Issue 10 by The Collegian

Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y

Collegian The

Volume 102 | Issue 10

10 New Year’s Resolutions pg. 5

“Walla Walla is in the middle of no-d**n-where.” - Father Gregory Boyle

January 11, 2018

Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university

| January 2018 Issue 10

Momma Always Said, Take the Vouchers By Meghann Heinrich We all know the old adage about holiday travel. Here, you can say it with me: “Ye that opteth out of overbooked flights during the great holiday travel surge shall be rewarded monetarily as is right and proper and shall forevermore be smiled upon by the TSA.” That’s weird, it almost seemed as if we didn’t all know the old adage. That’s on you; I know my adages. It just so happens that I lived this age-old saying to the letter on my journey homeward for Christmas break. Go with me on a trip down memory lane, back through the mists of time. I remember it like it was a few weeks ago: finals were done and the proverbial sun was shining (not the regular one; don’t be preposterous). With bags packed and plane tickets in hand, my trusty travel partner/sister and I sallied forth to Pasco. I like the Pasco airport; it’s like a miniature big airport. You know, like it has all the things a big

Hey Thanks! “Thank you first day of any Physical Education course for giving students an existential crisis from trying to decide whether to show up in workout clothes or regular clothes.” “Thank you Christmas break for giving me those 5 extra pounds and a New Year’s resolution.” “Thank you Costco for the free samples.”

airport has, but it’s little. I remember standing in line to go through security and thinking how, in a few short hours, I would be home with my sassy cat Mort and all would be right with the world, and then Mort would fart, and my dad would start sneezing and say something like “Who let the cat in?! I’m allergic, throw him out!” and then I would throw him out the back door, but he would know I love him, because we have a special bond, Mort and I. Well, I went through line and, just like magic, my backpack was pulled for inspection. In it was what the TSA lady had suspected all along: goodies. That is to say, my great-aunt had sent us with a huge tupperware full of home-baked cookies. The security lady smiled and cracked a joke about keeping them for evidence, but I didn’t laugh, because honestly she wasn’t that funny. After repatriating our belongings, we headed to our gate with plenty of time to sit in silence before our flight.

As the gate agent prepared for boarding it became apparent that our flight was overbooked. She kept making announcements about limited overhead space; asking passengers to gate-check carry-ons and small children to save space–the usual stuff. She made a number of pleas for volunteers to stay behind, but no one was biting. Then the waiting game began. “The plane cannot be boarded until we have volunteers to stay behind,” she said. Nothing. No one moved. “I can offer a $200 travel voucher and rebook you to your final destination first-class.” Heads down, no eye contact. “I’m up to $400 vouchers and first-class tickets to your final destination.” Nervous shuffling from the crowd, everyone waiting for someone to make a move. “$800 vouchers and first class tickets home.” We sprang. Well, we sauntered. Okay fine, we power walked to the desk to throw our hats in. I turned on the charm; I’ve always had a natural

rapport with gate agents, and explained that we would be happy to stay behind if that meant the rest could go on. She took our names and told us to wait while she got the boarding process rolling. We stood there like two altruistic flamingos wearing backpacks as the boarding process began. I humbly curtsied to those passing us to show I truly cared that they make it to their final destination, also because I knew it wouldn’t be weird since I was wearing a dress (curtsies are only weird when you’re not in a dress). In that moment I was no longer a customer–I was a partner to the airline, an ambassador of sorts. Together we could get any plane off the ground. The passengers passed us, seemingly unaware of the holiday miracle they had just witnessed.

for the first time in my life; 10/10 would recommend), and first-class tickets home the next day.

I called for a standing ovation. One kind soul obliged. Bada bing, bada boom my sister and I landed $1,100 apiece in travel vouchers, a hotel in Pasco (where I ordered delivery food

And that, my friends, is the story of how a first-class miracle occurred at the Pasco airport.

We went back to the airport casually flaunting our first-class tickets. We stood in line for the TSA check, my bag got pulled for inspection again and the security lady made the same joke about the cookies. Still not funny, Karen. But not even Karen could put a damper on our first-class adventure. We sat in the very front with the solemn businessmen, basically flying the plane. I took lots of pictures, watched all the movies, partook of the Wi-Fi, reclined my chair as far as it would go (repeatedly) and snagged a couple of those snazzy blankets as a souvenir. You could say we were on top of the world, and you’d be right.

Verbatim “You can never trust little old ladies.” - Professor Bruce Toews “If I were a lion, I might eat you.” - Professor Timothy Golden “Leave me, I’m going to sit here and weep manly tears.” - Professor Terry Gottschall at the end class after briefly talking about current world politics. “We’ll be your sugar daddy.” - Professor Kyle Craig talking about polar bonds. “One of the benefits of modern science, pickle your organs.” - Professor Curt Nelson.

Email your faculty verbatim or shower thoughts to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!