LEFT the NEST
a guide on what to do when your birds are gone
by AUBREE SCHLEPP
TABLE of CONTENTS
C Intro..................................................................page 3 The First Step................................................page 4 The Do's & Don't's........................................page 5 Keep in Touch...............................................page 6 The Ole' Bucket List....................................page 7 Chchch-changes...........................................page 8 Fall in Love Again........................................page 9 Proud................................................................page 10 Make the Grade...........................................page 11
so, you're an empty nester? If your last child is all grown up and about to leave home – or he or she has already moved out – you might be experiencing some mixed emotions. Understand why empty nest syndrome happens and what you can do about it. Empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. Instead, empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home. Although you might actively encourage your children to become independent, the experience of letting go can be painful. You might find it difficult to suddenly have no children at home who need your care. You might miss being a part of your children’s daily lives — as well as the constant companionship. You might also worry intensely about your children’s safety and whether they’ll be able to take care of themselves on their own. In the past, research suggested that parents dealing with empty nest syndrome experienced a profound sense of loss that might make them vulnerable to depression, alcoholism, identity crisis and marital conflicts. However, recent studies suggest that an empty nest can also provide parents with many benefits. When the last child leaves home, parents have a new opportunity to reconnect with each other, improve the quality of their marriage and rekindle interests for which they previously might not have had time. If your last child is about to leave home and you’re worried about empty nest syndrome, plan ahead. Look for new opportunities in your personal and professional life. Keeping busy or taking on new challenges at work or at home can help ease the sense of loss that your child’s departure might cause. 3
the FIRST STEP
S
Hi, my name is
(insert name here)
and I'm an empty nester.
Okay, so it’s maybe not quite like that. Becoming an empty nester can be difficult though, and you may feel like you need to go through a 12-step program to be able to survive. I’m hoping for your sake that you don’t, though. According to psychologists, mourning the fact that your child has moved out and accepting the change is the hardest step. Don’t let these feelings and thoughts take over. “You need to be able to grieve that role you’ve had as a parent,” says Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services. “You want your parenting voice to get some time to speak, and then give voice to the other part of you that’s relieved to be over the noise and the texting and the crazy schedules.” This new stage of your life can bring about a lot of new things. But following these simple steps can turn you from a life without children to the life of the party again in no time.
Acknowledge your feelings
Redefine yourself
Strengthen your relationships
Celebrate! 4
C the
DOS &DON'TS
C
doCelebrate the fact that your house no longer looks like an
episode of hoarders. Not that Junior and Sally are gone you don’t have to worry about backpacks, piles of clothes or empty dishes being everywhere.
don't Rush to change Junior or Sally’s bedrooms into your man cave or craftroom. They will come back to visit ya know!
doKnow that it’s normal to be sad. Let yourself cry when you need to. It’s hard letting your child go when they’ve been hanging around your house for the last 18 years.
don't Sit around all day in your pajamas and cry into a gallon of
Ben and Jerrys while you watch old home videos. That’s just embarrassing.
doCall your son or daughter to check up and see how they’re
doing. They’ll want to hear the comforts of your voice just as much as you do theirs.
don't Blow up their phone by calling them 14 times and leaving
them 6 voicemails (unless it’s an emergency, then do that.) By calling them continuously you may be preventing them from growing and creating their own life.
doFind a support system if you’re having an especially hard
time with Junior and Sally being gone. This can mean talking to your best friend, another parent who has experienced this, a therapist or even an online support group.
don't Become depressed. There are so many opportunities for you
now that you don’t have schools plays or soccer games every night of the week. Go to that concert you’ve been wanting to go to, start volunteering or find a new hobby - the possibilities are endless!
5
KEEP in TOUCH Just because you’re children no longer live at home doesn’t mean that you stop being their parent. You will undoubtedly miss your child, and your child will undoubtedly miss you. But with these tips, staying in contact with them is easier than ever. – Facebook If you’re lucky
and Junior are making and
enough to be friends with your all the new activites they are child on Facebook, a quick
participating in. Just keep the
message or wall post is only a
more personal information in
click away. Facebook is a great a message, not a wall post for way to see the friends Sally – Cell phones Send them a
them know that you are
daily text just to let them know
thinking of them without the
that you love them and wish
embarrassment of a 45 minute
them a good day. This will let
conversation in the cafeteria.
– Skype Schedule weekly skype
to speak. Just try not to harp
dates. This is more personal
on them too much when you
than a phone call and lets you
see their messy room in the
see your child face to face, so
background.
– Snail Mail Take the
getting mail and it’s a great
send them a hand-written
Andrew Jackson into a
old-fashioned route and letter. Students love
6
the whole world to see.
excuse for you to drop an sentimental card.
While your child is away and growing and learning on their own, it’s sometimes best to look at yourself as the parental consultant, if you will, instead of the 24/7 motherly manager. While you can’t be there to help them make every decision they encounter, you can be there to give loving advice to help guide them in the right direction.
the ole'
BUCKET LIST You know that bucket list that you’ve always wanted to
finish? Or maybe even start in some cases? Well now’s your chance! Check out these ideas.
travel K book a cruise
go to a country you’ve never been to before travel across the United States in an RV see the great barrier reef
adventure K skydive
bungee jump take a hot air balloon ride ride a camel in the desert
hobby K learn a new language take an art class
hola
learn how to sew volunteer at a shelter
treat yourself K go to a 5-star restaurant enjoy a day at the spa host a party go to a rock concert 7
D CHCHCH-CHANGES Knowing that your children are off experiencing a new life should encourage you to do the same! Gone are the days of carpooling, slumber parties and after school sporting events. Moving from the suburbs, downsizing from your mini-van to a more efficient car and even going back to work are all ways you can improve your lifestyle after Junior and Sally are gone. Read about some other ways empty nester’s improved their lifestyle.
“
“I got a dog once all my children left the house. It helps fill the void of having an empty home.” – Pamela Morgan, Big Spring, Texas
“Now that both of our children are in college my husband and I travel whenever we want. If we feel like going to Arizona for the weekend, we’ll go to Arizona for the weekend! – Terri Robertson, Chicago, Illinois “I have found myself baking a lot more, redecorating my home and taking care of the yard. Since my daughter left I don’t cook dinner as much but I love baking muffins and other goodies.” – Michelle Detzel, St. Louis, Missouri “My husband and I spend more time with friends, go out to dinner and take shopping trips. I also cook a lot more since we don’t have picky eaters in the house.” – Deb Warren, St. Louis, Missouri “My wife and I take care of our family’s pets and I now have time to make all those home improvements that I’ve been telling her I’d do for the past 10 years.” – Bob Miller, St. Louis, Missouri
8
lll
“
J
FALL in L OV E...AGAIN J J It’s not as weird as it sounds, trust me. Being alone again with a spouse can be hard and you may face challenges that you never had before with children in the house. That’s okay – raising children can make you forget how in love you are with your husband. Take time to talk this out with your husband or wife and decide how you want to treat this next chapter of your life. If issues are present, seeking a couples therapist is not out of the question. Know that this can be a hard time on both of you and accept that this is a transition time. You and your spouse have both changed over the years and discovering each others’ new selves can be exciting. However, don’t forget to recall on what makes you love each other and what life was like before children.
re-dating 101
{
“
– Go on a double date
– Recreate your first date
– Set goals together
– Have a game night
– Take a trip together
– Take a trip together
– Start a hobby together
– Go to a museum or zoo
– Try a new restaurant
– Look at old scrapbooks
My husband and I plan romantic dates for each other and have started volunteering at our church. We love visiting our children, but we also love our time together” – Valissa Smith, Kansas City, Kansas
“
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PROUD \'praud\ adj. W : feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated. While it’s true that you need time to cope, don’t forget to reflect on all that you’ve done over the past eighteen years. Your child wouldn’t be who they are if it weren’t for your stellar parenting skills. All the arguements and late nights spent worrying about them are soon forgotten when you see how well they are doing on their own. Remember that your son or daughter isn’t moving away from you — they are moving toward his/her own life. That is something you should be proud of and admire. You contributed to their growth! Research is confirming what many mothers have been discovering—that “empty nest” syndrome isn’t so empty after all. These days, the classic description of lingering depression, apathy, and loss of identity (“Who am I if I’m not taking care of the if I’m not taking care of the kids?”) is no longer typical. “Our mothers talked mainly about their pride and joy in watching their kids make this transition and the relief they felt in seeing the fruits of their labor realized,” says Christine M. Proulx, PhD, a University of Missouri professor whose 2008 study found that mothers took their children’s departure no harder than fathers. This is your time to watch your pride and joy become their own person. Be proud of the child you have raised and when they are capable of accomplishing because of you. You have instilled in them the skills and knowledge they need to succeed, so now you can kick back and maybe even brag about Junior or Sally to all of your friends.
10
MAKE the GRADE 1. Studies have shown that kids who go off to college are emotionally ____ past students a) immature compared with b) closer to their parents than c) more distant from their parents than 2. Can pets experience empty nest syndrome? a) yes b) no c) only the first time your child leaves
U
3. The average college student trades messages or speaks to his or her parents ____ times a week a) 3 b) 7 c) 13 4. What is a helicopter parent? a) a parent that is too involved in a college student’s life b) someone to enjoys helicopter ride c) one who vacations frequently 5. Parents should be _____ their college children’s lives. a) ignorant of b) consultants for c) supervisors of 6. What’s the best way for empty nesters to get through the transition? a) take a trip b) remodel the house c) prepare their children for adulthood ANSWERS
1. B
2. A
3. C
4. A
5. B
6. C
N
11
fly on, free nesters