific theories.

1 Bryan, A. (2015, January 08). Science and Religion. Lecture presented at Christian Beliefs in WA, College t 2 Kuhn, T. S. (1970). The structure of scientific revolutions.

Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

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Week in Review #THECOLLEGIAN

@ASWWU

Picnic Dinner

Centennial Green, 5 p.m.

THURSDAY

June 2

@yourlastthought18

@edelweisssss

@ASWWU

Tin Man Triathlon WEC, 1 p.m.

Steel Band Concert

FRIDAY

June 3

Ad Building Lawn, 4:30 p.m.

Senior Recital: Joel Willard, guitar

@claudeeshaa

FAC Auditorium, 6 p.m.

String Quartet Recital Alumni Center, 7:30 p.m. @ASWWU

[title of show] Musical

@paulglatts

@lady_jobug

Black Box Theatre, 9 p.m.

SATURDAY

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June 4

Changes to WWU Student health insurance policy As an enrollment prerequisite, students at Walla Walla University are required to purchase health insurance. Effective fall quarter of 2016, Walla Walla University will no longer offer a student health insurance plan. Students should visit wallawalla.edu/insurance to find a health insurance plan that best fits their needs.

QUESTIONS? Hilary Catlet | hilary.catlett@wallawalla.edu David Richardson | david.richardson@wallawalla.edu

@ASWWU

[title of show] Musical Black Box Theatre, 2 p.m.

SUNDAY

June 5

@ASWWU

Walla Walla Food Truck Night Piper Ave., 5 p.m.

MONDAY

Finals Week!

Study hard!

June 6

@ASWWU

Finals Week!

Study hard!

TUESDAY

June 7

@ASWWU

Finals Week!

Study hard!

WEDNESDAY

June 8

SNAPCHAT

Ysabela Ramirez Feature Writer

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Ps FIVE WAYS YOU CAN BEEF UP YOUR RESUMÉ THIS SUMMER “What are you doing this summer?”

Unless you’ve been completely holed up in your room over the last few weeks, chances are you have been asked this question at least once. I know I have, and it was a question I wasn’t too jazzed about answering until I belatedly got a job offer to teach “flowers” at Camp Mivoden (Don’t ask me what “teaching flowers” means, I haven’t figured it out yet). Yes, it is a question we have all been asked and it may (or may not) have set us to thinking about our futures, our career goals, and our frightfully plain resumés that seem to reflect so little of our awesomeness.

I set out to write an article about all the reasons you should get a paid internship this summer. A summary is as follows: 1) There is no better way to get your foot in the door of your dream job—according to USNews 65.4 percent of students from the graduating class of 2014 who had participated in paid internships had job offers before they graduated and 80 percent of employers see internships mainly as a recruiting mechanism.1 2) Many employers are looking to hire people who already have experience working in their field. An internship is a great way to get that experience.

3) I wish someone had advised me of the importance of internships earlier in my in my college career….

However, upon reflections I realized that those of you who already have internships don’t need my advice, and for those of you who don’t (cough, cough… me) it’s going to be hard to get one at this point. So, not wanting to write an article that would have been more useful to you in the issue before spring break, I decided to write about what all you internship-less people can do this summer to set yourself up for an amazing career and maybe even beef up that resumé of yours.

Volunteer Now the first thing that might come to mind when you read the word “volunteer” is probably Vacation Bible School or a soup kitchen. Those are great, but if they don’t strike your fancy, there are plenty of other volunteering opportunities you could get involved in. You might think of volunteering at a hospital or retirement home if you are interested in going into the medical field, social services, or simply want to hone your communication and customer service skills. Art museums and concert halls are great places to volunteer for those interested in a career in the arts or want experience in administration.

With political season in full swing, we can’t forget that political campaigns are in need of armies of volunteers. Volunteering is not only great for your community; it can also help you discover your talents and passions, and can become a great resource for networking and making professional connections.

Take a summer class Talk to an advisor about classes you might be able to take over the summer and have transferred to your transcript here. Taking summer classes online or at your local community college can help you get ahead or catch up on credits. They could provide the opportunity to take that class you really wanted to take, but couldn’t fit into your schedule.

Learn something new (Better yet, get certified in something!)

Most of us can already say we are proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint, but, what about Adobe Photoshop or Dreamweaver? Diversify your knowledge base by reading or listening to lectures online. Learning about things outside your specific field can help you think outside the box about your career and help spawn creative ideas.

Learn a language: now is your opportunity to brush up on your Spanish or French—or even work on learning some Japanese.

Work on a project that interests you So you want to create an app, write a story, start a blog, or build an online business? Do it. There is no better time to start on a project than during the summer. It will provide you with great experience, great resumé material, and could even turn into a career itself.

Actually write a resumé Writing your resumé can help you see what you actually have to put on your resumé. Do a job search for the careers you are interested in to see what employers require and what they are looking for. Think about your academic track record or specific things you have accomplished in clubs or on projects.

Look at the jobs you have held in the past and think about what you have learned from them. Once you have identified the qualifications you have for the career you are looking at, you will be able to see the places where your resumé is lacking and work on filling that gap. WWU’s Career and Development Center is a great resource for improving your resumé.

So, internships are certainly important, and if you don’t have one this year you should definitely be looking for one next year. (The career center and our professors here on campus are great resources for finding internships—just ask!) But, if you don’t have one for this summer, there are plenty of ways you can make your summer work for you. http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2015/05/05/study-suggests-college-graduates-benefit-more-from-pai d-internships

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Brandon pierce Feature Writer

AN UNPRODUCTIVE SUMMER Summer as a college student has a different meaning than it does at virtually any other time in someone’s life. You have the freedom that comes with adulthood, and the time availability of an adolescent.

Proactive students will utilize the summer term by taking extra classes, participating in internships, or working. However, for some students the summer months represent a time of near unparalleled freetime. If studying for MCATs, LSATs, or GREs aren’t your particular flavor of summer fun, or if you’re simply looking for something to do in your spare time, please explore and enjoy these five alternatives to a summer spent studying.

Soccer Tournaments Association Football, popularly known as soccer in the United States, is the most popular global sport and this summer will play host to two of the sport's most prestigious tournaments: the Copa America Centenario and the UEFA EURO 2016. If you’re interested in the sport, sports in general, or you’ve already caught the soccer bug, be sure to look out for both of these tournaments which will feature some of the best national teams in the world as well as the best players. While soccer hasn’t reached the levels of popularity in America that it holds in the rest of the world, the Copa America Centenario represents the best chance of the United States winning their first major soccer trophy at the international level.

The Copa America Centenario is an international soccer tournament including teams from both North and South America.

The summer sees the centennial of this prestigious tournament, and will be hosted across ten different US cities, including Seattle. While the tournament starts during the academic year—the US hosts the opening game against Colombia this Friday, June 3 at 6:30 p.m. PST—it will last until June 26. Four of the 16 highly ranked international teams are the United States, Mexico, Argentina, and Brazil.

If you’re feeling a little more continental this summer, the European Championship, officially known as UEFA EURO 2016, will be hosted by France (winner in 1986 and 2000) and for the first time will include the expansion to 24 teams (previously 16) from across Europe.

EURO 2016 kicks off on June 10 as two-time winners France host Romania in the first group stage match. The Euro Cup final will be held on July 10. Notable teams include Germany (winner in 1972, 1980, 1996), current champion Spain (winner in 1964, 2008, 2012), and host country France.

Summer Olympics If soccer isn’t your sport, maybe you can enjoy one of the plethora of competitive sports in this year’s Summer Olympics to be held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Olympics promise 41 different sports

from archery to water polo, and, despite being mired in controversy, Rio de Janeiro will become the first South American host city for the Olympics. The event will run from the opening ceremony on August 5 to the closing ceremony two weeks later on August 21.

The Great Outdoors The Walla Walla Valley will reach an average July temperature of 89 degrees Fahrenheit this summer. If this sounds distressing, perhaps you might plan a trip to the beach with a group of friends.

While WWU sits some five hours from the nearest ocean, the trip may well be worth your time for one of these Pacific Northwest beaches. Close to WWU’s own Rosario Beach Marine Laboratory, Deception Pass State Park boasts miles of rugged coastline as well as sandy beaches.

Situated across the Puget Sound from the Olympic Mountain range, this spot is a renowned diving location if scuba is your jam. Non-divers will enjoy the various campgrounds, ocean breezes, and world class sunsets. While you visit, be sure to stop by Rosario Beach for Friday night campfires on the beach or for Sabbath afternoon potlucks.

Take a short ferry ride across the Sound and you can visit Olympic National Park, where you can enjoy not only beaches, but also mountain peaks, hidden waterfalls, and rainforests. First Beach and Second Beach, beautiful in their own right, are

also home to diverse marine life and you may run into some friends on a biology field trip! Be sure to earn your Junior Ranger Badge from any ranger station to add to your childhood collection, or start a new collection.

Go Home While many students stay in the valley to work or attend summer term classes, most students will perform a mass exodus to their respective homes. While at home, you might be subjected to an increased chore load, helping your grandparents around the house, and a never-ending stream of church-goers misremembering your name or academic major. However, a summer spent at home shouldn’t be taken for granted. Doing laundry on your own time, not sharing a shower with a floor of your peers, and having a functional dishwasher are all things where home life has the advantage, besides the benefit of being in your own home with your family.

If you live too far away or can’t afford to travel, create your own summer “family” with fellow stay-in-the-valley-students.

Whether you plan on vegetating on the couch all summer, knocking out some general studies requirements, or working full time, be sure to set some time aside to enjoy yourself this summer.

This week’s piece is a poem by junior English major Joni Harris. I heard Joni read this poem in class last year for guest lecturer Elizabeth Austen, the 2014-2016 Washington State Poet Laureate. Austen commented on how refreshing and surprising Joni’s writing was, and I totally agree.

I love the way this poem overwhelms the reader with one vivid sensory detail after another, creating the same kind of chaos that the speaker in the poem must feel. My favorite part is when Joni mixes glory with the gritty details—like the comparison of the smell of sheep to a “halo,” and the description of dirt and pine needles and poop as “all of God’s most celebrated creation.”

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

After This, They Will Take You to Dairy Queen

An Introduction... Again Stephanie Septembre ACA Writer

Joni Harris Creative Writer If you were first in line you got a pair of gloves.

If you were not, no matter.

The gloves don’t protect your ribs from the open end of the chicken-wire stapled across and over the edge of the wool-washing table.

Gloves don’t guard you from the elbows of the bodies around you, won’t protect your nose from the deep smell of sheep and all they entail, which lingers above and below, an almost visible halo.

They won’t protect your ears from the shearers’ constant high–pitched screaming or the sheep’s bleating protest.

And if you ever forget about it, the hooves stamping wooden stalls.

Mac Ford Creative Writing Editor

The Collegian’s last issue is typically an introduction for the new staff, and a ceremonial passing of the baton from one writer to the next. Well, I happened to be hired for the exact same position, so I’m still awkwardly holding that baton. My intentions are the same: I hope to feature articles written by students abroad, hold interviews with returned students, and occasionally write random do’s and don’ts of traveling. I’m excited to say that I’ll be spending my summer in Peru as a student missionary on behalf of Engineers Without Borders, so not only will I have experienced a taste of SM life, but I am counting on plenty of newsworthy stories involving llamas. Speaking of which…

A group of teenagers were arrested in France for abducting a llama from a circus and taking it on a tour of the city’s tram system.1 As you have probably deduced, I am not sure what else to say and am randomly filling up my 500-word space with nonsense from the Internet. If you take away anything from this, don’t try to take llamas on the metro. (In hindsight, this information is probably only relevant for me, unless you happen to own a llama farm and live near a city.)

On a more serious note, two final things I’d like to say: Thank you to all who contributed to the ACA/SM column this year. Your perspectives were insightful, inspiring, and forced us to consider the world outside the little bubble of Walla Walla University. And lastly, I look forward to hearing from all of you who are returning or who will be spending next year abroad. Your opinions matter.

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http://indy100.independent.co.uk/article/14-incredibly-stupid-things-tourists-have-done-on-holiday--ekKwzfhq6g

So sweaty, late, and bare handed, you run your hands across and through the greasy wool.

Begin picking out the drying blood, pine needles, dirt clods, the poop turds, all of God’s most celebrated nature from the clingy fleece.

If you find a chunk of sheep neck or sheep thigh, pick that off too.

You must go faster than the others but you mustn’t tear the wool.

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Photo Credit: http://indy100.independent.co.uk/article/14-incredibly-stupid-things-tourists-have-done-on-holiday--ekKwzfhq6g

Come on, “You Guys.” Really?

In a society growing increasingly concerned about gender issues, one problem is frequently overlooked: the use of the term “you guys” to address a mixed-gender group or a group that consists entirely of women. The majority of the United States uses the term “you guys” as its go-to second-person plural pronoun in informal conversation. This male-dominated colloquialism in the nation’s everyday speech is thoroughly problematic for its desires for gender equality. While other male-defaulting terms certainly exist (“mankind,” “freshmen”), Americans use “you guys” every day in casual conversation, preserving a patriarchal structure in their language.

Some argue that “guy” is a gender-neutral word. A quick study of its etymology and use in recent centuries, however, shows that the word has been used almost exclusively in reference to men since its origins as a Guy Fawkes eponym. The word’s gender neutrality is further challenged when it is evident that one would not address a female individual as

“guy;” for example, one would not call Hillary Clinton “a nice guy,” because she is not a guy (and because she is evil). Much in the same way, from the opposite end, one would not address a group of males as “you gals,” or, “you ladies,” because they are not gals or ladies (and because men are afraid of having their delicate idea of masculinity poked at). If “guy” in its singular form is not used to address an individual woman, then why should “guys” ever be used to address a group of women?

Still, others may argue that the use of “you guys” does no actual harm because it has been widely accepted by women in our society today.

“I don’t even notice it,” or, “It doesn’t offend me—I say it, too!” seem to be two common attitudes of women in regard to the use of “you guys.” This view, however, is extremely problematic as well, for language is a reflection of how one thinks—if one constructs her or his thoughts with language, then should her or his vocabulary include obvious male-centric gender biases?

This concern is more than strife for mere “political correctness;” it is about stopping a systematic oppression of women that has engrained itself so deeply into today’s society that most fail even to recognize it. Refusing to recognize these sexist biases in speech perpetuates a culture that refuses to recognize females when addressing a group. Using male-defaulting terms to address a group of not-males is a bold proclamation that men are superior—whether it is intentional or not, calling women “guys” reduces their identity, causing lasting negative societal effects.

Joshua Huh Opinion Writer is understood depending on context. Still, if “you” is too ambiguous, one may borrow from older Americans, who address groups as “you all” or “you folks.” And while the South is not the first region one might look to for social progressivism, its use of the genderneutral “y’all” is becoming more widespread among American millennials today. “You guys” has no place in a culture that claims to value women—if one wants progress in gender equality, she or he must begin at the foundational structure of language, itself.

Understanding the problematic sexist implications that everyday speech can have is the first step in achieving gender equality. The next step is to change this everyday speech to include gender-neutral terms. Though the English language lacks a particular word to address a group of individuals, one can easily keep away from using gendered pronouns by using the word “you,” which can be used as both a singular and plural pronoun, and

COLUMN Joni Harris & Emily Huso What a lovely word, and what a lovely book cover! Now, neither of us have ever read this book, but it looks like a good one, I mean, what a title?! Let’s deconstruct it. The first thing we should look at is the subtitle—”Why Christianity Was Never Meant to Be Simple.” Another thing not meant to be simple—the cover design of this book. Also, why is the subtitle above the real title? Alright, let’s break it down: • • • •

doxology—liturgical expression of praise to God ology—the study of doxa—glory para—para, paradise Here’s another root word: oxen. This is a dilemma. We’re not necessarily cultural cosmopolitans, but we’re pretty sure that most people within the Hindu faith revere cows.1 The problem is, cows aren’t oxen, and according to the root words within paradoxology, paradise will exist when we give glory to oxen and study them. This is also a good time to ask yourself if you are equally yoked.2 In attempt at achieving this paradise, we started studying oxen. The first place we went? Wikipedia of course. Here’s their definition: “An ox (plural oxen), also known as a bullock in Australia and India”.3 Woah! Did you guys see that? In India, where Hinduism is practiced most widely, oxen are referred to as bullocks! This means that they don’t know! They don’t know that they should be giving glory to an ox!

For further scholarly reading on this subject: “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.”4 “Praise Him, all oxen here below.”5 [our emphasis added] http://tinyurl.com/nvtz7km 2 Corinthians 6:14 3 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ox 4 Animal Farm by George Orwell 5 “Doxology” by Thomas Ken 1 2

11

FRIENDS Vixie bailey Religion Writer During my junior year of high school I was a part of a survival week required for my school. I was attending DayStar Adventist Academy in Utah at the time, and our survival week was like an intense Week of Worship with a side class of how to live in the wild. One thing that we had as part of the worship experience was what was called “solo time,” which involved an hour or more of time out in the woods alone with your Bible and with God. During the morning worships, the speaker would give us a challenge that we would do in our solo time and then talk about in the evening worships. One day he asked us an odd question. He asked if we knew what God’s favorite color was. We all looked at him like he was crazy. Doesn’t He like them all? He did make them and said that everything He made was good. Our speaker continued on to state that God does, in fact, have a favorite color, but we

had to ask Him ourselves. That was our challenge.

The Bible presents us with a God who I feel that, more often than not, we misunderstand. We read our Bibles and somehow miss the fact that God is personal, and wants to be our friend.

Jesus came into this world to prove this fact. In Matthew 9:10, it says, “And as Jesus reclined at [the] table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and His disciples.” Here is the Son of God, who has spent eternity with countless angels worshiping Him, who has known the splendor of the galaxies, reclining at a table with sinners.

The Pharisees thought this was odd, as they would never associate with “unclean” people: “And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, ‘Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?’ But when

he heard it, he said, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’

For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners’” (Matthew 9:10-13).

Jesus came to bridge the gap that mindless religion had placed between the sinner and God. He came to make our connection with God personal—to give us a relationship with our Creator, and to call sinners, us, into fellowship with Him. My group of more than 30 people went into the woods to ask God what His favorite color is. We came back to camp and around the fire that night, we shared what God said. ALL of us got the same exact color: blue. God is real, He’s personal, and He wants so badly to be your friend. Some would say all you have to do is ask, and I would agree to a point.

That would make Him your friend, but

HEARING GOD IN THE SILENCE Christina Moran Devotional Writer When I first pursued my relationship with God, I was having a hard time believing that He was hearing my prayers and that He was real. I read the Bible every day, and even read a handful of pages from the “Spirit of Prophecy” here and there. What was going on? Did God not hear my prayers? Did God not care? I felt as though God had abandoned me. I felt as though I had taken too long to return back to God. I felt as though everything I did was wrong and I failed to please Him into accepting me and loving me. One day, with tears streaming down my face, I cried out to Him asking, "God, where are You?" I slumped down in my chair and grabbed the nearest book lying on the table. The book was “Ministry of Healing” written by Ellen White. When I opened up the book, I fell upon an excerpt of a Bible verse. The first words I read were "fear not, for I am with you..." In my head, I heard God's voice

read these words to me—or at least a voice I imagined Him to have if He read these words to me. Out of gratitude for His speedy answer to my cries and shame for accusing God of not being there for me, I continued to cry. Then, I heard His strong, yet peaceful, voice say, “Christina, finish reading the verse.” I continued reading. "Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

I was overwhelmed. I had asked God where He was and He answered that He was, in fact, "with [me]." Not only did He assure He was with me, but He told me how He would help me—by strengthening and upholding me with "His righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

A peace that surpassed all understanding flooded my heart (Philippians 4:7). Who was I that the Creator of the heavens and the earth would be right there beside

are you His friend? Do you know His favorite color? What type of music does He like? His favorite food? If you answered no, there is an easy fix: Ask, because He loves to share.

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you” ( James 4:8).

drew sihotang Religion Writer Here’s a small preview of his article which you will be able to see next year: “If there was one lesson I took away from my experience in big books, it would be this: don’t be afraid to fail...”

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

- Isaiah 41:10 me? Who was I that He would love me and tell me to not be afraid? Who was I? To Him, I was His lovely daughter. I was in need of hearing Him say that He loved me. I was in need of hearing Him say that He was with me. He "[kept] me as the apple of [His] eye" (Psalms 17:8).

He showed me that He cared. And He filled the God-shaped void in my life.

After this precious moment with God, He has been constantly reminding me of His promises and His presence in my life through many other instances. These blessed experiences have strengthened my faith in God. I have learned to grasp every single promise He provides in His Holy Word. I thrive on these promises as tokens of His immense love for me.

God reminds us in Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." He reminds

us to be courageous. Why? For "the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" ( Joshua 1:9). Understand that God can talk to people the way He talked to me, and he can do this in many different ways. The last thing I would desire would be to have someone read this short testimony and walk away expecting God to talk to them the same exact way He spoke to me. It is great to have faith that that He will speak. But to gain a false expectation of a prayer to be answered the same way He answered mine would be detrimental to the spiritual walk of the individual. God answers prayers in many different ways depending on the person and the situation. Nonetheless, I have learned that He does answer and that He is, in fact, real. I have "[tasted] and [seen] that the LORD is good" (Psalms 34:8).

And I am "blessed [because I] trust in Him” (Psalms 34:8).

TRAVEL RULES TO LIVE BY SUMMER FASHION STAPLES

SUMMER FASHION STAPLES TRAVEL RULES TO LIVE BY

darling AngelicaSUchan Culture Fashion Writer Writer

Angelica chan darling SU Fashion Writer Culture Writer

As Finals Week approaches, so does the start of summer break! I’m going on the UK tour this summer, and I’m pretty excited in case you couldn’t tell. When traveling, it’s important to pack what you need while also packing as light as possible. The most efficient items for a travel wardrobe are the ones that can be matched with multiple other items. Note that I’m a girl, so my advice applies mostly to ladies. With that in mind, here are some of my favorite summer staples that you can pack for wherever you go this summer.

As Finals Week approaches, so does the start of summer break! I’m going on the UK tour this summer, and I’m pretty excited in case you couldn’t tell. When traveling, it’s important to pack what you need while also packing as light as possible. The most efficient items for a travel wardrobe are the ones that can be matched with multiple other items. Note that I’m a girl, so my advice applies mostly to ladies. With that in mind, here are some of my favorite summer staples that you can pack for wherever you go this summer.

A t t t a f

1) Denim Shorts. This item is probably the first to pop into my head when I think summer style because there are so many shades and styles you can choose from. Plus, you can wear them with When we travel to the unknown places of practically any top and look good, which the world, we have a unique opportunity is a huge advantage when traveling. You to grow in various ways. We can break can make numerous outfits that all utilize down cultural barriers while simultanethe same item of clothing. In general, ously adopting new cultural values from light denim washes are perfect for casual different countries. Not only can we settings, while darker shades tend to be create a positive impact on these just a little bit dressier. Just make sure countries, but we can also banish that the length of the shorts you choose is stereotypes created by our own culture. appropriate for the setting.

As cheesy as it may sound, travel is a life-changing experience. It allows you to 2) Sunglasses. As the sun gets brighter have a better understanding of the world, and the days get hotter, it’s important to puts you in awkward situations where you keep your eyes protected. Obviously the had no idea a different pronunciation of a best sunglasses are the ones that protect word could determine whether you eat a your eyes, but they’re also an underrated rat or chicken for dinner, and even better, accessory. We take them for granted it provides a sense of adventure, which because they are so necessary during the opens doors to cultures. Here are several sun-filled months, but often forget that important tips I’ve learned throughout they can transform an outfit and make a my travel experience that I’d like to share statement. You could go classic with some with you: Ray-Bans, or channel your inner John Lennon with a pair of round shades. I’m 1) Be open to learning new things. Be sure many of us will be spending some willing to learn new phrases in a different quality time under the sun this summer language, and do at least one thing you’re break, and odds are high that you’ll be afraid of. (But if the waitress at the needing sunglasses. restaurant speaks English, do yourself a favor and order in English. One time I 3) Sundresses. Every summer, the thought I had ordered sashimi at a sundress is a popular style among girls Japanese restaurant, and apparently the everywhere. Whether you prefer floral waitress somehow understood I wanted a patterns, stripes, or bright colors, roll of snake sushi.) sundresses are easy to throw on and look classy in a variety of occasions, from the 2) Eat the local food. Even though last day of class to going out shopping.

McDonald’s sounds like a safe place to go Most sundresses are easy to wear because eat, you never know what you’ll be they are a whole outfit in themselves missing out on if you never try it (not and—as with any dress—accessories can saying that McDonald’s can’t be increditransform the outfit. You can add a bly tasty in different countries). If you cardigan or belt for a more put-together really want to experience the culture, look, or pair it with sandals for a classic don’t be scared to try their authentic summer vibe. foods.

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PEXELS.COM

3) Talk to your taxi driver. They are most likely the people who have the most knowledge of the city and know the best places to go—or places you should avoid.

4) “Travel is not a race to the bottom, so don’t turn cheapness into a competition.”1 Even though we may not have much of an income, understand that other people in different countries are trying to make a living, by selling hats for example.

5) There is no need to tell other people how many places you’ve been to. They might seem to care, but the only one who truly cares is yourself. Travel is a personal experience: your destinations are based on the desires you have. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is whether the decisions you made during your trip made you happy.

As Mark Twain said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.

Discover.”

Let’s face it: travel is a privilege. Not everyone is able to do it, whether it’s because of family, money, or other responsibilities. Travel is out of reach for many people. Therefore, it is important to https://www.ifchic.com/3x1/2032-mid-rise-boybe grateful for the times we have the friend-denim-shorts-cyrus.html choice and opportunity to do something https://www.gucci.com/us/en/pr/women/womens-acmost people can only dream about. cessories/womens-sunglasses/cat-eye-acetate-and-metal-sunglassesp-434072I33301890 1 Quote by Matthew Kepnes, an American http://www.axparis.com/products/Flotravel expert, New York Times bestselling ral-Plunge-Front-Skater-Dress.html

author, and blogger.

PEXELS.COM

3) Talk to your taxi driver. They are most likely the people who have the most knowledge of the city and know the best places to go—or places you should avoid.

4) “Travel is not a race to the bottom, so don’t turn cheapness into a competition.”1 Even though we may not have much of an income, understand that other people in different countries are trying to make a living, by selling hats for example.

5) There is no need to tell other people how many places you’ve been to. They might seem to care, but the only one who truly cares is yourself. Travel is a personal experience: your destinations are based on the desires you have. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is whether the decisions you made during your trip made you happy.

As Mark Twain said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.

Discover.”

Let’s face it: travel is a privilege. Not everyone is able to do it, whether it’s because of family, money, or other responsibilities. Travel is out of reach for many people. Therefore, it is important to https://www.ifchic.com/3x1/2032-mid-rise-boyfriend-denim-shorts-cyrus.html be grateful for the times we have the choice and opportunity to do something https://www.gucci.com/us/en/pr/women/womens-accessories/wommost people can only dream about. ens-sunglasses/cat-eye-acetate-and-metal-sunglassesp-434072I33301890 1 http://www.axparis.com/products/FloQuote by Matthew Kepnes, an American ral-Plunge-Front-Skater-Dress.html

travel expert, New York Times bestselling author, and blogger.

2 a k b y a b s t s R L s q b n

3 s e p s c l M t a t c l s

Mason Neil

Daniel Villarreal

Food Columnist

Global Service Writer

The Conscientious Eater The Field We Overlooked When disaster strikes, many organizations and thousands of volunteers mobilize to the disaster area to assist the local or national government in relief-related activities. Over the last 40 years, international humanitarian projects have become increasingly popular in the U.S.1 Students from all backgrounds seek to fulfill program requirements, enhance resumes, make long lasting relationships, and grow as individuals by embarking on international service trips.

According to the Corporation for National Community Service, the U.S. has seen an increase of 27 percent in the number of volunteers since 1974.2 In 2015 alone, more than 62 million people got involved in community service projects with one or more organizations.3 Young professionals are beginning to address international problems such as stopping the spread of diseases in Africa, ending human trafficking in India, and facilitating access to water in South America, to mention a few. However, in the middle of the issues that affect other regions of the world, we have overlooked the ones that affect the U.S. Every night 578,454 people sleep in the streets because they don’t have a home.4 More than 2 in 3 adults are considered to be overweight or obese.5 250,000 people are unemployed.6 Women make only 79 cents to every dollar men earn.7 These are real issues present at a walking distance from your home, school, and workplace. These problems affect people all around us. We cannot overlook the rest of the world’s problems and focus all our energy and resources in ourselves; that would be irresponsible. However, not dealing with the issues that affect our country is also irresponsible.

In 2014, the U.S. spent a total of 5.9 billion dollars on international humanitarian assistance, most of which came from the private sector.8 This included, but was not limited to, food, technology, healthcare, water, security, and personnel. If an equal amount of capital had been directed towards solving the issues that affect underrepresented groups of American society, there would have been an improvement in the standard of living for the general public.

These facts and figures are subject to change if people who believed that their mission was abroad were to refocus their efforts on the home front.

There are many organizations that welcome volunteers from all backgrounds. The National Coalition for the Homeless, The National Organization for Women, the Obesity Action Coalition, and the National Service and Youth Employment are a few of the organizations that advocate for change within the United States.

So this summer, as you make your obligatory trips to the beach, the mountains, and your grandma’s house, think of getting involved in a local organization to initiate change here and now. http://www.nationalservice.gov/pdf/06_1203_volunteer_growth.pdf Ibid.

3 http://www.bls.gov/news.release/volun.nr0.htm 4 http://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health-statistics/Pages/overweight-obesity-statistics.aspx 5 http://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/empsit.pdf 6 https://www.summer.harvard.edu/inside-summer/gender-inequality-women-workplace 7 http://www.globalhumanitarianassistance.org/countryprofile/united-states#tab-home 8 https://www.hudexchange.info/resources/documents/2014-AHAR-Part1.pdf 1 2

I recently found myself at a small restaurant that marketed itself as an eco-friendly establishment. Their ingredients were locally sourced, their water glasses devoid of straws, they used small rags instead of napkins, and so on. I love seeing examples like this of how the environmental movement has made an impact on mainstream businesses. As I began to explore the menu it came as no surprise to me that most of their dishes relied heavily on eggs, meat, and other dairy products.

This isn’t unusual, yet when you consider that this is an establishment which values its environmental friendliness, there seems to be a paradox of marketing and product.

Many who brag about being environmentally hyperaware fail to realize (or accept) that what we eat has the potential to have the largest environmental impact of any part of our lifestyle. I question the motives of those who choose to forgo personal transportation or other modern amenities for the sake of the environment, but continue to eat normal amounts of meat, when in reality, cutting out beef from your diet alone can be much more effective at reducing your carbon footprint than giving up cars altogether.1 I could go on about this for days, throwing all sorts of statistics and depressing articles at you, or I could even go as far as one UK Green Party representative who advocated for treating all meat-eaters like smokers, campaigning for rehab programs meant to help omnivores transition to an herbivore diet.2 I promise I will not do this. Instead, I hope to provide helpful recipes, restaurant reviews, and information about local farms that can be used to advise your lifestyle. Take what you like, leave what you don’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts at mason.neil@wallawalla.edu.

1 2

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jul/21/giving-up-beef-reduce-carbon-footprint-more-than-cars http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/treat-meat-eaters-like-smokers-6508343

A Simple, Guilt-free Summer Treat 1 qt. Strawberries 1 c. Vanilla Yogurt (dairy or soy) ½ c. Coconut Shavings (sweetened, because why not) This one's a doozy. Simply mix the yogurt and coconut, dip, and kick back.

15

Micah Hall Humor Writer

Closure I have had an incredible year. This is the final issue of The Collegian and it feels like proof that everything I have done this year has been worth it.

I recently found a list of goals I had made before this school year started. I will share them with you, tell you if I completed them, and include something about what each of them taught me.

Goal #1: Acquire a girlfriend. This goal has been masterfully completed. At the beginning of the year, I had resigned myself to the concept of dating a freshman.1 I am happy to report that I am now dating a senior. I am also happy to note that she is now my boss.2 Goal #2: Improve my GPA. I technically failed this goal. However, it is important to note that I only failed because I read an article that said GPA isn’t important after college... and because of all the homework I forgot to do.3 Goal #3: Skinny-dip in the Jesus fountain. I cannot say whether or not I did this. I can say it is a very bad fountain and it is hard to get your entire body wet.

Goal #4: Watch more TV. This has been done. Earlier in the year, I was worried that I would do so much homework that I would neglect to watch TV. I will have you know, I watched 18 seasons of “Survivor” during this school year.4 Goal #5: Get hired to work at The Collegian again. Not only did I complete this goal, I improved on it. I only applied for the position of humor writer, but I was asked to also work as the life editor. This means you will get to see more of my influence on every page of The Collegian.

As you can see, I completed all of my goals for this year.5 As always, it has been an incredible year at one of the eight SDA universities in North America that didn’t have a large racism scandal this year. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you next year.

See issue #1 of The Collegian from this year.

We are like Jan and Michael from “The Office”. Our first child will be named Astird.

In my defense, it is hard to know when the homework is due if you don’t go to class.

4 This is entirely true. I should not have done this, but it was definitely worth it.

5 With the exception of the pointless GPA goal.

1 2 3

Marissa Rosales Sports Writer

Davian Ross and Kuda Wenjere have been the two individuals that have been fighting for most scored goals in soccer intramurals. For a majority of the season Wenjere had been in the lead, however by the end of the season Ross pushed forward and became leading scorer.

Ross was born in St. Andrews, Jamaica and is co-captain of the team Cool Runnings; in a single game he has scored a total of five goals! Their record was 4-7-1 and when asked “What is your favorite pre-game meal? Or do you have a pre-game ritual?” Ross responded, “It’s not very healthy but I like to have at least one Honey Bun and some fruit along with some water or Gatorade. I always pull up a soccer video featuring some of the greatest strikers to ever play the game and after that I go out to the field with my music playing and I start juggling the soccer ball to get loose.” Getting pumped up for any game can be difficult so watching the best of the best can inspire you to play better. I am definitely adding this to my pre-game ritual list (check check)!

Wenjere was born in Harare, Zimbabwe and has played for a total of 18 years. Wenjere, who has scored five goals in one game, plays for PSG who has a record of 8-3-1; they were second place in the standings throughout the intramural season. I asked Wenjere, “How has your season been?” and, “Did it end like how you wanted it to?” He responded, “ The season had its ups and downs and we were eliminated in the semi-finals which is never fun, but I’ve enjoyed playing with the same group of people for the last three years.” Wenjere is a player who is fun to play against until he passes you and scores a goal, because once he has started he cannot stop.

Jose Damian, captain of PSG, was asked, “If there were any qualities that you admire about Davian and Kuda what would they be?” Damian responded, “Like some Hispanics would say, Davian has ‘ganas’ which means he has a desire and an urge to win every ball and score every shot. Kuda is fun to play with, I remember a game when I had the ball and he walked around me telling me what to do. I did everything he told me and I scored. It was almost like he had a controller in his hand.” Damian has high respect for these two players and so do I, since both of them have mentored me in their own ways. The passion they have for the sport and the love they have for their teammates is very admirable. Ross and Wenjere are players I admire because they are humble, but they are also beasts and some of the best players I know! So if you ever see them yell, “Esooo!!” (Meaning “that’s what’s up”) and they will smile at you.

SIDE

SUNNY UP Tips for ending strongish If you happen to be an endangered student, aka someone who actually has their life together, congrats, please teach me your ways, and don’t bother reading the rest of this article. However, if you’re like me and have the tendency to treat every week like syllabus week (I just found out that we were supposed to buy a textbook for Econ class) then I encourage you to continue reading. It’s time to kick your chill vibes attitude to the curb. Your D’s aren’t going to magically transform into A’s overnight. But it’s all good, I’m in the same boat. Sure, it’s the Titanic and we’re all sinking, but I outlined a plan below.

Feel free to follow these tips if you need some help finishing strongish. And by strongish, I mean minimal emotional breakdowns in the library.

Tip #1: SLEEP. Usually, when I say I’m going to sleep, I mean I’m going to lie in bed and refresh my Insta feed until 3 a.m. While this might slightly

By Lauren Wahlen resemble sleep, my mind is doing anything but resting. “How did she get her hair so shiny? That pic of half a grapefruit did not deserve 4,000 likes.

Why did he like all of my photos except the one of my dog?” Not only are these thoughts ultra-lame, they’re using up precious brain power that should be reserved for when I have to teach myself a quarter’s worth of material in one weekend. For the next week, sleep=asleep sleep.

Tip #2: EAT. Man may not live by bread alone, but I sure do. I somehow forgot to eat for two days last quarter during dead week, and it was a dark time for everyone who came into contact with me. I’m not delusional enough to commit to eating a vegetable with every meal, but I’ll try living off of something other than coffee. I already have all the new Dutch Bros stickers anyways.

Tip #3: STUDY. When I try to study, I usually just Snapchat about my stress levels, text poop emojis to my sister who already escaped college, search for the right song (can’t be too exciting or I’ll sing along, can’t be too boring or I’ll… be bored), complain to my study partners about how much I have to do, and maybe I’ll open a Word document if I’m feeling extra motivated. This week, I have to study fo realz. No more backup plan of joining the circus. Clowns are pretty terrifying, after all.

Tip #4: COMFORT FIRST. I wear pj’s every dead week, and tbh, it’s the only reason I’m still in school.

Escaping the comfort of my blankets is hard enough, so having to put on pants is just asking too much.

Plus, everyone will be so sleep deprived that they won’t even notice. I wore a nightgown to class the other day, a legit nightgown, and someone said they liked my dress. True story.

What to Expect Next Year Verbatim

Confessions

If you hear someone say something hilarious and think it deserves some more recognition, email me at lauren.wahlen@wallawalla.edu. If you don’t, I’ll just quote all of my professors in the social work masters program. It’s up to you.

“The chocolate, brothers and sisters!”

—Professor Dan Lamberton, satirizing “Birthday” by Paul Goodman “This is actually a personality test.”

—Dr. Gregory Dodds, on selecting scone flavors “It is my firm belief that if domestic cats weighed more they would kill you.”

—Dr. Kraig Scott “I think he sheds. He left black hair all over our sofa.”

—Professor Dan Lamberton on G.C. Walgrip

You’ll see people’s answers/anonymous confessions here. I’ll let you know the topic. So if you see me coming at you with a pen and paper, please don’t run away from me. I’ll just chase you down, and probably catch you, thanks to jogging class.

Other Ideas I’m coming up with a few other ideas that I may try out next year.

I’ve always loved the back page, so I’ll try to keep it as entertaining as it’s been in the past.