Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y
Collegian The
Volume 102 | Issue 16
Middle Eastern Food pg. 6
“My goal in life is to make ME laugh.” - Daniella Silva, Editor-in-Chief of The Collegian
February 22, 2018
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Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university
| February 2018 Issue 16
Doctor’s Orders By Meghann Heinrich Iatrophobia: an abnormal or irratiIatrophobia: an abnormal or irrational fear of doctors or going to the doctor. We’ve all experienced it, am I right? If I had a nickel for every time I abandoned all good sense in a doctor’s office, why, I’d be a rich young lady, and that is a fact. My fear started when I was a child and was immunized against my will. My medical history is like many of yours, I am sure—annual checkups and physicals to meet school requirements, usually some form of flu shot and the occasional chicken pox vaccine for good measure. For most people, the irrational fear of going to the doctor wears off. I am told that most folks move past the catatonic stage by age 12 or 13, and, shockingly, by the time they enter college, most people aren’t blubbering
Hey Thanks! “Thank you Snow Frolic for leading professors to believe that I was planning on that extra day off as a study day. Jokes.” “Thank you Incredibles 2 for being the second happiest thing happening in June.”
and swatting the needles away from nurses. I’ll believe it when I see it. I’ve found the fear never leaves— it just presents itself in new and strange ways. For me, that fear acts as an anti-translator. Essentially, my doctor’s-office-induced-anti-translator takes any information given to me from any medical professional and jumbles it into nonsensical, yet oddly compelling, directions to do the bizarre. Case in point: I was definitely on the cusp of being too old to go to the pediatrician’s office, definitely toward the end of high school—maybe even right before my freshman year at college. I had just determined that if I absolutely had to make an appearance in a medical office, it had sure as heck better have a fire truck exam table and free Otter Pops (after the copay). I remem-
ber my mother and sister had accompanied me, perhaps for moral support, but more likely to see the show. The check-up went fairly well by my standards. I had fanagled my way out of any shots and only walked into one wrong room on my way back from the restroom. We were in the exam room, and I was sort of giving the signal that I was ready to wrap up and go get my Otter Pop when my mother, being the tattletale she is, mentioned that my back had been hurting. The doctor asked when it hurt. I said, “Only when I walk and sit—would you mind pointing me in the direction of the Otter Pops?” He told me to sit back down and started asking me a lot of questions I wasn’t interested in answering. My heart sank—I knew we had just added another 20 minutes (at least) to our
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in my iatrophobic state, I knew that would be weird. It was beyond weird. My mom started apologizing for me, my sister ordered me to get up and fix my shirt and the doctor just stood there in shock. There was an excruciatingly painful moment of silence before he burst into laughter drawing an audience of confused nurses and patients alike. I am now something of a legend at Marshall Pediatrics. I never went back. Sometimes you just have to say, “You’re welcome, world!” and switch to an adult primary care provider.
French Fries Did you know French fries weren’t made in France?
“I’ll stop saying stupid things if you keep putting me in The Collegian.” - Professor Kyle Craig “She can have it in her mouth and still not know what to do.” - Professor Joseph Brannaka, discussing feeding his newborn daughter “Sexual harrassment, hydrology, the same words apply.” - Professor Melodie Selby Student: Where’s the best place to buy Mountain Dew?
“Thank you Snuggies for convincing me I needed to invest in a backwards bathrobe, never been happier.”
visit. The doctor looked at me and said, “Okay, well let’s have a look,” and then everything went to pot. He turned back to my mother to ask a few more questions while my anti-translator sprung to life. Somehow when that man said, “Okay, well let’s have a look,” what I heard was: “Get up off the exam table, take off your shirt and lay down on the floor.” I had an out-of-body experience as I watched myself, to my horror and that of my mother and sister, carry out the hopelessly convoluted instructions. I remember watching my mother’s eyes widen in dismay and my sister cover her face. The doctor turned around in slow motion, and I could hear a choir singing “O Fortuna” as I realized I had made a horrible mistake. There I was, laying face down on the linoleum floor, half-heartedly trying to wiggle out of my shirt because even
They were fried in Greece!
Professor Curtis Nelson: Straight from the cow. “Wow you’re good at being gay.” - Dean Scott Rae
Email your faculty verbatim or thank yous to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!
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