When Late Night Thoughts are Bourne

WHEN LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS ARE BOURNE FREDDIE BOURNE With

BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, I WILL BE BACK IN THERAPY

I know what you’re thinking: Wait, you haven’t been in it this whole time? We thought this entire column was about things you were discussing with your therapist.

In a perfect world, yes. Most of the content that I put up for display would be things that I would have talked about with my therapist for the past six or so years. However, working with a therapist that is in a different state with an hour time difference and losing track of my schedule on a minute-by-minute basis, it was for the best to seek something that I could physically attend to.

I’m not bashing my previous therapist in any way. They were incredibly kind, supportive and were one of the people that encouraged me to find my love in music and writing. Hell, I even played a small half hour set for him during one of our sessions and didn’t have to pay.

But, he knew about me. He knew enough about my history considering he saw my father and stepmother during their troubling times and was aware of their vices. While he didn’t know me personally until we started working together, I know that I need to seek someone that has no idea who I am to have a fair shot at finally getting better, especially when admitting the hard truths to myself.

For years, I’ve told people that the anxiety and depression have stemmed more from the sudden passing of my mother and grandmother. Reality’s struck each year making me deal with the underlying truth that the anxiety and depression have been with me all along and the traumatic experiences simply brought everything to the forefront.

My panic and worry have been seeping into so many parts of my well-being where even doing everything I want and love on my own terms still doesn’t bring me joy. As much as I want to follow the mantra “it is what it is,” my brain and my body need to know what that “it” is, to know “why” it is what it is.

I need help. I want help.

By the time you read this, I’ll have my first session done. And hopefully by then, I’ll be on my way back to myself.

"I NEED TO SEEK SOMEONE THAT HAS NO IDEA WHO I AM TO HAVE A FAIR SHOT AT FINALLY GETTING BETTER, ESPECIALLY WHEN ADMITTING THE HARD TRUTHS TO MYSELF."

PHOTO: EMILY PELSTON