Joke N Poke by Atul Guglani

AG Joke Book SERIES 1 With Special Thanks to Mr Pradeep Saxena. Director Hotz Industries India Mr Dick, Director , Catex Netherland.

1. PASTOR` S ASS The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was all too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE! The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. . Even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

2. Worms and Whiskey A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

3. BB King\'s Birthday Present For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tatooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed ass! She told "BB" to look. He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the fuck is BOB?"

4. New Math A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

5. GRANDMA AND THE LAWYER Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked ; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law. His practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said : "If either of you B---------s asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." 6. You shouldn\'t be doing that A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father." About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but the! re's only one problem." "What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?" ____________________________________________________________________

7. HORSE AND CHICKEN A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks! 8. SUCCESS

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is...having friends. At age 18, success is...having a driver's license. At age 20, success is...having sex. At age 35, success is...having money. At age 50, success is...having money. At age 60, success is...having sex. At age 70, success is...having a driver's license. At age 75, success is...having friends. At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

9. DEATH ROW. A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened. Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released. Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

10. Theory in Hell The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul

gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religi! ons, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell bef! ore I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I st! ill have not succeeded in having relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. This student got the only A.

11. Mad Cow Disease: A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease? The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and 8

Mad cow disease? The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day? The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad? 12. Three Lawyers and Three Engineers Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ! ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

13. FOCUS ON JOB First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attentionâ&#x20AC;Ś Moral of the story: Life is tough, but it's a lot tougher when you're stupid

14. WOMEN GOLFER Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.' She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!!! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her! However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf righthanded or left-handed ?' The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. 'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.' Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air???' She said, ..... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

15. Media and the End of the World USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

16. Customer is always right A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please f find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple

17. Wonderful definitions of designations at office: 1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. 2) Tool Designer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. 3) Plant Head is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. 5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. 6) Value engineering Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. 7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. 8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. And lastly................. 9) Quality Inspector is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

18. With Jesus Now Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today." "What?" his father replied. "When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

19. A Small Step for Man When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski." For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 20. Some rules cannot be followed A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office. "What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

21. Indefinitely A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely! ________________________________________________________________ 22. TRUE STORY, JAPAN PM A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US: A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.." Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

23. NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talking' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

24. A Million Bucks Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. 17

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

25. GM vs Microsoft At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor! want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately! cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------26. Microsoft Help. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign in large letters - WHERE AM I?" People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, found his directions, and flew to Seattle airport safely.

The co-pilot asked How did you manage to find your way?. Pilot said "I knew that tall building had to be MICROSOFT, because they gave me an answer that was technically correct but completely useless.

27. Windows Messages The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2010: 1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN" 9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one! ? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 15. User Error: Replace user. 16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

28. New Software System MYASS. This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it ! was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

29. The Polite Way to Pee:

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.

30. A husbands true feeling A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

31. OJ\'s Charity A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have the $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "So far?....Ten gallons."

32. Will You Watch An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

33. Women's Ass Size Study There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking: 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway

34. Whorehouse A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young. Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them. After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave. Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been. "IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

35. Lost Balloonist!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don`t know where you are, or where you`re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault."

36. Gender of computers A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. The have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, c! oncluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

37. Little Bobby

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday. Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. ************ ** Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby ************ ** Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over. ************ ** Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like A red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Bobby ************ ** Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. ************ ** Letter 3 Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby ************ ** Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter. ************ ** Letter 4 God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby ************ ** Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he

wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God. ************ ** Letter 5 God, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

38. Five Floors A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued u! p. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

39. Three Caves In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was. The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied." The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No o! ne emerged from the cave. Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"

40. New Boots Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

41. Alligator\'s Mouth A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a! try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

42. Speeding Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route nu! mber, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

43. DONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T DISGRACE YOUR FAMILY

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, ! I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

44. Marry a Rich Man A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy? I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on 33

the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough. I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym) 2) Which age group should I target? 3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys 4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married) Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy: Dear Ms. Pretty, I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k

annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool. Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me... signed, J.P. Morgan

45. Blonde mail call A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

46. Stranded on a desert island A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone. The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

47. Three blondes and a wish There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

48. Dog in heat A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you." Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home." _____________________________________________________________________________

49 .MODERN GUYS There are sitting in a pub a youngster with coloured hair, a rooster cam, iron in ears and eyes, tattoos all around in different colours and an older man. The older man watching him and the youngster is asking him if he did not extreme things when he was young. The older guy thinking and said: yes, when I was young I was ONCE so drunk that I screwed a parrott and[ now looking at you: you could be most probably my son.......

50. Performance Vs Position.

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?" "Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed." Moral of the story : It's Performance, Not Position, that Counts? ************************************************************************

51. MOTHER OF SIX A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." ________________________________________________________________________

52. Three tough mice Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am." I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar. The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?" The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

53. Lay you off An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid of one member of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people: Mary and Jack. The decision was hard to make as they were both equally senior, equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go. Mary came in the next day and was dreadfully hungover - she had really been partying the night before. She went over to the water fountain to get some water, so she could take some aspirin, when the executive approached her and said, "Mary, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."

54. The Little Boy A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet ," says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, " Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

55. SWOT ANAYLSIS

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis. He said, my strength is my wife. My weakness is my neighbours wife. Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out. Threat comes when I myself go out 56. Tennis Elbow One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

57. Beware when Arguing with children.... ... One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing abeat, or loo king up from herdrawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead." A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my > head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..

" "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------58. A Huge Paul McCartney Fan A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted. He says: "OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart". She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work. "Who the heck's that?" she says. "It's Paul McCartney", he replies. "Doesn't look like him at all" says she. "Now get it right or I'll report you". So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good. The woman is pissed off "No way that's Paul Mccartney" she says. "It bloody well is" says the man. "Listen I'll get a second opinion" He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist. The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)... "Tell me who the hell you think that is". The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), "I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson"!

59. Artificial Insemination A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

60. I Know the Answer, Sir While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

61. MBA vs Engineer A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Economically there are mass scale of stars in the sky . So "Economy of Scale " would be the ideal strategy in that market. Strategically such market would be a volume driven market Financially it would be a low margin market. From HR point of view we would require huge manpower What does it tell you?" The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks."Practically"...Someone has stolen our tent".

62. HARRY POTTER A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! Ithink I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Brooks had . She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut" Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: "Bubblegum" Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose" Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

63. Not Talking to Each Other A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!" ________________________________________________________________

64. Lonely Lady Advertisment. ---There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

65. A Brave French Fighter Pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

66. Number 710 What's a 710? Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and >> asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up And asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course it's right there." Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

67, A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in." He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven. Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven. Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

68, Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh

forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

69. One year of love - a letter from a husband to his wife. TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just lay there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move Wife`s Reply TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.+ 70. The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1...What are you thinking about? 2...Do you love me? 3...Do I look fat? 4...Do you think she is prettier than me? 5...What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth). As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a...Oh Yeah, crap

loads. b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c...That depends on what you mean by love. d...Does it matter? e...Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a...Compared to what? b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c...A little extra weight looks good on you. d...I've seen fatter. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a...Yes, but you have a better personality. b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d...Define pretty. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

71. I'm much too young to die! (Lawyers-Liars) A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

72. Male/Female Definitions THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and

male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

73. What Men Really Mean Men say = Men really mean I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you. What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex? I love you. = Let's have sex now. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay. 74. The Bathtub test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

75. White as a Ghost Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough." He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he 58

suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"

76. New Words for the 2009 s Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in." Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.") Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

77. Pregnant wife of 90 Yrs Old. A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion. "Exactly" Said the Doc.

78. Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitute. A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.. SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination. Drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough,there is a third.. SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and then she leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign... "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

79. Meeting the future in-laws: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" 80 Desert Outpost A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

81. Presence of Mind John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do. John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?" John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager. John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there." "My wife is from Mexico," the manager said. John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

82.. Intelligent Blonde I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "... And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

83. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward

this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually went back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

84. CHILD BRITH PAINS A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy b aby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

85. Managers Vs Engineers Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape. They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess. An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to

end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away. After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs â&#x20AC;Ś "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!" Moral : No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you

86. Who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy? During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting: Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week. Narayan: oh! Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell? Narayan: No Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this. The next day, the same discussion took place: Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this. The next day, once again: Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

87. Blonde on first class On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just s! ay so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

88. The blonde and the cute sheep Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I ha! ve my dog back?"

89. Voracious Appetite A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu. When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples. When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it. Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...

My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!"

90. $400.00 A Night! A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free." A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

91. Crazy Parrot A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .." "Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't

you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know f I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the man. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."> "WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"> "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"> "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

92. Some More Heights HEIGHT OF POVERTY : Wife stiching husband's condom. HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE : A girl applying clearsil to her nipples thinking they are pimples. HEIGHT OF AMBITON : An ant climbing on the leg of elephant with a motive of rape. HEIGHT OF PATIENCE : A guy standing in a Queue to f**k his own wife.

93. A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference for an organization: Last week, I took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter, who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed! After consuming my soup, I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So when he came to take away our soup bowls, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

He lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the rest room. By tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.' 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

94.

India and Pakistan Dog Fight.

India and Pakistan recently realized that, if they continued political tension, they would some day end up destroying each other. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dog fight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule Kashmir. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.. The Pakistanis found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Indians showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Indians. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Pakistani camp. The bookies predicted that Pakistan would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Pakistani dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Indian dog, the dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Pakistani beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Pakistanis approached the Indians, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine." "Really?" the Indians replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund".

95.

Great One Liners

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

96. Prayers of the Parrots A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with

my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

97. Teenager Today A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life? A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said... All I want out of life is four little animals The teacher asked, Really and what four little animals would that be sugar? The little girl said... A mink on my back, A jaguar in the garage, A tiger in bed And a jackass to pay for all of it... The Teacher Fainted. 98. Diary of MBA July 26th I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!! And I like it already. "Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation. "What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy... Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favourite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I will handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC. July 28th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn't know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one. I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication. The phone doesn't work though... August 2nd ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the plant. Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am going to be famous. August 7th My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula. It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA... Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It

has to be in whole numbers. August 11th I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering. They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings. I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm. (That OD book is good) August 14th I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet. They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that... P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can't be changed now. I don't have too much space left in my cupboard. August 25th My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!! Where's natural justice? Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee machine and tipped coffee

powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything. P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think. Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia... September 2nd My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!! That should be some sort of company record. I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!" p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC. September 4th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa . I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana. P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!! September 5th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...

99. Best Quotes 1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it. 3 Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitudeâ&#x20AC;Ś! Keep on rocking! 4. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!! 5. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die! 6. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles! 7. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure! 8. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends! 9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else! 10. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

100 . End Jokes . A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED. =============================================

Three FASTEST means of Communication: 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell A Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE. ============================================ Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says: we should KILL him. Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR. ===================================== If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life. ================================== Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE? Answer: On their MARRIAGE. ==================================== When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

======================== Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women? As per Constitution , you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake..

GLIMPSES OF THE NEXT AG JOKE BOOK, Series -2 ( . Expected release June 2009. ) FUNNY PICS, CARTOONS, SEXTOONS, COMICS AND MORE.

LOTS MORE FUN COMING YOUR WAY, BOOK YOUR COPY NOW.