OY VEY OY VEY! HAVE I GOT A PROBLEM...
JEWISH JOKE
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Oy Vey! Have I Got a Pro lem
ng. Hi, Rachel, daughter Toby is smoki covered that my teenage dis ly ent rec t I tha ss, be tre to dis To my I always wanted , which adds to my pain. her She did not confide in me ered dreams. ... I was in att Sh her anything. Sigh. tell can s uny kid ntl ose rte wh r mothe I needed; I inadve she had borrowed that ing eth a som ing for see g n kin bee s room loo s worse. She ha ide a drawer. But it get ins ked ist, tuc rap ot” the “lo the her to d covere when I reached out nths, and to my shock, y to therapist for several mo ist have a responsibilit oking! Doesn’t the therap sm y’s Tob out ab all ew she kn for her health? ng something harmful tell me if my child is doi ht Mom. Please advise a distraug Dear Mom, Your pain is real and excruciating. As a mother, you are worried about Toby’s health. Your fear combined with the pain of being shut out by Toby in favor of a virtual stranger is a lot of suffering to carry. So, what’s a mom to do? I would recommend the tried-and-true approach that may sound frayed: Quality Time seems to be the main ingredient that parenting experts harp on in this generation. By deepening your relationship with Toby through spending special time together, hopefully she will want to turn to you when the need arises. In addition, leading therapists recommend the 90/10 approach with teenagers: 90 percent positive interaction and only 10 percent of negative communication, when necessary. Naturally, even when you criticize, your words should be gentle and loving. Toby should know that you are always there for her, willing to hear whatever is in her heart. And she should feel secure that no matter what she says or does, your love is unconditional and eternal. As a seasoned parent, you probably know all of this. But sometimes it is helpful to remind yourself, especially during a painful and shocking revelation. Regarding the fact that Toby confided in her therapist and not you, as hard as that is to swallow, I believe there is justification from the therapist’s side in maintaining confidentiality. There are strict rules that differ in each state regarding confidentiality. In general, if a therapist is worried that a client can harm herself or others, s/he is obligated to reveal the information so that everyone stays safe. However, since smoking is not an immediate danger, it is understandable that the therapist did not disclose the information to you. It would have been helpful if the therapist had lain down the rules of disclosure with you, the parents, and the client at the onset of therapy. Then you would have known what to expect. As difficult as this situation is, if a teen thinks that therapy is a place where her private confidence will be shared with her parents, the therapy has no chance of helping. Also, even though a parent wants to know when her child is engaging in these types of behaviors, it may not necessarily help the situation. Many teens experiment with different substances. Hopefully, if there is a healthy parent-child relationship, the teen will come to a place where she will want to share with the parent directly. If you feel that Toby is working with a qualified therapist, try to relax and allow the process to unfold. Therapists work to help teens consider the impact of their behavior. If the therapy is successful, hopefully Toby will be encouraged to make healthy choices in every aspect of her life. Raising children, especially today, is harder than ever. Yet, remember that when the night is darkest, dawn is about to burst forth and flood the world with light. Take heart. With your love, Toby will thrive and hopefully be a source of nachas to you. And with sincere efforts, your mother-daughter bond will become richer and stronger as the years go by. Wishing you success, Rachel
A Tip Avraham, a college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Weiss. After giving the pizza to him, Larry asked, “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied Avraham, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s $5.” “Thanks,” Avraham replied, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying in school?” asked Larry. Avraham smiled. “Applied psychology.” Source: Chabad Lubavitch, Rochester, N.Y.
YIDDISH WORD OF THE MONTH Ivy-Fashtupn v. Pushing one’s child to get into an Ivy League college. “All Abby thinks about is getting her little Ezra into Yale, so it’s ivy-fashtupn time from dawn ‘til dusk.” Victims of ivy-fashtupn are sometimes as young as 5 years old, and their families apply to elite “pre-Ivy” kindergartens to the tune of $50,000 a year. For this, the student may carry a six-figure college loan well into middle age. Directly from the Yiddish fashtupn, meaning to push or shove.
Atlanta Jewish Times Advice Column Got a problem? Email Rachel Stein, a certified life coach, at oyvey@ atljewishtimes.com describing your problem in 250 words or less. We want to hear from you and get helpful suggestions for your situation at the same time! 54 | JULY 31, 2021ATLANTA JEWISH TIMES
Source: “Schmegoogle: Yiddish Words for Modern Times,” by Daniel Klein.
