DEBATE ISSUE 07 | APRIL 2016
CREDITS PUBLISHED BY
EDITOR Laurien Barks lbarks@aut.ac.nz SUB - EDITORS Amelia Petrovich Julie Cleaver DESIGNER Ramina Rai rrai@aut.ac.nz CONTRIBUTORS Julie Cleaver, Chantelle Cullen, Shivan, Amelia Petrovich, Nigel Mckenzie-Ryan, Robert Vennell, Sheetal Samy, Daniel Vernon, Lara Posa, Tyler Hinde ADVERTISING Harriet Smythe hsmythe@aut.ac.nz
Contributions can be sent to lbarks@aut.ac.nz
PRINTER Debate is printed lovingly by Soar Print Debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.
CONTENTS Pg 4 Editor’s Letter
Pg 12 21st Century Romance
Pg 25 21 Things about
Pg 6 SRC Sez
Pg 14 Advice
Being 21
Pg 7 AUT Sport
Pg 16 Struggling Strength
Pg 26 CYG: Legen-Dairy
Pg 8 Canoeing Down a
Pg 18 Cool Shit
Pg 32 Comic
River? Wai Not.
Pg 20 3am Thoughts
Pg 34 Reviews
Pg 10 Life is Too Short for
Pg 21 Rate Debate Feedback
Pg 36 Puzzles
Pg 22 Forgotten Flora
Pg 38 Recipe
Bad Coffee DISCLAIMER
Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, Soar Print or its subsidiaries.
AUSM.ORG.NZ
Cover illustration by Tyler Hinde FA C E B O O K . C O M / A U S M D E B AT E
So, I’m not enough of a Beyoncé fan to know the backstory to this lil hint she gave fans about “Becky” in her latest album. Apparently her and Jay-Z were having some trouble, with rumours of infidelity floating about. I don’t know. My ignorance when it comes to the Queen is astounding – I have nothing against her, I think she’s pretty cool, I think she’s important for a number of reasons – but I, personally, don’t identify with her enough to cart around a brain full of Bey knowledge But guys…even I know Rachael Ray shares none of the blame for Jay-Z’s alleged affair. I’m sorry, but this has been the most hilarious mix-up I’ve seen in a while. In an enraged, and undoubtedly sleep-deprived state, Beyoncé fans went on a man hunt for the woman who’s rumoured to have cheated with Jay-Z, Rachael Roy. A few typos later, and beloved homely TV chef, Rachael Ray has come under fire for breaking up Beyoncé’s marriage. I honestly can’t stop giggling about the fact that no one took enough time out of their rampage to really consider if Rachael Ray makes the most sense as a target here.
EDITOR’S LETTER Welcome back everyone! I sincerely hope you enjoyed and made the most of your break. It’s always a blessing and a curse when students are away from campus for a couple weeks. Yes, I miss the energy bringing AUT to life, giving us a reason and sense of purpose when it comes to what we do every day. But it’s also nice not having the lot of you hogging spaces in the park n ride – so, pros and cons. After a week of teary tributes to one of music’s greatest legends, I can say I was really enjoying seeing the internet come together. A tragic loss, but a beautiful collective grieving – I spent a week learning about Prince’s life, listening to his music, watching tribute performances, and reading about how he had influenced other artists and his fans. It was a good week to be online. I really thought this week, due to its inevitable decrease in musical covers and heartfelt declarations, would let me down, news-wise. Boy, was I wrong. Cue Beyoncé.
I mean, I’m not saying Rachael Ray is incapable of making mistakes. I know you can never really tell what secrets a person is hiding. But…guys…her first Instagram photo is of a steak salad with the hashtag “#delicious”. Her second insta photo is of her dog…named ‘Isaboo’. Do we really think Isaboo’s steak-salad-with-“BBQ potato chips for crunch”-making mum really wedged herself between one of Hollywood’s biggest power couples? She’s far too busy winning stomachs with game-day dips and chicken wings to worry about making sausage rolls with Jay-Z. Maybe I wouldn’t find it so funny if I’d stumbled across more disturbing comments hurled at Rachael Ray than what I have so far: “Oh I loved hot chicken fajitas but I will never make them again after what you did you did to the Queen.” “I bet that’s exactly what you were whipping up in Jay-Z’s kitchen while Beyoncé was out performing” – about a steak sandwich “Would the second plate be for Jay-Z? We all know Black Men loves chicken” – said about a picture of pork. With hate like that swirling around, I’m glad, for Rachael Ray’s sake, that this mistake has been sussed. But it was an entertaining few hours while it lasted. Thanks for the laughs, Beyhive. You’re the real MVPs. Have a good week, Laurien
SRC
Kia Ora, Talofa You may recognize me as the girl that lead you all the way down to WT during orientation and then helped you get your Wi-Fi sorted during O-Week. As you can tell, I like helping people sort themselves out here at AUT, regardless of what time it is in the year. As a third-year in Medical Laboratory Science, I like to think I have a bit of experience now, and I’m all about spreading the knowledge around. As your representative for Faculty of Health and Environmental Sciences this year,I want to extend a great welcome to all new and returning students and wish them all the best for this year. Feel free to ask me any questions at hesfacultyrep@aut.ac.nz. In the mean time, ask questions, go talk to that person in your class, join a club, start a club if you feel like we’re missing one. University is going to be hard, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun on the side. All the best! Justice
JUSTICE Malaitai-Cameron Hey Everyone! You have made an excellent decision choosing AUT for your tertiary education. University is made out to be some difficult and never-ending workload that you will be forever chasing throughout the years of your degree. So much so, that you will be up til late hours in the evening and consuming countless amounts of caffeine. But, there is a simple way to get through it. My name is Jake, I am a third year BBus student and your AuSM Student Rep for the Business Faculty for 2016. When I started my degree two and a bit years ago, I had moved from the windy capital of our beautiful country to the city of sails! Not only was I in a new city, I was working part time and starting my university degree. At a time when a lot was going on... I discovered the importance of checklists and prioritising. University is a time for learning, a time for fun and a time for development. Yes you will have a mountain of assignments... study and exams, but that is all part of the experience. Create a list, prioritise that list and tick things off your list as you complete them. You will be amazed with how much spare time you will have. Don’t forget to get involved outside of the classroom, the experience of university is for most, a once in a lifetime one. Make the most of it! Lastly, don’t forget to look to the future, where do you want to be in 10 years? Channel that desire into your studies to drive you when you feel like giving up. Feel free to contact me anytime at the email in your free AuSM diaries.
JAKE BARKER
Have a great week, Jake
AUT Sport Wrap Up
The mid semester break has been a busy one for AUT Sport from winning national titles to braving the cold on the water in Twizel. Here’s a wrap up from the holiday action. First up on the University and Tertiary Sport (UTSNZ) calendar was the National Futsal Championships held at Arena Manawatu in Palmerston North. AUT was represented by our Men’s Futsal team who travelled down to Palmerston North to compete for the National title as well as their chance to represent New Zealand at the World Championships in Goiana, Brazil in July. The AUT team faced tough games in pool play and were unlucky in games against Waikato and the University of Auckland. These two losses meant the AUT boys had to face top seed and tournament favourite, Victoria in the semi-finals. Despite some of the most skilful play of the tournament from AUT players captain Myron Manickum, Elliot Cooper, Renta Yamamoto , and Morgan Borrett, the AUT team was unable keep Victoria at bay going down 5-1. The result saw AUT finishing fourth overall, and Victoria progressed to the final were they defeated Waikato University 4-3. The AUT Women’s team were in action on Thursday 21 April at Massey Albany where they faced the University of Auckland in their National final playoff game. The AUT Women’s team were looking to defend their 2015 title and their chance represent New Zealand at the World Championships in Brazil. The AUT team went in as favourites but the UoA team was not going down without a fight. Through some classy play from AUT strong holds Dayna Manak, and Jess Verdon, as well as excellent defending from GK Rivalina Fuimaono, the team took the title winning 6-4. The team selected to represent New Zealand will be announced shortly. The AUT Rowing team were in action over ANZAC weekend at the New Zealand Rowing Championships in Twizel.
The AUT were a small but strong team of 20 rowers, including New Zealand U23 team members Cameron Webster, Lucy Jonas, and Lexi Kerr. The South Island is known for its chilly temps and beautiful autumn scenery at this time, and this year was no exception with winds cancelled the last races of the regatta. Despite this it was a great weekend on water and the AUT team came away with some fantastic results. AUT results were as follows: 1st Women’s Champ double (Lucy Jonas, Lexi Kerr), 1st Women’s Intermediate 4 (Laura Perry, Ellie Jeurissen, Zoe Winks, Michelle Murphy, and Kate Leaming – Cox), 1st Women’s Intermediate Lightweight double (Lucy Jonas and Laura Perry), 2nd Women’s Intermediate Singles (Zoe Winks), 3rd Women’s Intermediate 8 (Laura Perry, Ellie Jeurissen, Zoe Winks, Michelle Murphy, Caitlin Nugent, Molly Dagger, Danielle Hewett, Divashni Kumar, and Kate Leaming – Cox) Lastly, the inaugural University Women’s Rugby Sevens tournament was also held over ANZAC weekend at the Waikato University Rugby grounds in Hamilton. Teams had the chance to compete for the National Title and their chance to be selected to represent New Zealand at the World Championships in Swansea. The AUT Team started strongly with a 21-5 win over UoA in their first game. The AUT Women went onto face tough competition from Waikato, Massey, and Victoria University, and finished 1st overall in the competition. A special mention to Savannah Purcell and Briar McNamara who were selected in the tournament team to represent NZ Universities in Swansea later in the year. Coming up next with AUT Sport: Interfaculty Basketball – starts 5 May Interfaculty Volleyball – Tuesday 10 May UTSNZ Table Tennis – Saturday 21 May UTSNZ Badminton – Sunday 22 May
Canoeing down a river? Wai not. Julie Cleaver Large cliffs covered in dark green trees stood on either side of the river. Only a small passage of water kept the hills apart, making the murky liquid beneath my canoe move with haste, as if it were being squeezed out of the valley. I pulled my paddle through the silky brown water for the one-thousandth time, propelling my vessel along further with each tiresome stroke. The ore rubbed into my raw, blistered hands, making them bleed and crack continuously. This is the Wanganui River – my painful, tedious and breathtaking home for three long days over the Easter weekend. The first day was definitely the hardest. We woke up at 6am after a long, traffic-filled drive the day before and packed our stuff into a few watertight barrels. We strapped them into our canoes, climbed into our seats (two people per boat), and then rowed away with the current. We paddled for seven hours past waterfalls, caves, and wild goats munching away on the riverbanks. When we finally saw our campsite for the night we pulled in, tied up our boats, and carried our barrels up a massive hill (which was the hardest part of the day). We set up camp then sat around sipping well-deserved alcoholic beverages and chowing down delicious and convenient meals. That night we found glowworms and enjoyed the bright lights nature had to offer. The next day was a mundane repetition of the first one. We paddled, saw waterfalls, caves and goats, and then rowed into somewhere new to set up base. Thankfully this campsite had a bit more to offer than the last one, and having a hot shower was a welcome surprise and morale booster.
The light was fading and everyone was drinking and chatting. I went back to my tent to look for a jumper and fell asleep during my search. The morning sun shined into my unzipped tent fourteen hours later, waking me up from a much-needed slumber.
We paddled for seven hours past waterfalls, caves, and wild goats munching away on the riverbanks. The last day was supposed to be the most fun, as apparently gnarly rapids were ahead. The people we rented the canoes off said 50 percent of people fall out on this day, which got us all excited and nervous. But unfortunately the boat owners were only fear mongering as the “rapids” were about as rough as floating over a lumpy mattress. But it was still a great day and the satisfaction of finishing was exhilarating enough. I drove home that night with achy muscles, ripped up hands, and a deep appreciation for the substance of water. Gentle enough to glide a paddle through yet strong enough to hold up our boat, water is an extremely spectacular element that I was grateful to connect with. My journey itself was actually a bit like water: tough and beautiful, yet undeniably nourishing.
L I F E I S TO O S H O R T FOR BAD COFFEE by Chantelle Cullen Illustartion by Tyler Hinde I wish I could say coffee makes the world go around, but it’s just for the people who spend their lives working like crazy. It’s for the workers who have full time hobbies outside of work, it’s for the students who want to socialize and make the most of being young whilst getting good grades, and it’s for the people who work full time at a job that makes them miserable.
Smart phones have been developing over the last few years to help you plan your day to be more air tight with events, and have the ability to get out of a proper social interaction thanks to instant messaging. Between the ever-rising popularity of coffee, and the new developments in phones, I feel as though we are way too busy in this fast-paced society for a bunch of anti-social people.
The things I see on the train to university are enough to make me fully understand this. I might sit there with my headphones in, ignoring the person sitting next to me and trying to avoid an old high school ‘friend’, but I do like to keep open to looking at my surroundings instead of looking at my phone for the entire trip. It makes you notice things really, like how many people look so dead and bored in a world that can be so alive and exciting. I live for the day that I don’t feel like I
require my daily dose of caffeine to really wake up. I just want to be able to get out of bed and look forward to work or university. As much as I do find my degree fascinating and wonderful to learn, I haven’t found a day yet that has made me want to leap out of bed. The downside to having such strong influences of coffee and technology in our lives is that the after effects are negative. I am unsure about you, but using my phone all the time has made me feel lonelier. I am an extrovert naturally, so loneliness is most certainly not the best thing to be dealing with in some of my most stressful years of my life. Caffeine on the other hand has become an addiction (I told myself I wouldn’t let it be!). It’s not a bad addiction, every day I find myself craving it, which ends up worse for my wallet more than anything. I always am asking myself: why do we put ourselves through such high amounts of stress, when all we get out of it is exhaustion? The answer is that we think that’s what life is supposed to be like. My generation was brought up with playing outside, and now, live our lives through Facebook profiles. I personally feel as though we have been bred to believe that the only way to find happiness and friendship is to be the best of the best in what we do, to feel the need to save for our future, and not for our present.
We use our time on this planet working long weekends and night shifts so we can pay off as much of our student debt as we can before we finish university. We spend our day time dreaming of what we want to be. We use our sleeping time to get our work done for the job we don’t really need.
As much as I do find my degree fascinating and wonderful to learn, I haven’t found a day yet that has made me want to leap out of bed. Time is spent on things we don’t understand and people we don’t really like. We only live one life, why should we spend our present at a job that makes us feel terrible, just so we can have an average reference for a job in our future? Why should we just text our friends how much we love them, and spend our social time trying to get complete idiots to love us? Why do we spend so much on smart phones that take us further away from the people and things we really love? Studying in a degree that takes up more time than is necessary, and is
mostly spent on a computer in a dark room, finding time to be spontaneous is difficult. I do envy people who can go away for weekends, or actually finish a book in a week. It has taken me till I had a complete meltdown at the end of last week to really realize how much time I spend saying ‘I can have fun after I graduate’, when I can have fun now with things I enjoy. Be spontaneous with the time you have left. Whether it’s a small trip to a café you have never been to before, or it’s a full on trip overseas. Say hello to the next person you sit next to on the train, they might just be open for a lovely conversation. Keep your headphones out so you can really admire the sounds and scenery around you. Smile at your old high school friend, they might have changed in the past 3 years since you last saw them. Life can be truly wonderful if you open your heart to it in person, and not via social media. Take your time to enjoy the people and things that you truly love in life. What’s the point in buying a coffee from the local café when you don’t even get the chance to really enjoy it? Life is way too short for bad coffee on the run.
21 Century Romance st
Shivan What was considered romantic in the old days, I guess would be considered as stalking in the 21st century. The idea of someone standing outside your room throwing rocks at your window and you running to your windowsill to find him or her holding up a boom box outside your house playing your favourite trashy romantic tunes, does seem very stalker-ish. For me personally, anybody outside my house after 9pm trying to get me attention from bad singing would definitely not put me in the right mood. However, I can say from experience that there is definitely a shift in the idea of romance. Before it was all about the idea of getting ready in your best evening dress, attending a social gathering where you could sift out a potential group of suitors to dance with, and maybe by the end of the night one of them would lead to a next date. However, this is now been replaced with you sitting in bed at 12 am in your pyjamas, swiping left or right to find some catfish who might be the love of your life. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many successful relationships from Tinder, but as humans, I believe we are getting lazy or probably just don’t have the time for a traditional romance anymore. I believe this generation is still in the phase of figuring out the boundaries between technology and romance. Before technology, we used to set a date and would look forward all week to meet that special someone, however having the ability of instantly communicate has increased expectations of such communications. The uses of Tinder and similar apps cuts out all the bullshit and lets the other person know what your intentions are and what you are looking for, which does save a lot of time. Even though the idea of romance has changed over the past few decades, it doesn’t mean that we still don’t try and keep the idea alive, even if it’s in the way we dress. Last year, attending the AUT rookie show, this designer Tia Feng caught my attention as her clothes came down the runway. It’s the pure definition of the 21st Century Romantic in my opinion, intricately crafted ruffles and bows created a dramatic silhouette. I knew I had to shoot this piece when I saw it.
Shot & Styled by: Yours Truly @gathum (www.gathum.co.nz) Model: Polena @UniqueModelManagement H & M by: @MadeupbyRuth Clothes by: Tia Feng (@thisistiafeng)
Sass-quatch and Sky can hardly contain their excitement when it comes to giving you guys advice. If you’ve got something troubling you, whether it be uni, flatmates, or that weird recurring rash, they’d like to help you out. Feel free to leave your anonymous questions in the side of our little red mag stands, or email them to lbarks@aut.ac.nz. Just make sure you address the right advisor so we know who to pass it along to.
Dear Sky, How do I tell my friend her boyfriend is a dick without sounding mean? He doesn’t treat her right, it’s not necessarily obvious douche moves, but sort of just side comments. He undermines her opinions. She’s a good friend and I want her to be with someone better, but she really likes him. From, Worried Friend.
Dear Worried Friend, The bitchiest thing about life is that you really have no control over what other people do. I know you know this and probably do not want to hear this, but it’s reality. In saying that, you are always allowed to give your opinion. However, before you do ANYTHING, consider what this could do to your friendship. I’ve seen lifelong pals become mortal enemies over this very problem. So really think about what you say if you do desperately feel the need to say something. Also, and this is just a thought, but sometimes people act differently in front of certain people. Maybe this “dick” is really sweet to your friend behind closed doors, but does “douche moves” around other people to pump up his own shallow ego. This doesn’t make him a terrible person, just a terribly insecure person. I don’t know if this is true, but I do know people are a lot more complex then they appear at face value. I’m sure you have your friend’`s best interests at heart, and I’m not accusing you of anything here, but just consider whether this issue is between you and this guy, not your friend and this guy. Perhaps you just don’t get along him, which is cool, but that doesn’t mean your friend shouldn’t. To be completely honest, if I were you I wouldn’t say anything directly to my friend, but I would sort of hint at the fact that I don’t get along with her boyfriend. Call me passive aggressive, but it lets you sort of speak your mind without damaging people in the process. Try not to break any hearts, especially not yours. With love, Sky
AS K
SKY T HE S T UDE NT Sky is a fellow student who really seems to have uni figured out. She’s kind, real, and has first hand experience is a lot of issues y’all are facing, yourselves.
Hey Sass-quatch, I feel like I need a bit of tough love to get my head back in the game. I have a girlfriend and she’s mean but we’ve been dating a while and recently I’ve been wanting to spend more time with my boys than her. I’m kinda like, should I be feeling bad about that? She’s my bae, but also I can’t just be ditching my squad heaps, I think that’s all good during the ‘honeymoon period’ but not now. From, A confused boyfriend.
Okay I’m glad you brought this up because this has actually hit on one of my biggest pet-peeves like, EVER. You asked me “should I be feeling bad about this?” Who fucking cares how you ‘should’ be feeling? If you’re hungry, does giving a crap about whether it makes sense to be hungry help your situation any more? Shit no, you’re ready to scarf down two milkshakes and a nacho stack regardless, that doesn’t change! Just identify how you’re feeling and bloody deal with the reality of that. Maybe you do feel bad, lets roll with that. Ask yourself why. Is it because you genuinely believe that spending time with your #AlphaPack over your girlfriend is wrong? Alright cool, then don’t do it you whiny bastard. Or hey, maybe you’re only feeling bad because of some “being-insularis-the-only-way-to-prove-your-love” soul crushing bullshit that you don’t actually believe in but abide by anyway. That’s dumb as fuck, live the life you want to live and deal with the ramifications. You haven’t said how your lady feels about all of this, maybe she’s actually not a selfish human and won’t mind you having a few lads nights now and again. Because not all people suck.
ASK
SASS-QUATC H Sass-quatch truly does have your best interests in mind, but they’ll tell it like it is and won’t give a shit about crushing your precious little feelings in the process. Sometimes tough love is the only way you’ll learn.
But I reckon it’s way more likely that you’re not feeling bad about this at all, I reckon maybe you know it’s basically fine to maintain friendships and romantic relationships and you’re writing to me so I can give you a pat on the back and send you on your way. Think again you sniveling pleb. You need to stop being a wussbag and front up to however you’re feeling about this. If you feel bad, deal with it. If you feel okay, deal with it. If you sort of feel a bit bad but only because you secretly feel sort of okay then deal with that too, but don’t you dare come grizzling to me expecting a free fucking moral compass. Before there can be a wrong or right, there has to be some acknowledgement of how you feel. I can’t believe you have a steady partner and haven’t learnt that yet. Loves and Bubbles Sass-quatch
Struggling Strength: Barbell Training for the Modern Social Outcast Nigel Mckenzie-Ryan
SELECTING A PROGRAM
Picture this. You’ve just got out of Batman Vs. Superman. Half your brain is still cringing about how shit Jesse Eisenberg was, but the other half is feeling selfconscious. Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, the slightly-brain damaged model who played Wonder Woman - they all had bodies that approached perfection. You look down. You see a Dark Souls shirt (or a Sherlock shirt if you’re female) covering a layer of flab. To make matters worse, out of the theatre comes your soulmate… absolutely beautiful and radiant… holding the vascular hand of Chad or Stacey Thunderballs. A grand revelation. You will never achieve your dreams with a body like this (probably). You need discipline! You need to train!
Now, the first thing you should do is choose a program. Are you annoying? Sign up for Zumba. Do you want to be massively sore and give up after two weeks? Follow a program in Muscle and Fitness. Are you looking for a fashionable, expensive cult and want to paralyse yourself? Join Crossfit. Do you want to get super skinny? Invest in heroin. Want to actually look good and lift heavy things? Get onto a strength program. No, not one from your rugby-playing cousin. Make sure it has Squat, Deadlift, Bench Press, Barbell Rows and Overhead Press. These are the only exercises anyone cares about. No-one will ask you ‘Bruh, how much do you Reverse Overhead Dumbbell Raise?’ Speaking of which, do not brag about your lifts because
1) 2)
They’re usually pathetic, No one believes you. Everyone lies and adds 20kg to their major lifts, sometimes they CAN lift this, but only with detestable form.
Pro-tip: Do Starting Strength or Stronglifts for a while to learn the basics, you will get VERY strong VERY quickly (comparatively). Change your program in about two to three months when you’re not a fat headed idiot.
AVOIDING STUPIDITY Speaking of stupidity, be careful who you trust. 95 percent of people are idiots, lift like shit, or not at all - including you. Personal trainers are mostly charlatans. The majority of their clients are fat stupid dipshits who want to get ‘toned’, ‘sculpted’
or some other marketing buzzword. The trainer gives them a ‘fun’ (read: useless) program for their clients to quit after a week when they remember how awesome Wendy’s and Woodstock Bourbon is. Do not fall for their sorcery. You may think ‘Oh, well, she’ll help me perfect my deadlift form’ and the next thing you know, BAM! You’re paying out the urethra for a glorified P.E. class with less bullying. If you do need help with your form, all the power to you, just find the largest, most Icelandic trainer you can find and book one session just so you know what good form feels like. They’ll most likely tell you what parts of your body have atrophied from years of hunching over on your crusty office chair masturbating to hentai flash games on Newgrounds. These are muscular imbalances and will shit up your form. Don’t change your whole routine to fix them, just follow a stretching routine and you’ll be gravy.
DEFYING SATAN The treachery doesn’t stop at the gym though. People like it when you’re trying to be better, just not better than them. In the context of fitness, these people are ‘Gains Goblins’. They are usually people who are closest to you. Parents, friends, partners, sometimes even gym buddies. “Larger built” people are the largest gains goblins of all (metaphorically and literally). These goblins will try and tempt you any way they can. “Here, Grandma just got out of the Critical
Burn Ward and baked you those cookies you like!” “Babe, skip the gym this once and laugh at poor people on Jeremy Kyle with me.” “Oh bro, let’s get crunnkkk, I know cheat day was yesterday but we’re gonna get so laid tonight!” Shoo the goblins; politely but firmly shoo these temptations, for one day you will pierce the heavens.
Are you looking for a fashionable, expensive cult and want to paralyse your self? Join Crossfit. EVERYONE IS CHEATING Steroids work. Very well. They’re everywhere, they can get you very muscular very quickly, and everyone you love does them. Greg Plitt, Zyzz (shut up, he did.) even Bradley Cooper. Everyone gets incredibly butthurt when you point this out. In a study I forget the name of, a subject on testosterone injections gained almost TWICE the amount of muscle as a regular lifter in the same amount of time…. without even training. Time for a case study. Kali Muscle is a Youtube Bodybuilder, ex-con and living stereotype. He’s as wide as he is tall, but he swears up and down
that he “don’t do steroids muhfucka.” (For a far too detailed look at Kali Muscle, Google ‘Chuck Basher’. Although he denies it, Kali once did Softcore Gay Porn in the early 00’s. Urgh.) The optimistically uninitiated may believe that Kali was blessed with great genetics, but his workout videos tell a different story. Kali lifts like shit. He does not perform exercise properly and thus, a lot of muscles are not used. If Kali isn’t working his muscles properly, how is he as huge as he is? Roids baby, roids. Lifters like Kali are dangerous because they convince novices they can become the size of a Dodge Ram completely naturally, which is completely false. Adjust your expectations. Building muscle is a painfully slow process, you will fuck up a lot, but it is important to keep going and to not compare yourself to others. Use steroids or don’t. Just educate yourself and don’t shoot up your family like Chris Benoit.
THE GLORIOUS FUTURE Provided you haven’t given up like a massive goddamn coward, you will be addicted to lifting heavy things within a few weeks. You’ll be feeling better than ever, your confidence will rise and a bit of body dysmorphia will have set in. Girls/ guys will have noticed you more, but like a cruel Genie’s wish, you’ll be too socially anxious to talk to them. Oh well. It’ll get better. Just remember, you will always, always be small.
COOL SHIT
WIN
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LETS GET PHYSICAL AUT has a six month gym membership to give away to readers this week. This multi-access membership entitles you access to AUT Gym City, North and South Campus. To be in to win, email lbarks@aut.ac.nz with your name, campus, and your top three workout tunes!
WIN!
GRACIOUS GOODNESS !
WIN
GET YOUR FIX We’ve got three $10 vouchers for Habitual Fix this week! They belong to the first three people who Facebook message us their name, campus, and favourite lunch.
There is nothing better than having a makeupfree face, but the first step to having skin that looks sparkling and healthy is to use a great cleanser every morning and night. Goodness Every Day Cream Cleanser (RRP $19.99 in selected Countdown, Farmers, The Warehouse and New World stores nationwide) will have your skin feeling and looking like a million dollars, ready to walk out the door every day with confidence. Debate has one tube to give away to the first person who emails lbarks@aut.ac.nz with their name, campus, and favourite beauty product.
THANKS MUM! While there are hundreds of inspirational mother figures in literature, there are many more amazing mums out there in the real world. This Mother’s Day, Penguin Random House NZ wants to celebrate them in the best way they know, through a book. And not just any book, a Penguin Classic – something many of us have grown up with. In early January, Penguin Random House put out the call to New Zealanders everywhere to send in a message to their mum which would be published in a very special book. Messages flooded in from people all over the country, from ages 8 – 80, keen to show their love and appreciation for everything their mum has done for them. The result is Thanks Mum, and it’s available for purchase in bookstores from April 20th.
Exclusive Student Rates $20 per class Come and train in our contemporary loft studio, with it’s wooden floors, exposed brick and beams. Workout on the latest Pilates Allegro Reformers.
Book now:
Online: www.reformfitness.co.nz Call/text: 027 733 6762 Email: mteden@reformfitness.co.nz
Reform Fitness 2/13 Coles Ave, Mt. Eden, Auckland
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3AM THOUGHTS Sometimes our sub-editor, Amelia Petrovich, likes to wake herself up at 3am, record the first thought that comes to her head, and share it with the world.
March 28th, 3:00am
“Elephant iris in a graveyard” I’m… I’m not sure. This is the first truly random, anarchic 3am thought I’ve had in quite some time. It isn’t the leftover sentiment of some odd dream or a misspelled version of something else, this is just pure, sleepy strangeness. I supposed the first thing to sort out is if I’m talking about flowers or eyeballs with the use of ‘iris’ there. I want to believe it’s the latter actually, just because an elephant-sized iris flower in a graveyard would be (once you got over the size of the thing which admittedly could be hard) actually pretty predictable. Flowers are at graveyards, we know this, some even grow there. Boring.
Moving on. So there is this huge elephant iris in a graveyard (any graveyard at all, go ahead and picture somewhere unspecified, I used the indefinite article), and it’s watching you. It watches over everyone who visits the graveyard actually, and the happy people going about their lives beyond the graveyard as well. I imagine this as a very ‘Eye of Sauron’ type arrangement, super foreboding and majestic looking with a weird obsession with hobbits and fucking shit up. I also think that because it’s an elephant iris specifically it would probably never forget, which makes it a pretty formidable addition to a graveyard if we’ve established and agreed that its all-seeing. Imagine it, this thing has observed all of the comings and goings of the graveyard probably for a millennia and what’s more, it remembers every single person who has past through the gates, dead and alive. It’s a shame it’s just an iris because I’d say there would be some pretty stellar yarns that thing would tell if it could. Or maybe the real tragedy would be that if it could talk it wouldn’t speak English, or even human… because it’s an iris belonging to an elephant. I’m pretty sure elephants only speak elephant to each other, they just sound like trumpets a lot which is heaps of fun but not actually all that decipherable.
I know my preoccupation with showcasing the most interesting possible version of my 3am thoughts is a little contrived and ultimately sort of shallow, but if I myself am also a sort of shallow and contrived then is what I’m doing actually the most authentic thing I could do?
Perhaps you and I shall never know the secrets of the graveyard elephant iris… but perhaps we were never intended to. There are some secrets and stories that were never meant for the ears or our flimsy, human hearts. So be it. Thus is the power and the grace of the great elephant iris.
I mean, maybe… but that sounds kind of contrived.
Also, ‘elephant iris’ sounds a lot like ‘elephantitis’, which would be a different scenario entirely.
THINGS WE LEARNED FROM OUR ‘RATE DEBATE’ SURVEY 1) Sex sells...but so does Kieran Bennett.
3) Constructive criticism has varying definitions.
What does Debate need more of? “More articles on threesomes”
Thoughts on the covers? “Least favourite - anything that’s ugly”
What was your favourite cover? “The issue that had an article on threesomes”
Do you enjoy themed issues? What themes would you like to see more of in the future? “Yes.”
What articles do you read first? “The sexiest articles, or Kieran Bennett’s satirical pieces”
What would you like to see more of? “Interesting topics”
2) Our covers are a highlight for almost everyone.
What would you like to see less of? “Dry articles”
“I love the illustrated covers, they’re a lot of the reason I like collecting issues.”
“The entire magazine sucks.”
“They are beautiful. The surfer man and Whoa Week girl are the best so far.”
4) We’re pretty damn loved!
“They’re always quality.”
“Get rid of the ‘celebrity gossip’ shit that plagues Debate. This isn’t fucking Women’s Weekly. This is a fucking university student magazine.”
“They suck. Here’s an idea for a Debate cover. Have a giant anus shitting on a group of politicians. That will boost readership.”
“Debate is a steaming pile of shit” “It’s just a waste of paper, send it to the recycling bin.”
Robert Vennell For the most part, promoting conservation in New Zealand is pretty easy. We have some of the most incredible, charismatic, cute and fluffy creatures in the world – they pretty much sell themselves. As a matter of fact, one of our birds – Sirocco the Kākāpō – went viral after shagging a cameraman’s head and has since been recognised by the New Zealand government as our Official Spokesbird for Conservation (@Spokesbird). It’s not hard for Kiwis to get excited about our rare and unique bird life – but what about our rare and endangered plants? Less fluffy and less likely to star in viral shagging videos; our rare plants receive nowhere near as much attention as their feathered counterparts. And yet they also include some of the most fascinating and bizarre life forms in New Zealand. In this article I wanted to shine a spotlight on some of these unsung botanical wonders. Many of the plants in this list are in rapid decline, some barely holding onto existence in the face of plagues of introduced pests. If we can bring the plight of these little known plants to greater awareness then we may be able to do more to stem the tide of extinction.
Wood Rose – Dactylanthus taylorii The Māori name for Wood Rose is Pua o te Reinga “The flower of the underworld” – and it’s an incredibly apt name. Its bizarre finger-like flowers emerge out of the ground like a zombie corpse, bursting from its shallow grave in search of brains. That isn’t too far from the truth actually, as it is the only fully parasitic flowering plant in New Zealand. That means it’s completely given up its ability to make its own food through photosynthesis and must leach off other plants to survive. It does this via a creepy tentacle-like appendage that penetrates the roots of its host, sucking it dry of food, water and nutrients. This withers and distorts the host root, moulding into the shape of a macabre wooden flower – the wood rose. Human collectors are one of the major threats Wood Rose, digging it up in search of these bizarre floral displays and selling them on the black market.
Cook’s Scurvy Grass – Lepidium spp. In the 1700s, scurvy was the plague of sailors everywhere - rotting out gums and causing death by bleeding out. When Captain Cook first arrived in New Zealand he collected as much Scurvy Grass as he could fit in his boat – the high Vitamin C content providing the perfect remedy for his ailing crew. Nowadays you would be hard pressed to find any Scurvy Grass along our coasts, it has been hammered by a suite of introduced pests; rats, snails, aphids, moths, cattle and fungal diseases. And yet it hangs on in a few places due to an ingenious life strategy. It thrives in the burrows and nests of sea birds which provide the perfect environment - disturbing the soil just the right amount and dumping loads of fresh fertilizer. When it’s ready to reproduce it simply glues its seeds to the birds’ feathers, providing guaranteed safe passage to the next dung-filled hovel.
King Fern - Ptisana salicina This massive sprawling fern is one of our largest and most impressive, with fronds that can reach five metres long. One of its biggest threats comes from wild pigs – these greedy predators will eat everything they can find above ground, then sniff out food below ground and eat that as well. Unfortunately for the King Fern – its other name is ‘potato fern’ due to its delicious starchy root, and pigs will tear apart the ground in search of it. This “potato” was a traditional food source for Māori, it was cultivated in gardens and regarded as a delicacy. Plant-collectors have also been captivated by the plant, but unfortunately their over-enthusiasm has led to it becoming extinct in some regions. King Fern is now mostly found in caves or on the sides of cliffs where pigs, goats, and humans can’t get to it.
Kakabeak – Clianthus spp. Kakabeak looks like Kōwhai’s forgotten evil twin brother – the cheerful bright yellow flowers being replaced with startling blood red. For Māori, these flowers resembled the beak of the forest parrot – Kākā. The plant was grown in gardens, used as gifts or bartered away in trade and is still popular in gardens today as a result of its “lobster claw” flowers and edible seeds. In the wild however, it’s a totally different story. The plant is being assaulted with extinction threats from all sides, burned by fire, starved by drought and eaten by animals. It grows in open exposed habitats
such as cliff slopes, which are very unstable and become choked out with weed species. If that wasn’t enough, weed controllers trying to protect Kakabeak have been known to spray it by mistake.
Three Kings Kaikomako - Pennantia baylisiana Three Kings Kaikomako holds the Guinness World record for being the rarest plant in the world – there is only a single tree left in the wild. Hordes of invasive goats stripped Three Kings Island bare of Kaikomako, until this single individual remained, clinging on to a steep scree slope where the goats couldn’t reach. The plant was first discovered by goat hunters in the 1940s and since then has been ravaged by storms and drought, destroying branches and even whole trunks. For all intents and purposes the plant was considered functionally extinct – with no other plants to cross with, the future was bleak. However researchers were able to induce the plant into producing seeds on its own and now it’s available around the country in garden centres.
Robert Vennell writes The Meaning of Trees, a blog about the history, use and significance of New Zealand’s native plant species. Check it out at www.meaningoftrees.com, follow on Twitter @meaningoftrees or like on Facebook /meaningoftrees
Life After Turning 21 Sheetal Samy 21 is meant to be that pivotal age that people celebrate worldwide, and it’s meant to symbolise the beginning of your adult life. So what does it mean? Why is it such a big deal? I have been told many a time that after 21, life feels like it’s moving at light speed, and before you know it, your 30. That’s… depressing. Either way here are 21 things about life after turning 21. 1. You are of age everywhere in the world. You’re extremely legal. You can go into bars anywhere. As a student, I can say alcohol eases the pain of uni. That statement made me sound like an alcoholic…Drink Responsibly, kids!
6. Learn to love your body. There are times where you might feel like your body is not great. But the best thing you can do is learn to love it because it needs some positive encouragement. 7. Take care of your health. This is the time where you should be more aware of your surroundings and things that can cause harm to your health. 8. Be ready to be an individual. It’s time do things on your own. 9. Travel. Go places you’ve always wanted to go to. After university, you might not have time to travel, so travel as much as you can now.
2. Even though it’s difficult, you should probably learn how to save money properly. I mean, you’re an adult now, you should most likely have more than 60 cents at the end of the week.
10. Start taking responsibility of your mistakes. It’s time you understand that putting the blame on other people or things is a child’s excuse and you’re an adult now.
3. Get ready to fail/get rejected. Not everyone wants to hire you. Which sucks. So get ready to accept that.
11. This is also the start of your life. Your 20s are meant to be the best time of your life, so live it up… responsibly.
4. Get ready to get lost in things. There are many benefits to losing yourself in something. Learn more about your hobbies and do things that make you feel happy and good.
12. Get ready to be broke. It is absolutely normal to have little to no money in your bank account. You need to accept it. The dream of being a millionaire by the age of 21 is not as easy as it seems.
5. Get ready for a change. After 21 everything changes, you have to basically be a chameleon and adapt to surroundings or adapt to the curveballs of life.
13. It’s okay to not know your purpose in the world. At times, you will have an existential crisis because you feel you haven’t found your place in the world.
Don’t stress, finding yourself in the world is probably one of the hardest things to do. 14. Your parents become allies. It is easy to feel like you don’t need them, but trust me, you need their help a lot of the time. So stop avoiding your mum’s calls. 15. Understand that your friend groups are bound to get smaller. 16. Savour your memories. Maybe write down memories or take photos just so you can remember them when you’re older. Your older self will thank you. 17. Make something or do something that your 30-year-old self will thank you for. 18. Hangovers become significantly worse when you’re older. Something hits you after your 21 and you are just more prone to hangovers. It’s the worst. 19. Accept the fact you’re going to be stuck in limbo. You’re old enough to know better, but too young to understand why you should bother. 20. You start to appreciate nights in so much more. Going out just becomes less appealing. 21. Enjoy the birth of your adulthood after 21.
L EGEN - DA I RY They called him an enigma, a rebel, a force of sheer destruction with an iron will. They called him a lot of things all at once; first Stuff.com and then The Herald, but I’ll always feel like it was me who knew him best. Amelia Petrovich | Illustration by @Tyraniart I am of course referring to Cool Yoghurt Guy, the lid-licking delinquent who infiltrated Symonds Street in April and will probably continue to seize all of our hearts for the rest of the year. Deep down I think everyone loves a rebel, and a rebel with a penchant for dairy products is particularly charming. But what makes me qualified to speculate about the ever-elusive CYG? Well, allow me to enlighten you. If you had gazed upon the window of Gordon Harris on Symonds Street on April 8th you would have seen a surprising setup. First, on bright yellow paper was the art store’s original attempt at Cool Yoghurtcommunication: “HEY! COOL YOGHURT GUY PLEASE STOP STICKING YOUR MEADOW FRESH YOGHURT LIDS ON OUR WINDOWS • IT IS NOT AWESOME • IT IS NOT MYSTERIOUS WE CAN SEE YOU BEING A JERK ON THE CCTV”
You’d perhaps think that a sign like this alone would be enough to make the news, but if you cast your eyes further down, to the window ledge itself, you’d happen upon another note scrawled in black vivid: “Hey Cool Yoghurt Guy! some gals wait all their lives for a guy like you 0273855735 -hit me up! I can make you a star ★“ You might turn to your friend in amazement (or turn introspectively to yourself if you were particularly friendless that day) and say “what the actual fuck? Some girl just published her number onto the window ledge of Gordon Harris! Why? What does she want?” Well you see, I was that girl. I did publish my number that fine, sunny April day and now I’ve gone and done it again because this is a story far too important for caution or convention. This is the story of Cool Yoghurt Guy and it deserves to be told. Allow me to give you the lowdown.
April 6th, 2016: Bussing to uni in the morning we whizzed past the aforementioned yellow sign. I read it, lol’d and took a picture for Instagram later on. It was quirky and funny, maybe it’d get me a couple of likes. I’d been pretty crap at coming up with article ideas for the past couple of weeks so I mentioned a speculative piece on CYG to Laurien. She loved it, I was pleased, we all went about our lives as normal.
April 7h, 2016: The next day the inevitable happened, CYG clapped back. Gordon Harris’ sign had amused with the characterization of a criminal, but this yoghurt-lid protest told us this was a ratbag with a hell of a sense of humour. I had to turn this into something. The hunt for CYG was on.
April 8h, 2016: If Cool Yoghurt Guy could be funny, maybe I could too. I wanted to craft a note just flirty enough to be a weird Cool Yoghurt-hookup request rather than a straight up request for a magazine interview. Also I’m single and I like probiotics, I figured there’d be no harm done either way. The sweet thing about this approach was that, even if we never found CYG for real, we’d still have a search-centric story to run in an upcoming issue. Little did I know what was in store… April 9th + April 10th, 2016: Two days passed, and with baited breath I waited.
April 11th, 2016: Cue Damian Christie, freelance journalist and writer with a Twitter following over 5,000-strong. The benefit of being a Communications kid is that everybody in class with you is all over social media, so when a mate of mine told me Christie was jumping on the CYG hunt I watched and commented keenly all throughout tutorials because, fuck that theory shit, I was a real journalist now.
However, as handy as Twitter can be it pays to acknowledge the power of Instagram too. Later that day Gordon Harris Symond Street’s manager hit me up with some additional information and BOOM- just like that we had support from the store itself.
I didn’t think the day could get any more hectic and I was right… because it was that evening that shit finally got real:
Stuff.com had contacted both Christie and Mr Gordon Harris Symonds St himself to put together this little gem. They also published a hugeass picture of my cellphone number and broadcast it nation/intenetwide along with this little snippet:
“She doesn’t realise”? Oh Stuff, how you misunderstood me. Little did you know that the carefully disseminated message was there to intrigue, decieve and ultimately get me a step closer to finding my guy. Y’all played right into my hands. I even did a bit of work fending off the Facebook comments of those outraged by the publication of an innocent young woman’s phone number. In actual fact, that blunder alone produced hilarious and helpful results for me that night. I received countless silent phonecallsprobably people who thought I was the police or whoever else covers yoghurt-based crime in the Auckland CBD- from people who would hang up as soon as I said my name. Better still were the ten or so texts that night from CYG wannabes, I got everything from “My yoghurt brings all the girls to the yard” to “hey baby, wanna try some of MY cool yoghurt?” which essentially confirmed that a vast amount of Stuff readers have a lame sense of humor and are a bit creepy.
The most exciting thing though was a chat I had over the phone to one particularly animated guy. He spluttered “It…it’s me! It’s actually me, what the hell?” and then we launched into a yarn about the best flavour of Meadow Fresh and the logistics of a Debate interview where nobody got to see his face. I hung up feeling like I’d actually made a Cool Yoghurt-friend and possibly found our guy. NZ Herald also posted a rushed CYG article that night but with no inteviewed sources at all and an awkward attribution error where ‘Debate Magazine’ was actually a student magazine from ‘Auckland University’. Anything to keep up with the youths I guess, right?
April 12th, 2016: The next day CYG evidently decided to expand his Symonds Street conquest and move further afield, sticking a lid on a pole across the road from Gordon Harris this time. Naturally I responded and Tweeted The Herald (maybe they wanted a slightly better story angle today to compete with Stuff, I guess I could throw them a bone or two).
This was also the day George Fenwick, 95bFM radio journalist and total badass, asked me to come chat about CYG with him on The Wire in the afternoon. Growing accustomed to my new semi-fame I graciously accepted and sauntered over to the studio, flicking a few more texts off to Cool Yoghurt-hopefuls as I went:
On my way over to bFM I also (somewhat predicatably) got a call from NZ Herald who asked me a few quick questions about how many people had called me and wether or not I knew who the scallywag was yet. I told them a bit, corrected their Auckland Uni/ AUT error and witheld the fact that I was pretty damn sure I’d chatted to the man himself the night before. On the radio George and I talked about misogynistic CYG texts and the sexual allure of yoghurt as a foodstuff, after which I called my promising Cool Yoghurt-lead from the night before. Tragedy of tragedies, someone else picked up the phone. Apparently the phone owner knew nothing of the yoghurt crime wave in Auckland but he did let me know that he’d left it at his mate Kevin’s* place the night before and maybe he had something to do with it. A quick entry of the phone number in question into Facebook’s search bar found the confused cellphone man and an even quicker trawl through his friends list revealed Kevin. I sent a message and lay in wait…
…I’m still waiting. Goddamn you Kevin. Also The Herald did publish another article, it was a bit better and it had my name in it.
April 13th, 2016: NYPost.com posted an article from News.com.au and I notified my fans that the hunt had officially gone international. They responded as one would predict:
For me, all of this merely proved how ridiculous the nature of news stories actually is. NYPost would not have given a fuck unless News.com. au did, who in turn wouldn’t have cared an ounce were it not in the Herald, who wouldn’t have got onto it unless Stuff beat them to it, who would know nothing if it wasn’t for Damien Christie, who’s interest wouldn’t have piqued without my weird note, which would never have even been thought of were it not for Gordon Harris and their feud with one pesky yoghurt man.
April 21st, 2016: And now, here I am, writing this lengthy report in the hope I’ll convince myself that the whole thing wasn’t an international slow news week dream. I haven’t had a Cool Yoghurt-text in some time now, but I have decided (about five minutes ago) that I’ll add this Kevin character on Facebook and see where it takes me. News dies away sometimes, that’s its nature and I know that. But deep in my heart I feel that this search isn’t over. I know Cool Yoghurt Guy is out there somewhere, tenderly licking his Cool Yoghurt-lid with his Cool Yoghurt-tounge, looking for ways to continue his Cool Yoghurt-fun. I’ll stop searching when he stops being so damn cool… …and for that reason alone, I’m starting to think I might be in for a lengthy wait.
Illustration by Amelia Petrovich
Thwarting Thieves Lara Posa Keep your stuff safe or risk losing it! Thieves are at work on all AUT campuses and a spate of recent thefts has left some students without phones, laptops, iPads and bags. It’s never a good idea to leave your belongings unattended, even for a little while. Take it with you as it only takes thieves a few seconds to relieve you of your stuff permanently. Never leave your gear in a public open space, and classrooms and lecture theatres shouldn’t be considered secure either. If you are the victim of a theft you need to report it as quickly as possible to police and AUT security (921 9777) so that relevant CCTV footage can be scanned and local inquiries made. AUT takes theft seriously and deals with offenders appropriately (can we say anything stronger than that?). All reports of theft are investigated thoroughly and, where possible, CCTV from the university’s several hundred cameras is used to identify thieves and this information is passed onto police. But the responsibility of keeping your belongings safe ultimately lies with you so be vigilant and look after it!
REVIEWS
JUMP 48 Arrenway Drive, Mairangi Bay Reviewed by Laurien Barks
If ever there was a place that symbolized the purest and most childish of joys, it would be Jump. Being a child who wrote “make the floors trampolines” on every brainstorm of her future adult home, I lose my freaking mind with excitement every time a spontaneous ‘Jump Day’ is planned amongst my pals. Jump has become my place of worship for three reasons: The Dodgers, The Fun, and The Holy Foam Pit. It’s hard to go wrong when you’ve got a group of friends beaning each other with bright red balls on the bounciest dodgeball arena around. There’s trampolines that run about a quarter of the way up the wall on the edge, making cool trick shots possible if you’re nimble and quick, or popular Snapchat videos if you’re not! When you’re done dodging balls, you can move your way over to the professional trampolines. The ones that go “super high, Mum!” (Kid I overheard one time, 2016) as opposed to the rest of the tramps in the place that only go kinda high. These trampolines allow you to push the limits, do cool flips if you dare, and attempt to launch yourself high enough to reach the platform that towers above them.
Arguably the most wildly tempting feature of Jump, is the massive foam pit. Lined with a trampoline runway and bouncy walls, it’s all to exhilarating to jump your way into the big pillowy pit doing any trick attempt you desire. It’s opened a whole new world of discovery for me when it comes to flipping and summersaulting by eliminating the ‘you could break your neck’ factor. I could easily spend hours in this foam-filled fun pit, partially due to the adrenaline…partially due to the fact that I often can’t summon the strength needed to haul my butt out of it. This particular magical paradise can be found up in Mairangi Bay, but there are other locations across Auckland. Jump sessions do range in time limit - however, unless your stamina is off the charts, I’d say start with one hour of bouncy fun. It is also worth mentioning that prime time for your average group of twenty-somethings is somewhere between five and seven pm on a weeknight - you’ll probably have the place pretty much to yourselves. That being said, prime time for creeps/those feeling maternal is Saturday morning - you’ll be lost in a sea of a hundred or so four and five year olds screeching with glee, stepping on your face, and cheating at dodgeball. Don’t hesitate to select whichever option feels right for you.
Exclusively for AUT students and recent graduates
ESC APE MAS TERS Amusement | Level 11/300 Queen Street Reviewed by Laurien Barks
The magic of Escape Masters lies in the unexpected, so as a favour to future game players, I will attempt to review it without giving away the secrets and surprises that await.
A world of opportunity awaits AUT wants to introduce you to employers offering paid internships right here in Auckland, in New Zealand and overseas. To apply for roles or let employers find you, create your profile now at internz.aut.ac.nz.
An hour of game time, a locked room, and a group of pals is the basic recipe for this brand of a good time, and to be honest, I was pleasantly surprised with just how much fun I had. We had a group of three of us attempting to solve the clues to unlock the room we were in, and if I had to do it again, I would take a pal or two more – more brains, more power, faster time. But we worked with what we had and had a pretty great time doing it. I would recommend Escape Masters for team building, maybe a themed birthday party, a group date, really it’d be a good time for most anything given you had a great group of cooperative peeps. If you’re into puzzles, making a mess, or dreamed of being a Detective, this game is most certainly worth giving a go.
INTERNZ.AUT.AC.NZ Experience the changing world
SU DOKU T YPES OF C AKE!
Carrot Chocolate
Coconut Upside Down
Angel Battenberg
Cup Space
Banana Sponge
Rock Fruit
Black Forest Bundt
Jaffa Layer
Pineapple
Birthday
Cheese
Lemon
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Slow Cooker Maple Brown Sugar Ham • • • •
3kg spiral-cut ham (bone in or boneless) 1 cup dark brown sugar ½ cup pure maple syrup 2 cups pineapple juice
1)
Use 5-6 litre slow cooker. Place the ham into the slow cooker stoneware, flat-side down. Rub brown sugar on all sides. Pour on maple syrup and pineapple juice.
2)
Cover and cook on low for 4-5 hours. An hour before serving, baste ham with the collected juices from the bottom of the slow cooker. When cooking is done, remove carefully and let it rest on a cutting board for 10 minutes before carving.