MAYBE I'M JUST GETTING OLD...

with Johnny Fletcher

nature of said call, a text from Hume came through that simply read, "wut u wunt?" Brief and to the point, I'll give him that. Clearly, the kid wasn't much in the mood for conversation; however, undeterred, I messaged, "I need a topic for my June commentary." That was nine days ago. It's been crickets ever since. Do me a solid, would you? If you happen to run into Hume while he's busy brooding in front of a laptop at some local coffee shop, tell him that ol' J-Fletch is still waiting on a response. And to invest in a GD fax machine.

The net effect of all this is that without Hume's input I was forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel. No joke, I'm going to talk to you about weeds. Not weed, pothead - weeds, plural, as in crabgrass and other unwanted plant growths that clog up the yard and shoot up through cracks in the pavement. Because what's more irritating to an old chap like me at this time of year? Trying to keep my lawn in tip-top shape is basically a full-time job in the spring when frequent rainstorms mean I've not only got to mow every few days but keep a constant vigil for the aforementioned weeds as they are insidious little bastards. Care to venture how much money I've already spent on Roundup? No? I doubt you can count that high, anyway. Whoa, that was stone cold passive-aggressive. My apologies. Guess I'm still running a little hot over being rebuffed by Hume - thought the two of us were in this fight together. Alas, when you dare to get into the weeds, you find out who your true friends are...

TRYING TO KEEP MY LAWN IN TIP-TOP SHAPE IS BASICALLY A FULL-TIME JOB IN THE SPRING WHEN FREQUENT RAINSTORMS MEAN I'VE NOT ONLY GOT TO MOW EVERY FEW DAYS BUT KEEP A CONSTANT VIGIL FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED WEEDS AS THEY ARE INSIDIOUS LITTLE BASTARDS.

WHAT'S THE WORST JOB YOU COULD IMAGINE DOING - APART FROM ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS EVERY MONTH?

Dear News4U Editor,

First off, I absolutely love answering these questions. It gives me a chance to really see how far I can stretch this mask I wear and be the keyboard warrior I truly am. But to answer your question, no job could be worse than yours - editing my work must be like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

MICHAEL JACKSON OR PRINCE?

Dear MJ (R.I.P.),