Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y
Collegian The
Volume 102 | Issue 05
The Best Apples pg. 6
“Ahahahahahahahaha It’s close to midnight Something evil’s lurking from the dark Under the moonlight...”
October 26, 2017
-Rodney Lynn Temperton
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Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university
| October 2017 Issue 5
Australian National Anthem Boy By Meghann Heinrich Okay fine, I’ll admit it. I’m flawed. After rigorous self-evaluation, I have come to the uncomfortable truth that I am—and it pains me to say it—a sucker for clickbait. I’m not proud of it, but there are worse things I could do. I don’t intend to, but all too often I find myself unwittingly clicking through galleries of the Kensington royals, getting in on those cake-decorating time-lapse videos, or watching sassy miniature horses living their best lives. In other words: I’m human. It’s midterm time, and with that revelation comes a statistically significant rise in my ability to shirk homework and fall prey to the evils of
Thank You Notes “Thank you Jackson Shampo for putting your grandparents in your Mask photo. You are the best of us” “I’d like to thank ASWWU bikes for making my daily commute a delight, well almost, I’ve never actually gotten to one quickly enough. But I’d like to someday”
clickbait. It is at times like these, when I know I should choose scholarly the high road, that I find myself aligned with the sentiments of acclaimed writer Susan Orlean, “I think of myself as something of a connoisseur of procrastination, creative and dogged in my approach to not getting things done.” Procrastination is not for the faint of heart or the uninvested.1 I recently watched a video of a young boy singing the Australian National Anthem at a baseball game.1 What starts out as a darling rendition of the anthem quickly takes an unfortunate turn as the young vocalist contracts a powerful bout of hiccups, adding creative and frequent gaps in
his otherwise flawless performance. It struck me, as I watched the clip a second and third time, that (1)This is probably not an efficient use of my time, but, by Jove, I don’t give a rat’s patootie. and (2) I just can’t get enough of this little trooper, out there in the big wide world singing his song and making the rest of us look bad. Why is this? What is it about that little red-headed whippersnapper that keeps me coming back? I would venture to say it is his resilience. I envy his chutzpah, the kid has moxie coming out his ears. In the face of hiccups he says, “Not today you hiccups!” and it’s on with the show. So let’s hear it for the Australian National Anthem boy, and all those like him, because they are the real MVPs, my
friends. This, of course, leads me to say that when you encounter your own hiccups, say, your car battery goes down the proverbial toilet (or the real one, either scenario means your battery is dead), keep your chin up and call your homies (or your plumber), because it ain’t nothin’ but a thing. Or perhaps when you are in your high school’s spring musical and come offstage from your big number as Tracy from “Hairspray” to realize that you were definitely experiencing what we in the biz call a “wardrobe malfunction,” chalk it up to experience. And when autocorrect does horrible, horrible things to you, here is my suggestion: take a deep
breath, consider yourself a champion of flaws, and sing the Australian National Anthem. 1 If you happen to find yourself under a tight deadline—perhaps writing a paper, not unlike myself writing this footnote right now for this very article which is due in a matter of hours— might I suggest you take a moment to look up the song “The Book Report” from the Bbroadway musical “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown.” It is perhaps the single most relatable ditty ever produced. 2 https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=0S23xyazk90
Verbatim “It’s one of my dreams to get quoted in The Collegian.” -Professor Albert Diaz
“Before you start switching around order of differentiation, you have to understand how the wiener is made”
“The flow is the flow. You don’t control it, you just deal with it.” -Professor Melodie Selby, on designing water and sewer systems
-Professor Roy Benton
“I would fake my death and have my kids come and clean out my house and then come back.” - Professor Bryce Cole, on how he can deal with his messy home “I’m going to show you how to cheat on Wednesday.” -Professor John Remington
“I want to believe she fell asleep on the bench, because that makes me happy.” -Professor Peter Gleason “And then there’ll be violence, and then there’ll be terror, and then there’ll be wonderful sex again” -Professor Linda Crumley on marriage communication
“If I was Bob Ross, I would paint happy calmodulin.” -Professor Kirt Onthank Email your faculty verbatim or shower thoughts to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!
“Thank you Parent Weekend, my fridge is now as full as my heart”
© 2017 KYRA GREYEYES