Issue 15 final

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Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y

Collegian The

Volume 102 | Issue 15

Chad, Africa pg. 7

“So bees are plants’ wingmen. Literally.” - Jocelyn Griffin

February 15, 2018

To y H a c k | C o l l e g i a n W i s d o m | S e n a t e | J o b s | H i s t o r y | S c i e n c e | M e d i a + Te c h | R e l i g i o n | Fe a t u r e | We e k i n Fo r e c a s t | Fo o d | C u l t u r e | O u t d o o r s | O p i n i o n | P o l l

Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university

| February 2018 Issue 15

The Slow Wink By Meghann Heinrich Hello, my dear readers, it is so nice of you to join me! Today, I would like to take you all on a journey—that is to say, I’d like to extend an invitation to each and every person taking the time to read my humble backpage musings to join me as I share the philosophical (and often irrational) reflections of a perpetually-distracted author. This week, we celebrate Valentine’s Day. I have yet to be in a position where this fact would hold any real significance for (other than my mother regularly sending me some sort of light-up heart-themed jewelry, which I always look forward to). So, as you may have deduced, I have no intention of harping on the holiday of love and chocolate because I have no strong feelings about

Hey Thanks! “Thank you computer lab keyboards for keeping us all connected… through the germs on our hands.” “Thank you high school visitors for reminding us how grateful we are for reasonable lines in the Caf.” “Thank you unknown group of people running around campus on Friday for doing an unintentional and yet spot-on reenactment of Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute, and Andy Bernard’s hardcore parkour.”

it.1 Instead, let’s talk about a quirk that often gets me in trouble. Sometimes I tweet, and sometimes I don’t (disclaimer: this is not said quirk). Sometimes when I tweet, people respond, but this is definitely the exception rather than the rule. Well, something bizarre happened last week when I sent my apparently-exceptional thoughts out into the Twittersphere. The people spoke, and I went from my steady stream of two likes (my father2, and occasionally a wildcard follower) to a landmark 19 likes! So, naturally, being the social media aficionado that I am, I took note. The tweet read as following: “So I’m thinking I’ll start winking at the boys. Idk, just trying it out. I’ll keep ya posted.” That, my friends, is why today’s topic is winking:

you spoke, and I listened. Don’t let the tweet mislead you; I’ve been winking at people for quite some time now. However, it is only just recently that I have started throwing winks on purpose. Yes, I suffer from the involuntary slow wink. What’s that? You don’t know about the infamous slow wink? Actually, that really doesn’t surprise me since it is something of an anomaly. It is an involuntary glitch in my wiring that causes one eyelid to slowly close and reopen while I maintain unwavering eye contact. This phenomenon occurs most regularly when I am engaged in a heated debate, when reaching for my next thought, or when I am desperately trying to make a stellar first impression. This infamous wink just jumps

Verbatim

out when the time is right (or wrong). I only remember the defect if someone mentions it or starts to look a little freaked out while I am talking to them. However, the latter of the previous qualifications is by no means foolproof; most folks get that deer-in-the-headlights expression when accosted with the sheer volume, speed, pitch and quantity of words coming out of my mouth. When I see their alarmed expression it is hard to tell if they are just trying to follow my train of thought or if my eyelid went rogue again. I guess it would be somewhat jarring to be in conversation with someone who is making intense eye contact with you, and then without warning one of her eyelids slowly closes completely independently of the other

while the individual soldiers on with her train of thought, unphased. I see how that could be uncomfortable. So my point is, winks are good, but slow winks are bad. I suggest you take a good long moment to read your audience before employing any kind of winking. 1 Exception: One time on the 14th of February I accompanied some friends to the Cheesecake Factory in Seattle to purchase takeout cheesecake, which caused me to have strong positive feelings toward Valentine’s day. I’ve since concluded that those feelings were isolated to the peanut butter cheesecake and not the holiday itself. 2 Who for reasons still unknown recently created a Twitter account.

February?

“Please take your feet off.” - Professor Brandon Beck “I would destroy you with a multiple choice exam.” - Professor Gregory Dodds, going over the midterm review sheet for History of Christianity “Bad joke, dad joke. That’s right, it became ap-parent.” - Professor Kyle Craig “It’s not used, after that it just becomes a dangling appendage.” - Professor Tim Tiffin

Make up your mind!

“The mean of the means is the mean!” - Professor Jim Nestler “Who was that Mexican… painter?” - Professor Brent Bergherm

Email your faculty verbatim or thank yous to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!

© 2018 KYRA GREYEYES


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