Volume 101 Issue 09

The Collegian Walla Walla University

Volume 101

Issue 09

01 DEC 2016

Remembering pearl harbor

5 4 Week in forecast

10 Student missions

15 Science

dear reader,

Editor-in-chief Matthew Moran

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I hope you had a thankful, memorable, and blessed Thanksgiving!

I, for one, had a crazy Thanksgiving building a Lego Trump wall with my cousins and lip-syncing Pharrell Williams and Michael Jackson in a family lip-sync battle... yeah, my family is lit. Anyways, The Collegian would like to welcome you back from stuffing your face with delicious food and emptying your pockets on great deals. To our student and faculty community, welcome back to the final weeks of fall quarter.

Even though Christmas is tantalizingly around the corner and Netflix remains a constant temptation, remember to keep focused until the last minutes of your last final because you are almost there.

Yeah, I'm kind of talking to myself here, but I thought everyone could use the encouragement.

perspective

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ASWWU

Table of Contents | 02 News | 03 Week in Forecast | 04

editor-in-chief Matthew Moran

layout designers Anna-Marie Vargas Claudia Curtis Geoffrey Lopes

assistant editor Abigail Wissink

news writers Kyler Alvord Lauren Epperson

Head layout editor Fränk Ramirez Head Copy editor Sophia Rich Life editor Micah Hall backpage editor Lauren Wahlen

So you might be wondering, "Why is the feature about Pearl Harbor?"

Before we jump into the frivolities of the Christmas season, The Collegian would like to take time to honor the lives lost in Pearl Harbor 75 years ago. While Christmas is full of caroling out in the winter snow and snuggling at the fireplace with that special someone (and/or some hot cocoa), one of the primary blessings of Christmas is the ability to spend time with families and friends to celebrate Jesus' birth and the blessings of another year. Thus, The Collegian would like to recognize those whose Christmases will forever be tainted by the tragedy of Pearl Harbor. We would also like to honor everyone who has offered themselves in service of this great nation. We salute you and thank you for your service.

On a broader scale, we would like to lift in prayer the families who have experienced loss, whether that be from Pearl Harbor, 9/11, or a multitude of other tragedies. Christmas is one of

Copy Editors Katherine Beckner Lindsey Luna food editor Mason Neil feature editors Brandon Pierce Michael Jensen Ysabela Ramirez Bryndilynn Goodlyn humor writer Micah Hall religion writer Vixie Bailey Cartoonist Emmanuel Perry

life

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USSHORNET

Feature | 05 Devotional | 08 Religion & Opinion | 09 Student Missions | 10

opinion writer Yvanna Hammen-Alvarez Joshua Huh columnists Joni Harris & Emily Huso

the most difficult times for friends and families to remember their deceased loved ones. Thus, no matter what you are doing this Christmas season, I hope you will remember to comfort those who are mourning and struggling with burdens.

Your presence, although seemingly miniscule, could mean the world to them.

Sit with them, listen to them, and simply be there for them. If you are one of those struggling with loss, I hope you can find peace in the friends and family who will surround you with Christian love, because this is the essence of the Christmas season. This is what it means to be Jesus to one another. This is what it means to have Emmanuel-God with us.

Thank you for reading The Collegian.

You can send any comments, questions, or contributions to aswwu.collegian@ wallawalla.edu or matthew.moran@ wallawalla.edu.

As always, enjoy and IPFY (i.e. I'm praying for you) every day!

@TECHYGRIZZ101

Humor & Snapchat | 11 Fashion & Culture | 12 Cartoon & Senate | 13 Food & #thecollegian | 14 Science | 15 Sunny Side Up | 16

If you are interested in contributing to The Collegian, speak with one of our illustrious staff members. The Collegian is enhanced by regularly incorporating a wide range of campus perspectives.

Devotional writer Christina Moran Fashion writer Angelica Chan Culture/travel writer Darling Su ACA/SM Editor Stephanie Septembre Science writer Jordan Brooks Creative writing editor Mac Ford

Cover Credit: washingtontimes.com The Collegian is the official publication of ASWWU. Its views and opinions are not necessarily the official stance of Walla Walla University or its administration, faculty, staff, or students. Questions, letters, and comments can be sent to aswwu. collegian@wallawalla.edu or matthew.moran@wallawalla.edu. This issue was completed at 1:00 A.M. on Thursday, December 1, 2016.

global service writer Daniel Villarreal Office Manager AnneMarie Vixie Distributors Jaziel Villalvazo Victoria Ico

The Collegian | Volume 101, Issue 09 | 204 S. College Avenue, College Place, WA 99324 https://issuu.com/aswwucollegian

NEWS CONTEXT

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PENITENTIARY ESCAPEE BACK IN CUSTODY

N THIS BLOCK

NEWS CONTEXT

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college avenue lip sync battle the longest ta connects campus

Neal Alan Millikan, 31, was working Millikan was arrested in Kennewick and bail jumping. His release was set for @ASWWU with the prison garden crew on Oct. 14 two days later after a police officer January 2018, but his escape may add when somebody noticed he was missing. stopped a vehicle that he was riding in. another felony onto his record.

After conducting a headcount at the He was originally sentenced for 27 Millikan has been returned to the Washington Penitentiary facility and confirming absence, in This prison after convicted Almost State 200 people showed up for a There were his several people there to months act week hasbeing brought in many wide-penitentiary where he will await his court Uni inmate hasbattle been during charged with Walla Walla police and wereannounce notified aand a controlled substance, date to discuss the escape charges. lip sync JumpStart.

Many as judges winner. Oneofofpossessing eyed freshman and they have been willing first-degree freshmen escape after theshow Walla Washington’s emergency response teamsVP Peter possessing stolen property, felony eluding wereleaving eager to off their lip the judges, ASWWU Spiritual to try all kinds of things. We are excited fter nearly year a half of students.

“I remember Walla prisonsyncing grounds lastinmonth without were dispatched. skills front of their new classFlores, said, “I like athe factand that so many to see what things this classmoving will go in onattothe n Saturday, Oct. 1, Walla Walla With the widening of College Avenu construction, the WWU Walla Walla beginning of last year and feeling so people were putting themselves out there permission. mates. The battle consisted of individuals accomplish.

University Church hosted their sidewalks came the removal of these University portion Avenue lost on my own campus,” senior Kristina choosing a song and doing their best to regardless of how scaryofitCollege might have annual Longest Table event. A quarterKozakova said. “Our car got really dirty poles. “The campus is very open and opened to vehicle just class in time appear to be singing the lyrics of a song been to perform.

Thistraffic freshman is for mile-long table stretched the length of and dusty and I couldn’t even access my visible to College Avenue traffic, bot the school year. while it’s being played. awesome!” lauren Fourth Street. This feast of food connect laurenepperson epperson own apartment.” vehicular and pedestrian,” McVay sai community families with university News NewsWriter Writer Sep. 9 was a sunny and joyous day in On Friday, September 9, WWU students.

Food is a great way to bond While upperclassmen remember community, and College Place reside administrators gave the “all clear” to with hopped people and thiscars event a great way the days of unblocked driveways and in their to isappreciate th open the campus portion of College Sunday, Decmany 4 WWU students have for students to getthat toaverage know local familie Senate will require an of three open roads, final product they waited so lon Avenue, and the barriers were removed Rudolph 9 a.m. inCollege the WEC parking lot we will of have the 5Kand is a a church week paid work inhours their community. never Run: seen aAt functional Avenue, for.

“When I first heard College Ave by late afternoon. The C.A.R.S. Project good way to cocoa get finish involved withmeals, the inner Rudolph Run a Christmas-themed run.

Hot andtheir candy students viewing thefundraiser, road as nothing more than After had opened, I didn’t believe it,”they senio isn’t quite complete, with construction workings of ASWWU. Senators are canes will be served afterwards.

Everyone is encouraged to come and dress in a large sidewalk. WWU President John Amanda Winter said.

“I thought Iw continuing south of campus until midexpected best holiday outfits!

The admission theto: runbefore is $10I for noted that the opening of the price for graduate sawstudents that finished!”

November, but students can once again theirMcVay $20 was for community members.

Team price is $30 for a team of four. further put off until updated drive from the center of campus to Taco androad • Attend weekly meetings onfacul crosswalks were available to pedestrians, The following week,(Held WWU Bell in a matter of minutes.

Tuesday, 6 to safely readjust to allowingDec students spiced up their Faculty-Staff Assemb Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) are handing out coupons at community for this.

If youparade. thruFundraiser: traffic. TheWe extended time also with a little College Avenue According to the University’s Tumblr Panda Communicate constituents allowed crews12-8 to finish go to Pandaconstruction Express between p.m.final that •dayThe with the coupon, they will caravan ofwith decorated cars showe page, the WWU section of College road20 accessories interference. donate percent ofwithout proceeds to our project. aand unique way to celebrate, Avenue was originally scheduled to represent their opinionssporting “If I had to identify my favorite everything from the newly redesigne open by September 2015. Early stages • Be active on email improvement,” McVay said, “it is not WWU van to McVay’s ’63 Volkswag of construction, however, revealed some Thursday, Dec 8 something added 5-7 but p.m. something removed • be Study the ASWWU Governing Bug. issues with the road’s infrastructure. By African Gala: From the entire caf will serving African food, very unsightly forest utility the time things were coordinated, the and—the there prior, will be a suggestion at the of door for a donation of $6.

We’ll have documents poles.”and Before C.A.R.S. Project,music large as well The real celebration, project had fallen behind. speakers play the some African-style as decorations.

Then,though, in Care about WWU and ASWWU poles littered the sidewalks, happened later on when students dro the wooden Alaska Room, is a fancier event. Dress up• and enjoy live entertainment. wiping upbills their textbooks and realized The large bulldozers and gutted Thenot costonly is $20 per out seat.pedestrians, but • pick Write and express opinions on University obstructing of front campus. streets created a fair share of stress among There no longer have to park backward in t is limitedviews seating, so RSVP at aswwu.globalservice@wallawalla.edu. bills being presented fter nearly a year and a half of students. “I remember moving in at the Declarations of Candidacy may be found With the widening of College Avenue construction, the WWU Walla Walla beginning of last year and feeling so on the outside door of the ASWWU sidewalks came the removal of these University portion of College Avenue lost on my own campus,” senior Kristina Executive Office (on the first floor of Kozakova said. “Our car got really dirty poles. “The campus is very open and opened to vehicle traffic just in time for Kellog Hall), and are due on Tuesday, and dusty and I couldn’t even access my visible to College Avenue traffic, both the school year.

October 11. own apartment.” vehicular and pedestrian,” McVay said.

Sep. 9 was a sunny and joyous day in the On Friday, September 9, WWU While upperclassmen remember bookstore parking lot. community, and College Place residents administrators gave the “all clear” to the days of unblocked driveways and hopped in their cars to appreciate the open the campus portion of College open roads, many WWU students have “Before the C.A.R.S. Project, the final product that they waited so long Avenue, and the barriers were removed never seen a functional College Avenue, walk to my apartment was sketchy and for. “When I first heard College Avenue by late afternoon. The C.A.R.S. Project viewing the road as nothing more than detached from campus. There weren’t had opened, I didn’t believe it,” senior isn’t quite complete, with construction a large sidewalk. WWU President John stoplights by the cafeteria and cars didn’t Amanda Winter said. “I thought I would continuing south of campus until midMcVay noted that the opening of the always stop for pedestrians,” Kozakova graduate before I saw that finished!”

November, but students can once again road was further put off until updated said. “Now, College Avenue looks drive from the center of campus to Taco crosswalks were available to pedestrians, amazing and inviting and I feel safer The following week, WWU faculty Bell in a matter of minutes. allowing students to safely readjust to walking home.” Patience is a virtue, and spiced up their Faculty-Staff Assembly thru traffic. The extended time also after months of practicing it, the virtue with a little College Avenue parade.

According to the University’s Tumblr allowed construction crews to finish final finally paid off. Here’s to the new and The caravan of decorated cars showed page, the WWU section of College road accessories without interference. improved College Avenue—may the next a unique way to celebrate, sporting Avenue was originally scheduled to “If I had to identify my favorite generation never struggle like we did. everything from the newly redesigned open by September 2015. Early stages improvement,” McVay said, “it is not WWU van to McVay’s ’63 Volkswagen of construction, however, revealed some

Kyler alvord News Writer

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FUNDRAISERS

college avenue connects campus

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Open Senate Positions!

WEEK IN FORECAST FRIDAY

THURSDAY

SATURDAY

Dec 1

dec 2

dec 3

Christmas After Hour 7:30-9 p.m. SAC

ASWWU Outdoors Cabin Trip American Ridge Lodge

ASWWU Outdoors Cabin Trip American Ridge Lodge

College Ave Ribbon Cutting 10-10:30 a.m. College Avenue

Evensong 4 p.m. University Church CABL Rollerskating Christmas Party 5 p.m. Village Church Youth Center

SUNDAY

Tuesday

WEDNESDAY

dec 4

dec 6

dec 7

Rudolph Run 5k 9 a.m. WEC parking lot

Panda Express Fundraiser 12-8 p.m. Meadowbrook Boulevard

Big Band & Steel Band Concert 7:30 p.m. FAC

coming up

Thursday, Dec 8 African Gala 5-7 p.m. Cafeteria

Friday, Dec 9 Christmas Concert: “Christmas Joy” 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. University Church

Thursday, Dec 15 Country Estates Christmas Dinner volunteer opportunity

FEATURE PERSPECTIVE

A Pearl of Great Price: Remembering December 7, 1941

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PERSPECTIVE FEATURE

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PART ONE BY: Brandon pierce Feature Editor

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esterday, December 7, 1941-a date which will live in infamy-the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”1 Thus began the Presidential address heard over the airwaves 75 years ago as President Franklin D. Roosevelt called a shocked America into the Second World War in response to Japan’s deadly surprise attack on Pearl Harbor in Honolulu, Hawaii. This attack sank or disabled 19 ships and destroyed or damaged 292 planes.

Although the attack only lasted just under two hours, it took the lives of 2,403 American people-both military and civilian-and wounded an additional 1,178.2 This year’s December 7th marks the 75th anniversary of the fateful attack on Pearl Harbor, and as we remember the tragedy that would shape the course of WWII and mark the entrance of the United States into World War II, we have collected some of the more interesting facts surrounding that fateful day.

1. The sinking of the USS Arizona was a family tragedy as well as a national tragedy. Of the 38 known sets of brothers assigned to the USS Arizona, 23 were killed. In total, 63 of the 79 boys died, as well as the only father-son pair on the ship. Despite the Navy’s attempts to discourage families from serving together, the bond of brotherhood could not be broken and brothers still enlisted, served, and died together. An especially tragic example of

bryndilynn goodlin Feature Editor this is encapsulated in the story of the five Sullivan brothers who insisted on serving together on the USS Juneau after their friend was killed on the USS Arizona.

These tragically loyal brothers were later killed together when their ship was sunk during the Battle of Guadalcanal.3 4 2. The USS Arizona continues to leak oil to this day. This is due to the 1.5 million gallons of oil used to fuel up the Arizona the day before the attack.

Although about a million of those gallons were used up in the explosions and fires that helped to destroy the ship, about 500,000 gallons were still aboard when she sank and are still seen seeping up to the surface at a rate of up to 9 quarts per day. During good weather conditions, the oil can been seen floating on the surface of the water. It has been referred to as the “tears of the Arizona” or the “black tears.”5 Some have even taken this so far as to say that it is the tears of the crew still entombed in the ship.

3. The USS Arizona, USS Oklahoma, and USS Utah were the only ships not repaired. Because of Japan’s failure to complete their attack with their pre-planned third-wave that would have destroyed the repair yards and fuel reserves, and possibly the submarine base, the United States was able to repair all but the three aforementioned ships, keep their fleet operational, and participate in the Pacific War on a major sub-level.6 All three of the unrepaired ships were

STEPHANIE GRAHAM

decommissioned shortly following the attack. The USS Oklahoma was the only one of the three to be removed from the harbor. The USS Utah sank near Ford Island and is still there to this day. Sadly it is not open to the public at this time.7 The USS Arizona, although a potential environmental disaster resulting from the tons of oil leaking from its wreckage, is also still entombed in the harbor due to its significance as a “war grave.” In fact, at least 30 more soldiers have been buried in the harbor so that they can be alongside their comrades in the USS Arizona.8 4. Don’t believe what you see in the movie. There are several inaccuracies in the 2001 film "Pearl Harbor." One of the major inaccuracies is when the two main characters are seen driving to Ford Island.

This would be impossible at the time because the only bridge built to the island wasn’t built until 1998! Read hundreds more major and minor inaccuracies in the link provided below.9 5. Kazuo Sakamaki was the first prisoner of war that the United States captured in World War II. Ensign Sakamaki of the Imperial Japanese Navy was one of ten sailors piloting two-men, Ko-hyoteki class midget submarines during the Battle of Pearl Harbor. Their mission was to supplement the aerial attack by sneaking into the Harbor and firing torpedos. Of the five submarines included in the attack, only one is confirmed to have fired its torpedoes within Pearl

Harbor itself, however those torpedos caused no outstanding damage. Nine of the 10 crewmembers died in the attack, leaving Ensign Sakamaki the lone survivor when his submarine ran aground off Oahu.

While his submarine was paraded around the United States to encourage the purchase of war bonds, Kazuo Sakamaki was interned in a POW camp on the mainland.

After the war, Sakamaki released his memoirs, “Four Years as a Prisoner-of-War, No. 1,” in Japan and on the eighth anniversary of the attack, they were released in the U.S. as “I Attacked Pearl Harbor.”10 “I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.”11 Although historical evidence is lacking linking the Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto with this quote widely attributed to him, it is certain that this is exactly what his infamous attack did.12 Overnight, a country that was divided about whether or not to join the war, united under FDR’s declaration of war.13 This united country would go on to retaliate and eventually change the face of the war and history forever. President Roosevelt was spot-on with his final declaration in his December 8, 1941 presidential address: “With confidence in our armed forces-with the unbounding determination of our people-we will gain the inevitable triumph-so help us God.”14

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FEATURE PERSPECTIVE

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STEPHANIE GRAHAM

PART TWO BY: stephanie graham Contributing Writer

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hroughout my life, I have been very interested in learning about every part of the attack on Pearl Harbor. However, one can not fully understand the majesty of actually being in such a momentous place until setting foot at Pearl Harbor.

I had the opportunity to travel to Pearl Harbor a few months ago with my family and it brought history to life in a way that I never could have expected. As we flew into Honolulu, we flew over Pearl Harbor, and no words could describe the overwhelming feelings that flooded me as I tried to think about what it would have been like on that day so long ago.

My emotions only intensified when, two days later, we were finally able to make the trip to see Pearl Harbor in person. I can honestly say that I could have spent several days exploring Pearl Harbor and absorbing every bit of information possible. If you ever have the chance to go there, do not plan on spending just a few hours-it takes a full day and then some!

There is a museum that tourists are able to walk through that provides great detail about events leading up to the attack and what happened moment by moment. From my time at Pearl Harbor, there are several

moments that really stick out to me.

The first moment that sticks out was when the reality that I was about to see the USS Arizona truly hit me. On the short boat ride over, I let my imagination go wild. I tried to image the ship above the water and ready to set sail. With her 14-inch guns glistening in the sun, American flag blowing in the wind, she

“

Almost the entire crew of the USS Arizona is entombed, of the 1,177 total crew, 1,102 went down with the ship.� was the flagship of the American Battleship Division One, and at 608 feet in length and all muscle, it is easy to see how one would feel so invincible on her. This got me to thinking about how the scene would have played out. There were several instances when the Japanese should have been caught but, due to unfortunate chains of command, they slipped through the front door.

The men on the ground they never saw the planes coming until it was too late. Each ship was going through the morning routine of raising the flag when the first planes arrived. The Ford Island airbase suffered similarly. The aircraft had been moved out onto the airstrips to avoid sabotage and were sitting ducks. The world was one of chaos: planes flying in all directions; ships unable to defend themselves lest they damage one of their comrades; bombs and explosions everywhere; shells spitting from ship and plane; metal groaning under the stress of each new explosion; men, young and old, fighting for their lives and the lives of their shipmates; water, no-longer blue, but muddied red from the lives lost and black from the growing layer of oil on the surface. If these men were not in pieces, entombed, or shot, they were badly burned or at least under tremendous shock.15 Not one soul would have been left unscathed.

Another moment that sticks out to me is the moment I stepped off the boat onto the USS Arizona memorial. There was this feeling that I was stepping onto something reverent. This, however, was not even fully felt until I walked into the part of the memorial that lists those who served on this great ship. Almost the entire crew of the USS Arizona is entombed, of the 1,177 total crew, 1,102 went down with the ship.16 Ford Island also suffered a tremendous loss through the destruction of its planes. While walking on the

airfield at Ford Island, I felt like I was walking through history. The airbase still holds some evidence of the attack. You can see the bullet holes through the glass and some of the concrete still tells of the bullets that grazed it. If you ever get the chance to visit Pearl Harbor, it is an experience that you will not soon forget.

The attack forever changed all who were a part of it and it still changes all who visit it today.

1 http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/pearl-harbor-speech-december-8-1941.php 2 http://www.encyclopedia.com/places/united-states-and-canada/miscellaneous-us-geography/pearl-harbor 3 http://www.history.com/news/5-facts-about-pearl-harborand-the-uss-arizona 4 https://www.nps.gov/valr/learn/historyculture/brothersassignedarizona.htm 5 http://www.history.com/news/5-facts-about-pearl-harborand-the-uss-arizona 6 http://www.encyclopedia.com/places/united-states-and-canada/miscellaneous-us-geography/pearl-harbor 7 http://www.pearlharbor.org/ships-and-aircraft.asp 8 http://www.history.com/news/5-facts-about-pearl-harborand-the-uss-arizona 9 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213149/goofs 10 http://www.nytimes.com/1999/12/21/world/kazuo-sakamaki-81-pacific-pow-no-1.html 11 http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2001-10-28/entertainment/0110260564_1_pearl-harbor-tora-tora-richardfleischer 12 ibid 13 http://www.encyclopedia.com/places/united-states-and-canada/miscellaneous-us-geography/pearl-harbor 14 http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/franklin-delano-roosevelt/pearl-harbor-speech-december-8-1941.php 15 https://www.ibiblio.org/hyperwar/USN/rep/Pearl/Medical.html 16 https://www.nps.gov/valr/faqs.htm

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CONTEXT DEVO/CAMPUS MINISTRIES

I LIVED Christina Moran Devotional Writer

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hen I was seven, I lived with a huge fear of death. I would create scenarios of escape routes if my house caught on fire, or something of the sort. I would especially worry about how I would save my parents and my brother from danger. “Little me” was in constant worry about the safety of my family. When my parents would let my care-free brother go on hikes with his friends, I would secretly wish that my parents would instead forbid him from these “dangerous” adventures. But, to my despair, they would always allow him to go on these escapades. Each time he was away, I would be in constant prayer that God would keep him safe and each time he came back home I would be relieved. One day, I asked my brother if he was ever scared that one day he would die. After some thought, he responded, “Well, if I die, I trust that it’s all in God’s time. So for now, I don’t have to be afraid of death. If I was afraid of death, I would stay in my house all the time so that I wouldn’t die.” After giving his

response some thought, I realized that I had been focused on my fear of death so much that I forgot to allow myself to go on adventures and simply live without fear. By worrying, I did not allow myself to actually live. In a sense, I was already dead in a moving body. Instead of focusing on trying to avoid death, I decided that I wanted to focus on truly living out my life.

Nearly two people die every second.1 Those two people can be you or me.

But, look, on the bright side, four births happen every second.2 That’s more life than death when you compare the ratio of people dying and babies entering the world. I have learned to grasp the life I have now and not live in fear. Fear of death didn’t hold me back from death. No one can “add a single hour to [their] life... by worrying” 3. Having this fear is useless.

I might as well live with a couple of risks than to live without a spirit of adventure.

That way, when I die, I can say that I lived well.

1 Ecology Communication Group, Inc (ECG).

Accessed November 29, 2016. http://www.ecology.com/birth-death-rates/.

2 ibid.

3 Matthew 6:27 (NIV )

WORSHIP

& VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES Here are some options for worship activities on campus this week.

Heubach Morning Worship – Mon-Fri 7:30 a.m.

Heubach Worship – Tues 9 p.m.

Fireside Worship – Thurs 9:30 p.m.

Hispanic Ministries Worship – Mon 7 p.m.

Hall Worships – Wed 9 p.m.

Prayer Meeting – Wed 7 p.m.

Vespers – Fri 8 p.m.

Here are some upcoming volunteer opportunities in the area.

ASWWU Video. Dec 1. | Vimeo.com/aswwu

Cooking class at Blue Mountain Valley Mission Church – Dec. 4 Caroling – Dec. 3 & 9 Salvation Army – Dec. 10 at 3 p.m.

Homeless Bag Drive – Dec. 7, 9, & 10

RELIGION/OPINION PERSPECTIVE

ALWAYS THANKFUL VIXIE BAILEY Religion Writer

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hanksgiving. That holiday where you awkwardly sit around and figure out how much food you can eat without being judged by all the relatives who come to stare at you like you’re part of a museum. Then you make a cliché Facebook post about how thankful you are for everything and secretly wonder how soon you can escape to somewhere to sleep off all the food you just ate.

But Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It has been for a while and will be probably forever. Why? Because I have an awesome family. I have the

world’s most beautiful young woman as my sister, a wonderful daddy with a great sense of humor, awesome brothers who I can count on no matter what, a super cool extended family, and fantastic friends who have my back. When I sat down to dinner last week, I was with people I love, and people who love me. I am blessed. This year, it has been really easy to be thankful. I went home to my family complete with four cats and a poodle, spent time laughing, playing a lot of Apples to Apples, and enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t have any depressive episodes for a week, which was pretty awesome considering how this quarter has gone for me.

Too often we are only thankful when things are going well. It’s easy then. But what about the other times?

What about when things aren’t going the way I planned? I am thankful because I am blessed, but this year, I want to be thankful beyond the blessing. I’m thankful for the hurt, because without it, I wouldn’t grow. I’m thankful for the struggles, because without them, I wouldn’t know the joy of the blessings.

I’m thankful for the rain of life, because it makes me grow in Christ. I’m thankful for the time away from home, because it makes going home all the better.

This holiday season be thankful.

Even if you aren’t going to be on the dean’s list, even if you still haven’t found that job your parents are pressuring you to get just yet, even if you didn’t make it into that class. Romans 8:28 gives a reason for us to be thankful, even if things aren’t going according to our plan:

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“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

So if you have to take an extra quarter, if you’re not quite on track, if a class is extra stressful, relationships aren’t working, etc., know that God has a plan for you still and everything is going to work out. It’s not super fun playing the waiting game on things that are stressing you out, but hang in there. There are two and a half more weeks until this quarter is finished. That is something to be thankful for.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 1

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV )

THEELOQUENTEQUINE

THOUGHTS Yvanna Hammen-Álvarez Opinion Writer

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he thoughts of one who’s lost a loved one recently can be varied. Sometimes these notions are weak constellations of colorful words, and other times they are strong series of bleak, gray words. Here are some of these kinds of thoughts that crossed my mind a month after my grandmother passed away and I was about to go down to Costa Rica to visit my grandpa, aunt, and their house—my home.

“I do not know if my faith is ready to be tested in such a way.

My shoulders weaken as the rest of me collapses.

How can my heart possibly bear the thought of this world without her?

How can my mind possible bear the feelings of pain and loss?

My empty self weakens as the her ineffable words come to mind: ‘I love you’ and ‘We’ll see each other soon, when God wants it.’

I do not know if my faith is ready to be tested in such a way.

My weakness weakens as my wariness collapses.

I now know my faith is ready to be tested in such a way.”

Sometimes you feel that the hope you’ve been clinging to is disintegrating in your grasp. You can understand that you need to go with the flow, but sometimes you just don’t want to.

Sometimes you could be doing a squats workout and the memory of her just hits you and you realize that you won’t see her in this world again. You realize what a God-given blessing the last few years were that you got to spend with her, and how much you miss asking for grandmotherly advice. And although

sometimes you feel that you don’t remember things, it kind of hits you like a wave… you remember something here and there—and then you remember it all. You remember it “the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once.” 1 If you feel that you’ve been grieving for far too long or you haven’t “gotten over” something difficult that’s happened to you, don’t worry. You should never fully “get over” it, especially when it comes to death.

Hang on to the memories and especially to the hope that you see on the horizon.

Grasp for it, and don’t release it.

1“

The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green

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LIFE STUDENT MISSIONS PIXABAY

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THROUGH MY EYES Julia mcedward Contributor

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am startled that I have already been in East Timor for basically three months and that my time here is about one-fourth of the way over. How can that possibly be? There is so much still to do, so much to see, so many more words to learn and people to meet! Yes, I will be beyond excited to see my family and friends again, but I just know I am going to miss this beautiful island and her beautiful people something fierce.

Strangely enough, I’ve found it hard to live in the moment here. During the daytime there is no other way but to live in the moment you are in due to the craziness and stress of it all, but during the evenings, it’s different. I find myself so in love with the culture and its people here that I am saddened by all the places, adventures, people, and foods I will be missing when I go back to America. On the flip side, some nights I lay awake, wishing I could have a hug from my Mom, a burrito from Taco Bell, or even just a lingering moment to sit under a fall tree back home.

This morning I realized how tragic it is that I have not been living in the present every moment I’ve been here so far. This is something I will begin working on, but I know it will be hard. I can’t completely ditch my life back in America for a year and then come back expecting everything to be the same—it doesn’t work like that at all. If I want the same friends I had before, I have to keep working on those friendships, and it’s best to keep tabs on the other things happening over there too. If I need the

support my friends are giving me, I should be willing to give that same support to them as well—even if I am thousands of miles away.

Amazingly, I have felt little homesickness here. I wasn’t sure what to expect with homesickness because of my strange childhood where I gallivanted across the globe with my family, but so far that part has been pretty chill. Even though I haven’t felt too homesick, a strange restlessness has cropped up. Maybe this is a symptom of homesickness, I am not really sure, but let me tell you, it sucks! Restlessness is much worse than many other emotions because I seriously have no idea what to do with myself. I usually end up cleaning my classroom, hand-washing my clothes, exercising, or exploring the shops and streets in our town.

These things definitely help, but I’ve found that the best way to combat the restless disease is to hang out with other people who feel the same way. I can’t fully speak for the other SMs here, but I have a feeling they also experience it and can understand the way I am feeling. We spend many afternoons climbing things, singing, playing sports, or just talking about life.

Those times spent with them are really meaningful to me because I feel connected, valued, and a part of a bigger purpose. God has used the other SMs here (and many other people) to bring joy into my life, and I am thankful for that!

Used with permission from Julia’s blog “Through My Eyes”: http:// juliatravelstotimorleste.weebly.com/my-blogposts

My name is Jennifer Carpenter and I’m WWU’s Title IX coordinator.

Title IX is part of the US Education Amendments designed to protect you from sexual misconduct and discrimination based on sex. WWU provides support, advocacy, and a variety of resources related to Title IX. Learn more at wallawalla.edu/title-ix .

Want to be part of the conversation?

Email me at jennifer.carpenter@wallawalla.edu to join a student task group focused on Title IX education resources for campus.

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HUMOR/SNAPCHATS LIFE

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FIVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

NOT TO WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON NUMBER FOUR WILL BLOW YOUR LEGS OFF! micah hall Humor Writer

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ang on to your legs! This is an incredible list. Over the last two weeks, I have spent hours surveying Netflix’s wide variety of Christmas films to bring you a list of the five movies you should not watch this Christmas season.

Before you read this list, I must inform you that this is a very good list. This list is so good that number four will probably blow your legs straight off.

1. “Frosty the Snowman” (1969) Besides being made in 1969, the “Year of Sin,”1 “Frosty the Snowman” is hardly a bastion of Christian values. This film centers around a snowman who is possessed by a magic hat.

While some people might feel comfortable watching a film where possession is portrayed in such a lighthearted manner, I can’t watch it without being reminded of the missionary stories I read as a child where real

people were possessed by actual demons in real life.2 2. “Santa Buddies: The Return of Santa Paws” (2009) “Santa Buddies” is a film that is unashamed of how terrible it is. This film is aimed at children, but it presents a sinister message. This “Air Bud” spinoff features a number of “air buddies” who, unlike Air Bud, are able to speak and sing in perfect English.

The film doesn’t explicitly explain how they can speak English, but there appear to only be two options: evolution or possession.

If the answer is evolution, I would strongly suggest you don’t waste your time on some Dawkins-esque propaganda. If the answer is possession, then this movie takes a dark and spooky turn. Very scary. I do not recommend.

It is also a very bad movie and is not fun at all.

3. “Christian Mingle” (2014) This movie is awful. It is so very bad. It is based on the dating site

SNAPCHATS

ChristianMingle. It also appears to be based on “After Earth” because it is a terrible movie that should never have been made.

While I was originally offended by the terrible premise and terrible execution of the film, I soon realized that they made another critical mistake. The film claims to quote James 1:7-8, but it actually quotes James 1:2-3. This is not okay. If you are going to make a film called “Christian Mingle” you should at least make sure to quote “The Holy Bible” correctly.

Important note before continuing: You have probably enjoyed this list so far. It is a good list. However, number four is where the list gets really good. It gets so good, that the surprise of how good this list is will probably blow your legs off. Be forewarned.

4. “Love Actually” (2003) This movie is actually quite good by secular standards. It features a cast of good actors and it has a compelling storyline.

When you actually watch the film, you realize that it is not a good, wholesome,

holiday film. It is actually two hours of hedonism masquerading as a good time.

This film heavily features alcohol use, swearing, and fornication. Please do not watch this film if you value your morality.

5. “Get Santa” (2014) Sorry about your legs. Now that you don’t have legs, you will likely need to spend a little time in the hospital recovering. There will be plenty of time to watch Netflix. I implore you to watch any film other than “Get Santa.” This film portrays a Santa on the run from the police. He crashed his sleigh (possibly from intoxication) and he needs help.

This portrayal of Santa is obscene.

In addition to this, the movie features a number of fart and poo jokes that is much too high for the discerning viewer.

Thank you for reading and I am very sorry about your legs. I hope this was worth it.

1969 is widely known as the “Year of Sin” because it is the year Nixon became president.

2 Information alert: Santa is an anagram of Satan.

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LIFE FASHION/TRAVEL

RETURN OF THE HOMEWORK:

HOW TO GET THROUGH THE WEEKS BETWEEN BREAKS ANGELICA CHAN Fashion Writer

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hanksgiving is a time for food, family, and forgetting about everything relating to school. It’s easy to lose the motivation to look nice for the couple weeks left in the quarter, especially when you’re struggling to muster the energy to even get out of bed. Plus, it’s getting colder now, so it’s easy to revert to the comfiest pieces available—sweatpants.

Stay away from sweats and pajamas when you’re going to class. You may have stayed up all night squeezing in some extra study time, but that doesn’t mean you have to look like you just rolled out of bed—even if you did! Sweats and pajamas might be

cozy, but leggings or jeans look so much more polished. Wearing “real” clothes to class also has the added bonus of allowing you to feel awake and concentrate on making a good grade, instead of making you feel like crawling back into bed and ignoring all the upcoming tests and papers.

I’m here to tell you that you can be both comfortable and cute! Here’s some outfit inspiration for these in-betweenvacation weeks.

1. The Vest for the Best. Until recently, I treated vests like socks and sandals. Why wear vests when there are cardigans? Who stole the sleeves off this jacket? WHY?!

Reasons to wear a vest: A) Comfort. ‘Nuff said.

B) Mobility. You can still use your arms and not feel like a robot. Vests are basically jackets that can be worn indoors.

C) Fashion. Vests are now officially “in” thanks to the horde of bloggers who have resurrected these dead beings back to life.

I love pairing vests with striped or flannel shirts. Faux-fur vests are all the rage right now, but to be honest, my life isn’t glamorous enough to wear a totally fur vest. Maybe someday, when I become a mighty and powerful warrior, I can wear a fuzzy fur vest.

But for now, I’m happy with some faux-fur on the collar.

2. Go with the Flow. Try a tunic (okay, it’s technically a super-short dress) with simple

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black leggings. Wear a cozy knit cardigan loosely around your shoulders for some added warmth, then slip on taupe suede booties and a layered necklace that will complement the v-neck in the tunic. This outfit is super comfortable, and the loose waist-line especially forgiving if you ate a little too well over Thanksgiving break and now have a food baby.

3. Jeggings. When you’re feeling the sweatpants vibe, a good alternative is jeggings, the magical cross between jeans and leggings. This item is the epitome of casual attire with an emphasis on comfort.

Stretchy jeggings, an oversized flannel shirt, a cozy cardigan, and versatile boots are an easy go-to look.

WHEN YOU LOVE TRAVELING BUT HATE FLYING DARLING SU Culture Writer

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here is something about airport travel that makes you lose complete faith in humanity and wonder why you even left your couch and your fridge and are now walking around barefoot in a giant X-ray machine to then be locked up in a weird looking capsule but then, twelve hours later, you finally arrive at the final destination and can sleep for the next two days or so.

Here are a couple of misfortunes I have encountered during my travels that made me not so fond of airports and planes.

1. Toilets. I was eight years old the first time I traveled in an airplane, and ended up

getting stuck in the tiny restroom for a while because I could not figure out how to open the door, so a flight attendant had to unlock the door from the outside. Since then I have always disliked the idea of going to the toilet during a flight. Never underestimate the complexity of these doors.

2. Security checks. A few years ago, I was going to Turkey to visit my best friend.

After passing the X-ray doors, security stopped me and asked me to go through a second security check. Apparently, the metal detectors showed I had METAL INSIDE MY BRAIN. 3. Passport control. When you travel to a place where you don’t need a visa, you can usually stay for 90 days. I assumed this

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meant three months because, well there are 30 days in a month so of course I could stay for three months. What I forgot to realize is that two out of the three months actually had 31 days. This meant I had stayed in the country illegally for two days, which allows the officer to give me a red stamp. A red stamp means you cannot enter the country for five years.

4. Passport control 2.0. It was spring break, and I was so excited to meet up with my friends from Holland in Colombia I forgot to ask them where we were staying.

All I knew was that they would pick me up at the airport of Bogota at 7 p.m., so when the officer asked me where I was staying, I simply told him my friends from Amsterdam were going to pick me up, so I

didn’t know. A 20-year-old female traveling alone from the United States to meet up with two guys from Holland in Bogota. As soon as I said those words I realized that was probably not the smartest thing I could have said to a Colombian officer.

5. Airplanes. This one is a bit interesting. It was my first time flying to Brazil after being away for five years. After being in the air for only two hours, the pilot decided to fly back to Holland because birds flew into the engine of the airplane. This can be dangerous because once birds get stuck in the engine, it stops working, so the airplane was flying on one engine. Looking back, I’m thankful to be alive, but at the time I was surely more frustrated about seeing my grandparents two days later than planned.

IS BLOCK

CARTOON/SENATE LIFE

HER0 ZER0 EMMANUEL PERRY Cartoonist

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SENATE

j

...

,

Hmm, a thesis on quantum physics isn’t quite my cup of tea...

Professor?

F.L. 2 - Hill-Rom P1900 Hospital Bed was vetoed and returned to the table.

The administration agreed to cover the cost of this project, and the bill was dropped from senate.

G.L. 2 - ASWWU Membership Definition passed. Graduate students are now given the explicit right to pay ASWWU dues in order to become a member of the ASWWU, and are not considered members until they do so.

There was no new business on the table this week, but the senators assured the senate that they are working on their own projects.

If you are curious about what your senator is working on or if you would like them to pursue a project on your behalf, please contact them at their WWU email.

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LIFE FOOD/COLLEGIAN WISDOM/INSTAGRAM

GIFTS FOR THE FOOD LOVER IN YOUR FAMILY Mason Neil Food Writer

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f you haven’t already done your Christmas shopping, I would hope you have some idea of what you’re going to buy for the special and mandatory people in your life.

Figuring out what will suit their fancies or fulfill your annual gift quota can be a difficult process, so here’s a short list of gift ideas for the foodie in your life.

COLLEGIAN WISDOM

3. “The French Chef in America” by Alex Prud’Homme “Life itself is the proper binge,” she said, and this book is properly binge-worthy. In a bit of a follow-up act to “My Life in France,” Alex Prud’Homme takes fans of Julia Child back to their favorite kitchen for a final course in what made her the magician we remember her to be. With large print and thick margins it reads quickly and gives you a false sense of accomplishment. Huzzah!

1

1. The Sushi Bazooka This is perhaps the least practical kitchen item I have. It’s good advice to never have a one-use specialty item in your kitchen paraphenalia, but I think this is an exception worth making when buying for that one uncle who seems way too emotionally involved with his food. The sushi bazooka makes making perfectly round sushi rolls a snap—simply fill the tube, shut it, then pop that roll out. Say hello to my little friend!

2. “Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook” Hands-down the funniest vegan cookbook around. If you get bogged down by cooks who take themselves much too seriously (Gwyneth Paltrow, we’re looking at you), this little volume is bound to be a delight.

Filled with tasteful lingo and creative captions, “Thug Kitchen” makes vegan cooking sound mildly entertaining—an accomplishment in itself. Probably not the ideal gift for your mother.

Jill Stein Raised More Money for Her Recount Effort Than She Did During the Election

Stein has officially raised enough money to become an SM.

Florida Debt Counselor Owes $100M, Files Bankruptcy

2

Kensington Police Threaten to Subject Drunk Drivers to Nickelback

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4. A Dog By far the best kitchen accessory available on the market today. Turn the painful experience of throwing away food into a happy occasion by investing in a dog for the food lover in your house. Waste becomes a decadent meal in the blink of an eye, and soon you’ll have a whole pack of loyal fans.

Bigger breeds are better.

Update: Florida debt counselor owes $0M, is very good at getting rid of debt.

1 Amazon https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/

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images/I/71HuxIOBzXL._SL1398_.jpg 2 Amazon https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/ images/I/81FYi3yVMkL.jpg 3 Amazon https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/ images/I/41io7gf-78L.jpg 4 Me (Mason Neil)

#THECOLLEGIAN

How did our eyes get so red?

Rain Triggers 570% Surge in Los Angeles County Freeway Crashes

The only things not triggered were the brakes.

Man Charged With Setting Fire to His Workplace After He Saw a Spider.

Worth it.

Vatican Creates New Confession Finder App, “Sindr” Swipe left for Hell.

@wwuaviation

@carrietheus

@coleziegele

@arvargasphoto

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SCIENCE LIFE

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CRISPR: GENETIC ENGINEERING MADE EASY OR DANGEROUS? jordan brooks Science Writer Background The human ability to alter the DNA of cells from a wide variety of organisms (humans, plants, animals, etc.) is useful in the study of genes, proteins, and molecular function. Perhaps the most apparent benefit is the possibility of curing genetic diseases. Historically, the process of genetic engineering has been challenging, as it involves procedures that are expensive and often not very effective. In recent years, the development of the CRISPR/Cas9 system has led to cheap, easy, and effective genetic modification of a wide variety of organisms.

CRISPR stands for Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short Palindromic Repeats, and are sections of DNA within bacteria that work with the Cas9 protein to function as a primitive, unicellular immune system. Naturally, CRISPR/Cas9 work together to enable the cell to recognize viral DNA and destroy it. Biologists have since modified this system to be able to be expressed in a wide variety of animal and plant cells, enabling humans the choice of what DNA to remove and replace. CRISPR/ Cas9 technologies have led to an explosion of research in genomic engineering. In 2014, approximately 600 publications mentioned CRISPR,1 and MIT ranked it has one of the top 10 technologies developed from 2014 to 2016.2 With this new costeffective approach, the floodgates to genetic engineering have been opened, but is this a good thing?

Perspective The CRISPR/Cas9 system is new medicine for old illness. Cancer, sickle-cell anemia, cystic fibrosis, Huntington’s disease, and many more have potential to be cured through the progression of this research. The discovery of a cure or effective treatment for even one of these ailments would represent a monumental step forward in medicine. On the surface, implicating the CRISPR/Cas9 system appears to be great, but when digging

a little deeper, some ramifications of being able to conduct genetic modifications with such ease are fundamentally unsettling.

“

“Cancer, sickle-cell anemia, cystic fibrosis, Huntington’s disease, and many more have potential to be cured through the progression of this research.”

Firstly, the system and its mechanism of action are not fully understood. When running an experiment with CRISPR/Cas9 in in vitro human cells, Dr. Puping Liang noted that their results were inconsistent and the genetic modification did not work as they expected.

Liang notes, “Taken together, our work highlights the pressing need to further improve the fidelity and specificity of the CRISPR/ Cas9 platform, a prerequisite for any clinical applications of CRISPR/Cas9-mediated editing.”3 Secondly, modifications can be made to egg, sperm, and embryonic cells. If these modifications were to occur, they would be passed down through the generations.

In concert with the fact that we don’t fully understand the system and there is currently an unregulated flow of CRISPR research, a fear that permanent damage could be done seems more than justified. In an open letter in Science, David Pollack from Columbia University reminds us that genetic engineering is a form of rational eugenics and should be treated with the appropriate respect and fear that it deserves.

Pollack states, “I do not think anything short of a complete and total ban on human germline modification will do, to prevent this powerful force for rational medicine—one patient at a time—from becoming the beginning of the end of the simplest notion of each of us being ‘endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights.’”4

Recent Developments The scientific community at large and the leaders in this field of research are well aware of the voiced concerns. In 2015, leaders convened at a conference in Napa Valley to discuss the issues and develop a path forward.5 While they did publish immediate steps to be taken, their discussion and published plan were immediately ridiculed as too modest. More importantly, in the current interconnected and global community, who is to say what governing bodies will regulate a set of suggested steps?

In the midst of the confusion and lack of regulation, a major step in the wrong direction was taken. On Oct. 28, the geneediting system CRISPR/Cas9 was injected into a human at the West China Hospital in Chengdu, China.6 In this clinical trial, oncologist Lu You removed immune cells from a participant and genetically modified them using the CRISPR/Cas9 system. They edited the cells to disable a gene that turns off the cell’s immune response—a gene that can be exploited by cancer.

“

“...genetic engineering is a form of rational eugenics and should be treated with the appropriate respect and fear that it deserves.”

While this makes great clinical sense and is not necessarily modifying germline cells (sperm, eggs, embryonic), the publication is prodding the proverbial fire.

Carl June, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, stated “I think this is going to trigger ‘Sputnik 2.0,’ a biomedical duel on progress between China and the United States, which is important since competition usually improves the end product.”7 While

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June does not seem to share the view that CRISPR/Cas9 research has the high potential to be dangerous, his statement echoes the greatest cause for concern. A genetic-engineering race involving the use of a not well understood system has the potential of be permanently harmful.

Future Concerns In addition to the myriad of current ethical questions to be answered surrounding CRISPR research, there are clearly visible ethical dilemmas that come with the ability to effectively modify genetics. If in 10 or 20 years CRISPR technology has developed into a safely implementable technique that can cure disease, what will society look like?

Imagine you are consulting with a doctor about your future child, who will one day develop Huntington’s disease, and the physician says: “For X number of dollars I can perform a procedure to replace your child’s Huntington’s genes with a normal functioning set.” Who would say no to that?

However, on the other side of the same coin, how would CRISPR be regulated in regards to cosmetic genetic alterations? Radiolab approaches this hypothetical situation in the podcast Antibodies Part 1: CRISPR, in which Jad Abumrad explains his fear that we have already answered these future ethical dilemmas by merely creating the technology, because who is going to say no to providing a better life for their child?8

1 Ledford H ( June 2015). “CRISPR, the disruptor”.

Nature. 522 (7554): 20–4. Bibcode:2015Natur.522...20L. doi:10.1038/522020a. PMID 26040877.

2 Larson C, Schaffer A (2014). “Genome Editing: 10 Breakthrough Technologies 2014”. Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Retrieved 18 March 2016 3 http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13238-0150153-5%20/fulltext.html 4 http://science.sciencemag.org/content/348/6237/871.1 5 http://science.sciencemag.org/content/348/6230/36 6 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/crisprgene-editing-tested-in-a-person-for-the-first-time/?WT. mc_id=SA_FB_HLTH_NEWS 7 https://www.nature.com/news/crispr-gene-editingtestedin-a-person-for-the-first-time-1.20988 8 https://www.wnyc.org/radio/#/ondemand/510201

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KANYE WEST CONTEXT

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A SURVIVAL GUIDE TO YOUR FAMILY’S INTERROGATION lauren wahlen Backpage Writer

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n terms of extracting information, my family puts the FBI to shame. They know how to perform interrogations like none other. And while outsiders may think my relatives are “just curious,” I know better.

Okay so maybe I’m being a little dramatic,1 but still. Answering all my family’s questions gets real old-real fast. I usually end up giving sarcastic, semi-witty answers that tend to not go over too well. So in order to survive this holiday season, I’m going to try a new approach: the smile, lie,2 and deflect.3 I’ll share with you some possible responses below to help you get the attention off of yourself and your hot mess of a life as quickly as possible, just in case I’m not the only one who’s bombarded with super difficult questions.

“How’s college going?” I hate this question. My brain tells me they’re asking because they care, but it low-key feels like they want to remind me that I’m still the least put together member of the fam.

What you want to say: Great question Uncle Steve, let’s see.. I’m broke, I found out the freshman 15 is real, I don’t know if I chose

the right major, I’m always tired, and I’m still waiting to see if I passed Research Writing. But I’d still rather be there than here answering your questions.

What you should say: It’s going well, thanks for asking. How’s work at the hospital?

“Do you have a special someone yet?” If I got a dollar for every time my relatives asked me this, I’d probs be able to afford a plane ticket to a place where intrusive questions are illegal (if this magical land actually exists and you know where it is, plz let me know before Dec. 21).

What you want to say: Oh, right! I actually have met the love of my life, but I somehow forgot about it till right now. Thanks for reminding me, Aunt Carol.

What you should say: Yes I have, and his name is the Lord Jesus Christ. This apple cider is so good, Aunt Carol! Where did you learn to make it?

“When can we finally meet this boyfriend of yours?” I love my family, I really do; we’re friendly, loud, and there’s a lot of us. But we’re definitely known for putting significant others on the spot. One time, my cousin brought home his fiancee, and when she said that her mom was her role-model, one of my uncles shouted jokingly, “Not Ellen White?!” It was really funny, but then again, I wasn’t the fiancee.

What you want to say: When you stop asking me questions, Mom. What you should say: I really want you to meet him, and he wishes he could be here and get to know you all. Hopefully he won’t have to work next Christmas break!4 Why isn’t Cousin Carl here this year?

from France.”

What you want to say: I. Don’t. Know. And I. Don’t. Care. Why don’t you just ask me about my cat, or someone that I actually know?

What you should say: Oh yeah! They’re doing great, thanks for asking. How’s Lynn from Scrabble Night?

When are you two lovebirds gonna get married? The pressure doesn’t quit once you’re in a relationship. In fact, it becomes even more stressful as you try to dodge the wedding bells while still assuring everyone that you guys are happy. You might think you’re much too young, but how can you make your grandpa understand that when he got married at 21?

What you want to say: Well it was going to be in a year, but thanks to that question we’ll make you wait another 10 years or so. Hope you’re still alive then.

What you should say: We’re praying about it. God’s timing is not our own. He’ll let us know when, so in the meantime we’re waiting patiently.

What are your plans after graduation?

This question is more painful than all the previously mentioned ones combined because I have no clue. 1) I’m very indecisive, 2) I hate planning ahead, and 3) I don’t like thinking about scary things-like my future. And the worst part is, it makes me a hypocrite because I ask everyone else this exact same question. I can’t help it. And then inevitably they ask me. It’s the circle of strife.

What you want to say: I think I’ll run away to Chile and become the trophy wife of a drug lord.

What you should say: I have so many different job offers already that the hard part will be deciding which one to accept! What are your plans after retirement, Aunt Sharon?

How’s [very random person] doing?

Whether she’s the daughter of your dad’s old buddy from college or a lab partner you mentioned one time, chances are, you haven’t talked to or even seen this person all quarter. My grandma might not remember where I work, but, God knows why, she still asks me about “that guy

Thanks, sleep deprivation.

If you don’t like the idea of lying, just think of it as acting.

I’ve found that the easiest way to get someone off of your back is to put them on someone else’s.

4 Maybe he’s actually on a cruise, but they don’t know that.

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CONFESSIONS

VERBATIM

“I’m considering getting my professor a lump of coal for Christmas.”

Sincerely, I’ll wait to see my final grade.

“Let's start three before letter O, O as in Oh No, We Messed Up.” - Professor Beck

“I’ve been sleeping in my sleeping bag for the past month because I was too lazy to remake my bed after I washed my sheets.”

Sincerely, My mom would be so ashamed.

“Was Was: ISIS’s new name, once they are destroyed.”

- Professor Jean-Paul

“I pretend to tie my shoe when I see someone I know walking my direction on my way to class.”

Sincerely, Eye contact is hard.

“If you mess up your application, well, I might mess up on your grade.”

- Professor Bergherm “Think about how a monkey might smoke a cigarette; it could really help you.”

- Professor David Crawford

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