Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y
Collegian The
Volume 102 | Issue 25
Did This Thing Matter? pg. 3
“I confuse the heck out of people, that’s what I’m here for.” - Kyra GreyEyes, Creative Director for The Collegian
May 17, 2018
E d i t o r ’s N o t e | C o l l e g i a n W i s d o m | S e n a t e | H i s t o r y | R e l i g i o n | M e d i a + Te c h | S c i e n c e | F e a t u r e | W e e k i n F o r e c a s t | F o o d | C u l t u r e | O u t d o o r s | S u b m i s s i o n s | P o l l
CONVERSATION OR CHARADE: NAD EXECUTIVES VISIT WALLA WALLA UNIVERSITY
Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university
| May 2018 Issue 25
Reality TV By Meghann Heinrich The earliest exposure I had to reality TV was watching a weekly PBS special called “Frontier House” with my family. We would tune in every Saturday night to see three real families transform themselves into 19th-century pioneers. They lived off the land, had to milk cows and wear bonnets and, as with all good reality TV, had their drama. Even as a child, I knew that PBS had done something right. Watching fellow humans put themselves in situations fraught with conflict is the bread and butter of quality reality TV, and I was hooked. From “Frontier House” I moved on to watch masterpieces like “Project Runway,” “Deadliest Catch,” “Pawn Stars,” “The Dog Whisperer” and “The Voice.”
Hey Thanks! “Hey thanks Mother’s Day for making my Amazon Prime account totally worth it.” “Hey thanks cheap bike locks for basically being the security equivalent of SPF 15 sunscreen.” “Hey thanks SPF 15 sunscreen for lulling me into a false sense of security.”
It wasn’t long before I became something of a reality TV connoisseur. A certain phenomenon occurs when watching reality TV. I’ve seen it time after time: the watcher inexplicably transforms into an expert on whatever subject the show covers. Just ask me, I can tell you as well as Tim Gunn how to “make it work,” or give you the rundown on crab fishing in Alaska. All this to say that I realize I have a gift and would be doing myself and the world a disservice if I continued to hide it under a bushel. With my breadth of knowledge, I see potential for reality TV everywhere I look. So today I give you my pitches for reality TV shows: • USPS: The Untold Story — Neither snow nor rain nor vicious
dogs can stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Follow the unsung heroes of mail delivery as they catch burglars, save lives and deliver the mail. • Library Beekeepers — The world’s best librarians compete in the ultimate showdown to see who will be named the world’s greatest librarian. The task: successfully keep a beehive in the library. Watch as the contestants prove to the world that beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. • Joggling — Nothing says inherent drama more than juggling while jogging. Follow the journey of aspiring jogglers as they encounter ridicule and countless setbacks
Verbatim “Let’s not reinvent the horse.”
while training to beat Zach Prescott’s record-setting 4 minute, 43.2 second joggling mile.1 • Infomercial: The Real Audition Look up “real-life drama” in the dictionary and you know what it says? Infomercials. That’s right, learn what it takes to land a part in an infomercial as we follow acclaimed infomercial casting directors to auditions all over the continental United States. Watch actors spill milk, drop dishes and burn their hands getting a baking sheet full of cookies out of the oven all in the name of art. • Celebrity Blind Dates - Contestants are told they have been selected to go on a blind date with a celebrity. The catch: the date has
to be a family dinner at the contestant’s home. The other catch: the celebrity is always Nicolas Cage. As you can see, great reality TV can be found anywhere and in anything. Keep your eyes peeled for these shows, coming soon to daytime television near you. 1 https://www.apnews.com/26473b47a5cc4616b985cc51f2f6e68d
If I had a penne for every pun What do you call A fake noodle?
- Professor David Lindsey, regarding unnecessary experiments
what?
“It smells like God vomited on the world.” - Professor Monty Buell talking about the Alaskan delicacy “stinky fish”
An impasta!
“What is the probability that one of us dies in the next three seconds?” - Professor Roy Campbell, discussing radioactive decay “I am more generous than God.” - Professor Donald Riley after giving no points back on re-done tests
Email your faculty verbatim or thank yous to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!
© 2018 KYRA GREYEYES