October 2010 - South Jersey MOM Magazine by Adam Nichols

October

2010

GRIEF AND RECOVERY

BREAST CANCER DETECTION What is your best option?

FUN FALL PARTY IDEAS

after the loss of a baby

help for your

STRESSED OUT preschooler

give your son the

TOOLS to be a

BETTER man

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Table of Contents pg. 20-22 Breast Cancer Awareness Month

mom 2 mom 8 Stressed Out Preschoolers 10 Feed Them and They Will Come 11 Tools to Help Your Son Become a Better Man 12 Fun Fall Party Ideas

moms R women 2 14 Violence in the Home: Local Program Gives Hope and Support 16 After the Loss of a Baby: The Five Stages of Grief

know 2 grow 24 Local Event Raises Money for Special Needs Program 26 Defying Down Syndrome 27 Mom, Nobody Likes Me!

features 20 My Mommy Wears a Wig 21 Advances in Breast Cancer Detection 22 Each Day is a Small Success

Dear Readers, really had a hard time this month deciding what to write about. Usually the kids give me plenty to choose from, but it’s been a pretty good month. There is one topic though that’s been on my mind for a while and I guess now is a good time to bring it up. Why are moms so critical of other moms? We all know how hard it is. We all know how great it is. But for some reason, some moms feel as if it’s their job to tell other moms the “right” way to do things. I own a parenting magazine, but I don’t feel that makes me an expert nor does it give me the right to tell all my friends how they should raise their kids! I have a couple of friends that are overbearing with their parenting “advice.” They are very quick to tell me what they think I’m doing wrong and what I’d better do to correct it. Why do they feel that this is ok? Every parent has the right to discipline, teach, and even love their child the way they want. Of course, we all have our opinions on the best and worst way of doing these things, but that doesn’t mean we should shove it in someone else’s face. And, as much as we might not want to believe it, there is more than one “right” way of raising children. Now not all moms are this way, but way too many are hypercritical of other moms; instead of offering support, they make them feel bad about themselves as moms. Why? Why do we moms have to defend our choices to other moms?

OCTOBER

publisher’s note nana’s 2 sense life sentences just born pop’s culture green mama book review things 2 do resource guide

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Kayden and Camille’s Early Fall Picnic Outing

I wanted to breast feed but wasn’t able to. But whenever the topic of breastfeeding comes up, I find I have to defend myself as to why I didn’t. Bottom line is that it’s my choice! Same with working moms versus stay-athome moms. Many moms I speak with find they have to defend the fact that they work, whether it’s by choice or necessity. Every family is different and we shouldn’t judge others’ choices. I try to distance myself from friends who judge me and who are overbearing. Unfortunately, friendships can be lost over childrearing differences, rather than becoming closer. Moms need support from their fellow moms. Let’s work harder to judge less and be a friend more.✲ Your Friend and Fellow MOM,

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October

MOM 2010

Publisher/Editor: Adrienne Richardson adrienne@southjerseymom.com Editorial Associate: Jeanette Giza jgiza@southjerseymom.com Advertising Inquiries: Orin Jespersen • 856.690.5565 orin@southjerseymom.com Dianne Holland • 856.278.6119 dianne@southjerseymom.com

General Advertising Info: ads@southjerseymom.com Copy Editor: Gaily Von Schlichting Production Manager: Lisa Celfo lisa@southjerseymom.com Communications Manager: Esther Donnelly esther@southjerseymom.com Photographer: Lisa Ward Photography www.lisawardphotography.com Contributing Writers: Angela De Groot, Brian Fountain, Jennifer Gregory, Kate Hogan, Fran LoBiondo, Renee Taylor Negin, Michele Ranard, Kathryn Ross, Shannon L. Sandler, Jeanne Stark, Sheila Taney, Mary Beth Woodward Submit Calendar Listing: calendar@southjerseymom.com Letters to the Editor: editor@southjerseymom.com For Any Other General Information: info@southjerseymom.com

It’s All Gravy he grandkids are growing too fast. Kayden is too heavy, actually, too tall, for me to pick up and carry and cuddle anymore. Camille is still cuddling size, but has now developed a little personality and only wants to be held when she needs it; kind of like my cat. Both children are developing their little personalities. I should say BIG personalities. Short of doing their own laundry and cooking for themselves, they are very independent. They now decide who they want to play with and what they want to play. They even decide what the rules are. When I tried to correct Kayden about a matching game (because he would not give me my turn) he said, “How ‘bout you don’t play anymore?” To this, I nonchalantly replied, “Oh, ok, I wanted to do the dishes anyway.” I left the room, started the dishes and, a few minutes later, Kayden offers, “Nana, you can play now if you want.” This was after he turned all the cards over to see where the matching ones were. I guess he’s just a normal 4 year old boy. He likes to win. The following Sunday, at church, I felt like the pot that got put on the back burner; you know, the gravy pot that you have to keep warm for just the right amount of time. The children came running toward me from their Sunday school room but when I bent down to catch them in my arms, they ran right past me. Kayden headed toward a group of boys his age and Camille jumped into her mom’s arms like I was a stranger. I should have noticed, when

nana’s 2 sense

South Jersey

they were not exclaiming, “Nana” as they were running toward me, that something was different. So there is Nana bent down with empty, open arms and a “They don’t love me anymore” look on my face. What happened? Next to mom and dad, I used to be their favorite person. Now they have their own friends.They are two and four and they have their own “click.” Their mom reassures me by telling me that they ask about Nana all the time. “When is Nana coming over? Can you ask Nana to bring some blueberries? When can we go to Nana’s and stay the night?” Even though my feelings are a little hurt, watching them grow still brings great joy. I marvel at their imagination and budding new talents. I can only imagine who they will be when they grow up. Kayden is very clever and detail oriented. He is the thinker. Camille has a kind, helpful heart. If she sees a little one crying, she goes to their side and comforts them. It’s just that I got so used to them exclaiming, “Nana!” when I enter the room. I felt like a celebrity. Well gravy is not so bad. It is the extra little something that makes the meal more comforting. I’m ok with being the gravy. I’ll still be warm when they need me.✲

—Nana

Jean

Nana Jean is a South Jersey grandmother with two daughters and six grandchildren. Enjoy her stories about her 38+ years as a mom and 20 years as a grandmother as she shares her experiences and lessons learned with lots of laughs and tears along the way.

www.southjerseymom.com South Jersey MOM is published monthly and distributed throughout the region. The publication is available free of charge at select locations. Subscriptions $29.99 per year. TM

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On the COVER “Cutest Kid in Town” Contest Winner: Sophia, age 4, is from Collingswood and loves animals, especially horses. She would like to be a Rockstar Farmer when she grows up. She just got her “big girl bed” (full size) and loves sleeping with lots of stuffed animals and her horse pillow pet. She speaks English, Spanish and is learning French. Photo by Lisa Ward Photography.

] October 2010 | 5

life sentences

Road Trips and Hailstorm Memories

y sister has time off, an empty nest and a broken car. I have a car, a week off from autistic caregiver duties and a willing preteen daughter who is excited to visit her cousins in Michigan. What’s that spell? Road Trip!!! I have long dreamed of just getting in the car and driving to Michigan to visit my brother and his family. But when my kids were small, it seemed an awfully long time to be strapped in the car with them. You can steer the car or you can swat at some aggressor in the back seat, but you cannot do both.Three miscreants against one warden seemed like a dumb way to die. But this year, the numbers have changed. My sister will ride shotgun and my daughter, an excellent back-seat driver, will operate the mobile navigation thingy. This will not be the first long car trip to the great Midwest. I went to college in West Lafayette, Indiana, and usually caught a ride home for breaks. Those were not rides with friends. It was a turbo-trip in a well-used vehi-

cle. The best of those trips were 11 hours in a tortuous pose among duffel bags and pillowcases of dirty laundry. There was one stop for gas, during which you could go to the restroom or make a phone call, but you could not do both or you would be hitchhiking home from Altoona. I have one perfect memory of a road trip from college days. My parents and two younger brothers drove out for orientation weekend and we were shocked at the flatness of the landscape. I was a moody teenager with bad nutritional habits. I got grouchy when my blood sugar was low. Once I got fed, my father observed at a diner, I sweetened right up. It was late June, and the green cornfields stretched as far as the eye could see. On our way home, we saw a storm coming toward us from a long way off. When it hit, it was torrential with hailstones like golf balls. We had to find a hotel and settle in. It was an early reprieve from driving in the car. My brothers and I raced down hallways like maniacs just to move our legs, played pool and pinball in the game room and had dinner in the

dining room instead of stopping at a rest stop. After we ate, Mom took the kids back to the By Fran LoBiondo room. My father took me down to the hotel bar and bought me my first (legal) drink. It was my 18th birthday, and I felt not like the middle child that I was, but a grown woman sitting quietly alone with my father, talking over my course of study at a Big Ten university. He never got to come out to a parents weekend or a football game. He died after Christmas during my sophomore year. But we shared that moment. I have that memory. My hope is to enjoy our trip to Michigan and make one such moment for my daughter. If we are parted before we are ready, I hope she will have a hailstorm memory of her own.✲ Fran LoBiondo of Vineland has children in grade school, high school and college. A Purdue University graduate with a degree in Journalism, she has written about parenting, food and fun for 25 yrs.

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Stressed Out Preschoolers Why They Feel Overwhelmed & How to Help By Michele Ranard, M.Ed. They aimed to see whether intervention for preschoolers at risk for antisocial behavior could alter the kids’ biological response to a stressful social situation (playing with a group of unfamiliar peers). After the intervention, cortisol levels of preschoolers who were taught coping skills were found to be lower than for those without instruction. Brotman says, “The results provide further evidence that early intervention can have a profound effect on children.”

Stress at Home Preschoolers are affected by the stress of family members. A new study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that almost 15 percent of preschoolers have atypically high levels of depression and anxiety. This five-year exploration of Sylvana M. Cote and fellow international researchers in Canada and France found that children with atypical levels were more likely to have mothers with a history of depression. “We found that lifetime maternal depression was the second most important predictor of atypically high depressive and anxiety problems during preschool years,” says Cote. Researchers stress preventive interventions are needed to see a long-term impact on the well being of kids at risk.

s a mother and former preschool teacher, I understand stress. Every parent does. But it can be a real issue for kids too. It turns out the hormone our bodies release to deal with stressors— cortisol—is one way to measure and explore stress in children. Adults cope with stress by learning to calm themselves and 3 to 6year-olds need to learn coping too. Understanding some of the underlying structures of stress may help us better guide them.

Cortisol Levels at Home and Away Why does cortisol matter? Cortisol controls our responses to stress and aids in digestion, the immune system and energy usage. When we face challenges, cortisol levels spike and provide us with energy. Cortisol can suppress immunity when stress is chronic, so we need stable levels to remain healthy. Dr. Sarah Watamura of the Child Health and Development Lab looked at cortisol and stress in toddlers and preschoolers. She found that young kids were aware of stress within the family even if parents tried to hide it. Paying attention to a preschooler’s stress signals (crying after separation, exhaustion after day care, trouble sleeping, frequent illness) and reacting with support helps. What stresses them out? Watamura discovered that even more than separation anxiety, it was their interaction with peers. Levels of cortisol often increased as they attempted to play with lots of other kids. “At home, preschool-age children typically show a decreasing pattern of cortisol production across the day,” Watamura says. “At child care, many children show a rising pattern,” probably since they are more challenged there.

Nurturance at Home Laura Miller Brotman and researchers at the NYU School of Medicine found in studies of parenting and children’s stress response that, in fact, there is a cause-effect relationship. 8 | October 2010

TIPS TO HELP STRESSED OUT PRESCHOOLERS COPE • Assure your child. If the stressor for your child is at home, Watamura says to talk to your child about how you will be able to figure it out and offer assurance that there is no need for worry. • Assess the connection. If your stressed child goes to day care or preschool, investigate to make sure your child’s teacher is bonding with him or her. Science shows that cortisol levels are more stable when there is a secure attachment. • Ask around. Watamura suggests asking your care provider, “Does my child play well when she wants to play? How does he/she do when I leave? When are the roughest times of day?” • Choices. Give your child appropriate ones, e.g., let the child pick a friend for a play date. • Offer a heads up. To prevent a meltdown, make sure he or she knows what to expect—your child will be better able to adjust to circumstances that may trigger stress. • Forget about creating CONSTANT nirvana. Watamura reminds that, “Like adults, kids don’t always have to be ‘happy’ so you should not automatically try to ‘fix’ things.” Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor. Ranard is passionate about helping children and their parents cope better with life’s chaos. Ranard has a funny blog @ micheleranard.blogspot.com.

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Does your little kid have to have things â&#x20AC;&#x153;just rightâ&#x20AC;?? Does he have to keep doing something over and over again? Does she have thoughts that constantly bother her? The Child and Adolescent OCD, Tic, Trich and Anxiety Group (COTTAGe) is looking for kids ages 5-8 with OCD to participate in a research study at the University of Pennsylvania. Those eligible receive a full assessment of symptoms and 12 weeks of behavioral therapy at no cost.

Call Aubrey Edson at 215-746-3327 if interested or if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not sure if your child has OCD Child and Adolescent OCD, Tic, Trich and Anxiety Group (The COTTAGe) University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine Director: Martin E. Franklin, Ph.D. www.med.upenn.edu/cottage

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October 2010 | 9

feed them and they will come Encouraging Your Child and Their Friends to Hang Out at Your House By Jennifer Gregory hen Teresa Bondora’s daughter was 12, Bondora began inviting her daughter’s friends over, providing food for them and encouraging the kids to make themselves at home. Before long, her house began to be the place where her daughter and her friends regularly hung out and the tweens began calling Bondora their “Other Mother.” One of the main benefits of having your child and their friends at your house is that you know where your child is and what he or she is doing. You know that an adult is home and you can make sure the kids are safe. You also have the opportunity to get to know your child’s friends. “ When your kids feel like you accept their friends, you are really accepting and validating their identity,” says Becky Haron, mother of four children. With a little bit of planning and effort, you can make your house the place where the kids want to hang out.

Provide a Hangout Space Try to provide the kids with a specific and separate space to hang out in your house. A basement or bonus room is ideal because they are often separate from the main living areas, but still in close proximity to grownups.You can turn a spare bedroom, den or even the garage into the hangout room. If you do not have a space inside your house, consider making a warm weather hangout outdoors. When Jill Nussinow’s son was 11, she set up a large tent in their backyard for her son and his friends to hang out. She ran electricity to the tent from the house so the boys could watch movies and play video games in the tent. Her son and his friends enjoyed having a place that was their own and Nussinow liked having her son in the backyard.

Decorate for Fun After you decide on the space, make the room an inviting area. Put furniture in the room that you don’t mind getting dirty or spilled on. If possible, get a second-hand refrigerator, or at least a small dorm-sized fridge, to put in the space for drinks and snacks. Think about how your children and their friends like to spend time, and provide some entertainment options, such as a TV or video game system. Pool tables, air hockey and ping-pong are favorites. You do not need to have the latest video gaming system or a huge flat screen TV. Be sure to provide a trashcan!

and boxed macaroni and cheese for when the kids are over during dinnertime. When Silvana Clark’s daughters had their friends over, she liked to make pretzel dough in the bread machine and let the kids make their own pretzels. Buy large tubs of refrigerator cookie dough at warehouse clubs so you can quickly make some fresh “homemade” cookies for the kids.

Listen and Make Them Feel Welcome When your child’s friends show up at your door, make them feel welcome at your house. Greet them by name, ask about their day and compliment them. “The best way to have kids want to come to your house instead of elsewhere, is try to genuinely like them,” says Faith Deeter, marriage and family therapist. When the kids talk to you, be sure to listen to them without passing judgment. “Be a good listener. It’s amazing how much kids want another adult to use as a sounding board,” says Carol Casey. Next time they come over, ask a question about something they told you in the past so they know you were listening and that you are interested in what they have to say. “If you are pleasant, positive and brief, the kids will likely be quite comfortable with you being there,” says Deeter. After a little while, head to a different part of the house to give the kids some space. While it’s important to create a welcome environment so kids want to come over, it’s also important to have ground rules about alcohol, drugs and smoking. Encourage them and let them know they can trust you if they come to you about another kid not respecting your house rules. “If you ask for their help, you may find they will likely be willing to be responsible along with you in having your home be safe,” says Deeter.✲ Jennifer Gregory is a freelance writer and mom of two kids. She hopes that when her kids are older that they will want to hang out at her house.

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Feed Them One of the best ways to get your kids to bring their friends over is to provide food. Bringing food to the hang out space is also a non-obtrusive way to keep tabs on the gathering without the kids feeling like you are checking up on them. Stock up on juice and sodas when they go on sale. Be sure to have plenty of chips, crackers and cookies on hand. Keep some frozen pizzas 10 | October 2010

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Tools to Help Your Son Become a Better Man... and Live a Better Life Inspire the young men in your life to look past the negative influences and reach for the best in themselves. Kanye West, Chris Brown, Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods, Bernie Madoff, John Edwards, Governor Mark Sanford. The list of men behaving badly in public is endless. No one has felt its impact more than parents of young men.

“E

very day I hear from parents who are sick and tired of the negative messages about manhood that are aimed at their sons,” relates Kelly Johnson, mother of five sons and the editor of A Better Man: True American Heroes Speak to Young Men on Love, Power, Pride and What It Really Means to Be a Man. “The good news, however,” Johnson continues, “is that parents can make things better.” It takes patience, persistence, optimism and a little bit of savvy about boys and how they operate—traits Johnson believes most parents have, or can easily acquire with a little help. Give him a hero complex. Ask any little boy what he wants to be when he grows up, and the answers will surely be similar: a fireman, a police officer, an army man—a hero. Sadly, somewhere along the way, boys let go of those dreams and begin to define success through power, glory and material wealth. If you’re lucky, that hero lives under the same roof or down the street. “One of the greatest gifts a parent can give his or her son is to actively provide him with examples of real life heroes,” says Johnson. Teach him the language of character. Knowing something is “wrong” or “right” is very different from being able to articulate why. If we take the time to describe someone’s actions as selfless or decent rather than simply “the right thing to do,” we give young men a deeper understanding of a situation and its implications. He won’t simply be asking himself, “Gee, what is the right thing?” Instead, he will be formulating his decision using words like honor, faithfulness, courage and trustworthiness. Show him that being a better man starts now. It’s easy for boys to believe they have all the time in the world to chase their dreams and become all they can be. “We have to

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explain to our boys that being a role model doesn’t start when you are an adult,” asserts Johnson, “it starts today—people who do the right thing in the large and difficult moments are acting out of habit and out of conviction. Becoming a good man takes practice and [time]. It’s hard work, and it demands courage, persistence, sacrifice and [self-control].”

That does not mean stay silent; just take a moment and refrain from engaging in a litany of criticism. Instead, try using words that invite more response and show your willingness to allow for a difference of opinion without surrendering your own standards. For example: “It’s hard for me to hear you say that.” “Why do you think that is the case?” or “In my experience, the opposite is true.” It’s okay to tell your son why you disagree with him, but if he senses you are judging or scolding, he will clam up or tell you what you “want” to hear. The point is to keep the conversation going. As long as your son is willing to talk to you, you are making a difference.✲

Start a conversation. Talking to your son about things like courage and respect is critical because it shows him these things are important to you—and, at the end of the day, parents who are engaged with their kids are still their most important role models. It can be tempting to ask direct quesKelly H. Johnson is an attorney, writer and the tions, but if you ask your son how he feels mother/stepmother of five sons and one daughter. Ms. about courage or bullying or respecting Johnson has written for both local and national parenting women, you are likely to get an eye roll, a sigh magazines, and her work appears in the compilations The or a pat answer. If you really want to know Imperfect Mom—Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in what he is thinking, try a tactical approach. the Real World (Doubleday), It’s a Girl—Women Writers on Raising Daughters (Seal Press), and the forthcoming Boys tend to open up more when their Love Wins (SmileyBooks). A Better Man: True American bodies are in motion. Whether it’s shooting Heroes Speak to Young Men on Love, Power, Pride and hoops, shuffling cards or raking leaves, your What It Really Means to Be a Man is available at son is far more likely to tell you how he is feelbookstores nationwide. For more information, please visit ing and what he is thinking if he is engaged in www.abettermanbook.com. physical activity. It’s okay to let your son know you want to talk with him about something in particular. But consider using a little u Therapy by an experienced professional that is deflection by putting designed specifically for your child the focus on someu Quicker results with parent involvement one else. “And if you u I make learning fun so kids love to come ever want to have Call me for an appointment a second conversaPEARL SPEECH ASSOCIATES tion,” Johnson adds, “bite your tongue. Sharon K. Pearl, M.A., C.C.C.-S.L.P. Even if your son Licensed Speech Language Pathologist 18 Barclay Pavilion East, Cherry Hill, NJ says something that (Located in the Barclay Farms Center on Route 70) shocks you.”

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October 2010 | 11

By Kate Hogan

Fun Fall Party Ideas h, autumn. The crisp, cool air and bright blue skies just seem to shout, “THROW A PARTY!” And why not? The weather is still nice and, with the kids back in school, you have the opportunity to run an errand or two by yourself. So, here for you, is a list of fall party ideas.

Halloween—Ok, the obvious, but kids love Halloween… the dressing up, the candy, the trick or treating. So go ahead, break out the spider webs and the skeletons (the fake ones), but gauge your scary factor on your party guests’ ages. For the wee ones, err on the cutesy side and start with a craft. Jack-o-lanterns are always fun – use paint, glue or stickers to decorate. For older kids, try a homemade haunted house.With your guests blindfolded, lead them through a series of stations where they have to rely on their sense of touch. For example, peeled grapes can seem like a bowl full of eyeballs and the combination of jello and gummy worms turns into squishy maggots. Kids of all ages love face painting. Consider hiring a professional like Bon Bon’s Parties to come to your house and make the party extra special. 12 | October 2010

Fall Harvest—A great theme for a party, no matter what the age of your child. Host a party on location. South Jersey has a plethora of pick-your-own farms that are happy to help you celebrate. Some offer full-blown parties with nothing for you to worry about. Others simply offer their crops for you and your friends to gather and teach your child the wonder of fresh fruits and vegetables. Go to www.pickyourown.org for a list of local venues. Other great indoor party places include Canlan Ice Sports, Cherry Hill Health & Racquet and Sports and More. Want to host your party at home? The autumn sky is the limit. Don’t just decorate pumpkins. Decorate apples, gourds, potatoes, zucchinis and squash. Another great craft is fruit prints. Simply cut your chosen produce in half, cover the cut side with any color paint and press onto sheets of paper. If your party is in the latter part of autumn, use some of those fallen leaves for prints. Games—If your crowd is into games, there are plenty of ways to utilize the autumn theme. Split your party guests into two teams and race to see which team can build a scarecrow first. With two sets of old clothes (button down shirt, jeans, hat and boots), teams

can either dress another teammate as the scarecrow or, with a few bales of hay, have the teams stuff their own. Afterward, use that hay for a “needle in the haystack” treasure hunt. Not real needles! Hide candy or small trinkets and give each guest a chance to find some party favors. Fall means Football, another great party theme. Have your guests arrive wearing their team colors. The main entertainment of the day will be a football game of some sort, be it the host’s favorite team on television or your guests playing in the yard. Throw in some “drills” as games to keep everyone involved. Find an inflatable field goal and have a kicking or passing contest. For a relay race, set up six to eight hula hoops in pairs next to each other to simulate a tire running drill. When it comes time to feed those hungry party guests, pretend they are sitting in the bleachers and serve them hotdogs, soft pretzels, popcorn and cotton candy. End the game with a football party cake boasting a field of green frosting with those little plastic football men running around. Whatever you choose for your fall party theme, enlist a friend to take pictures. Chances are, you are going to be too busy to catch every memorable detail. Have fun!✲ Visit our website and sign up for our e-newsletter

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October 2010 | 13

moms R women 2

pproximately 3.3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. According to The Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an equally alarming statistic finds that children in homes where violence occurs are physically abused or neglected at a rate 1,500 percent higher than the national average. With over 71,000 incidents of domestic abuse reported in New Jersey each year, thousands of children are witnessing this crime. Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home where children live in constant fear, which often has a lasting negative impact. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that affect their development and can continue into adulthood. Sadly, this epidemic is a vicious cycle; a child’s exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. Center for Family Services, a non-profit organization in South Jersey, runs programs dedicated to stopping this cycle and provides abused spouses and their children the chance to rebuild relationships and heal from past trauma. One such place of healing is The Sanctuary, located in Glassboro. “The Sanctuary is a remarkable place where we allow victims to feel safe from the environment they’re presently living [in],” says Richard Stagliano, Center For Family Services CEO/President. “Places like the Sanctuary become important to the community, as we work to ensure the safety of children when they cannot protect themselves.” Another program run by Center for Family Services is PALS (Peace: A Learned Solution), a domestic violence program for children ages 3-12. PALS is uniquely designed to offer therapeutic services to children who reside in homes where domestic violence is present.The program uses talk, play, art, music, dance and movement therapies to assist in the families’ healing. Barbara Maronski, Program Director of PALS, feels the therapy they provide will help families and children reconnect. “These skills help the child create emotional distance from the trauma and also help to repair the parent/child relationship, which is frequently damaged when domestic violence is present in the home,” says Maronski. PALS, sponsored by Camden County Women’s Center, offers a seven-month therapeutic program to learn peaceful solutions to conflict, as well as weekly group sessions, individual and family therapy sessions and case management services. All services are free and confidential and available to residents in Camden County.

For more information on Center for Family Services and the programs they offer, please visit www.centerffs.org.✲ Mary Beth Woodward serves as the Communications Coordinator for Center For Family Services. She holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Mass Communications and Public Relations from Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania. Prior to joining CFS, Woodward served as an AmeriCorps VISTA in Providence, Rhode Island. 14 | October 2010

Violence in the Home: Local Program Gives Hope and Support By Mary Beth Woodward What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence can be anything that makes a person feel threatened, scared or unsafe. It can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Domestic Violence can include: • Physical assault • Sexual assault • Intimidation • Isolation • Verbal abuse or harassment, including disrespectful or demeaning comments • Threats against you or another family member • Creating disturbances at your place of work

• Economic control • Harassing telephone calls • Spying on you • Child abuse • Destruction of property or pets No one should be a victim of domestic violence. If someone is abusing you or someone you know, you do not have to accept it. If you need a safe place to go or want to talk to someone about your options, call 1-866-295-SERV (7378). The hotline is answered by a live person, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Get Involved! To learn more about how you can help victims of domestic violence or sexual assault in South Jersey, visit www.centerffs.org.

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After the Loss of a Baby: The Five Stages of Grief (according to a local anonymous mom) he loss of a baby is one of the most devastating experiences a woman can go through. Whether the loss was through miscarriage or stillbirth, recovery is long and painful. Here are the stages you will most likely experience. Knowing what to expect sometimes helps you prepare for what’s to come. Be sure to reach out to a local support group or professional therapist if you, or someone you know, has lost a baby.

Stage 1: Denial Most of the time, miscarriages happen suddenly, with little or no warning. At first, you may not realize what has really happened. You may think, “I’m okay,” or you may be embarrassed and not want to make a big deal out of it. Miscarriages are often very painful, both for the mind and for the body, and you may find yourself relieved that, momentarily, the pain is gone. This is not the case for everyone; each person deals with pain and loss in different ways. Stage 2: Anger The second stage of grief is anger. You may find yourself having major mood swings and getting angry at everyone around you for no apparent reason. This is normal! You might find yourself getting angry at your husband/boyfriend, your friends, your family, your doctor or even God. You may ask yourself, “Why me?” You may be angry because of insensitive remarks. Most people do not understand what it feels like to go through a miscarriage and they will try to be helpful by saying things they believe will make you feel better but, in reality, they hurt you. They may say, “It’s for the best,” or “there was probably something wrong with it, anyway,” or even, “it’s better this way because you weren’t really prepared for a child.” It’s okay for you to be angry, because you lost a baby that no one can replace. If anyone tells you that you don’t have a right to be angry, they are wrong! The important thing is not to blame yourself. Stage 3: Bargaining This stage is really a tough one. Bargaining 16 | October 2010

occurs when you try to rationalize your loss, or even try to replace that empty hole with something else. For some, this stage can last for years.You may think that you immediately want to start trying to conceive another child. Thoughts such as, “This time, things will be different” may cross your mind. Stage 4: Depression In this stage, you may cry a lot and remain in a very sad state. It’s important for you to have “alone time” during this stage. This won’t be hard, because you will probably not want to be around people much. Don’t shut out the world, though; being around people is important, even if they do not understand. Do things for yourself; go shopping, take a hot bath with salts or sweet smelling oils, go find a favorite tree and sit down beside it and read a good book. Stage 5: Acceptance This is the final stage in your very difficult journey…when you finally accept that what you have lost is gone, but not forgotten. This stage does have its moments of regression into past stages, however. There may be days when you are doing just fine and then see something or hear something that triggers your sadness and you slip back into depression. This is normal. As time goes by, this will happen less often and eventually you will start to heal.✲

Have

Support Groups for Pregnancy and Infant Loss UNITE, Inc 1st and 3rd Monday of the month at 7 p.m. Virtua at Voorhees, Barry D. Brown Education Center Call Ann Coyle at 1-888-Virtua-3 The Compassionate Friends 2nd Wednesday of the month at 7:30 p.m. Somers Point, Atlantic County Call Gail at (609) 653-8451 BASIS (Handi*Vangelism Ministries International) 2nd Friday of the month at 7 p.m. Williamstown, Gloucester County Call (856) 629-4535 HOPING (Helping Other Parents in Normal Grief) Meetings are held quarterly Underwood Memorial Hospital Woodbury, NJ Call (856) 845-0100 ext. 2063

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October 2010 | 17

just born

Looking for the latest gadgets, toys, books or family related products? Look no further! Each month, we highlight the latest and greatest just for you. Take a look at these “just born” products and add them to your list of must haves!

Edible Gifts Plus Give your ghosts and goblins something extra special for Halloween with adorable and delicious treats. From Ghost cookies, Rice Krispy Treats and much, much more. These treats would be great for Halloween parties, trick-or-treating or just for having around for your family, friends and co-workers to enjoy. They can also be sent as gifts to anyone. Edible Gifts Plus also offers a line of Pink Ribbon items. Prices vary, www.ediblegiftsplus.com

Bright Starts Pretty in Pink You don’t have to spend a lot to support a cause for breast cancer awareness. Bright Starts developed this collection of toys and gear in which a portion of every sale goes straight to breast cancer research. These toys provide baby with tons of fun. $3.99 and up, www.brightstarts.com

Bugaboo Bag More than a diaper bag, the Bugaboo Bag displays a modern look that goes from play date to dinner. The clean lines look at home on the shoulders of either moms or dads. Each bag comes with a changing mat and insulated, removable food and drink containers. The Bugaboo Bag has clever storage pockets for credit cards, keys and cell phone. The adjustable shoulder strap keeps you comfy. $129.95 and up, www.bugaboostrollers.com

KIDZ BOP Halloween Party The spooky dance mix includes classic favorites and top hits such as Thriller, The Addams Family, Monster Mash and Disturbia among many others. There is even a special “Spooky Sounds” track that can provide the perfect background whether you’re pumpkin carving or throwing a house party. $11.98, available where CDs are sold.

Smart Cover Smart Cover’s waterproof formula hides sun spots, age spots, veins, bruising, freckles and even tattoos. Everything you need to conceal major to minor skin imperfections on the face and body. Dermatologist-tested: non-comedogenic, allergy tested, fragrance-free, not tested on animals. $5 of every Hollywood MakeUp Artist kit will be donated to breastcancer.org. $29.75, www.smartcover.com

But He’ll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship A survivor of domestic violence, Joanna V. Hunter helps women face the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they’ve accepted, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety. $14.95, available where books are sold.

Rock ‘N Learn DVDs This program is designed to enable parents to be as involved as they choose with their kids. Easy to use and follow, each program is crafted especially to allow for self-instruction. Completely kid-friendly. Subjects covered include reading and writing, math, science, test preparation, other languages, social studies and phonics. $19.99 and up, www.rocknlearn.com

Nickelodeon Favorites: Happy Halloween Trick or treat? This DVD has all of your favorite friends as they discover candy, costumes and haunted happenings. Dora the Explorer, Go Diego, Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, Blues Clues and Ni Hao, Kai-lan all together on one DVD. Features over 2 hours of educational entertainment for preschoolers, as well as episodes never before released on DVD. $16.99, available where DVDs are sold.

Posh Tots Pixie Princess Tutu Costume (as seen on this month’s cover model!) A great designer piece that will serve as an everlasting heirloom! This refined fairy costume is whimsy and full of fun. Includes pixie cut multi-colored tutu in shades of lavender, pale pink and mint green. This exquisite tutu is handcrafted from over 70 yards of premium tulle. In addition to tutu, costume also features fanciful crown, wand and wings. Leotard not included. Recommended ages 2-6 yrs. $90, www.poshtots.com

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o Batman, Witchie-Poo, Cleopatra and a pink poodle walk into my living room… no, this isn’t the beginning of a bad joke; it’s Halloween! Well it was LAST year, anyway. Halloween is a big deal at our house: spooky decorations, scary movies, cool costumes By Brian Fountain and, of course, delicious treats. After all, the Caped Crusader has to keep up his trick-or-treating strength! This year is sure to be another banner Halloween at the Fountain house. The only question is whether the characters in my living room on the 31st will be cute, scary or superhuman. As I write this, Lori and the kids are leafing through store circulars featuring all types of fun costumes.The kids ooh and ah as the pages are turned, each pointing excitedly at the latest trends in ghoulery. Our copy of Halloween Hits is playing in the background and it’s KILLER! (Bad pun intended.) “My favorite part of Halloween is picking pumpkins at the farm,” Jack declares, then throws in his usual Cars-related non-sequitur: “And Lightning McQueen.” Molly’s answer is more typical, as she admits to liking the treats the best. “I think my favorite is chocolate.” This makes us smile, as we remember how, not so long ago, Molly pronounced it “chotlick.” As for Sadie, our youngest, every day is Halloween. Today, for instance, she has crammed her feet into some pink kitten rain boots and sports a jaunty kitchen towel on her head. And this 2-year-old has countless tricks up her sleeve, which, unfortunately, are not solely reserved for Halloween. For costumes, this year, we tentatively agreed to have a family theme. Over the years, we have had some interesting characters grace our home: Tinker Bell, a cowboy, a Dalmation, Snow White, Superman and more than a few monkeys. But it’s a challenge to come up with a group of similar costumes, while still letting all five personalities shine through. We are in for some creative and lively wrangling this Halloween. Everyone has his or her own idea to throw into the mix. “I like Spiderman the best,” Jack exclaims, though he’s never dressed as the web slinger. “I can’t climb the walls though.” (That’s funny, Jack, because you’ve driven me to do it a few times!) Whether we are The Incredibles, the motley gang from the Wizard of Oz, or the familiar cadre of Dracula-Frankenstein-Mummy types we are going to do it together. We will circle the neighborhood, laugh and jump out of our collective skin at someone’s clever and terrifying decorations. We will pick up treat bags that sag and rip from the weight of their sweet burden, admire others’ costumes, feel (and be) silly and bring home our loot to share a few too many pieces of candy. We will have pictures in our camera and in our mind’s eyes of one more perfectly imperfect Halloween that has come and gone too soon. Well, it’s time to carve this year’s pumpkin and the kids are excited to “pull out the guts.” Gosh, I hope they are referring to the pumpkin.✲ Brian Fountain lives in Winslow Township with his wife and their three young children. He is an Atlantic City restaurant manager and writes about the joys and struggles of raising a family from a father’s perspective.

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October 2010 | 19

My Mommy Wears a Wig An inspiring story of breast cancer survival By Renee Taylor Negin my Link always knew she was at risk for breast cancer. Her grandmother died from it at 50; her mother died at 33. She knew that family history was a strong indicator that she too might one day receive that diagnosis. She shared her concerns with her OB/GYN when she was young, and her doctor set her up with yearly mammograms. Each time she had a mammogram, she heard the same thing: “You are young and have no children, so your breasts are really dense.” Translation: the mammogram shows no sign of cancer, but there’s no guarantee. In 2001, Amy gave birth to her daughter. In 2003, her mammogram showed something, but she was breastfeeding so the doctor was not concerned. In 2004, she had her son. Two years later, Amy’s mammogram again showed no cause for concern. But two months after that mammogram, she felt a lump in her breast and something under her arm. Amy had previously been to a genetics counselor and was told she had the genes that indicate a higher percentage of getting breast and ovarian cancer. On September 21, 2006, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, Amy had a double mastectomy. Amy felt relieved, as she had always assumed she was going to have breast cancer, and she no longer had to wait for its arrival. She told her doctor, “Take ‘em off!” Even though the cancer was only in her right breast, she opted to have both removed—as well as her ovaries—to eliminate the possibility of a future diagnosis. Even with the double mastectomy, Amy did still go through chemo and radiation to clear out any traces of cancer that might remain. Throughout this ordeal, Amy kept her health information very private, sharing it only with her close relatives and her best friend. She says, “I didn’t want to hear comments about how I looked or how I was feeling. I didn’t want to make everyone else uncomfortable…. I didn’t want my kids to hear it.” Her children knew she was sick, but she did not want them to see and hear people’s reactions and worry. Amy says her husband was like a rock throughout the process. He remained positive and supportive. So much so, says Amy, that she wished he would have a moment where he broke down and cried. He did not show fear, but rather faced it head-on. As a business owner, though, he was torn between maintaining and growing his business and being with her during treatment. He was the breadwinner for the family and his business depended on him being there. Initially, Amy’s daughter would often accompany her to her chemo treatments, sitting on her mom’s lap and snuggling. As her treatments continued, however, Amy actually looked forward to chemo because it provided her with quiet time—time she used to watch “grown up” TV, catch up on reading magazines, or filling in her calendar. Because she was going through chemo, Amy knew she would lose her hair. She didn’t want her kids to be fearful when they saw this, so she explained to them what was going to happen. Once her hair did start to

20 | October 2010

fall out, she had a “hair shaving party.” Her husband, children, dog and one friend gathered together as Amy’s remaining hair was shorn. Because it was near Halloween, Amy bought a purple wig to wear that night. She bought and wore a regular wig, too, which resembled her natural hair. Jokes Amy, “I started wondering how terrible my hair must have looked before, because I got so many compliments on my wig!” She says that one woman even insisted that Amy share the name of her hairdresser because the woman wanted her hair to look as good as Amy’s. Amy didn’t reveal that she was wearing a wig, but told the woman her hairdresser was a close friend who no longer worked at a salon. To explain her hair loss to her children, and to other children whose parents might be losing their hair, Amy wrote a children’s book called, My Mommy Wears a Wig (available at authorhouse.com, bn.com and amazon.com). The book is a lighthearted approach to losing one’s hair. This is just one of many ways Amy has chosen to share her story and spread the word. She is also a Cancer Education and Early Detection educator because she knows that education and awareness are the keys to early detection and survival. She advises women to have their yearly mammograms, to ask questions, and to face the possibility of cancer head on.✲

Advances in Breast Cancer Detection Comparing Mammograms, Ultrasound and Tomosynthesis By Jeanne Stark very year brings advances in the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer,” says Sherrill Little, MD and board-certified radiologist at Booth Radiology. “A new and exciting advancement on the horizon is tomosynthesis.” Currently, tomosynthesis is available for research purposes only, but it shows promise in overcoming some of the limitations of mammograms. Mammograms continue to be the mainstay for early detection of breast cancer, says Little. She continues to suggest that women follow the American Cancer Society recommendation and begin mammograms by age 40 and get an exam every year after that. A mammogram is an x-ray of the breast. The breast is compressed between two plates to flatten the breast and spread the breast tissue. Two views are taken of each breast, one showing from the top to the bottom, and one from side to side. While the compression only lasts for a moment, it can be stressful. The level of radiation used in a mammogram is

Unlike images generated from an MRI, which look like a flat circle. According to Little, “Tomosynthesis gives the breast more dimension so it’s easier to see abnormalities in dense breast tissue, and the process itself makes the breast exams more comfortable.” While tomosynthesis is not yet available to the general public and has not been FDA approved, Little is encouraged to see the future advancements in breast cancer detection. “In the meantime,” says Dr. Little, “women need to be diligent about their breast health.” Conducting monthly self breast exams and getting an annual mammogram rank top on her list of ways that women can take care of their health.✲

very low and does not increase the risk of breast cancer. Ultrasound of the breast is another important tool for diagnosing breast cancer. Ultrasound uses a high-frequency sound wave rather than radiation. Ultrasound is used as a diagnostic test if an abnormality is found in a mammogram or by physical exam. Ultrasound can be the best way to determine whether a lump is solid or fluid filled. Tomosynthesis is similar to a mammogram in that it’s an x-ray of the breast. The compression of the breast is similar to that of a mammogram, but only a slight amount of pressure is applied. Once the breast is held in a stable position, eleven x-ray pictures are taken of each breast from many angles creating an arc around the breast. It takes only 7 seconds to capture these images, which are then digitally sent to a computer where they are assembled to create a 3-D image of the breast. “Reviewing a breast image from a tomogram is like looking at a ball,” says Little.

Dr. Little is a board-certified radiologist who is fellowship trained in mammography. She has lectured widely on the importance of screening mammography in preventing breast cancer. Dr. Little and her husband Patrick are busy raising their three daughters, a nine-year-old and seven year old twins. They enjoy snow skiing and biking.

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Each Day is a Small Success An inspiring story of breast cancer survival By Angela DeGroot hortly after the death of her father, Nina Staiman was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then, after hearing she was cancer-free, Staiman found out her mother had metastatic breast cancer. Still, no matter how many times Staiman gets knocked down, she gets back up smiling. Because of her family history, Staiman has had annual mammograms since her early 30s. In 2006, after the results of her mammogram were normal, Staiman put thoughts of breast cancer on the back burner but, three months later, Staiman discovered a lump in her breast. She called her OB/GYN and scheduled a check-up. The weekend before her appointment, the family went snow tubing and Staiman remembers standing in the cold, checking under what felt like 50 layers of clothing, hoping the lump had miraculously disappeared. It had not. The OB/GYN sent Staiman for an ultrasound and, based on those results, she was referred to a breast surgeon for an in-office biopsy. The diagnosis of breast cancer was confirmed. Fortunately, after more tests, lymph node involvement was ruled out. Staiman chose the aggressive treatment option of a double mastectomy followed by chemotherapy because she could not face living with the uncertainty of having a breast cancer recurrence. Staiman prepared for her surgery by poring over textbooks like a medical student. “Knowing the facts gave me a sense of control,” she says. Two months after she was diagnosed, Staiman underwent a nine-hour bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Then, just when she was feeling her strong self again, she started chemotherapy, which made her feel ill and exhausted. She kept reminding herself that anything making her this sick had to be working. Staiman and her husband told their children, ages 6 and 8, about her cancer after her surgery but before the chemotherapy. “I needed to be careful about using the word ‘cancer’ because their pop pop died of esophageal cancer. I wanted to be upfront but age appropriate with them.” Staiman consulted literature she found through the American Cancer Society but mostly followed her instincts. “I didn’t want my illness to be a cancer of whispered voices.” She told them her cancer was one that doctors could fix with a medicine so strong her hair would fall out. “They [really] didn’t have much of a reaction.” Staiman was concerned about the effect her illness might have on her children, but realized her battle could also have a positive effect on them. “They might decide to follow careers in cancer research or treatment. That would be wonderful.” During her treatment, Staiman’s husband kept things at home as routine as possible. He took care of things she was not able to, all while keeping her grounded and helping her to see the bigger picture when she could not. “He kept our everyday going.” “It wasn’t so much the cancer, but everything else I had to deal with. My life was all about doctors’ appointments and chemo treatments.”

22 | October 2010

Staiman did her best to see the humor in her situation. Reading about other people’s experiences also gave her strength. She realized getting through each day was a small success and, even though it felt like it was never going to end, it did. Staiman received support and encouragement from her family, friends and neighbors. However, the women she met at the cancer center were the greatest help of all. “They were going through it too and provided kinship with their immediate understanding of what I was feeling.” Did cancer change Staiman? “Absolutely. I truly see each day as a gift and I try to pass this on to my children. I am still the same mother, wife and friend, but now I push away the non-essential and the negative.” Her advice to women recently diagnosed with breast cancer is to “ask lots of questions and bring someone with you to your consults because you need two sets of ears for all that information. Accept all the help offered and ask for the help you need, knowing that one day you will help them back.”✲

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1. Did your dinner come from a farm or a box? 2. Did your water come from the tap or a plastic bottle? 3. Did you use plastic or reusable bags (or none at all) at the store? 4. Did you unplug/turn off lights/appliances not in use? 5. Did you walk, bike or drive your car? 6. Did you recycle the recyclables or put everything in the trash? 7. Did you throw out food waste or compost it? 8. Did your children play video games or play outside? 9. Did you use cloth or paper napkins? 10. Did you pack lunches in reusable containers or in plastic baggies? These 10 questions are really simple to answer. If you are not living “green,” now is the time to start. Even if you make just one switch, you will be making a difference. Once you see how easy it is, other positive changes are sure to follow!✲ Sheila Taney has two children and resides in Cherry Hill. She is passionate about teaching her children and others how they can participate in saving the environment.

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October 2010 | 23

know 2 grow

Local Event Raises Money for Special Needs Program Famous baked goods help bring it all together By Adrienne Richardson

as your child ever noticed another child or adult in a wheelchair or someone who had a disability of some sort? What did they say when they noticed their differences? More importantly, what did you say? Many parents don’t know what to say when their child points out someone who is “different.” Most moms and dads say things like, “Don’t stare” or “It’s not nice to point” or something else along those lines. But is that the right thing to say? “Parents should encourage their children to make eye contact with someone in a wheelchair or with a disability, and then smile and say, ‘hi’,” says Sue Ambrose, mother of three from Moorestown. Ambrose has a child with cerebral palsy. “Looking away or not talking to the person makes them feel ignored.” It’s important to have discussions with your child about how to treat and interact with children who have a disability. Explain to them that they want to feel cared about and noticed. Most times, special needs children and adults welcome the opportunity to talk about their disability and teach others. The Special Education Advocacy Council of Moorestown (SpEAC) is on a mission to do just that. Their goal is “to positively impact the education of all students with an emphasis on those with special needs representing students and parents of students needing or receiving education services.”

Anthony Ambrose (left) with Little Buddy at Carlo’s Bake Shop 24 | October 2010

On October 8, 2010, SpEAC is holding a “fun-raiser” called Cafe on Main featuring baked goods from Carlo’s Bake Shop in Hoboken (as seen on TLC). The event is sold out, but you can still order their famous crumb cakes at www.moorestownspeac.com and pick them up that night between 7 and 9 p.m. at Moorestown Community House, 16 East Main St in Moorestown. All proceeds benefit SpEAC. Mauro Castano is Buddy Valastro’s right-hand man at Maddalena, Little Buddy and Mauro Castano as seen on TLC Carlo’s Bake Shop, as well as his brother-in-law. They are ever she saw me and this made me feel good both happy to support this great event. “We’ve to know that I made her feel good,” says Little taught our children to never make fun of other Buddy. children,” says Maddalena Castano, Mauro’s When Sue’s son Anthony visited the bakwife and the second oldest Valastro sister. ery, Little Buddy was curious about the braces “But being a good example is the best thing a on Anthony’s legs. Sue told Little Buddy that parent can do.” Anthony had cerebral palsy and explained to The family at Carlo’s Bake Shop is a tight him what that means. “Little Buddy’s kindness family where discussions about myriad topics and ability to look past Anthony’s disability was come up at the dinner table… topics such as touching. He realized he needed to take the homeless man who hangs out near the Anthony around the bakery with caution and bakery and the blind man they know who make sure he didn’t get hurt, but he still loves collecting baseball cards. But making gave him the red carpet treatment instead of more of an impact are the actions their childismissing him,” Sue says. dren see them take. “Every winter, my dad “I was tormented by a classmate when I gives a coat to the homeless man,” says Little was in the 7th and 8th grade,” says Mauro. My Buddy. “And I watch my dad and Uncle Buddy family had just come to America from Italy and give him money.” Mauro believes, “Being a I spoke very little English.” Mauro worked hard good example is not about the conversation to learn English, as this was very important to you have, it’s the example you show them.” their father and to living in America. “She conUnfortunately, bullying and picking on stantly made fun of me and got her boyfriend others has become all too common today. to pick on me. It was hard being different.” Children can be mean and nasty to those who Parents really are the most important are different and someone needs to stand up role models for their children. Parents who for them. Mauro’s son, 11-year-old Little Buddy show kindness and compassion for those with agrees. “I had a girl in my class at school who special needs will help develop those same has Down Syndrome. No one else would talk characteristics in their children. “My dad to her. People told me to avoid her but I didalways said ‘tell me who your parents are and n’t want to. I said hi to her one day and we I’ll tell you who your kids are,” Mauro says.✲ became friends. She would get excited whenVisit our website and sign up for our e-newsletter

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October 2010 | 25

Defying Down Syndrome By Kate Hogan

few months ago, Lisa O’Donnell of Moorestown was scrolling through the pictures on her 6-year-old son Daniel’s digital camera. When she got to the picture of him sitting in a canoe in the middle of a lake, she was shocked and thrilled at the same time. Daniel was born with Down Syndrome and it was not so long ago that doctors misjudged the level of accomplishments he would achieve in his life. “Daniel is a remarkable young boy who has brought great joy to our family and friends,” says O’Donnell. “Many wonderful people and organizations we have encountered over the past six years have made it possible for Daniel to participate fully in life. We knew [our] son would be born with Down Syndrome and it’s stunning how many people and doctors deliver that news as if [a] tragedy. Fortunately, for us, there have been many people along the way [who] have helped us understand that people with Down Syndrome are more like their peers than they are different. Daniel [has] been our greatest teacher and he is a blessing to his father and [me] as well as to his older brother and sister.” The O’Donnells try to keep Daniel “in the game” at all times, meaning play dates, sports, travel, restaurants and all the things that 6year-old boys enjoy. “Sometimes, we have to modify or adapt a situation, provide an advocate, do more preparation than the average family, but mostly we just try to love each other, have fun and live our lives.” For the past three summers, Daniel has attended the JCC Camp in Medford through a program called Open Hearts/Open Doors, which provides him with a one-on-one advocate so he can attend a typical camp. The philosophy of inclusion has been very powerful and empowering, not only for Daniel but for the whole O’Donnell family. “We have been very blessed to be surrounded by friends, therapists and doctors who consistently guide us to see the things [Daniel] CAN do.” When O’Donnell and her husband Jay come up against challenges, they try to find creative ways to accommodate them. For instance, Daniel struggles with articulated speech. So the O’Donnell’s did some research and discovered a software program that works with the iTouch and iPad and has a series of cue cards of sorts. Daniel is able to scroll through the choices to find the right picture, word or phrase he is trying to communicate and he can show it to the person with whom he is talking. Another way O’Donnell circumvents Daniel’s speech problem is with a digital camera. O’Donnell stuck it in Daniel’s back pack so his counselor could take pictures of activities he did at camp that day. Later, the family can scroll through the pictures and ask specific questions about his day’s events. “Just like any other mom and child, we are always trying to balance staying in our comfort zone and stretching to have growth through new experiences.We get frightened by the unknown sometimes and worried about how Daniel’s challenges impact or translate in a mainstream environment. [I] try to take his lead as much as possible and not [assume] failure. If a situation is too overwhelming for Dan, I tell myself, ‘we’ll just try again later.’”

26 | October 2010

Daniel with his cousin, Emily

If O’Donnell can offer one piece of advice to other parents, it’s to “fight as hard as you can against the limits people try to put on you and your family. People still tell me what they think Daniel can and cannot do without really knowing him or his capabilities. I feel like Jay and I need to constantly reflect upon what is right for him and try to ignore the naysayers whenever possible.”✲

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Finding Support and Friends with

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KIIDS

Supportively Stepping Aside (Instead of Stepping In)

By Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

By Shannon L. Sadler For a mother of a Down Syndrome child, finding support from mothers in similar situations can be beneficial for both parent and child. Knowledge and Information about Individuals with Down Syndrome (KIIDS) was founded almost nine years ago when a few mothers of Down Syndrome children started arranging regular play dates. After sharing stories and experiences, they decided to form a support group to help educate women about Down Syndrome. The purpose of KIIDS is not just to share information, but also to create an atmosphere of commonality for the children and moms. The organization’s website gives mothers access to a “Lending Library,” which allows them to borrow the latest publications, books and DVDs about Down Syndrome. During the year, the organization offers a wide range of play dates and outings. Past outings include a class at MacKenzie & Allebach’s Gold Medal Family Karate and a viewing of Alice in Wonderland at the Camden County Community College MainStage Center for the Arts. “Since the organization receives funding from the state, in general, the events are free to the children and their immediate families,” says Nancy Iannone, Moms Outreach Coordinator for KIIDS and author of Diagnosis to Delivery: A Pregnant Mother’s Guide to Down Syndrome. Iannone’s 5 year old daughter, Gabby, was diagnosed with Down Syndrome at birth. As one of the coordinators of KIIDS, Iannone is in charge of spreading the word to new mothers of Down Syndrome children to inform them of their events. “It’s difficult to find mothers with Down Syndrome children because of confidentially laws, such as HIPPA,” says Iannone. She sends information to local gynecologists, so they can inform mothers about their services. KIIDS is also affiliated with Bringing Up Down Syndrome of South Jersey (BUDS), which offers programs for a broader range of ages and sometimes hosts joint events, such as the Buddy Walk. www.bringingupdownsyndrome. org. For more information and to register for events, visit www.kiids.info. Nancy Iannone’s book, Diagnosis to Delivery: A Pregnant Mother’s Guide to Down Syndrome, is available online at www.downsyndromepregnancy.org. www.southjerseymom.com

ight-year-old Sophie’s brown eyes fill with tears when she is asked about her day after school. “Alexis made fun of my haircut in front of Kevin!” It’s tough enough as a parent to hear about our kids suffering a social setback when they are little. But it’s even trickier to know how to respond to setbacks once they reach about third grade. Sometimes, we are tempted to step in and fix things for them but, after a certain age (unless it’s chronic bullying), it can be unwise to interfere. So how do we offer support without becoming overly involved? Supportive Strategies Clinical psychologists Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore offer tips for parents honoring the “whole-child” in their book, The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. Elman and Kennedy-Moore maintain that children with specific social problems also have corresponding strengths, which may be cultivated. “The Shy child,” for example, “can become a good listener and a loyal friend.” The following strategies are woven throughout their book. • Give them lots of socializing practice. Make sure your child has opportunities to simply play with others—not just structured activities and lessons. To learn how to get along well with others, they need practice. The psychologists recommend short play dates focusing on an activity (bowling, going out for ice cream) for those children who are struggling socially. • Get the scoop from teachers. It can be helpful to obtain the opinion of your child’s teacher who may be able to shed light on the teasing or exclusion. The teacher may be able to connect the dots and provide information about your child’s behavior around other kids. Perhaps your child is a non-stop talker at home, but her teacher’s feedback indicates she is tight-lipped at school. It helps to have such objectivity. • Convey hope. Being left off the birthday party guest list or ridiculed can feel like the end of the world to a child. Remember that most teasing incidents are isolated situations. Help kids gain perspective by expressing your

confidence that things will work out. When your child is upset because “everyone hates me” it’s important to listen and feel his or her pain, but to offer hope and focus on future success. Do Not “Interview for Pain” School consultant and psychologist Michael Thompson suggests in his book, Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, that when speaking with your child about their day, you avoid questions that “interview them for pain.” “Was anyone mean to you today?” is the wrong sort of inquiry, since it will cause children to search their memories for something negative to report. Keep the focus on how they may successfully handle the situation. Thompson suggests asking the following questions to explore their ability to cope after a social setback. fi What do you think you will do if this happens again? fi How do other kids handle teasing by so-and-so? Can you do the same? fi Have you ever played with so-and-so before? Did a friend comfort you after you were teased? Focus on What Friendship Means It’s tough to relax and step aside when we see our kids hurting.The desire to pick up the phone immediately and contact the parents associated with a conflict can be strong. But it’s important to help your child stay focused on the big picture: kindness, respect and true friendship. In her book, When Friendship Hurts, Dr. Jan Yager discusses the role of empathy in friendship. She says, “the feeling of empathy for a friend…stems from a deep-rooted emotion toward that friend, but it also reflects a basic ability to listen to others and truly care about what they are going through.” By modeling empathy for our children, we are teaching a meaningful lesson in love that they may then pay forward in their social lives and friendships.✲ Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor who understands the desire to “fix” things for our kids. Ranard is a freelancer with a funny blog @micheleranard.blogspot.com.

October 2010 | 27

book review

Tale Spin Stories Read-to-Me Book Reviews By Kathryn Ross, a.k.a. “Miss Kathy”

ctober looms before us with the promise of crisp, brown leaves to crunch under our feet, costumed toddlers crying, “Trick or Treat” and scary flying things that go squeak! Bats! The kind with wings – and the kind that make you want to stand and sing, “Take me out to the ballgame! Take me out to the crowd! Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack; I don’t care if I never get back!” What? Baseball? But, isn’t that a spring thing? Actually, it’s a pretty long year, baseball season. And it wraps up another year of its beloved history every October during the much-anticipated World Series. Enter the baseball bat… and bats that play baseball. In the fanciful world of author/illustrator Brian Lies, his bats can do just about anything. First, we met them when they enjoyed a summertime adventure in Bats at the Beach, which was so much fun it made the New York Times Bestseller List! Then, Lies took his bats on another night flight to one of his own favorite haunts – the local library – in Bats at the Library. Now, just released, he turns the world of baseball upside down with Bats at the Ballgame, which has been selected for the Autumn 2010 Kids’ Indie Next List by independent booksellers. Born and raised in South Jersey, Lies’ childhood memories of boyhood and baseball are evident as his bats take a sentimental journey to the local baseball stadium, filling the stands with fluttering wings of excitement as they watch their all-stars compete. Clever puns and word play rival the game play with such stadium staples as “beenuts and Cricket Jack” within the context of rhyming text, capturing nostalgic images of our American pastime. Night-shading and lush tones provide the foundation for pages and pages of full-spread acrylic paintings depicting playful bats looking very much like human baseball heroes and fans of old, glowing in the warmth of evening lights.

28 | October 2010

!! THEME: Take Me Out to the Ballgame! BOOK: Bats at the Ballgame AUTHOR/ILLUSTRATOR: Brian Lies EAN: 9780547249704

Follow-up Activity: Here’s a terrific read-aloud for our youngest sports fans and budding ballplayers. Dad, make this a personal favorite – and do not forget to end it all by using the teachable moment to share your own childhood memories of going “out to the ballgame.” And, Mom – do not miss this opportunity to pair this book with a non-fiction library selection about the bat itself – a fascinating creature to study. Adopt some bats of your own by putting up a “bat box” in your backyard – available at home and garden stores – and take the kids outside for some bat watching in the autumn evenings.✲ Kathryn Ross is a professional storyteller celebrating the love of learning and literacy with children of all ages. She hosts Tale Spin Stories every Tuesday for preschoolers at the Cumberland Mall in Vineland. To learn more about Miss Kathy programs from Pageant Wagon Productions, visit www.pwpstorytellers.com.

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For a complete list of events, log onto www.southjerseymom.com

To submit your event, send an email to calendar@southjerseymom.com. Entries are due six weeks prior to the event and are filled on a first come first serve basis. Space is limited. ATLANTIC COUNTY

for the entire family. Main Street, Marlton. (856) 985-9792

South Jersey Pumpkin Show Festival October 9 – 10 from 10a to 6p Two day festival that celebrates the fall harvest of pumpkins. Pumpkin weigh off, over 100 craftsmen, professional home expo, pumpkin dessert contest, music, food rides, decorated baby stroller parade, Little Miss Pumpkin show and pumpkin pie by the slice. 4-H Fairground Rte. 50, S. Egg Harbor. (856) 765-0118 or sjpumpkinshow@aol.com

Family Services 5th Annual 5K Run October 23 at 9 a.m. All pre-registered participants will receive long sleeved shirts and goodie bags. Registration $20 for adults, $15 for youth 14 yrs & under. Proceeds benefit the Family Service Food Pantry and their veteran’s programs. The Charles Yates Ctr, 79 Chestnut St, Lumberton. (609) 267-5928 or www.fam-serv.org.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure: Value Her Health October 24 at 10 a.m. Hamilton Mall and Macy’s are sponsoring the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Value Her Health 5K and 1 mile Family Fun Walk. Registration at 9:15a. Go to the Hamilton Mall Customer Service or Macy’s 3rd Floor Human Resources Office to pre-register. 4403 Black Horse Pike, Mays Landing. (609) 646-8326 or www.shophamilton.com

Heads & Tails Fundraiser October 10 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Salon Rouge in Cherry Hill will have outstanding specials including: $40 hair cuts for women, $18 hair cuts for men, $40 single color processes and $20 color glazes. Camden County Animal Shelter will have dogs from the shelter, as will event sponsors: Rita’s Water Ice, Genuine European Portraits offering pet portraits, and author Judy Kristen. 15% of proceeds benefit CCAS. (856) 424-3611

HARVEST CRAFT FESTIVAL October 23 & 24 Crafters and artists under tents for a fall festival. Perfect start to holiday shopping. Easy parking in an urban setting. Atlantic City Outlets, Atlantic City. (609) 425-4717 or lorraine@artwalkshows. com

CASA, Night of Reggae October 15 from 8 p.m. to 12 a.m. A night of Reggae and fun with Mystic Bowie. Guests enjoy 4 hrs of entertainment, 2 hrs of hors d’euvres, unlimited beer and wine all night, dessert, coffee, tea, soda and water, opportunities to bid on auction items, & much more. Valleybrook Country Club, 200 Golfview Dr, Blackwood. (856) 858-4488 or www.casaofcamdencounty.org

BURLINGTON COUNTY Scary Story Workshop October 2 from 2 to 4 p.m. What is so scary about dark and stormy nights, creaking floorboards in old, dust houses, and things that go bump in the night? Join New Jersey Writers Society’s A. Craig Newman and find the answers. Revel in the art and craft of writing scary stories. Mt Laurel Library, 100 Walt Whitman Ave, Mt Laurel. (856) 2347319 x314 Olde Marlton Fall Festival October 2 from 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Join over 100 crafters and vendors displaying their handmade items. Rides and live animals (ponies and petting zoo), music, extra large court with local food vendors. Great day www.southjerseymom.com

CAMDEN COUNTY

Blackwood Pumpkin Festival October 3 from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Enjoy a day filled with fun sponsored by Mainstage Center for the Arts and Beneficial Bank. Festival offers hayrides, moonbounce, pumpkin carving contest, face painting, a costume contest, food, games, music, over 200 vendors and 4 stages for entertainment. Blackwood Rotary Library, 15 S. Black Horse Pike, Blackwood. (856) 227-3091 3rd Annual Stratford Fall Festival October 2 from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. A wonderful family event with rides, games, vendors, crafters, car show and live music. There will also be a

5k run benefitting Michael’s Way. Rain date October 3. Yelin School, Yale Ave, Stratford. $15. www.shopstratfordnj.com

CAPE MAY COUNTY Boo at the Zoo October 23 from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Wear your costume and enjoy the fun and games and a live Creepy Creature show. Crafts, candy and more. Costume contest registration at 10a. Fun for the whole family. (609) 465-6832 or www.capemayzoo.org Rea’s Harvest Country Fair October 16 from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Offering a unique setting on a working farm that was once one of the largest farms in Cape May county. County fair atmosphere with pony rides, family hayrides, contests and games for kids and adults. Unique food vendors, antiques, art and crafts and high quality flea market dealers. Rain date October 18. Located at Rea’s Farm, Bayshore & Stevens Streets, West Cape May. (609) 884-4522.

CUMBERLAND COUNTY The Harvest Awaits October 30 from 1 to 4 p.m. Non-scary costumes encouraged, food, chili cook off for the adults, lots of activities for children including games and tons of candy. A non-perishable item for the food pantry is appreciated in lieu of admission price. Calvary Chapel of Vineland, 930 N Main Rd, Vineland. (856) 696-9409. 2010 Fall Fashion Show and Fair October 27 from 6 to 9 p.m. SJ Healthcare Foundations’s Annual Fashion Show features shopping at various vendors and a fantastic runway fashion show. Proceeds benefit SJ Healthcare and affiliates to bring quality patient care and keep pace with medical advancements and technology. Centerton Coutry Club, Pittgrove. (856) 641-8290 or sjhfoundation@sjhs.com. The Robin Hood Project hosting annual RUN/Walk fundraiser October 2 at 9 a.m. The Robin Hood Project, Inc. will hold its annual Run/Walk. Funds raised directly help the project continue its

things 2 do

October Calendar

mission of helping local needy families by providing basic needs, such as furniture and clothes, for their home and family. Our Lady of Pompeii Church, Dante Ave, Vineland. TheRobinHoodProject@comcast.net

GLOUCESTER COUNTY 7th Annual Italian Heritage Festival October 3 from 12 to 6 p.m. All day family fun includes Italian food, face painting, crafts and more. Dr. Neff’s Incredible Puppet Com-pany will perform at 1 and 3pm. RiverWinds Community Center, West Deptford. (856) 494-3281 Painting a Fall Flower Pot October 18 at 11 a.m. Paint clay flower pots with acrylic paints and make an artificial fall arrangement out of artificial mums to take home. Logan Township Branch Library, 498 Beckett Rd, Logan Twp. Must register by 10:30a. (856) 241-0202

SALEM COUNTY 5K Race for Autism October 16 from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. 5K Run/Walk to benefit the Salem County Center for Autism. Many activities, booths and vendors will be set up in Plaza parking lot to enjoy after the run, including a free safety awareness seminar and free introductory karate class! Registration forms for racers and vendors on website. Cranberry Plaza-River’s Edge Karate, 233 S. Broadway, Pennsville. (856) 678-2003 or www.riversedgekarate.com The Giant Pumpkin Carve October 16–17 Giant pumpkins will again be turned into works of art when amateur and professional artists compete in the 14th Annual Giant Pumpkin Carve. Pumpkin exhibits, along with children’s and family activities will be held both days. Proceeds from the gate helps Meals on Wheels of Salem County, Inc. provide hot meals to elderly homebound throughout the year. Salem County Fairgrounds, Rt 40, Pilesgrove. (856) 935-3663

October 2010 | 29

resource guide

CLASSES LEARN TO SEW! Build self-confidence, new skills & new friends while learning a valuable skill! Small day and evening classes available ages 5 and up, (hand sewing), age 8 to adult (machine classes) & mother-daughter classes; machines available. (856) 358 8553. Lorizstudio@aol.com, www.LorisStitching Studio.com. Trained sewing educator.

FOR THE HOME

GIVE THE GIFT OF ORGANIZATION THIS HOLIDAY! Do you know someone who can’t get the toys, laundry and other kid stuff under control? Let BB’s Clutter Solutions reduce stress, create order and help find a place for everything...for good. Gift Certificates available now. Contact Barbara Berman at (856) 912-0077 or www.bb-clutter-solutions.com today! CUSTOMIZE YOUR HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS Lori’s Stitching Studio can help you prepare for a stress-free holiday. Enjoy in-home consultation and fabric selection for beautiful custom window treatments, slipcovers, bedding, and light upholstery projects. Call now for an appointment. (856) 358-8553. Lorizstudio@aol.com, www.LorisStitchingStudio.com. WCAA Member

GIFT IDEAS GREAT PERSONALIZED GIFTS FOR ALL AGES At JUST FOR LITTLE PEOPLE (and others, too!) we specialize in new baby gifts both hand-painted or embroidered. Beautifully wrapped and available for pick-up at our new Gibbsboro location, or we can ship it for you. Call (856) 627-8901 or check out www.justforlittlepeople.com.

HEALTH & WELLNESS ARE YOU READY TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF? Want to improve your eating habits, increase your energy and understand your food cravings? Turning Leaf Nutrition and Wellness will

develop a personalized program that will radically improve your health and happiness. One conversation can change your life. (856) 912-3709, www.turningleaf-wellness.com. SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS WITH ENZYME THERAPY! Our dietary supplements (100% non-drug related) help with bedwetting, CHIGGERS, colic, constipation, gerd and preventing the need for ear tubes. Call today to learn how enzyme therapy can change your life, naturally. Linda Keeper RN, CNC, Enzyme Therapist, (609) 476-2496.

MENTAL HEALTH DEFIANT? OPPOSITIONAL? RESTLESS? INATTENTIVE? DEPRESSED? ANXIOUS? Struggling with your child’s behavior? Then the time to call Dr. Katherine Perez-Rivera is NOW! A licensed psychologist specializing in clinical pediatrics, she offers individual, group, marital and family therapy, behavior modification services, play therapy and more. Call today! (856) 383-0585.

PARTIES ABRAKADOODLE ARTY PARTIES! Celebrate CREATIVITY! Abrakadoodle CUSTOMIZED Arty Parties are perfect for BIRTHDAYS, HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS, SCHOOL OR SCOUT EVENTS. All artwork FRAMED – the best PARTY GIFT ever! Hosted at your location; we provide ARTFULLY FUN teacher, materials & frames. Visit www.abrakadoodle.com/nj01 or call (856) 914-0521.

PEDIATRIC OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY NEED HELP GUIDING YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL JOURNEY? At The Schlinic, happy childhoods are our specialty. Kids come for awesome motor equipment, fun sensory experiences and developmental play. Parents come for answers, professionals who listen, assessments and research-supported intervention. Learn more at www.schlinic.com or call Dr. Jodi at (856) 692-9292.

PARSONS CENTER FOR THE ARTS SUMMER CLASSES IN: BODY CARE • ESSENTIAL OILS MACROBIOTICS • HOMEOPATHICS ALLERGY & SPECIAL DIETS LARGE SELECTION OF FROZEN & REFRIGERATED ITEMS Laurel Hill Plaza (across from Shoprite) Blackwood-Clementon & Laurel Roads Gloucester Township - Lindenwold 2001 College Drive - Clementon

784.1021

NEW Mommy and Me music class. Fridays 1:00-1:45. 6months - 4 years.

Open 7 Days

20% OFF Your Total Purchase

Natural Health • 784-1021 With this coupon. Excludes sale items and produce. Not valid on other offers.

30 | October 2010

Acting, Music, Painting, Drawing, Pottery. July-August. All Ages Welcome.

856-904-1971

100 W. Maple Avenue Merchantville, NJ

www.parsonsart.net

Visit our website and sign up for our e-newsletter

Is Your Child This Happy At Back-to-School Time?

Does your child enjoy the social aspects of school? Does he form meaningful friendships and participate in extra-curricular activities? Does she participate in clubs, go to proms, join in talent shows? Children at our Private Special Education Schools do! When children feel cherished, well cared for and respected, they learn to share those traits with other students. School becomes a welcoming place where students feel at home and are able to enjoy a social life of their own. With individualized attention, on-site therapies and vocational training, our schools deliver unparalleled services for students with special needs. New Jersey Department of Education certified special education teachers, licensed therapists and counselors provide expert, advanced instruction and support … along with plenty of smiles. These unique services are provided at NO COST for families. Find out if private special education is the right fit for your child. Our staff can help answer your questions. To find out more about what programs may be right for your child, call us at

1-800-697-8555 —or visit our website at

www.privatespecialedsnj.com

Join the Private Special Education Students Who Are!

Brookfield Schools Garfield Park Academy Larc School

HollyDELL, Inc. Kingsway Learning Center St. John of God Community Services

Private special education is an option for many children, and provided at no cost to families. Finding the appropriate educational option for your child can sometimes be a complicated process. We have access to education and legal experts who can help you navigate through the process. For more information or for help in understanding your rights, call us at 1-800-697-8555. www.southjerseymom.com

October 2010 | 31

Booth Radiology Doctors... focused on providing exceptional Women’s Imaging. Sherrill Little, MD (left), Nikki Ariaratnam,MD (right)

Mammograms on your schedule.

856-848-4998 • www.BoothRadiology.com Stratford

• Washington Township • West Deptford • Woodbury