Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y
Collegian =The
Volume 102 | Issue 02
Indigenous Peoples’ Day pg. 7
“Adventist schooling has blessed me immensely. I have found a Christ-centered environment, applicable classes, lifelong friendships and endless haystacks”
October 5, 2017
—Adam Hagele, ASWWU President
R e l i g i o n | W i s d o m | W e e k o f W o r s h i p | C u l t u r e | E v e n t s | F o o d | O u t d o o r s | T i t l e I X | F e a t u r e | S c i e n c e | M e d i a / Te c h | H i s t r o r y | O p i n i o n | S u r v e y
Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university
| October 2017 Issue 1
The Old Stomp and Swerve By: Meghann Heinrich To my old friends, hello again! To the year’s worth of new people on campus since I’ve been around, new phone who ‘dis? I’m just kidding. I’m sure you’re a fine lot. Getting right down to business… let’s talk about summer. I’m a big fan. Like many, I had a great job at summer camp, but there is that time after summer jobs end and before classes start where, if one doesn’t take precautions, one might begin to morph into an idle lump of inactivity. At first it is glorious—no one on earth expects anything from you! However, within a matter of days you’re driven to extremes, like starting to work out (don’t worry, it didn’t take) or marathoning karaoke sessions in full costume (we’ve all been there, am I right?). These are excellent indicators that it’s time to use that lifeline, phone a friend and spend a few hours not sneaking up on your dog with a scary old man mask on your face. I was in the throes of boredom when my dear cousins (undoubted-
Shower Thoughts “When squirrels bury nuts, are they investing in their children’s future?”
ly sensing my alarming spiral into vegetable art) invited me on a 3-day, 2-night backpacking adventure. I tore myself away from the early planning stages of what promised to be a dang cool celery cabin to grab my mom’s retro Kelty backpack and a roll of toilet paper, 2 things I knew the value of, and hit the road. I won’t give you a play-by-play of the trip. Suffice it to say, it was a hoot, but the real fun started on the drive home. I’ll start with three declarations: 1. Highway 80 is the worst 2. I am a proficient, nay, excellent driver. 3. I’m not above admitting that when camping, I consider it my sacred duty to stay up all night listening for bears because it seems like no one else can be bothered to do so.1 Highway 80 isn’t inherently evil, but when you add aggressive California drivers, a 70 mph speed limit that literally no one obeys and more semis than you can shake a stick at, that right there is my nightmare. Also, I was operating with little-to-no sleep (see declaration number 3). Now I knew that my
front left tire had a slow leak, and that information hopped around in my exceptionally active imagination until I arrived at the conclusion that one wrong move and all four tires were going to explode. I also had a real and unfounded conviction that the road was too steep and that my brakes were just one tap away from throwing the towel in. About 2.5 hours into my 4-hour drive home the car commenced shimmying and shaking, and I thought it was the end. I exited and did a hasty walk around, kicking tires and such until I felt reasonably confident that the aforementioned shimmying was due to uneven pavement, not the angry gnome living in the car and drumming up trouble like he does. I got back in, turned up my Barbra Streisand CD and vowed to block out the haters. Just as I was merging back onto the freeway, I found myself in what was very nearly a semi sandwich—this didn’t help my already shady rep with the truck drivers. A few high-speed evasive maneuvers later I found myself surrounded by semis and with a single
tear sliding down my face. At this point, I had to give myself a little tough love: “Alright Heinrich, I’m just gonna say this once: TIGHTEN UP! Also, you are a strong, independent young woman, and the world is your oyster.” It kind of did the trick, that is to say I didn’t die. Just as things were settling down, and I thought I might make it, a movement on the dash caught my eye. To my extreme horror, it was a huge hairy spider casually making its way over to the driver’s side. I did my best to focus, but let me tell you, when homeboy fell down by my feet it was game over. Michael Flatley would’ve envied the riverdance moves I cooked up in the next 20 minutes. There I was, flying down Highway 80 stomping up a storm and to add insult to injury I had to oui oui (as the French say) with no rest stops in sight. I finally got off the highway in a small town and inexplicably got stuck in a right-turn-only lane until I was in a historic downtown street filled with fancy pubs. I didn’t care. I screeched to a stop in front of one
such establishment, and much to the surprise of the patrons sitting outside, I flailed/fell out of my car and bolted straight to the back of the pub, desperately looking for a restroom and taking no prisoners. When I returned, I put in a rigorous search for Mr. Spider, but I never found him. He is probably still in there living his best life. I did make it home and 4 days later made it here to WWU, where I am currently reliving the most stressful driving experience I’ve had to date. I will leave you with this: as your quarter picks up momentum, and the proverbial spider falls on you while you’re already going 70 mph, don’t slow down, just give it the old stomp and swerve.
1 When I was young my family took a trip to Yosemite. I remember seeing a terrifying bear safety PSA video wherein a bear busted into a car to get toothpaste. From that day on, I’ve been on bear watch because I know those cheeky bears can smell my minty fresh breath.w
Verbatim “Cruelty has its place (pause). That should be embroidered on a pillow.” --Professor Tim Tiffin “What if I was a cross between Beyoncé and Dr. Golden?” --Professor Timothy Golden
“Once we’re done curing all the cancer in mice, then we can work on humans. “ -Professor Kirt Onthank “Am I a banana?” --Professor Pablo Wenseslao
Email your faculty verbatim or shower thoughts to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!
KYRA GREYEYES (OCT. 5, 2017)